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FEBRUARY 8th, 2017
Volume LII Issue III 50¢ MAKE-A-DICK
TRUMP PRESIDENCY JUST ONE BIG MAKE-A-WISH PROJECT
BARBARA NOT-WALTERS RESIDENT JIHADIST
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As it turns out, America may not have to deal with a Trump presidency for much longer. According to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Donald Trump’s role as current Commander-inChief is actually just a project by the foundation. Make-A-Wish Foundation was reportedly so pleased with the results of the Batkid wish, which granted a young boy in San Francisco his wish to fight villains as Batman, they decided to go for an even bigger project. The idea to allow Donald Trump to act as the President was the perfect new venture. However, reporters hear that the organization is now growing to regret their decision to grant Trump’s final wish. “First of all, he doesn’t even know that he is part of a Make-A-Wish project. All of us,
TRUMP MAKES A WISH An exclusive preview of the new advertisment to be run by the foundation
Melania included, decided it would be best to not tell Trump. That way, everything would feel more authentic. But he is the most ungrateful motherfucker we have ever had to deal with.” According to Make-A-Wish, Melania Trump reached out to the foundation about two years ago, informing them that Donald had been diagnosed with Stage 3 testicular cancer.
After much discussion and reading of tweets, everyone involved realized that the one thing he wanted more than anything was to be President of the United States. "All we had to do with Batkid was put him in a costume for 24 hours and he was done!" said a social worker assigned to Trump's case. Continued on Page 2
OLD THANG
Elderly Man Appreciates the Finer Thangs at Rutgers
JON GALT INDUSTRIAL GAS PRODUCER
NEW BRUNSWICK—Though it's often socially appropriate to condescend to English majors, it's tough for a journalist to do when the student in question
had a successful career in chemical engineering. The student in question is Don Atello who enrolled last semester in the School of Arts and Science as a part-time student but has recently decided to take full advantage of the
social opportunities at Rutgers. The hoary freshman explained that he's interested in connecting with today's youth in ways he hadn't considered before coming to Rutgers. "Last semester, I met a nice young lady in 'Poets and Power in Late Medieval England' and I felt sixty-nine again...if you know what I mean," the seventynine-year-old lothario said with a wink. "I introduced her to my 'Power from Late Medieval England'...in bed! The kids still use that one, right?" The school's salacious septuagenarian has been attending fraternity rush events and received a bid last week to join Omicron Lambda Delta. "Our group of students Continued on Page 2
LETTING THE PATS WIN Since 1970
QUICKIES
OHMIGOD Tiffany Got a Bid: An Exclusive Look Into 3 Girls Who Are Totally Pissed About It President H.W. Bush at Super Bowl Coin Toss "Read My Lips: Kill Me" The Secret to Living Forever is Being Emo Lady Gaga Was 100% The Best Part of the Super Bowl Don't @ Me Sanders Brings Out the Chair on Cruz During Debate
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NEWS
"If you fnd a red hair anywhere call Aly"
I CAN'T SHOW YOU SHIT NOW JASMINE
Disney's Aladdin Stuck in Iraq Because of Trump Travel Ban SQUID TRAVEL EXPERT
BAGHDAD—As President Trump’s travel ban moves into its second week of effect, residents from the US and outside countries are beginning to feel more and more of the repercussions the largest being denial of visa holding citizens to the country. This has affected esteemed professors, businessmen, and even a few celebrities, the most notable being the Disney prince Aladdin. Aladdin, having gone to Baghdad per Jasmine’s request to visit with family and friends, heard the news of the travel ban and attempted to get back to the US right away. Unfortunately, with the ban going into effect almost immediately, Aladdin was denied even the ability to get on a plane leaving for LAX. “'It will be good for the kids,' she said. 'We haven’t seen her father in years,' she said,” mused Aladdin in an exclusive phone interview. According to witnesses, immigration officers stepped
NEWS IN PICTURES
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein Andrew Blustein
Fratypus
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MAKE-A-DICK
LOVE TRUMPS CANCER According to MAW Chairman John Crowley, they let the farce go on for so long simply because, “[they] genuinely didn’t believe Trump would do anything in his time in office”. However, now that Trump has tried to enact multiple executive orders including the banning Muslims and other immigrants, Crowley has admitted that the venture has gone just a bit too far. “Now all he does is walk around the White House screaming that America is a big disaster and that he will be the country’s savior,” confirmed multiple members of the MAW board. Government officials are also apparently not impressed with “President” Trump any longer. “We were just gonna wait until he fucking dropped dead, but I guess we’ll have to break the news to him sooner. Apparently he doesn’t even
on to the Turkish Airways flight asking that the entire Royal Agraban family remove themselves from the flight to which Aladdin responded, “Oh suck my dick," before being forcibly removed from the aircraft. “All I want to do is get the fuck home at this point. After all I’ve done for those fuckers at Mouse Land, they can’t even get me a flight home,” Aladdin continued in the interview. Disney has since responded to these allegations, “The Disney Corporation has had no contact with Mr. Aladdin since 1992. We decided to cut ties after a period of back-to-back custody battles throughout several messy divorces. The views of Mr. Aladdin do not reflect those of the Disney Corporation in any way, shape, or form.” Aladdin was last seen OLD THANG expelled from the Baghdad airport screaming, “Do you OLD STUDENT know who I am!?” He is one of many being continuing education at Rutgers denied re-entry into this is known by all the lasses as the country, even with proper U.S. place to party," explained OLD citizenship and documents to President Walter Stanton, "if prove so. you have granddaddy issues and want some hanky-panky... sometimes even nookie!" The organization of OLD, a historically geriatric fraternity, has been under fire from the children of its members, who
STEVE BANNON SHOOTS HORSE Steve Bannon, proving he's a fucking maniac, shoots a horse
Wednesday, January 8th 2017
...continued from front
know he has cancer. Melania told him that he had to have his testicles removed so that they could be gold-plated and displayed at the Smithsonian,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “Really, I just want to quit hearing his whining about Mexicans and just get back to Indiana,” said “Vice President” Mike Pence. “I also want to get the fuck away from Steve Bannon. He’s the fucking worst. Every day he asks me to pull his finger and the results are horrifying. Someone please save me,” plead Pence. Make-A-Wish Foundation has recently revealed that they will break the news to Trump about his “presidency” later this week, before he is set to have his last round of chemotherapy. Melania would like to extend her gratitude towards the foundation as well as America as a whole for tolerating and entertaining Trump in his final wish of being the President of the United States.
...continued from front
claim that national dues in conjunction with inflated tuition rates have significantly reduced their inheritances. Atello is committed to pledging OLD nevertheless. "Screw my four daughters' wishes!" shouted the lecherous Literature student dismissively, "I'll be screwing with girls a quarter of my age!"
COME TO OUR MEETINGS, I AM MULTIPLE GENDERS! WEDNESDAYS, 7:45 PM ROOM 411B IN THE CASC News Editors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Evan Hutchins Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Tahm Brady
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. Dedicated to THE PATRIOTS FUCK YOU ALL!!!
Wednesday, February 8th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“It’s almost V-day $><3”
THE BIG WHITE SCREEN
GOOD TO BE BACK
VALENTINE’S DAY ON A BUDGET BY GIRL WHO LIKES BROWER
Valentine’s Day is almost here and if you have a significant other, that means it’s time to start shoveling out money for dinner, lingerie, stuffed animals, chocolates, flowers, condoms, cards, butt-plugs, and vibrators and if you’re single lots of chocolate and wine. No worries, Girl who likes Brower is here to help. Here are some tips to keep the costs down on V-Day: -Just start with sex...it’s free -Take your date to Brower and whip them up a fancy Belgian waffle—if you wanna look really gourmet, drizzle both regular and chocolate batter in the same iron—then chop up strawberries and drizzle chocolate syrup over your masterpiece -The student centers usually give out free single carnations, so if you create a diversion, you can steal the whole bunch!
A Movie Review BY KNIFTY KNITTER In post-Trump America, the arts have taken on a different tone-a different skin tone in particular: an all-white skin tone. On December 25, 2016, more than a month after Trump was elected and members of the alt-right and KKK began feeling more at home in America, a new movie made it’s debut...a movie called Bla Bla Bland. It hearkens to Trump’s campaign slogan “Make America Great Again” and it alludes to the “Porcelain Age” of Hollywood when “black and white” only referred to the color of the film, not the color of the actors in it or the people allowed in the same restroom. The jazzy film with leads Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling takes us on the very vanilla journey of heartbreak and struggle that is so often encountered by white people across America. This movie sets the stage for the next four years where, like many other aspiring actresses and jazz musicians, young hopeful white people will triumph in Trump’s America. If you think there are only white people in this movie, you’re mostly right except for John Legend and his black band and a few black extras. If you think that blacks were underrepresented in a movie about struggling artists and actors in a predominately white industry, you’d be right, but remember what Trump thinks about blacks, “They’re incredible people.”
PUT THIS IN YOUR V-DAY CARD
Roses are red Violets are blue Happy Valentine’s Day let’s get to know each other and build a trusting, healthy relationship where I will feel comfortable farting in front of you.
-Instead of making a reservation for an expensive prix-fixe meal, say you called too late for reservations, so have a romantic picnic on Voorhees mall and go to Zimmerli Art Museum -Avoid your significant other on Valentine’s day and hope they don’t notice -Reserve a private study room in the library and unleash your wildest librarian fantasies
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend, but it still has to be consensual.” Martin Luther SexKing, Jr.
$><3 $><3 $><3 $><3
Lonely Valentine Support Group Come to our meetings WEDNESDAYS @ 7:45 IN THE RSC, ROOM 411B $><3 $><3 $><3 $><3 $><3
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OPINIONS
“No internet week 2: We’ve started to reuse pictures.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Where are you planning on living next year?
“The New Brunswick Train Station. ” Homeless Man At least it’s College Ave.
“I hope I can get the room from the Busch Suites porno.” Jimbo Dangle Porn Connoisseur
“I still have a path to living in the Yard!”
Bernie Sanders Has 13,000 as a lottery number, 3 seniority points and no group. I NEED A HANDY MAN.
I LOVE DONALD TRUMP’S HANDS BY FARIBA MAHBOOB
I don’t like Donald Trump. I’m a liberal, I even voted for Hillary! But I gotta be honest, what I am absolutely fucking in love with his hands. I know he gets a bad rap for being, well, completely fucking awful, but he has such beautiful damn hands. They’re just tiny and perfect and I want them in my mouth, and basically any other hole in my body. Let me explain, I was born with a shallow vagina. All of my life I’ve had trouble when it comes to intercourse. Every time I have sex, the guy’s penis would always fall out. I can’t use dildos either! They just don’t make them small enough! And really, would most women want a small dildo anyway? Of fucking course not, that’s the whole point of dildos. I can’t get fingered either because most human hands are too big, and you can just forget about masturbation of any kind. This of course is why I love Trump’s hands so much. Yes they are tiny, but they are JUST THE RIGHT SIZE for me. God, I can just imagine riding those sexy, orange hands. He wouldn’t even have to do any of the work. I would just sit down and ride the fucking fuck out of his hand all the way to orgasm. I would squirt all over him and then get up with a stupid, satisfied grin. Jesus, I’d even PAY him. I’d do anything to be able to get fucked comfortably without having to worry about my vagina being too small. I need this to happen. Donald, if you’re reading this, please call me. I’ll even let you deport me afterwards.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
REST DAY MAKES ME HAPPY
LEG DAY MAKES ME SUPER HORNY BY GAYQUAZA
Have you ever sat in class with an emptiness in your gut, an aching in your groin, and your muscles quivering from the mornings workout? Leg Day or “Put it in My Ass Day,” as I like to call it, is dreaded by most gym bros, but to me the squat rack is my temple. Placing the bar on my upper back puts me into a trance. I dip low into the squat, imagining my sphincter being dipped in honey. Every exhale empties my life force into the atmosphere. Hours later, I sit in class with blood flowing through my muscles; my breath keeping rhythm with my heartbeat. My mind recalls the glistening pecs of the man whose face I’d love to plunder with my rectum. The thought’s making my grundle pulse, teasing me of a time when my jeans fit comfortably. I fidget in my chair desperately attempting to lend my ear to the bag of bones lecturing the class. His eyes like a window to the bluest of skies, curtained by the last remaining strands of his balding head. His voice evolves into a symphony whose notes were precisely chosen for my ears. I cannot refuse him. The inside of my mouth grows moist and my chest as tight as a newborns anus. I am drowning in my hunger for his bones. I need his skeletal fingers to part my ass cheeks like Moses did the Red Sea. His tongue be the Israelites upon my sea floor. I read his liver spots like a Rorschach test, he wants it too. My tongue grazes my lips in an attempt to taste his decaying flesh. I stand from my chair, all eyes in the room gazing in awe in my direction. Murmurs from the crowd pollute his ancient symphony, which grows louder with every step toward his body. Beads of sweat accumulate on my forehead; my breath sharper and deeper. My mind knows of the sins I am committing, but all the blood in my body has rushed to my throbbing member. It’s leg day after all. I stand above his body, the silhouette of my cock pressed against my Levi jeans. I hear screams from the room as I embrace his beautiful head. A surge of fluid soils the blue of my jeans. My legs are weak and my body limp. The fog of leg day lust quickly disperses and I realize I am not in class, I am at my grandfather’s funeral.
The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Send your hate mail to not me. We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And if you see us on Tinder? Super like us or swipe right. You know what sucks? When you have just a small amount of extra space and you need something to fill it in with, so... Hi Mom and Dad!
Wednesday, February 8th 2016
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“CHRONOS’’ BY GOLDIELOCKS
“You can’t give up if you never try.”
“DICK OF THE WEEK” BY MIKE HAWK
JOIN THE MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS. WEDNESDAYS, ROOM 439, COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 8PM “THERAP VICTIM” BY SAWYER
ARTS
“THE ESCAPE EP. 2” BY SWOLE MIKE
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PERSONALS
the Medium UGLY
AND
Never go online and use Verizon’s website to try and order a phone. Worst fucking site ever. (Bouta drop some knowledge on you right now. Verizon outsources a shit ton of jobs and all the customer service people realize there is very little for them to lose if they fail to help you. Capitalism is a dirty whore. That’s why I use cricket wireless.) I once ate a Big Mac meal in the McDonalds parking lot like a fat piece of shit. (If I had a Big Mac meal I’d wanna get rid of it as quickly as possible too.)
I used to think you could fly back and forth to China and not age because technically you never lived a day.
I miss the good ole days when your teacher would ask the class who wanted to be her little helper and erase the chalkboard.
(IDK. But the fruit fly is definitely the gay cousin. And the venus fly trap is the crazy ex girlfriend.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Is mayonnaise an instrument?”
I’M
Any connection between the dragonfly and the regular fly? And what about the horsefly?? HELP.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2017
(Wut.) Why are little kids just naturally annoying? (If you don’t have hair on your peaches don’t go anywhere that isn’t a school.) Thomas Jefferson claims to have invented macaroni. (He really invented the rape.) I’m not the only one who likes Tootsie Rolls am I? (You literally are. Tootsie Rolls are the worst fucking candy on the face of the Earth. How old are you? 73? Tootsie Rolls are only acceptable if they’re in your grandmas purse, right next to her emergency vodka and used tissues she’s had since 1996.)
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH NAZIS? RACISTS? YOUR PROFESSOR? YOUR RACIST NAZI PROFESSOR? THEN YOUR CREEPY UNCLE SAM WHO ALSO LOOKS LIKE CHRISTOPHER WALKEN WANTS YOU!
PROUD
When I eat cucumbers I feel Celery is underrated. like a hippo eating a water(It really is. You may not know melon. this but when you eat celery, (Same.) you’re actually losing calories (Erasing an entire chalkboard Babe Ruth died of syphilis. because it takes your metabolism more energy to digest it, is what I imagine heroin feels like.) (He missed part of a season than it has calories. Except, you probably did know that Saw some guy SPRINT to on a two month bender in a because everyone in the fuckthe bus from like 50 yards brothel banging prostitutes.) ing world knows that.) away. I feel like I’m due to get hit (He was probably on his way in the balls. It’s been years. I hate when people have that weird chocolate breath. to the airport to stop his gal from taking that job in Cali- (I feel like you are too. I don’t know you personally, but from (Alright, I’m gonna be honest fornia.) what I can gather it seems like with you guys, this particular I wanna drop out. you deserve a nice roundhouse personal was sent in by me. I just can’t stand people with kick right in the dick.) (Go ahead. Billionaires do it bad breath and that chocolate all the time.) Been really into yogurt la- shit breath is by far the worst tetly. of them all. Milk and cereal Before computers and technology came out what did (If you ain’t talking Chobani, I breath is second, but by a WIDE margin.) geeks like? don’t wanna talk.) (Maps and shit.) Socks or no socks to bed? (Are you fucking kidding me? Is this even a question? Obviously no socks you fucking freak. Let those babies come out and play. They’ve had a long day.) John Hamm is like really involved with this new H & R Block contract. (Haha yeah they really got him by the balls on that one.)
What was your favorite Super Bowl commercial?
(I swear some commercials are so bad it doesn’t make sense that those people have jobs. It’s like how the fuck did this piece of shit actually get approved by a meeting room full of supposed experts? But I liked the beer one.) There is nothing worse than getting your laptop, jumping into bed, opening your laptop and it’s dead. (Did you send this in before or after you jacked off?) I asked for a turkey BLT and got an LT with turkey bacon. (Oof, that’s rough. I wouldn’t even blame you if you became one of those terrible people who complains to the waiter about getting their order wrong.)
Our meetings are on Wednesdays at the Rutgers Student Center, room 411B at 7:45 P.M.!
I’M
My roommate threw up on the floor last night so I’m sleeping on my friends couch upstairs.
(I threw up on my floor once. It was actually one of the cleanest pukes ever. A perfect circle. It looked like a donkey just took a perfect shit in the middle of my room.)
THIS IS NOT A RANT
Let me start out by saying that this is, in fact, a rant. So we all know the Patriots beat the Falcons on Sunday night, which is all fine and good. Okay it’s not but whatever. The biggest problem I had on Sunday happened seconds after the game. Amidst the Patriots totally scripted comeback in the second half of the game, I knew they would end up winning the game. So I, being the clever and hilarious guy that I am, thought to post an Instagram meme of that high school football player that became famous overnight after his mighty inspirational interview where he acknowledges the opponent “had them in the first half.” What a perfect thing to post, I quipped to myself. After posting it and feeling quite good about myself, I was just waiting for the likes to pour in. I even thought at one point, this might go viral. After a few minutes had passed and only 7 likes to my name, I decided to distract myself by looking at other people’s stupid and unfunny posts. What I saw next truly shocked me. As I scrolled, what did I see but the very meme I had posted minutes before, by a known meme account. Not only was this copyright infringement, but to make matters worse, he had 38,763 more likes than me. Needless to say, I quickly deleted my picture and drowned my sorrow in more social media consumption, like any normal self absorbed teen.
Wednesday February 8th, 2017
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“Now hiring for the two man horse costume”
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FROM THE SHELF OF THE NO-SPIN ZONE
Do you have creative skills that would enable you to fill up a 25 sq. inch space in a satirical newspaper? Well then you are a step ahead of the editor of every single page in this paper!
Send all donations to Venmo: @CityofFlint New underwear preferred, but used also accepted
So come on down to the Medium meetings on Wednesday at 7:45pm in room 411B of the College Ave. Student Center
Horoscopes ^Aries|March 21-April 19
You are going through a difficult time in your life, but the key is to not let those things keep you down. Instead, let your crippling lack of self esteem do that job for you!
_Taurus|April 20-May 20
dLibra|September 23-October 22
Would you fucking quit it with the god damn Fall Out Boy phase? You’re 21 Jessica! Get a Job!
eScorpio|October 23-November 21
I know Pluto isn’t technically a planet anymore, but it is really This is a bad time to completely immerse yourself in peanut butter telling me that you should buy that boat. I know, it’s just a planetoid, but oil and run through a strawberry patch with two pieces of bread stapled it’s really insisting, and it’s never been wrong before. Other than that to your genitals. Wait until strawberries are back in season. whole being a planet thing.
`Gemini|May 21-June 21
fSagittarius|November 22-December 21 Look, I know you could really use something to look forward to, so You are going to feel especially menopausal this week. Just avoid we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel here when we tell you that anything sexual, including but not limited to touching others, breathing this week will be just chock full of OK bus rides. in pheromones, and eating chocolate. Now is a good time to start investing in cats and knitting.
aCancer|June 22-July 22
The position of Saturn on the 12th will cause an increase in gamma radiation that will interfere with the alpha waves in your cranial neurons. You’re going to need an extra layer of tin foil this week.
bLeo|July 23-August 22
You will run into an unexpected sum of money this week. Just remember that the inhererent flaws of capitalism prevents you from keeping your hard earned profit without forfitting most to the power hungry republic!
cVirgo|August 23-September 22
I heard from Mercury who was told by Venus that love is really in the chemical composition of the atmosphere this week. Your dream significant other is right around the corner. Or not, I’m not Dr. Phil.
gCapricorn|December 22-January 19
The North Star is showing a bright future ahead of you, however, just like always, you will inevitably fuck it up. Like, really fucking badly. Just quit while you’re ahead.
hAquarius|January 20-February 18
You might be feeling more skeptical than usual lately, but I assure you that the position of wise Jupiter is just testing you to see whether you will keep your faith. This means following through with being inducted into your local Scientology church.
iPisces|February 19-March 20
You may look up at the stars at night and wonder, “is there truly garlic bread on other planets?” This question will likely never be answered by scientists, so keep dreaming kiddo.
February 8th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com ABRA KADABRA
D O NA LD TRUMP CASHES IN LAST G E NI E W ISH FOR PATRIOTS WIN MAXIMUM POWERS MINNIE THE MOOCHER
WASHINGTON, D.C.—It has been confirmed by White House correspondents that President Donald Trump has officially used the last wish from his magic lamp to secure the Patriots another Super Bowl win. It was during the halftime show that Trump reportedly decided to “just f*ck it” and used the final wish to save the Patriots from embarrassment. This wish is just coming off his previous two requests, winning the election and having slightly bigger hands. This Patriot victory marks the final wish granted to him by the genie that inhabits the lamp. When asked about the use of his wish, President Trump replied “Look, Tom is a really great guy, just the best, but I saw he was hurting and I used my wish because I knew he should win.” When asked
A Friend Like Me Tom Brady's magical intervention at the start of the second half
about the fairness of the use of genie wishes in professional play, Trump answered, “Hey Atlanta is a great city, really the best, but they had access to lamps, too. Just because my lamp happened to have a Russian genie in it does not mean that the Patriots did not
deserve to win. I know for a fact that there is no person out there who is not a Patriots fan, not one.” The use of outside magical forces has been a topic of controversy among the athletics community for decades. While the case of
the NBA v. Calvin Cambridge ruled that magical objects, like magic sneakers, are not permitted in play, the Angels in the Outfield event ruled that teams can receive divine intervention so long as they are the underdogs in the game. Currently, Atlanta is looking into the players of the Patriots for any signs of cancer -ridden children or defunded orphanages that usually allow for such interventions to take place. The Medium was able to reach Trump’s genie for a comment as he was being held at the airport by the TSA due to his assumed Middle Eastern origin. When asked about the other possible wishes all the genie, Ugo, had to say was, “I’m just glad he wasted two of them. From what that Bannon guy was telling him to wish for, you just be glad that he didn’t know to wish for more wishes.”
HINDSIGHT IS #20-#20
RUTGERS BASKETBALL FAN ADMITS HE FOULED UP CAILLOU TOTALLY CURED
NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers alumnus Matthew Swodson, 27, held a press conference last night to tell his friends that he officially regrets getting his infamous "RUTGERS 2016-2017 NCAA CHAMPS" tattoo in May of 2016. A photo of his tattoo was initially posted on the "Rutgers Class of 2017" Facebook page back in late May, which quickly garnered popularity by accidently being shared on Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren's social media pages. Senator Warren later went on to state
that she not only regrets sharing the photo, but regrets graduating from Rutgers Newark as well. "I really thought this was going to be our year," stated Matthew at the conference. "I was just getting totally wrecked with my old frat bros, and I just got so hyped about RU that I ran out and just had to get that ink, dude. "The worst part is, I don't have enough money right now to get a full removal. At this point, I'm thinking about just changing the '2016-2017' to '2017-2018' and hoping for the best."
New Brunswick Ink Swodson showing off the ill-advised ink
Making Magic SInce 1970