This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XVII
March 13th, 2013
NO FILTER
STUDENT at Party Instagrams Photo of Guy Puking Instead of Helping BY SUM DUM JOO EDITOR IN CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK--As a 'Freshman Only' kegger at 15 Hale Street began to wind down, one dutiful partygoer sprang into action as one of her fellow partygoers fell ill after consuming too much alcohol. "Kid just barrels through the house with his hand over his face and these little streams of vomit were going everywhere," said Monica Eckhart, a first year student from New Braunfells, Texas. "And, like, immediately I knew I had to follow him." Eckhart did the first thing she could think of as fellow first year Will McGovern released the contents of his stomach back through his esophagus: she pulled out her iPhone 5 and began taking photos using her InstaGram app. Instagram, a popular application for smart phone devices, allows users to take photos of themselves, their friends, or other human beings caught in embarrassing situations that are in
quickies
Fox Sports Refuses to Cover Left Field Spoiled Human Holds Out Hand Expectantly Under Manual Sink
Dalai Llama Visits Rutgers; Converts From Buddhism to Alcoholism
#THROWUP THURSDAY At least it's not an Instagram of his dinner. Oh wait...
the grand scheme of things too minimal to need to be remembered. The app then gets users to be creative by filtering the images or adding a pretty frame. "I got a really good angle, right next to the bowl!" exclaimed Eckhart, who stood in the restroom as McGovern
vomited five beers, three vodka shots, and the remnants of a Brower sub into the toilet bowl. "So many good shots. I couldn't really choose only one." McGovern, who had tried alcohol for the first time only weeks prior, could be heard Continued on Page 2
Behold! Satire!
One Direction, Justin Bieber Fighting to Trademark 'Faggot' BY Not a homophobe STAFF WRITER
HOLLYWOOD--In what has become a fierce and lengthy/ girthy court battle, pop star Justin Bieber and phallic-harmonic 5-some One Direction are each seeking to trademark their coincidentally shared nickname“faggot,” and its plural, “faggots.” Both artists recognize the word as inseparable from their respective work and careers, and each has cited the high association shared on social media and in informal speech. “#faggot and #justinbieber are practically synonymous,” Bieber told reporters Friday. “Search one and you’re bound to find the other.” “People have been yelling the word ‘faggot’ at our shows and appearances since we hit the scene," said Harry Styles of
50¢
One Direction. “It’s practically our informal band name at this point." Courts have been divided on the issue, and neither side is willing to forfeit their claim to the word. In the most recent court appearance, the judge dismissed the case from his jurisdiction. “Unlike ‘H.O.V.’ or ‘YOLO,’
you’re both faggots,” said Judge Larry Manders. “You can’t share this trademark. Unless one of you states that you are, in fact , not a faggot--which is highly unlikely." Experts have calculated that royalties associated with the word would earn the winning artist upwards of 100 milContinued on Page 2
It's just a word...
ESTABLISHED 1970
Hugo Chavez Dies; Ignorant Students Send Condolences to Every Hispanic Person on Campus Obama Disses Talking Heads: "I Was Never Really Much of a R.E.M. Guy Either," he Says Rutgers President Still Missing After 8 1/2 Months; Interim President Barchi Insists on Doing the Manhunt by Himself
the Medium
News
“Hey, frat boys are normal people too"
Asbestos he can
Wednesday, March 13th, 2013
I Ain't John Pinette, I'M actually STAAAAAVIN'
Ceiling Tile Barely Hanging In There
Area Man Dies Despite Mother Having Access to Dominos.com
MURRAY HALL-- Tensions were on the rise as reports about a ceiling tile in Room 210 of Murray Hall "just barely hanging on today" came in. Sources close to the asbestosfilled tile confirmed it had a rough week. "Yeah man, its been a tough slog for all of us," said the ceiling projector, "He's had to hold up those metal air ducts since last month as the other tiles are lazily waiting for the students to go on their spring break. I've been feeling the heat too, as I've been cursed out by professors 8 times this week. FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S THE SCREEN'S FAULT NOT MINE! She's been a total bitch after I joked about me projecting all over her face hahaha." The downtrodden tile eventually offered his take through longing sighs, "You just gotta keep pushin' onward man. Even when life's at its worst, and I don't think it could get any worse than right now. God these ducts are so heavy..." Attempts to aid the burdened tile have been put on hold as the janitors have been too busy emptying the same trash bin since October.
NEW BRUNSWICK-- Area man, 22, died of starvation three weeks after his mother denied his request to order him pizza online from Dominos.com. The mother, Karen Butcher, faces criminal negligence charges following the incident. Investigators are still searching for a motive for the crime, but have yet to find any excuse for Butcher, 47, to refuse her son, Rutgers University English major Chris Peatman, his request for a medium two-topping pizza and stuffed cheesy bread, which would have cost a mere $5.99 each. Those close with the victim claim that his body weight had dropped drastically in the weeks leading up to the incident; autopsy results indicate Peatman's once-muscular physique had deteriorated to the point of mere "swimmer's body." NBPD criminal psychologist Pat Schefter spoke to the media on Tuesday, "Cases such as these are most common in college towns, as students' beer and video game budgets often reach unsustainable proportions and cuts in funding have to be made for food and shelter budgets; nonetheless, Butcher's crime is
BY EveryDay I'm Trufflin' News Editor
BY PRobably Drunk Contributing Writer
Life of Broke English Major Peatman, seen here, being denied food and then later honored with it
an unforgivable one, and she probably deserves the life sentence coming her way. I mean, Domino's isn't even expensive." Butcher has been placed in witness protection following the incident, as enraged protesters gathered outside her South Jersey home and overfed her precious dogs with pizza crusts to get revenge for the outrage. Butcher reportedly concocts sophisticated meals for her dogs twice daily; evidence suggests she loves her dogs more than her children, otherwise she would have just ordered Domino's for Peatman, whose unfulfilled cravings for delicious, garlicky
pizza crust resulted in the most tragic death Rutgers University has ever seen. Butcher's attorneys are preventing any communication between their client and the media as they gear up for what may be an impossible court trial for the remorseless suburban housewife that allowed tragedy to befall her helpless, pure, intelligent, strong, and all-around awesome son. A service will be held at the house of the deceased this Thursday, with participants expected to bring Peatman's "dead" body pasta dishes and oven-baked sandwiches to show sympathy.
Vom nom nom
news in pictures
Cardinals Celebrate the Start of Conclave
hospital to have his stomach pumped. Around the same time, retching from other rooms in the Eckhart's photo gathered thirtyhouse. one 'likes,' which had exceeded "I was thinking maybe go- any previous number of likes ing with 'Sepia' first," said Eck- she had recieved on an image. hart, on the subject of which "I had one photo of my dog image filter would fit the im- eating peanut butter that got age just right. "But then I chose shared by a bunch of people, but something with a little more sat- nothing this big. I feel like a ceuration." lebrity or something." After twenty minutes of McGovern reportedly left simultaneous vomiting and the hospital early Sunday mornpicture taking, McGovern was ing after his mother came to pick taken by ambulance to a nearby him up. ...continued from front
respondent Bob Jordan. “Water cooler discussions and 14-year lion gazillian fafillion dollars -old message board flame wars would never be the same.” annually. As the stalemate continues, “Calling Bieber ‘faggot’ without his expressed written the real “faggot” will just have consent could lead to expensive to wait, or share the distinction lawsuits,” said CNN law cor- forever. Faggot. That offensive word
...continued from front
Editorial Staff Spring2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youseff Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Spring, the bounciest time of year.
Features
Wednesday, March 13h, 2013
the Medium
“Maybe I brought a bazooka to a sword fight?”
From the cutting floor
8 Rejected Sesame Street Characters Sesame Street, the beloved children’s show that features a neighborhod of friendly puppets, experimented with several more “urban” characters. Here are some of the rejects that didn’t wind up making the final cut.
Powder Nose
Roni and Kurt
The Accountant
Big Avian Bird Flu
A harried, crime-solving dog whose time cleaning up the streets eventually drove him to corruption. His droopy eyes and adorably downtrodden attitude received positive feedback in early children’s test groups.
The Accountant makes numbers fun! He works uptown at the prestigious banking firm Prickle Meister Squib by day, and masturbates with a belt around his neck by night. The Accountant is known for his distinctive chuckle and his repeated suicide attempts.
Sully the Piss-Stained Grump
Sully was reportedly neighbors with Oscar the Grouch, living next door to him in a broken- down mail cart.
Two gruff middle-aged lesbians who live together in their apartment in the East Village. Producers cut the lovable duo from the show after outraged parents protested Kurt’s sex change in Season 3.
A large Chinese bird who constantly wears a surgical mask to protect himself from city smog and germs.
Elmo
A terrifying crackhead dressed in a fuzzy red monster costume in Times Square. Elmo waits near busy tourist spots, taking pictures with small children and accepting monetary donations in his matted, filthy paws.
Tofu Monster
Mr. Ahmed
The cashier at the local convenience store, Mr. Ahmed sells cigarettes to you as long as you look sixteen.
Help us find our Features editor and/or submit your ideas to themedium.features@gmail.com
A hip, cuddly vegan, Tofu Monster will tell anyone who listens about how they should eat free range. His thick-rimmed glasses are as phony as his newfound appreciation for Tegan and Sara.
Catch Him at a hill center near you
Checklist
Spring Break to-do list By: Broseph Stalin Resident Prisoner of War Spring break is approaching so I’ve complied a nifty list of goals for you to try and achieve during your vacation to make things a little more exciting.
1. Get mind-numbingly wasted, like, at least three times.
2. Hook up with a complete stranger. Check off as many boxes as needed.
3. Throw at least $700 of material goods out a window.
5. Set yourself on fire.
7. Realize you have made a tragic mistake and run around flailing, oblivious to the age old “stop, drop, and roll.”
4. Build a snowman
6. Try to put yourself out with hard liquor
Numbers With the medium - RR edition
8
Butts in the Rutgers Review.
24
Different animals on the back cover of the Rutgers Review
10
Audible sighs heard while reading the Rutgers Review
1
Contemplation of hand-drawn typography.
the Medium
OP/ED
“No more god damn chicken nuggets. My heart can’t take it anymore.”
Featured commentary
I’m Getting Real Tired of These Girls Going To The Gym and Always Using Up the Treadmills
BY DEVON BARKER I’m fed up with these bunch of juice heads who girls always using up the are using the weights. I treadmills every time I go can’t compete with those to the gym. It’s like there bulging biceps. I am defis a set group of girls initely not going to make who, at all times, know a fool of myself trying to when I’m going to the bench the little amount of gym and decide to make weight that I can barely sure that I can’t get in my lift. run for the day. I swear Another reason I to God, there has got to go running is because be some conspiracy go- of how it makes me feel ing on here. I don’t have a lot of “It’s basically the time to work out as it is, equivalent of sex and these bitches aren’t making it any easier. A but without the couple days a week I sex.” force myself to wake up at 6:30 AM to go to the gym. Why do I bother afterwards. Have any doing this when I can’t of you heard of the runeven get on a treadmill? ner’s high? It’s basically I am way too tired and the equivalent of sex but cranky to have to deal without the sex. Your with this shit on these body releases something early mornings. called endorphins while A lot of people ask you run, making you me why I don’t just go do feel like you’re as high something else like lift as you were last night at weights instead of going that party. Did you really for a run. Well, probably think that I go running because there’s always a just to get some rock sol-
id calves? Think again. Considering that I’m not having sex now and will not be having sex anytime soon, this is the closest I can get to it. It not only pisses me off when girls are using up the treadmills, but especially when girls that are already in shape are using them. I’m thinking to myself, why the hell do these chicks need to work out? I’m a skinny white dude who gets confused with starving kids in Africa and I’m not even remotely black. Girls, it’s about time you start doing something better with your time other than running. Practice your flirting skills or work on your gag reflex with a banana. I don’t know what girls like to do nowadays, just stop using up all of the treadmills. Use the bikes or something. I don’t use them because they are way too gay for me.
university voices
What do you think about the Rutgers Knight Wagon?
“It’s great. I can eat at the Grease Trucks and the Knight Wagon all in one day.” Stephan Mayns, Morbidly Obese Freshman “You all are so late. I was the first person in line at the Knight Wagon when it opened up.” Caleb Righter, Philosophy Junior “First the SouperVan, now this shit? I’m not a kid who gets tricked by vans.” Michelle Sorito, Cautious Engineering Sophomore
Wednesday, March 13th 2013
mole money, mole problems
Sorry But I Have Bad News For You: I’m Malignant
BY JOSH’S MOLE Josh, I know this is cool dies young so you’ll going to be hard to hear, be joining the ranks of a but I am, in fact, ma- very cool bunch of peolignant. After all these ple. Sounds like a pretty years of sitting on your sweet deal to me. Just so face, scaring the girls you know, since you’re away, and growing weird dying I will also be dyangled hairs, it turns out ing, but I’ve learned to that I am also very slowly live with this fact. I’m 18 killing you. Sorry buddy, in human years which is I wish it didn’t have to like 75 in mole years so I end like this. That’s life have lived a long and fulfor you. Nature sure can filling life. be a bitch. Cheer up man. I I know what you’re mean, did you honestly thinking: “I can just sur- think that you would gically remove you.” It’s have a future with me on actually too late for that. your face? Forget about Even if you get rid of me college. No girl is going now, the negative effects to want to screw you and have progressed too far. no company will hire a You should have gone to guy who has a mole as the doctor instead of just big and as hairy as me covering me up every on his face. Sorry, but morning with your secret looks go a long way in to“make up.” What are day’s professional world. you, a girl? Places only want to hire We had a good run. beautiful people. AnyMemories of playing ten- way, I’m pretty happy nis, failing math tests, and with this situation. I’m not losing your virginity definitely going to mole sure were fun. Think of heaven. I can’t wait. the bright side--everyone
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Need To Work Out Before Spring Break BY SAMANTHA COOPER
Time sure does fly by. Before I knew it, March was already here and I’ve noticed that I’ve put on some weight during the winter. I need to slim down as fast as I can so I look sexy in my two piece green bikini when I go to Costa Rica during spring break. Oh my God I’m so excited. I know I can do it. I just need to work out like every day in the morning and at night to maximize my weight loss and get rid of this tummy. Also, I’ll make sure to eat nothing but salad and celery sticks. If I’ve been extra good that day I’ll reward myself by putting some peanut butter on my celery sticks. Alright I can do this, I know I can. Wish me luck.
You Think You Can Get Rid of Me?
BY SAMANTHA COOPER’S STOMACH I have been here for months and now all of a sudden you think you can just lose me? You have been eating nothing but cheeseburgers and chocolate cheesecake since the year started. And all of the beer that you’ve been consuming when you party each weekend hasn’t helped your cause either. I’m not going anywhere, Samantha. Go ahead, go and hit the gym as much as you want. Spring break is right around the corner. You don’t have enough time to straighten me out. You know that green bikini you want to wear? You might as well throw it out or let your mom use it because she’s going to look better in it anyway. Hahaha celery sticks. Try eating nothing for a while. Maybe that will help. You crack me up so much Samantha.
Wednesday, March 13h, 2013
Arts
“Persona is, like, way too fun.”
the Medium
RELATIONSHIP STATUS My boyfriend likes to embarrass me in public
Please don’t eat my chin.
But he doesn’t like it when I do weird things.
I’m gonna eat your chin.
SUPERHERO
SUPERVILLAIN
HEY! A SUBMISSION! YOU GUYS ARE GOING ON SPRING BREAK? OH, THAT’S COOL. OH, YOU GOT PLANS WITH FRIENDS? THAT’S COOL TOO. OH, YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE AWESOME? THAT’S COOL. I’M GONNA STAY HERE. PLAY VIDEO GAMES. ALONE. HAVE FUN OKAY?
themedium.arts@gmail. com
the Medium OVERHEARD
Personals
Wednesday, March 13th 2013
“Throw a blanket over it!”
PLACE WITH BOOKS
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN
THE TOILET STORE
To the both that had to print out the fucking brothers grim of biology at the LSM. You used up all the paper in the fucking printer and now it’s having its period. You pissed it off and now we (Say what you will about all have to wait while it Chris Christie, he’s still got spits out one page at a a political influence that’s time for the next guy who as wide as his waistline.) has to print his damn textbook apparently. To the group of South Asian/Middle Eastern/ (That printer would spit North African or what- it out for any douche with ever you are that “study” a swipe. That printer is a on the bottom floor of the fucking skank and she broke C/D library. FUCK YOU. my heart. I THOUGHT There is a group study WE HAD SOMETHING area just one floor above SPECIAL YOU WHORE!) but no, you choose the bottom floor where my- To the Mabel Smith Liself and other students brary, it’s not like I read actually quietly doing books, but what the fuck work are. The one guy, is with the book about Mr. Mayor, talks to ev- kid’s jump rope? who the ery person that he maybe hell is going to read that? knows at a volume which we’re college kids in the I can hear over my iPod. computer era. I feel old Which, fuck you for mak- for just noticing it. ing me have to put my (Library? Oh you mean headphones in..why the masturbation house. I can’t I enjoy reading in thought those books were for silence? All you bitches cleaning up your mess, not think you’re whisper- reading. Yeah, if you see one ing but I can hear every- about ancient Greek plays, thing you say as you look don’t open it.) at pictures of food that people post on facebook. To the genius who scribHoly shit, you all make bled that funny shit on me so angry...why did the bathroom stall of you have to ruin the only kilmer library, thank you place I actually get study- so much for brightening ing done. I want to drop- my day with your blatant kick you all in the face. vandalism. Have a nice day. (With this personal, people (DO IT! Dropkick that in- will now actually have anterracial bitch herd in the reason to go to the library. whore hole. C’mon let’s P.S. you wrote about “funstart a race war! RACE ny shit” in a bathroom. WAR! SHIT IS GOING Let’s hope that you’re not DOWN!) the deranged weirdo that finds odd joy in excrement.) Public apology to my hall for being the loud-ass girl To the couple in Alexanon the weekends. Btw, der Library last week, my “male friend” turned stop making out like it’s out to be a fucking douche some bad porno! Some bag, so I ditched his ass, people actually come to and that’s the end of that. the library to study, not Sorry guys. PS I like that get pregnant. you let me know via the personals, legit. I respect (Well, actually, only like a that, made me laugh. But fourth of the people come for real, there will be no to the library to study. The more of that shit. Back rest watch porn anyway, so to being that quiet girl at kudos to the unrestrained couple. You saved me the the end of the hall. trouble of using Rutgers (Aw it’s over already? WiFi.) Those noisy weekends were the only thing I could get off To the Medium guys, I to after a hard week of not found one of your papers studying. Hey wait, are you wedged in a library shelf. looking for a replacement That just made my day. “male friend?” I promise that I’m not too much of a (Great, you win the prize! Now come to our meetings.) douchebag.)
To my asshole roommates who decided it would be funny to celebrate April Fool’s Day early. You’re little prank just fucked up my nose and I have a job interview tomorrow, so yeah thanks, you’re all great
At least someone appreciates the whole 120 seconds I spend looking up the Joke of the Week. Last week, the joke was, “Did you hear about the fire at the circus?” One person was nice enough to answer “It was in tents!” Good job, you got the pun! This week the joke is “What caused the airline to go bankrupt?” Send in the punchline and your personals to themedium. personals@gmail.com.
To the girls behind me at the computer lab who were bitching idiotically about politics: one of you is fat and the other hideous, no wonder you guys like Chris Christie
(If you were interviewing for a job of being a total puss bitch then damn, they should just give you the corner office right now..)
To my liver, I’m sorry BUS BITCHIN’ for what I did to you last night at courtside. It’ll never happen again. Or Thank you so much guy Hey guy on the F bus, you at least not until spring on the crowded ass B aren’t impressing that bus a couple weeks ago! girl or anyone by talking break starts. It was so sweet of you about how you took acid (Dude fuck your liver. Cir- to let me sit in your seat and started “chain-smokrosis is a little lie that puss- even though you had an ing joints” and then got a ies make up because they injured leg because you puppy high afterwards. can’t handle a few shots. saw that I couldn’t reach Please conserve your stuYour liver grows back with the top railing on the pidity for other times and testosterone and bench bus. I know I received spare us. dirty glances for taking presses.) (On the contrary, I am serian injured person’s seat, ously impressed. I can’t take BREAKING SPRING but the CHIVALRY was more than three hits after I too overwhelming that I take acid. But I bet that guy To the whole world and had to take the offer. You, couldn’t get Shamu high. its shitty weather, my mystery injured man, are Haha eat it bitch! ) spring break would be so by far the gentlemanliest much better if it wasn’t of them all. Thank you To y’all awkward mothugonna be in the fucking real life scarlet knight!! fuckas on buses everyforties all week. The hell (You along with that mini where, if you see an open am I gonna do? Rave at husky owner should be seat on a packed bus the the beach in my fucking knee-deep in some pussy sit in it dammit! How right about now) windbreaker and jeans? can you be so afraid of the smallest social inter(It’s spring break. Just drink (Listen you deluded broad, actions that it is imposuntil you’re warm ... and that guy gave up his seat sible for you to sit next because he wanted you to to a stranger on a short naked.) sleep with him. Chivalry is To all the Miami bitches, the myth we men made up bus ride. I’d rather be sitget ready for my dick its so you think we’re those ting next to bum-diddlygonna be legen-wait for “nice” guys. Honestly, we who-fuck than standing on a bus driven by mait-DARY just want a women to sex us niac. Why am I not sit(Son of a bitch, not this guy up and make sandwiches for ting there you ask? Beagain. You are not Barney us P.S. This is week 4, can cause there’s a wall of Stinson. Stop with all the we get off the mini-husky people blocking me beHow I Met Your Mother guy’s dick already?) cause they’re to scared to references already, damnit.) To the creepy indian sit next to that hot girl in To my old high school, dude sitting across from yoga pants. Just because I fuck you I’m not visit- me, dude your half smile must suffer doesn’t mean ing you over my spring with only your bottom you have to. break. I worked 4 years teeth showing is creepy- (I’m not avoiding sitting to get out so you can all ing me out. You have down because I’m awkward. been doing this shit for just suck it. two stops now. Thank I just know that on an H (You’re not even gonna vis- god I get off next so I bus, the smell is basically it the teachers you fucked don’t have to look at you saturated into the seats.) for four years to get those anymore. To the Weekend 2 bus, I grades. That’s just cold.) (Look behind you, he’s still get it. We coming up on the Zimmerli Art MuTo chemistry thank you there.) seum. There’s no need to so fucking much for ruining my spring break I just got two REXL buses remind every two fuckby leaving an exam for in a row at College Hall! ing seconds. Just drive me right when i get back. This is one guy who past it so I can get to my Not like there wasn’t any- won’t be standing up in dorm already. son of a thing else I wanted to do a crowed bus. RU Screw bitch. can suck my freshly (Yeah, that’s annoying (Quit your bitching. Just shaved balls. right? Yeah, that’s annoywait till the night before and take Aderall. It’s col- (I hate you for making me ing right? Yeah. That’s annoying. Right?) read this.) lege, c’mon.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 13th 2013
the Medium
“Oh shit there goes my house down 130.”
BIG DADDY WANTS YOU You know who it is without a doubt of hesitation, if money talks he got his masters in communication, yupp you guessed it, it’s the one, the only, big daddy himself, the undesputed heavy weight pimp, the epitome of man, DR. TOSSED SALAD! So my wife asked me if I was cheating on her this weekend, and as any real man would, I LIED my way outta that shit! So how should I cheat this week? Gotta keep it goin. A. Run and leap and jump in that pussy like a track meet. B. Get as much as I can, don’t matter what it look like. C. “Oh fuck me Dr. Tossed Salad” okay fine you’ll do, but bring two friends. D. Stick it, kiss it, put my whole damn head in it. Send personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com
COME ON NOW
FUN WITH FOOD
So this guy is sitting next to me bitching that he thinks there should be no spring break, and we should just get out a week earlier. Hey asshole, first of all you look like your 30 do you even go here? And I like this little break and I don’t need to listen to guys like you you who are gonna hate on it, so shut the fuck up and take your poor grammar with you.
Just had my first Philly soft pretzel and I’ve been floating on a cloud of soft, doughy bliss ever since. Only $1 you say!? I say screw the giant turkey legs, 1401 Stelton rd is where the key to satisfaction lies. Love your paper!
(Screw the turkey legs? Excuse me but that turkey leg was my baby last week. I loved that thing. I have to say that I hope your next (Haters gonna hate, what pretzel sucks because of this.) can I say.)
To the girl who says it’s my fault that she hooked up with a guy and feels bad cause she feels that she cheated on me. Bitch I don’t care but don’t go tryin to drag me down and make me feel bad cause I don’t want a relationship. Telling me all of this is extremly selfish, your only telling me cause you feel bad. Do you think that I’m just waiting around for your ass? Hell no! (From one playa to another, go out and get yours.)
LEAVE ME ALONE Okay I can’t take these fucks asking for money for the damn cancer kids anymore. First I have my headphones on, meaning that I’m not gonna listen to anything you say, so this guy sees me and makes a B-line right for me. Uh-oh theres a tree in his way, uh nope he went around the tree. “Do you wanna donate” he asks. And what do I give him, a straight up middle finger.
Damn vending machines keep finding new ways to take my money and not give me my twizzlers. To the guy at woody’s, peanut butter and Gatorade can cure hangovers? Really? (Nah man, it’s two lines of coke and then a spoon of fluff.) I’m just sitting here eating my Wendy’s frostee when suddenly i tip my spoon just a little too much and next thing I know I have a stain on my shirt. Fucking frostee sucked too. (Sadly this happened to yours truly Dr. Tossed Salad, and I have to say I am not happy about it. Like fuck man now I gotta deal with this stain for the rest of the day.) I wish this chick would stop talking to her food. Every Monday I see her talking to her fries or her pizza and it’s just getting sad to watch.
THANKS A LOT
STRAIGHT UP ASS
KINKY PETS
To the person who published the abhorrent “Brush Rory Mcilroy’s Teeth” segment in last week’s Medium, I demand an apology. The article should never have been allowed to be published in the first place you guys are fucking assholes. His dental hygiene is perfectly adequate, and there is a difference between using the First Amendment for Freedom of Speech and using it to facilitate bullying. Implying otherwise was not only offensive, but poorly executed. Such worthless literature is just proving that our society is becoming a disgusting, heartless piece of trash. We are all human, maybe it’s time we started respecting one another. I loved the medium, but there is a difference between innocent jokes and being a bunch of assholes. I am ashamed to be a student and a golfer.
To the fat fuck who flashed his ass to everyone around me in class today, dude first of all why’d you have to sit in front of me, not only can I not see because your so large but when I look up I get to see your disgusting ass right in my face. Like fuck man I don’t care if your running late, but you need pants that will stay up. I was actually having a semi-normal day before I had to see that shit.
I wish my purrrrfessor would cuddle with me. I just wanna stroke his fur and pull his tail. I love his hair I wish he would comb over tonight.
(If you consider a picture of Rory’s face with a toothbrush literature then ma dude something’s wrong with you. Now to get to the important stuff, that was my fucking idea you assfuck. As a golfer like myself, you should have been as pissed and embarressad as I was when he dropped out of the tournament for a sore tooth. Like what a fucking pussy move to drop out for something like that while you’re also shooting a bad round. And you being pissed at having him on the backpage makes you more of a pussy then he is.)
(Now are you telling me that you are turning down some free ass? Now yes it might be fat and prob not the nicest thing to look at, hey might not have even been washed for a while who knows. But it still deserves some love...ah fuck it, fuck that guy for making write this shit.) What is up with all the ass in the Rutgers Review. I look and I’m like hey first time I’ve seen Rutgers Review in a long time I see whats in it. And what is? Ass right on the inside cover. And I look through it and whats inside, more ass. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not hating I like ass just as much as the next guy, but when I’m around other people I don’t wanna be seen looking at ass. Like come on fuck man. (Well they are Rutgers Review and ass is what they are, so might as well put in in their magazine. I would like to advise them that the big boys say ass and not butt.)
YEAH I DON’T KNOW To the tall asian dude with that big ass black gortex jacket and timbs, where you get that jacket from? George from Seinfeld? How did you find it? Take that shit back to Yummy Yummy (I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but you said yummy yummy so I’m okay with it. I’ve said that the past two weeks so I guess it’s catching on.) I gotta stop watching Notorious and Get Rich or Die Tryin’. It’s on every fucking night and it’s getting out of control.
It’s 9:30 in the morning, I wish I knew why this girl was petting her boyfriends face. Then he takes his hand and puts in under her chin for the whole route of 18. Excuse me while I throw up on this crowded bus. (Awwh isn’t that cute! They must have had a little 8:00 fuckfest. Wait, they didn’t let me watch! How many times do I have to ask? Hope they’re on my bus.) If my dog doesn’t stop licking his balls soon I’m gonna have no choice but to make his ass fixed. Like I get it, he hasn’t had any in his whole life, but if he cums on the carpet it’s not gonna be an easy thing to clean. and I’m not fuckin with that shit. (Hit me up, I’ll hook him up with my wife, she’s not busy with anything.)
FUCK ME RIGHT Stop dumping random chores on me. I’m already busy with my own work, and it’s tedious having you come to me every week trying to get me to take on your own problems and help your through them when I’m busy with my own crap to do. I don’t fucking get my friends sometimes. They’re all so weird and I don’t fucking know why I’m friends with them sometimes. Like what kind oflie choices did I make to screw up this hard?
To the fugly, snake bitch who hisses herself as Miss Cutie: you ain’t cute when you slither down Mason Gross and Cook. Bring your lizardo boytoy and yourself back to Fuckin’ stop putting me the Congo jungles, where in group texts. Every god you belong. damn time, I get massive picture texts that (So if her boyfriend’s a liz- don’t have anything in ard and she’s a snake I’m them. And when I do get guessing that means we a text it’s always formathave a little cross species ted weird and makes no lovin’ goin down? Love see- sense. ing that shit.) (I know what you mean, it’s Okay now do me a favor never the hottie with the big and lick the tip for me, tits is it? Always just some ahhh yes thats whats up. stupid shit.)
The Back Page
Wednesday March 13th, 2013
“I have yet to do this page sober.”
Film: Adjusted
Dress Up
Get Mr. Norris ready for the set by dressing him up because why should he do it himself when he can just make you do it?
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 7:30 PM Medium Meeting @ RSC Cap and Skull Room It’s gonna be fun on a bun! March 28 at 8:00 PM Senses Fail @ Livingston Student Center I’ll be there...will you? At Your Convenience Give Blumpkin a Blumpkin @ 11 Union: ask for Blumpkin Show him a good time....it’s been a while. All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton At least someone come, anyone will do.
Useless Review
BY pokemon leaf green BACKPAGE EDITOR
Water Balloon Slingshot Now I know this sounds like the greatest thing since sliced bread, but there are some downsides. For example, you have to use three people to use it, or fasten it to a doorway. This makes it a lot harder to use, because you have to coordinate it perfectly. Next, sometimes the balloons explode before leaving the slingshot, so you get wet. My solution to a couple of these problems was to start using baseballs. Baseballs don’t break when shot, they are easier to aim, and they’ll knock out anyone. It’s perfect for pranking your friends or neighbors. You can even hit people who are inside their homes! The baseballs power through windows, leaving no one safe from your pranks! Nothing shows friendship like giving your friends concussions! This invention is great for the average frat brother, but should come with a recommendation on the package to use a more ballistically sound projectile.
Crossword BY KCIG
The clues are the phoenetic transcriptions of the answers.....good luck.
Krupa’s Korner
Are you obedient and afraid to make your own decisions? Would you like to be bullied by a tyrant? Apply here to be one of Krupa’s Biddies! Positions that are open are: • Main Bitch • Back Scrubber • Main Squeeze • Personal Chef • Slam Piece • Trophy Boyfriend • Secretary • Honey Boo Boo • Side Piece • Plumber • Homework Slave • Arm Candy • Cheese Enthusiast • Wifey • Valentine • Chocolate Masseuse If you are interested in being a biddie, please come to the Cap & Skull room Wednesday at 7:30pm during the Medium meeting. The first round of interviews will take place then and it marks the dawn of many tasks… you thought Hercules had it bad with his 11 labors? You’ll redefine the Herculean task after you meet Princess Krupa. *PS Don’t tell her other slam pieces about this ad.
Coloring Time Color in this flag for a wonderful lesson in patriotism! If you don’t color it in with the proper colors, then you’re a communist! If you don’t color it in at all, then you have no national pride and should get the fuck out of this beautiful country.