This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XIX
March 21st, 2012
AND DON'T COME BACK!
ALL THE NEWS REPORTERS FINALLY FUCKING LEAVE NEW BRUNSWICK BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
MIDDLESEX COUNTY—After the guilty verdict was released in the Dharun Ravi trial on Friday, members of the news media filmed their final reports, interviewed a few more students on the streets of the various campuses, packed up their news vans, and left the city. And most students at the University couldn't be happier. "It made sense to have all these people around the days after the event, and maybe for one day of the trial," said Mike Roflin, SAS Junior. "But it seemed like every day I could see myself walking around New Brunswick in 'b-roll' footage. Now I know how obese people feel." The media's impact on the behavior of Rutgers has changed the University community drastically. "I used to spend my days wandering campus, running into friends," continued Rothko. "But now, I hide in my dorm room the moment I see anything
WEATHER TODAY: Sunny and cloud free High: 68 Low: 61 Oh man, the weather's awesome, let's make awesome plans to do awesome outside things tomorrow
QUICKIES
Chicago City Council regrets setting all traffic lights to green for St. Patty's Day "For many motorists, it was not a very lucky day," said councilman Charles Gunthman.
NOW YOU SEE IT... The Middlesex County Courthouse without any news vans in front of it, as it should be.
that even remotely looks like a camera." The most festive collection of students are the ones living in the Davidson dorm where the incident occurred over a year ago. "Yes, we live in the same dorm as they did," said Kelly
Martin, resident of the dormitory. "No, we do not want to talk about it to every person with a camera we meet on the street. I just want to go to class without fear of being harassed." "I totally get this 'invasion of privacy' that they have been Continued on Page 2
IRS participates in March Madness with Income Tax Brackets It's just like the NCAA tournament," said tax analyst John Straus. "A lot of people participate, but only a few will come out winners!"
Girl disappointed she NEWS IN PHOTOS McCormick enjoys last Rutgers only got to sleep with one spring break at SoCal beach random dude over break "I have to really perfect the way I blindly throw myself at guys," said sophomore Chealsea Dunbach.
TOMORROW: Cloudy and sun free High: 51 Low: 39 Oh God dammit, I fuckin took off work, every forecast said it would be great today, fuck March
50¢
Candidates' positions on sex differ It was to no one's surprise when Rick Santorum revealed that he Richard McCormick says that he has always been a fan of Baywatch be- prefers missionary, while Ron cause his swimsuit body bears an uncanny resemblance to David Hasslehoff. Paul said he likes to come up from behind.
This is a pickup line ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
“Oh hey, its Boris! No, its just Jordan...”
GRAY BAR
Student's motivation vanishes during Spring Break cruise
This is the cruise ship from which Christine Bricket would stare out at sea with the same gaze that she will use to stare off into space for the remainder of her classes this semester.
vigor to perform academically and will likely be "riding it out" for the remainder of the semesDA' BAHAMAS—Friends and ter. relatives have not seen any Bricket's parents last saw her sign of Rutgers junior Christine motivation prior to her cruise, Bricket's motivation since she when she had made detailed returned from a 6 day spring notes in her planner to complete break cruise to the Bahamas. assignments for all five of her Bricket has reportedly lost all classes as soon as she returned. BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
Eyewitness accounts say that early on in the cruise, Bricket expressed anxieties about getting behind on her schoolwork, but after several nights of tequila shots and dancing in the captain's quarters, she seemed to have forgotten about school. Although efforts are underway to recover Bricket's motivation, authorities are skeptical that they will be able to bring it back this late in the school year. "Unfortunately, this is all too common an occurrence," said sergeant Roger Duncan. "College kids go on their little spring break trips, don't think about acting responsibly, have a great time, and then they come back to the real word and realize that it sucks." Still, Duncan believes there may be hope that Bricket's motivation will turn up after several weeks, around the time when final exam reading days begin.
Wednesday, March 21st, 2012
JOURNALISM
...continued from front
talking about," said Renee Coots, another Davidson resident. Still, members of the media defended their actions. "We have the right to report the news," said WKTL reporter Trey Donovan. "If it takes harassing dozens of innocent, ambivalent students and sneaking into peoples' living spaces to get five seconds of footage that old people will watch on the Trenton CBS affiliate, then I am doing my job right." While students are very aware and sympathetic to the upsetting campus events, they are still concerned for their personal privacy when the media makes their return. "The sentencing is in a month or so," continued Coots. "My entire dorm is going on vacation together so we don't have to talk to the media when they return. We'll let the kids in Winkler get cameras shoved in their faces for a few days."
SKEET SKEET SKEET
Study: Man Milk Makes Molars Miraculous Features: 10 Megapixel Camera 3 types of wood for your peg leg: -Birch - Spruce - Pine Also equipped with 18th century weaponry
Come Learn What it Takes to Write For The Medium! (Hint: It's not much) MEETING THIS WEDNESDAY 8 PM BCC ROOM 116
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPER STAFF WRITER
PHILADELPHIA—People worried about their appearance and sex life now have less to worry about. Recent studies by the University of Pennsylvania now claim semen enhances teeth whitening. “We notice semen gives off a chlorine odor,” said Professor Sean Gaudioso. After several extensive chemical analyses and long, 'painful' hours in laboratory, UPenn scientists have concluded this chlorine smell can indeed be linked to teeth whitening because semen contains a small amount of ammonia. "In essence, 'jizz' is a diluted form of bleach," said Gaudioso. “It’s only logical that this gel-like substance whitens your teeth.” Based on these findings, the American Dental Association will promote daily 'whitening sessions' by consenting adults News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Claudius Ebriis Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano Steve Troulis III
and will distribute pamphlets highlighting how to make the most out of your seminal fluid. This breakthrough discovery may change the future of dental care forever by creating a new generation of people who have beautiful, sparkling white teeth. "Are you shitting me?" said Allie Jenkens, a Junior in the School of Arts and Science. "I was wondering why my teeth had gotten so much whiter since I started my new part-time job!" Scientists are optimistic that this finding will be beneficial to many people; and in this economy, it’s the most viable solution. Unfortunately, it may put dentists and companies that sell teeth-whitening products out of business, but as Professor Gaudioso reassured attendees at a recent press conference, “I guess it is just cheaper to let your dentist 'drill' you in the mouth than actually drill you in the mouth.” Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Club Mascot Sun's Out
Kenneth Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Cubby the Pug <3 Keg's Out
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Canadian Industrial Safety PSAs. Because they provide an extremely creepy form of entertainment.
FEATURES
the “Six dudes, Smirnoff Ice, Mike’s Hard, A nerdy board game, and 4 computers running League of Legends. Woo, Spring Break.” Medium
Wednesday, March 21st, 2012
EXTREME ADVERTISEMENT by: UNDERAGE B&
SPRING BREAK?
Things kids say that indicate they secretly had a boring spring break By: Stunami 1.) It was cool, just kind of chilled. Really relaxed and stuff…. (I sat in my room alone and watched Netflix all day every day.)
2.) Man I just was training nonstop. So much exercise…Getting my gym flow on for the summer! (I went for a jog and walked my dog!) 3.) I just fucking drank soooo much. YOLO! (I had a beer with dinner and choked down a shot of vodka with my little cousin all in the same night!)
COME 2 OUR MEET
4.) I went on a fucking bombass road trip with some of my bros. (Burger King to Best Buy to mom’s basement! Awww yeah.) 5.) I was swamped with homework, man. I didn’t have ANY free time.
(I had my one assignment open in the background while I looked at pussy(cat) pictures all break)
6.) My parents needed me to do yard and house work ALL break man it sucked. (I mowed the lawn once and occasionally got up early at 5:00 p.m. to set the dinner table.) 7.) I hung out with all my hot friends from high school, shit was so cash. (They think I’m gay) 8.) I was working the whole fucking time; my boss wouldn’t get off my back. (I worked for 2 days) 9.) I had soooo much sex, dude you don’t even know. (I fapped through a whole tissue box. On the first day.) 10.)I blazed the whole time. I’ve never been so high in my life!
Student of the week ING 120A 8PM BCC
ALPHA MALE
Jame TROOOOOOOOSHANE
Major: History (Clint Eastwood, Jean Claude Van Damme, The Macho Man Randy Savage) Age: 19 Minor: Classics ( Dirty Harry making his own rules, JCVD winning the Kumite, The Macho Man snapping into a Slim Jim.) Occupations: “The Model” not just a model but “THE Model” James Troshane is a man of many interests, but nothing surpasses his interest in all that is manly men. His heroes, his gods and his basis for life values are men that stand above the rest. The likes of Clint Eastwood, Jean Claude Van Damme, The Macho Man Randy Savage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Seagal, among many others, are the basis of James life. We can see this in his aspirations,such as his promise to save John Connor, perfect the Helicopter Kick, get his face on Mt. Rushmore, beat The Oregon Trail, and memorize every Arnie one liner in the world. In addition he wants the bigger movie buffs out there to know that he also wishes to escape NY and to avoid trouble when he’s in little China. His final aspiration that he discussed was meeting Robocop in person.
Some of Jame’s favorite things include movie and foods. Among those, his favorite movies are Robocop, Indiana Jones, Total Recall, The Road Warrior, Die Hard, The Running Man, Rocky 3, Ghostbusters, Dirty Harry, Predator, Bloodsport, and Goldfinger. Based on these favorites, we can all easily see why his aspirations have formed as is. His favorite foods include planes, trains, and automobiles. He never actually gets to munch on those that much, so he settles at just eating an iron pill each and every day. James views himself as slightly better than everyone else at everything. The one thing that James preaches above all else is respecting all the Gods and not just Chuck Norris.
##FATGIRLPROBLEMS
Crash Diets for that Beach Body by Supa Krupa Troopa
Worried that your Freshman 15 will turn into the Freshman 50 while you’re trying to rock that bikini? TRY THESE CRAZY DIETS (Not endorsed or recommended by Rutgers Health Services, The Medium, The Medium staff, or anyone....ANYONE)
1. 6 Protein Shakes + Keg : This will help you gain muscle while drawing attention away from those thunder thighs and right to that beer belly. 2. Salted Cardboard: Eat 4 servings of this every 6 hours. It’s guaranteed to make you thin as a piece of paper. (Paula Deen says it tastes better with butter)
4. Swallow a Tapeworm: These little buddies can be your best friends! They’ll eat all your food for you while making you die! 5. Just Stop Eating: It’s the simplest option, and think of it this way; you’ll be helping kids in Africa!
What doesn’t kill you will make you 3. 12 Diet Pills and Cabbage look hot at the beach! Enjoy BidSoup- Chug this shit like it’s dies<3 your job. It will suck the life out of you. Literally.
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesbeard, Marchbeard 31st, 2012
“Mustache Conversation.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you feel about the Your “Draw Something” Skills are Fucking Disgusting results of the Dharun Ravi trial?
BY KURT MANHALL A c cording to my research which is entirely backed by hard science, artistic retardation runs rampant across this great land of America. A few weeks of playing Draw Something has taught me that some people really do see the world differently than others; in horrible scribbles and blobs. How you ever made it through kindergarten is beyond comprehension. It’s like all of you haven’t done anything artistic since your parent’s hung your macaroni art on the fridge. What? You were so satisfied in that moment that you never bothered to try again? You love
seeing pieces of elbow macaroni taped to printer paper hanging by those elephants you colored green? Shit. No really I’m sure you couldn’t draw that right either, unless I was to guess the word based on my assessment
into my phone and tell you how bad you are at drawing. I mean that’s what I do already only you can’t hear it. As your drawing begins, my patience ends. In the end of days, I imagine my own personal hell as a having to watch a grown adult finger-paint “It’s like you on an iPhone. The word will be haven’t done eggplant. Over and over anything artistic and over and over. I will only be able to collect my since your parents coins in single digits as deem “cat fish,” too hung your maca- you hard to draw. And just because you roni art on the don’t know what a crossfridge.” bow looks like doesn’t mean I’m the one who is of your drawing skills. bad at drawing. You just There should be need to stop skipping a version of the game crossbow practice. where I instead of guessing the word I just yell
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
It’s So Rude When People Put Their Bags on the Bus Seats BY KELLY STEIN
Look, anyone who has gone to Rutgers for more than a week knows about how crowded the buses are. With the sheer amount of people in a small space, all up against each other, we all need to be more respectful than we usually would. With that mind set, it’s frustrating to see people blatantly taking up seats with their bags. If the only thing you’re carrying is a backpack, just be decent and hold the thing yourself. If you could allow just one more person to sit down, why would you keep them standing? It all boils down to simple etiquette and students needing to find a little more respect for each other. I’m sorry your arm is so tired from sitting there that you need to rest it on your backpack but it’s really not my problem so please move it.
Sorry, I Just Wanted to Sit Down BY JANSPORT SUPER BREAK BACKPACK
I think everyone needs to just take a step back and relax about backpacks on the bus. I’ve just had a really long day and wanted a place to sit down on my way home. Doesn’t everyone equally deserve a seat? The unofficial rules of bus etiquette are that whoever gets there first gets to sit. Not to say that I wouldn’t give up my spot for the elderly or injured. Have you ever ridden in someone’s lap in a car? Yeah, that’s what most rides are like for me. When I finally get the chance to sit down after going to class for hours, I just want to relax, not be berated the whole way to Scott Hall. I’m carrying two five-subject notebooks and a laptop, plus two empty bottles of Lipton Iced Tea. You need to appreciate that bag hanging on your back too and let him have a seat.
Don’t you wish you could fill the space in your papers with animals? With The Medium You Can!
Tonight, Busch Campus Center Room 120A, 8pm
“Oh, uh...I don’t...that’s a - uhh, little controversial don’t you think?” Melinda Burke, 2nd Year Grad Student
“Oh....uhhhhh.....welp...You know. Yeah.” Lucy Chen, Pharmacy Senior
“Oof, that’s a tough one....Ask me something less depressing.” Rachle Peters, SAS Sophomore
ADVICE
Ask a Guy Listening to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”
Dear Guy Listening to ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You’ I am in such a pickle. I’m entering my final semester at Rutgers and I have so many classes I want to take. I am stuck between picking these three great courses that I had to put off because of my major. One of them is a documentary film making class. Another is this new creative writing course. The final one is an acting class. I’ve been stuck studying engineering for over four years and I want to make my final semester count. Which one should I take? Sincerely, Confused on Cook/Douglass
Dear Confused, Hold on one sec… DUNA NUH DUNA NUH DUNANUNANUNANUNA LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! TO DEFEAT THE HUNS! Oh fuck I love that song. Anyway, your course should reflect… wait. YOU’RE THE SADDEST BUNCH I’D EVER MET! BUT YOU CAN BET BEFORE WE’RE THROUGH, SOMEHOW I’LL MAKE A MAN… OUT OF YOU!!!!!! Sorry, I get distracted when this thing plays. You ever play this at a party? Everyone goes fucking crazy! I put the opening lines as my status on Facebook and all my friends filled in the rest. It was the most epic status ever. Wait, wait. Let me sing the best part and then I’ll answer your question. YOU MUST BE SWIFT AS A COURSING RIVER! WITH ALL THE FORCE OF A GREAT TYPHOON! WITH ALL THE STRENGTH OF A RAGING FIRE! MYSTERIOUS AS THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOOOOOOOOOOON! Wait. What were we talking about?
Wednesday, March 21st, 2012
ARTS
the Medium
“Do you know my friend, Larry ‘Hot Knife’ Mancini?”
HYBRIDS
CLASSY CHILDREN
FOND MEMORIES Submit your class doodles and comics to...
themedium.arts@ gmail.com Nothing to do on a Wednesday night? Me either!
NOW-EXTINCT REPTILES
8pm BCC 120-A
VEGETARIANISM
PERSONALS
the Medium ON CAMPUS To the DCC: (aka Dicks Cocks Cocks)Free chocolate does NOT make up for our inability to swipe for non-prepackaged food items...but its a good start
Wednesday, March 21st, 2012
“Wow, I can get textual too”
IT’S HOT OUT
To that dumb ass whore in my macroeconomics class who asks a question every 3 minutes that the professor jus answered. I HATE UR ASS. shut the fuck up and listen. ur voice sounds like 3 dogs to the guy on cook/dou- gang raping a cat. u make glass that is ALWAYS my ears bleed and i love wearing aviators with the it when our professor curly hair and dressed in tells u to shut the fuck up really interesting outfits: !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO FUCKING MARRY YOU! You are Dear 70 degree weather, I so sexy. I love your style. love you. Thanks to you, We had Abnormal Psych I have officially checked together and you would out of school and checked always catch me staring into the nearest frat. At at you and now when i this rate, I will flunk out see you I dont think you of school, but my chamrecognize me :( You talk- pion beer pong skills will ed to me before the sec- be more than enough to ond exam and you made score me the attention of me laugh harder than I a future lawyer. See you ever have before. I get again tomorrow lovely. approached by guys all the time but I just want (Is that what lawyers are you. PLEASE PLEASE into these days? Beer pong PLEASE RESPOND TO skills? Guess where the fuTHIS! Sincerly, Your fu- ture lawyers of America go when the weather’s nice: ture wife P.S. I know this seems the fucking library to study creepy, but I’m not a psy- law. Daydrinking at the cho. I just dont know frats will only win you the how to approach you. attentions of retard Comm. Ok, Maybe I’m a little majors and future T.G.I. Friday’s managers- both acpsycho LOL ceptable choices though, I’m not one to judge.) (Curly hair aviator kid: Irony = you having Abnormal Psych. with an abDOUCHEBAGS normal psycho. You made one off the cuff pun about Dear girls of Rutgers, I “Queen Amygdala” and know that sundress seanow she wants yo dick fo son is approaching- but don’t forget that if you are life.) an absolute giant, a dress To the guy in the stall that gives me glimpses of next to me taking a piss. your ass cheeks as I stroll How are you farting that behind you is highly inmuch and yet dont feel appropriate. Please take note. Ps- just because it the need to take a shit? looks cute on the hanger (How is he farting that doesn’t mean that it’ll much when there is anoth- look that way on your fat er human standing next to ass. him...? What?) Dear men of tdx, To the black guy on Busch I find it offensive when who looks like he doesn’t you drool over ever give a fuck, why don’t single chick that passes your stupid porch... All you give a fuck? while blasting the gayest (Because he’s black...obvi- of house music. Your silent stares weird me out. ously.) Please keep your jacking To the lady with the nas- off inspirations for inside ty ass attitude at livings- your filth bathrooms. ton takeout, next time u throw some shit that i To freshmen, smoking have to eat im going to weed and getting drunk come over those glass every weekend isn’t cool panels and pummel ur anymore. Your about 4 fucking face to a pulp. years late and you look get with the program sloppy and stupid, and I hoe. if ur going to have a feel that I will see many customer service job, you of you on future episodes cant be a grumpy old hag of Intervention
WE RIDE BUSES
CHURCH
GENERIC
To the B bus driver that looks like Donald Trump but it is woman, how about you wait for a break before you take a smoke break. I have classes to get to and watching you smoke a cigarette with the most pathetic face makes my balls itch!!!
To the lovely fucker who feels the need to tell us “colored” girls to tone it down last week: Why don’t you turn it up instead? And quit hating from afar with your presumably drab, pallid, boring ass? Step your cookies up, and maybe you can join us in all of our amazing fabulosity. It really isn’t our fault that you seem to just ...pale in comparison. Pun intended ;)
To all the tough guys, you probably weren’t this tough back at home. Don’t come to school with new identities and try to intimidate people like me who frankly don’t give two fucks because “yo ass will get got.” I don’t care about race, black, white, middle eastern, or asian, “come at me bro” and get left on the floor with a black eye.
(Nothing like a little Personals battle to get your To that dumb ass EE bus dicks hard on a Wednesday. driver who takes a break Care to respond, racist?) at every other bus stop, I have somewhere to be To the New York Rangu dick sucking asshole. ers, congrats on clinching Next time you take 2 that playoff spot. To the breaks in 10 minutes i New Jersey Devils, go may just have to kick ur fuck yourselves ass and steal ur bus
To the pretty young thing, I have the biggest crush on you. I think you are perfect and I really wish there was a way I could see you more often, but if we happen to be in the same place at the same time I’m going to give you the biggest hug and give you all my attention.
(You know what? Let her live her goddamn life. The day-to-day implications of looking like a female Donald Trump would make me want to chain smoke cigarettes too.)
MORE GENERIC
The College Avenue Players Present...
Uberman: A Superhero Musical! March 24th March 25th March 30th at 8:00pm March 31st at 11:59pm Presented at Scott Hall Room 135 College Avenue Campus Student TIckets: $5 General Admission: $8
PERSONALS
Wednesderp, March 21st, 2012
“It’s pronounced IMOPOLA”
LAST WEEK
NOT LAST WEEK
Holy assfuck, stop fucking making out over there you pieces of shit. If you want to do that, go "study" in your friggin dorm room and get the fuck out of the study lounge cuz no one wants to listen to you slobbering all over each other. Have a nice day shitheads.
To the African guy that lives in Easton, i hope u dont think that my friends and i havent realized that youve tried to get with all of us. Your not even cute. your a dirty bastard that cant keep his hands to himself.
To all the biddies of RU: now that the warm weather is here, you all better dress like the hoes you are and represent Slutgers well. And fugly bitches, stay the fuck inside so you don't ruin the landscape. (What landscape?) To the girl who came into my office right before it closed, I thought you cute until you moved your hands to eye level. I own a small scale yard maintenance business and my hands have never looked that filthy. Were you jacking off a pile of dirt before you came inside? Wash the fuck up next time
(We like to call that shop hands (as in auto shop). Not to be confused with jazz hands, handball, and handjobs) To all of you who are apparently oh so brilliant but are really immature assholes: Go fuck yourselves. To my professor, why is it that the only thing i have learned in your class this semester is your life story. STFU and teach me about america. i don't give a fuck about your college days or trips to Spain. they were cool for the first couple of classes, but after that exam today, FUCK YOU AND YOUR EXISTENCE (Sounds like an easy class, until you get to the exam question “What was my best friend’s name in college?”, and you just plain didn’t care enough to listen. Information that is far less then useful) To that good looking frat guy that lives in Clothier. I LOVE YOU! You look so good. =]]]]]]]
LEGENDARY!
Dear Bitch-sitting-nextto-me-on-the-bus, Your music is REALLY FUCKING LOUD. You are going to be deaf by the age of 30. I didn't step on the soul train, I stepped on the BUS. Headphones are made for PERSONAL (Just scream rape, see what listening. Also, your yoga pants are less than desirhappens next) able on your fat rolls, To all the bullshit that and you smell like a long kept me from enjoying night. I showered and my spring break, I hope put on deodorant this you are fucking happy, I morning for your conget one week off and you venience, so you should ruined my good time. do the same for me. You How the fuck can I have make me feel like I'm in a fun when there's 2 15 cheap sex movie. You can page papers due RIGHT spend as much time on AFTER break. not only Facebook on your phone did you ruin my relax- as you want; I guarantee ation time, I didnt even you lack real friends befinish. So fuck you paper. cause you also lack comIm writing this personal mon fucking courtesy. as a form of procrastina- Sincerely, tion just to show how Fuck-you. much I hate you for fuck(The visual image must ing me over have been disturbing and (Let me guess, you are just nauseating.) blaming your laziness on your spring break because To my friend/roommate: you are too much of a dum- I love it how you cook bass to blame yourself for food for your annoying being a useless prick) ass boyfriend that we purchase. I didn't really To the Jehovah's witcare, but now the entire ness that thought it was house is just sick of his a good idea to knock on presence. Hope you guys my door at 7 AM sharp break up soon. on a monday, and you wonder why I answered To the white girl that was the door with my shot- drunk on the weekend 1 gun. Let this be a lesson bus on the 25th and said to you. "what's up my nigga?" in a conversation about (And tell the mormons what Barack Obama, you you have seen here today) should be embarrassed To the guy who went to and grateful that the my high school and sees young African Amerime everyday, look me can man didn't attack in my face and does not your ass. He sat back and speak to me. HI HOW laughed at you because ARE YA! nice to see you you are a joke and are too. that one little inter- disgrace to the human action we had in the CCC race. I'm sure you let the was cool. Next time you guy sitting with his "girlstare at me tho, im going friend" who was a "drugto be forced to embarrass dealer" fuck you. I hope you in front of all your you really reflect on your cool college friends. btw actions. I don't hate you my friend has a HUGE but I'm sure your parents crush on u. do. (Your “friend”. Righttttt) (She probably won’t even To that growth on my lip. remember how she got home Please don’t be herpes, that night let alone why she please don’t be herpes, is a disgrace to mankind. Drunkenness is a hell of please don’t be herpes... a good way to not feel bad (Well, sounds like you are about stuff in the morning... fucked. Enjoy) wait, scratch that)
the Medium SENATOR STOVE SAYS STUFF
I swear I am the only one who actually hates the warm weather. Everyone is so happy that the clouds have gone away and it is bright and sunny out. When I look out the window in the morning, my initial reaction is where the fuck did my winter go? It didn't even get that cold this year, so I pose the question, what gives? One of these days ill make a good reverse snowbird and spend my summers up in Alaska or something like that. Overcast skies and a nice breeze is where its at and this whole global warming thing is really cramping my style (as if I had any). Either way, keep submitting. It gets lame as hell when we have 2 pages to fill and nothing in the inbox
themedium.personals@gmail.com
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR SPRING BREAK? Here is a small checklist of things you should have done over spring break. If you can check off at least 2 choices, you should feel ashamed
A) Worked on school projects
B) Lit your lawn on fire for fun
C) Played “The Most Dangerous Game” with your friends
D) Drove to California just for an In-N-Out Burger
THE BACK PAGE “I really hate you right now.”
Things I Found In My Hotel Room During Spring Break BY OSWALDO GOLDBOTTOM | Staff Writator
B E C H I C K E N H T D A E R E N O Y
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A A circle jerk will occur this week. Bring your own lubrication and fapkins. Thursday, March 22 at 9:45 AM Creating PowerPoint Presentations for Teaching @ Davidson Hall Because in this day and age, education has been reduced to staring at a giant screen while some bald headed guy stands to the side reading to you. Friday, March 23 at 9:00 AM Imagining Life in the Americas @ Alexander Library Its not like we live there or anything. We must do as Mister Rogers taught us and imagine that we live there. (With my luck, I’ll still be broke in my imaginary America.) Tuesday, March 27 at 6:00 PM Reinventing the University for the 21st Century @ Cook Campus Ctr. It’s awesome! There’s going to be robots, digital walls, and the buses will fly! I can’t wait for the future!
MatchMaker BY Pokemon Leaf Green Staff Writamator
Match the political candidate to the type of porn they watch
N A S A H T P E W R I F L E S U S H E J E L I C H W E L T T I L A R O F E E T A T T O O G U N L B I B E H H T I E T O U Q N L L I W I S S E U G A I N S
Wednesday, March 21st, 2012
Non-Copyright Infringing Phrasal Template Game! BY BLOWING IN THE WIND Ass Backpage Editor
“Hansolo And Girdle”
1. Plural Noun _______________ 2. Verb ______________________ E L I T D K M O N E Y N A L B M E E R 3. Plural Noun _______________ O P M L O L I T S Y D A B R A S E K R 4. Past Tense Verb _____________ L O A B M O J A T E G D N A E T T E A 5. Plural Noun _______________ U R D A W R G V A G I S I L N E I N K 6. Past Tense Verb _____________ C N U F R O H T T N A W I E S R U A C 7. Verb ______________________ 8. Noun _____________________ E B T I A N A O T N E C E G D G N I O 9. Past Tense Verb _____________ D F O E P C N N A H C E M R O S F L E 10. Celebrity Name ___________ S Y M E P R D A P A N T I E S P S O T 11. Verb _____________________ G N I V E A C E L M A I S Y I H T H S 12. Past Tense Verb ____________ I N I F R I U N E H W L I G A F B O T 13. Verb _____________________ G N I O S G F M P E P S I O A I A K N 14. Noun ____________________ 15. Past Tense Verb ____________ I H T I D N F A R O F Y D O U T D S O 16. Noun ____________________ T M A X E N S A E V A H I S Y A G D O 17. Adjective _________________ T C O T T A G E C H E E S E S I E H T 18. Noun ____________________ G N I O D E K I L L E E F T O N O D I 19. Past Tense Verb ____________ CONDOM WRAPPERS HAMSTER HANDCUFFS 20. Verb _____________________ PANTIES TATTOO GUN PEPSI 21. Celebrity Name ___________ BRAS VAGISIL PORN 22. Noun ____________________ DOS EQU RIFLE MONEY HEINEKEN COTTAGE CHEESE CHICKEN 23. Plural Noun _______________ GREY GOOSE BADGE 24. Verb _____________________ 25. Body Part _________________ MAKE MY FUCKIN JOB EASIER YOU LAZY FUCKTARDS. * * * * * * * themedium.backpage@gmail.com 26. Past Tense Verb ____________ 27. Noun ____________________ 28. Animal ___________________ 29. Past Tense Verb ____________ 30. Food _____________________
for Adults
BY MARIO & YOSHI | Staff Buddies
YOU WILL NEED - Some Version of Mario Party
(Directions fit best with N64 Versions)
- Cans of Beer - One Shot Glass - Liquor for the Shot Glass - 3 of Your Best Friends
HOW TO PLAY NORMALLY 1. Ask Nintendo if you don’t know by now. HOW TO PLAY FOR ADULTS 1. Take a drink if your character lands on a red tile. 2. Take a drink if your character is passed by someone else. 3. Take a drink if you lose a mini game. 4. Take a drink if you roll a 1. 5. Take a shot everytime you get a star (Bonuses included). 6. Winner gets a blow job from the loser of their choice (optional for select audiences).
Remember, Drink Responsibly!
Once upon a time the were two little (1), named Hansolo and Girdle. One day, they were (2) through the (3), and (4) upon a house made of (5). They (6) on the door to find out if they could have a (7) of the delicious (8). When the door (9), (10) appeared. The children asked if they could have a (11) of his walls. He (12) them inside, whereapon he began (13)ing water in a giant (14). He (15) them down and fed them some of his delicious (16). Hansolo and Girdle became so (17) that they could not eat another (18). Soon, they became (19) and fell asleep. An hour later, they (20) to (21)’s (22) and they were tied together. David began putting (23) on them and (24)ing their (25). Next, he (26) them into the boiling (27), and they were cooked. He then proceeded to make a fine (28) steak, in which he (29) with a side of mashed (30).