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March 23RD, 2016
Volume LI Issue VIII 50¢ SPRING BREAKING MY SOUL
STUDENT LIVES SPRING BREAK VICARIOUSLY THROUGH SNAPCHAT BY THE BUS KID EIC EIC BABY
PISCATAWAY—Last week, many Rutgers students spent Spring Break traveling the world, especially to fairer weather tropical destinations. However for Katy Dozer, the week consisted of her mainly staying in her Livingston apartment and going through her friends’ Snapchat stories. Dozer, a senior graduating with a degree in Evolutionary Anthropology this upcoming May, found herself strapped for cash this year and unable to afford any airfare back home to Ohio. All she could do is drop off her roommates at the airport for their Friday flight to Cancun and plan her week alone. In order to keep up her spirits, Dozer told herself she would make the most of her time off from school by spending it in a productive manner. Following uncharacteristically sunny
weather, her first plan was to work on her tan. However, Dozer found herself trapped inside her apartment due to rain and cooler temperatures. As Dozer watched her friends enjoy the sun and the sandy beaches across locations in the
Caribbean over Snapchat, she depressingly covered herself in several layers in order to stay warm while watching Friends and SVU reruns. Stranded and stuck inside, Dozer tried again to stay positive Continued on Page A7
A CHRISTMAS CRUZ
Ted Cruz Haunted By Ghost of Candidates Past BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS FREE FLOWING FUNK
HOUSTON, TX—This morning at 2:33 am, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was awoken in his home in Houston, TX by the moaning of three specters of the campaigns of Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich, and Marco Rubio. Cruz was first lead by 1996 Republican nominee Bob Dole, who addressed himself as the Ghost of Candidacy Past. Cruz was shown a more innocent time in GOP history with Dole’s campaign against then-incumbent President Bill Clinton. Extending a bony finger from his robe, Dole pointed to the moment when he proposed to overturn the Supreme Courts decision to restrict states from banning abortion. Dole then bellowed in a chilling voice,
“Presidency will never be yours if your policies are from the past!” “Bah, humbug!” the shaken Cruz shouted at Dole to haunt him no longer, at which point, the Ghost of Candidacy Present,
Newt Gingrich, took the Texan Senator to 2012, where he saw the defeat of Gingrich to eventual Republican nominee Mitt Romney. Distraught, Cruz asked, “You can’t mean for this Continued on Page 2
BOOGYING DOWN Since 1970
QUICKIES
Shit Student Refreshed to Fail Midterm after Enjoyable Spring Break Ben Carson Discovers New Method of Anesthesia using his Voice Google Street View Denies having Nudes of your Exgirlfriend Stacey Greece Bets Future in EU March Madness Pool Trump Plans to Remove All Green Cards from Uno Set Rutgers Student Bullied by Teens during Visit to Old High School Group Tinder Dates Not Orgies?!?!?!?!
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NEWS
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"Yeah, I can totally take 10 inches"
KEEPING IT COOL
U. to Upgrade Cooling Systems Across Campuses BY LATIN MAMA PRO HEAD BOBBER
NEW BRUNSWICK—With the start of the spring season, University officials announced on Monday their plans to install a new cooling system in anticipation of the warmer days to come. The state-of-the art system, designed by faculty in the School of Engineering, uses the Busch cogeneration plant as part of a high-powered refrigerator. Head of Maintenance Bill Trucco detailed the revolutionary system in an exclusive interview with The Medium. “Well, ya see, we here at Rutgers are always aiming to offset good ‘ol Mother Nature. So when it’s, let’s say, 80°F outside,
we like to set the classrooms to a comfortable 32°F,” he explained. “We are confident that that these new cooling systems will accomplish just that.” Despite the university’s assurance that these new systems will promote a “comfortable environment conducive to learning,” some students think that the classrooms will be just a tit too nipply. Much of the student body has voiced their disapproval of the school’s tendency to vastly overcompensate for outdoor weather conditions. Brittany Flowers, a sophomore Finance major, said that she was “forced to wear less clothing than a 2002 Christina Aguilera” and was Continued on Page A7
CRUZIN FOR PUSSY
THE GOOSE IS COOKED
Existence of Cook Campus in Question BY TRAITOROUS GUMBALL STUBBLY FELLOW
NEW BRUNSWICK—Local cartographers speculate that Cook Campus might be a fabricated locale actually belonging to the adjacent Douglass Campus. Parallels have been drawn to the questioned existence of Central Jersey, a part of North Jersey considered distinct by its delusional inhabitants. Official information from Rutgers flip-flops regarding whether the school has four or five campuses. The official website counts five campuses when listing its location, as does the housing and admission websites. However, other official sources, such as the email advertising the “Light Up the Knight” safety walk claim that the university has only four campuses. “It’s a myth. In my semester and a half here, I’ve never seen a bus that would take me to Cook,” said freshman Mitchell Conlan. “If there were really a Cook campus attached to Douglass, the REXL would take us to both. Alas, it only travels to Douglass, because it actually exists.”
If Cook Campus actually exists, the motivation for hiding its existence is not entirely known. Some believe that the campus is hidden out of shame, in a similar manner to Douglass Campus’ Cooper dining hall. “I’ve been there, it definitely exists,” claims freshman Gregory Hill. “It’s just that the university is ashamed of it, so they ignore it. I mean, the place literally smells like silos of horse shit.” Another popular theory is that the campus does exist, but Rutgers staff simply forget about it due to the lack of stereotypes associated with Cook Campus. “The problem is that the campus is forgettable. It has little to differentiate itself.” Said junior Leslie Sofocli, “Livingston campus has freshmen and the business school, Busch has Asians and STEM classes, College Ave has bars and Greeks, and Douglass has women, arts, and scenery. Cook has no particular type of student flocking there.” Although students and staff are unsure if Cook Campus is real, they generally agree that there is little reason to trek that far to investigate.
...continued from front
to be like my current situation! You suggest I will lose my nomination to a spoiled rich guy with a stupid name?” Gingrich’s spirit simply laughed and said in his chubby boy voice, “The time has come for me to leave you, Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz.” At that moment, Cruz was left in a dark and cold conference room with the Ghost of Candidacy Yet to Come, a sobbing and incoherent Marco Rubio in a dark hood. After watching Rubio cry
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
Wednesday, March 23rd 2016
continuously for approximately forty minutes, Cruz asked whether he would see his future, prompting the Floridian Senator to move to stand in front a mirrored wall while continuing to sob. Waking again at nine o’ clock, Cruz leaped out from of bed, filled with the political spirit. He burst out of his bedroom window and called out to a passing lobbyist, tasking him to bring around the prize investor for his Super PAC.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Yagnesh Patel British Girl
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Resident Sodomist
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to foreign girlfriends, be they fake Canadian biddies or orginal English model.
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“IDFWU is the song of our generation”
LOL SCHOOL
EMOTIONS
ARE YOU GRADUATING?
SAD RUTGERS BUILDINGS
BY GRIND ALL Spring break is over kiddos which means we are in the home stretch. Now if you’re a kid like me who has only been in college for at most 3 years, then you have nothing to worry about. But if you are rounding that 4 year mark or even beyond it, you need to start asking yourself, am I actually graduating? Here is a simple quiz to help you figure out whether you will be graduating or not. 1. How many years have you been in college? a. 4 years b. 5 years (yo we all need some extra time) c. I feel personally attacked by that question (6+ years) 2. Are you here to play school? a. Uh, yes? b. I’m here to fucking play the game of life c. WE HERE TO PLAY FOOTBALL NOT PLAY SCHOOL
CENTER FOR PACKAGING ENGINEERING BUILDING FOUND ON BUSCH SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ASIANS AND BOOKS
3. Did you have to cheat in Dance App? a. I didn’t even take dance app b. Okay I slept through it and copied some shit but all in all the bullshit I passed in was mine c. You think I have fucking time to see people tiptoeing in tutu’s and shit?! Of course I did!! 4. Did you get caught cheating in Dance App? a. DID NOT TAKE IT JESUS b. Fuck no I’m good at hiding that shit c. Okay to be real it wasn’t my fault! I mean how was I supposed to know that copying a review from the NY Times and turning it in was “plagiarism” 5. Have you been to Club Alex? a. I like going to Busch because it’s quieter b. Only during finals week c. Nah, is it new? Is it on George St or is it on Easton? Is there a cover charger? Are the girls hot there??? 6. How’s dage season going? a. I mean the weather’s nice to walk to class b. Eh, I’ve missed some good ones but was able to go to most c. I haven’t been sober since it was less than 60 degrees outside and I keep forgetting that school doesn’t get cancelled for nice weather 7. AYE WE WANT SOME __________ ! a. Degrees? b. Pussy... c. PUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY Mostly A’s: You’ll graduate kiddo! You are going to class and doing your work like a good student and I am very sure your mom or whoever is paying your tuition is really proud of you. Mostly B’s: You will graduate but late and just barely. But remember, D’s get degrees. So who cares that you fucked around? College is supposed to be fun and having 10 extra years of debt because of it isn’t THAT bad right?! Mostly C’s: You’re not graduating dude. But hey you might have a budding sport career or college drop out bum career! Don’t worry, RU Grill is always looking for people to work the counter at 3 A.M. so there will always be a pay check for you somewhere.
BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES BUILDING FOUND ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF DOUGLASS RIGHT NEXT TO THE OUTSKIRTS OF YOUR AMBITIONS
HOW TO WALK BY GRIND ALL Since there seems to be some confusion universally of how to walk properly in a social setting I figured I’d create a handy little how to guide for all of you out there who can’t just get that darned walking thing down! 1. Waddle: That one foot in front of the other bullshit is not efficient in the slightest. Seriously, just channel your internal penguin and waddle down the fucking side walk. 2. Look at your phone: Phone’s have maps right? So I mean there is literally no reason for you to ever pop your head up to look if you’re going to run into someone. If people are really that concerned they can move around YOU! 3. Stand in a doorway when you arrive deciding whether to go in or not: Let’s be honest it’s hard to see what bus is arriving when you’re standing inside one of the student centers. Instead of walking outside for two seconds to check or looking at your phone just stand in the doorway and try to figure out whether that is your bus or not. Make sure to squint really hard to everyone around you knows what you’re doing. 4. Multitask: Drink your coffee, text your significant other, listen to music, and try to snap chat at the same time. No one will care that you’re barely even moving on a sidewalk of 100+ people. They understand how important YOU are. HAPPY WALKING!
Wednesday, March 23rd 2016
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ARTS
“Putting on sweatpants is like surrendering for the day.”
“A REAL AMERICAN’’ BY SORRY CORY
“THE DOUGHBOY SPEAKS” BY GOLDIELOCKS
JOIN THE MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS. WEDNESDAYS, ROOM 439, COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 8PM “BILL’S SECRET” BY EATON JEJEZ
“BARCHI: TRAINER” BY SAWYER
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, March 23rd 2016
“The Tab sounds like a bored High Schooler who tells everyone he tried acid.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Did You Do Over Spring Break?
“I went on a mission to Guatemala! It was so beautiful, and I made friends with a little boy named Ricardo from the village we stayed at. I even gave him a bracelet to remember me by! <3” Allie Charleston Student
“I sold some gringa a 10 peso bracelet for 200 pesos.” Emilio Morales Guatemalan Street Merchant
“I starved.”
Ricardo Javierez Needs food, not bracelets
BEST OF BUDS
Where the Weed At? BY CHRIS FISCHER
Hey bro, you got any weed? Just asking because I know you always got that fire. Just wondering if you wanted to chill and smoke. I can smoke you up when I re-up myself. Not sure when that’ll be though, because my guy is out of town. Nah dude, I’m not trying to mooch! I can throw you fives or get you back, whatever works easiest for you bro. We haven’t hung out in forever! Remember how tight we were in high school, I’m just sayin’ it’s been a while and I’m just tryna catch up is all, but I’d be down to smoke. What’s that, you’re all out of bud? Aww shit dude, that’s rough. Truth, I was busy anyway, I should probably go write that paper I’ve been putting off. Hit me up if you ever wanna smoke sometime! By the way, do you still have Aaron’s number? The Medium meets Wednesdays at 8PM in room 436 of the Rutgers Student Center. Show up on time or you’ll miss the child sacrifice!
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WE GET REAL CONTENT TOO
I Planned a Tinder Date For 1800 People. Here’s What Happened.
BY JACKIE DADDIO Mid-afternoon on a recent Sunday, I decided to plan a date for everyone I had matched with on Tinder. It just so happens that I had around 1800 matches from right swiping every profile I came across. I decided to set up an event on Facebook and to make it public so others could come and see what it was all about. I planned for it to be a picnic in BuccIeuch Park and I started inviting people on Facebook and Tinder. Most of the responses were positive. However, among those obliging to the picnic request were some people who were very unhappy with my invitation. I was called a “garbage person” by a 30 year old whiskeyloving writer who made a suspicious amount of grammar mistakes considering writing is his career. Another match called me a “cunt” immediately after inviting them to the picnic. I was told I was having the event “only to gratify my self-worth and to feed my ego.” I answered their messages with an invitation to something that no one is forcing them to attend or to even acknowledge. These men called me weird and crazy, and said I was doing it for attention. I am doing it for attention. I’m trying to point out that men think women owe them sex for the smallest gestures they make. If these guys I matched with can offer me dick pics multiple times, solicit me for blowjobs, call me a cunt, call me a whore for not answering, and say unprovoked, inappropriate, violent, and blatantly sexual things, then I’m allowed to post anything I want regarding what is sent to me. I’ve been consistently posting updates regarding how my matches have reacted to the event and some of my male friends on Facebook were deeply bothered by how offensive it was for me to post what these men had said on Tinder. That is the problem I’m trying to highlight. I was being offensive for posting their messages, but my matches weren’t in the wrong for what they had said to me. I’m more than happy to see what people have to say and so I don’t mind the comments I get on my posts in the event. The problem I do have is with people trying to guilt me for calling these men out. My matches feel that girls should have sex with them because they once held a door open or called a girl pretty. I’m sickened by how people I knew before Tinder reacted mostly because I was being verbally assaulted by men I didn’t even know and it was implied I was doing it all for attention. I want people to see what I’m doing because it is disgusting how men just assume women owe them sexual favors because for acting like decent human beings. There’s something wrong when a woman is called a stupid slut because she decides not to respond to a man asking for nude photos of her on the internet. The reactions from some men regarding my event made it very clear to me that my generation has a big problem with violence towards women who exercise their right to say no. About a month ago when pro-rape meet-ups were planned, people my age were all for the protection of women. However now that I was being verbally attacked, I did not garner any support because I deserved what was being said to me. All I have left to say is, if meninist groups can publicly advocate rape, I can throw a fucking picnic. Jackie is a fifth-year student at Rutgers University.
Douchebag (n): A pejorative term for an arrogant or obnoxious person
Kinky stuff :) A shande to the goyim! Let the record show Do your Bubbe and that Andrew indeed Zayde know you’re on likes kinky stuff :) Tinder?
PERSONALS
the Medium Notice Me
Give Me a Job
Salmonella
Fuck the personals editor, my girlfriend is real.
The Asian girl who noticed me on MSE is actually a feminine guy. I found that out when she pulled down her pants and it was a penis.
I just briskly walked up the stairs and now I can feel my heart racing and I’m breathing like that one obese girl we all knew in middle school.
(So, are you telling me this so I can throw you a coming out party?)
(Sounds to me like YOU were that one obese girl in middle school.)
Every time I come back to school I take advantage of the prepaid utilities to cry in the shower
Why do you need to defrost meat when you can just eat it raw.
(What does the personals editor have to do with your fake girlfriend?) Aww yeah, I got that Asian girl to notice me from MSE. (You probably had a huge zit that was too difficult not to notice.) LA has a huge homeless problem, yet I didn’t see ANY having sex. (Just because they’re homeless doesn’t mean they don’t have dignity, you perv.) (My Managing Editor/ temp EIC harasses me on a weekly basis, throwing books and other objects at me. And the HR team just lets it happen. Please help.)
(With the amount of complaining I get on this page I might as well change my major to psychology. But it’s too much math and I won’t find a job.) (I’m a journalism major and english minor. Someone please give me a job.)
This is how Georgia greets you when you first enter the state. Another reason to avoid one of America’s failed abortions.
WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN ROOM 439 OF THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Fuck You ALL.
(Well salmonella makes you lose your appetite so this sounds like a good weight loss method.)
FAILURE. Can professors stop showing movies every fucking day? I mean I love doing nothing as much as the next person but seriously? I’m paying THOUSANDS of dollars to fucking go to this class and we are watching movies EVERYDAY that have NOTHING to do with the topic. It is ridiculous and even more ridiculous is I’M FAILING. HOW DO YOU FAIL A MOVIE CLASS?! DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW BUT IT’S HAPPENING AND I AM SO DISTRESSED. (It takes a special kind of dumbass to fail a movie class. Congratulations special dumbass.)
PLEASE COME TO OUR MEETINGS. WE ARE DESPERATE AND THIRSTY.
Wednesday March 23rd, 2016
Don’t come into my apartment and then set off the smoke detector while I am in the shower, throw up in the garbage and not throw it out afterwards, blow your shitty vape in my face or food, and randomly walk into my room while I am changing ever again. (I’m sorry, I was just excited to see you and I also wanted to know what music you were playing in your room, was that Christina Perri?!) Trump and Cruz are equally nauseating. (How dare you speak that way about our future president and vice president? Are you with the terrorists? You must be, get out of our country.)
Potatoes & Periods
Spranng Breeaaak
I’m on my period and I’m just letting the blood run down my legs idc anymore.
I spent my entire spring break bleeding out of my mouth. Damn wisdom teeth.
(Honestly I’m just jealous that your period is light enough that you can do that.)
(Women bleed one week out of every month. Pack some gauze in your mouth and stop whining.)
I’m sad tell me a joke.
The concept of “daging” is stupid. Like I hate college kids who are all “Happy Dage Season!” Shut the fuck up you boring, alcoholic, douche.
(My hopes, dreams, and my GPA.) Sometimes I wish I could be a potato. Sure there could be a monster willing to come take me away; sure I might be powering an evil OS but as a potato I have no worries. I do not have to worry about a Mrs. Potato; I could lie on a couch all day and no one could say anything; I would be loved by the Irish. My life would be so much better... (Look up ‘Things to do with a potato’ and ‘Irish potato famine’ you sad, pathetic fuck.) What the fuck did I do with my spring break? I didn’t do shit... (I so badly want to make fun of you and call you a loser, but then I’d be talking about myself too.) Landen fucking sucks. Fuck him, his beard, and those beanies he always fucking wears. (Landen would be nothing without his beard.)
(I tweeted something about how dumb daging is and lost two followers. Those dagers are vengeful assholes.) How did I spend my entire spring break without walking even a mile according to this health app? (You mean a health app isn’t accurately documenting your activity? How surprising.) My friend went to LA for spring break and I kept begging him to find Jared Leto and bring him back to me. He got annoyed and we are no longer friends. (If he can’t understand and accept the importance of Jared Leto, then fuck him. You don’t need that negativity in your life.)
Wednesday March 23rd 2016 themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
the Medium
Only 42 mental breakdowns until summer!
CRAIGSLIST DEALS OF THE WEEK
RUTGERS BLOWS MORE MONEY ON A NEW COACH New Basketball Coach
...continued from Sports
...of a job I do, I will be tossed aside after three years like that unfinished, underappreciated casserole made by a wonderful woman who just wants the best for her daughter and knows she settled because Dan went to Harvard and became a doctor but does her best to accept her son-in-law by painstakingly making him delicious casseroles.” The introduction for the next men’s basketball head coach is tentatively scheduled for March 18, 2019. TRYING NOT TO COMMIT SUICIDE IN NEW JERSEY Snapchat
Are you missing something absurd to display in your kitchen? We’ve got the deal for you! These mint condition Comical Cat Plates can be yours for only sixty actual US dollars!
Does your garden look too good? Do you hire a professional landscaping crew, but think your garden needs to look a little worse? Check out this rusty wheelbarrow! It’s art, we promise! Only $24!
...continued from News
...and improve her situation by trying to catch up on her assignments for Music Theory Online. Completing the first of many assignments, her phone buzzed with a notification from a Snapchat by her friend Harriett. Harriett, who had been spending her break in Miami, sent a video with poorly recorded audio of a Latin busking group. Despite the overwhelming background noise of the city, Dozer became engrossed and quickly went through Harriett’s story to find more recordings and then eventually went through entirety of her friends’ stories, twice. Feeling deprived of any enjoyment this break, Dozer continued this practice of reviewing each and every single story possible without even attempting to skip through, and soon found herself addicted to living vicariously through others’ stories. “I just could not stop,” claimed the senior, “there was nothing I wanted more than another a purple icon with a digit in the bottom right corner of my screen. It just meant more sun, more music, more fun. And I got to enjoy it all. Over and over.” The anthropology major emphasized the banality of her experience on St. Patrick’s Day, when she was only reminded by her various friends posting themselves in green and enjoying the drunken revelry that goes hand-in-hand with the Irish-originating holiday. After viewing her story feed, she quickly went onto Redtube and looked for the first video with a red-headed Irish girl in order to celebrate the holiday in her own way. Having clicked on “Young Irish Girl takes BBC for first time,” Dozer finally added her own Snapchat Story with a picture of herself post-orgasm that had the caption “St. Patty’s Turn Up!”
NIPPLES TURNING TO DIAMONDS Refrigeration
...continued from News
...reportedly “hotter than Satan’s balls” during the fall semester, as the classrooms were relentlessly blasted with heat. Junior Matt Cho also took to Twitter last semester to complain about the sweltering indoor temperatures in the classrooms. “As if I’m not already sweating excessively from being hungover after $2 Tuesday, they have to crank the heat!” he tweeted last November. In response to the students’ complaints, the university released in a statement that they will be equipping each classroom with nipple-cover vending machines free of charge. “Well, it’s not actually free of charge, per se,” added Trucco. “A $75 nipple fee has been added to every full-time student’s term bill. And we know that they’ll need to cool off between campuses so we’ve replaced a couple of buses with mobile meat freezers. You’re welcome.”
Are you funny? Are you going anywhere in life?
HOT DEAL ALERT!
Have you ever wanted your own train? Well, chances are, you’re a piece of shit and aren’t even going to be able to afford a plane, let alone a train. This is probably as close as you’re going to get, you fucking loser.
If you answered NO to either question, COME WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM! MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS RSC Media Room (4th Floor) at 8:00PM
march 23rd 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com PIKIELL KNOWS HE ONLY HAS THREE YEARS TO CHANGE NOTHING
RU HIRES STEVE PIKIELL AS NEW BASKETBALL COACH, TO FIRE HIM IN THREE YEARS BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF DEFUNCT BEAT POET
P I S C A T A W AY — R u t g e r s introduced Steve Pikiell yesterday as the new men’s basketball head coach, where he was met with well-wishes of luck and forewarnings of his impending firing. Eddie Jordan, Pikiell's predecessor, went 7-25 in his third and final year at Rutgers, the exact amount of time the new coach will have to turn the program around. “We are turning over a new leaf,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs. “We look forward to a productive three years with Mr. Pikiell. Then we will grow impatient and throw him away like an old, rotten, moldy, disgusting casserole from your wretched mother-in-law who thinks her daughter could have
been since 1991. The biggest issue Pikiell will face is recruiting, the biggest downfall of Jordan’s tenure as coach. “We need some real fucking players on this fucking team,” said guard Corey Sanders, seen as the team’s best player. “These guys fucking suck. Why the fuck did I come here? I’m from fucking Florida.” Pikiell knows he faces a tough challenge, but seems ready. He was optimistic while addressing the media after being CONGRATULATIONS introduced as coach. Pikiell nearly shed a tear. He was happy to be named coach, but sad to know “I look forward to the he will be gone in three years. challenge. I know I can help done better even though we Pikiell spent the last 11 years rebuild this program, starting all know she has ridiculously coaching Stony Brook, where he by bringing in New Jersey’s high standards for everything finished with an overall record talented youth to play for and makes the worst fucking of 190-155. He took his team their state school. And most casserole in human history. It to the NCAA Tournament this importantly, I know that no sucks, Carol! Learn to cook.” year, a place Rutgers has not Continued on A7
Not Breaking: RU Rugby suspended Breaking: still nobody cares
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: YOU vs. YOUR BRACKET
-Carefully follow college basketball for the entire season, and thoroughly research each team. -Spend days studying and finetuning every pick. -Confidently pay your friend $20 and brag your about to have the best bracket of anyone by far. -Sit down with some nachos, start watching the tournament, see everything turn to shit immediately, throw your nachos at the TV and punch a hole in the wall.
BY TOM BRADY'S UGGS REALLY SMELLY
-Sit back, relax, and let everyone confidently and sensually fill you out. -Give everyone false hopoe. Promise them the world. Say you'll be with them forever. -Say there's no way the team you pick to win it all will lose in the first round. -Promise that 12 seed is Final Four bound. -Once the tournament begins, fuck everyone in the ass, except for the people who don't know anything about basketball.
NEW BRUNSWICK— The Rutgers men’s rugby team is suspended for the spring semester after violating school policies in February. News first broke on March 11 in a poorly written article from This Is American Rugby. It then took 10 days for the Daily Targum to get the story. The Medium first learned of the suspension on February 27, but decided not to publish the story because students does not care about rugby. “We have a rugby team?” said senior sports management major Tim Edwards Three members of the rugby team reportedly missed curfew in late February. While that does not warrant suspension for any other sport, the University decided to embellish the story and
suspend the team, hoping to boost the sport’s recognition. “We said the team went on a six-day, cocaine-fueled bender in Atlantic City where they killed a stripper,” said athletic director Pat Hobbs. “I know that's ridiculous, but we just want people to care about Rutgers rugby.” After nearly a month of lax news coverage, a small group of students is now aware of the rugby team’s suspension. “Wait, the guy who wrote about this in the Targum is a fucking engineering major,” said sophomore Kelly Greene. “This is bullshit.” In other news nobody cares about, the Rutgers debate team won its 30th consecutive New Jersey Universities Debate Tournament, and the Rutgers squash team is moving on to nationals. The Daily Targum will cover those stories in two-tothree weeks.
proving my girlfriend exists SINCE 1970