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Volume XLVII Issue IV QUICKIES
March 5th, 2014
50¢
VIGILANTE VOWS TO FIGHT CRIME BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
Look Inside to Find Meet the Medium and See our Eligible Bachelors Rastafarians Celebrate Hash Wednesday "Ukraine will be Putin its place," Says Russia White Girl Looks for Forever 21 in Voorhees Mall Student Expecting Snow Storm Regrets Drinking on a Sunday Night Americans Disgusted to Learn that 'Bronies' are Still a Thing White Guilts Helps to Win Oscar's Best Picture Wait, March is Women's History Month? Crowded Bus Becomes Accidental Orgy Dogs Unimpressed by Color Issue
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — With the unapprehended murderer still on the loose, Rutgers University Police Department has received reports of a masked vigilante on the streets of New Brunswick. Calling himself Barchi Man, the unidentified crime fighter dons a Halloween mask and a peacoat to keep students safe from danger. Barchi Man began small with his crusade against crime, as many first reported seeing him issue parking tickets to students at Murray Hall. “I’m not really sure what just happened,” says Brett Hamilton. “The asshole gave me a $200 ticket and talked about how this was all a part of his ‘Master Plan.’ What does that even mean?” It seems to many students and faculty that Barchi Man is here to keep the University safe. However, many believe that
THE DARK SCARLET KNIGHT RISES Barchi Man is going to bring justice to all of the those jaywalkers.
he isn’t really going to do any- brought to President Robert Barthing about the violent crimes chi’s attention, he released the surrounding Rutgers. When Continued on Page 2 the arrival of this vigilante was
IT LOOKS AND TASTES LIKE PISS
Fraternities to Contruct Keystone Pipeline
BY EATON JEJEZ STAFF WRITER
FRAT ROW, NJ — A panel of the University's fraternities announced this weekend plans to construct a new Keystone Pipeline to deliver beer to the frat houses of the region. The venture, independent of the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs (OFSA), has filed for construction permits and may receive funding as part of the University’s “Master Plan” for improvement. “Lets face it, kegs are heavy” said Judd McMahon, treasurer of the Beta Rho Omega fraternity, spearheading the project. “And we can’t make the pledges carry them anymore, because WE'VE STRUCK YELLOW GOLD that’s hazing or some shit.” But An artist's rendition of a pumping station for the Keystone Pipeline. it’s not just about alleviating the PSE&G has estimated the average weekly beer rates at $5/guys.
SUCK IT NERDS! SInce 1970
Continued on Page 2
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NEWS
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"Never ask for permission. Apologize often."
CAN WE GET MUCH HIGHER
Freshmen Suck Dick to Move Up
BY JON JACOB "JINGLY" SCHMIDT COPY EDITOR
BUSCH CAMPUS — Busch Residence Life’s week-long program Sexapalooza will be giving many freshman residents a chance of a lifetime. For the first time ever, the studio apartment atop McCormick Suites on Busch Campus will be open to the public. It has been undergoing renovations for the past five years and is finally ready to accommodate residents with a luxury that surpasses those of the Livingston Apartments and BEST. Busch Residence Life (BRL), the entity that decides on who will live in the loft, is stoked. Slobon Mynob, the head of BRL, announced Monday, "I can think of no better way of kicking off Sexapalooza than to start accepting blow jobs from the students competing for this in-demand housing option. The
seven frosh bitches who give head to me best will become the inaugural residents of the penthouse and my personal sex toys. Of course, they need lottery numbers below two-thousand if they're short of stellar." This contest is representative of Sexapalooza, a weeklong series of sex-themed events on Busch. In an interview, Mynob explained, "All of this is a sexual stimulus plan, a little nudge to have the virgins on Busch to become sexually active." Events include singles' activities (The Female Orgasm and Sex Toy Workshop), couples' seminars (Having Great Sex and 69 Ways to Use Saran Wrap), and even something for promiscuous outliers on Busch with Cook-Douglass classes (Free HIV Testing). To apply for the loft, go to oncampus.rutgers.edu/penthouse_forum and start laying on the ChapStick.
NO ONE TRY TO BE A GYRO
Greek Restaurant Robber Commits Hummuscide
VIGILANTE
...continued from front
following statement: “We are doing what we can about this masked fellow, but I do not believe he is doing us any harm. In fact, he may even be doing Rutgers a service!” President Barchi then changed the subject to his
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
Wednesday, March 5th, 2014
POTHOLES? JUST BLAZE!
University Addresses Pothole Complaints BY FELICIA FANCYBOTTOM COPY EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ — The University's police department is working to install additional potholes. Since last week, after New Brunswick P.D. revoked the campus cops' ability to deal with off-campus traffic, this has been the prime directive of RUPD—even above issuing "hella' parking tickets" as granted by Title 39. Many of students and local businesses have had to deal with the potholes intentionally placed on Route 18, Bevier Road, and the backstreets of College Ave. A statement was given, regarding the police's actions as a "traffic calming program" for safer streets. This is called into question by the fact that for some cars, the potholes' depth exceeds clearance and the driver becomes stuck, only to promptly be issued a parking ticket in the middle of the highway. Victims of these potholes and the reverse-speed traps PIPELINE
share their speculations." On Busch, Fuk-Da Po Po was stuck in his '87 Lincoln sedan in the middle of Titsworth Place. "I Fuk-Da Po Po. Cops show up when the car stop. I think they help. They fuck me with ticket instead!" Dinah Moozlebots was issued a $670 ticket for "dangerously deciding to stop in front of the George Street Exit. "RUPD is being a bunch of bitchy brats. My Psych teacher would call this behavior passive aggressive. I reported this behavior to the judge at my hearing. I'm lucky that old pervert was hot for me and had me acquitted." When contacted, the New Brunswick City Clerk's office stated: "The NBPD does not give a shit about the troubles caused by the potholes or the RUPD's involvement. Those glorified meter maids can keep overreacting. The little authority they think they have is a pittance provided on New Brunswick's charity."
...continued from front big part of our sisterhood tradi-
struggles of using kegs. “Beer tion at KNT," said vice president on tap will finally be beer on- Lexi White. "If kegs are eliminattap. You’ll never run out during ed, our girls will have to find a parties, and you can grab a beer more dangerous way to become vulnerable." whenever.” Other groups have health According to those in favor, benefits go further. “Chapters and safety concerns. Rabbi Share always looking to cut costs, lomo Fishenburg, social chair and that’s why we buy cheap of the Jewish fraternity Oy Vey beer like Keystone,” comment- Chai, is asking all the critical ed David Winslow, social chair questions: "What if the pipeline of Epsilon Alpha Mu. “Cutting gets contaminated with non-komore beer costs can only bring sher beer? Can we use it on the social dues down. Buying beer Shabbos? If so, should we? How will be as simple as paying the will this affect OVChai's genderseparate mixers?" cable bills.” Mu cos(Theta), “The EngiBut the plan has seen opposition from other groups neering Fraternity”, has been for various reasons. One such commissioned to develop the group, the sorority Kappa Nu plans for the pipeline and has Strategic Plan for Rutgers and Tau, has been extremely vocal: proposed a completion date of how “the new Chemistry Build- "Keg stands at frat houses are a February 2015. ing is going to look really nice, WANTED: right?” Some call him a hero, but A DECENT WEB DESIGNER WHO most call him old. When it comes CAN MAKE OUR SITE THE SHIZNIT to Barchi Man, Rutgers students have only one question: What www.rutgersmedium.com the hell is he planning to do?
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
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News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche The 2AM Intruder
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Lord Helix and the rest of the Twitch Team. ALL HAIL THE HELIX! Oh, and also to Ryan for giving us pizza. That was cool.
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“My boyfriend can be yours for 5 monthly payments of just $19.95!”
DICK THE SNOWMAN - PROFESSOR XXX
EDUMACATION - MIKE KITCHURA
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DAVID AND JERRY, WORLD’S WORST ROOMMATES PT.III - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
Thought Monday would be a snow day? That’s why I moved your second exam to today. And that’s for not giving me a jalapeño on Rate My Professor. Dear Michael, News 1 & News 2 seriously, sincerely want your dick. I’m down to watch. It’ll be a Míchael à trois. PHASES OF STUDYING FOR AN EXAM - SANIK
1) You get the exam date. You’re happy-- there’s so much time ahead of you! Gleefully jot down the due date, promptly forget it.
A PAIR OF FEMALE GREAT TITS - DR MC!XOTOCK
2) Planning. By the end of the week you’ll have finished reviewing the first chapter. End of the month, done with the book. You got this. 3) First due date approaches. You panic. You haven’t even opened the book yet, have you? No problem, modify the plan. This time you set concrete due dates. You’re about to actually start studying when you notice that modifying the plan already took up an hour. You’ll do it tomorrow. 4) First concrete due date approaches. You ignore it. You’ve had a lot of work this week, you’ve glanced over your notes after class, just got dumped. Whatever. You’re much too busy to focus on studying. You deserve a break. Besides, there’s still plenty of time left. 5) You completely forget about the exam. 6) Excuses. You remember that you have an exam, but delay a little. It’s a lot of work and you have a tendency to get overwhelmed. 7) The test is tomorrow. You’re panicking, shutting yourself off from the world-- you isolate yourself, grow three-day stubble in the course of a few hours. Eyes bloodshot, you rush to finish skimming through all the sections because dammit, there’s no time to waste. 8) Exam. You rush into the exam room, looking like hell because you haven’t showered (or slept) in days. The time has come. 9) Acceptance. You fucked up . The exam was hell. But there’s another exam in just a few weeks! You’ll just ace that one. Besides, there’s bound to be a curve, right? You’ll make a Tickets: $7 new study plan @facebook.com/ tomorrow. rutgersrons real advertisement
“I just wish I could find a picture of them bathing”
THE EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING: CHEEZ-ITS
An essay
It’s easier to get cheese on the Cheez-Its because of global warming. So hallelujah for that. Let’s use another thing that melts like ice. When I was a child I decided that I wanted a pet ice cube because I heard that ice cubes can rap. I found out later, on a walk that I was having with one, that instead of rapping it melted. When I realized that I was like “whoa” but also like “yay global warming.” If you’re not an idiot, you can see how this is similar to cheese because according to the Chem class I’m taking, cheese has the same states as water—or as nerds say, “H2O”. The Cheez-Its react to hotness the same way that water reacts to heat as in that it boils and the cheese can bond easier with the boiled Cheez-Its than with the straight solid Cheez-Its and it goes poor with apple ice cream. I feel that a company should make an apple ice cream because I believe that apples are equal in the food laws to CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA. Therefore, my conclusion is that apples would make a great ice cream flavor if people didn’t have tiny minds. And I think people have tiny minds because of global warming. See how that works? LOL.
Take another hit and submit to themedium.features@gmail.com. Aww yis.
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“Baby, you’re gonna miss that plane.” Male, 20 Build: Italian Ideal Date: I convince you to get off a train with me in a picturesque European city and we fall in love, don’t exchange information, plan on meeting in six months, you don’t show up and we meet ten years later. Guilty Pleasure: Listening to waltzes on the guitar
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PHDDating.com Lisa Mathews
“I have a pitbull that I dress up.” “I’m sorry that I’m so beautiful.” Male, 20 Female, 21 Build: Muscular with a layer of soulful flab 5’4” Ideal date: Mud Wrestling underneath a Legs for days / 32-24-35 sunset on the beach Hair: Flippable Guilty Pleasure: Giggling Eyes: Watching Seeking: A cultured busty woman to drink Seeking: Hot, legal, flexible male. Tuxedo with and fangirl over cool politicos Mask or Max Brenner.
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“I’ll always be faithful to your parents if you’ll be faithful to mine!” Caste: Vaisya; Male, 20; 5’8” Hair: Dark Brown Skin: Sweet Potato Curry Occupation: Cardiologist, Corporate Law Attorney Citizenship: United States of America, India Father’s Name: Santish Patel Looking for: A young women with strong family assets
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“I may like grapes but I ain’t no fruit.” Male, 22 5’11”, Shapely Occupation: Vineyard Manager Favorite Beverage: Grape Soda Favorite Book: The Grapes of Wrath Favorite Fruit: Banana Seeking: A pair of ripe juicy melons.
“Looking for a stiff for my stiff” Male, 20 5’10” Boney Job: Taxidermist Hair: Toupee Seeking: Ages Between 107 and 168 Likes: High Calcium Diets Dislikes: Osteoporosis
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“Can I have some real food?” Female, 19 Traditional Russian Height Soft feathery hair Good Birthing Capability Strong, skilled in goat milking Holds her weight in vodka
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, March 5th, 2014
“Every woman should know who Gloria Steinem is.”
DAVID BOWIE COMMENTARY
David Bowie Gives Me the Creeps BY THERESA ONOBANJO
My roommate just put up a life-sized cardboard cutout of David Bowie as King Jareth from the movie The Labyrinth in our room. I have no idea where she got it, but it’s freaking me out. God, that movie gave me nightmares as a child. Actually, it still does. Every time I go to sleep, I’m afraid that the cutout is going to come to life
and kidnap me and force me to become a third world Nigerian child bride just like he did to young sweet innocent Jennifer Connelly. It’s even worse when I have to change. I’m afraid his cardboard spandex is going to wrap itself around my naked body and suffocate me to death. Don’t even get me started on David Bowie’s hair. Oh. My. God. I always imagine that it’ll aggressively come flying towards my face and attack me. I mean, would I have to go on with the rest of my life with a
mass of King Jareth’s blonde hair going berserk around my head? I just feel physically and mentally violated every time I’m in my room because he (it?) is staring at me with that creepy-ass sultry look on his face like he’s undressing me with his eyes or something. She needs to get rid of that thing otherwise he might just throw me in a giant maze and leave me there to get swarmed by goblins trying to tear my flesh apart.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
He’s Taking Me to Thomas Sweet BY ALINE LAURENCE
I saw this guy at the fitness center at Werblin today. He wasn’t one of those big jacked guys, but he was pretty cute. I was really hoping he’d come talk to me. As I was debating approaching him, he set down his weights, came over, and talked to me! I was pretty nervous, but I kept my cool and guess what: he asked me on a date! I was on Cloud Nine, and I still am. Anyway, I’m meeting him tonight at Thomas Sweet, you know, the ice cream place on Easton Ave. Its gonna be great. He seems like such a nice guy. I don’t know what I’m gonna wear. I feel like I should dress nicely because it’s a date. But then again, I should probably wear something fun because we’re going for ice cream. But what if he shows up in a vest and tie? Ooooh, that would be sooo sexy! And I really hope he doesn’t shave his beard. Some guys shave before dates but secretly, I like scruff. I just hope he doesn’t get ice cream on his mustache!
I’m Taking Her Back to Thomas Suites BY AUGUSTUS PETROVICH
Met this bitch at the gym. She was probably a six, maybe she’d have been a seven out of ten if she wasn’t all sweaty. It was arms day so I was going extra hard with the weights. I’m lifting that shit so hard. I’m feeling it: pure testosterone was flowing through my veins. So you know what? Fuck it. I do the alpha-male thing and go talk to her. Start telling her about my routine and how I like her eyes. And she’s eating that shit up. So I ask her if she wants to come hang at my place for a bit. She said she’d meet me tonight. I’m fucking in! I’m gonna take this bitch back to the Thomas Suites and fuck her tonight! She was pretty damn excited, too. A little confidence goes a long way I guess: she definitely wants it more than I do. Best thing about the Suites is that I don’t feel bad kicking out my roommate. You know, he can hang in the living room or whatever. I hated the dorms last year, always had to sexile my bro. Now I’m free to mack on bitches whenever I want. But she better fucking shave or I ain’t going near that shit.
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ADVICE FROM THE DOCTOR
Ask the Doctor Your Medical Questions Dear Dr. Tossed Salad,
I have a problem with my nipples. They’ve been really crusty for about three weeks now. At first, I just let it be, thinking it’d go away. But finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore because it was getting so itchy. What I need to know is, will I die if I keep picking at the crust on my nipples? Sincerely, Crusty Nipples Dear Crusty Nipples, Well, you won’t die but you’ll probably get one hell of an infection. So don’t write back to me bitching about how your nipples are swollen because you keep picking at them. Hmmm...swollen nipples...well then. If that happens you should cum and see me immediately. And the crust—oh yeah, the crust! If you’re going to pick at it make sure that you try and taste it. Nothing will get you off more. Oh, and then if they’re big enough try to run your tongue around the new skin that was under the crust. You won’t be sorry. It’s so wet. Right around the nipple. You know how to do it, girl. After that just take a dose of penicillin and that should take care of it. If you want it to go away that is. Lick my asshole, Dr. Tossed Salad
WE WILL NOT BE THERE FOR YOU
Last week NBC announced that Friends will NOT be returning for another season nor for their 20 year anniversary. We asked the cast what they thought about this decision. “This is so harsh!” Rachel Green “WHATTT??? NOOO!!!” Monica Geller “Do I still get pizza?” Joey Tribbiani “So we are still on a break...” Ross Geller “Oh, mon dieu!” Phoebe Buffay “Could this be any worse?” Chandler Bing
Wednesday, March 5th, 2014 themedium.personals@gmail.com
7 PERSONALS
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“Whatever that smell is, I want it in my mouth- KM.”
THIS JEW STEPPED OUT FOR A MOMENT
AMEN
ENGRISH
DEAR READERS,
In times of trouble do not forget to pray
over. HA!
bringer of wisdom and protector against
Every time I hear someone abbreviate a word that does not need to Anime Hair isn’t here today, so I’m taking be abbreviated, I die a little bit on the inside.
Did you know that the perfect time to start a Netflix binge is right before midterm exam week? Yeah, it really does wonders for the mind! Like for example, I just watched Human Centipede II the other day, and I felt amazing afterwards.
to the Helix Fossil, blessed be His Name,
(hrs hpng ths fnshs th jb.)
false prophets of
fire
TRUE LOVE To the girl in my Latin class, your symmetrical heart-shaped ass is one of the most amazing hearts that I have seen. I can only imagine you on all fours!
WE KNOW
RAPE DAT ASS
Frat ‘bros’ are seriously the most annoying douchenozzles I’ve ever seen. They never shut the fuck up and spew whatever idiotic thought crosses their mind. They should all die in a fire.
Shoutout to that asshole on RUConfessions who complained that his RA called the cops on him when he was caught smoking weed in his room. Hope you like prison assrape, faggot.
And what’s with all this House of Cards craze going on? Wow, I’m really out of the loop on these kinds of things. I tried making (I think we have our a house of cards last week, and I got to a five- next Shakespeare folks.) card tower and then the whole thing came JLAW crashing down, just like my father’s hopes and dreams. Anyone else think that (Daw, sounds like someAnd here I leave you, my dearest readers. Do Drugs. Make Great Choices. And Most Importantly, Don’t Forget to Feed Your Neopets After School! Sincerely, Four Loki
Jennifer Lawrence’s over- body saturated awkwardness ratio is getting annoying?
(Absolutely not, my dear dear friend. Her awkwardness, in fact, is the sole thing in this universe that fuels my never ending days of fapping. <3 )
couldn’t make this weekend.)
STYLE ICONS
Am I the only one who’s noticing all these goth chicks on College Ave recently? When did they decide to come out of their cave?
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(Shout out to the person who sent in this personal to The Medium who loves to put down others around him. I hope a bird shits all over your face. Annddd, I’m just kidding. You’re awesome. And WOAH, plot twist, the asshole actually enjoys prison assrape, all day errday.)
MARCH 5th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com FAIRIES ANONYMOUS
Report: Nation Excited for Return of Soccer BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—It is only March, but die-hard US soccer fans are starting to crave the beautiful game once again. Sports fans need only to look at ESPN’s Sports Center and see occasional soccer highlights intermittently dispersed between twenty minute long segments about Lebron James’ facemask to notice that the sport’s return is imminent. But the silly little pick-up games in recreational leagues like “La Liga” or “Serie A” can only tide over hungry soccer fans for so long. “I really have missed soccer ever since the World Cup ended in 2010. I don’t get why they only let these athletes play their sports for one summer every four year,” said dedicated Spain fan Mark Johnson of Piscataway. Thirteen-year-old Kaleb Anderson of East Brunswick said he is most excited for the return of the popular videogame, FIFA World Cup. “I never understood why FIFA made a new game every year with made-up teams and no World Cup Mode," he said. "I can’t wait to get back to real soccer this summer with the World Cup tournament." Recently, Landon Donovan was awakened from his four-year hibernation. He said it will be “hugely relieving” to get back on a soccer field for the first time since the USA’s heartbreaking loss to Ghana in South Africa. Regardless of the results this summer, sports fans in the United States can finally sit back and enjoy some soccer again before it disappears for another four years.
FEELING HORNY
JAGR JOINS 700 CLUB, RENOUNCES DEVILS
Pat Robertson promised to prevent his eternal damnation
CBN, known for being the old veteran. creepy Christian show on ABC However before he can apNEWARK, NJ—This week- before Gilmore Girls comes on, pear on a live taping of The 700 end New Jersey Devils forward is happy about having Jagr come Club he must formally renounce Jaromir Jagr became the sev- on and support the cause.How- the Devil. “I mean if that’s enth player in NHL history to ever, they want him to renounce what they really want. But rescore 700 career regular season Satan and all devilish worship ally, would they have rather me goals. The accomplishment was he may be involved in. “I keep played for the Rangers or the reached early in the second peri- telling them, the Devils is just Flyers? Those teams scream sin od in the Devils rout of the New the team name. I pray to Jesus and bestiality.” At present time Jagr was York Losers, also known as the every day and let him know that…that just because I play for seen entering his local church Islanders. the Devils does not mean I want carrying his Devils jersey which “We are extremely proud of Jaromir for accomplishing this to be on the Devil’s team. I hate he plans to sacrifice at the altar. amazing mark in his career,” ex- him,” explained theb 42-yearclaimed Devils G.M. Lou Lamoriello. After which, he stated that since accomplishing the feat, Jagr will be taking a leave of absence from the team. “Yeah, I’m happy that I scored my 700th goal, but what I really want to talk about is my love for my Lord and savior Jesus Christ,” preached the Czech star. Since becoming the newest member of the 700th club, Jagr is now able to follow in the footsteps of other hockey greats Wayne Gretzky and Brett Hull to guest host CBN’s The 700 Club. “I just love Jesus so so so so much that I can’t wait to really get out there and share with CZECH HIM OUT Jagr said the apocalypse is coming when the Leafs win a Cup. others the miracles of Jesus.” BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
ATTACK AT THE RAC
17 Dead, Many More Injured Following T-Shirt Toss at Basketball Game BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ—A oncegleeful crowd left the Louis Brown Athletic Center devastated and in tears following the deadliest sporting event in New
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NO BASIC BITCHES!
Jersey history. A t-shirt toss, one of the most popular events at any sporting event, turned deadly as fans trampled one another to get free shirts during the Rutgers women's basketball team's loss to USF on Monday night. "It was a mayhem. People showed a complete disregard for human life as they dove and fought. And for what? A free tshirt with a block 'R' and a Subway 'Eat Fresh' logo?" pondered head coach C. Vivian Stringer, who had not seen a t-shirt toss turn out this poorly since the Massacre at Hawkeye Arena in
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her first season coaching at the University of Iowa. "I threw two shirts and knew to get out of the RAC," said male cheerleader Julian McCann. "I saw evil in people's eyes like I have never seen before." Cheerleaders were seen using slingshots normally reserved for shooting the shirts to repel barbaric, teeth-bearing crowds. RUPD Chief Kenneth Cop said it was the worst event in he has seen in his twenty years at Rutgers. "I just think of all the kids who went home without parents or shirts," he said.