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Volume XLVII Issue V QUICKIES
March 12th, 2014
50¢
UNIVERSITY STRATEGIC PLAN:
MORE SWAG
BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
Stockholm Syndrom Causes Freshmen to Like Rutgers Condoleeza Follows in Footsteps of Mike, Ray Rice Russia Deploys Paratroopers, "It's Ukrainin' Men" Dangerously High Levels of Pumped Before Spring Break
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- After several months of revision and review, the Rutgers University Board of Governors unanimously approved a new five-year initiative for the institution. The University Strategic Plan, which originally called for better academic support services, improved infrastructures, and strengthened learning environments, has been scrapped in favor of a new plan: upping swag. University President Robert Barchi addressed the media in his new fitted snap-back to discuss the recent changes. “It’s all about attracting BARCHI CHILLIN' WITH MASTER BREWSKIS students of a new generation,” Barchi meeting with his executive council to talk business and bitches. Barchi said. “We want to be the our swag is consistently on a Professors will not be perswaggiest, swag factory for un- hunnid-thousand,” he said be- mitted to hold classes without dergraduates in the Northeast,” fore snapping a quick selfie be- proper swag. Faculty members he continued. “We want to cre- tween questions. Continued on Page 2 ate a baller environment where
WHAT ABOUT FIVES?
New Rutgers Business Course Teaches Frat Party Ratio Economics
point, he called in his secretary, a voluptuous redhead who laid on her makeup a bit too heavPISCATAWAY, NJ-- The Rutily that day. "Sugar buns, spin gers University Business School around would you? Doesn't has been expanding its course Astrid look just like that babe offerings to include more practifrom Mad Men?" he continued cal courses for the everyday stuhis lecturing. "Girls have differdent. These include classes on ent worth. Astrid over here is "Personal Finance", "Emerging an eight at the least. She is easCurrencies: Bitcoin", and "Womily worth two fours on her worst en in Commerce". These classes day in the Rutgers market. Take will be offered to all students for her to another school, a smaller the Fall 2014 semester and held school, and she'll be considered in the recently erected heada ten. It's a different market and quarters of the Business School. you've got an exchange rate. The course anticipated to "YES, THE ASS IS FAT" be the most popular of the new Students and faculty alike are excited for this revoluntionary classroom She's worth more elsewhere, but I have her here because she's offerings is "Women in Comexperience that will totally get everybody laid. merce", where the class will realize it. When I was an un- it could have been eight-to- nice to look at. Who knows? She learn the economics behind the dergrad here, my frat brothers one. We didn't know how many might appreciate in value over ratios here at Rutgers Universi- and I could never decide how chicks were at his disposal or time." Smacking her tight ass, ty. Professor Chaz Buono stated many girls to charge a guy for how many we would need later he exclaimed, "It's all about supply, demand, and the Invisible that "there has been a need for our parties. Sometimes, the rate in the night." To demonstrate his main- Hand!" a class such as this at Rutgers was three bitches, other nights for years and I am happy to Continued on Page A7 BY LEMONGRASS GOGULOPE COPY EDITOR
I <3 Porn Conventions SInce 1970
the Medium
NEWS
"Okay, this time I'll Google 'gangbang WITH clothes on.'"
BEHIND CLOSE DOORS AND THICK BUSHES
Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
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SERIOUSLY, FUCK THIS SNOW
Fraternity Accepts Coed Weather God Admits He’s Drunk, ‘It’s Been Rough’ Members for First Time BY ANIME HAIR PERSONALS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE CAMPUS-The notorious fraternity Beta Rho Omega has accepted female pledges for the first time ever. Thus far only one pledge, Sandy Bushman, has survived the latest challenges, but she is still very excited to join. “I think that this holds enough historical relevance to continue, no matter what the cost,” says the SAS freshman. “Sure, pledging a fraternity is much harder than joining a sorority. But in the end, I think both me and my brothers will be satisfied.” Active members of BPΩ vehemently agree. “I’m glad that the pledge understands the importance of not asking questions,” says one anonymous member. “She also hates reporting things to the police, which is awesome. Really hope that she can finish me-- uh, that she finishes at the end.” Of course, while some adjustments to the rules had to be made, Sandy is treated like any other pledge. BPΩ is well known, for example, for making all their pledges walk around
bare chested while in the confines of the house. While they were somewhat lax on it before, the rule is now strictly reinstated. The female pledge is also expected to drink just as much alcohol as a male pledge, and she is not exempted from paddling. However, the brothers of BPΩ have vowed to take into account her smaller physique. “Who knows? We may not use the paddle at all,” reports BPΩ Hegemon. “It can get pretty dangerous. Bare handed spanking is just as humiliating. We may just squeeze her ass for a bit. You know. Safety comes first.” Many surrounding actives nodded sagely in agreement. “Yeah, I think I can do it,” reports Sandy. “Definitely I hear they’re changing the whole initiation ritual just for me. Yesterday some packages were delivered for the event, and one started vibrating! Can you imagine? They’re probably some nice neck massagers.” The Medium vows to update on Bushman’s status as much as they can, while taking as many pictures as possible.
BY THE HEN HEN MAN COPY EDITOR
THE HEAVENS-- Citing “millennia of accumulated frustration and disappointment” as the source of His wrath, Weather God, Our Lord, has acknowledged during an exclusive otherworldly conference that He is, in fact, responsible for the turbulent weather in recent decades. “It has been a particularly difficult time for me and it saddens me to see how the world has degraded into turmoil,” Weather God said, admitting that as a result, He has fallen into a deep depression and reverted back to alcoholism by drinking excessively during night time when no one is looking. “The pollution and the illegal logging… those inhumane acts are making me upset.” Local people and news have reported the sudden change in temperatures and the prolonged snow storm last month that saw several cancellations of schools and flights as a sign of God’s outrage. “I am responsible for the severe climate,” Weather God continued, crying and bemoaning as His tear drops transformed into a huge rain storm that caused devastating flood in North Africa. “Human beings dishearten me. And this is BROCHI
more than an admonishment-- it is a punishment!” He said as His speech slurred. “Those lowly laypeople have often come and asked me for forgiveness,” The Divinity went on and added that He actually never forgives since the birth of the Earth 4.5 billion years ago and estimated the number of human beings He has not forgiven in the span of time at approximately 95 billion. “Some of them even did sunny dance in hopes of changing my mind… but nothing can move me, not even a volcanic seismic earthquake.” When asked when was the last time Weather God was this enraged, He tersely and succinctly answered: “Mesozoic Era”-- the era which mass extinction occurred, causing vast number of species to evaporate from the surface of the Earth in just a split of a second. “Dinosaurs are bad people,” He said as he continued to sob. “This is utterly unacceptable,” The Supreme Leader reprimanded as He violently brandished the beer bottle in His hand. “I have never seen such chaos and lawlessness in the past several million years. Humans, your irreversible actions Continued on Page A7
footsteps of the athletic department, which last year rolled out that do not even lift have a two new, swaggie football uniforms month grace period to get their to attract a wider group of reswoll on or submit their resigna- cruits. The Rutgers University tion from their positions. First media department will be tarTransit, now sponsored by Bu- geting prospective students as gatti, will be rolling out a new young as 8th graders with their fleet of swag-inspired transpor- new ‘Insta,’ campaign, which tation, complete with drivers is expected to include a range who had swag in high school but of faculty inspired ‘Woman are now burdened with a child Crush Wednesdays,’ profiles or lack of higher education. Al- on the school’s most productive exander Library on the College Adderall abusers, and a new "HOW LONG SHOULD I WEAR THE BLINDFOLD?" Sandy Bushman bonds with her brothers in multiple ways at once. Avenue Campus, affectionately partnership with the ‘Rutgers nicknamed “Club Alex,” will Crushes’ Facebook and twitter begin undergoing construction accounts. With swag on the hothat will actually turn it into a rizon, both current and prospecWANTED: functioning nightclub, President tive students are embracing the A DECENT WEB DESIGNER WHO Barchi revealed in an email to University’s new brand and are preparing for a future they will CAN MAKE OUR SITE THE SHIZNIT students. The new initiative is be- all likely look on with shame www.rutgersmedium.com lieved to be following in the when they get old.
Editorial Acting Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Staff Business Manager Spring 2014 Mascot
Devin Baker Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
...continued from front
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Our Missing EIC
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the grapes. Oh yes, the grapes, the delicious, plum, firm juicy grapes. So round, so ripe, so...sorry, I need to change my tight pants.
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FEATURES
the Medium
“I thought I was in Boston for a second....”
USELESS REVIEW
Sochi Winter Olympics 2014 BY: THE HEN HEN MAN COPY EDITOR
The Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia was a success! It started with the grand Opening Ceremony and straight dancers with colorful outfits all aimed at one theme-- no gays allowed-and continued to a variety of featured events: ranging from battling for a cute little puck with angry Canadians with no teeth to finding a working toilet with a functioning flushing system. The time is right! This whole thing was worth the wait. Despite the fact that the ceremony was cut short because Vladimir Putin had to put out the fire while claiming that it was “too flaming” and even though the dancers donning colorful outfits were arrested because Russian officials suspected the subtle promotion of homosexualism, everything was just fine. Nothing bad happened! All straight athletes were awarded medals after little to no competition because gay athletes were all mysteriously disappeared. Oh, and furthermore, the Winter Olympics inspired many kids to participate in sports that parents simply cannot afford. I mean could this have gone any better? Regardless, this brouhaha ultimately ended peacefully-- no athletes or gays were harmed during the process of this lovely competition in the great Motherland. XXll Olympic Winter Games will receive four out of five rings-- just like the hilariously unfortunate mishap that occurred during both the Opening and the Closing Ceremonies where one of the five iconic Olympic Rings failed to completely illuminate.
FUCK YEAH SUBMISSIONS
Crash Diets for Spring Break BY: SUPA KRUPA TRUPA SOMETIMES SHE’S HERE. SOMETIMES NOT.
Worried that you'll look like someone from the Bubble Butt music video? Worried that you're packin’ more than a smackin’ while you're trying to soak up some sun in Panama City Beach with every other member of Greek life? Try these fun diets! 1. Food wrappers/Images of Food: Whenever you're reaching for those Oreos, reach for the box or wrapper instead. It definitely won't taste as good as the real Oreos but it will look just the same! And-- think of all that fiber! 2. Straight Soda: Drink eight cans of soda a day. Drinking liquid sugar is way better for you than munching on cookies and other foods. The liquid will move right through you and the caffeine will boost your metabolism and burn calories like there’s no tomorrow! 3. Salted Bricks: Eat four servings of this every six hours. It's guaranteed to make you to drop a ton and break your teeth so you won't be able to eat anyway. (Tastes better with butter and apple sauce.) 4. Grazing with Cows: Nothing says “organic” like eating fresh grass. The best way to enjoy this experience is while sitting next to a cow in fresh manure. The manure also works as an excellent facial moisturizer. 5. Soy Milk + 2 Kegs: After you chug the soy milk and the 2 kegs, you can even use the kegs as weights on either side of the barbell! If none of these things works you could always drink buckets of cabbage soup, swallow a tape-worm, eat cardboards, or just not eat anything. All of these things should help your bubble butt. What doesn't kill you will make you look hot over Spring Break! Enjoy Biddies <3 CAUTION: The Medium staff will never be stupid enough to try the any of the things listed above. If you are stupid enough to, it's not our fault that you don't have common sense... fool.
GAME CORNER
Midterm Exam BY: FOUR LOKI NORMALLY INSANE
1. When you sit across from a girl on the bus and she is licking her lips, she: a. is totally mentally undressing you b. just finished eating and is a total slob c. is in dire need of chapstick d. is staring hungrily at the box of Girl Scout Cookies you have on your lap e. none of the above 2. Places that you can be kicked out of include: a. The DCC before opening time b. the stairwell of the Barnes and Noble on College Ave c. the midterm classroom where you’re 20 minutes past the end of the period d. any computer lab one minute before closing time e. all of the above 3. Which type of female is prime for recreating the events from Lolita? a. Catholic elementary school girl b. 9-year-old soccer player c. 12-year-old ballroom dancer d. That girl from “We Bought a Zoo”
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SPECIAL GUEST
Die Hardest BY: CHESWHICKE COPY EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ-- In an ongoing series of guest lecturers by the School of Criminal Justice, supercop detective John McClane visited a class of students in Lucy Stone Hall. Infamous for their labyrinthine design, the halls of LSH are perpetually occupied with lost students just trying to find their classrooms. LaWendy Gerald, a faculty member in the School was set to introduce Mr. McClane, but has not been seen since she departed from her office for the lecture that morning. Had she only taken an alternate, direct route like the guest, she might not be missing. McClane took the vents into the puzzling building and was able to arrive at the lecture on time after only losing his shoes and a two pairs of socks. Screaming “Yippee-ka-yay!” he dropped from the ceiling vents. He landed in front of the students and was met with applause. The cheering abruptly stopped when he sat down to remove glass shards from the bleeding soles of his feet. “Motherfucker!” he repeated to himself, into the microphone, as he painstakingly extricated each shard. No one said a word the entire time. The elderly Dean Dommy Clover, who scheduled the event and knew McClane sat patiently for half an hour throughout the course of McClane’s cursing and grumbling about some “German Snape” fellow and having to pay child support to “a woman worse than all the terrorists combined.” Full of regret and better things to sit through, Clover left, muttering, “I’m too old for this shit.”
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OPINIONS
“Using both hands and this map...find your ass.”
Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
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ETHICAL QUESTION OF THE WEEK
THE GREAT DEBATE
Hello everyone and welcome to The Great Debate. This week we will be discussing “Pokémon” and the messages it portrays. In this episode of the popular adult TV Show “Pokémon” we see the Pokémon Bulbasaur, which is the little green creature, being what appears to be getting sucked by the larger Pokémon Heracross. This is a frequent occurrence in the episodes they appear in, as Heracross likes to suck sweet substances such as honey, tree sap, and apparently what ever is in Bulbasaur’s bulb. Now there seems to be two sides to this question on whether or not this is acceptable for Heracross to do to Bulbasaur over and over again. The first way is that is a horrific scene where we have to wonder what
COMMENTARY
children are watching. Heracross is definitely violating Bulbasaur in a way that could be seen as sexual assault. Based on the picture Bulbasaur seems to not be enjoying w h a t Heracross is doing to him. This is not something that we should be showing to our children. Are we saying that this is okay to do? To impose your will on other people and take advantage of them, possibly in a sexual way? Now there is the other side of this question: Is this just a scene that is fucking sexy
because they are fictional characters, not people. So it is a good way to teach kids a lesson and something we can all
“No.”
Mike James
and is something we can all enjoy and get off on? Like do you see the action Bulbasaur is getting? Don’t we all wish we were getting sucked like what Bulbasaur is getting? ‘Cause Heracross is putting in some fucking work. God it’s so fucking hot. This is just a way to have children be sexually oriented in a non-threatening way
I Am Still Alive BY BIGGIE SMALLS
There have been rumors going around for many years and I just want to clear things up. America, I’m not dead. Now I know for some reason this may be a shock to many of y’all, and I don’t even know how this rumor started, but I am telling you, I’m still alive. I’m Biggie Smalls, The Notorious B.I.G., Big Poppa. How can you possibly think that I would be six feet under already? Biggie won’t ever die, I’m immortal, and I’ll always be around. You might be wondering where has Biggie been, and I’ll tell you here and now, so listen up. Back in ’96, my adversary and friend Tupac Shakur was murdered in cold blood. After that, I took a long hard look at my life, and wondered what I was doing. My lyrics were
never meant to hurt, to kill, or to hate. It’s all about love baby, and if our rivalry is what caused the death of Tupac, I couldn’t do that anymore. That’s why a few months later I decided to quit the rap game. But that doesn’t mean I’m dead. You got to listen. I did it for the good of the world. All I ever wanted to do was to make the world a better place, and my rap songs weren’t helping anymore. So now you might be wondering, “Biggie, what you been up to for the past 17 years.” And I’m gonna keep it real with you America, I’ve been dabbling in some things, and lately it has been home décor. Now you might wonder what a man like me is doing in home décor. You’ve got to understand that home décor, just like the rap game, is another form of art. And here no one is gonna be hurt my
get off on. I will now let our panel of college students discuss: Is this a scene that promotes a possible “rape culture” by violating an innocent creature, or is this a scene that is incredibly hot that we can all get off to?
decisions. Well maybe they’ll get an eye sore or a headache, but that’s life. If people want to bring on the hate in how I set up my furniture and what pictures I’ve been hanging up, I’ll just tell them, “To all the people that told me I wouldn’t amount to anything, “ wait a second how does that go again? Ah screw it, it’s been too long. Just don’t fuck with me homie, or shit will get rough like it did back in the 90’s. I might be getting old, but I’m still B.I.G. and I don’t care what a punk like you has to say to me, damn right ‘cause I am Biggie, and nobody gets to mess with me or my home décor and live to talk about it.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAY IN THE BCC 120B AT 8:00 PM
“Yes.”
Eddie Anderson
“Yes.”
Lexi Sunshine
“No.”
Tanya Greene
WANTED POSTER
Please if you see this man or anyone who looks like him, tackle him and do not let him leave. Considered to have an infectious disease.
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ARTS
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“How you gonna have titties and no dick?”
FAMILY GENEOLOGY - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
WRONG TIME JOKES - HARJIT S.
Advanced Calculus Doodles
BROKE THE SQUARE - RICH FINGERLAND
DAVID AND JERRY, WORLD’S WORST ROOMMATES PT.II - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
Doodles from other classes Page 1
Last week’s Meet the Medium omitted two extremely significant members of staff: Your own dear Professor XXX and the spicy pumpkin Krupa Troopa. Clearly, this is racism. To protest, we have posted our own photo and will continue to do so until we receive the News Editors’ combined weight in chocolate. Be funnier than me and submit shit!
PERSONALS
the Medium
“$1000 for my mother?! She’s way classier than that.”
SMARTASSES
PROFESSIN’
BUTTHURTIN’
To that guy in my theology class- shut the fuck up already. Nobody cares about your “insight” that you seem to have every time the professor opens his mouth. And anyway, half the time you’re wrong, especially about the Old Testament.
To my fucking macro professor, how do you have a fucking job when you can’t explain surplus and shortage correctly?
Dear Medium, I’d really like an answer to this-- Why does Rutgers have to be so gay!? So we’re in class talking about pair-bonding and shit, and then this girl is like “does it have to be two members of the opposite sex?” FUCK! What is it that makes a girl want to plunge her hand into her besty’s crotch? I guess you can’t appreciate it unless you’re AC/DC with a pus-C, but damn. Haven’t you ever thought that maybe pair-bonding with the opposite sex might be a good thing and not just forced rape? If you want to be lesbian forever, then that’s okay, but don’t expect men to take you back or consider you as relationship material after you’ve had a longstanding gf.
(If only anyone cared about religion anymore) I honestly feel so great that I’m doing so much better in my class than my room mate. Every time I get an A and he gets a C I have to stop myself from licking the tears off of his face. SPRINGTIME FORIf one motherfucker sends in a personal how "oh it's getting warmer so girls can wear booty shorts again" kill them immediately. All about the sun dresses you dumb fucks. (Easy access all the way yeahhhh!!!)
(Is this the same guy who complained last time? Jeez man get a life.)
DOUGLASS To the guy with the amazing hat on Douglass, your hat is on point my friend. When I saw you I expected to see you have a cheesy mustache but lucky you didn't. Don't grow a mustache or you'll look like a pedophile. Why does the Douglass library always have to paint over the graffiti in the bathrooms. What else am I suppose to read while I shit? (That isn’t white paint, my friend.)
HIGH TIMES
(You’re probably just mad that she gets more pussy than you do.)
Where the fuck are all I just wish that trees the personals at? Step What befuddles me the could be assholes back to up your game Medium, most about my dorm is humans. That way, when or I’ll have to go back to that the extremely intro- a tree cutter is about to reading the Targum! verted girl on my floor cut a tree down, the tree walk around in her un- flips over the guy’s truck (Why don’t you say you’ll derwear every other in tantrummed protest play in traffic, as long as for its life. OR, a tree at you’re threatening to do week. the side of a road can idiodic things.) (She’s taking advantage of punch buggy cars whenthe warming weather, as ever a Volkswagen car PLEBS every girl should.) passes by. That’d be fuckTo whoever runs the Ruting awesome. gers bus schedule, how Has anyone else notice What if birds could about you not have the that the geese are back? actually speak English buses sit at the campus God I hate them so and we were speaking center for the 5 minutes fucking much. bird the whole time. before class is going to (But the babies are so very, Like really how weird start. Those 5 minutes would that be? could’ve been spent, I very cute!) don’t know, GETTING ME TO CLASS ON TIME. YURI OF THE WEEK: RYUKO/ SATSUKI And no I’m not going to leave earlier because 8:20 am is early enough. (OR you can stop being a pleb and just buy a car or something.) The Lego movie honestly wasn’t that good. Like yeah, some parts were funny but there was way too much hype and the jokes were over used. Overall I would not recommend if you’re older than ten. (I only put this in so that other people could withness your stupidity)
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WEEKLY REPORT So I guess it just figures that I’m out for one week and the A7 editor fucks it all up. Really? You’re gonna praise Jennifer Lawrence? That girl is one night stand material only. Luckily Anime Hair’s back, don’t even worry about it my little plebs. You’ll never have to go through that horrible ordeal again. Speaking of horrible ordeals, I’ve decided to integrate a letter of the week. Today’s letter is “I,” as in “Impulse” and “I’m totally fucked”. Tune in next week for even more fun letters. SUBMIT YOUR PERSONALS TO themedium.personals@gmail.com MISSED CONNECTIONS M4W, Douglass You were in front of me on line at the DCC cafe. You screamed at the cashier for ten whole minutes because she overcharged you by 15 cents. You reminded me so much of my mother; I have never been more hard in my life. W4M, Livingston Last night I awoke to a man (you), hunched over my bed, pleasuring himself. Fair warning: I know how to pick locks just as well. Next time, it’ll be the other way around. M4M, College Ave. The grunts as you deadlifted those weights could be heard throughout the gym. I was the guy in the corner, casually lifting some ten pound dumbbells. You really made my glasses fog up, contact me if you want a different type of workout ;) M4W, George St. You were the starbucks barista who rang me up. Please, please take more of my money. You already charged about half of my savings for that venti, so what’s to stop you from going all the way? Hell, who needs college money when I can have some delicious overpriced crap-- oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself. You were real hot, call for a good time. M4W, Scott Hall Busstop I felt that my hand resting awkwardly on your ass while we were crammed together in the bus meant a little bit more than casual stranger interaction. One can say I could even feel a spark from your ass, in a maner of speaking. Want to feel some more? W4W, Busch At first, when you decided to “earn” your beads at Mardi Gras night, I thought you were just being an idiot. But then I realized, no: it takes a very “special” type of woman to bare her breats in front of a crowded dining hall. One who is unique enough to never ask questions, for instance. Call me if you want to earn some more “beads.”
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PAGE A7
“Why can’t we just take people who litter and their trash and shoot them into the sun?”
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GET A JOB! IT’S EASY!
Career Services Really Does Prevent Poor Life Choices BY LESLIE KNOPE STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-Coming into Rutgers, Lola Tennison had always thought that she wanted to become a writer. Now Tennison, a senior in the Ernest Mario School of Pharmacy, is well on her way to becoming a well-paid pharmacist after she graduates. What spurred this radical change of career paths? “It was definitely the Office of Career Services. They were the one to help me realize that I was much more interested in pure hell than somewhat mediocre hell.” The Office of Career Services, with two offices on Somerset Street and the Busch Campus Center, has helped thousands of students to evaluate their interests in order to pick an appropriate college major. Bill Davis, associate director for Career Development, says it is his goal to alleviate students’ stress at not finding their dream major. “We make the students, especially first-years that come wandering into our offices, take personality quizzes on Zimbio and Buzzfeed because of how amazingly accurate they are. Students that come to us have no idea what they want to do with their lives, so after they get the results from the quizzes, then they can finally pick a major that will dictate everything they do for the next four to five years. I’ve found over the years that students find comfort in having limited options, because then they don’t have that ‘what if’ factor hangRATIO
ing over their heads. That’s what I love telling to first year students. They get all panicky for a second. It’s so funny!” Tennison recalls her first visit to the Career Services Office as a freshman. “I took that one quiz called ‘What should your college major be’ or something like that and got Pharmacy. I was like oh shit, better change my major lol! So I did.” Besides helping first-years to find out what they want to do in life, the Office of Career Services also helps upperclassmen with the impending job search process that has claimed the lives of many. Davis says that his office helps seniors to begin the job search process. “It’s really simple to start actually. People never think of googling for jobs. By the time they’re seniors, students are brainwashed into thinking they have to network all the time, but really, a simple Google search will do at times.” Davis says that all Rutgers students should come into the Career Services if they ever seem lost and confused about their career paths. “We are all about shameless self promotion because many people have discovered what their dreams and passions are through us. And that’s why we’re here.” Local parish in search of new pastor after the last one was caught fondling infants during Baptisms. Please visit our office at 31 Church Street, 3rd floor. We will be running background checks this time. ...continued from front
Through his secretary’s downstairs room, it was apparent that Buono was staring down Astrid’s full blouse from atop the glass ceiling. It is comforting to know that the architects of the unusual building had some purpose in mind for its glassy design. When asked about the possibility of enrolling in this course, Gopal Sundrahemanian, a brother of MO$ business fraternity on campus, expressed great excitement. “This is great. It combines my two loves: international business and straight pimping.” He continued, “There are not enough practical courses and all of these new classes sound great, but it’s like I always say, ‘Ain’t no bidnis’ like ho bidnis’.’” Following the interview, Sundrahemanian raced upstairs into 100 Rock to start kissing Buono’s ass for a guaranteed seat in the class. WEATHER
...continued from front
have met your inevitable consequences!” On the other hand, according to celestial sources, it is reported that Calendar God is also inebriated and thus explains the phenomenon regarding the irregular order of the number of days in each month. Not to mention that this past February only has 28 days instead of 29, 30 or 31 days.
BY CITIZEN SNIPS MANAGING EDITOR
CLASSIFIEDS- JUMP START YOUR CAREER! FRATERNITY SEEKING BEVERAGE DEVELOPMENT TASTE TESTER FOR SPRING 2014. CANDIDATE MUST BE FEMALE AGE 18-19. CONTACT RHO PHI SOCIAL CHAIR 908-555-1234
DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE WRITING A PROFESSIONAL RESUME? ARE YOU PL AGUED WITH SHIT TY RESUME AFTER RESUME? WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BE HELPED. YOU WILL BE FOREVER TRAPPED IN A STATE OF MEDIOCRITY.
Lonely student on campus Concessions job now! Sell popcorn, soda accepting resumes for sex partners. Offering inter-course for upcoming summer with many positions and holes to choose from. #RUCompeting BEARD
and candy for a unprofitable theater. Light bartending will be taught as well. We only want engineering students. Just kidding. We’ll take anyone. Except for couch potatoes. We don’t want you here. We’re a highly responsible set of employees, so if this sounds like you, just apply! If not, please go back to watching the Kardashians, you bum. ...continued from back
to remove his beard, it would nonetheless be “a violation of human rights” for any demand that intentionally and directly targeted at his beard. “Do you know what I see? I see beard inequalities in this league,” Williams said. “I don’t understand why Houston Rockets’ James Harden is getting endorsement deals while I’m earning a measly $20 million a year and have to take pictures with the tourists in Time Square during the off-season.” The former Illinois standout later told the Medium that he’s planning to turn this hairy incident into a civil right movement by suing the Brooklyn Nets for discriminating against his trademark beard. “I have a dream, that one day all bearded players can play basketball together without receiving different treatments,” Williams said as his guttural voice trembled. “We are all living in an illiberal society. Where is democracy, America?”
MARCH 12th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com QUICKIES
Jets release Holmes, Cromartie; Crime rate, child support in NJ/NY down fifty percent Lou Lamoriello: "But Brodeur was my goalie" as he loads shotgun Medium editors realize how unathletic they are while writing sports Derek Jeter fucks a model as you read this Kobe Bryant breaks his right leg in half, done for the season Phillies fans practice battery, bottle throwing for baseball season NFL bans N-word, C-word, D-word, K-word, I-word, and Z-word Rutgers curling team houses seven stones in a single round!
PRESIDENT BARKI APPROVES
EDDIE JORDAN HOLDS OPEN TRYOUT FOR DOGS BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
hund, you can't say enough about him. The frisbee is half his PISCATAWAY, NJ-- Following size but he showed the right dean 11-20 season where the Rut- termination and grit to go after gers men's basketball team will it," said Jordan. "We need playnot qualify for NCAA Tourna- ers like that on this team to get ment play, head coach Eddie to the next level." With the impending graduJordan announced his plan to accept one dog on his roster next ation of 6-foot-9 center Wally Judge, the coach said he is curseason. Jordan and his coaching staff rently scouting a few great danes will host the open tryouts after in Holland. In addition, Jordan said he the Scarlet Knights' are eliminated in the AAC tournament, is also planning to hold Irishbut let's be honest, they have no only tryouts searching for leprechance in the next round against chauns, scrappy hockey players that are often overlooked, and Louisville. The first-year head coach athletes nicknamed "The Jet." He later admitted that his said he first came up with the idea after seeing a halftime show hotel TV was stuck on The Dislast weekend of dogs catching ney Channel all weekend. frisbees. "Sparky the Dachs-
BALLING AND BARKING Two chihuahuas were sent home for inappropriate humping.
Nets ask Deron Williams to shave nasty beard BY THE HEN HEN MAN COPY EDITOR
mess,” read a leaked email from a sender named “The_Truth34”, BROOKLYN, NJ-- Reports have adding that on several occasions surfaced that some Brooklyn he’s caught Williams’ curly Nets coaches and players took beard hair all over the ball while out frustration on Deron Wil- leading a fast break. “We are all liams’ beard after repeatedly professionals who are trying to asking the star to have his scruffy play basketball here. This is the beard shaved since the first NBA, not some beard pageant.” day he joined the organization. “This is unacceptable,” WilCalling it a “disgusting habit,” liams said as he gently stroked teammates and coaches have his crudely groomed beard, addurged the three-time all star nu- ing that he had gotten into fights merous times to have his facial with his teammates on the plane hair shaved long before the al- rides and practices because of tercation. “I cannot tolerate this the foul smell reeking from his
sweaty beard. “Words cannot express how disappointed I feel. This is a humiliation.” The Nets, however, denied the allegations. “We totally did not say anything concerning his beard,” they said in a press release. “It has nothing to do with personal bias. Although we never said we don’t hate his beard.” The point guard went on to acknowledge that while he understands why his teammates would, on a purely selfish and sanitary level, seek to ask him Continued on Page A7
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Mark Sanchez doubting his job security BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
FLORHAM PARK, NJ-- The New York Jets have been up to something unusual lately; letting go of top-dollar veterans to smartly create cap space. They recently cleared $17.75 million in cap space by releasing Santonio Holmes and Antonio Cromartie, and are now one of the most cap-friendly teams in the league. The more cap space NFL teams have, the more free agents they can sign to bolster their roster and address weaknesses. The recent financial decisions have quizzically flustered Mark Sanchez a little. In an interview with the Medium, Sanchez put it out there that owner Woody Johnson and GM John Idzik are “up to something fishy.” “I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but I have a bad feeling about this whole thing,” Sanchez told The Medium. “I mean, call me crazy, but I think those bastards might be looking to cut me from the team. I know, I know, you’re thinking: “Mark, are you out of your fucking mind? You’re a great quarterback, and you’re great looking, and you led the Jets to two AFC championships! You’re the man! They wouldn’t cut you for a measly 8 to 10 million dollars in cap space!” And you’re right about all that. But I don’t know man, I just feel like something's up.” Owner Woody Johnson and GM John Idzik were unavailable for comments, as they are on a business trip to every quarterback needy team in the league, apparently attempting to convince those teams front offices that Sanchez is “totally worth a few draft picks, but [they’ll] give him up free of charge. No? Wait, PLEASE take him. Don’t hang up that pho-!”
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