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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
50¢
March 6th, 2013
Volume XLV Issue XVI
Did I Do That?
Stack of Mediums Sitting in Landfill Wondering What it Did Wrong BY SUM DUM JOO and Lil Bit E.I.C. and Managing Editor
MIDDLESEX COUNTY-- While a junkyard is always a depressing sight, this past Wednesday it became a little more sad. A stack of newsprint, inked to be used as copies of the February 27th issue of ‘The Medium,’ the weekly humor magazine of Rutgers University was found in a state of distress over being disposed of before it could be distributed. “I don’t get it,” said the stack of fifty newspapers, still bound in its plastic binding wrap. “I was just sitting in the Rutgers Student Center, ready for someone to take one of my issues, and the next thing I know, I was unceremoniously thrown out in the trash.” The stack of papers, which had been printed the night before at a print shop in Wall Township, New Jersey, had been delivered to the Student Center under the guise that it would be picked up by students to read, so they could receive their weekly dose of humorous content. It instead
Guy Who Walks Around College Avenue With a Mini-Husky KneeDeep in Pussy Medium's Arts Editor doesn't know or care about what happened last week
“I don't give a fuck what happened, no one e-mails me anything anyway."
Freshman Nostalgic for last third of 1990s Sad Stack
All those photos of Michelle Obama's tits will now go to waste
was removed by unknown persons and tossed into a nearby trash bin. The trash, including the stack of Mediums, was then moved to a landfill just a few miles away from University property. “Oh brother, was it me?! I told myself I wouldn’t mess up
again, I wouldn’t make anybody mad, and now look at where I’ve gotten us. Stupid, stupid Medium!” The stack cried out, striking itself repeatedly with its tiny paper hand. “We often have stacks of Mediums that are excited to Continued on Page 2
Tea for Type 2
Family Holds Intervention for Man Addicted to Diabetes BY Randy Butternubs STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK-- The young people of today are typically thought as the primary target of illegal recreation drugs. Although it seems a new drug craze has begun ruining the lives of not teenagers, but overweight middle-aged men. Medically defined as diabetes, this new drug is popularly taken either intravenously or orally and is known to cause severe physical and psychological dependence. This was the case for local husband and father Gary Liponits, who has been struggling with this addiction for the past 10 years. His family could only watch for so long as he injected needle after needle, swallowed
quickies
“Remember POGS and scrunchies?? Me either because I was born in 1995...sounds sweet though!" said freshman Yana Tillinger.
Christian Bale Has Whole Congregation Sneezing What else cud possibly go wrong?
Randy Moss Has Whole Forest Feeling Frisky He's a fungi when the mood strikes and he has a thing for big trunks.
Indie Song Lyrics Speak to Man; Tell Him 'Get a Job' Tear Sheds Tear Over Fallen Brethren sugar high
Family members brought Twinkies as a show of support.
pill after pill, to satisfy his un- ponits expressed her anguish natural cravings. Amanda Li- on the matter. “I’m so worried ponits, his wife, finally reached about him. He keeps saying that a breaking point. In an interview Continued on Page 2 with Medium reports, Mrs. Li-
NECESSARY NAPS ESTABLISHED 1970
Want to be a fungi like us?? Come to our meeting at 7:30 tonight in the cap & Skull room on the 4th floor of the rsc. We need staff writers and things like that.
the Medium
News
Wednesday, March 6th, 2013
“No worries, I'll just bottle my rage and unleash it on my kids 20 years later..."
Cryin' Seacrest
news in pictures
Former American Idol Hope- Dennis Rodman Seduces Kim ful Unleashes Anger on Family Jong Un in Exchange for Over “Happy Birthday” Song Nuclear Secrets BY Dunkin Donuts Manager Contributing Writer
EAST BRUNSWICK-- Rutgers sophomore, Jeff Lentini, returned home from Los Angeles in a bitter mood this past week after being sent home by American Idol judges just a day before his 20th birthday. Lentini reportedly screamed violently at his parents and broke his kitchen window with a vase after his family sang “happy birthday” to him the night of his arrival. “We did what we always do: buy him his favorite cookies and cream ice cream cake, take pictures, light the candles and sing,” said Joe Lentini, Jeff’s father. According to his family, Jeff stood up during the middle of their singing with a distressed look on his face and started mumbling to himself, shaking his head. “We were scared he was choking or maybe having some kind of a panic attack but he just lashed out and called us ‘pathetic’ and said we’ll never amount to nothing more than a bunch of dive bar performers,” said Mr. Lentini. According to several insiders post-traumatic idol syndrome (PTIS) has been a growing phenomenon for close to a decade. Experts say that PTIS patients exhibit irrationally unstable beDIABEETUS he’s going to ‘get it under control’ but he only comes home with more drugs.” Amanda had taken drastic measures even before she held an intervention for her diabetes-addicted husband. “After a while, I started hiding his needles and pill. What else could I have done?” Angrily, Mr. Liponits shouted, “Drugs? That’s insulin. Diabetes is a disease, not a drug! I need those injections to live, were you this stupid when I married you?” Dr. Wes Supnick, an addiction expert from Robert Wood
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
JEFF LENTINI, SEEN HERE SCREAMING AT HIS FAMILY, WAS OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THE CAKE WAS MADE OUT OF FUCKING COCONUT
havior when exposed to anything less than quality singing and place an unhealthy amount of pressure on themselves to sing at an exceptionally higher dribblin' on them balls standard than most Americans. Strutting his stuff on and off the court, Rodman became uncomfortable According to researcher Dr. when Un allegedly asked to see his "Magic Johnson". Chaz Cronert, most patients would have demanded their parents re-sing the song until absolutely satisfied with their performance. “The fact that (Jeff) did not use any phrases such as ‘bad song choice’ or ‘pitchy’ are good signs that he was not exposed to Idol long enough to fully develop PTIS but (his parents) should be careful regardless,” said Dr. Cronert. Mr. Lentini said that since the incident, "he's been laying on the couch eating Cheetos watch- Man Up ...continued from front ing reruns of Taylor Hicks." be shipped out to New Bruns- it was dumped into one of the wick,” said Tim Walton, the many University trash bins. “Or ...continued from front press operator at RFM Printing what about features…someone Johnson Hospital explains that and Design, where The Medium wrote erotica about Samuel L. Mr.Liponits displays textbook is printed. “Other stacks will Jackson and Michael Cera last dependency and even halluci- call us back saying things like semester for Christ’s sake!” “I guess it could have been the nations from his diabetes abuse. ‘people loved me,’ and ‘part of Diabetes addicts can be identi- me got clipped off and got hung fart joke on the back page last fied by the pricks on their finger- on someone’s dorm room door,’ week. Bathroom humor still oftips, caused by the devices used so it is always disheartening to fends some people, you know,” to monitor the diabetes in their hear that some don’t have such a reasoned one issue from the deblood and measure their high. great experience on the day they caying landfill that marked his final resting place. “Even so, Insulin is one of many street are shipped out.” “Couldn’t it, feasibly, have you’d think most people would names for diabetes. Others include, Sugar Smacks, Prick-and- been the Personals section? recognize a joke when they see Stick, Typing-2, and Big-D. This They’re so crass all the time. one,” he added. The stack then began to weep reporter has only one message It’s kind of a ticking time bomb. Maybe people are still steamed uncontrollably, causing its thin to our readers on this pressing issue: Remember, don’t inculin, about that,” continued the stack, newspaper contents to disintewhich had been spit upon after grate into oblivion. insul-out!
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
COME TO THE CAP AND SKULL ROOM, WED @ 7:30PM! GET YOU'RE FREE, ONE OF A KIND COMPLIMENTARY SKULL! YORICK BE PRAISED!
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youseff Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editor Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to recycling. Thanks for doing your part, even if it was a stack of precious Medium issues.
Features
Wednesday, March 6h, 2013
the Medium
“So where’s your cotton gin?”
Classified Top 5 Careers the Deans Don’t Want You to Know About By: Vivykant Sagar
3. Comedic Approval Engineer, Two and a Half Men
I have stumbled upon five excellent career choices that don’t require a college degree. These jobs aren’t just for college dropouts; they’re great paying and the kind of stuff that academics don’t want you, the student, to know about.
Not every joke Ashton Kutcher makes is funny. But yet why do you still hear laughter in the background when he speaks? Thanks to a team of comedic approval engineers that voice-over their laughter, CBS is able to keep their worst show on the air even after the downfall of Charlie Sheen. Avg. Salary: $60K (includes free medical marijuana prescription to enhance performance abilities)
1. Direction & Transportation Hint Distributor, The Amazing Race Ever wonder how much money those men and women get paid that hand out clues on CBS’s hit reality gameshow, The Amazing Race? You know, the guys wearing kilts, tiki shorts, and other cultural apparel? Well, you’d be shocked to hear that it’s more than a satisfactory living. Avg. Salary: $40K (includes U.S. citizenship and some benefits) 2. Underground Russian Roulette Referee Just as relatively unrecognized of a sport as Russian Roulette is, so is the profession of URR Referee. It’s hard to believe anyone can find a job like this today in the states, but if you find yourself in the wrong place at the right time, then you may just get lucky. Avg. Salary: $55K (includes CPR- training, trauma tolerance courses, and life insurance benefits)
4. New York Islanders Fan There is only one NHL team that provides their fans with a salary. Sadly, there’s only room in the Tri-State area for one, I mean two teams. Three is not a company in the New York metropolitan area. But some good news for unemployed individuals is that the Islanders are always hiring. Avg. Salary: $75K (includes team jersey and educational videos on Islander team history) 5. Education Charity CEO Here’s a great way you can raise money for other struggling students that will one day have to pay back their loans like myself. You can start an educational charity and earn a six-figure salary! Or if you really find your way to stardom in this field you can be like Ralph Mulle of UPENN who earns approximately $2M per year. Sounds like a sweet deal to me. Just make sure you get enough donations to pay for that Benz, I mean, those student loans. Avg. Salary: $177.5k
Horoscopes By: Broseph Stalin Lost Features Guy
Aries: Punch the next dude that bumps into you IN THE FACE. Taurus: You’re gonna find yourself swamped in work. Put it off for later. You’ve got a bunch of time. Gemini : Don’t get down about not getting invited to that party; you can always throw your own, then burn the other party down. Cancer: Go rob a bank today. Leo: You should go get really drunk today. I know it’s Wednesday, but fuck that. Virgo: Cut a bitch. Libra: Hide a knife in your cheek, you’re going to need it today cause someone’s gonna try to stab you. Scorpio: Hunt down your worst enemy and tell them you love them. Sagittarius : Hijack a train and ride it all the way down the line. Stop for no one. Capricorn: Hug people that you don’t know. Hug them for a while. Aquarius : Budget cuts prevent me from giving you advice. Pisces : Go help Cancer rob a bank
Numbers With the medium
12
Trees murdered in the name of justice.
300,000
Number of bedbugs in your pillow.
80%
Of students are in a constant state of resentment.
You know This isn’t a number.
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, March 6th 2013
“I’m baking up trouble.”
featured commentary
You Would Have To Be Half Retarded Not To Realize That The Second Amendment Was Written Over 200 Years Ago
BY FORMER U.S. PRESIDENT GEORGE WASHINGTON I’m going to lay this experienced a raid of InBack in my day, you on you nice and easy dians on your homestead know, when the 2nd because clearly none of out in the Pennsylvania Amendment was writyou understand a little wilderness? Oh right, of ten, “weapons of mass word called CONTEXT. course you haven’t. And destruction” would conLet me tell you a little no, brown people com- jure images of a pistol story about what the ing to steal the jobs that that you could reasonworld was like in 1789 you don’t actually want ably load in less than ten when we first wrote all do not count. You’re seconds, not an assault this crap down. I was afraid of the tyranny of rifle which can shoot ten the fucking SUPREME an oppressive govern- rounds in a single fuckCOMMANDER OF THE ment, you say? God, I ing second. The fact that CONTINENTAL ARMY wish I could butt-sock this is lost among you for God’s sake, and the every last dumbass who ruffians in the future has deadliest weapon I could says that. Look, that me questioning the validget my hands on was whole American Revo- ity of the idea of self-gova fresh musket. It was lution thing? We were ernment. such a piece of shit that just tired of paying taxes Think of it this way: I actually trusted my fel- to Britain and wanted to if you assholes REALLY low [white] men to own steal more land from the cared about living in one. To me “responsible Indians than they would 2013 like we did in 1789, gun owner” meant “This let us. All that talk of half of you dumbasses gun is such a pain in the tyranny and “life, liberty wouldn’t even have the fucking ass to shoot that and the pursuit of hap- right to vote - not that you’ll just do the respon- piness” is all bullshit. you do anyways, you insible thing and let it rust,” We were a bunch of rich competent morons. Acnot “I’m going to protect white dudes who wanted tually, fuck it. You are my shitty little trailer to keep more of our own all unworthy of this Refrom Mozlemz and scary money - that’s probably public we fought for and black people” - although the only thing you idiots have gifted to you. Please wait, I can understand have in common with us keep shooting yourselves that last one. and you’re too stupid to and I’ll stop rolling over Have any of you ever even realize it. in my grave over it.
Point/counterpoint
I’m Going To Sit Somewhere New Today BY BRANDY TILDETS
Wow, I actually got to class early for once. Now I don’t have to sit next to that creepy senior who constantly stares at me. I can actually pick where I want to sit. There are so many choices. I think I’m gonna choose this lefty seat even though I’m not a lefty. I just use my laptop so it doesn’t even bother me one bit. I hope I didn’t take anyone’s seat by accident. This angle is great. I think I’m going to start coming to class on time from now on just so I can keep sitting in this specific seat. The lecture hall just seems so much more engaging and exciting. I never knew that switching seats could have this much impact on my education. I am so glad I skipped getting that coffee today.
Who the Hell Is Sitting In My Seat? BY SEAN WESTER
I walk into class and some bimbo is sitting in my seat. Yes, MY SEAT. I have been sitting in that seat for over three months and now all of a sudden she decides to sit there. The worst part is that she’s not even a lefty. I actually need that seat to write properly. I refuse to sit in a regular righty seat. This is literally the worst day of my life. I was thinking that today was going to be a good day but NO, my seat had to be taken by this seat whore. This is tradition. On the first day of class of every semester, everyone is supposed to determine where they will sit for the rest of the semester. She has broken this sacred ritual and she will pay dearly for her grave mistake.
TOILET TALK
I’m Too Embarrassed To Take This Dump
BY MICHAEL CULLING I have been sitting here on this toilet in the Rutgers Student Center bathroom for over a half hour now and I can’t get myself to drop this deuce. There are too many people in this bathroom. How am I suppose to concentrate when there is so much chit-chat going on? I just want to poop in peace but there hasn’t been a moment of silence for even a second. Oh man, my stomach is killing me. I seriously feel like I’m gonna shit a baby or something. Even though I shouldn’t be, I am just too self-conscious to take this dump. I don’t want others to hear my fecal matter fall into the toilet water as it splashes up against my ass-cheeks. Also I’m not trying to stink the place up. I’m starting to crown. I must not let it go. Think of happy thoughts, think of happy thoughts. Alright,
looks like I’ve been able to suppress it for now. Damn, I knew I should have taken it easy on that prune juice and Fiber One bars. They seriously need to have warning labels on those things. I guess this is what being in Hell feels like. A crappy, smelly Hell. Oh my god, the last guy finally left. Now is my chance to let it fly. Here I go...Oh SHIT! (No pun intended). Some motherfucker just walked through the door. You have got to be kidding me. My bowels can’t take this abuse anymore. If I don’t make it out alive, can someone please let my family, my girlfriend, and my dog, Skippy, know that I love them all very much. On the other hand, if I do leave this bathroom in one piece, my ass is going to have to undergo some serious physical therapy.
university voices
What do you think about the sequester which recently came into effect? “I don’t care as long as the government don’t try to take my gun.” Luke Strongster, Random Southern Resident “What’s a sequester? Is that Latin for something? Because I only speak English.” Joanne Guard, Sheltered SAS First Year Student
“Let those liberal pansies squirm as their precious government breaks down.” Dan Whiteman, Conservative Asshole Senior
Wednesday, March 6h, 2013
Arts
“I finally get an email for arts and it’s not art. Just complaints.”
the Medium
MAKING FRIENDS
PILLOW PET PILLOWS
HOW TO MAKE ANIMALS OUT OF DOUGH
HEY! A SUBMISSION!
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE. HOW ABOUT YOU SEND SOME ART OVER HERE? RIGHT HERE. ONTO THIS PAGE.
themedium.arts@gmail.com
I’LL BE WAITING.
the Medium
Personals
“You’re my friends now. We’re going to have soft tacos later.”
BUS LIFE
HEY ASSHOLES
COURTESY
To the girl who took my seat on the bus while I was letting the dude sitting next to me get off. What the fuck bitch you see me standing right across from it and I wasn’t moving and you think that its okay to jump in there and take my spot. Now I gotta stand all the way back to Douglass during rush hour you fucking bitch.
To the crazy bitch kicking that poor fucker’s electric shaver looking car(all modern cars look the same sue me), I know he probably deserves it, but by kicking his car like that, you’re not only disturbing the peace with his annoying fucking car alarm, but you’re also reinforcing his very accurate perception of you as a crazy fucking bitch. I don’t care how fucked up you are, you don’t fuck with a man’s vehicle like that. PS, when you saw me looking at you through my window, your running was pointless because I was literally just watching that shit ages before you took privy to me. If a nigga’s looking to press charges, its a little bitch with a blue suit shirt and black pants. The bitch has dreads or really stringy hair. Good luck to you sir, and may you keep that pimp hand strong when you smack the shit out of that sob. PSS, all the apartments have security cameras and you were kicking the car sitting right next to one of them, so either way you’re fucked. PSSS, I know the cure to your crazy. Its my dick.
Dear girl in my hall, while you enjoy yourself with your male friend, please be considerate for the rest of us. The walls are paper thin, and everyone in the hallway can hear you. Also I feel bad for your next door neighbors especially. They tell me how you even woke them up twice in one night. If I was in that room, I’d probably punch through the wall and start duct taping your loud ass mouth. How is it that outside of the room you don’t even say one word to anyone, yet you can wake up the entire building. Just please be quiet next time, this weekend was the worst.
(You forgot the one golden rule to claiming a seat on a bus. You have to rub your scrotum all over it or else it isn’t yours. C’mon man, didn’t you learn that in US history? )
Wednesday, March 6th 2013
to the smelly spanish kid carrying a sign on the lx Monday morning, did you need the seat next to you all for your disgusting backpack or were you just purposely occupying two as a courtesy so that no one else would have to inhale your stench? you looked like you just came from the gym, but I don’t actually give a fuck. if you’re too tired to hold your bag on your lap an let others sit, then maybe you need to train harder and bench more than the bar. also, consider running through the fountain on livi to cure you of that smell before getting (PSSSS, the secret to your on the bus next time cure is syphillis.) (Trust me, the last thing that fountain would cure is Shout out to my shithead a strong stench. It is on Livi roommate for smoking all of the kief in my grindafter all.) er. It’s not like I was savSo I was waiting for a bus ing it for when I wanted to busch and I saw the H. to smoke it or anything. Took one whiff and said Then in your stoned stu“fuck that shit” true story por you tried to tell my (I think I’ve finally figured your friend spilled on the out what the H stands for: floor. Well guess what asshole. There’s noth“Hitlers Mustard Gas.”) ing on the floor and your To the two meatheads on eyes are redder than the the weekend 2, talking devils dick. Dipshit. about your dicks only makes me more certain (The jig is up! Turns out that your roommate is our that you’re gay. supplier. We can’t help it, we have to get higher than THIS GUY AGAIN? the stars to write this paI saw the guy on college per.) ave with the mini husky! It was so cute! And yes, to the kid in my seminar he was surrounded by who just bragged about “just visiting all of them girls praising his dog. just to visit” (and hap(This is the third week I’ve pened to be talking about gotten a personal about this ivy league grad schools) guy. This is history in the FUCK. YOU....and your making my friends, so move beanie over Cape Girl, Mini-Hus(The beanie is a sure sign of ky Guy is taking over Ruta sad, underachieving, hipgers. PS That dogs makes ster douchebag.) him hawt!)
(I heard her all the way from the other side of Rutgers. I’ve never felt so simultaneously annoyed and aroused in my whole life.) To the DCC cafe you fucks are the most disorganized and lazy workers at rutgers. People can’t get to the cashier to pay in your beyond crowded spacing and your cooks nonchalantly make half assed sandwich that all of us have been waiting over 30 minutes for. Get your shit together
MEET CATBUG Do you know how much time I spend coming up with the Bad Joke of the Week? About two minutes. I just look it up. But no one sent in the punchline to the joke “Why were all the strawberries upset?” The line was, “Because they’re in a jam!” This week’s joke is “Did you hear about the fire at the circus?” Send in your guesses for the punchline and personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com.
SPRING BREAK
CALL OUT
to my belly, why you no get skinny? i go the gym everyday and starve myself but there is no change... spring break is right around the corner my friend.
To the tubby Asian bastard in my chem class, every time I raised my hand for a question you started giggling like a pretentious little fuck. It’s chemistry dude it’s supposed to be hard, but I guess you already understand it and think that gives you some Buddha given right to look down on someone with a life. Instead of studying chem all the time maybe you should find where the closet treadmill is you fat piece of shit
(If you come to our meeting today, I’ll tell let you in on a little secret I have for losing fat. SPOILER ALERT it’s tapeworms.) To all my professors, you cockgoblers are hell bent on giving me as many midterms as physically possible aren’t you. Day after day, i’m studying for your fucking exams, that cover fucking everything, that come fucking one right after a-fucking-nother until fucking spring break. FUCK.
(They are getting their shit together... and taking (I wish I could sympathize that shit and making your with you, but what would I know? I don’t even go here.) cheeseburger out of it.) Hey girl that sat next to me on the bus and kept smiling at me what not, thanks for the confidence booster. Sorry though for being too shy to say anything. Next time I’ll try to say hi or something. Sorry I suck. (Yeah, you do suck.) You know what I love? People high off their rocker who watch crappy youtube videos at 3am and keep me up the night before an exam. Fuck you guys. (Let’s not talk about Youtube videos for a while. I’m still getting over that fucking terrible Harlem Shake meme. Seriously, that stoped being funny in like a day.) To the bitch that guilt tripped me into giving up my seat. I farted in it.
Thanks Rutgers for putting spring break on a week when none of my other hometown friends are back. I’m REALLY going to enjoy watching re-runs of Law and Order while eating ice cream out of the carton wearing nothing but my underwear.
(Dude, I don’t think he can help it. He’s not laughing at you, he’s having a stroke. The MSG is clogging his brain.) To the Pope, why are you a bitch. Really!? Just die in the Papacy. Every one else does it like that. Also... btws, you really disenchanted 90% of the Catholic population by being a radical traditionalist. John Paul II worked so hard to make the public opinionin the favor of the Catholic Church, you ruined it all. You were also a Nazi Youth. Remeber Hitler!? He sucked.
(I guess he served up some (Wow really!? I like to do all cold Eggs Benedict! LOLOof those things too! Do you LOLOLOLOLOL.) need a friend? I’ll be your To Mac Computers friend. Can we be friends?) touchpads, why the fuck To my idiot parents, do you scroll the oppothanks for ruining my site way then every other spring break again this normal computer in the year. I was all set to go to entire world. Also why jamaica with my friend is Steve Jobs dead? Worst but you want me to go decison ever to fucking alaska. man i (Things were so much betfucking hate canada. ter with the Woz.) (First off, I suppose geography wasn’t your strongest To the cock-juggling subject. Second, OH NO! thunder cunt who was An all-expenses-paid vaca- living the other day. stop. tion! Your parents must be ( T H U N D E R C U N T S ! monsters.) HOOOOOOOOOOO!)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 6th 2013
the Medium
“Straight Cash Homie”
NBA Résumé, Ballin’s My Occupation From your Right Page Editor Dr. Tossed Salad, Another amazing week of sending in personals! Keep it up! I have to say that I’ve had a good week. I cheated on my wife three times and she doesn’t suspect anything! Like, bitch you think I’m at work, I’m a doctor, I leave whenever the fuck I want, and when I do, I’m not coming home, shit I’m goin out. Pimps always gonna pimp. Anyway send me personals. Send them to themedium.personals@gmail.com And then you can come to our meetings in the Rutgers Student Center from 7:30pm to 8:30pm Wednesday nights in the Cap and Skull Room (4th Floor).
YEAH... How's all that butthurt over The Medium's article last week? You are all such fucking hypocrites it boggles the mind. I'm sure you ALL have made comments about the... nature...of said group before and now your fake, stupid asses are rallying around a group of people that you couldn't have given less of a shit about a week ago. NO ONE believe that you're sincere in your sudden caring about the group you all shit-talk when no one is around to hear it. This is the Kony 2012 of Rutgers. And seriously, have none of you ever heard of The Medium? They've said MUCH worse things about y'all and other groups than this. You're all a bunch of pathetic sheep with your panties in a twist who can't take a joke. Go choke on a bag of dicks.
COMPUTER LABS
SHAVE IT UP
FIT FOR A KING
To the people in ENR that take it upon themselves to print novels on the one printer. I know we use wax, not ink for our printer now but your killing more trees than a Brazilian lumber company. Go to a computer lab where there's more than one printer and people don't have to twiddle their thumbs to wait for your ass.
To the weird shaggy brown haired kid at queens the other night - shave your face, dude. you were with a bunch of hott ass girls and you looked like a slob. also, learn how to dance. you had some blonde bitch whipping her hair and dropping low next to you and you just stood there. get it together. what was this, your first time at the bar? come one dude.
So I recently got the King’s Dinner from the Knight Wagon, and it was LITERALLY the most epic moment of my life. It was so meaty and big, and definitely newsworthy! You should totally write an article about my giant turkey leg from the Knight Wagon!!!!
(Hey! Don’t knock Brazil. They happen to be the place with the finest ass in the world thank you very much.)
To the medium, thanks to you guys people actually wanted to read our paper! I guess all that stuff that happened last week made the targum sound interesting for once.
To the guy playing Second Life in the computer lab: that game is for faggots and lonely, undersexed 50 year olds. Therefore, because you don't look 50, you're a faggot.
(That and The Targum writers are all really hot. Like mad fine, sooo delicious, like really you have no idea that The Targum writers are so fucking hot.)
(And because you know what this game is, and you’re writing a personal about it, you must be one undersexed person. Sorry ma dude.)
you people are all hypocrites. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that beauty is the final deciding factor for who gets into your prized groups. Then all of a sudden some people poke fun at your people and you throw a hissy fit? Back the fuck off and stop pretending to defending them. We all know you're full of shit with your skin-deep sympathy. I hope you all suffocate from your own (I know, I know, everyone’s cruel-hearted stench. upset that I made fun of C. Vivian Stringer and the (Duh! Beauty is the only women’s basketball team thing that matters. You for taking forever to win know you only go after the her 900th game...I’m sorry, finest pieces of ass...you I was just trying to be fun- know... the ones in your ny.) league. Leave the hotties to the pros.) A candle lit vigil? who died? oh thats right this best article I ever read is the pussification of from the medium. I was america at its finest. great losing faith in this newsarticle last week. keep up paper but it has been rethe good work newed. thanks for making me laugh. (Pussification of America? That sounds like the fucking (Losing faith? Did you not dream right there! Maybe I see Michelle Obama’s tits could finally get some.) last week, or the Game of Boners on the backpage two Fuck you and your apology. weeks ago? You gotta read You guys have like, no idea, this shit every week because how like, it's like, a ton of you’re missing out man.) responsibility and stuff.
ASK STUFF I need to ask why the fuck does everyone love Pulp Fiction so much? Can you explain it to me all-knowing personal editors? (Yes I can. The non-stop laughing with great action, a very kinky sex slave, and John Travolta constantly taking a shit. It’s magical.)
DAMN GIRL To the hottie walking down college ave the other day, I followed you all the way to Scott Hall in your tight jeans. You gave me a boner, and for that... we thank you. To the girl walking ahead of me on college ave, girl you might have had the smallest ass I’ve seen in a long time, but damn I could not take my eyes off of it. It just had this shape that made my mind incapable of thinking of nothing else for the next twenty minutes. (Well I have to say, I am completely jealous of both of you, as I went boner-less for most of the day.)
(Yeah dude come on, rule is to shave your face before you go and shave your balls. If your face is a mess then what are your balls like? If you’re out with a bunch of yummy yummys you gotta be lookin’ good, and having a fucked up face with a hairy scrotum equals no pussy for you sir.)
(Well we’re not going to make it a news story today, but I grabbed this shit the first chance I got because I think it’s pretty fucking amazing... well, not really , but whatever, enjoy this timeline of the delectable feast.) Just got a giant turkey leg from the Knight Wagon! Feeling pretty kingly now.
(No way! Oh man here we Why is it that everytime go startin’ off good.) I shave, the next morning it is cold as hell out- People are staring at my side. Next thing I know turkey leg and 3 different my face is bright red and people asked me where I I look like a bitch who got it. I AM THE KING! can’t handle the cold. (Okay let’s not get cocky (Better grow the fuck up now, we get it, you’re the fast big boy (or should i king.) say freshman) and grow a beard, cause this cold isn’t The King’s Dinner from ending anytime soon.) the knight wagon. literally the greatest thing i’ve eaten in my life. also, it’s SHIT HAPPENS bigger than my face Literally, every time I need to shit in the Busch (Should I really keep redining hall bathroom, sponding to these...?) there is an employee shitting as well. It’s bad Update on the Turkey enough that I will even- Leg: There’s literally so tually have to smell my much meat on it that I own stanky ass brown couldn’t finish it. I had to by-product, but I have go to College Ave from smell my poo times two Douglass, drop it off in (rhyming was intention- my fridge, then head off al). Maybe there’s some- to Livi for class. Today is thing they’re not telling an epic day indeed. us on Busch? Laxatives anyone? (Damn you’re still eating. I wish there were timestamps (Try taking a shit in on these, would help so the RSC. Every fucking much.) Wednesday I have to wait for these fucks to clear out True story indeed! I took so that I can drop a deuce in a picture and included it peace. They all suck.) in this email so you can appreciate its kingliness. You know what the best part about being the only one in a lecture hall is? Being able to fart as loud as you want. (You know what the best part of being in the production room alone is? Jerkin’ it (Turkey Leg in all its glory.) whenever I want.)
The Back Page
Wednesday March 6th, 2013
“I have yet to do this page sober.”
Film: Adjusted
Brush Rory Mcilroy’s Teeth
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 7:30 PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 I won’t be there, so why should you be there? March 21st at 7:30 PM Mixer @ Alpha Sigma Sigma Let’s crash this shit. At Your Convenience Give Blumpkin a Blumpkin @ 11 Union: ask for Blumpkin Why do you think we call him Blumpkin? All The Time Party in Jon Kijne’s pants @ 167 Hamilton He’s still so alone.
Spotted!
Learn To Draw BY KCIG
“The berry patch has a new law force”
Brain Teasers BY ELI WHITNEY
1. Garret has 30 lemons to sell at the market. Since it is summer, demand for lemons are high, but due to a bad growing season, he does not have enough lemons to meet demands. Garret wants to figure out what the optimal price to sell his lemons at is. Why do you keep biting your nails? Are you hiding something? Are you cheating on me? 2. You are reacting 3-phenyl-2-methoxybenzaldehyde in a friedal-craft reaction at 300 degrees K. You are trying to get ortho directing substituant but you realize this entire problem is complete rubbish. How do you attest to the murder of Jamie Rosenthal that occurred in your house on the night of the 14th?
Krupa’s Corner
Caramel Macchiato Wednesday Do you wake up on Wednesday and not feel like you should wear pink? Do you have the urge to go to Taco Bell and shout “BOO, YOU WHORE!” at innocent bystanders? Well here’s a solution! You too can celebrate hump day like me with CARAMEL MACCHIATO WEDNESDAY. Last week, I woke up after 3 hours of sleep. I hauled my ass to pick up a million stacks of The Medium and delivered them to the dining hall, the student center and the classroom buildings. I went to class, and then came back to find that all of the Mediums had MAGICALLY disappeared. WHAT THE FUCK? WHO STOLE MY MEDIUMS?!?!?! Does anyone care that I have a dislocated rib? THOSE STACKS ARE HEAVY AND I AM A NINNY. After this incident, I took a deep breath and realized that I needed a drink. Thus, Caramel Macchiato Wednesday was born. Thank you ABP for keeping my mind from brewing by brewing this delicious drink. I hope that caramel macchiato Wednesday becomes a national holiday so that everyone can be as fucking happy as I am. Even with a dislocated bone in their body.