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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
March 7TH, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XIX
BAKA AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT
MUSLIM STUDENT GROUP SEES DECLINE IN MEMBERSHIP
'What happened to all those muscular guys in the back that took notes?' BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
BUSCH—Students in various groups on campus that embraced and supported Muslim heritage on campus have been actively recruiting new members in light of a very recent and apparently random loss of members. “It's really weird,” said Sayed Khan, president of the organization. “We used to have this great turnout, but a couple of weeks ago a good portion of our members just stopped showing up.” Khan, who has served as president for the past two semesters, recalls the former spike in membership to have been a unique one. “A few months ago, we got a bunch of guys who came in and they were very eager to learn
FASHION A-WEARNESS
PAYING ATTENTION TO SENSITIVE ISSUES The sign-up sheet from this event disappeared for some reason.
everything about the organization,” said Khan, a SAS Junior majoring in Mathematics. “They seemed really cool. They were physically fit, wore sunglasses all the time and had these cool two-way radios that they were
"Le Confusión" a pervasive theme PARIS—Paris Fashion week 2012 saw a heavy influence from Mother Nature, as top designers revealed styles for the upcoming spring season that reflect the dramatic daily changes in weather patterns most US citizens have been coping with over the past winter. Recent temperature fluctuations have not only baffled the meteorological community, but the fashion industry as well, and studios such as Christian Dior and Valentino have quickly produced fashion lines that prepare the wearer for the whims of nature. A clear show stealer was Alber Elbaz “el calentamiento glob-
QUICKIES
Pay your motherfucking rent See, you held out and now we’ve got the whole university in on this. You think people won't know who I’m addressing? They’ll know. They’ll see you walking to class with that “I wonder if people know I’m the person from that Medium news quickie” look on your face and they’ll know.
Dad's offer for an internship at his successful firm so totally lame
hiding in their pants pockets.” Students who met the new members said they were very “If he seriously thinks I want to cordial and helpful. “I needed to give some end up like him,” said sophohomework assignments to a more Liz Hansen, “Living comfortably with a stable benefits Continued on Page 2 package, pulleeeeze. He’s way more delusional than I gave him credit for.”
Unpredictable weather reflected in this year's spring fashion trends BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
50¢
Doin' it like they do on the Discovery Channel actually in violation of registered trademarks
al” line, in which he dressed a model in a gold lame sun reflectant feather down raincoat with hot pants and fur-lined rubber sandals. “Good fashion should present an opportunity for the wearer to display their confidence,” said Danish designer Jon Gallian. “Mysterious weather prevents that, and so we have introduced a line of fashions which ensure that no matter what weather you may experience, at least a few parts of your body will be ready for it.” Fashion forward college women are expected to quickly take note of this latest fashion trend by pairing extraordinarily Fashion critics find the new approach to tight shorts with oversized Ugg weather preparedness a brilliant reason "I’ll die if I push myself too hard, boots. to wear whatever the hell you pull out of so I won’t!"
Constipated old guy doesn't give a shit anymore
your closet
This will only feel good for a second... ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
“You love Mark Ruffalo? That is the worst statement that has ever come out of anyone's mouth”
LIBERAL JOKES
Activist group forms to prevent extinction of Lefties from classroom BY EASY BAKER OVER STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—A recent study taken at the University shows that the class attendance rate for lefties is a lot lower than that of righties. Many lefties (the few that exist) are choosing not go to class due to the fact that many of the “lefty” seats at the end of each row are taken by righties. “At first I thought maybe I could deal with sitting at a righty seat, but it’s killing me,” said local lefty Tim Burgendy, “When I have to sit at a righty, I have to move my body so much to the right that I’m basically humping the person next to me.” Many people in the lefty community are outraged by this lack of respect so they formed L.A.D., Lefties Against Discrimination, in order to combat these everyday problems. “Currently we are working on getting lefty designated seats in all lecture halls so that peo-
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
RIP CENTURION
Rutgers Review increases pretension quota by 26% BY DAN 'OMAN' CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
NEED A HAND? The fossilized remains of a left handed student were found a short distance from the fossilized remains of a pair of barely-used left handed scissors
ple like me don’t have to worry about what seat they are going to take when going to class,” mentioned L.A.D. President Larry McGraw, “Those righty bastards won’t be hurting us anymore.” L.A.D. is prepared to use drastic measures to get their message across and for change
to occur within the university. “We actually have saws in the back of our van just in case we want to take desperate action and cut off the right arms of righties so they know how it feels to be in our situation,” continued Larry, “They won’t be all right anymore.”
HIPSTERLAND—The Rutgers Review, a literary and art magazine published by students, announced on Sunday that in early February it had already succeeded in bypassing its yearly requirement of self-centered affluence. The magazine, which normally reaches its quota of 'hip' (roughly equivalent to 12 gallons of micro-brewed India Pale Ale), in April, can now coast through the semester on a wave of cool. "I'd be excited about it, but that would make it too mainstream," said Mike Rothko, Rutgers Review Editor-in-Chief. "Right now, the way to celebrate is to go to the Ale and Wich and drink a whole pitcher of Woodchuck in complete silence. " This statement by Rothko increased the pretentiousness by another three percent. MEMBERSHIP
CONSERVATIVE JOKES
...continued from front
Student wastes valuable resources in huge, pathetic display
friend but I couldn’t access the internet, so one of the new guys gave me his flash drive to use,” said Yusra Modin, a chairperson on the Executive Board. “I went BY KCIG 2.8% of the world’s greenhouse ness, but was released without to give it back to him, but he said WEBMASTER gases. O’Neill also chose to pick arrest; thus diverting public tax I could keep it!” off and discard the vegetables payer money to process his poThe loss of membership COLLEGE AVE— Jeff O’Neill, a from his Fat Cat: despite being lice report and the paid time of has not only affected the group Rutgers School of Arts and Sci- aware that America loses an acre the officer, who could have been morale, but has also upset the ences junior, wasted a consid- of farmland every minute. stopping a real crime, such as a group's leaders who hoped erable amount of naturally ocDuring his night, O’Neill mugging or a stabbing. these new members could bring curring resources last Saturday was dared to chug three NatThe next morning, O’Neill the group into the 21st century. night in an incredibly pathetic ural Ice light beers from was unable to attend his job as "One of the guys brought display of personal failure and aluminum cans in the middle a cashier at Shop Rite, thereby his video camera and started mediocrity. of Easton Avenue. Aluminum, preventing others from providrecording the meetings," continO’Neill is reported by room- which is mined principally in ing for their own families and ued Khan. "He said he was gomates to have begun his night Australia and Brazil, is considfurthering the societal whole. ing to put them on YouTube!" taking shots of liquor, which ered possibly to be the most imconsists mainly of ethanol: a portant industrial metal. vastly important clean-burning BOOTY BOOTY Upon finishing the dare, fuel source and an industrial O’Neill threw the used cans in BOOTY BOOTY solvent, with wide applications a gutter before he vomited the to chemical synthesis. $7.00 worth of beer and $5.75 He then proceeded to buy fat sandwich: enough money ROCKIN' AT THE MEDIUM! a Fat Cat sandwich from the to feed an African child for two COME TO ROOM 120A BSC 8PM Grease Trucks. The farming pro- months. cess that produced the beef in O’Neill was then stopped AND MEET YOUR OWN MS. NEW BOOTY! O’Neill’s sandwich accounts for by police for public drunken-
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Hey Zulnut Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano Steve Troulis III
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Club Mascot House Music
Kenneth Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Cubby the Pug <3 wubwubwubwub
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Korean Student Association. Because now, only two people at The Medium know about what happened all those years ago and we forgive you.
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
the Medium
“Well, you can suck my cum while I’m ejaculating for guaranteed critical hits!”
HORRORSCOPES You will fall off of the face of a cliff, into a mine factory, and your body will explode into the nursery across the street.
You will fall into a wood chipper and be used to cover the ground of a playground.
You will be hit by an eighteen wheeler, and you will be spread like paint across the road.
You will fall into wet concrete and suffocate, but will make a wonderful sidewalk!
You will be tied to a lumber mill saw table feet first and slowly separated in two.
Your hang glider will go through a jet plane’s engine turbine, and you will be liquefied.
EXTREME ADVERTISING by: UNDERAGE B&
In a freak bowling accident, you will slide down the bowling lane and be crushed by the pin-setting machine.
While doing parkour, you will slip and stab your leg on an iron pole, and slowly bleed to death. Today will be a five star day for you! You will get waffles and bacon for breakfast, and all your dreams will come true!
Your building will catch fire, and you’ll jump out of the window into a river and get chopped up by the propellors of a motor boat. You will be caught in the crossfire of a gang war, and will die after taking twenty three bullets. You will witness eleven gruesome deaths, and then hang yourself.
FISHMAN
Student of the week Marlon “Hair Flip” Dunn
Age: 20 Major: Communications Minor: Yes. Cinema Studies Occupations: Working my ass off to get a film certificate because I’m a faggot. Performer at local Chippendale’s
HEY MAN, OR UH GIRL, OR WHATEVER YOU ARE. COME TO THE BCC TONIGHT FOR A MEETING OF MEDIUM PROPORTIONS. 8 PM AND IN ROOM 120A. DAT OR SUBMIT TO FEATURES BY EMAILING ME AT
MEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM CUTE
THE-
USING DIF-
LESS CUTE
This man is Marlon the Hair Flip Dunn, a man with greater aspiration than any other. He wants to get a job somewhere so he doesn’t die. He also wants to be the best like no one ever was. However, he does not want to get STDs, but he does want pussy(Getting Laid). He claims that camel toe is unacceptable but he completely accepts FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) only because it is an acronym and because he has no self-confidence. Marlon’s greatest aspiration is to colonize a country and name it Marlon’s Dick (this is where I decided to stop using Marlon’s direct ideas). Now to Marlon’s favorites. Being a Cinema Studies minor, I just had to ask him what his favorite movie was. His answer was of course, “I don’t have one because I’m a pretentious film asshole. However, my favorite movie as a child was Clerks.”
BROETRY
The Penis By Jack Preslutsky it came today to visit and moved into the house it was smaller than an elephant but larger than a mouse first it slapped my sister then it whacked my dad then it smooshed my mother oh! that really made me mad it went and neutered rover
His favorite foods are birthday cake, ice cream, and anything else that will give him diabetes(which is nearly nothing since he is one skinny fuck). Marlon’s favorite activites include long walks on the beach and filming the excursions. He finds it incredibly important that people watch the shit he films, as it is what sustains his ego. Specific activities include getting his right thigh slapped by Phil Li and his left nipple licked by Kelly Terez. Marlon would like to let everyone know that he has no confidence, but he tries to cover it up by being funny. (something he claims all of his friends do) More quirks include his majestic hair flip that is eerily reminiscent of Rick Astley. His left nipple is smaller than his right and he has perfectly symmetrical pubic hair. The end. and almost raped the cat it sliced apart my hoo-hah and rudely crushed my ass it smeared my head with semen and filled my life with shock and then i yelled in anger, ‘Get out of here you cock!’ that’s just the way it happened it happened all today before it shrunk politely and softly went away
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesbeard, Marchbeard 7th, 2012
“So Say We All.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
A Heartfelt Tribute to Funnel Cake BY STEWART MANHALL
T o d a y ’ s c a l m and clement weather splashed me with a sense of fond remembrance. No, not of low tides and bare thighs; just the sweet aroma that oft wafts through the air when the time of the warm summer months reappears. The scent of which I speak, of course, belongs to the most titillating and savory fried pastry conceived by man. Even donuts, the dessert forged by gods, bows to the addicting and seasonal charm of the crisscrossing, mouth-watering, eye-gouging deliciousness that is Funnel Cake. Gulls (and myself) lose mind at the very intersection of the eyes and a plate of this cake. Each cruciform link of dough is an artistic stroke of
beauty, surpassed only by the sugar coated taste that melts so delicately on the palate. Perhaps it is the very essence of summer and happiness that surrounds it in an aura of excellence. As a pirate of the seven seas, neither instance of booty would deter me from finding the X that
tempts to do so, mocking those who would be so foolish as to even entertain such thoughts. The funnel cake is a prize and a privilege, one that is seldom received unless in the correct locale and climate. Basking in the sunlight today offered rare opportunity for me to relive the glorious summer days and nights of the past, in which ocean air and the scent of beachside treats melded as one within my nostrils, bringing forth a euphoria that marks the spot of Funnel offers Cloud Nine a partCake. ing wave as it rises higher I have seen good and higher until life itself people assaulted by birds takes on new meaning just for a small sample and purpose. of the treasure, and I Some people are have seen brother pitted crack addicts. Some peoagainst brother in enmity ple are sex addicts. But in the realm of fried food. for me, each day is just Sharing is not an op- another day defined by tion. The very form of the funnel cake. Kind of. cake defies all logical atNow, donuts…
“The funnel cake is a prize and privilege.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Would You Like to Become a Member and Earn Benefits? BY WARREN MORTENSEN
If you sign up for our Gold Card Rewards Program, on the first week of every third month, you’ll earn triple benefits with purchases of $50 or more on select items. Membership fees are low and you’ll only be billed once with an annual recurring lock-in fee. You’re able to cancel your membership at any time through our web page’s cancellation system. Oh, excuse me? Well, excuse me miss, I wasn’t aware that you were already a member. Oh, I see. It doesn’t say here you cancelled already.
Stop Asking Me! I Cancelled My Card Months Ago! BY BRITTANY RAMIREZ
Please stop charging my credit card! I am done with your business and I am boycotting everything you stand for and support. This is entrapment and I will sue your dumbasses for robbery! No, no, no! I do not care about triple benefits and I do not want any rewards! I am a poor college student that works six hours a week because Student Life has to provide EQUAL opportunity to all applicants. What bullshit! Oh, yeah? You don’t care that I’m broke? Well, fuck you and your job! Wait, you’re in college too. Wait, huh? Oh, my. I’m so sorry. That sounds horrible. Well, I guess I can spare a little extra each...wait, no. No. NO! You’re not getting me with this shit! Good try, bitch.
Come Meet The Members of the Seeing Eye Puppy Club!* Tonight, Busch Campus Center Room 120A, 8pm *no actual puppies included
UNIVERSITY VOICES
New Brunswick is Now Enforcing Laws Keeping Bikes Off the Sidewalks. What do you think? “Well, no one said anything about me keeping my car off the sidewalk.” Melinda Burke, New Brunswick Resident
“I was riding my bike on the road before it was cool.” Howard Prudoff, Pharmacy Senior
“This is a big problem; my daughter’s Huffy isn’t street legal.” Martin White, Chemistry Professor
“They should be more focused on keeping homeless people off the sidewalk.” Angela Finn, SAS Senior
ADVICE
Ask A Guy Who Just Saw “The Dark Knight” for the First Time
Dear Guy Who Just Saw The Dark Knight, I’ve been working at as a mechanic for the last 5 months and I can’t stand my boss. He’s been cutting my hours repeatedly, even though I have a family. Also, the conditions around the shop are obviously unsafe but my boss just talks down to the people who point this out. I would love to quit, but I really need the money. Can you give me any advice on what to do at this point? Sincerely, Confused in Charleston
Dude, I can’t even listen to what you’re saying right now because Dark Knight is FUCKING AWESOME! Holy shit, why I have never watched this before? Ahhhhhh, oh my God Batman is so awesome! And fucking Heath Ledger. Best ever. The pencil thing? Best. How could they let Rachel die? What is Bruce gonna do now? Fucking smart of the Joker to switch their locations though. Probably because he’s the best movie villain ever! Oh the boat scene! W-with the criminals and the civilians? I was fucking tense as hell man. But they pulled it out because Christopher Nolan is a fucking genius! Can’t wait to watch Batman Begins now.
ARTS
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
the Medium
“I peed in my potted plant. NBD.”
WIZARDRY
RESTRAINT
Things I have to restrain myself from doing on the bus...
Reading that guy’s phone as he dumps his girlfriend via text
Pulling out that prick’s earbuds
Closing the guy’s legs who thinks it’s sexy to spread’em
Shutting the mouth of the annoying yammering bitch
CORRESPONDENCE
Want to show me how much better than me you draw?
themedium.arts@gmail.com Or, you can show me tonight and make me cry!!
8pm BCC 120-A
Tickling that tall guy’s armpit
the Medium
PERSONALS
SPRUNG BRZZEAK
WOMEN’S RIGHTS
SLUTS, INC.
To Spring Break: I am going to sit at home and drink for most of it. How is this any different from my usual life?
To 90% of the employees at the Douglass Cafe, you are all rude, incompetent, pieces of shit. Who in their right FUCKING mind thought it was a good idea to hire you dumb fucks? Were you even trained? Every single damn time I’m there, you guys either look confused (as if making a sandwich is so complicated), you give customers attitude (I’m talking to you ugly bitches at the register), and then refuse to swipe someone when their meal is 5 CENTS over the meal swipe. And don’t even get me started on the cracked out hoodlum that just stands by the entrance and yells at people for bringing in food or drinks from pizza uno or dunkin...I’m sorry your family is on food stamps but get a real fucking job. All of you need to take some pointers from the amazing Brower take-out ladies or the hipster employees at the Cook Cafe and learn some manners....and maybe get an IQ while you’re at it.
To the 3 sluts at the party on Robinson street on Saturday, way to tease everyone by only dancing with eachother the whole night, bitches!
(It’s not, except for the fact that every time you go on Facebook you’ll see pictures of people you hate on exotic beaches.) Hey springbreak, get the fuck here, I’m over this college shit. (Aren’t we all...) To my professors, Cancun bitches!
FASHION POLICE To the guy wearing flip flops with socks in the rain. How did you make this decision? (“Today, I feel nostalgic for the days of wearing a wristwatch and trying too hard in gym class”- is what I imagine his thought process to be like.) To the kid that always wears the “YEAH BUDDY!!!” sweatshirt in Busch dining hall, Yea, buddy, why don’t you go fuck yourself you tool?
(The knowledge that a bunch of self righteous Dou(If the owner of this sweat- glass gals can’t make a halfshirt is reading this, please decent sandwhich is annoyplease take the hint and ing as shit, while not at all surprising. Ladies, kindly burn it.)) do us all a favor and ignore To every douchebag on the past hundred years’ campus, I don’t’ under- worth of advancements for stand why you think that women’s rights and learn March is the perfect time how to make an Italian sub to wear shorts, it makes the right way.) me uncomfortable. Sincerely, the girl with 7 lay- To the guy on the second floor that wears glasses, ers on. Why are you always play(To be fair, maybe the of- ing fucking zombies with fensive short-wearers are your friends? Like seriall coming from the gym ously! Every time I hear or something. To be unfair, “Im Down!” I interpret maybe it doesn’t matter be- it as “Fuck me in the asscause they still look like gi- hole again”. One of these day I’m going to storm ant assholes.) in that room and steal To the girl in the the col- that stupid game, shove lege avenue gym on tues- it up your ass, and then day with the pink shorts. get Frank to box the livYou have the most amaz- ing shit out of you. Keep ing body i’ve ever seen. it down or take your gay I think we should go out fucking party to another sometime. From your se- floor. Love, Fuck you cret admirer. (Nothing says you care more than admitting to checking out her body while she works out and then asking her to date you through an anonymous mention in the personals.)
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
“My UPA isn’t Fat, it’s just big boned!”
(Is Zombies a game people play? Regardless, it sounds like the kid is just trying to live. This is America for God’s sake. Let him play Zombies in his own god damn room if he wants to.)
LIL BIT SPRUNG Ah, spring break is upon us once again.
The season of starvation, financial debt, and the quest for the ever-elusive “base tan” is almost over, and with its end comes a week of pure bliss. As I type this, I have just finished filling myself on a dinner consisting solely of asparagus and the salted skin of a baked (Three sluts dancing by potato. But in the end, it will all be worth it when I’m themselves in the middle of sitting on a beach looking anorexic as shit. Two days a party is like three delicious from now, my fellow students, we will be free to inslabs of raw steak thrown dulge in a week of solid debauchery. Whether your into a cage full of wolves. idea of fun is some much needed time off from Orgo Do you need your mommy Lectures or five days in Cancun straight slamming to cut your meat for you? drunk whores who will never remember your name, Make a move next time be sure to make every second count. Remember, as pussy) that really annoying kid you follow on Twitter once said: #YOLO To the whores from the 4th floor of Thomas, my friend thinks you should SLOB ON MY KNOB CORN ON THE COB fuck him. To Rutgers: I am not pay- To FirstTransit: please (To the whores from the 4th ing my parking ticket un- invest in air freshners floor of Thomas: You won’t) til I get paid, by you. So, for the EE or don’t perpay me now and I can mit the homeless of New To the five indian kids give you back your mon- Gunswick to be passenthat saw the Jameson ey! Otherwise, your shit gers on the bus. It smells play on Saturday. STOP out of luck! like unwashed asshole all FUCKING TALKING! If the time. I hadn’t been so focused (What is Rutgers paying on how often the actors you for, bending over last To my housemates: STOP were losing their accents, semester while it gently EATING MY FUCKI would have taken your inserted itself into you and ING SNACKS! They are stupid phones that you screwed you? Sorry, your MINE! Also, who the fuck were texting with and check got lost somewhere eats one frozen waffle at shoved them in your with the reimbursement a time? They are meant to mouths and taped them checks from three years ago.) be eaten in pairs! You are shut! If you can’t stay messing up my flow! quiet for two fucking Walking through the Yelhours, than I don’t know low Lot on Livi is like (Roommate snack-stealing how the fuck we as a so- that scene in Jurassic 101: Only take what they ciety are going to make it Park 2 where the raptors won’t notice, go big or go past the end of this year! hop outta the tall grass home. You have to take both and eat people. Except I waffles next time so they always make it to my car don’t notice anything is (I don’t get it, were they safely. wrong. And never, under talking or were they texany circumstances, take the ting? Texting through a last Hot Pocket.) horrible play is more than (Also, less Jeff Goldblums) acceptable. Talking is also, now that I’m thinking about To the electrical engi- To Rutgers Profs: fucking it.) neer who can’t take the write legibly. Its not that hint: I’m flattered that fucking hard you think I’m pretty but HELLO I’M RUDE your awkward conversa- To the colored girls at To the girl sitting next to tions make me want to rutgers: can yall tone it me in the Satellite com- run away and scream. down a notch or ten? puter lab last tuesday, I Just introducing yourself swear that wasn’t a fart. doesn’t mean I’m going It was a grumble in my to accept all your friend (Really?? I haven’t heard tummy because I hadn’t requests. If I wasn’t or seen the word “colored” eaten yet. I’m hoping the scared you were emo- used to describe black people lack of smell helped clue tionally unstable/suicid- since I was a white supremiyou in that it was indeed al, I probably would’ve cist in Geaorgia in fucking NOT a fart. ripped you to shreds and 1955. Black History Month told you to fuck off. I’m JUST ended and this is To the blonde chick with not interested in you, where we’re at...right back the black and gold Coach and I’m not interested in to “colored people.” Jesus.) purse sitting next to me munching on your penis. in my DCIM class, that Stop stalking me! Too the fat chick with was INDEED a FART. I the white gunglasses eatdon’t apologize. (Sorry engineers...pretty ing an eggroll and fried girls= not for you.) chicken walking on cook. To the third floor of i dont think i need to say SC&I, Hello, didn’t see How do all you fuckers something witty, this is you there. still not understand: let just too easy. the people OFF the bus, (Come to the lobby of the and THEN get on you (Thanks to girls like you, SC&I building today from ignorant egotistical fuck- my job is much easier as 12-4 for a surprise...) well. We appreciate you.) heads!!!!!
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
“Thousands of years ago into the future”
LOSERS
ORIGINALITY
To the fucking blonde asshole with the gauges who works at the douglass take out: what's your deal man? you sir are a disgrace. To humanity. I have never seen you smile ONCE in all my days of takeout, and I'm there pretty much every knight. You walk around like your shit don't stink but u obviously have somethin stuck up your hairy brown eye. I used to think u were hot but ur all show and no go. You're not foolin anyone. Next time you get off work, do yourself a favor and go walk in front of a EE.
To the smoking hot latina in on the H yesterday, I would make love to you with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns. Together we would bring new meaning to the word ORGASM. PS if this shit don't get you wet ladies, nothing will. Thats all i got. (But its so cliche at this point. Come up with something original and try again. See below for reference)
(Lol “every knight”. Also, a hairy brown eye sounds like a very unpleasant exprience or some sort of unspeakable sex act) To every person in Theater Appreciation: no, the theater you are standing in front of is not the Jameson Project. That is why it says 'Cabaret' on the front of it. Please learn to read. (And you people made it this far in life without forgetting how to breathe? That is truly a miracle) To the smartest girl in our meteorology class: thank you for saving us all from collective dumbfuckery the other morning at 9:15 AM when the Veggie Doc decided to fling a question at all of us like a turd on a trebuchet. It's no wonder we can't get a forecast right yet. I hope you go to Colorado this summer and come back a genius. (If Colorado, then genius? I see no correlation)
To that weird ass play I saw last weekend: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? It was like a really creepy version of inception! I'll never drive a car again! (Ive seen way creepier shit go down on mass transit. You may want to reconsider that statement.) What is more meaningful, money or love? (Money, you can always rent love)
ATTENTION
To the hipster girl with the red streaks in her hair who dresses like a moron and lives on my floor. I think it's really cool that you were all nice to myself and my roommate when you met us both and now you walk around with your nose in the air and ignore everyone because obviously you seem to know more about life than the rest of us judging by your big (Miss R is not a profes- ugly boy shoes and badsor she is the stunningly ly dyed hair. I promise beautiful blonde woman you that you are not as who works at the Busch original and interesting as you think you are. We Dining Hall.) have come to the concluAs I walk towards the sion that the perfect word to describe your attitude hall, For you I'm in the mood. and your face is cunty. You're just cunty and I want you out of all. I'm not hungry for food. bitchy and WE DON'T LIKE YOU. Sometimes, for you I (To the hipster- And theres nothing “ironic” about anysing. Heed the words I send thing you do. Get used to it) To the DCC: why u no let you. Let me ask you one thing: us swipe for energy drinks and oatmeal sqaures all of Are you on the menu? a sudden??? WTF?? This is a TRAVESTY!!! You guys --The Dusk can't do this anymore, take To the guy I have been your inventory and order seeing casually for the more of the shit we actually past month, only I can swipe for ahhhhHhHHhhH booty call YOU, not the I need my sugar free monother way around. got ster and blueberry oatmeal it? good. Sincerely, you're squareeeeee and other kids still hot anyway. need their fucking frappuc(Ah true love after all..) cinos!!!!!!!!!1 To every douchebag on Sugar free monster? campus, I don't' under- Whats the point... stand why you think that February is the perfect BRING BACK SUGARtime to wear shorts, it LUMPS! Whats he up to these days? makes me uncomfortable. Sincerely, (To whoever wrote this: I the girl with 7 layers on. fucking love you. Sugar(Because its really unsea- lumps was my absolutely sonably warm for some god favorite thing to make ever. awful reason. Also when They made me kill him off you run out of clean clothes, at the end of the semester. I had a whole intricate story you do what you gotta do) arc planed - Sum Dum Joo) To my dentist, my teeth aren’t the only things Just found out there’s a id let you drill. Call me! legitimate song out there (And not for an appoint- called “Smell yo Dick” ment) ;) that’s quite popular. To the bored assholes When did American culwho have nothing bet- ture turn to complete and ter to do than write "ar- utter shit? rest me" in chalk on ev- (You just found out about ery building on campus. this now? That shit is old I hope you are arrested news man. Culture has been so someone will pull the on the downswing for years. stick out of your ass and I blame people who think replace it with their dick. outsourcing is good)
the Medium SENATOR STOVE ON FIRE
Note to self, gasoline around an open flame is a marginally bad idea. What is an amazing good idea is submitting personals! This week we had a crapton and a half of submissions. Enought to fill both pages! Give yourselves a pat on the back, but not too hard or you’ll break your new found effort. To those who aren’t submitting, I can only bitch in so many different ways, or languages. Soumettez! Reichen Sie ein! Someta! %^#%&**%$$^$^&$!?!?!?!? Either way thanks for your support and a hearty fuck you to everyone else
themedium.personals@gmail.com PERSONAL POLL: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
1) The guy is actually givng the girl the finger after she cheated on him, but was censored for publication purposes 2) The effect of a horrible accident where two real people are slowly and painfully turned into stick figures on a piece of crappy notebook paper 3) A different horrible accident where stick figures on a piece of paper are brought to life and later struggle to find employment due to a lack of proof of existence (SS #) 4) A garage door is coming down to cover up the faces of two people who are way too ugly to be seen in person, and had their top half drawn to complete the picture at the last second
THE BACK PAGE “How do you spell inebriated?”
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
Connect the Dots - Of Your Mind BY KCIG | Staff Writer
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A We gonna get silly, bitches. Because that is our job. You know? Being silly and funny? Yes. That’s what we do. Deal with it. Thursday, March 8 at 1:00 PM You’ll just give up There are two more days before spring break. Do you really give a shit at this point? Most of you have been in spring break mode since Monday anyway, so why the fuck are we playing this game? Friday, March 9 at 3:00 PM Bitches rollin’ out Its official. Spring Break has started. Go forth and be free without rules or regulations for a week. Get fucked up. Do what you want. These entries are long because I am in Spring Break mode too and I don’t really feel like writing this, but I have to fill the page with something.
Connect the dots. Decide what you see.
Road to Spring Break
Start
BY OSWALDO J. GOLDBOTTOM | Staff Writer
End
This shit is hard to do alone. Submit some fuckin’ games and shit.
themedium.backpage@gmail.com
(On an unrelated note, this is how many shots I took after I finished this maze.)