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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
QUICKIES
Young man courageously saves friend from drunken hookup "I knew it was the right thing to do," said junior Mark Weinstein, about making the decision to get in the middle of an increasingly friendly exchange between friend Steven Grace and a super hot freshman.
Student who seized the day faces charges for brute force "The fact that it was a fresh new day is all the more reason that this is an insidious crime," said district judge Travis Francis. "It was such a nice day too, it never deserved to be manhandled in such a forceful way."
50¢
March 28th, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XXI
THE HEARTBREAK DICK
CHENEY RECEIVES FIFTH HEART TRANSPLANT
9-Year Old Girl on Recipient List "Honored" to Give Up Spot in Line BY THE KILLA WHALE & SUM DUM JOO STAFF ASSHOLES
FALLS CHURCH, VA—Former Vice President Dick Cheney received his fifth heart transplant last Saturday at the ripe, young age of 71 after 2nd-grader Kristy Phillips offered her spot in line to him. Phillips decided that despite being tormented by an enlarged heart, irregular heartbeat, and severe breathing troubles since birth, Cheney was a more valuable candidate for the transplant. "I haven't accomplished much in my life, but he has and still can. My daddy says one day when I finally graduate 2nd grade, I might be able to get one," said Phillips, laying in a hospital bed as her nurse changed her dialysis for the third time that day.
PUBIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
The former Vice President offered Phillips and her family free tickets to the National Rifle Association's Country Jam II on Friday, April 13; however, the young girl respectfully declined. "He doesn't need to do that," said Phillips, stopping to breath for three minutes. She continued, "Just...let...him...live. This is...my honor. I ask nothing." Cheney also acknowledged
Phillips' generosity by sending her a Build-a-Bear with an electronic beating heart. "If only humans could live off bear hearts," said Cheney. According to doctors, the heart will keep Cheney alive for at most four more years. "What he can do in four years, I could never do with an extra 40," said Phillips, hugging her bear.
NEWS IN PHOTOS
Brower staff assure that pubic Bike thieves support RUDOTS hair found in food just head hair bike expansion initiative BY DOOZ MCKLOY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK—After SAS sophomore Matty Harrison attended Brower Commons last Thursday evening, he was shocked to discover a glob of public hair in his overcooked lasagna. Normally, Rutgers students can enjoy dried out chicken breasts, mushy fruit that appears ripe, and a general lack of anything palatable. Hours after the horrific encounter #BrowerPubes was trending on Twitter. “It was fucking nauseating,” Harrison reported. “I could tell they were pubes immediately from the odors and dried cum. It turned my meal from bad to worse. I bet if Livingston served pubic hair, it would actually taste good!” Captain Commons, Executive Operations Manager of
Brower Commons disagrees. “Well, ya see, all our employees are required to wear belts. Bathroom breaks are strictly prohibited. There’s no way any pubic hair could have escaped the crotches of our staff. Someone probably just forgot to trim their overgrown beard.” Captain, a community college dropout and former cocaine addict, was initiated as Operations Manager in 2007. Since then, surveys prove, the satisfaction ratings for Brower Commons have sharply declined. Freshman Steph Slutburg was disturbed. “I was so excited when I got into Rutgers, but I quickly learned to never expect SUPPORTING THE CAUSE much from Brower. Plates with Approximately 25 masked individuals gathered around the public safety crusty shit stuck to them and building in downtown New Brunswick to show their support for Jack Mobowls in the soup cauldrons are lenaar's new initiative to get more Rutgers students on bikes. Molenaar one thing, but fuck pubes! I’m says the university-wide initiative is expected to create new jobs for about Continued on Page 2
200 local bike thieves.
Prize Inside!!!
ESTABLISHED 1970
the Medium
NEWS
“There's just so much man in here... let's take our pants off!”
PUBIC HAIR
...continued from front
seriously gonna have to become bulimic like my RA.” Still, as word progressed around campus, students fired back. The Napkin Board was soon covered in “Fuck Mama Brower” napkins and later ripped off the wall entirely. The amount of ice cream cones littering the outside of Brower’s rear exit spiked exponentially. Rutgers Dining Services called upon the assistance of Busch and Livingston custodial personnel to clean the disaster. “Esto es muy malo,” reported Maria Gonzalez, a janitor at Rutgers for more than 10 years. “No me gusta el helado.” Gonzalez was later hospitalized for second-degree frostbite from wading through ankle-deep ice cream for hours. Captain Commons, however, downplayed the entire incident. “You know, I grew up eating SPAM and cardboard. Kids
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
Not a real ad, sadly... these days are so ungrateful. Our cooks slave over delicious meals while simultaneously making sure forehead sweat doesn’t drip into any food. So what if someone’s facial hair accidently falls off? Just drizzle a little Frank’s RedHot over it. Maybe some mustard.” It appears for many students, this incident has solidified the negative connotations towards the dining hall. “I am NEVER going back to Brower!” Harrison said. “Those pubes have traumatized me so deeply that I know I’m not gonna be able to finish my Criminal Justice major in 4 years. As far as MURDER? food goes, I’ll just have to eat my roommate’s fat-free Fig Newtons and steal food from the SAC.” RUPD immediately launched an investigation into BY DR. K himself or herself”. Brower Commons and warns BACK PAGE EDITOR According to police reports, the public to “approach Brower the argument seen ensued when with extreme caution.” They say BRISTOL, FL—After receiving Lachey refused to allow the this is the worst crisis they’ve a report of gunshots at an apart- Fitzegeralds to ride the elevator, ment building last night, police seen in the past decade. arrived on the scene to find Mi- which has a maximum weight chael and Karen Fitzgerald dead capacity of 1000 pounds and hawith gunshot wounds near the bitually breaks down due to age. Lachey claimed to be frighteighth floor elevator. Security video footage ened that the elevator car would showed building resident, Fran- be overloaded and fall due to cisco Lachey entering the eleva- the size of the Fitzgeralds. Aftor alone at 2:50 PM from the ter the Fitzgeralds attempted to twelfth floor of the building. At force themselves into the elevathe eighth floor, an argument tor, Lachey chose to force them appeared to ensue between away by shooting them. Police released Lachey after Lachey and the noticeably overdetermining that the combined weight Fitzgeralds as he tried to weight of the Fitzgeralds was prevent them from entering the very close to 900 pounds, and elevator. After a moment of arguing, that added to his own weight, Lachey removed a handgun and would have been over the elevafired three fatal shots at the cou- tor capacity. Lachey has been described ple. Lachey allowed the doors to as a quiet neighbor and effective close and left the building. The security guard. couple was found by a neighbor Those who knew the minutes later. Fitzgeralds described them as a Detectives viewing the friendly couple that often threw footage were quick to locate and question Lachey, who also social events for their friends serves as the building’s night- and neighbors. “They were sweethearts,” time security guard. Despite the video evidence, Lachey was re- said neighbor Bonnie Shapiro. leased by citing the “Stand Your “I mean, I can admit, I’ve been a bit nervous to get in an elevaGround” law. The law allows citizens to tor with them before, but I never use deadly force “to prevent would have killed them.” death or great bodily harm to
Killer of obese people freed by Florida law
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Editorial Staff Spring 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
News Editors Kaitie Davis John Eberhardt Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Daniel Chog Arts Editor Sara Edwards Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano Steve Troulis III
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to baseball. Because nobody else is paying attention to you.
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
“WHY AM I BEING USED FOR MY OWN PAGE? TL;DR: I DID NOT PHOTOSHOP MYSELF”
JUDGMENT
Featured Thoughts from our Indian Princess By Supa Krupa Troopa
Things that go through a girl’s mind when guys are hitting on her: 1. “Is someone talking to me? I’m hearing voices.” If a girl constantly ignores you, chances are she is too shallow and you’re an engineering major. One day, she’ll understand…engineer in the streets but a freak in the sheets…until then, tally ho!
2. “Uh, this guy is a rapist…I’m blocking his number and locking my doors” Guys who fall into this category are the ones who bleed desperation and send the wrong message via social awkwardness. Stop creeping! Stalking/raping/things-of-that-nature are all serious crimes.
5. ”Nice pickup line, you tool bag. I’m not sleeping with you. Fuck off.” Frat boys are notorious for this. If you use pickup lines too often, chances are a girl will hate you from the moment she meets you. A girl doesn’t want to be on your bucket list, plus she will also think you are trying to hard to get in her pants. 6.“OMGSTICKITINMENOW, IWANNAMARRYYOU” Some men are just the epitome of perfection: freakishly good looks, the body of a Greek god, a GPA higher than today’s gas prices, the ability to cook and simultaneously have a great personality. This occurrence is apocalyptic and when a women finds a guy like this, she will immediately seize the opportunity to jump his bones.
7. “I wish this dude would shut up…I wonder how big his dick is?” A girl will easily get bored with guys that just keep talking about 3. “Awww, he reminds me of nonsense. No one wants to hear my little brother!” about your day or your love for Falling into this category is the video games. Stop wasting time point of no return. Being ador- and drop your pants. If you able doesn’t cut it; just call it don’t have a nice package, leave quits. She will never love you now and never come back. and you will be forced to do her homework. #foreveralone 4. “I’d soooooo dip that delicious man in chocolate!” Sexy men get lucky in this case. A girl will ignore the fact that you’re a douche bag and only focus on your looks. In this scenario, you’ll probably be a ‘fuck and chuck’. Don’t be offended.
MEOW BITCH
Student of the week Lauren “Leopard” Stern
Major: Journalism and Media Studies, I love Anderson Cooper, and I want to meet him real bad.) Age: 22 (14-16 Mentally) Minor: Philosophy (Cuz like I wanna know about life and be deep.) Occupations: Writer, Music Writer, Writer of Music Reviews, Writer of Things Leopard Related, Shopper (only for leopard print) Lauren “Leopard” Stern is a brilliant individual who has the motivational drive and dreams of a child with a maturity and the behavior to match. She aspires to work for SPIN magazine, to own a minivan, and to have five kids. More interestingly, as she is the number one Jack’s Mannequin fan in the world, she wants to acquire the same cancer that Andrew McMahon had himself. After that, she hopes to be featured in a song of theirs. Less interestingly, Lauren wants to own 100% of the leopard print available in the world. Some of her favorite things include no foods except for rice cakes and orange
-She has big boobs -She is a Grammy award winning singer -She has a lot of money -She eats a lot of delicious meals -She might be looking to rebound from her last boyfriend so she is probably down for some crazy shit -She will swallow
soda(she explicitly stated that she does not eat normal food, picky eater or anorexic IDK bro). Favorite bands include Jack’s Mannequin and that’s it, maybe Something Corporate but eh. Favorite movies are standard shit(Eternal Sunshine.... Say Anything,Requiem........and The Notebook.) A few fun facts about Lauren are that she has the shittiest immune system: comparable to having AIDS, dates a kid with the most noticeable bowl haircut at Rutgers University, and she tends to itch her face like a dog despite claiming to be the human version of a leopard, whatever that means.
WOULD I BANG?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^by: UNDERAGE B&
FATTIES Would I Bang Adele? by: Hairy Chest
Pros
the Medium
Cons
-She has big boobs because she’s fat -Her voice is manly when she talks -Her size could lead to sex-related injury -She is probably not very flexible -May become attached to her warm personality
YOU READING THIS, YEAH U. COME TO OUR MEETING. BCC ROOM120A @ 8PM 2 TONITE LEARN TO BE ONE OF THE KOOL KIDS >:D CHARTS
BY: DR. DRE-HOOD
the Medium UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you feel about Tim Tebow coming to the New York Jets?
OP/ED
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
“Spare me my life. Spare me my life.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Working at Foxconn Has Been Nothing Short of a Pleasure BY QUING XIAO
When I was a young “Faith is important to me but the girl in my poor Chinese Province, I dreamed of Jets are hopeless.” growing wealthy and rich. My family was never John Tomlin, SAS First Year Student able to put food on the table on a consistent basis, which gave me the urge to do better. I wanted to be able to raise a family and provide for them. “He was demoted to the minors? That is why I moved from my little town to Oh, that’s just horrible. “ the Shenzhen province where Foxconn has one Lisa O’Rourke, SAS Senior of the largest factory campuses in the world! Foxconn makes all of the wonderful technologies that people around the “Tim Tebow is a great example planet use. There are plenty of of the power of the media and jobs, the hours are wonhow television news can draw derful, and there is flexattention to anything they want ibility in scheduling and many opportunities for without relevant content.” promotion. They provide me a Steve Miller, SC&I Faculty lovely apartment on-site. The only major inconvenience I had was getting stuck on the third floor, when I wanted a big view “This is excellent. Maybe they’ll of the skyline. Alright, I start showing the football am going to assume the public relations people games while I’m at Mass.” have stopped reading at this point. I am the only Sean McGroarty, Pharmacy Junior English speaking worker on my production line.
ADVICE
Ask a high school girl who just got the part of Maria in her high school’s production of ‘The Sound of Music’ Dear High School Girl, I recently bought my boyfriend a gift for our anniversary. I gave it to him when I arrived at his apartment and he loved it. The next day, however, I caught him humping the maid. I was devastated! I ran out of his apartment and haven’t gone back since. What I would like to know is if I am able to take this particular gift back. He hadn’t opened it when I saw him last. I don’t think he deserves it anymore. Cheated on in Chattanooga Dear Cheated in Chattanooga, I think that you should definetely... Wait, hold on a second. Ms. Foster just posted the cast list. Let me just get over there and see... OH MY GOD! AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD! I can’t believe it! Oh man. This is amazing! ‘THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIIIVE!!!’ Ah! I’m so excited! Jimmy is playing Captain Von Trap too! He is so cute! If I pull this off right, I’m gonna be his girlfriend by Prom. You’ll see! Oh man, I have to call my mom! This is so amazing. When I am a star on Broadway in three years, I’ll buy you a replacement gift from your douchebag boyfriend. I think I will get my penthouse on Park Avenue when I get my first big role. Yours, Maria Von Trapp
This place is hell. Pure fucking hell. I am working twelve to eighteen hours a day, seven days a week. They never let me leave. My ‘lovely’ apartment is a tiny room I share with four people. I have to share a tiny bed with a complete stranger. Hold on, they are coming to look over my shoulder as I type. Let me put in a nice, positive sounding quote.
“The food at the employee restaurants is delicious! They served sushi last week! Okay, don’t believe for a second that we have an employee restaurant. We have to buy our food from the company owned grocery store. And they inflate the prices so I am paying my hard earned money back to the company. What kind of evil, imperialist shit is that? And I have never had sushi. I haven’t eaten a fresh piece of food in
seven years. Everything I eat is in cans and expired months ago. And I have never even seen any of these technologies. I don’t actually know what we make. I spend my day soldering tiny wires together. Apparently, we make something called an ‘iPad.’ I don’t know what it is or how it is used. I saw a picture of it once and it looks like a picture frame. Am I spending my entire life making electric picture frames? Is that what you Americans spend so much money on? What a miserable existence I lead. I am looking at the news, which is run by Foxconn on its own TV channel, and they say that we have the best jobs in the world! Are you shitting me? Do you think we are that dumb? The only reason I haven’t left is.. Oh no, they are coming back. Please, for the love of God, send help! Working at Foxconn has been the greatest experience of my whole life. I will probably be working here the rest of my life! Hooray!
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
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PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 28st, 2012
“#umf #YOLO #douchebags“
HORRIBLE PEOPLE
I HATE EVERYONE
FRESHMEN
UGH
WHY?
To Mr. Player who got his phone stolen I didn’t mean to steal your phone I was planning on giving it back. I picked it up and looked through your shit and I can safely say that you are one fuck of a womanizer. I hope all those girls you are texting realize that they aren’t the only ones trying to be the only one. And to that girl who texted you saying “she’s not that kind of girl’, every girl says that shit, you are no different. So you didn’t want to watch movies with him because you were not “that type” of girl, but prefer coffee at some other place instead? Well bitch, he will lure you into his room after that fucking coffee date, and you will gladly fuck him. Anyway, the whole world and your momma started calling and I didn’t want to pick up, so sorry that it lead to the cancellation of your phone line. By the way, nice gay myspace mirror pictures, you flaunt your disappointing small black penis very well. Sincerely, you are mad.
To the oompa-loopma looking retarded kid in our met classes: we’re all sick and tired of your fucking homework-stealing, test-cheating antics, and your dumb, insulting jokes. We’re not your friends, and next time you follow us to one of our pickup football games we’re gonna be sure to deck you so hard that you get fucking flatlined. I hope you and those twatwaffle outfits of yours get shoved into a tightly-tied potato sack and get launched to downtown Camden on a trebuchet. Won’t survive there bitch!
To all the kids who were in my orientation group before freshman year: I remember all your names specifically because of the icebreakers that we did.
To that kid in the Busch Dining hall wearing the “YEAH BUDDY!!!” sweatshirt, I wrote about you a couple of weeks ago and clearly none of your friends are looking out for you, you look like a douchebag guido wannabe.
To the guy who keeps posting shit in the Easton Ave Apartment’s facebook group, no one thinks you’re cool. You’re an absolute tool for posting updates on you friday nights, and then asking people to help with your low-budget movie. And everyone knows you’re always the culprit for those goddamn noise complaints. Stop being such a fucking loser and maybe then I won’t push you down 12 flights of stairs next time I see you.
To the faggot of a roommate I have, it’s March, if you haven’t figured out that I don’t like you To the hoodrat/mexican yet, you’re pretty fucking who stole my bike; joke’s dumb. on you, it was a 30 year Hey roommate, your old piece of shit with GPA may be a 3.9, but if a broken chain. I hope there was a GPA for com- when you put your plasmon sense, you’d have a tic bags on the handlebars that whatever amount of fucking 0. crack is inside of them that they snap off. To Rutgers housing, fuck you for making me live To my fridge, get your on Livi next year. ass running to the liqour
To Rutgers hipsters- Stop ruining fashion. Now whenever I dress like (Well fuck you for thinking store. We’re out of beer the fucking modern stud Rutgers would fulfill any of and I’m in college. Enough said. that I am, people assume your desires. I like drinking shit beer, reading editorials, and preaching social activism. It’s hard enough dressing to attract ladies without being assumed gay, but NOW, I have to put away my cardigans to avoid having you people talk to me. Fuck it. BUST OUT THE WIFE-BEATERS.
(You probably typed this personal up on your 1920’s(A man’s douchebaggery is style antique typewriter his own private business, while sipping on organic how dare you expose him juice, all while wearing one via this small weekly news- of your goddamn aforemenpaper.) tioned cardigans. You hipsters are all the same...when To the girl with the yoga will you learn?) pants standing on that crowded bus, you’re Every fucking asian girl probably mad cause has the fucking highest I didn’t give up my pitched laugh, and every seat, and trust me I was asian girl laughs every ashamed too, that’s why I five fucking seconds. I tried to avoid eye contact hope unspeakable tragas much as possible, but edies befall every single I just wasn’t sure if you asian girl so that none were one of those femi- of them can bear to even nists who get offended smile for the rest of their by chivalry. Is chivalry of- lives. fensive all the time or is it permissible sometimes? It’s fun taking Psych 101 We need to answer this as a junior, but all these fucking question so I can freshmen talking so loud act normal again. I’ve had makes it difficult to sleep the door slammed in my through. face for being chivalrous before, and I don’t want To the fucking black ass to look like a fuck head bitch nigger in my Sex again. Still, soooo sorry class. You say the same cause your boobs almost thing all the time and you hit my face more than think it makes you look once though. Sooooooo deep and vastly liberal but you know that it actusorry. ally makes you look dim(Chivalry’s not dead, it’s witted and intellectually just sleeping...right guys? confined. You ma’am, are a fucking dumbass gayby Right?) nooblord with no brain.
My dick is so huge and I want you to deepthroat it so hard that I start fucking your small intestines. (My job is to publish shit like this. I don’t write them, I just publish them. Just saying.)
The College Avenue Players Present...
Uberman: A Superhero Musical! March 24th March 25th March 30th at 8:00pm March 31st at 11:59pm Presented at Scott Hall Room 135 College Avenue Campus Student TIckets: $5 General Admission: $8
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
the Medium
“The bitch went nuts yo”
LARRY Dear Bathing Suit Kid, WTF! You used to come into Brower and liven up my days by wearing your tie-dye shirts and bathing suits no matter what the weather. But now i guess you're too mature for that so you just wear your long sleeve polos and blue jeans. You disappointment me man. Spring is here, whip out the bathing suits!
MOE
To the fuck who decided it would be funny to take a shit in the sink in Scott Hall. You think you are fucking funny? What did you plan to accomplish by dropping a fucking deuce in the sink you dickless piece of shit. It makes you look like a douche and makes us all suffer. I hope when you get old, you shit your pants every fucking day and nobody cleans it because karma is a bitch (Apparently the best time (There was probably a toilet for a swim is during a snow- like 3 feet from the sink, did storm at brower. Go figure) you really have to be a shitGain Y0ur Freed0m, bag? Manage Y0ur 0wn BusiTo the door to door Jeness hovahs witnesses that (Already do, what now keep bothering me at bitches?) home. I don’t know how To the ignorant asshole many different ways I on the EE yelling about can say im not fucking how trashy Hooters is. interested. I was raised We may seem trashy non denominational, and it’s my choice to remain to you, but that's only that way. You get snippy from clock-in until clock- with me when I politiely out to take money from ask you to leave. When people like you who will you don’t I grab a blunt ALWAYS be ugly. Your weapon and threaten you feelings towards Hoot- off of my property. Stop ers girls probably comes going door to door and from the anger of know- pissong people off. Seriing no matter how many ously, the mormons got times you come in, we're the hint, why won’t you? not reallyyy flirting with Why is it that every time you. Hoots and Kisses! ;) I go to the SAC Lounge <3 some bitch from RUPA (Anything to get that extra walks up to me to tell me tip money. Seriously, serv- to get the fuck out bc in ers do not get paid enough 2 minutes the lounge is for their jobs) closing for an event. Why even let me sit down you SHEMP you inconsiderate bitch this is the third time this Connorloupe is a fuck- week. Why are events ing canteloupe. Bringing held there 23/7 364 days him to brower is beyond of the year??? belief that any human being could ever manage to (Move your meetings to non public areas so people muster. can lounge and stuff) To the girl who said she’d To my brother, what are be mine forever, apyou, bachelor frog? Seriparently forever means ously, I see them online about 2 weeks. and totally think its you (Yeah, forever seems to be getting shorter and shorter these days. For some forever means 48 hours later. The only thing that is guaranteed in life is that your zippo will be repaired for free. Seriously how good is that customer service? The warranty on that lighter is good long after you die. Takes “lifetime” to a whole new meaning) John Connelly for RUSA president!
CURLEY
SENATOR STOVE DOESN’T CARE
To whoever keeps throwing snickers wrappers on my front lawn, I have a railroad spike in the shed that i plan to violently insert into your ass after I beat you over the head with a shovel. Think im bluffing? Just try me... (All over a candy bar wrapper? Watch out for this guys lawn people)
To my roommate, I fucking hate you, please go live somewhere else (could you have possibly been more generic?) To the disgusting sloppy sexual couple on the 2nd floor at the Rockoff Apts. STFU!!! Not only can I not stand a cockney English accent I'm trying to work in the study lounge to do my freaking hw not listen to you two talk about the crazy sex you just had and then have your American pimp announce to everyone how much of a dirty british whore you are which goes unsaid bc your accent sounds like you just swallowed a whole cockmeat sandwich while trying to tell your pimp how much you love him. If you're going to announce you're sexual escapades in the study lounge at least do it properly...this is AMERICA we speak AMERICAN ya nasty ass limey. Now get the fuck out of the study lounge or have your pimp smack the shit out of you with a cue ball until you pick up some goddamn English. -Sincerely, the motherfucker glaring at you To my roommate, you think I can’t hear you fapping? Its fucking nasty as hell. Please wait til i’m out of the room.
(Editor Comment for personals. Must have parentheses, italicized.) To the guy who looked at me all cute and stuff t the party, I gave you my number but you never called. I am the one shos supposed to stand you up, not the other way around. Learn proper dating etiquette (Pretty sure thats not proper anyway)
I was driving to class this morning, and I was finally able to listen to a decent radio station. Due to the fact that my car is bare bones stock, and older then both you and I combined (literally), I have a radio that only gets AM stations. I picked up an FM converter online because I was tired of listening to the same tracks over and over again on AM such as Static, Static Part Two: The Second Coming, and Alien Attack. Why am I telling you this? Because you people are light on personals! I need something to fill the gigantic void on the page, so get off your ass, pick a fight with the troll next door, and write about it. If you don’t, i’ll continue to bore you to death with shit that goes on in my mundane life that nobody under the age of 50 would understand. Let this be a warning
themedium.personals@ gmail.com HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW
Happy
F%!#ing Pissed
Insane
Like an idiot
Stoned
Obnoxious
Depressed
Woody Allen
THE CRACK PAGE “Not feeling it bro. Just not feeling it.”
Wednesday, March 28th, 2012
Sudoku and a Story! BY DR. K | Back Page Editor
WHAT IS SHAKING. Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A Bring your bitch ass in and give me some ideas if you’re going to complain about this page and you haven’t taken 20 minutes out of your day to send me an e-mail with some fuckin’ ideas.
Movie Review
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN Ass Back Page Editor
Movie: 21 Jump Street Torrent File: 21 Jump Street 2012 TS Xvid UnKnOwN
I opened this .avi file expecting the worst. Bootlegs are usually terrible quality, but I was pleasantly surprised with this file. This was one of the better bootlegs I had encountered during my professional research. The audio was rendered quite well; the creator was most likely using a Canon Vixia HF R300 or a flip video camera. The picture resolution was quite exquisite; the darker scenes brightened and the lighter scenes adjusted to perfection. The sole fault of this bootleg was the length of time that the artist had spent adjusting the settings of the camera during the opening credits, which were missing some important producing companies’ logos. Also, there were a few instances when the camera was slightly off-center: cutting off the corners of the video so the viewer could not see the shoes that the actors were wearing. Overall, I rate this movie file a 4 out of 5 stars. Keep these excellent bootlegs coming UnKnOwN!
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Once upon a time, there was a friendly college student. He lived a very simple life. He didn’t want much. However, he found himself being pulled in 8 different directions to do things one weekend. That Monday, the college student didn’t sleep as he dilligently finished homework as-
signments and working on various things. As a result, when he went to his newspaper production meeting, he was completely exhausted. He had frequently asked for people to send him things to put on his page so he wouldn’t have so much work, but on that fateful day, his e-mail inbox was
80 %
empty (except for one compliment e-mail, thanks!). As a result, the friendly college student filled his page with Sudokus from online instead of taking the time to think of unique puzzle ideas that people could relate to.
ENJOY!!! 20 %
Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea
Tropicana Pink Lemonade
A connoisseur of soda fountain drinks knows that the best thing to drink from the dining hall without mixing is undoubtedly Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea. It is also possibly the most difficult beverage to mix with other beverages, owing to its distinctive flavor. As much as I would hesitate to sully the simple enjoyment of such a light and refreshing drink, there is nevertheless one way to mix Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea with another soft drink; add just a splash of Tropicana
Pink Lemonade. The addition of the Tropicana Pink Lemonade makes the clear mahogany tone of the Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea slightly lighter and cloudier as a result of of the pulpy quality of the Tropicana Pink Lemonade. The flavor remains light, though perhaps more clarified because of the increased acidity of the mixture. This change makes it a better compliment to most meals than straight Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea because it is
a more effective palate cleanser. It is important to get the proper ratio of Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea to Tropicana Pink Lemonade. Any more lemonade, and the boldness of the Brisk Raspberry Iced Tea is overshadowed: any less and you may as well not add it at all. It is also a necessity to use the pink-dyed version of Tropicana Lemonade; the regular yellow lemonade lacks a certain whimsy that contributes to the overall emotion evoked by the soda mixture.
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