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March 9th, 2016
Volume LI Issue VII 50¢ THIS IS THE REAL GIFT
ENGLISH MAJOR PENS BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN BURGER KING APPLICATION BY NED FLANDERS DATING DTS'S SISTER
PISCATAWAY—Graduation is just two short months away, which means it's time for English majors to decide what they want to be when they grow up. For some, it's a teacher. For some, it's a stripper, or perhaps an alcoholic. But Angelica Vikander can't be held down by stereotypes. Angelica strives to become a Burger King employee. On Saturday, Angelica made the most important decision of her young life: applying to the Burger King Fast-Food Emporium Extraordinaire (as she likes to call it) in the Busch Sampus Center in Piscataway. As witnesses account, she confidently strolled in, asked for an application, and promptly began filling it out at a nearby table. "Most people take under five minutes to complete the
QUICKIES
Tuesday Declared 4th Best Day of the Week Peyton Manning Given Full Time Position at Papa Johns
application. After about fifteen minutes I saw Ms. Vikander pull out some more paper, so I thought she was doing homework and forgot about Burger King like most people do. Then she came back three hours
later and handed me a stack of papers. I was very confused," Burger King Manager Leonardo DiScorpio explained, happy to be holding his new gold crown Continued on Page 2
Bernie Sanders Wins Kids Choice Awards Person of the Year Wait, Conor McGregor died?!
PETER, PAUL, AND POTTY
Seminary Stalls Serve Confessions BY SAWYER SACRAMENTAL JUICE EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—Recent reviews of visitor logs at New Brunswick Theological Seminary prove that since the building's 2015 renovation, an increased number of students have visited for religious reasons. "Universities tend to promote some sinful hedonism. Those I've spoken to get sloppy drunk and sexually promiscuous Friday, recover from hangovers Saturday, and seek absolution Sunday," explained Reverend Martin O'Doule. Students leaving O'Doule's Sunday mass were eager to explain that they don't all belong to that group of wayward Christians. Tiffany DiMarco, a Food Science junior shared her reasons: "I've always been
RIPPING ASS Since 1970
religious. Just look how blue my boyfriend's balls are! Bible study is my way of becoming closer to Jesus. But most of the time, I come by to use the beautiful new bathrooms." Many congregants shared this detail about their business at the Seminary. Todd Ryan, a vagrant-about-town, explained that he bathes in the Thompson Hall bathroom shower but will only defecate in the Seminary's booths. "The new bathrooms are nice, but I prefer the less-often occupied velvety lined ones with the wicker screen. The guy one stall over was also really forgiving of my more nauseating dumps. "Problem is you have to bring your own toilet paper. All they have in there's a Bible with a few page missing."
the Medium
NEWS
"Leslie Carter died!!!???"
BLASTED MY ANUS
Wednesday, March 9th 2016
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OH NO! MY HONIES!!
Senior Severely Disappointed University to Replace Service by Moe’s Monday Dogs with Honey Badgers BY THE BUS KID HE'S BACK!
PISCATAWAY—This past Monday, Rutgers Business School senior Sagar Shah continued to get the full Rutgers experience of being let down when he decided to try out the Southwest-themed fast food restaurant Moe’s. Known for its weekly special “Moe’s Monday,” the restaurant located in the Busch Student Center lists: “Any burrito, chips, and salsa for $5.99!” as the promotion of the day. Graduating this semester, Shah decided to at least try it at least once before he would move on to the work-life.
"I was really excited for it,” Shah told reporters from The Medium, “I never had the chance to really try to Moe’s since I am usually not on this campus but now I have Planet Earth so this seemed like a mustdo opportunity.” Shah currently takes Planet Earth as an elective required for his SAS CORE requirements, which is held in the Pharmacy Building. "But from the second I walked up to the counter, I knew that all my hopes and dreams for the perfect burrito place on campus would be lost. As I
BY TRADUCTORA THE EXPLORA CHICKHEN LICKER
NEW BRUNSWICK—The Seeing Eye, Inc., the guide dog program on campus, released a press statement on Monday in which they announced that starting in Fall 2016, the programs´ dogs will be replaced entirely with “seeing eye honey badgers.” “Labrador Retrievers, Golden Retrievers, and German Shepherds, the standard picks for the organization’s furry
friends, have been proven to garner too much attention from passers-by,” explained Lauren Copps, the organization’s NJ spokesperson. She explains that the trainers were being stopped far too frequently by people eager to pet the dogs and mumble non-sensical baby talk. “When the dog trainers would walk with the puppies to class, they would be flocked by students wanting to pet the dogs, specifically: menstruating Continued on Page A7
O b
A j e a T c
Y c d y g
I t c
Continued on Page A7
H m h d
BURGER KING
...continued from front
for finally winning the Best Manager award he so rightfully deserves. "She wrote an essay about Burger King! The other managers thought I was high when I told them. But damn if it wasn't the most enchanting thing I've ever read." Fellow English majors are in awe of her high expectations for herself, and frankly, they can't help but feel a tad envious of her. After all, it wasn't easy for her to achieve that 3.95 GPA while doing all of her studying for the semester during happy hour at Olive Branch. Word spread quickly among Rutgers
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
students about Angelica's stunning application. "Angie is such a bitch. She tries to look so much better than the rest of us even though she drinks just as much as we do. I love her so much," claims her best friend, Kate Letswin. Angelica's Burger King application (now referred to as "The Gift") has been distributed to all of the Burger King managers as an example. "I didn't understand what most of the words meant, but I couldn't help but cry a little when I read the part about her loving the stove and grill like a family," stated Burger King Executive Mike Bassfender.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
The essay was filled with phrases such as "energetically aspirational", "communicative management," and "very desperate", to describe Angelica and the ways she was going to "make Burger King great again". Some are saying Angelica's enticing composition is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature of all time, even compared to revered classics such as Captain Underpants, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and The Kama Sutra. "The essay was so incredible, I thought that just maybe this young lady was actually a competent person who didn't realize she was applying to
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Darcy Ritt Features Editor Aly Grindall
a Burger King. We can't have our food coming out quickly, correctly, or with a smile, so I had no choice. I didn't hire her," DiScorpio muttered while finishing a box of Girl Scout cookies. "Yeah, I was pretty pissed off when I heard I didn't get my dream job. I guess it happens to most of us," Angelica explained. "But I spent three hours on it, which is harder than I've worked on anything in my whole life. Oh well. I guess I'll go to my second choice, Starbucks, and tell them in a three-thousandword story about how I spiked their coffees to get me through college." Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Eel Matterhorn
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my roommate for completing a hat trick (three different girls, three consecutive nights).
Wednesday, March 9th, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“LONG LIVE 2006 PUNK ROCK”
ALUMNI ARE THE FUCKING BEST
YOU CAN GAZE INTO THE FUTURE
Break Fast
WHOREOSCOPES
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA
Oh waffle, waffle. Wherefore art thou waffle? Deny thy healthy breakfast food, refuse thy accessibility to waffle iron...
Although we don’t unite often, meeting you for breakfast dates is just as magical today as it was when we met in the early 90s. I first encountered your infamous eggo waffle avatar at breakfast before a yellow bus came to pick me up for my first day of kindergarten. The memory of dulcet and redolent syrup that ran over your carby, crispy exterior makes me pine for you.
Your versatility amazes. Fruits, butter, chocolate chips, whipped cream, ice cream, and sometimes even the savory deep fried delicacies are so compatible with your fluffy goodness. You carry yourself with such panache that would go great with chocolate ganache.
I feel an abysmal darkness resonating through my soul when I’m told “Sorry ma’am, we only have pancakes today, would you like coffee with that?”
However when we do meet, it makes the experience that much more unforgettable. You are my panacea for anything. My happiness. My joy. My hope. You’ve been breakfast of choice from day 1. Thank you for being my everything.
SHRUBBERY OF THE WEEK
Aries – You feel a sense of courage coming. Or maybe that’s just the last shot of tequila coming in. Whatever it is, you know the drill. Get. Fucking. SCHWASTED! Spring Break only comes once a year so you better not be a total pussy and not take another shot and then probably end up throwing up an hour later! Taurus – Dammnnn. You’re looking fine today. With those big thick arms, and that tuft of hair on your torso. Oh man. You cow boys always get me going. How about you take one of your mighty hooves and tread on me down there ;). Gemini – Don’t be so surprised about anal tonight. Just give it a go, you might actually enjoy it you know. Remember to use lube, and be sure to be vocal. It’s a huge turn on. AND DEAR GOD POOP BEFOREHAND. Cancer – Honestly, what did you expect from your life? You’re literally a cancer. And not the curable-into-a-superhero kind like the one Deadpool has. Well don’t worry about it, accept it, hug your mom, hug your dog, and set out in life and do something fucking great. Go find a cure for a disease, start a revolution, or just make your significant other extra happy today. I believe in you. Leo – Screw the haters. No one should be bossing you around, trying to corner you into something, or just trying to pressure you into something else. Go out and shine like a star, because you’re fucking priceless. Virgo – You’re going to cry today. It might be happy or sad, or it might just be from finishing Undertale or watching Up again. Seriously, stop what you’re doing and just watch it again. But yeah, find a stuffed animal or a comforting human body and embrace it, because darling today is a perfect day for you to let out some tears. Sagittarius- John is about to become a large figure in your life. Focus all your energy on kissing up to him.
WHERE? Livingston Campus
Capricorn- You are entering your 80’s phase. Break out your Tears for Fears cassettes, neon leg warmers, and denim jacket, you’re sure to be the gnarliest dude/tte on campus.
RATINGS Overall: 10/10 Visual Circumference: 9/10 Foliageness: 10/10 Libra- Your spiritual energy is being drained by all the haters in your life. You should try becoming more likeable. Scorpio- Remember that indifferent shrug you gave a stranger who said hello on the street? Sleep with one eye open.
Pisces- Listen to your Shaman when he tells you that evil spirits are eating away at your soul. You should consult your local exorcist, or at least get checked for chlamydia. Aquarius- You are working your way to burning that nagging bridge in your life. Unfortunately, it is guarded by a troll that will demand your first born.
DEMOGRAPHICS CORNER
Pornhub: Most Searched Term By Campus
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OPINIONS
“You ever notice Barchi always makes that face? Yeah, like that, but sadder.”
YES, BUT ONLY IF YOU INCLUDE YOUR BROTHER
Rutger’s Newark is just as good BY ARMANDO PEREZ
Hi guys. I am armando perez and I am a english major at Rutger’s Newark. I am here to tell you that Rutger’s Newark is just as good or if not better than Rutger’s Newbrunswick. 1st of all. From historical perspective, the city of newark was founded in 1666, but RU-newbrunswick wasn’t founded until 1766 which is 100 years later. So technically RU-nEwark is in an older city. Also did you know that Ruther’s Newbrunswick was originally called Queen’s college. But if you look up “queen’s college” online it says queen’s College was founded actually in 1937 so theres that. They’re sports teams are even called the Knights, which means that the REAL rutghers’-Newbrunswick actually moved to Queen’s, Newyork. And now there are the academics. Simply put students in the buisiness School have their ID’s say “newark & Newbrunswick” so therefore newark must be AT LEAST AS GOOD as Newbrunswick. But wait armando, what about LAw school you ask? Well. Rutger’s Newark has a national ranked law school. Rutger’s-newbrusnwcik does not. Also you need to talk about sports. So rutger’s new bruns wick has the scarlet knight’s and they claim to be the “birth place of football.” But the NFL is head quartered in Newyork City and newark is a lot closer. Therefore the original rutgers’ team went on to become the RUTGER’S NEWARK SCARLET RAIDER’S, nOT THE SCARLET KNIGHT’S. SO THERE YOU HAve it, rutger’s Newrak is clearly AT LEAST ASGOOD as rutger;s-Newbrunswick. Or maybe better. Thank you for reading my essay.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Are Your Spring Break Plans? “The same thing I do every night, Anderson -- try and take over the world!” Donald J. Trump Dirty Rat
“Finish installing my sex dungeon in Beck Hall.”
Robert “Bob” Barchi Nobody of Particular Importance
“Befriend a Muslim.” Bronwen Goldberg Diversity Diva
Wednesday, March 9th 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
LOOK MOM, THEY’RE WRESTLING!
Bring Back Bullying BY JOYCE PRICE
I recently took my kids to see that new “Zootopia” movie -- rated PG. I had heard it got great reviews and felt that it might be a great way for my daughter, Chloe, to have fun with her friends after Field hockey practice. When we got to the theater, first thing I saw was a bunch of people in animal suits. Thinking they were theater employees, I told the kids to pose for a picture; however I was told that I was “patronizing them” and “being insensitive to their culture.” An odd thing for an employee to say. One of them even sounded like Betty [McMillan]’s son, Jackson. You know, the one that dropped out of Rowan? I went to take off his mascot head he screamed that he was “maimed” and ran off. After consulting with the other moms and a little work on Wikipedia, it turns out that these kids are something called “furries” and apparently dress in animal suits for sexual reasons. I had no idea “Zootopia” was a porno! These kids truly believe that they are actual animals. They go around with fake ears and tails, calling themselves “tri-gender Pyrofoxes” or something. We never had people parading around like forest critters when I was growing up. We all knew how to act in public! The other mothers and I to thinking and we realized that these misguided kids were all our fault. For years, parents waged a war on bullying. We said that everyone is their own special snowflake. What we never realized was, exactly how creepy some of these snowflakes can be. We have kids these days calling themselves “wolves”, “gender-fluid”, and even “democrats;” all things that bullying forced us to abandon! Sure: some adults say bullying gave them irreversible mental scars; at least they are not dressing up as frogs and meeting up to hump people in pig suits. Getting bullied taught us that society has rules, and there are horrible consequences for breaking them. That’s why the other moms and I have started the Mothers Inciting Legitimate Force (M.I.L.F.), which reminds kids that sometimes, they’ll need to be bullied into being normal.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
ARTS
Wednesday March 9th, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“If you sit on my face, I’ll eat my way to your heart.”
“POKEMON DEBATES” BY GOLDIELOCKS
“TERRY SCHIAVO” BY MIKE SCHIAVO
“AY CA-ROOMBA” BY SENOR GONORRHEAZ
JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. WE DON’T REQUIRE RATIO... ...BUT IT WOULD BE NICE
“SPRING BRAKE” BY SUE DENIMM
DICK OF THE PAGE: MY ROOMMATE
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PERSONALS
the Medium
“Sometimes slave owners allowed their slaves to come into the house!”
Meninists
Stop.
My boyfriend looks like a leprechaun.
You know when you hate a girl but you also want your approval but only so yo can get close to her and hate her even more.
(Make him say “give me the pot of gold!” before he goes down on you.) I want to hate fuck a Busch meninist. (Meninists don’t deserve sex, they deserve to be burned at the stake.) Cory Booker for president! (Cory MATTHEWS for president! #BoyMeetsWorld) How do I tell my friend’s boyfriend that he’s a racist? (Tell him that he’s an offensive and racially biased piece of shit and then explain what each of those words mean because racists are uneducated enough to begin with.) (Update: Landen is Jewish. But like, not REAL Jewish ya know?) I’m sick of checking my privilege, I love being a white male. (Hello, Trump. Thanks for reading The Medium!)
Brangelina
Wednesday, March 9h, 2016
(Yes this is basically how all girls think. Every. Single. One.) What’s the point of this page when YikYak exists? (So that stupid millenials like you can actually look at something without a screen. And also because I need to feel important as editor of this page.) Fuck that Donald Trump looking motherfucker who runs Woody’s. (Are you upset because he didn’t butter your muffin?)
SAME Angry Kid My suitmate’s bed is really messy, I want to brown bag a piece of dog shit and put it on his bed and see how long it takes for him to find it. (I don’t think he’ll even notice. He’ll just sleep on it without worries because men are gross slobs.) I use the Targum as toilet paper.
POLL
SAME Angry Kid
The Business School IT department is the most useless piece of shit I have ever encountered. How the fuck do you spend $4 million on technology and then have every single printer not work? Or the fact you have an entire lab on the MZ floor but there is never a single fucker sitting at the table there? That printer is known by the entire school to never work, yet there is never one of you shits ever there. I don’t get what you’re even paid to do? Jostle around a projector and then tell the professor, “Oh yeah, seems like it’s broken. Sorry.” And which idiot thought of having swivel-type monitors but then restraining them with wires and zipties so they are always crooked would be a great feature for the students to have to deal with? (That’s what you get for being a fucking nerd.)
Slob Knob The personals editor will definitely slob on your knob for personals. (I’m a slut for personals, sorry not sorry.)
What if you got married but your husband was actually assigned by the CIA to kill you when the time is right.
(Yeah, but so does the Targum EIC and the entire staff so you’re not really that special.
(I bet you thought you were real clever for thinking of this. Too bad this is like basically the plot to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Dumb ass.)
Please kill me.
When I go to the bathroom in my dorm I occassionally hear someone else jerking off in the stall next to me. It’s creepy.
(Idk man. How much does this job pay? And does it offer health benefits?)
(You say creepy, but maybe that’s his kink. Don’t kink shame, insensitive jerk.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
What should I do today? A. Hate fuck a meninist B. Jump out my window C. Endorse Trump Give me validation by voting on twitter: @PersonalsRU
@ Woody’s
Fullest House
I fucking go to fucking Woody’s and they have this new fucking policy of “must have a center of the meal item.” So I go up to this Donald Trump looking fucker and I say, “Hey bud, you have no blueberry muffins but blueberry crumbcake, the muffin counts as a center of the meal item, does the crumb cake?” And this motherfucker looks at me like I’m his retarded neighbor that just fucked his cat and he says, “No you idiot, that’s dessert.” How the fuck are you going to call that not an acceptable item when a muffin is? THEY’RE THE SAME FUCKING THING, SAME FLAVOR, SAME INGREDIENTS, MAYBE ONE HAS CRUMBS ON TOP, BUT THAT’S IT. FUCK YOU DONALD TRUMP WOODY’S GUY, YOU CAN GO CHOKE ON A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN.
Mayonnaise is not a good lubricant. And neither is horseradish. (Duh. You have to use watered down honey mustard. Damn amateur.) Stephanie Tanner is a fucking hoe. (Well that’s not right. Michelle Tanner is a hoe. Stephanie is a thot.) I hate feet and toes and toenails. What kind of vengeful God would give us these nasty things to deal with??) (Even Satan has a purpose.) I finally feel like the personals editor likes me. (I’m not usually one to tell people that their feelings are wrong, but I’m making an exception this time.) Hey. To that Asian engineer I saw in MSE. Just wanted to let you know, I think you’re cute. Hmu. Shy White Kid. (Bull shit. White people don’t get shy. They don’t know shame.) My roommate thinks he’s better than me because he drinks water. (Well he’ll probably live longer than you so I agree, he’s better than you. And you’re gonna die.) I’m so stressed about my job interview I haven’t pooped in four days. (When you end up pooping right in the middle of your interview, let me know. But good luck!!)
PAGE A7
Wednesday March 9nd 2016 themedium.a7@gmail.com
“Enjoy the spring break...and the STDs you get during it!“
THEM HAIRY LEGS AREN’T FOR NOTHING Humans
Evolve to Endure Sub-Freezing Weather in Basketball Shorts
BY ALLERGIC TO DOGS QWERTY ALTERNATIVE
NEW BRUNSWICK-- Until recently, the number of young males wearing shorts in freezing-cold weather was baffling. Pioneering anatomists have arrived at a working theory behind how all around campus, the young men always sporting earbuds and fraternity letters instinctively don basketball shorts and idly bump to their sick beats whilst the rest of us stare at them with horror. “As a member of the public I had to wonder, ‘Don’t their genitalia become cold and either shrivel up into their bodies or atrophy completely due to frostbite?’” explained Dr. Tess T. Cull, the preeminent researcher in Fuckboys who published her findings. “Fuckboys simply have no spermsack at all. Recent, totally legitimate, studies show that this condition is known as ‘Noballscleosis’ and is seen
increasingly in Fuckboys to help defend them from the harsh university campus environment, keeping them looking somewhat comfortable in the coldest of temperatures. Part of the adaptation is an inflated amount of machismo, which lets them continue through the cold weather despite their visible shivering and goosebumps. This adaptation is not all good, however, as it leads to such symptoms as: flakiness, the overuse of the word ‘bro’, and complete failure in gaining a fulfilling relationship.” Research in private conversations by the NSA shows that the phrases “send nudes” and “haha and then what” are the two most-sent text messages in American college campuses. Sociologists say that “one in ten attendees at any given college could be affected”, meaning that even those you know and trust could in fact be gonad-less saps. This is great news for girls on campus though, since it has become increasingly easy to spot a Fuckboy. Just look for a backwards hat, a longboard, and of course, shorts.
the Medium
BROWN SAD BY OTHER BROWN ...Senior Severly Disapointed by Moe’s Monday
continued from News
the worker for some queso he replied, ‘That’ll be extra.’” Shah then had to take a few moments from his conversation to excuse himself as he dropped his head into the palms of his hands. From the rest of the interview with Shah, reporters understood he was only given roughly a teaspoon of queso for a shocking amount of $1.20 extra, in direct contradiction of the “any burrito” as advertised by Moe’s. To add further dissatisfaction for Shah, Moe’s had only provided him with approximately seven full-sized tortilla chips and salsa that could be described as a rotten slurry of tomatoes and jalapeños. Shah added later, “Why did I even get my hopes up? It’s Rutgers. Nearly everything that has happened to me here has been a half-assed ‘oh, cool’ at best. Well at least I have gone to all of the Mexicanthemed restaurants on campus, the others being College Ave ’s Currito Burritos Without Borders with it’s chalk-flavored tofu and Livingston Plaza’s Qdoba, which is always overpriced.” The senior seemingly forgot about the existence of Douglass Cafe and its subpar food.
PROTECT DEEZ NUTZ
...University to Replace Service Dogs with Honey Badgers
continued from News
sorority members,” said Copps in a Sunday press conference. “We realized something had to change.” The organization got to pondering a new pick for a seeing eye animal. Copps explains that they first considered cats, but after realizing that cats are “essentially the devil himself reincarnated,” they turned to a slightly less-terrifying animal: the Mellivora capensis, more commonly known as the honey badger. “Natives of Africa, Southwest Asia, and the Indian subcontinent, these mammals may be small in stature, but should not be underestimated,” says Dale Turdman, a wildlife specialist at Rutgers New Brunswick. “Their main attack defense is to go straight for the testes of their victims, which we unfortunately found out the hard way during the trial run of the seeing-eye honey badgers last week,” said Turdman. Freshman Chemical Engineering Major Ryan Teegan was riding the bus to his 8:00a.m. class last Thursday morning when he heard a growling noise behind him. He turned around, making direct eyecontact with one of the creatures. “I turned around to see what was behind me, and before I knew it, this maniacal animal had a kung-fu mouth-hold on my nuts,” recounted Teegan from his hospital bed. Due to the extremely cramped nature of the bus, the other passengers did their best to crowd-surf him to safety, but their efforts were unfortunately futile. Local paramedics deemed Teegan sterile on the spot. Despite the fact that a total of four students were injured in the pelvic region during the weeklong trial period, The Seeing Eye says that they stand firm in their decision to move forward with the seeing-eye honey badgers. “They prove advantageous in several ways when compared to the dogs,” says Copp. “For example, honey badgers have a keen sense of smell and are primarily guided by pheromones. Frat boys with man buns have been proven to emit extremely pungent musk clouds, which the honey badgers will detect immediately and strike. We are willing to risk the deaths of a few more students if that means weeding out douchebags, while also helping those in need of a service animal.”
Are you 40 years old with a burning prostate problem? Well, that sounds terrible and we can’t help you with that, but we can invite you to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8 p.m. in the RSC.
March 9th 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com AT LEAST THEY CAN SAY THEY WENT OUT WINNERS
RUTGERS QUITS WHILE AHEAD, FORGOES BIG TEN BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF LEAST FAVORITE CHILD
P I S C A T A W AY — R u t g e r s men's basketball earned its first Big Ten win Saturday, defeating the University of Minnesota 75-52. Rutgers had gone winless in the conference this season before beating the Golden Gophers on Senior Night at the RAC. "We want to go out on a win," said new Rutgers Athletic Director Patt Hobbs. "We know we'll get killed in the conference tournament, so why embarrass ourselves?" Since last season, the Scarlet Knights were on a 32-game conference losing streak. Their last Big Ten win was against the University of Wisconsin, who decided to be nice and sit their best player. "We're proud of our performance. This is the way
not "remember shit about this horrible season". Hobbs further explained the benefits of foregoing the rest of the season. "We figured this would kickstart the rebuild. Now we can get Jordan the hell out of here immediately. And it's nice to show recruits we ended the season on a win." Rutgers was scheduled to play Wednesday against the University of Nebraska, a game fans and students will no longer get to see. "Wait, we have a OH HAPPY DAY basketball team?" said SAS Rutgers men's basketball finally won a B1G game, and now it's time to freshman Abigail Henson. celebrate Hobbs and Jordan style. "And they made the playoffs? I'm confused." we want to send our seniors fired anyway. Fuck it." Sources say players will out," said head coach Eddie When reminded his team Jordan. "We know Minnesota lost to Minnesota over two spend the offseason "relaxing" sucks balls too, but I don't weeks ago, Jordan said he and "looking for another give a shit. Hey, I'm gonna get "was piss drunk" and does school to transfer to".
Area man still suffering from Linsanity
BY THE NUMBERS
BY BUD COLLINS WANNABE HE WAS A LEGEND
20
34
Total hairs on a Rutgers swimmer's body
Games the Phillies might be able to win but probably not
7
2
Fucks given after Rutgers finally won a B1G basketball game
Number of "By the Numbers" this semester. Woo!
BAYONNE, NJ—Linsanity swept the nation and took the world by storm for a brief moment in 2012, but one man is sitll caught up in the hype. "I can't move on," said Bayonne's Dom DiNicco. "I'm a die hard Knicks fan. I just can't forget those glorious moments. Jeremy Lin shined bright for about a month for the New York Knicks, energizing a downtrodden fanbase. Lin's run ended, though, after sitting in the playoffs due to injury. He then left the Knicks for the Houston Rockets during free agency. Just like that, Linsantiy had ended. "It didn't end for me. I still follow him," said DiNicco. "I even have his move. Linsanity. I watch it every week. I can't get enough. I just want him back."
Wiping while Sitting SINCE 1970
DiNicco, married with three children, worked sanitation for 15 years until filing for disability in the summer of 2012. "When Lin left, he just couldn't handle it," said his wife Tammy. After realizing he wrote in "a strong case of Linsanity" on his form, DiNicco's insurance stopped paying disability. "The insurance company found out in about a month," said his wife. "He was a good worker. He made good money. Now he just lays on the couch and I work three jobs. It's been four years!" DiNicco says there are "tens" of people worldwide who still suffer. "I just lay here all day and think of what was and what could've been. I just can't function anymore without him. What's there to live for?"