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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XVIII
50¢
April 10th, 2013
RICE, RICE, BABY
FIRED BASKETBALL COACH TO PURSUE LIFE LONG PASSION OF SYMPHONIC HARP PLAYING BY SUM DUM JOO EDITOR IN CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK--While former Men’s Basketball coach Mike Rice Jr. may not be stepping onto the court any time soon, he may step onto a new playing field: the orchestra pit. Rice, who was terminated on Friday after a public outcry in reference to a video showing him physically abusing players forced him out of office, will now return to his home in Little Silver, New Jersey and dust off his harp, an instrument he has played since his youth. “The harp calms me the fuck down,” said Rice in an interview Monday. “I haven’t had the chance to play since these dipshits at Rutgers asked me to take on the Head Coach position.” The harp, a multi-stringed instrument played upright, is known for its soft melodic sounds, often used to calm listeners in sonatas and choral odes. “I identify with the harp. I feel
QUICKIES
Student participating in dance marathon infected by the sound; hepatitis
"Rutgers Butt-Grabber" adds 'e' to his name, moves to Montana Basketball wondering what it did wrong
like- SHIT MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT PIECE OF SHIT,” said Rice as he broke yet another of the instrument’s many strings by pulling on it too hard. “I am glad Mike is doing something constructive,” said
NEWS IN PICTURES
Interim Basketball coach Walter Jones. “I recall hearing him hum Strauss’s Etude in C in between long strings of curse words directed at players during daily practices.” Continued on Page 2
Seniors preparing melancholy playlists and 'crying faces' for upcoming graduation Targum wins Pulitzer Prize for abstract 'blank front page'
KISS MY CLASS
Kansas City Chiefs Trade Number Professor Concerned About Too One Draft Pick For Salisbury Steak; Many Students Attending Class: Side of Coleslaw "What are They Doing? Don't
They Have Lives?"
BY BUBBLY TOES STAFF WRITER
FROM THE CITY OF BROTHERLY BLUB Andy "Cheesesteak" Reid takes a much needed breath between sentences as he measures the size of his appetite.
NEW BRUNSWICK --A new trend is spreading at Rutgers like the new grass seed on College Avenue: student attendance to class has grown exponentially over the past three weeks, and professors are in shock and awe. As of now no explanations have been made for the odd occurrence, which has completely thrown off professors who are used to teaching only a fraction of their students. Psychology Professor Robert Rockway is among those who are extremely nervous about the growing attendance. “Do they not smoke weed at their frat houses and day drink on the quad...? Pussies,” Rock-
We're Still Here
ESTABLISHED 1970
way said. But underneath his slipshod tone, his worries go deeper. “If students start attending classes, their social lives will suffer tremendously. Student morale will be down, and stress will go up, and that all leads to one thing... suicide.” Rockway’s hypothesis of class attendance leading to suicide has been studied extensively at other universities such as Cornell, where the ratio of students to students-hit-by-trains is particularly high. The theory attracting the most attention, however, is one from Penn State, which associates students’ shame in the wake of a scandal as the cause for them Continued on Page 2
the Medium
NEWS
“Rutgers Review, it wasn't us."
BOOBS NEVER GROW OLD
ARE THEY GONE YET?
"Who's a Handsome Boy?" Woman Asks Toddler Who Will Grow Up to Be a Rapist
News Vans Have Paranoid Student Panicked
BY LIL' BIT MANAGING EDITOR
RENTON, NJ--While standT ing in the grocery checkout line, local woman Jessie Vaughn couldn't help but gush over an infant in line in front of her who, unbeknownst to her, would one day grow up to become a savage rapist. "You are just as cute as a freaking button!" Vaughn cooed to the baby who would one day force his penis inside a woman. Vaughn reportedly continued to pay compliments to the child's mother, gushing over everything from her son's adorably wide eyes which would one day be vacant and unfeeling, to his small socks and hat. The toddler reportedly smiled in response, also oblivious to the violence and misogyny his tiny evil brain would one day be filled with. At one point the baby grabbed onto Vaughn's outstretched finger, adorably foreshadowing the
BY BROSEPH STALIN FEATURES EDITOR
This little handful can't wait to get his hands full.
moment in his adult life where he would grab a woman who was a stranger to him and have non-consensual sex with her. "He's going to be a real lady killer when he grows up!" She exclaimed with absolutely no trace of irony. "You'd better tell all the girls to watch out for this one!" she added.
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COLLEGE AVE--Last Wednesday, SAS student David Danner barricaded himself into his room, refusing to let anyone in. He was heard shouting, "They'll never take me alive!" and, "They're fucking out to get me, oh God, they're going to steal my brain," before ceasing all communication. Authorities were notified of the barricade when Danner's roommate, Austin Avery, found himself locked out of his own room. "I knocked on the door asking to be let in, because he's usually in the room, but all I heard was him shouting something about spy vans in the street. When I tried to get an RA to open it, she couldn't. We had to get the campus police to try and force it down, but it wouldn't budge. Our windows were also blacked out. I dunno man, dude's fucked up."
CLASSY STUDENTS suddenly attending classes. “Dude, I just felt like a piece of shit after the whole Sandusky thing. Learning blows, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it,” said Penn State junior Kyle Roberts. Last Tuesday, Professor Matthew Ramsey was shocked to discover that his Media Systems class was full. The professor, not expecting all the students, scurried to create a lesson plan instead of showing a movie like he had for the previous three weeks. “I had to utilize the attention
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
Their eyes are watching. Always watching.
It was concluded that Danner's panic attack was triggered by the news vans that had appeared across campus to cover the Mike Rice scandal when they were mistaken for FBI spy vans. Officials have spent the last week trying to coerce the young man out of his hole to no avail. As of press time, Danner has been in his room for 8 days and is presumed dead or really gross.
SUGAR, SPICE, AND EVERYTHING RICE As a way to make extra income, and to pay his fines for his behavior as Men’s Basketball coach, Rice has taken a number of pupils. He hopes to create a new generation of harpists to break through into the otherwise flatlining world of classical music. “Oh, he is an excellent teach-
Editorial Staff Spring 2013
Wednesday, April 10th, 2013
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Features Editor Eli Youssef Opinions Editor Devin Baker Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
...continued from front
er,” said Xiang Lu, 14, of Hackettstown. “He has taught me so much and definitely does not whip me with spare B Flat strings.” On top of this, Rice plans to write a song cycle for multiple harps entitled “Robert Barchi Can Suck My Giant Cock in C Minor.” ...continued from front
of the students I had,” said an excited Ramsey of his audience. “I even told them about a new extra credit option, and their faces lit up- this must be how the teacher in ‘Dead Poets’ Society’ must have felt!” he exclaimed. As Rutgers goes through this current scandal, it remains to be seen how the students act and how student opinion of the university will change.
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES. COME FIND OUT WHY BY JOINING THE MEDIUM STAFF. MEETINGS ARE EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 7:30 PM IN THE RSC CAP AND SKULL ROOM.
Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editor Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to "peeping," the act of pooping and peeing simultaneously. Bonus points if the result looks like a leftover yellow Easter peep!
FEATURES
Wednesday, April 10th, 2013
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“It’s cold and dark and I miss my family.”
A PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
TIME WASTERS Ever find yourself bored with nothing to do? Here are some hobbies you can pick up that’ll keep you entertained for ages. 1) Collecting bottle caps
2) Professional bear wrestling
8) Hunting down and exacting revenge upon that snot-nosed kid that betrayed you in 3rd grade.
3) Alcoholism
9) Solving world hunger
4) Curing cancer
10) Doing charity work for homeless blind orphans who have lost their legs in ‘nam.
5) Studying 6) Thinking about studying 7) Juggling
11) Inventing your own language 12) Facebook
CUTE THING OF THE WEEK The Medium supports members of the food industry and the fair treatment of employees. To help spread awareness, we have distributed a particular article by a particular American to all food establishments that have ever existed in the world, ever. We also have a hundred more copies of the article waiting, in envelopes, in case any new restaurants open up anytime soon.
HELP US FIND OUR FEATURES EDITOR AND/OR SUBMIT YOUR IDEAS TO THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
SHAPES WITH THE MEDIUM
Community Poll
Dr. Suess Bros Out
By: Broseph Stalin Features Editor
By Supa Krupa Troopa
One bong, Two bong, Red bong, Blue bong, This one has a little weed. This one has a little speed. Say! I hope you are ready for my seed. Some are big and some are small, And some are very, very tall. Why are they big and small and tall? I don’t fucking know, go ask your bro. You can share with your bros, You can share with your hoes, A water bong could work, I suppose. You can take a hit and not give a shit. Keep in mind, frat bros will never quit. Some have two grams and some have four. Some have six grams, do you want a s’more? You can get high and think you can fly, Frat bros will always crave pie. Munchies from here, munchies from there, So you got some bacon to spare?
NUMBERS WITH THE MEDIUM
3
Shot glasses of random people’s spit a poor tipper consumes per meal.
BROETRY
27
Basketballs thrown with malice in the past week
23%
Of this page is colored
77%
of this page is white.
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, April 10th 2013
“I touched cape girl’s cape. It was so soft.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
POLITICAL SCANDALS
BY MIKE RICE I am getting pretty from the damn football tired of everyone feeling team. They are the reason sorry for these basketball why no one goes to our players. Ever since this games. Students didn’t “incident” took the Uni- even know Rutgers had a versity by storm, people basketball team until this have just been going story broke. nuts. These are grownMy methods of ass men who don’t need coaching may seem a bit to be comforted by the unorthodox but I have a public. My question is, what about my feelings? “That is why I I was fired last week and am now unstarted throwemployed, which blows ing fully pumped big time. The economy basketballs at my sucks, so who knows when I will be able to player’s heads.” find another job? Did you all know that I was eligible for a $100,000 reason for this. I got it all bonus for finishing out from this Russian basketthe season? I could have ball coaching book that I bought harder shoes to bought before the season. kick my players with or a It said to always be a dick microphone to make my and be as aggressive as voice sound even more possible to your players. obnoxious. The book also mentioned The truth is, I am not that I should use guttural a monster. I just wanted noises whenever I can my basketball team to in order to put fear into succeed and finally take the eyes of the students. some of the spotlight If they don’t know what
BY THE GHOST OF MARGARET THATCHER Now that I am dead, that one time when I came I believe it is time for over to the US to speak everyone to know the to him about some Comtruth about the real Mar- munist stuff or somegaret Thatcher. If my 87 thing. Ronald looked me years on this earth have dead in the eye and just taught me anything, it’s took me right then and that people need to clean there on his desk in the their slate before they die. Oval Office. He passed Well, I kind of missed the his legislation through boat on that one but now my chamber if you know that I have been reincar- what I mean. We knew nated as a ghost I can tell we had to keep it a secret. you all: I had an affair From then on we with Ronald Reagan. kept at it, usually switchI know, it’s hard ing locations between to believe but what do America and the UK. you expect? Ronald is a People may look down very handsome man. He on us for doing the dirty had that jet black hair but it made for good polwith shoulders to die itics. How do you think for. Just thinking about we got anything accomhim makes my dentures plished? The personal all moist. I wish I could relationship that I had have gotten in a quickie with Ronald improved before he passed away and so did our two nayears ago. Oh well. tions. I’m sure Hillary It all happened so Clinton did the same fast and unexpectedly. thing while she was SecOur affair actually lasted retary of State. Why do for many years, taking you think she quit? She place while we both were probably couldn’t handle in office. I still remember anymore of that D.
From Underscoring to Underemployed: What About My God-damn Feelings? you’re saying, they’ll be scared out of their minds and have to do better. I also watched the movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story,” you know the one with Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller? That scene when the coach in the wheelchair was throwing wrenches at his players gave me the inspiration to instruct the way that I did. This is why I started throwing fully pumped basketballs at my players’ heads. I mean, they gotta get their head in the game somehow. Am I right? All I’m saying is that people should look at all of the aspects of a story before pointing fingers. It’s not always about the “victims.” Sometimes it’s about the victimizer or whatever you want to call me. If you guys got to know me, then you’d realize I’m only a prick while coaching.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
You know you want to put me on BY BOOTY SHORTS
Have you noticed the weather lately? Because it’s starting to get nice and hot! Guess what that means! BOOTY SHORTS! HELL YEA! You know you wanna show off that hot slice of meat known as your ass. You need to give those boys a reason to talk to you. Guys don’t date personalities from
what I can tell. Jeans are so out of style now. If you put me on you won’t regret it, I swear. Don’t you just hate having to wake up in the morning and taking a good 10 minutes just to put on a pair of jeans? That must be the most annoying thing in the world. It takes about 10 seconds to slip me on. It’s a win-win situation! C’mon, have some fun!
Don’t even think about switching it up BY SKINNY JEANS
Just because spring is finally upon us does not mean you should just jump the gun and put on shorts. Have you shaved your legs recently? From what I have felt, I don’t think you have. Also, have you seen your skin? It’s whiter than white rice. I’ve seen gingers with darker skin than you. Go to the tanning salon first and then you can stop using me. You are just not ready for the warmer weather, girl. Your calves are looking weak, you thighs are looking chunky, and your ass is looking flat. A month or two at the gym would do you some good. Until then, keep on wearing me. Don’t worry, you’ll still look good. Wear a pushup bra or something so people won’t be looking at your legs.
I Had An Affair with Ronald Reagan
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What was your favorite part about Dance Marathon this weekend? “The dancing part!” Kathleen Britter, Exhausted Dance Major
“The part where pools of sweat came dripping out of my body.” Jimothy Draco, Meteorology Junior
“When I got to pretend like I care about these kids in need.” Wilson Chibs, Pre-Med Frat Bro
Wednesday, April 10h, 2013
ARTS “I notice you!”
STEAK DINNER
YOU LIKE GAME OF THRONES, RIGHT?
SUPERVILLAIN
GRAFFITI
RARITAN MONSTER SIGHTED
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Location: Livingston Campus
PERSONALS
the Medium WHEELS GO ROUND
Wednesday, April 10th 2013
“I’m secretly afraid of Little Big Planet”
DRESS CODE
I sat in the front of a REXB and the bus driver asked if I liked movies about gladiators, that made my day
To the fat girl who was wearing the purple skirt on Wednesday: you are fat and gross and those clothes were never meant to be worn by you. Your (If any of our readers do not cellulite ass was hanging get the reference that this out and I nearly vomited bus driver is making, I am ashamed to have you as loy- (Cellulite? That is so hot man. Son of a bitch I’m getal fans.) ting so horny right now. To the asshole who spilled Hey you, hand me that yohis coffee all over the LX gurt cup so I can fuck it.) on Thursday, my fucking shoes are sticky as shit Finally spring is here! thanks to your douche- Booty shorts and cleavbaggery. I hope you next age!! caramel roast burns your (Chill your dick bro. You damn face off. should be getting excited (Oh no, sticky shoes! Damn when the booty shorts come bro, I guess this is it. Throw off, not on.) away your old pair and get some new non-stick shoes. To all campus sluts, Don’t bother using soap thanks to your low ridand water, who’s got time ers and tube tops I’ve got chronic sweatpants for that?) boner. But who am I kidTo the douchebag couple ding? I love you sluts. I making out on the EE ...I love you about as much hope you get hit by a bus as I love masturbating. you’re disgusting. Well, actually I love them about the same. (Interesting. They’re making out, probably going to (Sluts tend to not wear as have sex later, and you are much clothes as other peowriting a personal about it. ple and your hand is basiI guess you’re the winner in cally naked most of the time. Think about it.) this situation, huh?)
WHICH KOREA? About the helicopters on Douglass last Thursday, there is some serious shit going down here. Is North Korea gonna go red dawn on us or something? (I think if North Koreans saw New Brunswick, even they would say, “Wow, what a shithole.”) I think I just invaded Korea... If you know what mean ; ) CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!? (So I guess that getting past the DMZ wasn’t that tough.) North Korea is a great restaurant! I give it 6 out of 5 stars! It’s just really weird when they give me live food and expect me to kill it with my bare hands. What kind of communist do you think I am? (I suppose you your meat ...red? hohohohohohohhoh.)
like ho-
WHAT’S THIS THEN? Hey did you guys find my joke in the Classifieds of The Daily Medium? Yeah, no you didn’t, because no one sent in the answer. Last week’s joke was “How do you know if it’s raining cats and dogs?” The punchline was “You step in a poodle.” Don’t think thats funny? Neither do I. This week’s joke is “What’s Kelly short for?” send your answer and personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com.
CHICKS
C-
Whenever a girl sits next to me on the bus I pretend that she is into to me and I smile at her and then at the next stop she changes seats. One day though.
To my expos professor, I could write your five page bullshit paper about how much I hate you for making work at a computer on such a beautiful day. It’s a shame though because no words of any kind or language exist that can express my bitter loathing of you, you cranky old fogey
(Dude you have to do a better job of letting her know that you’re interested. So next time, just go ahead and cop a feel. Works everytime.)
I’m seeing a lot of clowns at rutgers lately. Is the circus in town? Oh wait, For every crazy public it’s just you slutty bitches statement North Korea wearing too much makemakes, five North Kore- up. ans escape and get jobs at a food truck where they (It’s not all that bad. All To all regular rutgers Why do guys think its hot put kimchi in burritos. that lipstick can be a really buses, why the hell do we to wear torn up t-shirts Seriously, no one wants convenient lubricant.) always have to ride you when they go to the gym. either of these things. To the giggling little when there are perfectly They look homeless. (So fugitive North Koreans twerps in Kilmer library. goood cahrter buses with have been making our food? I’m sure that just EVERYsoft, cushiony seats? Seri- (Homeless people must get That explains the barbed ONE wants to hear your ously, sitting on a charter so much pussy.) wire I found in my TexMex incessant gossiping. Wait bus is as comfortable as a minute we DON’T! just the other day.) getting blown by a jet en- To all of you unkempt the hell up and quit findgine. guys, shave your freak- To all the over political ing comfort in spreading little douches, stop talk- rumors. Actually, better (Well then. This personal ing winter beards aling abut north korea. idea, how about you stop certainly took an awkward ready. It’s not sexy and you all should just take its like we have nothing living turn.) a razor to it. It’s not your better to talk about then To every bus that I have friend its body hair and some spazzy chubby kid Real Advertisement got onto today, why the its gross. FUCK are there so many people who don’t shower (You women are just jealous assembled on one vehicle that you don’t have luscious at any given time. my beards. Well, I guess you do. nose is literally about to Your beards must be further south.) explode in disgust. (What you’re smelling is the collective swamp ass of everyone who forgot to stop wearing jeans during the spring. That smell can be just ...intoxicating.) I think I’ve breathed in enough exhaust from rutgers buses to choke an elephant eight times over. Aaaaaand I just coughed my lung onto the keyboard. great.
Why are people still wearing sweat shirts?
(Because your mother is a whore.) To douglass, the last time I saw this many hipster sluts at one time was that Franz Nicolay concert. Fucking sploosh
(I don’t know who Franz Nicolay is, but now that I do, I’m sure every hipster (All aboard the emphysema no longer listens to him.) train!)
(Fogey? Who says that anymore? Hell, what is a fogey? A fish? A bird? Some kind of sex thing? Tell me. I gots to know.)
CAN’T TOUCH THIS I was going to send this message to rutgers confessions. But then I realized I wasn’t a pussy. LONG LIVE THE MEDIUM! (That’s right you sniveling cretins. You think your Rutgers Confessions, Rutgers Crushes, or whatever little Rutgers bullshit will last? No it won’t. You’ll all come crawling back to me. Just you wait. Mwahaha!)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, April 10th 2013
the Medium
“Why don’t you turn that shit around!”
BIG DADDY IS BACK IN BUSINESS Hi kids it’s your favorite physician, Dr. Tossed Salad. This week’s right page is rated G for G-Spot motherfuckas. Let’s just say, kids, that Dr. Tossed Salad knows how to make it rain, and I’m not talking about bad weather or being able to spend lots of money. Anyway, SEND ME PERSONALS, please. ‘Cause I can only only sit here for so long without feeling the need to go get my dick sucked, and the faster I get this done the faster I can get outta here and get to “my” business. Send Personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com And then you can come to our meetings in the Rutgers Student Center from 7:30pm to 8:30pm Wednesday nights in the Cap and Skull Room (4th floor).
CONCERNS
SO DEEP
I have to say I am concerned about this warm weather this week. Now you would think yay warm weather here come the shorty shorts and dresses. But then again it could mean that the leggings and yoga pants are not going to be seen as much, and I dont know how I feel about this. Now with the yoga pants and leggings every girl can be made to look good, they can all make you want to salavate to get a look at the good stuff. While the spring weather brings out the same stuff, it also brings out the bad. Do I wanna see some fat bitch’s legs? Fuck No. This is where the dilemma begins. Id rather just keep the cold so I don’t have to look at this shit. I feel like I am betraying my beliefs that booty shorts are a gift from god. So I hope that, it stays a little colder for a little while longer so I can get my fix.
To all the Acoustic guitar players. Yes, its getting warmer outside. You want to bring your guitar outside? Fine. But if I catch any of you fuckers playing everlong or wonderwall, or playing any song that makes you seem “deep” and “emotional”, i will bash that fucking thing over your head. You are a douchebag, and everyone knows it. Maybe im just angry because no one wants to listen to 80’s shred metal anymore. Or maybe you guys are assholes. I think the second one.
(Preach it, some feelings just change over time.) Why the fuck did all the network news stations show students supporting Pernetti. That fucker tried to cover up what Rice was doing. He says that he couldn’t fire him because of university protocol. But if he had the balls he could have found a way to fire that fuck months ago.
(So I guess you’re against all Phish lovers and deadheads who are going to come out in the upcoming weeks. I say get the fuck over it and buy an ounce and embrace the love with them instead of listening to all your hateful metal music.) To the stupid frat bro who robbed me of my six pack and virginity. I really wish I threw that fucking keg at you. Don’t try talking to me again or my roommate, at the same time. FUCK YOU. PS your penis is small than mine. (If it wasn’t for him being a frat bro and having a small dick, I would have been more pissed about losing the six pack.) I make music, but I also make dreams.
RIDE ME
OUCH YO
IMPORTANT SHIT
My stat professor is so delicious with his comb over and black socks. I love that you wear the same clothes everyday and ride that bike of yours to class with the flower helmet. I WANNA RIDE YOU, BABY.
Damn girl, did you really give me a fake number. Like really you don’t know what you’re going to be missing. And seriously who the fuck does that. You’re not that fine.
RUSA elections are totally bullshit but everyone should vote for Pavel, Stef and Krupa anyway!!!! I LOVE THEM! They want to bake me cheesecakes!
(Haha you poor motherfucker. You would think she (PLEASE PLEASE, ride would do the right thing, him and invite me over to give you her number and just ignore the fuck outta watch.) you.) Whats with all the fuckers longboarding all over Roy Halladay has an ERA the place. Like I under- of 14.73 so far. I know its stand that it’s amazing, only two starts, but it was but some of these people going on all spring. And look so awkward. and he is the Phillies best then I see them doing pitcher. all I can say is the worst thing, riding they are truly in trouble. when its raining or wet outside. Do they not un- (And I’m sure Utley and derstand how bad it is for Howard are not staying their boards! Just stop it, healthy all season.) it hurts to see it. (I’m waiting for one of the new boarders to not know how to footbreak and have to jump off going down College Ave.) Hey girl in my hallway, I know everyone gets to have their fun time once in a while, but did you really need to start moaning really loud throughout Open House? There were parents and their kids there who were on tours and what not. But maybe that’s just what gets you turned on. (That’s how you get them excited about college.)
(Hey, if Dr. Tossed Salad is voting for you, then I’m sure everyone will be.)
FUCK MAN
What the fuck was with that exam. It’s bad enough I have to deal with this bitch professor two times a week. And then I study my ass off only to show up and not know what the fuck is going on. I should have stayed in my room and jerked off. I would have got more accomplished. I feel bad for everyone in my class. I saw there faces during thre texam HELP THEM and afterwards. EveryWhat the fuck is wrong one looked so sad. If the with the Devils lately. point of that exam was to They can’t score a fuck- destroy my confidence, it ing goal, they take stupid did its job. penalties, and they can’t win a fucking shootout. To the Daily Targum, They are such a fucking you’re front and back joke right now. I have pages on monday albeen reduced to thinking lowed for me to express about cheering for the my creative outlet. so i Islanders in the playoffs. drew a bunch of penises The fucking Islanders. covered in shit. I think Someone’s got to step up it’s my best work yet! for them right? (What! How could you (Yours truly Dr. Tossed Sal- cover up that perfection on ad wrote this, and it’s get- the front and back page. It ting fucking embarrassing was the best work they have to watch. Like how many done all year.) shots can you take and not score?)
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Wednesday, April 10th, 2013
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Shakin’
All day er’ry day at 167 Hamilton Party in Jon Kijne’s pants. There’s barely enough room for two. Tonight 7:30pm at Cap N’ Skull room Kickass Medium Meeting Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. Today 12pm at Ruth Dill Johnson Crockett Bldg Everything you need to know about women and health This better up my game.....
Draw on the old fucks and turn this Crap-piece into a Masterpiece! For example:
Friday April 12 8:30am at offcampus locations Pond Design, Management and Maintenance 1. Dig hole 2. Fill with water “What do you mean by you people?”
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