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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
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APRIL 11th, 2012
Volume xliI Issue XXI
CIGARETTES FOR DAYS
A Statement from The Medium
YEARLY BLOOMING OF CIGARETTE TREES BEGIN
What is written below is a serious statement on behalf of the editorial board to clarify information concerning recent events. Unlike the rest of this paper, unless otherwise specified, the statement below is factual and represents the opinions of The Medium's editors and staff.
BY LIL' BIT PERSONALS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— Crowds gathered in New Brunswick’s residential areas Tuesday morning to get a glimpse at the yearly blooming of the cigarette trees. School of Arts and Sciences junior Katie Daniels was among the many who flocked to see this miracle of nature. “I always flick my cigarette butts into this bush before I walk into my house, and today, I was delighted to see a KOOL tree growing outside my stoop, with full packs sprouting off of it,” Daniels told reporters on Tuesday. “If this means I never have to walk to Butler’s for boges again, then this truly is a miracle.” “It’s always so beautiful,”
said resident Michael LaQuon. “Every spring, the red and green packs hang from the trees. It's like Christmas, but with Joe Camel instead of Santa and terminal emphysema instead of fruit cake.” At first, scientists were stumped by the emergence of the tree, whose existence up until recently was thought to be an urban legend.
“An environment of laziness is critical for these plants to flourish, and we’ve certainly seen a lot of that around here in recent years,” speculated local botanist Deb Stryker. “Up until recently, the New Brunswick soil may not have had the correct decomposing-trash-to-feces ratio, a component thought necessary for the little guys to thrive.” Continued on Page 2
THE SITUATION AROUND YOU
RUPD creates "Criminals Around Me" app for smartphone users or otherwise unprepared in the middle of the night, which has NEW GUNSWICK— Are you been the case for the recent uptired making guesses about how tick in student crime incidents. safe it is to walk down Union The RUPD released a statement Street to get a fat sandwich at expressing their sincere hope 1:30 in the morning? A new that Criminals Around Me will iphone app from the Rutgers show students that the late night University Police Dept. can help. situation in New Brunswick is "Criminals Around Me" scans well beyond their control. According to students, the the immediate area relative to the app user for known or sus- app is working. "I was going to swipe this pected local criminals and plots incredibly friendly looking man their location so users can plan their routes around potential with a ski mask into my res hall," crime scenes. Results can also said freshman Kevin McHale. be filtered in case the user is less "But since my app identified worried about being raped than him as a criminal, I decided that I probably shouldn't." they are about being mugged. Many people are alarmed at The goal of the app, accordjust how well the app works. It ing to the RUPD, is to prevent students from walking alone highlights that the crime scene
As everyone on the Rutgers campus knows, The Medium follows the American tradition of parody, satire, and caricature. Virtually every article that appears within our pages and online is designed to entertain and, if we are successful, to satirize the people or events that the article targets. In last week's edition, a parody edition of Aaron Marcus' Targum column followed this approach and perhaps because the parody cut a little close for Marcus' taste, he made statements critical of The Medium and implied that The Medium is part of an anti-Semitic movement on campus. We assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. The article was simply another example of the humor that has made The Medium a Rutgers tradition and upholds the heritage of amusement and farce that has made The Medium the great institution that it is.
QUICKIES
Thousands of sexually active men infected with Trojan viruses
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
"I thought I had protection I could count on," said an anonymous victim. "I didn't even see it coming." in New Brunswick is much worse than originally imagined. RUPD promises that Criminals Around Me won't turn into an invasion of privacy. They have assured that the identities of criminals captured by the app will not be released to local authorities.
Here there be sarcasm ESTABLISHED 1970
Union for union workers of office cleaners of union workers of Union County goes on strike
the Medium
NEWS
“Coach Hines from MAD was THE greatest thing ever to happen to TV. Ever.”
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
ORIENTING
FUCKS AND LEAVES
Horny tree misses another Summer Orientation Staff to do a Better Job Sexually Orichance to woo cute girl enting New Students; Reorienting Freshmen’s Faces BY STUNAMI NEWS EDITOR PROTÉGÉ
BY SQUEAKS MCGEEKS CONTRIBUTING WRITER
COLLEGE AVE— A tree located at the nexus of the College Avenue student center bus stop noticed a cute girl waiting for a bus to Cook Campus. After shuffling its roots for a couple minutes pondering what to do, the girl and her firm tits boarded the bus, never to be seen again. Said the shrubs that enclose the College Ave gym, “I don’t get him, you know? When we chill he’s always talkin’ a big game. My branch-this and my trunk-that. But then when the opportunity comes he just CIGARETTE TREE
...continued from front
Botanists will need to wait in order to determine its exact classification, but since the appearance of the trees five years ago, the different breeds have made homes for themselves all over New Brunswick. “If I had to guess, I would say that from the size and shape of the leaves, this looks like a regular old Palmals cigarette tree,” said Stryker, investigating a tree near The Rutgers Student Center. “An American Spirit cigarette tree would be better suited to the climate of Cook campus.”
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
troublemakers, our new student orientation leaders will be given certain freedoms to maintain balance and order among new students.” Among Bilson’s new initiatives are beatings for uncooperative students, the aversion therapy game show, and ritual chastising as a part of campus tours. Orientation leader Pete McCoy is excited to participate in the updated orientation program. “Everyone has a place at Rutgers,” he said, “And freshmen need to learn theirs.” Bilson spoke to a group of concerned parents last Wed. at an open forum on the subject. “Freshmen are confused and need guidance at this point in their young lives,” he told the crowd, “We are helping them discover who they really are, and what they can ultimately become.” “Within reason.”
COLLEGE AVE— New initiatives in the summer orientation program promise to make the Rutgers student body more balanced and socially acceptable. In years past, new student orientation leaders had little power in the way of shaping the emotional and mental state of their students. In an attempt to create the perfect Rutgers community, program head Craig Bilson released his plans to improve college life in an email to incoming students. “Beginning this summer, sways in the wind like a fucking pussy.” The tree did shed one of our staff has been specially its leaves in a last-ditch effort to trained to prepare new students for their new lives at get the girl’s attention; it proved Rutgers University,” he wrote. futile, however, for by the time “To combat a possible influx of the leaf reached attention-grab- homosexual students, and to bing level the girl had already deter freshmen from becoming boarded the bus. She slowly disappeared into REAL ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT (BELOW) oblivion as the EE bus driver made all sorts of ill-advised maneuvers down College Avenue, endangering the lives of not only the student-body but also every species of squirrel on the eastern seaboard of the United States.
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Neil Phoenix Kypers. Because somewhere, in lands unknown, he and his wonderful beard are watching over us.
FEATURES
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
the Medium
“God damn it, you straight up chunked me”
ASS
The Chronicles of My Ass: Part I By The In-Shane-iak Managing Editor
My ass is a round, pale, smooth surface touched up by delicate auburn brown hairs that retain the debris of my fecal matter when I defecate. If you look deep between the valley formed by my two bulging hilltops called ass-cheeks you can find my asshole. This black hole of mystery has yet to be explored by anything but my toilet-paper covered fingertips. After thrusting logs of fecal matter into a toilet bowl, my asshole becomes coated in gooey, chocolate-like substance that must be removed. If this nastiness is to remain around my asshole, it can stain my underwear; furthermore, I would most likely be walking like a desperate prostitute on her period
INDIANS + PRINCESSES
No, You Can’t Have My Hair for Your Weave By Supa Krupa Troopa
There are about six to seven times a year when black girls and occasionally creepy white men come up to me and ask me for my Indian hair— “OH DAMN GIRLLLL, CAN I USE YOUR INDIAN HUR FOR MUH WEAVE.” I used to get really freaked out when things like this happen. It gets worse. Usually, after saying some like this, they follow up by petting my hair and even attempting to braid it in public places. I constantly have to be on the lookout; dining halls, classrooms, bus stops, grocery stores, strip clubs and even libraries are all places where I have been so-
week. Unfortunately, this process of removing fecal goo from my asshole is not always a smooth one. Occasionally, I will end up with a rash and severe pain from improper usage of toilet paper. Rutgers University is not known for helping to prevent this situation from occurring. The toilet paper in rest rooms across campus has been known to be rough and cause dryness and temporary bleeding from the anus. A man should not have to be disposing used toilet paper that resembles a used tampon. For my entire spring break, I was able to clean my asshole with ease, not having to worry about blood or pain. It wasn’t until I returned to a Rutgers bathroom that I was met with this problem once again.
To be continued… licited by biddies tryin’ to jack my luscious locks. Isn’t there a rule in the book of Proper Social Etiquette that addresses the concept of petting and braiding hair on the heads of people you don’t know? I am forced to awkwardly smile and say things like “Oh haha! Of course you can!” My hair isn’t that special but it’s not my fault that Indian chicks are known for having nice hair. Why you ask? Because our mothers forced us to comb it everyday, massage it with oil and braid it when we were younger. I used to get really freaked out when things like this happen but now I’ve learned to embrace. It’s kind of flattering in a really strange way, I guess. But in all seriousness, no. It’s my hair, you can’t have it. Please leave me alone.
ME ME ME
Student of the week Manuela “Seriously Hot” Jimenez
Major: Journalism/K-5 Education Previous School: Mercer Community College Former Occupation: Model (‘Now, I’m getting a little bit fat. I study and eat all night’) Plans for summer: To model for G-Unit (‘They like curvacious girls.’) Live on campus?: Nope, she commutes (‘My roommate was having sex all the time.’) We would like to congratulate Manuela on being the very first person to actually request to be ‘Student of the Week.’ Though only here since January, Manuela has taken Rutgers by storm, doing absolutely everything that has ever been done ever in the entire world. She was very proud of the fact that she is currently taking nineteen credits, volunteers for RUPA and the Student Volunteer Council, survived a freak car accident, writes for The Daily Targum, plans on studying abroad in Argentina and has modeled for MAC Cosmetics. Despite all of these accom-
TINGS
Useful Things that Don’t Make You Look Cool by Pokemon Leaf Green
Lanyards: These are great because you will never lose your keys or RUID because they are around your neck, but you will look like a dork.
Stress Level
“Why the fuck do you chew so slowly?”
1 hr before
“That was fun. Off to class.”
are old people.
“Well I’m late now, whatever.”
“Come the fuck on, bus!!!”
“Three minutes for next LX.”
“Take your time and eat. I can be a bit late.”
“Fuck it, I’m not going.”
“Sure, I’ll get Brower with you.”
30 min before
Sunglasses: From transition lenses to aviators, you will always look like a douchebag (unless you’re Tom Cruise). I guess it’s better than getting retinal cancer, though.
Tablets: Being a total nerd has never been so convenient; tablets let you take notes in class, play games, and browse the inCarabiner Water Bottles: Easy ternet. access water on your person all the time, what could be better? Fanny Packs: You can literally Better would be not having a big fit anything of value into these water bottle dangling off your magical bags. The only people backpack. that actually use them though
CHARTS
“Plenty of time to play League of Legends”
plishments, and the fact that she can take home any guy at any bar, she still hasn’t been to a Rutgers party. “My mom says I can’t go out!” she cried in a recent interview. Manuela has also been able to keep up her contacts in the modeling business. She commented on recently speaking with a Haitian gentleman about modeling for a popular urban clothing line, which seemed totally legit. Despite all this, she remains modest. “My one fault is that is look at myself in the mirror A LOT!”
Class Start
Time until class
“Now I have to walk in and sit quietly” 10 min late
20 min late
the Medium
OP/ED
“That’s an intense amount of time spent thinking about England.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How Did You Celebrate Your Easter Weekend?
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Welcome to Rutgers Health Services! Have You Ever Had Mono? BY NANCY TACONE, R.N.
“I just poked my little beak out Hi, wel- sharing cigarettes. Hmmm, well it looks of my egg and entered the sunny come to Hurtado. Let’s Sir, I’ll get to your like there’s nothing on world.” just sit you down in this leg in a moment. Please our tonsils. That must Clarke, Baby Chicken
“I gave out candy to all the good boys and girls for them to find all day.” Dougie, Baby Rabbit
“My owners let me eat some marshmallow peeps as a special treat.” Howie, Baby Puppy
“I sat on some guy’s head while he ate a lot of matzoh.” Michael, A Yarmulke
exam room for a few minutes. Ok, we need to go through some preliminary questions and I need you to be completely honest. So have you ever had mono? No? Are you sure? See with college kids like yourself we find that most students can easily contract mono. You know, “the kissing disease?” No, I’m not saying that since you’re in college, you must be making out with a new partner every night. This is valid. Now you said your knee was bothering you so I should probably check your throat. Let’s get some more information too. Have you started smoking since your last visit? Oh sorry, I figured you must since you’ve clearly got mono symptoms. You know, since a lot of college students smoke it becomes so much easier to pass the germs by
don’t rush me, I have a lot of patients today. Alright, so it says on your chart that you drink occasionally. I’ll just assume you were at a party and contracted mono through a cup or maybe a girl you wanted to kiss
“Do you mind opening your mouth while I jab a cotton swab down your esophagus?”
while you were there. Once you see as many students as I have with mono, you just have to assume they all have it. After all, they’re constantly lying about their medical history, so diagnosing them like this is really the best I can do. Please, sir, you can stop asking for crutches, they won’t get that mono fever down.
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be some kind of mistake. You can just take care of your knee for a minute while I get some throat swabs. Do you mind opening your mouth while I jab a cotton swab down your esophagus? Alright I’m gonna take about 20 minutes to go process this and leave you alone the whole time. Please try not to use your cellphone though. You might disturb the three nurses and one doctor who almost flunked out of med school. In the meantime I’m going to schedule you for an unnecessary blood test so you can get a note for your professors letting them know about your mono. You can get your results in about a week when you’ve already become far too sick to clear it up in a few days. Oh wow, your knee looks pretty messed up. You should see someone about that.
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
ARTS
“The shrimp is tainted.”
MY CLASS NOTES
NOW-EXTINCT REPTILES
I want to be a fashion designer, but we don’t always get what we want... give me what I want and submit art to the medium!! :-*
themedium.arts@gmail.com EXTINCT REPTILES
CLIMATE CONTROL
SUMMER BREAK
Come to our meeting tonight to learn about the fine art of drawing!!
8PM, BCC-120A
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium IGNORANT
HATEFUL
MISOGYNIST
To the pack of RU sluts chasing the H, maybe if you wore a longer skirt you could actually take two fucking steps with(What are you referring to? out having to make sure We didn’t kill her, it was all that that no one has seen (The mulch is there to masl a game! She took it too far, it your skimpy panties... the naturally more disgust- wasn’t our fault...and we’re yet. Besides the guys ing stench of New Bruns- not even sure if she’s dead, you’ll attract with those she might just be sleeping! outfits will most probwick. You’re welcome.) Hope See? There’s nothing ably be the drunk frat boys looking for a quick Thank you Busch break- to apologize for...right?!) fuck, not the senior with fast takeout, for now I the heart of gold lookam eating my yogurt Daily Medium Editors, ing for true love. Maybe with a knife and drinking No LAUREL for Laurel somebody wants to see my cereal awkwardly. Place, off of Somerset your cellulite jiggle, but I Please get some spoons, Street in New Brunsam nowhere near drunk you never have fucking wick? Shame. enough to find that shit -Laurel Street Hobo spoons... cute. Stay classy ladies. (You know your life sucks To all the douchebags ev(When vaginas write perwhen its April and you erywhere. Stop wearing sonals...) just figured out that Busch your fucking gay sunbreakfast takeout sucks) glasses and gym shorts. To the sisters of Phi FUCK YOU BRAH Sigma Sigma sorority, To my engineering Just wanted to let you courses I continue to fail, To the new personals edi- cocksucking sluts know thanks for constantly tor, you’re a faggot. how badly you fucked fucking me in the ass. (This is referring to the up daydrinking for the rest of the Greek commu(Engineering is a hard ma- right side, by the way. Right nity. Long live SigEp. side editor= faggot ) jor.) To Rutgers, thanks for putting all new mulch around campus so that I get greeted by the smell of shit every time I walk outside.
Wednesday, March 21st, 2012
“My dick...VIP. Your shit...needs ID“
To The Medium, You Bitches better not puss out and apologize. -The UCSD Koala
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RACIST
SEXIST
I’m not racist, I like black people, I just hate niggers.
To the girl whose name rhymes with belley shiht: your laugh sounds like a pack of dying puppies gasping for air, you look like sid from that Ice Age movie, and you lack so much common sense, people laugh AT you and not with you. And don’t worry..no matter how hard you try, you won’t shrink your size 8 feet. You’re a fucking ogre. All you care about is yourself and you criticize people for the most superficial things. People don’t think you’re hilarious because of your humor. Choke on that, bitch.
To the asian girl who managed to cut me off and taking my seat on the LX this afternoon. I mean I know your eyes are shitty cuz your asian but come on.....I clearly was taking off my backpack to sit down. You’re lucky it was Stan’s LX or I’d seriously push you off the bus into oncoming traffic. Next try and open the fucking slants you call eyes and don’t take my seat (Besides the fact that your personal didn’t make any fucking sense, I think you need to take a page from Stan’s book. Learn tolerance.)
(The fact that she’s being compared to the guy from Ice Age on looks alone, and telling her she lacks common sense is a separate inTo the asian kid in my sult...nicely put. Hats off to english class whose full you sir.) name rhymes with the To those 2 girls at Delta word fondue, i used to Phi on Friday Night, way really think you were an- to pull the check ya laterr noying but now i think card. you’re alright. (Delta Phi is a thing?) To the white man, why must you desecrate our I hate all of you assholes peaceful land? It was who walk around campus so beautiful before you with gallon jugs of water showed up. The buffalo like you’re so hard. I find roamed free, and there it’s usually guys who was so much more wild- want to look like they life. This land used to be have intense workouts beautiful. I hope you are and are now so thirsty proud of what you have from sweating it all out done. *Insert picture of at the gym. Whether you crying Native American actually workout or not here* is unknown, but your jugs are almost always full, so you must not be (God damned Redskins, that thirsty. You also just sacrificing goats and cows look really dumb, so if to your crazy heathen God. you’re doing it because Get back to your reservation you think its cool, you’ve and deal me my next hand failed. at the blackjack table.) To all the Indian nerds who hopped onto the H bus at the same time.....I nearly suffocated on the way home due to the fact you all fucking smell and none of you decided to be courteous and open a window. The only other white guy would agree with me. Stop eating so much goddamn curry and at the very least buy a fucking speedstick; they’re like 99 cents in every American store. (Remember the L bus? Because I will never forget the smell of it.)
(It’s cutting season, you mother...fucking...idiot. The water is so that their stomachs are full so they don’t overindulge on protein powder or lean meats. Hydration is a secondary benefit, since these bros are usually fuckin thirsty after a sweet session of curling big weight. Fuckin parched, bro. To the red head with the short hair who kept eyeballing me on the bus. You could get it. That is all. (Slutty ass mother fucking gingers)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
“I LIKE WAFFLES AND BACON, IF YOU DON’T THEN FUCK YOU”
I’M NEW HERE
FUCK ALL ‘YALL
To my darling ex boyfriend, You must be one pathetic excuse of a human being in order to try to be friends with me two weeks after you told me to stay out of your life. You have nothing to use to defend yourself except to call me irrational or delusional without proving why and then criticize my grammar. Do you honestly think you deserve my friendship when you do shit like that? Hell no! You gotta be out of your mind! I'm so glad that you finally took the hint and left me alone. I don't need to talk to you for the 324982375897th time and attempt to patch things up when I know it's not going to work. You were making me feel miserable and as soon as you left, things got better. I don't need you and I don't need to look back at those good times we had. That's in the past and so are you. Goodbye forever.
To the fat chicks who take the elevator one level up in Frelinghuysen, I know you?re winded by the time you eventually waddle your way through the heavy front doors and manage to muster up enough strength to press the elevator button, but maybe if you dropped three of the five take-outs in your hands, you could maybe attempt to climb the stairs and get them thunder thighs working. Seriously, it?s not worth the existential terror I go through every time I see you collapse into the elevator with me forcing me to pray to God and beg him that the cables don?t snap because of the extra pack of cookies you insisted on getting. It?s hard to believe you continue to put on weight despite the majority of food served at Brower is predigested, laxative-ridden, mystery meat that seems to lack any real calories at all. God have mercy on the (Do I hear desperation? I porcelain that meets your ass cheeks. think so!) Dear Ginger, How DARE you steal Connorloupe's? You should have known better that to destroy our creation. His story was supposed to be a Shakespearean tragedy, but no thanks you kidnapping him, and then delivering him to Connor, our tragedy was cut short (destroyed by Connor). What the HELL did you get from doing that? Don't you understand: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!!!!!!!!!!!! (I am at a loss of words on this one.......) To a certain AM who has been giving the Medium grief over the past week: that's what you get for being a gigantic fuckwad in the Targum. What comes around goes around, sucker. To my mechanics of materials professora: fuck you and your jumping back and forth on the board. You suck.
To the Guindians in Tillet computer lab, with the white boy and the asian boy: SHUT UP. No one cares what you're doing over the summer, or Miss Universe, and no one wants to hear you sand niggas have conversations ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM LAUGHING AND SAYING BRO AFTER EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. I hope your dicks fall off if they haven't already. (Why do these sand niggas keep stealing my camels?) To the head of the College GOP: as far as attacks on the Medium go, yours was the most weak and pathetic that I've ever seen. Hang yourself. (Preach it!!!)
the Medium
REVIEW (THERE WILL BE A TEST) Alright, it is time for a refresher course on the rules of the personals to avoid any confusion that might be had with submissions. The personals page has a very long standing tradition here at The Medium, which act as a way to vent anger and frustration, see your gripes in print, and anonymously get back at that guy who ran out on you that one morning after that wicked party on Hamilton street, not like I was there or anything watching you hook up, but thats another story. Point being, follow the simple rules we have, and everything will go along just fine.
Send personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com Make sure it is sent from a Rutgers email account.You need to be a student here for it to actually get published. Personals that are submitted are confidential. Don't ask me who sent them, I wont tell you. I don't care how much you kick and scream and cry. You'd have better luck playing the lottery. Keep it a bit vague. No identifying information such as To the "Blank" floor RA in "Blank" hall. It's pretty easy to tell who that one is about right? Once again, we will not publish it. Make it non descrippt enough so nobody knows who you are talking about but a handful of people go holy crap that could be me. Enjoy what you do, and keep the tradition alive. People have been submitting personals for literally generations Remember the simple procedure- Witness or experience injustice, or something that just plain pisses you off, write about it, and enjoy other people reading your post and saying "Yeah, fuck that guy!" -------------------------------- REAL ADVERTISEMENT ------------------------------
THE BACK PAGE
“Never judge a book by its cover; Never judge an newspaper by one article.”
Non-Caffeinated Class Alertness Aid
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
Find The Differences BY DR. K | Back Page Editor
BY DR. K Back Page Editor
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120A A meeting of The Medium will be held in order to review the week’s issue, hear feedback from our writers and editors, and to plan for the coming issues. Persons interested in joining The Medium either for next year or the remainder of the semester are encouraged to attend to learn more about the organization and get to know our staff.
Sleepy as hell in class today? Use this little game to help you keep alert in class. Under each item, tally how many times you see it in class. 1. Professor paces to opposite side of the room ____________________________ 2. Someone asks professor to go back to another slide ____________________________
To be clear, we will NOT and have NOT done any of the following suggested in this feature:
3. Someone begins to nod off
- (1/25/12) Having an orgy - (2/1/12) Sacrificing a human to the gods of print media and using their blood for ink - (2/8/12) Chatting with Jesus Christ during his visit from the great beyond. - (2/15/12) Staring at the beautiful beard of Mattstache - (2/22/12) Having Ash Wednesday Service - (2/29/12) Playing Leap Frog - (3/21/12) Circle jerking
4. Image of a scanned transparency or piece of paper shown in a PowerPoint presentation
I apologize for any confusion this may have caused anyone who wanted to be in on our orgy, but we don’t do that.
____________________________
____________________________ 5. Disgusting Coughs ____________________________ 6. Someone with an obvious boner rubbing it through pants ____________________________ 7. Typos on PowerPoint slides ____________________________
Draw Something
BY SAME GUY AS ABOVE | Staff _____________
for Adults
BY JACK KAUFMAN | Horny Staff Writer (No one pays attention to the name)
You Will Need: - 3 Different Dice (vary by color or design) - Beer - Condoms (if you choose) - Candle Stick - Lead Pipe - Rope - Wrench - 6 Friends
to the group. This will be their number on the person die. - The player who goes first (decide this for yourselves) will go away from the group and roll the die. - Out of view of other players roll the dice. For tools, 1-4 represent the tools in the order shown in the list to the left; 5 and 6 you lose your turn. For Rooms, Setup: 1:Kitchen, 2:Bedroom, 3:Bath- Open Beers? room, 4:Closet, 5:Porch, 6:Stairs. - Have each player choose a The person should have been insnazzy name made by combing dicated. a color with something from na- - Have everyone stand away ture: (Mr. Blacktree, Ms. Green- from each other and cut off the bird, Dr. Orangemelon) lights. - Designate one die to be the ‘tool - Have the person rolled join die’, one die to be the ‘room die’ you in the room and have 5 min, and one to be the ‘person die’. utes in heaven utilizing the tool - Place tools in an area out of if you choose. The other players sight of the players. must remain silent to listen for clues. Directions: - When you reconvene, players - To begin the game, have each will take turns to figure out the person designate them self as a person, room, and tool used. number and make this known
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themedium.opinions@gmail.com / themedium.arts@gmail.com / themedium.personals@gmail.com / themedium.shakin@gmail.com