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APRIL 13TH, 2016
Volume LI Issue X 50¢
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BILL MOYERS
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"Who?"
#RUINSPIRED
A True American Hero BY MIKE BOYERS NO LONGER CRYING
Last Wednesday, many Rutgers seniors were outraged by the announcement of this year’s commencement speaker, Bill Moyers. However, before giving into uneducated judgement, we should take a moment to learn about a true American hero, former press secretary, and loud corporate-media critic Bill Moyers. Born Billy Don Moyers in the small town of Hugo, Oklahoma, Bill Moyers’ humble beginnings would not prevent this man from achieving the American dream and continuing to fight for the righteous values of this country. At the tender age of 16, Moyers began his career in journalism by working for Marshall News Messenger and studied Journalism at North Texas State College, already pushing himself fast past his peers. Moyers even proved himself a resourceful intern to former President Lyndon B. Johnson while LBJ served as senator for Texas. Clearly, the man can connect with us, he knows what it's like to have to bust your ass every summer in order to beef up your resume so that maybe a company will look past not having “3 years of experience” for an entry-level job. However, he was not content with just working under LBJ. Instead, Moyers continued to move up, working at radio and television stations after graduation, and then studying at the University of Edinburgh. Like, the University of Edinburgh in Scotland. Drinking partner-soon-to-be with some scotch? You know it. After attending dages and ragers, he eventually served under John “Fuck every pretty chick possible” Kennedy. Yeah that JFK. Well under JFK, Moyers became the FIRST associate director of the goddamn Peace Corps, of which nothing existing is more heroic or courageous. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end however and JFK got his mind blown out by the hottest blowjob of the 60s, which led to the LBJ taking office. Though distraught from the loss of former president, Moyers was determined in his service to the American government and became a special assistant to LBJ, and is in fact the only surviving identifiable member ofJohnshon’s inauguration. The dude literally will not die, just more proof of his badassery. In the service of LBJ once more, Moyers helped draft the Great Society legislations and then ended up becoming the press secretary for the White House. Now some of you might have found out that there is some FBI background check smearing going around during Moyers’ time with the administration, but let me remind you, it was the 60s. Unless you were a drug-crazed hippy, you were also a homophobe. And I bet you even today, if Obama asked you to do the same thing, your prissy ass would do the same fucking thing so quit your bitching, the man is a goddamn hero. Heck, he’s even transparent about it with this quote about his time under LBJ: “I work for him despite his faults and he lets me work for him despite my deficiencies.” Not only does he understand and admit that some things are wrong with the government, he also has the courage to own up to his weaknesses instead of trying to hide them all up like most of today’s deceitful politicians. And his career did not end with the Johnson administration. During the 1970s, Moyers continued to serve the American public by getting back into media where he was employed by many stations such as PBS, CBS News, and NBC news. He also produced a laundry list of documents on the infringement by the government which had stepped beyond its Constitutional boundaries. Yeah, he literally went renegade against the people he used to work for and called them out. If that doesn’t sell it on how much of a defender of American rights he is, then I have no idea what will.
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
Wednesday, April 13rd 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael-Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
He also called out the very industry he chose to work in after his time with the government, speaking out against the corruption within corporate-owned media and explaining to the American people the propaganda they had been fed and the tragedies that come with it. No matter what Bill Moyers fought against, the former press secretary would not give and continued to uphold true American values. And now, the Rutgers Class of 2016 has the honor of enjoying an afternoon with him. Though we may be disappointed by the fact it had not been the extremely and unfortunately hyped up speaker we were promised for the past four years, we will truly benefit from this American icon.
WE ALWAYS KNEW
WHO IS THIS GUY
An Ode To Billy Don BY I DON'T HAVE A PSEUDONYM SAD BROWN CHICK
Oh Billy, sweet Billy I'm not sure who you are But you're old and white So will you buy me a car? Oh Billy Don, you worked with Pres Johnson If you had a stache you'd look like Ron Swanson People are upset that you're not Obama But It's just a lot of stupid drama. Dear old Bill, I think you're the best. Better than Obama, Biden, and the rest. I hope these shitty kids don't scare you away Because seeing you here would make my day.
COME OUT TO BILL MOYERS CLUB IN CASC, ROOM 439 AT 8PM WEDNESDAYS WE'LL BE SACRIFICING ONE OF THOSE LAMBS THEY WERE OFFERING TO HUG LAST MONDAY THE SORORITY DIDN'T NEED THEM ANYMORE SO WE GOT A SWEET DEAL
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Connor McCarthy Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field UMD DP
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Tiger Mag. May the Angel of Getting Laid bless you thousandfold.
Wednesday, April 13th, 2016 themedium.news@gmail.com
NEWS
“PROCRASTIBATING, AKA MASTURBATING WITH A PURPOSE”
ENEMY UAV INBOUND!
UNIVERSITY STUDENTS AND FACULTY RESPOND TO BARCHI'S BAN ON UAVS BY SAWYER CHEWS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY—Late last Monday night, University President Robert Barchi issued a memorandum outlining the school's policy on Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAVs), effective immediately. Outrage was soon heard from voices across campus but the administration defends its position. Lawrence Fischer, legal advisor to the University, proposed the policy to Barchi last Sunday, April 3. "I told him to cover his ass. That's what everyone is doing when it comes to drones: making up rules so that if anything happens, we're not liable. The next day, he sent out the announcement." "We have no such record at Rutgers,” according to Jefferson Green, a student and UAV enthusiast. “No one has gotten
"THEY'RE FUCKING ANNOYING" President Barchi addressed the Rutgers Community on his ban on UAVs as an Amazon delievery drone flew close and nearly hit him in the back of the head.
hurt and our telemetry systems are signal-hoppers, so they won't come close to interfering with medical helicopters. I don't even recognize the validity of this announcement. Emails aren't legal documents. I can continue to fly recreationally on campus. Even if something happens, I—and other recreational flyers—am insured with AMA
membership and registered with the FAA." The announcement was also maligned by faculty. Dr. Xavier Zehn, a professor in Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering was particularly outspoken. "I have grants from fucking DARPA, dammit,” Zehn Continued on Personals
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
Endorses Rump for President Dubai Tower Architect Denies his Small Penis Chainsmoking Asians Wear Face Masks. But Why? Local Gang Finally Bangs! News Editor Writes that One Last Quickie!
COCKNEY TO CLASSY
Local Mugger Finds Success Whilst Using British Accent BY IVAN POLINSKY INVESTIGATIVE CHURNALIST
NEW BRUNSWICK— Like with any open, non-authoritarian police state, New Brunswick has always had its fair share of crime and grime. Law officials have done everything they could to curb the ever-pressing issue of violence on the streets, but one lone individual has taken it upon himself to give crime, in his words, “a certain flair for the dramatic”. Scott “Scotty” McStabs was just a homeless mugger until one day, he found a discarded Russell Brand sex tape in the dumpster. The sex tape in question, which featured Russell fornicating with several marsupials and a Chihuahua, gave McStabs new insight into the mystifying world of fake British accents. “I was honestly astounded by the visuals and the appealing audio,” said McStabs in an exclusive interview. “Every time a single vowel would leave his mouth, my disgust at watching him fuck those animals instantly turned to intrigue. My rage was quelled by the smoothness of his ‘cunts’ and ‘laggards’. And my
fear and insecurity with regard to my own sex life eroded to the point where I felt I was actually there with Russell, doubleteaming that one Chihuahua. It was an enlightening experience
wallet right off the bat. I entertain them. Loosen them up a bit. And when it’s time to pull out the knife, some of the kids already have their wallets out before I even say anything.”
don’t know why I didn’t report it to RUPD, but something told me that I would be incarcerating a very gifted man in the process. And that was just a burden I didn’t want to carry on my conscience for the rest of my life.” “I’m not gay, okay,” prefaced Joseph Lepenski, a very recent victim of Scott’s mugging, “but I would totally fuck Scott if we met again. That guy just has a way with words that my wife could never even hope to muster.” After two continuous months of non-stop mugging sprees, McStabs used his illgotten funds to open up a theatre practice with the aim of helping talented youths and troubled career criminals with their vocalization and mugging skills. “Mugging…is an art form,” announced Scott to a group of six during a theatre camp. “It is not enough to say to a potential to say the least.” One RBS student recounted muggee, ‘Bitch, give me your McStabs has since then her experience with McStabs. money!’ One must elicit a certain made use of his newfound “He was…charming,” told flair for the dramatic before he knowledge. Darla McDermott. “There was or she is willing to act in your “When I approach someone, just something alluring about Continued on Personals I don’t just ask them for their the way he talked. I honestly
the Medium
OPINIONS
“Be glad you don’t have to deal with the same shit that snowmen do.”
URINALS PISS ME OFF
These bureaucratic hippies have gone too far! By Antonio Baluta
Recently, Rutgers University has silently been replacing the functional urinals with ones that cannot flush. This is in addition to how the students lost paper towels in bathrooms, and trays in dining halls. This epidemic is not confined to the university, with air blowing hand “dryers” being commonplace, for example. This must be fought against. Air dryers would be fine, if it wasn’t for the fact that they don’t even dry your hands! If you use a bathroom with them, you wash your hands, then use the blow dryer, which spreads harmful bathroom bacteria, and wipe your hands on your clothes so that your hands will actually be dry. We cannot continue to buy expensive bacteria spreaders for our bathrooms! Similarly, the waterless urinals have sanitation issues of their own. As difficult as this might be to believe, we should not be going out of our way to strengthen the odor of piss that plagues university bathrooms! It also encourages men to not flush actual toilets, because these urinals spread the message that doing so is environmentally dangerous. More importantly, these God-forsaken urinals spread the message that human health is worthless. Next time you use a toilet and there’s a steaming pile of shit already there, you know what paved the way for such despicable behavior. Other environmental issues are fought against in ways that inconvenience people in general. Separating trash and recycling is prejudiced, for example. My brother identifies as trashkin, and the separation triggers him. We might as well travel around campus and paint all the ducks a uniform color! Abolishing trays in dining halls forces you to either take multiple trips, risk dropping your plates, or limit the amount of food you consume. The latter suggestion is inexcusable considering how overpriced dining halls generally are. These actions waste seconds, and over the years, they add up to minutes! Minutes that could be used with self pleasure! And nothing beats that. We can’t give up masturbation,! We must instead give up environmentalism. What has the Earth ever done for us, anyway? Life is overrated.
DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND WEATHER? NO?
Why Is it Snowing In April? By Girl Who Wears Flip Flops All Year
They say April showers bring May flowers. Last time I checked, snow makes flowers die. I literally can’t even. There is no reason it has to be 70 degrees one day and 39 degrees the next. I am developing trust issues because of my phone’s weather app keeps lying to me. In the morning I check the weather and it says it’s gonna be 65 degrees and by the time I leave for class it’s freakin’ 20 degrees. Getting ready for class is an art, and I can’t afford to rush outside just so I can leave in comfortable clothing! And another thing, what am I supposed to wear every day? Zipoff pants? I’m not a 12-year-old boy. I get the Earth is facing some “climate change”, but can it try to take control of itself? My mom went through menopause and she wasn’t even this dramatic about it. Now it makes sense why we call it “Mother Earth”, she’s going through the biggest menopause the universe has ever seen. Just put her on a mega dose of antidepressants and maybe she’ll even out. If it keeps going at this rate, we won’t have seasons anymore. Every day will just be a roll of the die–will today call for snow boots or booty shorts? If I wanted to be this unsure about my life choices, I would have chosen to major in English. In closing, EARTH, get your shit together. You have a couple billion people counting on you to support them. Okay, maybe we’re the ones that put you in this position, but we’re humans, our job is to mess things up. I just ask that you can better circulate your weather cycles for the sake of poor young women like me who have to suffer with poor outfit choices every day that you decide to mess with the temperature.
Wednesday, April 13th 2016
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ADVICE Dear Woman who Farted in Yoga Class BY KENDRA Yoga is a very relaxing activity and I understand that your sphincter control may have been compromised at the time, but that does not give you the right to let it rip repeatedly during downward dog poses. One time is understandable; maybe it slipped out by accident. Maybe you are lactose intolerant and were in an ice cream competition last night, I don’t know your life. However, after the second audible toot escaped from your body, reminiscent of the dreaded leather couch squeak that can conveniently never be reproduced, I was baffled. All the rest of the soccer moms politely pretended not to notice, but not I! And that guy with you, is that your husband? I’m so desperate that I’ve sacrificed whatever dignity I had left (which, granted, was not a lot) and joined Tinder. And you’ve managed to find a partner who is so desperate that he’s willing to associate with you as you consistently rip ass in public! Dear Kendra, By WOMAN WHO FARTED IN YOGA CLASS Yes, I was the one “ripping ass” in yoga class last week. And I’m not even the least bit ashamed of it! Yoga is all about accepting yourself, which includes all of the bodily functions. And it’s not my fault-- the night before happened to be Taco Tuesday, but that’s completely beside the point! Do you think Buddha would be cool with your lack of love and acceptance for me? I bet even He was so at peace with himself that He had no problem letting a few rip back in the day. I think you should learn to relax, it won’t kill you. And it certainly won’t kill anyone within nose shot, humans didn’t evolve to be so weak as to be damaged by natural human bodily functions. Dear Woman who Farted in Yoga Class, By BUDDHA HIMSELF How dare you call me out, letting everyone know that I, too, have ever farted. I know that I like to make myself seem relatable in my scriptures, but that doesn’t mean that I want everyone knowing that I also release flatulence from time to time. Some functions should not be done in the presence of strangers and acquaintances. You should have learned this as a toddler. I get it though, I’m a big, fat guy, and big guys are known to fart. However, you must have forgotten that I’m all-knowing, which means I sure as hell know about the time you had diarrhea at Josh’s house and blamed it on the “litter box” odor-- How’s that for blackmail? So maybe you should learn to learn to close several holes in your body (including your mouth). Expect some righteous karma coming your way! This is what autocomplete gives you if you search for our commencement speaker. Feeling the love, Bill?
ARE YOU CREATIVE? CAN YOU WRITE? NO? COME JOIN US! YOU’LL FIT RIGHT IN! THE MEDIUM MEETS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS @ 8PM ROOM 439 OF THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER
Wednesday, April 13th 2016
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F/ARTS
“Please don’t call me that anymore, that’s my slave name.”
the Medium
“COLLEGE STRUGGLES’’ BY THAT POSSIBLY IRISH PERSON
10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU
If Your Girlfriend Does These 10 Things You Should Kill Her By Grind All
1. If she breathes: I know this may seem drastic but really think about
it. If she breathes she can do ANYTHING! SHE COULD KILL YOU FIRST! You need to take the initative in the relationship and make sure she is gone before you are. 2. If she eats bread: Does she know NOTHING about what the Jews went through?! Honestly this is just culturly insensitive and she needs to be taught a lesson just like every other fucker in the Bible and Torah that was killed for being a bitch. 3. If she doesn’t LOVE Smashmouth: Does this even need an explaination?!
4. Going further on that, if she doesn’t LOOOOVVEE Nickelback:
COME TO THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAY, 8PM, ROOM 439 “BATHROOM GRAFFITI” BY THIRD STALL
LOOK AT THAT DAMN PHOTOGRAPH 5. If her pants of choice are leggings: What the hell is this comfy central?! This is the real world god dammit and we will wear real pants! And real pants mean uncomfortable jeans that are hard to breathe in! If I have to fucking suffer then everyone else does too! 6. If she speaks: Is she trying to talk to someone else? She shouldn’t need to talk, she has you. What is she even saying? “I have rights”??? What does that even mean?? Honestly if she even STARTS talking just kill her right then and there. I promise you, you will be saving yourself from a huge headache that comes from whatever bullshit she’s trying to talk about. 7. If her idea of a fun date is a dinner and a movie: You are a MAN! You like things like beer and sports and guns and video games and not showering! Do you know what dinner means? It means eating with a fork and knife like an actual civilized human. Do you know what a movie means? It means sitting in a dark room watching some shit you have NO interest in because who the fuck cares for culture when there are BOOBS TO BE SEEN?! 8. She wears sneakers: Bitch tryna run AWAY?! Why you need those sneakers huh? It’s uncomfortable to walk in your heels? Bitch hold on to my arm or just don’t fucking walk. Sorry I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. 9. She has hair: Who she trying to impress with that hair? She’s already got you she doesn’t need to fucking have this hair bullshit. First of all, it gets all over your shit like this bitch is CONSTANTLY shedding. Second, there are fucking weird bros out there that think a girl is hot based on her hair. She’s your girl. If she has hair she is one step from breaking up with you. Kill her before she does. 10. If she’s excited about Bill Moyer coming to Rutgers: This bitch has got to work for RUPA or some shit if she’s actually excited about this. Either that or she is 100 years old and can remember when Douglass was seperate from Rutgers. So either way if she’s excited she’s dumb as fuck and should die or she’s about to die soon anyway so just put that bitch out of her misery.
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday April 13th 2016
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“I think someone here is a serial killer.”
Lambs and Cows Lambs are not cute.
(At least they’re delicious.) Go suck a cock. (I save that for weekends, thank you very much.) I’m not a fan of hot dogs. Honestly, I just hate tubed meat in general. (You sound like a homophobe.) My roommate is gay and I don’t know how to tell him. (Gently sit him down. Make him some tea. Rub his back. Then say that there is only one straight person in the room and its not him.) Real talk, I’d fuck Peter Dinklage. (Oh maybe he’ll tell you if Jon Snow is really dead or not. I also hear he has a huge penis. So yeah go for it!)
Identity Thief My friend got involved with perpetrating identity theft and now he’s not the same man he used to be. (I’m thinking your “friend” is just you. So you must be the asshole who charged $500 to Johnny Rockets.) (I’m just gonna say it. Penn State people are dope and most RU students are just bitter.)
Twins and Twilight My boyfriend’s parents are in denial of our 4 year relationship. What do I do personals editor?? (Get pregnant and then elope with your boyfriend. Then his parents CAN’T be in denial!!) What’s it like to be the ugly twin? (I imagine it’s basically you seeing how ugly you are without having to look in the mirror.) In high school a bunch of people said this kid looked like Edward Cullen but he definitely did not look like Edward Cullen. (I’m confused, is this a compliment or an insult?)
Cruz v. Putin Ted Cruz looks like a less Aryan Vladimir Putin. (I just pictured it and wow that’s fucking horrifying.) Whenever I pick my nose and it’s especially snotty, I like to roll it around between my thumb and pointer finger until it dries and hardens up into a nice ball. (You sound like that kid in first grade who no one wanted to be friends with.)
Ravioli
Fucking runoff.
I wish left wing extrem- Mugger ists would stop saying continued from News global warming exists. It doesn’t. play. A more enticing offer, for instance, would be, ‘Dirty female canine, depart with thy belongings or (Of course not. It was snowing the other day after thou shall feel the sharp pain of a blade thrusting deepest within thy fragile bosom!” all.) While criminals (and McStabs’s “compatriots'”, as he I always like my own refers to them) have all expressed satisfaction with Facebook comments. His compelling teaching-style and finesse, the RUPD has been more than vocal about their disdain for Mc(Good job, be your own Stabs’s existence on campus. best friend. Because no one “He’s taking people away from the righteous wants to be friends with a douche who likes his own path of good and turning them into career criminals,” stated Kenneth Cop, Chief of Police. “He thinks he Facebook comments.) can corrupt people by making crime looks sexy, well two can play at that game!” Urinal Porn RUPD officers are now required to take courses Raise your hand if you in Shakespearian theatre. When a 9-1-1 call is filed, always have a million it is always answered with a British accent. It has not tabs of porn on queue, been confirmed whether or not the Russell Brand sexbut after finishing off tape, which empowered McStabs to sport a British acwith the first, you close cent in the first place, has been used by the RUPD for all of them and go on training purposes. with your day. “With these programs, we hope to lessen Mc(I always want to look at the Stabs’s influence on campus and bring order and cirest of the tabs, but I end up vility back to the city...” When McStabs was asked about the RUPD probeing too tired to do that.) grams, he proclaimed; I’ve noticed way too “Hang out our banners on the outward walls. The many guys using smart- cry is still ‘They come’: our castle’s strength will laugh phones at the urinal to a siege to scorn. Here let them lie 'til famine and the think it’s a rarity. ague consume them. Were they not forced with those that should be ours, we might have met them dareful, (They need to take selfies of them urinating. Let their beard to beard, and beat them backward home.” Whose fake and terrible British accent will win nasty asses live.) the hearts and minds of New Brunswick citizens? As a male, where do I go Only time shall tell. to report being groped on the bus? (You go to RUPD, the same as the rest of us. You ain’t special just because you’re a boy.)
Feeling lost? Can’t find yourself? This guy can help you.
Ban
More Fucking Runoff
continued from News explained. “This is bullshit. So many faculty and students across multiple departments use UAVs for research and now we can’t do anything until we get Barchi’s permission through some process yet to be developed. Rutgers pays for this; it makes no sense to ban it. “ Faced with this backlash, Barchi told reporters that he would not retract the email. “My word is law. And it applies to everyone. If you’re playing basketball and you jump with the ball, it’s manned. Once you shoot the ball, it is an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle and will bring consequences. So slam-dunks only.” “It’s the same with those dang geese,” continued Barchi. “They shit every seven minutes and are not welcome. I’m building a wall. Geese are technically UAVs and may not be airborne, so this wall is perfect. This policy is perfect. I made it up in under a day, but it’s really well thought out.”
Come to the FUCKING Meeting Wednesdays, Room 439 of the CASC at 8:00pm. *Fucking Not Guaranteed*
SPORTS
Wednesday April 13th 2016
themedium.sports@gmail.com
“It is so hot. The sun is a tyrant.”
THE BROWNS, OH THE BROWNS
DEVELOPING: BROWNS VOID GRIFFIN’S CONTRACT AFTER FINDING HE HAS NO KNEES BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF OFTEN WRONG
CLEVELAND— The Cleveland Browns voided their contract with Robert Griffin III Tuesday after the quarterback’s physical showed he has no knees. “We were a bit shocked,” said Browns head coach Hue Jackson, “but that’s the nature of the industry. Sometimes you just have no knees. Unfortunately for Griffin, he just goes straight from thigh to leg. No knees.” After a successful rookie season, Griffin III tore his ACL and LCL in the wildcard round of the playoffs. In the three seasons since, he has suffered nagging injuries and never enjoyed the same success he did in 2012, when he won Offensive Rookie of the Year. Reports indicate Griffin III started losing his knees in 2014, and they completely degenerated at the end of the 2015 season. “I’ve played through worse injuries,” said Griffin III after his release. “I know I will come back from this. I don’t need knees.
Knees are overrated. Who are the Browns to say I have no knees? Oh God, even the Browns don’t want me. Oh God.” Many players around the league reacted to the news, some with words of encouragement and others with comments of confusion. “How the fuck you ain’t got no knees,” said suspended Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon in a cloud of smoke, who has no brain, but three lungs. Griffin III will reportedly rehab at Ripley’s Believe it or Not! with Dr. James Andrews. Some speculate Griffin III is cursed after playing his first four seasons with the oft-criticized Washington Redskins. Many believe Native American chieftains called upon their ancestors to remove the quarterback’s knees as a warning for what is to come if the organization does change its disparaging name. There is no news yet on who the Browns will find to replace Griffin III, but early reports
Griffin at a recent Browns practice struggling to maneuver in the pocket without knees.
show the team may be interested in a pile of dirt blowing away in the wind or the corpse of Otto Graham. Many Browns fans are now switching allegiance to either the Baltimore Ravens or Pittsburgh Steelers. Some fans have given up hope, which is nothing new.
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U. Lax Scott Bieda Drafted by MLL New York Lizards David Wright Loses First Base Nuggets give Kobe Bryant “Get Out of Jail Free” Card as Farewell Gift Chris Ash Misplaces Playbook in Other Pants James Harden Shaves Beard, Finds Bread
DO YOU BELIEVE IN DOPING? YES!
Russia U18 Hockey Team Caught Doping Because Why the Fuck Not BY DR. TOSSED SALAD HATES THE ODYSSEY ONLINE
MOSCOW—Over the past few weeks, news has developed out of Russia that their entire under 18-year Men’s National Hockey Team has been found guilty of taking Meldonium, an illegal substance, because well, they wanted to fucking win. “We wanted to win, what the fuck’s the problem?” Russian Czar of Hockey Vladimir Putin said in a fucking smug Russian tone. You know the tone we’re talking about, it’s a little smug for our taste. “We’re talking about sports right? Doesn’t everyone want to win?” Indeed “winning,” which results from scoring more “points or goals” than the opponent, is actually very important in sports. However, sports scientists determined these players are actually children who, as research indicates, have important things to do. These children’s tasks include taking tests and jerking off. “Taking these illegal
substances will one day, without a doubt, cause so much harm to their bodies that they will drop fucking dead,” said sports scientist and health nutritionist Dr. Wett Problem. Russian officials had opposing opinions. “Do you know what Meldonium does?” asked Director of Russian Medicine Vladimir Putin. “It is a substance which improves exercise tolerance and recovery. When you get a headache or back pain you take an aspirin. So what’s the
big deal? These boys’ bodies are growing at fast paces and it causes their muscles to hurt after long practices,” finished a smug Putin. Wanting kids to feel good about themselves? Wanting them to be able to relax after sacrificing their childhoods to play a grueling sport for no money? How else will they prepare for the real world unless they feel pain, deep pain, all the fucking time. Heartless bitch. “We cannot believe Russia would put their youth athletes in danger like that. That is no
way to set the right example for children to follow,” said United States Hockey Director Brian Marrons in a Monday press release. “The United States would never force youth athletes to take illegal substances.” The United States is the same country that encourages early youth sport specialization and refuses to pay student athletes, meanwhile giving them “role models” to look up to who get arrested for weekly for DUIs, like Abby Wambach or (insert NFL player’s name here). But hey, at least they aren’t using illegal performance enhancing drugs rapidly right before a huge international tournament. Clearly, it will take a while for Russia to solve their chronic PED problem. If there was a bright side to this, it exposes that PED are still an important problem to address in sports today with our children. It also means American is not going to lose to Russia in this year’s Men’s U18 tournament! A truly embarrassing tragedy, but hopefully one other countries will be caught guilty of, too.
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APRIL 13TH, 2016
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