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Volume XLVII Issue VIII
April 16th, 2014
50¢
YOGA PANTS MAKE CLASS HARDER
QUICKIES
BY THE BUS KID BUSINESS MANAGER
Pink Eye causes fart Cook student laying chicken eggs, now expecting mother Rutgers Financial Aid to be featured on TLC's "Extreme Cheapskates" VW Bug Punches You Little girl writes in her diary…ah
PISCATAWAY, NJ— Early Monday morning, engineering sophomore Rick Wang reported an uncontrollable erection. During a lecture of Elementary Differential Equations: Math & Physics, more commonly referred to as “Engineering Calc 4”, Mr. Wang had a sudden increase in blood flow to his genitals. While Mr. Wang tried his best to rid himself of the erection, his penis would not stand down. No matter how hard the engineering-hopeful tried to distract himself from his erection by taking furious amounts of notes or forcing himself to solve tough examples on the board, Mr. Wang could not overcome his penis. Reportedly, the sophomore began to use his textbook to cover his pubic area as the pro-
"BASEBALL, BASEBALL, BASEBALL ..." Rick Wang finds it difficult to concentrate in class with no blood going to his brain.
trusion of his erection began to overcome the restraints of his jeans and created a raised outline amongst his lower garments. However, the extra downward pressure only gave rise to an
even stiffer problem. Rick Wang was also unable to excuse himself to the restroom due to being located in the middle of the aisle. According to witness Amy Continued on Page 2
ITS A DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION
Dance Major Dies In Midterm BY FEARLESS GUSTER COPY EDITOR
DOUGLASS CAMPUS—A sophomore in the Mason Gross School of the Arts died Monday, during a presentation of a midterm assignment. The deceased, DuArt Allmen of Peniscola, Fla., was pursuing his degree in Contemporary Dance and was enrolled in the eponymous course. Alongside his dance partner and boyfriend, Kevin Booker, and four other classmates Allmen choreographed and performed a routine set to Michael Jackson's "Beat It", based off the acclaimed music video. Booker, through his tears, admitted to accidentally slashing his boyfriend's throat with the prop knife. He recalled cradling his dying partner as he bled out. "We only ever wanted to have fun and entertain the masses togeth-
the stage and call in the custodial staff before the clean floor was tarnished and stained with blood. Authorities have arrested her for interfering with the crime Bonnie Gronti, a student present at the incident, somberly expressed the sadness pervading the class. "We're all so upset. Like, we really miss him. Like, a lot! We're hurt by the loss and we're already choreographing a memorial tribute to him, set to his favorite song, 'Happy' by Pharrell Williams. Tickets go on sale Friday. My whole family is coming to see me." Parents of the bereaved could not be reached, as they were arranging funeral and "It Doesn't Matter Who's Wrong or Right" burial details. DuArt's closest Kevin Booker screams as he kneels over the body of DuArt Allmen uncle, Geromi Bozsworth, stat after he was stabbed during their dance to "Beat It". ed his regret for his nephew's death; expressed hope for Dupended all performances. Deer. We had dreams." Art's soul. "In death, he has a In response to this tragedy, partment head Marcy Denton more promising future than as a the Dance Department sus- moved swiftly to cordon off dance major."
Redefining Firm SInce 1970
the Medium
NEWS
"Is it me or does that photo remind you of Kent State?"
Wednesday, April 16th, 2014
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BLUE BALLED
I WANT AN EASTER EGG
Students Begin to Petition Seniors Running Out of Time to Fuck Freshmen for More Free Shit BY SKYLAR WAYNE STAFF WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ — Following the example of a courageous young Rutgers first-year who attempted to petition Chris Christie to give free NJ Transit passes to University students, numerous others have launched their own petitions to draw out similar perks of their own. The various bloggers, urban planning majors and general population of whiny bitches at Rutgers have risen up with all sorts of ideas. “This kid already got like, a thousand signatures on Change. org. That’s pretty dope” said freshman Chad Rodriguez. “So I started my own petition. We're gonna try to get mopeds for all the students. Man, that would be awesome.” Rodriguez, an undecided student in the School of Arts and Sciences, launched his online petition last week and advertised on Facebook and the school's subreddit. A few petitions mention lowering the cost of attendance. One such petition, started by Mandy Jordano, a sophomore majoring in Journalism and Sociology, suggests the complete abolition of tuition altogether. “My grandfather, Julio DeScalani, came over from Italy in 1938. He moved to Sayreville. We've been tax paying Jersey residents ever since. Why aren't BONER
...continued from front
Lin, a member of the engineering sorority, Beta Zeta Theta, Rick Wang had a “massive erection” in class, and mentioned that she wish could have sat just a bit closer to him, for observational purposes. Being a biomedical engineering student, Ms. Lin wondered how such a feat could be possible. It is hypothesized that the erection was caused by Rick Wang having persistent thoughts about the only female in the lecture hall who wore yoga pants that day. While not an uncommon outfit in most
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
we getting free tuition? This is our state university, they should just take some tax money!” “Our senior design project is to remove all the traffic lights and stop signs in New Brunswick, so people can get where they're going faster” said Urban Planning major Ethan Katzan. “We'll just tell everyone to drive more carefully. I'm sure it'll work. Our professor said so.” Professor P. Clark Edgewood responded to the Medium's inquiry, stating, “Don't worry. My students know everything there is to know about planning cities.” Edgewood declined to comment, however, on the fact that his students “are just the bumblefuck version of civil engineers.” “Dude, we should lower the drinking age to 18,” commented Jake Peterbilt, a SAS freshman. “We'd be able to throw much better parties and then we can charge fives because it's not selling alcohol to minors. And then we can go to the bars after, and we won't need fakes, so it makes more money for the bars. Lets start a petition too!” The Medium has launched its own petition to tack a fee of $15.83 to each semester's tuition to fund the paper and have pizza at meetings. You can sign this petition online at http://www. change.org/petitions/sign. aspx?p=fundthemonkey. schools at this university, yoga pants are seldom worn by the females of School of Engineering. It is reported, this particular lady continued to give out erections to her fellow classmates throughout the day, with an estimated thirteen and half boners given out just in this Elementary Differential Equations lecture. While Mr. Wang was able to finally subdue his boner an hour after his lecture, the yoga-pantsclad female is still at large, victimizing many engineers with awkward boners. It is advised that those most susceptible to erections avoid contact with this woman or risk embarrassment.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
"I JUST WANT TO GET MY DICK WET ONE LAST TIME" Kevin Poole plays his guitar in a feeble attempt to attract some easy freshman. Maybe stop playing Wonderwall? BY WILLIAM CHARLES WILLIAMS STAFF WRITER
PISCATAWAY, NJ — Seniors who find themselves on the Livingston Campus this time of year are reminded of a final sprint not for academic achievement, but for seducing college freshmen. "Man, I've been living in a single in the Quads all year. It's been torturous to smell that freshman pussy waft through the halls, to have those naive chicks eagerly sitting on my bed as I've ground up pot for them. Not once have I been able to close the deal," stated Kevin Poole, 22, of the School of Arts and Sciences. A transfer student who moved in this year, Poole said he was most excited to come here and take advantage of what Rutgers really has to offer. Jim Boeing, 21, who lives offcampus, and has neither classes nor friends on Livingston, goes there just for "the young sluts." "It's that time of year," the Exercise Science major said, "when the jackets come off and the shorts come on--before I can hopefully take them off again." Boeing's fraternity is emphasizing that girls arrive to their parties wearing pig-tails and having no body hair. They want to forget that they're with mature women for a moment. He sat outside lounging near Tillett Hall, ogling girls no taller than 5-feet. News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
"I thought I'd have some luck giving my cock a workout last weekend at the Beats on the Banks concert, but no dice. They weren't drunk enough, I guess. It's just not my semester." Jason Minchetti, 27, expressed his disapproval when he shared his rationale. "Why do you have to stop being an undergrad just because the world expects you to? I've been here eight years and I've received an abundance of cherries to pop. Not just 'vages', those knifewounds, dude, but assholes too." With language from a porn title, he grunted, "I might get older and scarier, but they remain young and tight. That's what life's all about." Minchetti promises to have graduated come next winter, planning to become a high school gym coach. On his terms, he hopes, the hunt can resume. But though he may leave Rutgers, people like him will always remain. "Dude, it's what college is about. Using people for your own pleasure. Especially people who are scared, nervous, don't know any better. Basically anyone younger than you-even the people who look like they haven't reached puberty," Minchetti concluded before lowering his shades and running over to help a girl who had just dropped a few papers. Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche HardRock2k
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Rutgers Recess on WRSU 88.7 FM. It might be time for a Medium radio show.
Wednesday, April 16th, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
“How can something that big even fit???”
FEATURED FEATURE!
GUY FIERI VISITS RUTGERS
the Medium
CAPTION CONTEST Previous Photo:
BY: GOOY FIREY MYSTERY MAN
HELLO I’M GUY FIERI AND WE’RE ROLLING OUT, TODAY WE’RE GOING DOWN, DOWN TO FLAVORTOWN, I’M TALKING NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY, THAT’S RIGHT, AMIGOS, WE’RE GONNA VISIT THE GRUB CITY OF HUB CITY, RIGHT HERE ON TRIPLE D OUR FIRST STOP RIGHT IN THE HEART OF NEW BRUNSWICK IS THE HISTORIC BROWER COMMONS, A PLACE THAT CAN’T BE BEAT IF YOU WANT A NEAT TREAT, WE’RE HANGING WITH EXECUTIVE CHEF MAMA BROWER, WHO’S WHIPPING UP SOME AWESOME FOOD AND I CAN TELL YOU: HER BROWER BOWLS ARE WHAMMO, SO WHAT GOES IN THOSE BROWER BOWLS ANYWAY? I SEE YOU’RE ADDING A 55 GALLON DRUM OF WATER, AND SOME CUMIN, POP THOSE BAD BOYS IN THE OVEN FOR TWO WEEKS, AND LET’S TASTE, HRRMMRMMRM, IT’S LIKE A PARADE ON MY TONGUE, SOME SORT OF MOUTH ORGASM, I’M GONNA NEED HELP CARRYING THIS MUCH AWESOME BACK TO THE CAMARO NEXT UP, WE’RE WALKING ACROSS THE STREET TO THE FAMED RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER, AND HERE’S A FACT FOR YOU, YOU KNOW WHO WENT TO RUTGERS? MY MAIN MAN MARIO BATALI AND HE IS ONE ROCKIN’ CHEF, SO ANYWAY, WE’RE AT RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER’S FOOD COURT CHECKING OUT KING’S PITA PALACE AND I HEAR THEIR MIDDLE EASTERN FOOD IS DA BOMB, LET’S TAKE A BITE OF THEIR FALAFEL, HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE, NYYYOOWWW, BOOMMMMM, LIKE AN EXPLOSION IN MY MOUTH, A FLAVOR EXPLOSION THAT IS, SOMEBODY CALL THE TSA BECAUSE THERE’S AN UNATTENDED BAG OF SHAZAM, OUR HOMELUNCH SECURITY IS AT HIGH RISK, THIS IS ONE MEAL I’LL NEVER FORGET, YOU COULDN’T DELIVER THIS MUCH FLAVOR EVEN IF YOU HAD DRONES...OR A CAMARO NOW WE’RE DRIVING AROUND THE CORNER TO EASTON AVENUE OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, EATSTON AVENFOOD, WE’RE HEADED TO A RESTUARANT NAMED FOR WHAT I DO BEST, THIS IS STUFF YER FACE, WHERE YOU CAN ENJOY A ‘BOLI AND A BEER, AND I THINK I’LL HAVE BOTH, NOW I’M ITALIAN, AS YOU KNOW, AND WHEN I WAS A KID, MY MOMMA MADE STROMBOLIS FOR HER LITTLE GUIDO ALL THE TIME SO I’M USED TO THIS, LET’S TRY WHAT THEY GOT, HRMRMRRRMMM, KICK-BUTT, JUST LIKE MOMMA GUY USED TO MAKE, THESE ‘BOLIS ARE BOOYAH, STRAIGHT-UP YOWZA, WITH A LITTLE TWIST OF KAPOW, AND THERE’S SO MANY BEERS TO PICK FROM, I’M GONNA HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE, OR TWO, BUT HEY, NOT TOO MANY OR I WON’T BE ABLE TO DRIVE, DID I MENTION THAT I DRIVE A CAMARO THAT’S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR, TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR MORE AWESOME EATS ONLY ON “DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES”
Think this page sucks? Improve the quality by sumitting your shit to themedium.features@gmail. com! Reader, you’re our last hope.
Admittedly, last week’s photo was a bit of a cop-out. Your submissions were, therefore, very much appreciated. The winning caption for the above photo was:
“Can I haz an end to every single one of these stupid fucking memes??” If it were only so simple....
So this week we’re going to try something new. One of you lovely readers sent me this photo, which I’m fairly certain was stolen from Reddit. Regardless of the original source however, it’s a fantastic photo no matter where it came from. I urge you to send your wonderful submissions to themedium.features@gmail.com and make my life infinitely more exciting.
BREAKING NEWS
BRAND NEW ZOO IN NEW BRUNSWICK AREA
Mayor James Cahill unveiled final plans for a New Brunswick Zoo last Thursday. Cahill stated that the measure is little more than a mere formality, establishing better funding and protections for the shit-flinging half-wits inhabiting the city. The principle attraction, explained Cahill, is the ability for visitors to speak to the animals and interact with them in ways that no other zoo offers. “Everywhere else you go, attractions are caged off and the kind of communication the glorious, beautiful beasts have with human beings are vague and perhaps illusory.” The bill completes a decades-long process, wherein savages and swines have been riding the buses, haranguing the students, and littering the streets. Bruce D. Aldin, sociologist at Princeton U., lauded the effort. “Since the early 1980s, destitute citizens flooded the streets of urban areas. At least now, they can serve a broader purpose for our communities.” As part of its pledge to help, Rutgers plans to put donation boxes on the weekend buses and the Rutgers Student Center, favorite hangouts of the city’s leper community. The program will also fund the train tickets and gas money for homeless attractions in the hope that they will stop crowding areas that are not part of the Zoo, such as Alexander Library.
the Medium
OPINIONS
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Wednesday, April 16th, 2014
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RUPERT GRINT COMMENTARY
I WILL NOT SWALLOW I Am Still Around BY RUPERT GRINT
BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND
I’m sorry I will not, I absolutely will not swallow your cum. I’m fine with all the other stuff, I’ll jerk you off, have some hot sex, and let you cum almost anywhere you want, except in my mouth. There are just some things that I am uncomfortable with, you understand right, sweetie? And I get it, we’re in the moment, things are getting hot and sexy, and then I’ve worked my magic and you want to cap it all off by blowing your load in my mouth, but I just can’t let you. Will I take it on my face? Ehh maybe if you have pleasured me enough, but you usually don’t. On my tits or my ass? Yeah why not, I can clean that up pretty quickly. Like really think about it baby, your semen is in your body, you don’t expect me to let you spill blood or urine on me? That’s right, NO! So why would I let you cum in my mouth? But we can still make love honeybunch. Let’s start off how we always do: come eat me out baby.
You have to be fucking kidding me! BY YOUR SOON TO BE EX-BOYFRIEND
You won’t let me cum in your mouth, but you expect me to eat your fucking pussy! Let me give you a fucking science lesson, “babe.” Do you know what a vagina’s ph value is? Yeah that’s right. It’s a 4-5 ph value. That is fucking acidic! Do you know what else is around a 4.5 ph value, “honey?” Acid rain, Black Coffee, and Tomato Juice just to name a few. All things which are known to be bitter and possibly dangerous. And you want me to stick my tongue in something that’s naturally sour? That is like asking me to suck on a lemon, and enjoy it. Like let’s me really now babe. And then you won’t take my hot cum in your mouth! Do you know what the ph value of cum is? Between 7.2-7.8. That is comparable to milk, water, human saliva. Things which are not disgustingly sour, but not too sweet that it will hurt your teeth. So next time you expect me to put my tongue in that sour pit of death, open your mouth and take my cum.
THE PAPA GRANDE
The Pope is Dope
Hey everyone it’s Rupert Grint. Rupert Grint! Ron Weasley from Harry Potter. Yeah that guy. Well I’m just letting everyone know that indeed yes, I am still around. I know you haven’t heard from in me a while, but I’ve been busy, busier than Daniel and Emma let me tell you! Sure I haven’t been on Broadway twice, or finished up on my education at Brown University, but I did go to the mall yesterday. I bought a nice pair of pants and a soft pretzel. Let’s see what else, what else. There is just some much I’ve done. Fed my cat yesterday. Oh and I drew a cool picture of Mickey Mouse last Wednesday. I’ve also been working on my acting skills. Everyone still sees me as Ron Weasley, but I have been in other movies too. Don’t you remember Thunderpants in 2002? It has a 60% on Rotten Tomatoes! Now that is some acting. And now I am planning on
working on some other projects as well. I have an audition to be in the next The Last Airbender movie, and have also already auditioned to play in a new James Cameron movie about a man who falls in love with a rock, but then loses it. I think I am definitely going to get this one. I also have a wonderful personal life going. No I am not dating Emma Watson. Why does everyone keep saying that? I have a wonderful girlfriend named “Panda” who really loves me for me. I don’t get to see her much, because she works every night, but she does help me pay the rent. Well just remember next time you here “What happened to Rupert Grint?” just know that I am still here, and better than ever.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you think about the Heroine epidemic that is going on Rutgers?
BY PINKY GUSCATERO
This Sunday is Easter, the day when Catholics congregate to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. More importantly, Sunday is also 4-20, the day when everyone (Catholics included) celebrates marijuana. The timing is actually perfect: the day Lenten Sacrifices can be discontinued, religious stoners can resume smoking cheeba religiously. Really, what more can you ask for? Pope Francis, head of the Catholic Church, will definitely be putting down the frankincense and lighting up his golden, bejeweled pipe. The Pope, renowned for his position, has also gained a reputation for being a chill guy, possibly even a badass. Last Easter, in his first as Pope, Francis threw huge burn session with the College of Cardinals to show his gratitude for electing him a month before. Actor Jeff Bridges was present, asked to attend the party as The Dude, along with famous stoners Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong. These guys are best buds of the Pope, and are great Jesus, Joseph, and Mary Jane supporters. In recent months, Pope Francis had been under fire for “accidentally” saying cazzo (the Italian word for fuck) during an address and admitting to stealing a dead friend’s rosary from his casket. The public has shown some concern for the Pope’s activities. Worrying crowds in the plaza outside his apartment publicly pray their Holy Father is not spiraling into sin. Papa Frankie (as he prefers to be called) also wishes everyone to know that if it makes you feel good, then it is okay. As long as it is not sex with children, or murder. The Pope also wishes the Jews a joyous Puff, Puff, Passover.
“I think it’s great that women are taking more of a crime fighting roll in society.” Fred McGraw, Thinking about chicks “I thought DJ Snake was just fine, I don’t get why everyone was so down about it.” Holly Hills, SEBS Junior “Today is Hotdog day? I have to get over to College Ave right NOW!” Oswald Ward, Mason Gross weirdo
ARTS
Wednesday, April 16th, 2014
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the Medium
“GO FISH, BITCHES.”
ASSHOLE STEVE II- PROFESSOR XXX
SMACK IT - PROFESSOR XXX & BUTTHOLE Aw yeah. Gonna cook up some heroin
That’s soup, dude.
I don’t care.
Mmm. Yeah. Soup.
Jousting geese. So artsy. Very expression.
The only thing deader than the doge meme is my inbox. Send me your snapchats, selfies, and/or nudes. It’s too late to change your grade but come to my office hour at 8pm in room 120B in BCC tonight and you can try and convince me for extra credit.
JEFF, THE HAPPIEST GARBAGEMAN - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
ALAKAZAM, BITCHES - BEXTER’S LABORATORY
Menarche Butterfly by Weepy Boy Santos
22:20 BUTTERFLY - WEEPY BOY SANTOS MENARCHE
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
the Medium
PERSONALS
STRUGGLE BUS
STRUGGLE BUS
It’s spring and I don’t give a FUCK! How the hell am I supposed to study with all these girls walking around in summer dresses and baring their asses? Seems like an excusable absence if you ask me.
To the drunk asshole on the bus who shot off the cap of his water bottle and who swung around on the hand-rails like Donkey Kong, I hope you were knocked out that night, you yacht-clublooking-motherfucker.
(Well I don’t see why the fuck not, dumbass.)
(You’re just mad ‘cause you’re poor)
Bro, it’s 65 degrees out. You don’t need to be wearing that muscle shirt, and everybody knows it. You looked like a pussy when you started shivering.
Hey, Rutgers, way to let us know about Sunday's marathon. We sat unmoved near the SAC for twenty minutes. Had I known traffic was going to be that big of a problem, I'd have fucking walked from Busch to Cook! (Yeeaaahhh I’m pretty sure Rutgers cares.)
Thanks for pretending not to notice as I sat on the F bus stewing in my own filth. I had a single fry from my friend's Brower take-out and nearly shit my brains out by the time we got to Public Safety. Had to ride my way around C/D before I could get back to Brett Hall and shower. (Can someone help me to understand what’s going on here? Did someone not tell you that you’re smelly?)
At this point, is it even my fault if I pop a boner on the bus with all these ladies showing so much skin around me?
(At that point, you’d be called a rapist if within the vicinity of Douglass)
To all the bros at Brower last Sunday who swaggered on in wearing wifebeaters, that is NOT a good look for you, ever. You all look like 12 year olds on steroids wearing rags on trains and shit.
My friend creeps out girls on the bus, even when he's sober. Is there a polite way to tell him to knock it off? (Nah. Kill him.)
EAGLE 5: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. OVER. HOUSTON: COMING IN EAGLE 5. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? OVER. EAGLE 5: PEOPLE AREN’T SENDING ENOUGH PERSONALS AND I’M MAKING UP HALF OF THIS SHIT. OVER. HOUSTON: ACTIVATE CRISIS MODE! REST ASSURED EAGLE 5, WE WILL BE SENDING REINFORCEMENTS STAT! OVER. EAGLE 5: SEND PERSONALS! OVER.
MERMAIDS Sometimes I feel like I’m a human siren or something. Just the other day, I was working at the warehouse and one of the older guys waved and said hi to me and I said hi back. But he wasn’t looking where he was walking and he almost got run over by a forklift! So awkward, but to be honest, I laughed.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Why go to church when you can read Invader Zim fanfiction instead?”
SPRING UP
(But was he juiced, ‘bro’? Was he yolked? Was he SWOLE, brah?)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2014
SPACE FILLER Hurr durr durrr finals durr durrr frat boys duuuhhhhh the BUS bluh bluh bluh sexual hurrr durr human centipede rocks! hurr durr druuuu bruuu hurrr durr upgrayedd pimp le (Submit more shit, guys. Ya’ll are WEAK)
YURI OF THE WEEK: MADOKA/HOMURA
I’VE GOT A BEEF To My ex, What the fuck are you doing on campus? You already graduated and you have a job with a salary! Stop mooching off of undergrads for free food. (How dare he try to sustain himself for a low cost because he works a minimum wage salary. ) Hey, you think I didn’t notice you picking your nose in the library and flicking it on the floor? Disgusting. Next time you’re up there, see if you can pick out a Cadillac for me. Who the fuck put parental controls on the computers in this room? When I’m the only one here at 2 AM, I need to get my creative juices flowing. Can’t do that with no porn!
WEEKLY REPORT You’ll be happy to note, dear readers, that I got a
virtual SHITTON of free goodies at Exxxotica (Stay tuned for more updates!). Granted, not all the stuff I got was *free,* per se, so if you’re the guy that I stole the $5,000 dual-action vibrating dildo from, I am deeply sorr- ooooooh SHIT aw man YES YES YES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SUBMIT PERSONAL TO: themedium.personals@gmail.com tweet us @mediumpersonals please fill up my columns!~~~
ADVICE
DIVERSITY
Dear Personals Editor, Should I get a penis enlargement surgery? My friend tells me that it could add at most an inch but there's also a risk of me losing an inch. Is it worth it?
I'm so in love with the diversity at Rutgers. I just saw an attractive white male sit next to an kind of ugly black chick on the bus. We're almost to equality! But, you know what really grinds my gears? when three black people are sitting next to each other on the bus. Ugh, why can't they separate themselves and spread themselves among the whities?
(Bitch I don’t give a shit what happens to your wing wang)
Dear Personals Editor, My roommate doesn't shower. How can I get him to?
(Next time it rains, lock (Dr. King would be ashamed him out of the building for of their behavior, I’m sure) 5-10 minutes) I have an Asian business I'm an atheist. I don't professor that I think have any room for that always gets a little disunintelligent nonsense. tressed during class beBut my parents go to cause none of the white church twice a year. girls participate in class How can I come out to discussions. my oppressors? Anemic people should (Bring home a dude and not have sex. start sucking his dick (Well, alrighty then.) in front of your ‘oppressors.’ Then stop, wipe your There are so many girls mouth, and tell them “Just out there with rockin’ kidding, I’m not gay. I’m bodies and beauteous an athiest). asses, but they all have ugly AF faces. This is the Dear Anime Hair, man’s eternal struggle. How can I mooch off my parents and not feel like (Omg, yes.) a failure? To the weirdo who (Is that really your biggest thought it was funny problem, jackass? You know singing “Lowrider” by a lot of students here are War in the men’s room, paying all their own bills do you think I’m George because they’re white but Lopez or were you just cruising for gay sex? I still have poor parents?) was confused.
Wednesday, April 16th, 2014
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PAGE A7
“I’ve been thinking about getting into cinderblock repair.”
the Medium
FINALISTS- VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE TODAY AT RUPA.RUTGERS.EDU!
SPONSORED BY:
Wednesday, April 16th, 8PM: Cook Campus Center, MPR
My Best Friend is a Goose! Directed by: Cameron Crowe Synopsis: This movie, starring Connie Reed the goose and an unknown newcomer, is a heartwarming story about the unlikely friendship between a girl and a goose. Watch as their robust friendship stays strong, despite all of the haters that come after them and they say “Talk to the hand, loser.” A family friendy movie for animal lovers of all ages.
The Untold Secrets of Ped Xing Directed by: Tamara Wyatt Synopsis: Follow investigative reporter Sally Anderson as she takes the audiences through the elusive mystery of Ped Xing. Discover the answers to: Why the color yellow? Why no neck and butt? Where’d he’d get those pants? And more. Footloose! 2 Directed by: Kevin’s Bacon’s wife Synopsis: Filmed at the New Brunswick train station and making her directorial debut, Kevin’s Bacon’s wife is revealing the darkly comical secret behind zombie’s weird, coarse noises-- incessant orgasms. Yes. Zombies are always having orgasms-massive orgasms! A zombie apocalypse movie splattered with foot-breaking dance numbers that is more bloody than bloody Mary’s virgin blood. Oh and there’s going to feature a sexy, rotten feet! Watch this charming, amusing cast break their legs! Get it?
Post Partum Directed by: Courtney Love Synopsis: Dave Grohl is the ultimate rockstar. He’s been in a bajillion bands, makes millions of dollars, and has plenty of chicks throw themselves at him. Suddenly, he finds himself with child and now has to take care of his baby daughter Violet. Watch him spiral into a post partum disbelief that he could wrap himself up in this kind of mess. SURGERY
...continued from Sports
nowned sports doctor, warned, “It just shows that we cannot let our kids play this dangerous game. They put too much stress on their arms that cause these injuries. Even thinking about throwing the baseball caused Andy’s body to go insane and snap his delicate little ligaments.” Andy now hates baseball, mostly the New York Mets, and his family was now considering signing him up to play football in the fall since “there is little risk of having a devastating injury.”
APRIL 16th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
IDIOT WANTS TO BUY BUFFALO BILLS BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
BUFFALO, NY—The nation's village idiot recently entertained the United States by stating his plan to buy the Buffalo Bills football team. Donald Trump, known for looking like he's stuck in an eighties time warp and his absurd ego, stated his interest in the NFL franchise after long-time owner Ralph Wilson passed away last month. "This team will become the greatest team in any sport in the history of the Earth or any other other inhabited planet," the idiot said. "Trump Enterprises has consistently made excellent investments and we expect no less with Buffalo." The Bills have not made the playoffs since 1999 and finished last in the AFC East with a 6-10 record but the idiot said he intends to immediately field a competitive team. "The Apprentice has been the top-rated television show for the past fourteen seasons and my casinos in Atlantic City are turning the greatest profits they ever have, so this franchise will follow their lead," the oblivi-
ous idiot said, pointing out two completely false facts. The team's status in Buffalo is threatened as they are often linked with relocation to larger markets in Los Angeles or Toronto. However, the idiot plans on keeping the team in Buffalo but renaming them, the "Dons". "It was bad when we lost four Super Bowls in a row, then had to deal with the OJ murder trial, and watching those damn Patriots win three rings," said longtime fan Henry Charles, "but this is clearly the worst thing to ever happen to my Bills. I might go impale myself in an abandoned factory."
Five Takes on The Targum's "Five Takes on Julie Hermann, Star-Ledger situation" BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The Daily Targum, Rutgers’ esteemed newspaper of highest journalistic integrity that all shall bow to, recently responded to Julie Hermann’s comments about the demise of The Star Ledger, multiple times actually. In The Medium’s own pursuit of not reporting news but commenting on others' works, we present our five takes on their former sports editor Josh Bakan’s five takes, making that ten takes, or 5 x 2, or 5^2 number of takes overall. The last time we heard from Bakan in an editorial, he commented on Deadspin’s list of each state’s most famous food in a rebuttal entitled “Saltwater taffy does not represent NJ.” As he has tackled the tough questions in these two editorials, we at The Medium respect his courage and are inspired to create this list. 1. Does Josh Bakan still hate saltwater taffy? We have not heard from him since that article in which he mentioned “Finger Marie cookies (?)”, “hot wieners”, and “clusterfuck”. You know, to be edgy the same way your professor is when he says, "shit." So we do not know if he has updated his opinion of the Shore’s favorite candy. 2. Do they have saltwater taffy in Massachusetts? Who better to suggest what does or does not represent New Jersey than a Massachusetts-native? Your secret is out, Bakan. Can you get saltwater taffy in the land of the Sox or do they over there have harborwater tea-taffy? 3. Has Julie Hermann ever had saltwater taffy? Bakan mentions that Muckgers, who initially published the story, deceived Hermann. But has she deceived Rutgers and the Great State of New Jersey? Nowhere on the record has Hermann stated her feelings about saltwater taffy, or if she has even tried it. Is it really ethical, a word used in the Targum article to great effect, for her to have no comment on whether or not it represents the state?
5-year-old needs Tommy John Surgery after Looking at Ball BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR
QUEENS, NY—After going to his first baseball game last week, local 5-year-old Andy Harrison was reported saying that he would like to play baseball. The young Harrison told his parents around the sixth inning that he wanted to play baseball this coming spring, and wanted to be a pitcher, just like his new favorite player, New York Mets starter Zach Wheeler. “Zach threw the ball wreally fast! Fast! Fast! Fast!” Harrison was quoted saying on the car ride home. However, tragedy struck
4. If saltwater taffy made the same comments, would the Targum report it? In a sports season without football or basketball, the Targum has written countless articles (Editor’s note: I lack the ability to count.) regarding Hermann’s comments and the media’s response. If saltafter Harrison found a baseball water taffy, an inanimated object, said that it “would be great” if in his garage and thought about The Star Ledger died, would the Targum still have this Malaysia 370/ throwing it. “My arm wreally Tim Tebow/OJ-style coverage of the situation? hurts, it hurts wreally bad,” cried the innocent looking Har- 5. Saltwater taffy is not as much of a hack as you think. rison before sharing that it felt I’ve had saltwater taffy several times so I know a different saltwater like someone was pinching his taffy than Bakan and his Codfish State brethren construe. It is true elbow. The family then found that fat sandwiches are excellent, as is pork roll (not Taylor ham, out that little Andy had torn you North Jersey ‘clusterfucks’), but saltwater taffy becomes a tasty a ligament in his right elbow treat when you are down to your final dollar after an Atlantic City from thinking about throwing night of Roulette and $10 rum-and-cokes. the baseball, and would need the infamous Tommy John sur- Stay tuned for the Targum’s response to this next week, “Five Takes gery. to The Medium’s Five Takes to Five Takes on Julie Hermann, The Star “I don’t wanna have sir-gur- Ledger situation.” ry. The doctor told me it was gonna hurt wreally bad. Why did this have to whappen?” Dr. James Andrews, a reContinued on Page A7
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