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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xli Issue xxiII
50¢
April 20th, 2011
HE'LL BANG YOU
PROCRASTERBATION
RUTGERS PR DEPT OUT TO LUNCH; HAS NOT COME BACK YET BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
CUBICLE HELL—With negative press at an all-time high for the University, the last thing Director of Public Relations Frank Kafka would expect from his staff is a “extremely excessive” lunch break. But, as of 6:00pm Tuesday evening, that is exactly what is happening. The staff, including PR specialists, secretaries, support personnel and even janitors, all promptly left at 12:30pm on Monday with the expressed intent of getting food before returning to the office. “Everything seemed fine Monday morning,” said Kafka. “That day was very normal. I was going over projects that had to be taken care of, such as tying up loose ends with the whole Snooki thing, our women’s loss in the Big East tournament, and coverage of all the other tragedies and mishaps the University has encountered over the 2010-
"Oh, toats, man. I downed at least a dozen. That was some good shit. What, some dudes got hurt? Well yah, I got a little fucked up too, not gonna lie. Hey, you look kind of pissed all of a sudden. Looks like you could use a shot yourself..."
KINDLE MY ASS
Barnes and Nobles decides to occupy entire Gateway Center
EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES... Thankfully, their absence save the University money on Air-Conditioning. 2011 school year.” Kafka had reportedly moved onto the subject of the four separate shootings that occurred during the evening following Rutgersfest when PR specialist Jim Halburn looked
at his watch, commented on the time and suggested that everyone take a lunch break. “I suggested that we wait until the meeting adjourns to go lunch but [Halburn] muttered Continued on next page
JEEPERS CREEPERS!
Creepers' hopes rise with temperatures BY JOHNNY EVERHARD STAFF WRITER
BUSCH- With the weather in Jersey finally getting into more bearable temperatures, the Garden Sates’ local stalkers and creepers began popping out of their grandmother’s basements to get a glimpse of the best girls Jersey has to offer. As the weather gets warmer, the more curious they’ve become, even so much as to follow Rutgers athletics’ players. Recently the Rutgers softball team has had a run-in with one of Brunswick’s own Keith Lurker. He was first seen going to their home games and was eventually spotted walking behind the girls to their apartments. When asked about his recent activities Lurker angrily responded, “Can’t a guy get a fuckin autograph? I’ve called
Student claims to have taken "way more than four shots" at Rutgersfest
that outfielder’s house for weeks now but she has yet to get back to me.” And while the weather is indeed getting warmer, the school year was getting shorter, leading creepers to become increasingly aggressive. “We’re trying to make a quota here,” said creep Leroy Van Der Hoot, “at the end of every semester we gather at McCormick’s pub and brag about how many lovely ladies we’ve creeped on. Some of us even have a pot of money going on which girl we’ve creeped on was the hottest. We bring in pictures and whichever one we judge to be the hottest wins the pot. It’s a great way for us creeps to get together to share both the tales and tactics of the trade.” President McCormick, unhappy that his pub is getting negative publicity, has promised to put his best men up to
"It's just going to be books! 14 floors...of books! 9 stories of parking... for books! We'll fucking teach the books to drive so they can park! There's going to be books about books! So many motherfuckin books!" said city spokesman Bill Bray between stifled sobs, upon not being able to procure any other tenants for the new building.
AHOY!
Somali Pirates join lineup of Pittsburgh Pirates “We decided to take radical attempts to end the 18 year losing skid,” noted Manager Clint Hurdle. They’re off to a decent start so far, despite the fact that Left Fielder Jose Tabata is being held hostage for $3.5 million. stop them. “I’ve got my ace in the hole, Kenneth B. Cop, on the scene. How can we lose?” Emails have been sent out to all Rutgers students advising them to avoid “males ranging from 30 to 50, wearing ruffled clothes and sporting scruffy facial hair”.
Fuck Out-of-Towners ESTABLISHED 1970
HEALTHY
Smell in Easton gym improves after fart BRAAAAINS
Zombie FDR announces 2012 candidacy
THE MEDIUM
QUICKIES "I can't wait to put it in my mouth..."
BOOM
COMPRENDER
NEWS IN PICTURES
NATO Bombs NATO
Janitors with weak grasp of English throw away all of Tent State's tents
After bombing campaigns that killed friendly troops, staffers from NATO discovered that their missile guidance system programmer had made a fatal error. "We had made a list of places not to bomb because they are nice places but we accidentally put the list in the "Bomb As Needed" category," said Sven Richalds, a NATO representative. "But there is no need to worry becaus- HOLY SHIT ITS COMING RIGHT AT US!"
"I told you, man! I heard everyone was 'pitching tents.' So I pitched all the tents. Christ man, I'm a janitor I tell you. Don't you know what that means? I do the cleaning!" said Javier Mendez.
RELATIONAL MATH
THE MOVEMENT!
Walk into Action organizer walks in on roommate having sex "God damn... you know what? I'll take it. I walked in on action. There, I accomplished something after spending four months of my existence putting together this freaking event that got mediocre attendance. Someone just tell me who the fuck wrote the time and location in yellow chalk that no one could see from the street?!
IT'S NOT ELEMENTARY
FAA Orders Mandatory Removal of Beds from Air Traffic Control Rooms In a surprise decision by the Federal Aviation Administration, all seating implements that can be used for reclining will be removed from inside the air traffic control rooms. This decision comes after numerous reports of controllers falling asleep at the controls, leaving airplanes stranded in
DA PO-LEESE
the sky, unable to land. "Granted it is more ergonomic to do some functions of the task laying down, but we can't risk it anymore," said spokesman James Karmen. Items that will be removed include beds, cots, La-Z-Boy chairs, couches, ottomans and nap mats
FROM THE BLOCK
Kenneth B. Cop starts Sober people at Childhood studies rampage to send out RUfest saw J-Lo permajor suspicious pro- more Crime Alerts form with Pitbull gram might be more RUPD officers have admitted So one person noticed... than elementary level that the suspects in a string of recent Crime Alerts were actucoursework ally Captain Kenneth B. Cop. Of- AWW... "Oh shit, this program is so fucking misleading!" said freshman Steve Brown, as he looked over his essay prompt on cognition development. "This must be for, like 'genius studies' majors or whatever. Yeah, it's all a little mistake, that's all... fuck."
ficers were suspicious when the You were expecting alerts described suspects as "incredibly handsome," and "well- weed jokes weren't built but not too much." Captain you? Cop is wanted for 5 counts of assault and 2 counts of stalk- Up in smoke are you? But it's ing. He is described as wearing 4-20!! Well we can't all get what we want chump-o. a puffy vest and Air Jordans.
Have a High old time with the Medium, old chap
I don't be a drag! Meeting tonight RSC 410 at 8 pm
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
Wednesday, April 20th, 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
PR: continued from front something about having a reservation and a diet that involves eating at the same time every day.” “They told me they would only be going across the street to that little Mexican place we always go to,” said Kafka, currently the only person occupying the offices of Public Relations on Busch Campus. “I offered to go with them, but they all convinced me to stay here and that News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Tinsley Resident changes status to "It's complicated" with calc problem set "I had my suspicions," said Joe Wilson on his roommate's Facebook status regarding his math homework "He was spending way too much time with it for there to be nothing going on." When asked why the ambiguous "It's complicated" was chosen, Wilson replied "I think he just needs time to figure out where his head's at with his problem set. Can't say he's not making an effort. He wants to totally do it eventually."
PROGRAM LAUNCH
Rutgers NASA shuttle will take students to satellite campus Tuition at the satellite campus has been skyrocketing ever since it opened last month, but students say the astronomical prices are justified. "I hear the dorms there are pretty sweet," commented sophomore Mac McGregor. "Like, they just have way more space." they would pick something up for me.” Added Kafka, “I need to get some more work done anyway. I hope they get back from lunch soon. We have a lot of work to get done and not a lot of time to do it.” At press time, Kafka remains alone in the unoccupied office patiently waiting for his chicken quesadilla with extra guacamole and a Dr. Pepper. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Secretary Douche Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Kenneth Brooks John Eberhardt Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to all the small children I saw at the Rutgersfest concert. Because a concert full of drunk college kids is totally the place to bring your kids on the weekend.
www.rutgersmedium.com
FEATURES
Wednesday, Happy 4:20, 2011
“FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVV” MARCH/APRIL MADNESS
WINNER!
THE MEDIUM
Ways I have disrespected women’s rights while living on Douglass by Moushie For the past year, I have been living on the gorgeous Douglass Campus in the Henderson Apartments. Only it is not gorgeous, it is really shitty and stupid and the only reason you would live on Douglass is because you’re a Women’s Studies major. If you aren’t totally focused on that, then you’ll just start to notice every way in which you submit to a heteronormative, male dominated society and are pretty okay with it.
By Russian Mail-Order Bride, Features Editor After over a month of weekly standup contests, Dan Speiser was declared the winner last Thursday. Dan was the crowd favorite at the final head-tohead competition. Q: When did you start performing standup? A: About a month ago, but I’ve always been a clown...
1) I have started referring to every female stranger as “This Bitch” If I’m in polite company, I might replace it with “This chick” instead, but either way, it is a derogatory term and it doesn’t acknowledge females as human beings who are able to contribute to society. When I see Julie Benz in any TV show besides Dexter, she is always going to be “That bitch from Dexter” and not “That woman from Dexter” or “That actress from Dexter.” And it’s not that I don’t like her, I am very happy that this bitch from Dexter is a successful actress who does a good job at it. It’s just that all women are bitches to me. 2) I realized that I love to clean One of the things you’re warned about by everybody when you first start living in an apartment rather than a dorm is that you have to clean everything. I thought it would be a hassle but I find it enjoyable. I do the dishes, I clean the counters, clean my room, and I am happy. I could go to grad school and have a career, that’s interesting to me, but if things change and I get married and stay at home and clean, then I could deal with that and actually feel alright. 3) I don’t like other girls that don’t wear makeup I think that females should wear makeup. I wear a lot of makeup. Maybe I inherently believe that women are objects for men to look at, but I can’t stand it when I see a girl who is clearly not wearing at least some mascara. You don’t have to wear three shades of blended eyeshadow, just, at least throw on some lipgloss. People have to look at you when you are out in public.
Q: Why did you start performing standup comedy? A: Because I’m fucking hilarious. Q: Where do you get your inspiration? Headshot taken by Aymann Ismail A: Well, life is pretty funny. Also, weed, a little bit of booze, and of course Rutgersfest. Q: Who is your favorite standup comedian? A: Dave Chappelle, definitely. I also like Hannibal Buress, he’s more upand-coming, but I would cite his style as an influence. Q: What did you think of the March Madness competition? A: It was fun, but also tough preparing for the different length sets. I did my best to watch game tapes of all the Q: What are you going to do with your $500 prize? A: I’ll make it rain on dem hoes, maybe shoot a rap video, and treat all my friends to ice cream. Q: Any upcoming shows Medium readers should know about? A: I’m going to be opening for a big name at some point in the near future; I’ll let the Medium know when I find out.
STUDENT OF
4) I have a lot of aspirations but none of them are related to my gender.
Name: Joe Zorzi
I am a science major, I write comedy articles and comics, and all of these fields are heavily male dominated. In fact, you almost can’t think of a description of a better female role model. But I’m not doing any of it to be a representative of my gender. I think most girls are dumb and shouldn’t waste their time studying science or trying to be funny. I don’t care if women are represented in higher numbers in math classes, and I don’t care if I’m one of 10 girls in a Calc III lecture. To go further, I think a lot of Women’s Studies majors are very untalented and are the worst people to advance the place of women in society.
Major: Cheeseburgers
PERSONALITY QUIZ
What your favorite Star Wars characters say about your personality
Year: Sloshedmore Job: Taste Tester Resides: The United States of Leland Let’s put it this way, when people see Joe on campus, they immediately experience jealousy, paranoia, and anxiety. There’s no doubt the pressure to be like Joe is insurmountable but it’s hard to be as cool as this modern day philosopher. When he’s not producing sick beats and protesting higher tuition
LOVE CONNECTION
(If your favorite character is...then...)
Princess Leia--You are a man-hating dyke. Jabba the Hut--You are a fat fuck who finds comfort in knowing that somewhere in a galaxy far, far away lived an even bigger and more grotesque amorphous creature than yourself. Han Solo--You are a narcissistic, asshole bro that jacks off to your own picture on a daily basis. Lando Calirissian--You are the token minority in your group of friends, and have a deep understanding of Lando’s character. Obi Wan Kenobi--You are a wise father, or perhaps a zen monk. Chewbacca--You are a dirty hippie who believes that the cultural norm of shaving is a conspiracy by Bic and Gilette to take over the world. The “Stay On Target” guy--You always stay on target!
Submit to features@rutgersmedium.com
THE WEEK Interests Being in a band, water/ coffee/beer diet, rollerblading food to people’s cars, Boy Meets World, Rutgers Review, running around his classrooms multiple times. fees, Joe can be found dropping knowledge on his peers. “Be where we are,” says Zorzi in regards to reconfirming location. He is also a steady contributor to the Foundation for Lacrosse-Related Injuries.
Richie McScemi Occupation: Emperor!
Boardwalk
Description: It’s the forgotten love child of Richard McCormick and Steve Buscemi! He’s single, ladies, in case you’re interested. In his spare time, Richie McScemi enjoys fly fishing, playing chess, and eating pussy. Looking For: Must have legs and a vagina; preferably human, but goats will also suffice.
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED
Wednesday April 20th, 2011
“I am running out of strange opinions pieces from unbelievable narrators.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
This Funeral Home Has a Long Tradition of Customer Care and Genetic Experiments to Bring Dead Loved Ones to Life
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Listen David, We Need to Talk. This is SO Tough For Me to Say but I Think We… BY AMANDA HANSON
BY TOM RYAN After t h e death of a friend or family member, the last thing anyone wants to consider is how to arrange the services. That’s why we at Ryan’s Funeral Home are proud to offer the best in customer care and morally ambiguous attempts to raise the dead. Our home is well known and respected for its commitment to aiding people through their grief and giving them the opportunities to see their loved ones again. If those ones are in a coffin or roaming the earth once again, that’s entirely your choice. With our help, there is no need to fill out the difficult and time consuming paperwork associated with funerals. Our certified funeral
ADVICE
directors are trained to take care of it for you and guide you through the grieving process. But if the thought of losing your loved one forever is too much to bear then we introduce you to a scientist who
“Sometimes when we resurrect the dead they come back... wrong.” can deal in rejuvenating dead flesh. They won’t ask any uncomfortable questions and instead get right into electrocuting the recently deceased. We can assure you they were asked to leave some of the top Universities in the country. We were rated by the Orange Country Sun
as the best local funeral home for Wait hang on. HEY! YOU GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE! NO! Someone tranquilize this man! Jesus, it’s scary when they break out... Oh yeah, that’s something I guess we should mention about raising the dead. Sometimes when we resurrect the dead they come back...wrong. They aren’t always the person you recognized when they were alive. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’re zombies. But the way they look... and smell..sometimes it makes me wonder... Anyway, when you consider who should help with the most trying time in your life, remember Ryan’s funeral home and our commitment to excellence and eternal life.
Need a Dog? I Was Thinking the Same Thing! Maybe Something Small But Not BY DAVID JACOBS
No Dave, You’re Not Listening to Me. You Barely Ever Listen! Why!? BY AMANDA HANSON
Wait. Are You Breaking Up With Me? You’re Seriously Breaking Up With Me!? BY DAVID JACOBS
Yes. It’s Something I Needed to Say. I’ve Been Thinking About it For a While. BY AMANDA HANSON
Wait, So The Time We Did a Point/Counterpoint on the Higher Education Bill? BY DAVID JACOBS
Ask a Vacuum Salesman
Dear Vacuum Salesman, I am looking to change my diet so that I could lose weight for the summer. Is there any way you can help me? -Shapely in Seattle Dear Shapely, You still have plenty of time to lose those extra pounds before you head to the beach. But diet is not the only way to lose weight. Another way is good, old-fashioned exercise. You don’t even have to lift weights or go to the gym. You can do simple things like take a brisk walk or, perhaps, clean your house. Did you know you burn seventy calories more per hour vacuuming your house than if you sat on the couch and watched TV? While vacuuming, you can still watch all the TV you want! Tell ya what, if you buy this vacuum I’ll throw in a set of ankle weights so you can burn the calories even faster! Dear Vacuum Salesman, My husband and I are getting a divorce after seven long years of marriage. I don’t think I’ll be able to cope with this major change. How can I adjust without having a breakdown? -Sad in Saskatoon Dear Sad, I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. But at least a good, sturdy high quality vacuum will never abandon you, especially if you add on the five-year limited warranty. Your vacuum will stay by your side through thick and thin and will pick up all of the dirt, dust and lint on your floor. It has a convenient tube option so it can help you with high-shelves. Really, its better than any husband ever could be. But, if you don’t feel the vacuum is right for you than I’d like to mention that my wife left me a few years ago and I’m looking to get back on the dating scene. We should meet up and talk. I’ll even bring a vacuum for you to try out.
I Said That Stuff to Make You Happy. It Was Because I Love You! That’s Why I Want Us to Be Friends. BY AMANDA HANSON
You Can’t Just Say We’re Friends! We Have to Agree to the Separation For it to Work! BY DAVID JACOBS
No, That’s Treating This Like a Contract. If One of Us Is Done, It’s Done! You’re Such an Asshole! BY AMANDA HANSON
SEE! We Can Still Argue! This Can Work! Please, Just One More Counterpoint! BY DAVID JACOBS
I’m Sorry, David. It’s Over. Goodbye. BY AMANDA HANSON
Wednesday, April 20th, 2011
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “Gaypril showers bring gay flowers.”
COMICS
send comics, graffiti, or music reviews to
arts@rutgersmedium.com
THE MEDIUM CELEBRATES GAYPRIL
You played with paper dolls as a kid. That’s why you’re gay. Cut out along the solid lines and fold along the the dotted lines.
Five Songs about Drag Queens ...in order of increasing gayness.
1 Cherry Lips
Garbage
2 Girls & Boys
Blur
3 Lola
GRAFFITI
The Kinks
4 She’s My Man
Scissor Sisters
5 LadyBoy
Location: Dumpster across from Skinny Vinny’s
RuPaul
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS “I’m having a shitty day, so no funny quote for you, bitch.”
R
I DO DECLARE,
YOU PEOPLE
Dear Ex-Boyfriend, Chances are, I am the best thing that could have ever happened to you. I was so upset at you at first because you decided to be a total dick last week and try to talk to other girls. I’ve thought about it and I have no choice but to forgive you and move on with my life. You made a choice and I have no choice but to accept that it is fate. I need not worry that you will ever forget me because a part of me will always be with you. Everytime you feel an itching sensation on your two inch dick, remember me as the bitch that made you itch. You have herpes. Love, You Know Who <3
To the guy outside of the college ave student center doing some type of weird ethnic dance... what the fuck exactly are you doing. You look like you’re having a vertical seizure.
Dear Busch Diningh Hall: Your cups are so clean lately. I no longer have to fear the glasses are coated in semen from a distressed employee... I hope not. Well thanks for washing them.
To the girl at the grease trucks I talked to who ordered two different fat sandwiches. I like a woman with a little meat on her. Holla.
(There is a napkin board for that. These are the personals.)
(That is extremely disturbing.) To *ex-girlfriend*: Even though you were a complete bitch about it, you did nothing but help mewhen you broke up with me. I was only withw you for sex so as you became less attractive it became more and more awkward to be around you. (That is extremely rude.) To the girl I talked to at the weekend bus stop on Douglass by the DCC... You are so beautiful. Not even just looks alone, but you seem really smart and funny. Why can’t more girls at rutgers be like you and not a whole bunch of screaming sluts who like to get hammered and act like their pusies are the holy grail and shit. (That is extremely true.) To the reader of this page... I’m out of stuff for this category but I’m not going to start a new one here so .... yeah. Ok.
Weednesday, April 20, 2011
(Yeah. She’s really gonna holla at you through the newspaper...) To the boy on the bike who almost hit me riding by Brower. What the fuck is wrong wiht you? (Uh. That’s it?) Dear Mr. Awesome: You smiled at me in Brower today again, and I said hello. Then you dropped your glass of orange crush and broke it on the floor. I still think you’re awesome though :) (I don’t care?) To the german guy who keeps sending me Spam E-Mails in german. I know you go to Rutgers because you only send to rutgers e-mail addresses. When i find you, I am going to go reverse nazi on you. (That’s not nice. Tsk tsk,.) to the girl who think she’s a psychologist. you aren’t. and i don’t want to talk to you about my life. sincerely- not interested in chatting
To whomever is doing construction at 9 in the fucking morning outside of my dorm. Go rot in hell. I had a long night last night and I had no intention of being waken up by jackhammers and whatever other fucking machines are out there... To the idiot bus driver that pulled off because he decided to park like all the way at the back of the bus line and not wait for anyone to come towards the bus. That was a seriously douche move. To the sweet dining hall swipe lady at Brower who isn’t Mama Brower. You are so underrated. We love you! To drunk Rutgers idiots: im pretty sure i would much rather get shit face with you than dealing with people getting shit faced and vommiting everywhere. (Who Wouldn’t?)
To the cop that gave me a ticket for idling for 5 minutes while I dropped something off. I hope you feel good about what (Okay. Sincerely, not in- you do. I really do. terested in hearing about personals@ this.)
to my stupid ex boyfriend from high school. we dated in fucking high school. leave it at that. i have a boyfriend. get over it! (Restraining order in the making...)
I’m getting sick of making this funny, ...We broke so give us your fuckin’ money!!! ADVERTISE WITH THE MEDIUM Large print audience ... Cheap Rates ... Online PDF Edition posted weekly... Cheap rates ... What more could you ask for ... Cheap Rates? We’ve got’em!
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rutgersmedium.com
VERY, VERY ...
WEIRD!
to the girls who rep jersey and aren’t from here.. go the fuck back to where you came from. we don’t like you
to the greeks that think that thats the only thing that exists, there is so much more to life then the 3 fucking letters you wear on your chest. get over yourselves
(Very very true. Like girls from Connecticut. What are they even doing here? WTF!!) to the dumb bitches in frelinghuysen who take the elevator to the 2nd floor, you need to work on your ass anyway- take the fucking stairs (Very very bitchy. Maybe their feet hurt. Dam its a public elevator get the fuck over it like your time is so valuable.) when i asked you if the seat was taken i didnt ask for a side of attitude and dirty looks, just asked you to move your bag clearly your life is miserable (Very very rude. You should have slapped that bitch across the face and thrown her bag down.)
To all the people who make fun of me for smoking cigars.. id rather suck on that then the dick you suck on the weekends (Yeah because you only love women and you hate men. That’s an inside joke, Rutgers. I’m running outta shit to write. You know why? Because no one is sending me shit anymore. Stop sitting around like little bitches and start writing shit so I don’t have to sit here for hours outsourcing my page to the general public motherfuckers.) to the person I just saw totally trip, fall, and roll over 2 times on Morrell street. Thanks - I needed that laugh.
Real Advertisement
PERSONALS
420
“This page also serves as fine rolling paper.” BITCHIN’
WAIT...WHAT?
CRAZY? PROLLY...
To be honest, I thought when someone was shot in the ass Friday that some drunk white kid was acting all macho and wanted to be shot at point blank. I would just like to thank RUPA for inviting all of inner-city Newark to Rutgersfest Friday. I had a great time evading potential shooters, and trying not to get shanked in the back. Possible suggestions for next-year, give out tickets to the concert for STUDENTS ONLY, or hire some white ass band like Phish to do the concert instead of some gangster shit. Either that, or you can provide us all with handguns so we can protect ourselves. (Yeah that’s a great idea. Drunken Rutgers students. With guns.) To the Girl who made fish stew thursday night, THANKS SO MUCH. The kitchen still smells like nasty fish. There should be a rule against cooking foul smelling food in communal kitchens. To whoever left their tie after my party on Friday. Thanks a lot bro, I used it for my interview. TO DA MOTHER FUCKERS WHO WENT ON THAT NABISCO FIELD TRIP. FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR FREE COOKIES. I HOPE NEXT TIME YOUR DOING YOUR BF, YOUR COCK GETS FULL OF ALL THE MAGGOTS HE SHITS OUT FROM EATING THOSE GODDAMN COOKIES. If you think this can’t happen, look up maggot infested penis online. its a video of my bro after he FUCKED YOUR MOM. (Hey, some people have an Oedipus complex and that’s...ok I guess.) To the cute lil azn girl i made out with at passion puddle last week, i love the feel of ur ass. To the girl in my Feminist Theory class; I get that you are moved by the spirit of Jesus and your iPod, but could you tone it the fuck down? This isn’t Jesus Camp. I also hope you get insanely fat from eating all of those chips. Hey roommate; There is a reason why we exclude you. Figure it out already.
To the weather; Can we fucking stop with all the damn rain? This isn’t fucking Seattle. To the kid who is currently sitting across from me in the DCC; I think you are kind of creepy and you’re taste in music is really awful. RUWireless Secure; Please do us all a favor and get your shit together already with the damn access problem. My router at home is better, and I set that up myself. (Oh aren’t you special? Setting up your own router? Wow. You mus be like, a fucking electrical engineer or some shit. Bra-vo. You know what? No one cares about you and your stupid ass router. Mine is better anyway so, whatever. I challenge you!) To all the non-Rutgers people who came to RutgersFest: thanks for just about fucking it up for everyone. Thanks to your hood rat antics, gang violence, and overall illiteracy-driven nonsense, we might not even have a RutgersFest next year. You pretty much smeared a massive shit stain down an already bare-naked ass of Rutgers for all of NJ and the rest of the nation to see. New Gunswick wants you to GTFO!!!! (New Gunswick. Ha. Aren’t you clever? Seriously though, that shit is ruined forever. We’re lucky if that ever happens again. If it does, RUPA is probably going to book a clown that makes balloon animals. So thanks a lot, dumb asses.) You pathetic fucking scumbag, your jokes aren’t funny and nobody likes partying with you. Also that 47inch tv you have doesn’t make up for your small dick. PS, ur ginger roommate is cooler than you. (Ok so penis size is relational to the size of one’s tv? Really? So if you watch tv on a fucking Samsung the size of a goddamn postage stamp that means what? That you have the largest penis at Rutgers? You just sound like a bitter asshole who is jealous of something so stupid like a television. There are better things to get pissed about.)
To the girl in my Witchcraft & Magic class; Looking at you sometimes really frightens me more than that undead Nosferatu creeper. To the girl in my Feminist Theory class who said “Its like she knows everything about EVERYTHING.” I am disappoint. To my car; Why don’t you work? Your inhibiting my freedom and now I feel suffocated. (I know for a fact that you can drive a car with a missing bumper and a spare tire for about a month before you start to have any problems...) To the person who was humming to themselves on the second floor of the DCC; I just wanted to let you know that I was considering hurling my laptop at your head. To the girl limping in Mettler because of her new foot tattoo: You’re extremely beautiful and I hope you feel better soon! (Please. Save that shit for ilovethepersonals. Your dumb ass proclamations of love, sunshine, and rainbows have no place here on my page of hate.) Stop acting like you’re above everyone else around, your frat requires a 3.2 GPA. Honors? I don’t think so. That being said, it’s not like the majors in your frat are even legit SCIENCE majors, Environmental Science? Ok. Yay rocks and trees. Also, if you’re all so awesome why do you work so hard to keep the group together? Oh right, because nothing screams badass quite like Mode and Sky Blue. (My question is, why the fuck do you care? It looks like you know waaaayyy too much about this person anyway. How about you go out and get yourself a fucking hobby or something instead of being creepy? I for one, know creepy, and this is a fine example of that. But I do have to agree, I don’t think Environmental Science is all that difficult. The “Yay rocks and trees” made me LOL...) To Officer Sugalumps; You are in fact, not my hero. Sorry, but horses are just really scary.
THE MEDIUM
Creepy, pale, ninja with the scary eyes says; “I know your license plate number.” personals@rutgersmedium.com. RANTY ASSHAT
I DON’T ASK
Okay, so basically here I go. To the faggot cliquey son of a bitch. NIGGA. GO BACK TO BEING A FUCKING COMMUTER. STOP RUINING ALL OF OUR LIVES. NO ONE, I REPEAT NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD. FIRST OF ALL YOU?RE NOT ROOMMATE MATERIAL. I FEEL BAD FOR YOUR ROOMMATE MORE THAN I DO FOR YOU. SO YEAH, SNORING IS A PROBLEM AND EVERYTHING BUT DO YOU HAVE TO BE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE TO HIM ABOUT IT. THERES A PROBLEM WITH THAT. WHAT YOU DO TO THE GUY MAKES THE SNORING PROBLEM NOT BE A BIG DEAL COMPARED TO WHAT YOU DO. SECOND, STOP FUCKING BEING A DICK RIDER. WE GET THAT YOU’RE BIG AS SHIT AND WE GET THAT HE IS GETTING THERE TOO. BUT STOP BEING A FUCKING DICK RIDER AND OVER EXAGGERATING IT. IT’S GETTING FUCKING ANNOYING AND EVERYTHING. OH YEAH AND ARE YOU SO IMMATURE THAT YOU HAVE TO DIG UP THROUGH PEOPLE’S INSECURITIES TO DESTROY THEM FROM THE INSIDE OUT? IS THAT WHAT YOU DO SO WE DON’T HANG OUT WITH YOUR “BRO” ANYMORE? THAT’S PATHETIC GROW THE FUCK UP. Oh and by the way those exercise balls are great and the feelings mutual. I love you too. <3 :)
To cape girl and top hat goggle guy, I think it’s so cool that you walk around campus like that, and I feel that you guys are perfect for each other. Keep the weird alive. FOR MORDOR. You do you Boo Boo, you be awesome. (Cape Girl sat next to me on the F once...she’s fucking weird as hell, but nice. Don’t want to think about her and goggle man doing boo boo. Whatever the fuck that means anyway.)
(You call this a rant? This has to be lamest one I have ever fucking seen! This is mostly about snoring. Come on really? Snoring? What the hell is wrong with you people? The all caps thing is also stupid. Wow, You’re angry. Well guess what? Everyone else is too who sends shit in. W00 special)
To the guy on the EE this afternoon around 4; WHERE THE HELL WERE YOUR SHOES?! You must be really brave, or really fucking stupid to be walking around Rutgers barefoot. You’re going to get some STD warts or some shit, and no one, NO ONE wants to see your gross ass feet. Do us all a favor and put that shit away! To the hippies at Tent State; I seriously don’t get what the hell you are all doing, but my term bill doesn’t seem to be getting any lower :( To the dude who was dancing around the Eagleton Lawn holding a stick. What. The. Fuck? I get that you’re happy because its spring and all, but could you please take your gay happiness somewhere else? Hey guys, while you were all getting shot and drunk to bad music in Neubie, I was having the most fun and awesome time in Seattle! Everything is better in the Emerald City than in the Hub City. Even the hobos are cooler.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ “I used to be a tree.”
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Real Advertisement Cabaret Theatre, Douglass Campus Tickets will be sold at the door for $7 or Reserve tickets at Cabtheatre@gmail.com
April 22, 8 PM
April 29, 8 PM & 11:59 PM
April 23, 2 PM & 8 PM
April 30, 8 PM