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Volume XLVII Issue IX
April 23rd, 2014
STUDENTS ERECT TENTS FOR REASONS
50¢
QUICKIES
BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—“Tent State,” an event definitely organized for a really good and important cause, made its return to the campus this past Monday and will last until Friday when it closes with a giant event where the participants congratulate each other for the great work they did. “I’m so happy about how much we are changing the world,” said Cat Rogers, 20, from Bakersfield. She has been sleeping within Voorhees Mall since Monday. “It’s like about the government,” said Rogers when asked what cause she was supporting. “We definitely do things.” She then quickly ran off to recruit freshmen. Tent State has been “doing
White Kid Checks His Privilege; It's Still Awesome Now Fingerless Man Tries to Give Girl his Digits
"OUR PROTEST IS IN-TENTS" I'm gonna start my own protest! With Black Jack and Hookers!
things” since 2002 as a protest for a political/education “thingie.”
“It was harder back in the early years,” said Eli Brown, 38, Continued on Page 2
KID PRESIDENT
Chelsea Clinton’s Child to Run for President in 2052
"I like my men like I like my wine. 18 months old!" says Newark Philosophy Professor Ag Day to Feature Gross Horse Cock PIE TIME
What are you looking forward to for Rutgers Day?
BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
NEW YORK, NY—Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, announced her child’s candidacy for President of the United States soon after she revealed her pregnancy to the public. “I felt that there was no need to wait to declare my son or daughter’s candidacy for President as it is inevitable,” said Chelsea Clinton. “Some say it is a little premature—pun not intended—but with elections becoming more and more expensive these days, it makes sense to get started a few decades early.” The grandmother of the unborn child, Hillary Clinton, is seen as a clear frontrunner of the next presidential cycle in 2016.
Bring Back Rutgers Fest Scouting Potential Freshman Prey Free Food Her win in a few years could solidify a complete Clinton takeover of American politics in the future. Chelsea’s announcement
has fueled the Republican Party’s efforts to stay relevant and recruit their own candidate for 2052. The GOP believes its best Continued on Page 2
Housebreaking Pets SInce 1970
Seeing the Community Come Together and Show Off Their Rutgers Pride. Go RU Baby!! Whatever
the Medium
NEWS
themedium.news@gmail.com
"Get off of my Facebook!"
CALM DOWN, BRO
Important Student Will Help Rutgers BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A student for the School of Arts and Sciences has felt extremely important lately, as he received an email from Rutgers President Robert Barchi asking for his opinion on the state of the University. Tyler Hughes, who received the email on April 17th on his personal Yahoo account, reported feeling honored to be a vital part of the improvement of his university. “When I saw this in my mailbox, I was absolutely ecstatic,” says Hughes, who reportedly has been telling everyone of his special selection for this task. “I mean, our president wants me—ME—to make this school
a better place. I can’t wait to sit down with him and tell him everything I have in mind. This is such a big deal!” The email contains a short paragraph that explains the value of student opinion on this matter and a link to an online survey on the Rutgers Website. “See, the administrators even made a website, just for me, to fill out before they invite me to their next meeting. No doubt they are already looking over my ideas and scheduling a time for a meeting that fits into my schedule.” While the email did not mention Hughes by name, he affirms that it was not necessary to include his name because, “[he] and Barchi are 'so tight.'”
"IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL" Tyler Hughes remains completely oblivious that everyone got that email. It was about the Master Plan or the Big Ten or something. Most of us don't really give a flying fuck.
IN-TENT-CITY
...continued from front
of Plainfield, who has become a staple of the annual event. Brown was one of founding members of the gathering. “Back then it was really different,” he continued, “we smoked much more weed and we didn’t have to deal with the whole damn turf restoration.” Yearly turf restoration,
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014
started in 2005, has posed as a minor setback for the event each year. According to the Rutgers Facilities Management, the restoration was started for an “important reason,” but mentions nothing else. Tent State will doubtlessly make its 2015 return, coming back to campus to promote awareness of increasing issues and reasons.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
WHAT A TEASE
Strippers On Campus Garner More Attention
BY GUS T. T. SHOWBIZ COPY EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—The relationship between the University and the Hub City is truly special. Only in an environment of such symbiosis could students represent local businesses' customers and workforce. It is rare and special, though, when a group of students enter the market as a local employer. Richard Dingler, a recent pre-Law graduate from Newark, partnered up with his friend Hung Loh to open up a male strip club on the corner of Dix, Central just past Easton Avenue. The Firm, as the club is called, has attracted a large customer base in randy 21-yearolds coming of age and middleaged black women finished with their dining hall shifts. They are all huge fans of the tight, solid dancers and can get their drink on at the club’s bar, called The Bar, while watching “Sub-Penis” and “Affi-David”, the crowdCLINTON
...continued from front
chance lies within Margaret Laura Hager, the granddaughter of former President George W. Bush and daughter of Jenna Bush. “I think I am going to volunteer my daughter as tribute to take on Chelsea’s kid when the time is right,” stated Jenna Bush. “We all saw how great my daddy was at being President so it would make sense that my little girl would be just as good.” While political pundits have placed Chelsea’s child as News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
bringing performers. Obviously, the owners haven’t left behind law. "We're very appreciative for all our success here," said Dingler. "I think we really got lucky." When asked why he ventured into this industry, he said, "After graduating, I had a metric shitton of debt and such a low score on the LSATs that I couldn't get into law school. I had to strip my way through college just to fund my education and I got a feel for the business. Being an exotic dancer would be unbecoming on my résumé, so now, I became my own boss." "My ex-girlfriend also stripped in college to pay tuition. She would get ostracized and harangued for her employment. I couldn't handle that kind of abuse, so I opened a male club. I always got words of support and even got paid more than female strippers! I’m glad to know that exotic dancing works like any other patriarchal business." the candidate to win the Democratic nomination, the presence of President Obama’s daughters has the potential to stir things up. Malia and Natasha Obama are also seen as possible contenders for President as well. “My daughters are older and have so much more political swag than both of these Clinton and Bush progeny,” mentioned Obama. “Also, let’s be real for a second. By the time 2052 comes around, white people won’t be relevant anymore as black people will be running this joint called the government.” Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche No Food Yagnesh
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to this glorious wheelchair in our production room. I won't ever let anyone take you away again.
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Best way to break up- play them a lone trumpet solo”
FEATURED FEATURE!
TINDER GIRLS BINGO BY SANIK NOT THE FEATURES EDITOR
IMPORTANT CONTENT
Never Shave; Benefits of Being Hairy BY THE BUS KID LISTEN TO THIS MAN
Hygiene: What you fail to realize is that being hairy is actu-
ally more hygienic than not being hairy. Even when we run out of body wash, we can simply use shampoo as a substitute. Chances are, one never will run out of both shampoo and body wash.
Warmth: This is an obvious one, all this extra hair just makes
sure you never feel cold. Ever wear shorts one warm day but then it suddenly gets cold at night? Not a problem. With our hairy legs, we have constant leg warmers on-hand (or on-leg.)
Comfort: Think about it, you fools! Why are fur products
so high priced? For the luxurious comfort they provide. Now think about having a natural layer of fur covering yourself. You pretty much live in a cloud. You will always have smile on your face.
Cuddling: Trust me, hair makes this whole cuddling busi-
ness ten times better. Now, I know it might take your partner a bit to get used to it, but once they accept your hairiness they’ll never go back. Let’s be honest, you’re pretty much a blanketteddy bear combination when you’re hairy.
Intimidation: Here’s where evolution screws over most PHOTOSHOP LEGENDS
BY SANIK I LET MY PASSIVE AGRESSIVENESS OUT IN PHOTOSHOP
people—except you. You look like an animal, a savage, a beast. Only those with a death wish would even consider messing with you. Remember, never shave, being hairy is bad-ass.
CAPTION CONTEST
“And they told me I couldn’t be David Hasselhoff” The caption says it all.
WEATHER CHANNEL
BY THE HEN HEN MAN OUR WEATHERY PAL
KRUPA’S KORNER!
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? IF YOU HAVE, YOU’RE NOT LIKELY TO FORGET HIM. HE’S SIMPLY ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE TO GO TO THIS UNIVERSITY. IF FOUND, CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED. GO OUT AND BUY A LOTTERY TICKET.
the Medium
OPINIONS
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“Next week, the Squirrels get kinky.”
COP COMMENTARY
RUPD: We Fuckin’ Shit Up BY KENNETH COP ‘N’ DA KNEW
Listen up all of you motherfuckas, we up in this hood and we fuckin’ shit up. Now y’all best just drop yah pants on the ground and bend over ‘cuz y’all ‘bout to get fuuccked! I’m Kenneth the goddamn cop, that’s K-EDOUBLE N-E-T-H T-H-E MOTHAFUCKIN’ C-O-P, and I be ruling these towns yo. NB and P-Way are in our turf and if you here, you best listen to us or ya dead. See that fine ass car parked there? Homie, I ain’t likin’ it there. Fuck it. We gonna pull up in our G-ass Fords and gonna pull out our pads ‘cause fuck you in your ass. We gonna slap a ticket, ya heard, bitch? You about to give us a nice ass Benjamin. Thanks ho. We ain’t playing when we say we fuckin’ your shit up. And if you think I ain’t enough for these streets, be prepared for the massive cocks of Da Krew. My boys Mikey R, EMT, and Fister, just to name a few. They ain’t let anyone cross them and left them alive. If you at the Big R, prepare your asshole ‘cause you ain’t being a virgin for long. Now your ass is screamin’ 3 in the morning for a lift ‘cause you and you’s drunk friends think
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014
it be cool to party all night. But bitch listen, we ain’t helpin’ you out ‘cause fuck that shit, we gotta hit up some freshman dorm for that weed check. If anyone at this hood be smokin’ some dank and it ain’t comin’ through us, they better start hidin’ now ‘cause our fuckin’ K9s coming for you. All y’all gonna hear is “Woof Woof” and the door gonna come bustin’ down and next second you gotta pistol up to yo’ head as you be on the floor, mouth full of piss-stained rug. Ain’t no one comin’ here with someone else’s product unless—you guessed it— wanna get fucked up. Now y’all know about Kenneth ‘n’ Da Krew. Next time yah see us around, look da other fuckin’ way ‘cause if yah give us look, we gonna fuck you back to your shit home in South Jersey. Unless you a fine girl, then give us a little show if you want ‘cause we love all that, except Fister, ‘cause you know, he’s Fister. We are RUPD, and we are here, and we here to be fuckin’ shit up. You’ve been warned by Kenneth Cop ‘n’ Da Krew.
BUTTER, TAN, LIPOSUCTION: BTL
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
In my Day, We Stayed on our Ships
BY CAPTAIN EDWARD JOHN SMITH, CAPTAIN OF
THE TITANIC Remember the day when there was chivalry? When a man would look out for his wife and children? And the days when captains would be the last ones off their ships? You may have heard recently that there are some captains who think that it is okay to just abandon their ships once there is a little bit of trouble. Like— what the fuck? Who does that? In my day, when there was some trouble, we captains stepped up, took charge, and made the tough decisions. Remember in Titanic when I said we should turn on the pumps? Sure, it was only going to buy us a few minutes, but hey: someone had to say, “Yes. Turn on the fucking pumps!” And when someone asked how we expect to get help from other ships I stepped up and said: “Start calling people on the fucking telegraph!” They don’t just let anyone be a captain and that’s why. So when I hear about captains in South Korea and Italy who think it is okay to just leave on a lifeboat, it just blows my fucking mind. You’re taking a spot for a child! For a woman! Really, you have to wonder how these sick fucks can live with themselves after that.
Sorry, but I was Supposed to Retire Next Week BY CAPTAIN LEE JOON-SEOK, CAPTAIN OF THE SOUTH KOREAN FERRY
Stay on the boat! Stay on the boat! But it was sinking? Would you stay on the fucking boat, like honestly. I know, I know I should have stayed on and been a leader in a moment of chaos. But isn’t it also a thing where there shouldn’t be too many people making decisions, because then messages get crossed. I don’t want to be a distraction! Then there is also the thing about my family and children. They would most likely be upset if I drowned. Would these other families miss me if I died? Probably not, they would probably say I did a good thing by dying, which is pretty fucked up if I say so myself. And this was supposed to be my last week as a captain. 20 years driving a ferry and I never drowned it once. So aren’t I do one. Ya know? No way was I going to give up the last years of my life to relax. Those damn kids don’t know how great it is to relax after working for 20 years; so they won’t miss anything. I did the right thing. And you know it.
COME TO OUR MEETING WEDNESDAY AT 8 PM IN THE BCC ROOM 120B. MAYBE WE WILL HAVE FOOD! MINI UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you feel about the Bishop Quad Archways getting renovated? “IM SOO MAD. WHY DON’T THEY MAKE THEM FLYING BUTTRESSES!” James O’Smith, Engineer, Just Made a Butt Joke “Those arches wish they had curves like me.” Megan Collingsworth, SAS Cutie, She Looks Yummy
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014 themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7 “I did this...for journalism.”
THIS MEDIUM GOES TO
the Medium Driving down the Parkway when an ad comes on the radio: “You’re tossing around a ball and playing tee-ball with your son. It’s a beautiful sunny day and you can’t imagine anything better than this. At your annual check up at the doctor’s office, you suddenly discover that you’ve been diagnosed with cancer. “ Wait, what? That was sudden.
SPA We NK a l s o ING went to a seminar on spanking, presented by the Sexy Black Dominatrix, Mistress C, and her faithful servant Panther. Spanking is a respected art form and I’ll tell you why.
GU Makes you think about the fragilBELYS, WE LE K MET ity of life, doesn’t it? Makes me NOX !!!! think about butt cancers.
There are two types of spankees, hard bottoms and soft bottoms. Hard bottoms love pain. There is a certain code of honor to follow as a spanker. Knowledge of the buttock anatomy is a requirement. First, you must warm up your servant’s butt cheeks. Stroking is a good way to start, then you move on the gently and moderately hitting the bottom. It’s important to add a rosy color to one’s cheeks. Mistress C was careful to explain to the audience that “spanking is like painting a canvas. I like to see her red.” After adding color, then can you move on the harder butt slapping. Then you can add special tools like like a whip or paddle. She said, ”you should always use a nice, cool metal paddle to cool the ass cheeks.” It’s like sitting on ice cream, I bet. It was a very sensual seminar, and I’ll definitely take these tips to butt.
At Exxxotica, we had the privilege of attending a seminar called “Buttsex 101”, hosted by Joanna Angel, the most successful Rutgers alum by far. She gave the audience plenty of tips on how to have great anal sex! 1. Just relax! The nice thing about Joanna Angel is that she gives down-to-earth advice, for us common folk. She said it herself: “I wasn’t blessed by the magical butthole gods to enjoy anal sex.” When something unfamiliar enters your anus, your best bet is to take a deep breath and relax. 2. Buttplugs can help, if you want them to. Steel buttplugs are best, because they lower the temperature of your anus, for a nice minty effect. One woman asked her how to prevent a buttplug from falling out. Joanna responded saying, “if your buttplug keeps falling out, it kind of sounds like you just need a bigger buttplug.” Great advice, Joanna! 3. Spit is the best lube. Spit is literally the the best. Joanna told the audience she has all her actors spit on each other before doing scenes, and I couldn’t agree with her more. After the convention, I went back home and watched “Hot Lesbian Strippers Fuck Each Other” and saw the actors spitting on each other. Joanna Angel doesn’t just pull words out of her ass, she really means what she says! CANADA
...continued from Sports
Kevin Garnett, (or perhaps his reanimated corpse,) let reporters know that a lack of a shot clock meant that he “could hold the ball and take a breather for 15 straight seconds with the excuse that [he] had no idea how much time was left on the clock.” Jay-Z and Drake could not be reached for comment because fuck them.
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Why are seven year olds drawing porn?!”
BUSSIN
AIR BUD
DIVISION
To the assholes who drenched the seats on the H and EE, fuck you. One seat left on the bus, I press my ass firmly into it and get up with swamp ass with a stain the size of a watermelon covering my asshole. Didn't even rain bro; stop pissing yourselves. I think I just saw the white male version of myself on the bus today. He wasn't hot, but not ugly either, had a cool graphic tee and was making weird Jenna Marble like faces to himself. Not my soulmate, but definitely my soul counterpart!
I friggin hate my neighbor's constant coughing. Every time she coughs, it sounds like the air is raping her. Drink some water bitch.
To the math 112 department, thank you for taking off points on the exam for bullshit we never talked about in class, nor was in the book. How the hell am I supposed to know what to do if you never mention it? Please do all of Rutgers a favor and kill yourselves so they can hire better professors.
(All he needs now is some cerebral palsy and he’ll be your dream guy.) ACHIEVEMENT I might bathe this week. I brushed my teeth last night. Swallowed the toothpaste. Went I went to take a shit there was actually toilet paper!
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014 themedium.personals@gmail.com
(It’s not rape if she enjoys it!) 4/20 Bet those stores thought they were being real clever offering food sales for $4.20. Real original, guys. According to her status my mom celebrated 420 while I stayed home watching the Fairly Odd Parents. I bet if Hitler smoked the shit I’m smoking none of WWII would have happened. Happy birthday, Big-H! I like big buds and I cannot lie, what other brothas can’t deny, Mary Jane walks in with a itty bitty skunk and a dry bowl in your pot you get high!
My fucking roomBilly Eichner is my mate broke my bong new favorite person and thinks I don’t know. He’s certain to ever. pay for his crimes toHello, my name is night, hahaha. third wheel. YURI OF THE WEEK: HARPYLADY/ DARK MAGICIAN GIRL
EASTER I was totally uncomfortable with how many times the second reader said the word Holocaust during the Easter Vigil mass on Saturday
WEEKLY REPORT Hello my lovelies! Thanks for all the submissions I got this week- if I knew being passive aggressive would have worked this well, I would have done it sooner! Your beautiful works of bitching has left my heart a-glowing. Hope everyone’s Easter was well. My family celebrates it a little differently; instead of going to mass we kill a small Christian child and use it’s blood in our matzah. We also eat chocolate! Just kidding. There’s no chocolate.
Send your personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com tweet us @mediumpersonals ADVICE
Dear Personals Editor I really like this guy but he has cerebral palsy and the mental (Yeah! The Jews have capacity of an infant. Should I go for it anytheir own day for celebrating the Holo- way? caust.) I wish I was still a (Why not!? What’s the child so that I could worst that could hunt to eggs instead happen?) of being stuck in Dear Personals Editor church. I want to try anal sex
BUTTHURTIN If you don’t want to be asked where something is, DON’T FUCKING WEAR RED AT TARGET!
(Fuck you. This is America!) I really can't stand when people sign their emails with their initials. Are you in such a rush that you can't spell out your but don’t think my name? butthole is adquate. The light fixtures in Any tips? Henry's Diner look (Level up your ass with like mini-white Mike holehol vegetables. Wazowski's. I think Start with a carrot and I'm going to poop my work your way up to a pants over this one.
(Just steal them from the kids afterward. It’s not like they can do anything.) My favorite peeps in the world are witty peeps, sarcastic peeps, and marsh- cucumber. Make a mallow peeps. salad in your colon.) (Are sarcastic peeps the Dear Personals Ediones that you put into tor, the microwave until My friends hacked they explode? That’ll my facebook and teach ‘em.) made me say I was Just because I’m no longer an adolescent doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get some candy on Easter. You're going to regret this mom and dad. I might as well just move out or something.
I saw a groundhog today but when I tried to pet it it ran away from me. What the fuck man why arn’t you chill?
Today I saw a squirattracted to men. My rel trying to eat a parents then liked it. lighter. I’m surprised these dumb shits What should I do? (Yeah sorry you have to survived evolution be gay now. Once your I’m going to break parents approve it’s my psych professor’s sent to the government. neck I have never Hope you like dick and met a more concieted if not, get used to it human being in my real quick!) entire life.
Super Smashed Ostriches, ARTS “It wasn’t quiteMalay crispy... a littleby limp.”Peter Panic
Wednesday, April 23 , 2014 rd
themedium.arts@gmail.com
LAMAR & CHENG - THE HEN HEN MAN
the Medium
Saturday, April 12, 2014 OSTRICHES, 15:33 SUPER SMASHED MALAY - PETER PANIC
In a poll that asked New Brunswick males aged 1825 whether they would choose to have a microdick or AIDS, 99% chose AIDS. Several Asians abstained.
POT OF GREED VICTOR WONG
Submit your absentee vote and an ID photo to themedium.arts@ gmail.com. Don’t find CHEWABECKA - ERNESTO AGAPITO CARCES CON YA DE ABELAR
Chewbecka by Ernesto Agapito ya de Abelar Chewbecka by Ernesto Agapito GarcesGarces con yacon de Abelar 2014 Wednesday,Wednesday, February 26,February 2014 26, 19:41
19:41
don't abandon your don't abandon your Let me take a RRGdaughter fight daughter to to gogo fight GRRRRAAAAAHHempire with your thethe empire with your HHHHelfie friends. friends. needs you. sheshe needs you.
this amusing? Come tonight at 8pm in the BCC 120B and vote me out of office. I dare you motherfucker.
~XXX OVERHEARD AT RUTGERS - BY AMERICA’S ALLY April Page 1
produced produced by by Senators United Senators United
APRIL 23rd, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com LA LECHE ES MAL
METS PLAN FUTURE AROUND ABREU BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
QUEENS, NY-- Hoping to make the playoffs for the first time since 2008, Mets GM Sandy Alderson announced that the team is currently basing their personnel decisions around veteran outfielder Bobby Abreu. The Mets were expected to build their team around young catcher Travis d'Arnaud and all-star David Wright but decided they have a better chance of winning with the man nicknamed El Comedulche (The Candy Eater) and La Leche (The Milk). "Bobby is a two time AllStar," explained Alderson. "Sure each of those came ten years ago but when you have a chance to build a franchise around the 1999 Venezuelan Winter League Player of the Year, you take it." This follows the team's surprising decision to build the team's bullpen around Bartolo Colón. They were expected to go with young pitchers like Matt Harvey and Zach Wheeler but chose Colón instead, who is also 40 and obese, like Abreu. The outfielder and pitcher
are expected to be staples at Citi Field for the next ten years as the franchise attempts to win their first championship since 1986.
"I knew what I was getting into when I was drafted by them," said Wright. "They're the fucking Mets, what do you expect?" Superfan Ray Ibanez, also known as Cow Bell Man, had a similarly bleak outlook for the team. "Those '69 and '86 teams were magical," he said, "but what do you expect? They're the fucking Mets."
Shot clock fiasco: "This is why Canada can't have nice things" BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON STAFF WRITER
TORONTO, ON-- Commissioner Adam Silver was among the many people upset on Saturday following the electricity debacle during Game 1 of the Raptors and Nets first round playoff series. An unprecedented technological failure caused the shot clock in the Air Canada Centre to shut off completely. This prevented players from looking up and seeing how much time was left on the clock during the course of play, creating an additional obstacle for both teams. “To be very blunt, this kind of bullshit does not happen on American soil,” Silver adamantly preached. “I mean, for
fuck’s sake, it’s the NATIONAL Basketball Association. Why is there a Canadian team in our league anyway? We already got rid of that bullshit team from Vancouver.” Investigators have speculated that the shot clock outages could have been caused in part by the huge amounts of power Nets head coach Jason Kidd used to shave and buff his bald head. Kidd admitted after the game that he spent hours preparing himself, claiming the playoffs demanded “a championship-caliber shine” from his head. Not everyone was upset about the lack of a shot clock. Continued on Page A7
Rutgers softballs team win? BY FOUR LOKI A7 EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- I can only assume that what I’m watching on TV is a softball game between two college teams. The thing on the TV screen says Fighting Irish and Scarlet Knights. Really, fighting Irish? That’s a good joke. Obviously, Scarlet Knights is Rutgers, but they’re not doing any close-ups of the players, so I can’t tell what the other school is. No really, I have no idea. Someone tell me. Oh wait a second, I heard one of the commentators say Norte Dame Fighting Irish. That must be that school! But why is Norte Dame Irish? I thought Norte Dame was French, you know, like from the Hunchback of Norte Dame? Quasimodo? Anyway, I’m watching the game now. It’s the first inning,and Norte Dame is pitching. I’m surprisingly grossed out. Why is that girl’s arm convulsing so much when she pitches the ball to the batter? Holy fuck. It’s like an exorcism or something. Also, the pitcher is really bad at pitching. She keeps throwing the ball at the empire
instead of the batter. I don’t think I saw the first batter actually hit a ball the entire time she was up at the home base. The coach should consider switching this pitcher out with another one. It’s after the second inning now and Rutgers is pitching and Norte Dame is batting. And, I’m really confused. The Rutgers pitcher is better than the Norte Dame pitcher. I mean, she at least is throwing the ball to the BATTER this time and the batter keeps hitting it but she’s not running to first base. The commentators keep throwing around the word foul; someone must’ve farted in the commentator’s box or something. Anyway, Norte Dame really sucks! At softball. But I’m sure they’re an honorable institution of higher learning. But yeah, softball isn’t for them. How much longer is this game going on for? It’s the third inning now and still no one has scored anything. No home runs. No nothing. Wait huh? My friend just told me there are 9 innings. Well, screw this, I’m going back to sleep.
KEYS TO THE MATCHUP: BOOKLYN vs. TORONTO BY THE HEN HEN MAN COPY EDITOR
-Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Deron Williams and Joe Johnson: these are just some the names Coach Jason Kidd should learn before the game. -Basketball is like beer pong: the drunker you are the more accurate you get! Coach Jason Kidd will be responsible for not getting his boys drunk enough during the pregame if the team shoots below 50% from the field. -Hopefully, for Jason Collins, this game doesn’t come down to just marketability.
HAPPY HOT DOG DAY TO ALL!
-Pretend like if they don’t win the game all their families and friends will be shipped to a North Korea labor camp. -The Raptors must play with the same type of intensity and determination that has failed them to win a champion since forever. -Not that big of deal, but it wouldn’t hurt to win tip-offs. -Do not televise the part when the players are watching live hockey games on their iPads in the locker room.