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Volume XLVIII Issue II
September 24th, 2014 50¢
CLIMATE MARCH HOTBED OF USELESS ACTIVISM
QUICKIES
BY MCLIMATE ZLOCA STAFF WRITER
NEW YORK CITY—Over 310,000 people gathered last Sunday in New York City for the Climate Summit at the United Nations. Correspondent Dick Greenest echoed the overall sentiment of the protest: “The consciousness is finally changing. More and more people realize that corporations are guilty for everything ranging from climate change, economic crisis, world inequality, bad weather, girls who turn you down, shitty grades, watered-down beer, hurricanes, and STDs… man, fuck corporations!” "GIVING A LOVING CARESS TO MOTHER NATURE'S O-ZONE" Not everyone agrees. New The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once. York resident Rick Hurst argued that the ever-increasing temperature seems to have had clothing due to the heat. “In shaved armpits and don’t smell even some positive impacts. comparison to the activists back and look like truck drivers.” Most protesters, for example, in the 1970s,” noted Hurst, “the Continued on Page 2 were forced to wear skimpier majority of the girls here have
GETTING BRAIN
Zombie Combat Prepares Nation for ISIS BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
US SOUTH BORDER—Men aged 15-35 in the Southwest border states have volunteered to fend a potential attack from ISIS. The group, ODIN, already feels prepared. “Well, me and some buddies were discussing it when playing Left 4 Dead,” says Sidney Jones, 16, of Houston TX, a member of this new militia. “What we realized was, we’re already wellversed in combat. We, like, kill zombies all time. So we know "NOT GETTING MORE BULLETS UNTIL I RESPAWN" what do.” Video games are effectively training simulations for tomorrow's solAnother member of ODIN, diers against the encroaching mindless hoardes after American brains. James White, 21, shared the sentiment, saying that there is not Gary McCoy, 19, “I even know border. much of a difference between a which melee weapon to use: “Essentially,” Strider mindless, flesh-eating shell of crowbar.” claims, “they’d act just like a human being and a mindless, ODIN volunteer David zombies would. I would just extremist shell of a human be- Strider, 15, shared his plan on block the doors and windows, ing. what to do should the terrorist so they wouldn’t know what to “I can handle any situation organization bent on destroying Continued on Page 2 that ISIS throws at us,” brags the US somehow penetrate the
Drinking from Toilets SInce 1970
Sailor went to CCC Sarah Jessica Parker Joins Equine Club Center for Alcohol Studies Relocated to Easton Ave Tulane Fans given Temporary Shelter in HPS Stadium Homosexual Business Major has Visual AIDS Sigma Tau (στ) is Most Stressed Engineering Fraternity Blind Lesbian Excited by the Smells of Neptune Night Pubic Speaking renamed Genital Puppetry to Avoid Confusion How to get High on Acid: Stop, Drop, and Roll. Florist Paid and Deflowed, Arrested for Prostitution
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NEWS
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"Pick a dildo...any dildo!"
INTERGALACTIC BATTLE SHITS
TRAISING HELL
Brower Food Hosts Alien Pathogens
Broken Dishes and Broken Dreams BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
LIVINGSTON CAMPUS—To accommodate the increasing numbers of enrolled students, Housing and Residence Life had built bivouacs to supplement the shortage of dormitories. The shanty camp established in the fields between Livingston Plaza and Livingston Dining Commons has served as a tolerable solution to a terrible situation. Due to recent rains, however, and the mud that ensued, the displaced populace demanded better conditions. "I had only one outlet and no actual floor or roof. Geese ate my carpet and left their shit on my sleeping bag," claims Ted Reap, a Supply Chain major. "I'm glad that the good people at Housing have worked with Dining Services to ameliorate our situation." HIPPIES ARE USELESS ...continued from front
“We came to march for climate and take a lot of pictures to justify why we’re better than everyone else," stated Tori Novielli, a sophomore in the business school. Another Rutgers student sporting too many dreadlocks for a white person added, “I believe it is a perfect opportunity to spruce up my Tumblr page and I support all efforts of the organizers to make this possible. The power is back with the people.” ISIS ZOMBIES
...continued from front
do.” He noted that destroying the front stairs so that confused ISIS agents couldn’t reach the door would be the hardest part. “Personally,” said Judy Miller, a 61-year-old Arizona resident, “I would use molotov cocktails. Pick off the outlier, so when he wanders back to
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
Wednesday, September 24th, 2014
Reap spoke in reference, of course, to the newly erected Trays Hall: a gleaming goldenbrown structure that took shape last weekend to replace the above-described shithole. "In the spirit of cooperation and charity for those less fortunate," started President Barchi at the ribbon cutting ceremony, "I would like to thank my colleagues in Dining and Housing, as well as the Department of Landscape Architecture and DEVCO. The students needed overflow housing and we showed that our University takes care of its students!" Upon cutting the ribbon, though, the entire structure collapsed like a house of trays. At that moment, all cheering subsided and a tense quiet overtook the attending crowd of students and administrators. Barchi then took his smartphone from his pocket, immediately submitted a maintenance request, and walked away. Sadly, not everyone was happy with the outcome of the March. Namely, activists of the Elderly Jewish Lesbians for Climate Action and Latin American Forest Rights group mournfully expressed that they felt underrepresented. As member Phillis Jane lamented, “It’s like no one even knows we exist.” As the day and march drew to a close, many members dispersed toward nearby McDonalds and Starbucks to congratulate each other on a job well done. the rest of the group they’ll all catch on fire.” Texas resident John Brody, 25, felt that if all else failed, a clean shot to the head will kill any and all insurgents. “Just pick up a shotgun from any Rite Aid around here, you’re good to go.” The group, stated that they already felt more than ready to face their new, exciting foe.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
BY THAT GUY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
NEW BRUNSWICK— A recent report released by the NJ Department of Health has shown that the food in the Rutgers Brower Commons Dining Hall is infested with extraterrestrial pathogens. The microorganisms are suspected to have traveled to Earth millions of years ago via asteroid. Upon impacting onto the planet recently, they dispersed to various suitable conditions, such as nuclear waste facilities. The food at Brower, too, has been found toxic enough to be host to a diverse array of extraterrestrial pathogens. Cryptozoology experts weighed in. “Generally, we’d expect these sorts of beings to survive in areas with low-level life forms”, a professor from SEBS told The Medium. “Maybe we’d see them in West Virginia, but never here”. Despite the initial shock reaction by members of the general public, few members of Rutgers Dining Services found this information as a surprise. Bubba Smith, a worker at Brower, told The Medium that he recalls numerous instances of troubles that the workers had with the food. He refused further questioning, and instead elected to teleport through the wall and back to his work post. Concerns had been raised over the working conditions
News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Joe Ebbinger Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
and safety for the employees at Brower Commons. But upon having the workers go government testing, it was found that the Brower employees could no longer be classified as homo sapiens. Having mutated to the next stage in evolution, the workers had developed an array of exotic superpowers. Higher-level dining employees are already reaping the benefits. To save money on the electrical bill, for example, some of the Brower employees had elected to cook the food via telepathic mind-powers. Some changes benefit the employees as well. In the past several months, Brower employees had reported being able to reproduce via spore transfer, thereby “Finally able to get ratio at a frat party”. At times, the pathogens, already infused within the food would join together and form a colossal Brower-Food Monster. Many described the monster as a humanoid silhouette, roughly the same height as the College Avenue Gym and the girth of an Anime Club member. The monster has often wreaked havoc and destruction through College Ave Campus and parts of New Brunswick. Then the monster traveled down Hamilton Street, though given the poor quality of the road beforehand, residents did not notice anything different. Thanks to the superpowers of the Brower employees, the monster is usually subdued. Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Kaitlin Rogers Chika Kim Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche RSC Jesus Guy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Targum's "Letter to the Editor" from Monday. It was more risible than anything we could ever write. We also invite comical submissions!
Wednesday, September 24th, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
“Nobody ever accomplished anything great without being a little fucked up in the head. :) ”
RUTGERS SPOTLIGHT
MASTURBATION LOCKERS INSTALLED ON LIVINGSTON/COOK
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CAPTION CONTEST
BY: BIANCA JO THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS
The greatest obstacle facing the homeless population (besides the whole not having houses thing) has always been finding a discrete place to masturbate. That will no longer be a problem thanks to the newly-installed masturbation lockers found on both Cook campus and Livingston campus. For a mere $25 a semester, homeless men and women can secure their own 5-by-6 foot, stainless steel hand job hut. Dirty Rick, a New Brunswick based homeless man for nearly three years, was one of the first to sign up for his own beat-off box. “I may be covered in my own piss and begging for money, but at least now I can jerk it with my dignity intact.” Although, technically, the lockers were built for Rutgers students for the purpose of storing their bicycles... These crank-yanking containers are by no means the ideal location for an intimate evening alone. Each locker is cold, confined, and pitch black, but none of that seems to be an issue for the homeless community, who use them for strict, no-nonsense bare-bones boner bearing. “Sure, it’s dark in there,” Dirty Rick said. “But d’ya know what else is dark? Jerkin’ it on the streets.” Some of the Rutgers students using the bike lockers to actually lock up their bikes have voiced their concerns over what they consider to be an infestation of homeless hob-knockers. Many have reported hearing moans as they retrieve their bikes. This, coupled with the violent sobbing that comes after, has left bike riders feeling “unsettled.” “Unsettled? Sure, it may be unsettling, but d’ya know what else is unsettling? Jerkin’ it on the fuckin’ streets,” Dirty Rick chimed in.
“MASTURBATION LOCKERS ON LIVINGSTON CAMPUS” Maybe they masturbate on bicycles?
PHILOSOPHIZE ME
A WALK TO FORGET BY: FOUR LOKI FEATURES EDITOR
Where did I put my phone? Did I forget to lock the door? Honey, when was the last time I fed the kid? What is Mandy Moore’s last name again? I forgot. Sometimes, the movie “A Walk to Remember” can remind you of how forgetful you are. You’ll be walking to the bus stop from your dorm and halfway there you’ll remember that you have an exam in your Spanish class that you totally forgot to study for. I get it, shit happens. There are many simple ways to not be forgetful! I just can’t remember what any of them are. Other times, walking can be a great way to conveniently forget things you want to forget. Let’s take for example that time when I walked past Truly Yogurt on Easton Ave and saw a guy wearing JUST a t-shirt and briefs through the window as he made direct eye contact with me. I definitely wanted to forget that. So I naturally didn’t. “A Walk to Remember” is one of the most romantic movies of all time. Spoiler alert: She has leukemia and dies. Now, I just need you to walk away and forget what I just said, mmkay?
It’s the very first caption contest of the semester! Send in your caption for this picture to: themedium.features@gmail.com. The winning caption will be published in next week’s issue! Now GO!
LITERARY CORNER
I AM CUCUMBER- PART 1 BY: HIPSTER J A VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
I was a humble little cucumber from a little farm owned by Fat O’ Uncle Carl Johnson, literally. My daddy’s seed was planted in the dirt to sprout and grow as he pleased. I was one of the many fruits that my daddy gave birth to. My brothers, sisters, and I didn’t do much. We just spent our time talking about the queer looking birthmarks on our bodies and seducing each other by describing the hot and sexy pollination process that made all the juices flow through our bodies. But more than that, we loved to talk about what it was going to be like outside of our little cucumber patch. We imagined the world as a beautiful, fun, and mysterious place. Eventually, we were going to get harvested by Fat O’ Uncle Carl Johnson, just like the rest of our neighbors. I was so looking forward to the day I was harvested because I wanted to travel the world and see all the things! And so the day came that me and my siblings were to be harvested! We were brought into the farmhouse for washing and rinsing. I cringed when I heard the cries of discomfort as my uglier siblings with brown spots and insect wounds were disposed into the grinder. Their limp corpses were crushed down to make fertilizer for cannibalistic acts of nurturing the growth of future cucumbers like me. Sad. We were then transferred onto a huge and noisy moving object, and then we ended up in a place called Bravo Supermarket. My siblings and I were placed in a cold area towards the back of Bravo. Hours passed and many humans passed by me and my siblings as we talked about our new experience outside our little patch. It was everything we had hoped for. The floor was beautiful, the music fun, and meat in the aisle across from us? Mysterious! Suddenly a young looking human — chubby, blacked hair, face so disgusting beyond all reason, chinked eyed, gigantic cheeks, tiny lips, wearing colorful and baggy clothes — came to pick me up, put me in a plastic bag and brought me back to her home. It happened so quickly I didn’t even manage to say goodbye to my brothers and sisters. Welp! TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK
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OPINIONS
“I’ll put the meat in your college burrito.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Love It Here
She has Legs for Days BY JASON HOCKINGTON
Let me take a minute to stop scrolling through my Instagram feed #rutgers18, to talk about my amazing experience at my new home at Rutgers. My dorm room in New Gibbons is the shit and me and my roomie are BFFLs!!!!! This campus is so safe and everything is super close. Btws, it only takes me 3 short bus rides to get from my dorm to my 9am class. Let me take a minute to talk about the dining halls here. You can eat ALL you want and eat as much ice cream as you can during every meal. I could eat there every day of my life and never get bored of the food. The best part of this school is all the super sweet guys. So many upperclassmen talk so me and are so cool. Every guy I talk to invites me to parties. Even though there are four other girls when we meet up, he’s always counting us, and we all walk into the party together I know he really likes me. Rutgers is the best school.
Get Me the Fuck Outta Here BY THAT DOUCHEBAG SENIOR
Fuck Rutgers. Living on campus is such bullshit but living off campus is just as miserable. Yeah, I can toke with my bros but can’t find a room in New Brunswick that doesn’t look like it’s a fucking needle exchange. And why am I 21 and still living with a roommate? How horrible is it that I can’t even bring some rando slore back to my house without my roommate watching me get laid all night. Every bar off campus is so sketchy. For every two college kids, there’s one toothless pervert. The dining halls suck, the food doubles as a laxative. And I spent too much time fucking around that the past four years have been a educational non-starter. Fuck Rutgers.
It’s important to work out daily. I go to Werblin almost every morning and no matter what, I don’t miss a day. Start and finish with a half hour of cardio and throw an anaerobic routine in the middle. Yesterday was back and biceps, so today is legs. That’s how you know I’m serious about my physique: I work on the tone of my legs. Calves mostly since they get the most exposure, but also quads and inner/outer thighs. You can’t neglect those because when guys see your hip muscles in the locker room, they’ll
notice! Gymming is not just about self-improvement--look at me, I’m fuckin’ perfect, so hot--it’s about asserting yourself as alpha. My screaming isn’t me being an inconsiderate, show-off of an asshole. My screaming is me communicating that this is MY GYM, MY SCREAMING SPACE, and MY WORLD. You’re just living in it. Oh yeah, I want to impress the babes, too. Check out that bitch in neon yellow on the Stair Master with the tight ass, slender legs, and perky tits. There’s no way she can build that booty any further. I’m gonna go tell her she’s working out wrong.
He has Days for Legs BY JESSIE MILLER
Wednesday is gym day. I know that because my iPhone says so and I’ve been holding it in front of me for the past thirty minutes, raising the volume to drown out all this Linkin Park and electro-dance-house bass dropping. Untz untz untz. I get it! All this climbing is making me tired. Am I sweating?! Let me use my phone’s camera to check. No visible sweat. My makeup is still fresh, too. It should be, I applied it right before walking into the room. It looks so good, I should Snapchat a selfie to my girls. #Pain&Gain! #SportsBraChafing! #BigCeilingFans! What the hell am I doing? I didn’t come here to take pictures of myself. I came here to find a meathead for me to ride this weekend. Gonna get some head! Who’s looking my way? It sucks so much to be in the back of the room. Oh! I caught a glance in the mirror. That guy doing deadlifts is smiling at me. Maybe he’s just straining? His face is red; definitely straining. Hmmm...there’s a macho man with bright orange kicks getting off the leg press. He’s looking at me. This could be the one. He looks like he uses steroids, I bet his dick is small. Ha, he’s dropping the weights; of course his dick is small! Teenie Weenie is coming over now. I bet he’s dumb and desperate enough to eat me out.
Why are we not nicer to snakes?
“Yeah, why aren’t we? They’re so cute.”
“We should be nicer to snakes. Have you ever seen a little garter snakes? They are so little and cute. They just slither along the ground and don’t bother anyone. We play with other little animals, why don’t we give snakes the same chance?” Lisa Connors SEBS Freshman Likes Cute Animals
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POINT/COUNTERPOINT
BY THAT FRESHMAN GIRL
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Wednesday, September 24th, 2014
A MALAYSIAN AMERICAN EXPERIENCE
GYM DAY!
BY HIPSTER J (YES, THE HIPSTER J)
American Gym showers are interesting. So I was at Werblin Gym, taking a shower after a swim. Americans are weird as shit. The curtains are hanging right beside the showers, they still prefer not to close it. So once in a while I get a lot of accidental peeks. I saw this buff white guy taking a shower, and I noticed something has “Have you seen an anaconda? gone missing... below... A cobra? Those things are fucking It’s... so small... I can only ruthless and will kill you in a see a large sack of nuts... Then I looked at second. I say fuck snakes and fuck my own, and smiled. I you for asking that question.” felt better about myself.
“Um, maybe because they can fucking kill you.”
Edward Youngly SAS Senior Hates Snakes
What’s with the big fuss of white guys being giant hot dogs. Then, I saw a brown middle eastern guy. I can’t see it either, it’s all blocked off by forests and forests of “fur”. I bet I can throw a 5-year-old in there and that little shit can’t find its way out of there for weeks. SO MANY tangles to go through. I mean literally, so hairy from beard to toe. Oh!! What a great day. I feel big already. After my shower, I saw a naked black guy.... I took back everything i said.
COME TO OUR MEETING IN 116A IN THE BSC AT 8PM TODAY! LICK MY ASSHOLE.
ARTS
Wednesday, September 24th, 2014
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the Medium
“Weiss, you useless lesbian!”
BUTT HURT
LAMAR & CHANG II - BY THE HEN HEN MAN
MOVIE REVIEW WITH THE MEDIUM
TELE-INTERVIEW
FEATURING: THE HUMAN CENTPEDE BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS ARTS EDITOR
You people really wanted me to do this one, huh? Why? This is a legitimate question, why? Here’s a legitimate answer, FUCK YOU! So, it’s not like every other asshole on Reddit hasn’t shat out their own mouth talking about this movie, but I guess it’s my turn to add to the indegstion. The Human Centipede is the favorite torture porn movie of really sick fucks. I’m sure people who cuddle up with this movie tearfully jerk themselves off to pictures in their high school year book thinking about all the people they never got to fuck. People who like
FROM THE PANTY THEIF, DJONGO UNCHAINED
this movie probably breathe heavily down your neck on a crowed H bus. People who like this movie probably like Andy Dick. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have a high opinion of the people who like this movie. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pissed at the people who made me watch this movie. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really wish I didn’t watch this movie. You know what, you lost your privileges! I’m doing video games next week.
My penis is reattaching nicely, thank you for asking. Credit goes to Dimitri Martin for this glorious image.
WHICH GAME SHOULD I REVIEW? Email me your vote at themedium. arts@gmail.com
In addition to a new glans, I need art from you guys. Submit anything, literally anything, to the Arts page by emailing it to themedium. arts@gmail.com. Also come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BCC Room 116C.
PERSONALS
the Medium
themedium.personals@gmail.com Wednesday, September 24th 2014
“So Shannon called for her sweater, and I was like fuck!”
LIBRARIES
HIGH TIMES
To the man watching hardcore gay porn in the Chang library wednesday afternoon, there is a time and place for that kind of thing. This is not one of them.
Whenever I feel listless and unable to concentrate on homework, I always go over to my roommate’s side of the room and stare at her owl posters for comfort whenever she’s out.
HIGH TIMES PT 2
Bluntly, Mary Jane needs to go to Mr. Ganja’s dope joint at 420 Doobie Road to try his delicious pot of herbs while laying in his backyard with green grass, trees, and weeds.
COPS ‘N’ ROBBERS So there’s been a computer theft in The Medium offices, leaving us with insufficient means to type up the paper. Furthermore, the keyboard I’m typing on is itself a piece of shit. Therefore, y’all should my job a helluva lot easier by sending in your rants, ravings, and longings: it’ll make my job easier and you’ll be forever loved in my eyes.
(You got that right! Guy shoulda been in Kilmer! (Only fair. I’m sure she He’d have had total priva- stares at your Janis Ian and Donnie Osmond posters. So I just found out that BECAUSE ITS THE 70S, the stacks in Alexander Library closes around 6 BABY!) PM on Saturday night. This is clearly a case I like the fact that somewhere Rutgers prioritizes times, you can taste a tiny its the socially excellent little hint of cocaine in the over the socially handi- dining hall muffins! capped. They get to have a good night, but I cant (Didnt know that. Blow has hang out in the fucking disrupted my tastevuds and destroyed my sense of snell.) library! Gosh! (Like your parents always say to you: you gotta get out Dear Medium, I think my there! Learn to have some freshman son is smokfun! Life’s not all about ing reefer. Ever since he hard work! Things like that; left for Rutgers, he has you gotta minimize who been forgetting to call me thrice weekly, and I am you are.) worried he is using dope I wanna jump the bones of at college. How can I be the guy at the Library of sure my son is not doing Science. Love his stubble. the pot?
What marijuana is a narcotic? I thought it was a Mexican city, like Tijuana. Wait, marijuana, pot, and weed are all the same thing? Ugh, why can’t people just come up with one word for one thing! Follow the KISS rule — Keep It Simple, Stupid!
(Hmmm, ma’am, what was his adolescence like? Did he ever come home boiled as an owl? Were there other signs of deliquency? Did his lady-friends where skirts that were cut-off above the I love how rutgers like knees? Does he call his old to make tuition low, but man Dad and not Father then make the only tol- as you should expect of a erable housing options well-behaved young man? bloody ass expensive. My lottery is worthless now. You see, ma’am, these problems seldom fall out of the The library needs to have sky. I blame the new-fangled a wider selection of comic television kids are watchbooks for my collection, i ing these days; I blame that mean, for the research in- Rock ‘n’ Roll music.) terests of the University.
To the girl who wears a silver cross that grace- (Thanks, Mom.) fully rests in the middle (Was he George Clooney?) PANTS of her big tits, and comes out of the theology school Do guys really where the every Monday at 4:10: same jeans for more than a James Spader is the oddest looking guy around. Can you say 50 shades of day? Isn’t that, like, unhypray? gienic? My dear Kari, I have loved you for so I saw some girls pulling up IRKED long. I remember when their pants for a minute or you first caught my eye To the guy who always so after they were already in Tillett during NSO orientation. We soon begrunts as he lifts weights came inseparable and by at the gym: you sound So a lot of girls don’t have Spring 2012 we adored like a dying walrus. pockets or pants, so they each other. Which is why (But at least he doesn’t look stick their phones in their the following is so hard like a beached whale or a waistbands and wonder for me to tell you: I’m not who you think I am. shriveled tree.) why they smell like sweat. I’m not. I have a prosthetic leg. I told you I Men who flex on the LX: You know who I’d like to walk with a limp because this is not a bodybuilding meet? The person who in- I have cerebral palsy, but in fact my leg isn’t real. I expo. You are not impress- vented pockets. hope you can accept me ing anyone and please don’t Fall! That time of year knowing that I’m only do it in front of an open seat. where chadbros feel the five-sixths of the man (I find people stand in front need to prove their mascu- you thought I was. of open seats more frequent- linity by wearing short in (Welp, at least we know you ly on B busses. Maybe be- the cold. never fucked, right?) cause they have expensive calculators in their back You ever notice how it’s Muggers of New Brunspockets.) easier to fart when you’re wick: got to Metuchen--it’s I hate my fucking job and using the electric hand-dry- ritzier and the wallets are I hate my fucking boss and er? Like, something about probably fatter. I hate my fucking wife and your hands getting warm Some millionaire publishes I hate my fucking cat and I makes your ass-cheeks want his own drivel and hands it hate my fucking neighbors to get cozy too. out for free on College Ave? and I hate my fucking life Can you imagine being that and I hate my fucking lawn Who needs ‘em? fucking rich?!
(Memorize the Dewey Decimal System. Hell love that: maybe if you play your cards right he’ll take you to 613.96. That’s the catalogue number for sexual techniques for you unenlight-
(I feel ya. I want the univserity to invest in copies of BIG BLACK ASS for research interests.)
BELLICOSE BUSSES Taking a class that is a huge waste of my time, so now I have to run to buses to catch a REXL to Douglass during fucking rush hour and I’m still late for class and my professor hates me now. I’ve had to deal with 4 years of having the systems that are supposed to help me with my education work against me. 4 years of this shit and I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here.
To those who like to wear D.A.R.E shirts: You’re not doing anything for anyone. I’m not gonna stop smoking just because your shirt dares me to resist drugs and violence. That’s like daring black guys to stop watching black girls shake their asses on their ipad during class. Not gonna happen. Pugs not Drugs! (I wish my ex-girlfriend were aware of the slogan “Labs not Crabs.”) Man, I’m so fucking high right now.
(Who you callin’ stupid?)
LUST Thank you to the amazing man sitting across from me in the train with the enormous bulge. I could see your entire cock through the outline of your blue nike shorts. Ill be fapping for dayzzzz. (Dirk Diggler, baby!)
SHOULD BE TEXTS
MISC
OMG jim that’s great im I wonder the first people to so happy for u. i know milk cows discovered how you’ll do great at your in- to milk cows. ternship, It is so beautiful out tonight. yea, i heard that too. did I am so happy to be able to you catch that on bryant look at this sky. gumbel (nah it was that droopy-eyed motherfucker stuart scott) Thinkin of u babe, lov u xoxoxox have a GOOD day!
(You pansy. This page is for grumps, bastards and misanthropes.) Saw a 52-year-old man hang out with a group of 23-year-old girls and the weird thing is they were oddly impressed and inter-
PAGE A7
Wednesday, September 24th, 2014
the Medium
“So, have either of you ladies ever seen a black dick before?”
TULANE, ONE KIDNEY KIDNEY...
...continued from Sports
FOR THOSE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO The Medium Presents A
less,” Towson said. Randall then went onto several Facebook groups and did some proactive hard bargaining; he pleaded for someone to sell him one of their season tickets by offering up his “200 smackeroos.” Surprisingly, quite a bit of people responded to his request. “I got myself a ticket!!!!!,” exclaimed an excited Randall after he had made a deal. “Some kid said he could bear to part with his ticket just this one time. Weird.” It was only after Randall had bought a ticket with his kidney money that he was informed this Tulane game really isn’t that important at all. Like no one cares. “Well shit,” said Towson. “If it cost me a kidney for this game, what will the Michigan game cost me?”
TV GUIDE
for The Rest of Us
BRAVO
AMC
Breaking Bad “Felina” While running from the police, Walter White tragically dies of a bullet wound befoure he can succumb to canc...
HBO
Game of Thrones “The Rains of Castamere” The royal wedding of Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey is interrupted by an untimely massacre in which many are kille...
CBS
How I Met Your Mother “Last Forever, Pt. 2” After hearing how he met their late mother Tracy, Ted’s kids convince him to ask out Barney’s ex-wife Robin agai...
RUTV I’M SO FANCAYYYY
WINE & LIFESTYLE This semester, The Medium will recognize and give tribute to a higher standard of living. This week’s review:
Ritz Crackers & Generic Condoms CONDOM
Ritz Crackers are pretty yummy. You don’t really need to put butter on them because they have a buttery taste, but if you want to that’s cool too. They are also pretty crumbly so make sure to have some water handy if you have any, but if you don’t have water already sitting on the coffee table don’t bother getting off the futon. They go really well with Kraft Singles American Cheese (see 9/17/14 issue, Page A7) if you happen to have those too. Uhhh these are condoms. They give them out at Hurtado. You use them to fuck, but you could probably jerk off into them too.
WOW. LOOK AT ALL THIS EMPTY SPACE. YOUR AD COULD HAVE BEEN HERE. THEMEDIUM.BUSINESS@GMAIL.COM
september 24th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE ONLY SINCERE APOLOGY OUT OF RUTGERS IN YEARS
RUTGERS FANS, STAFF ISSUE LETTER OF APOLOGY FOR HERMANN'S ACTIONS Even the guys in the PED State Shirts contributed
BY JUST THE TIP EDITOR- IN-CHIEF
ment read. “Although Rutgers hired an outside company to NEW BRUNSWICK-- Just days vet Hermann and other candiafter reports surfaced about dates for the job of athletic diRutgers Athletic Director Julie rector, the university still hired Hermann's making a tasteless a woman that fired an assistant Sandusky joke during a staff coach at Tennessee for becommeeting, supporters of the Uni- ing pregnant,” referring, of versity apologized to Penn State course, to the lawsuit brought - and the rest of the world - for on against Hermann that cost the offensive language and acthe University of Tennessee tions that athletic director Julie $150,000 in court. Hermann has shown throughThe statement went on to out her professional career. mention the time that Hermann “On behalf of all the stucalled her volleyball players at dents, alumni, faculty, and fans Tennessee “whores, alcoholics of Rutgers, the State University and learning disabled,” which of New Jersey, we would like to led to a mutiny by the players. apologize for regrettable actions She was also accused of laughof a woman that was somehow ing at her players’ weights hired by the university after the and not allowing them to eat Mike Rice scandal,” the stateor shower after losses, actions
certainly unbecoming of the Big Ten conference. Rather than apologizing for her actions at the time, Hermann walked out on the players to work for Rutgers, where she allegedly has gotten into new trouble. “Some, if not all, of Hermann’s actions that we have been made aware of were both inappropriate and offensive,” the statement read. Even head football coach Kyle Flood weighed in on the issue. “That’s like the oldest joke in the book,” remarked Coach
Flood. “Our joke was at least pretty clever. We put up signs in the away locker room that said ‘Big Jerry’s Shower.’” "Times really are dark, man. Our Athletic Director makes an inappropriate, tasteless joke, and it isn't even funny," junior Eric Bledsoe added to the statement. The statement ended by saying, “It is unfortunate that the actions of one public employee making $450,000 a year have spoiled an otherwise historic and record-setting year for Rutgers fans and athletes."
Adrian Peterson Destroyed by Guilt, Vows to Change BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR
MINNEAPOLIS, MN— The NFL landscape has shifted dramatically since the Ravens released Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson was deactivated by the Minnesota Vikings. The league has struggled to downplay the controversial actions of two star running backs while Rice and Peterson are stuck at home on Sundays. In particular, Peterson is feeling very remorseful for his actions. In an interview with The Medium, Peterson revealed that the worst part of what transpired is not that he abused his son, but that he’s single-handedly ruining thousands of Fantasy Football teams. “Yeah man, Ray Rice is upset, sure, but he was a fifth round pick. Fantasy owners can recover from a 5th round bust. I was the first overall pick in a lot of leagues.” “Fans on ESPN Fantasy Forums are devastated, and I can’t blame them. I may have hit my
son, but the real ones taking the hit are fantasy owners everywhere who drafted me." "This really hits home for me, since my son drafted me in his fantasy league. I have to live with the fact that I let him down forever." Peterson has promised owners that drafted him that he will do anything he can to make it up to them, including providing insider tips on which Vikings players to start.
"WAIT, YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY JOKE?" Hermann firmly believes her Sandusky joke was decent
Student Sells Kidney For Ticket to Tulane Game BY QUEEN KAY CONTRIBUTING WRITER
"I SHOULD HAVE DRAFTED LESEAN MCCOY, DADDY!"
PISCATAWAY--Randall Towson, a 19-year-old School of Arts and Sciences Sophomore, decided to sell his kidney in order to secure his spot at this week’s game against Tulane. His actions follow the enormous amount of interest in attending Rutgers’ sold out home game against Penn State two weeks ago. “I wasn’t going to miss out on the game this time,” explained Towson. “I was going
paul james: we already miss you
to be ready.” Randall had his kidney removed last week at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital. He then proceeded to steal back his kidney and escape from the hospital. “I was like a ninja, it was awesome,” said Randall. Mr. Towson sold his organ on the black market for $200, which was just enough to buy the hot ticket item he wanted. “I’m glad I got $200 for my kidney because I don’t think anyone would have sold me their spot at the game for any Continued on Page 7