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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue XXII
50¢
APRIL 25th, 2012
HIS FACE
NEWS QUICKIES
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
Trash can a little too far for slob who left chocolate wrappers by the computer
CLASS OF 2012 DONATES FOR MCCORMICK BRICK WALKWAY
COLLEGE AVE—The graduating class of 2012 has chipped in to leave their mark on campus by commemorating the departing university president, Richard McCormick. "It's just our way of saying thank you for all he's done for us," said SAS senior Kimberly O'Brian. "His focus on our great football program was unlike that of any president that has come before him. And don't forget all the hard work he has put in for protecting the 1st Amendment MCCORMICK GETS HIS (WALK)WAY rights of The Medium." The class of 2012 can't wait until the student body can walk, bike, and The visage of the beloved drunkenly stagger all over McCormick president adorns a section of brick walkway cutting across fading from the weather or from prised many faculty members. Voorhees Mall, a high traffic area thousands upon thousands of "McCormick must really that will ensure many students trample marks, so that the stu- mean something special for will get to see and walk upon dent body can walk on McCor- them to put their money togethMcCormick's face. Additionally, mick for years to come. er for this," said vice president high quality pigments have been News of Rutgers newest Richard Edwards. applied to the bricks to prevent infrastructure addition has sur-
THE FAT RAMPAGE
Three Dead, Two Eaten in 4/20 Grease Truck Riots BY STOOBY BOOBIE BOO STAFF WRITER
UNION STREET— An overwhelming demand for fat sandwiches led to utter pandemonium at the grease trucks last Friday night, as hungry holiday partakers hoping for a fat sandwich or five became belligerent by a shortage of stock. As lines swelled and service slowed to a halt, hangry (hungry-angry) students began rocking the grease trucks from side to side, scaling the surrounding buildings like apes, and ultimately pulling grease truck employees from their posts. The famous RU Hungry grease truck was turned on its side, crushing an unidentified rioter. The empty clothing of two employees, covered in hot sauce
"I mean it was all the way across the room in the computer lab, and I really had to catch the LX for class." said senior Nick Gaus, who proceeded directly back to his house at Theta Chi.
"Is this still good?", Housemate's last words before 911 dispatch call
After a weekend in a decompression chamber, diver realizes childhood friend is "Kind of a dick" Softball team unsure of future play due to large amount of wasps on field IN THIS ISSUE VOICES OF INUITS
and other condiments were later recovered by police. The employees, Pancho Ramirez Sanchez y Sergio Nomamesguey are assumed devoured in the chaos. One chef, Victor Jimenez, 31, escaped with only minor utensil-related injuries. “Eet
wass a so scarrey mane, Dey pulled me from ehhhh dey grease truck, and all I remember afder dat es hearing Pancho’s screams, mane.” RUPD is still puzzled by the seemingly random hunger on Continued on Page 2
Summertiiiiime
ESTABLISHED 1970
Because you didn't ask for it...
the Medium
NEWS
“Any time your party ends with SWAT teams in riot gear...You did a good job”
WEALTHY NEWS
Black jogger spotted in Princeton
lost him around Thomas Sweet." Local and University police PRINCETON, NJ—Multiple reported an influx of calls from sources around the Princeton joggers in situations similar to University campus and sur- Collins'. Lieutenant Christopher rounding town have reported sighting a single African-Amer- Morgan of the Princeton police stated that his department reican man jogging in the area. "I just stepped out of the At- ceived about 30 calls to report a lanta Bread Company and I saw strange "very tan man," in town. The jogger caused a small him," said local resident Amandisturbance when his route took da Hart. "I was so surprised I him through the Princeton camalmost dropped my iced coffee." pus. Michael Faulkner, a PrinceHart added that the man was wearing iPod headphones ton senior told reporters, "I can't and "probably listening to rap imagine what he's running from. I didn't see any police following music." Princeton freshman, Megan him when he turned the corner." Faulkner also struggled to Collins was also jogging when imagine a destination for the Afshe spotted the man running rican-American man as there is down Nassau Street. not a single soul food restaurant "I saw him running behind me and so I sped up," said the in Princeton. A survey of those who had Princeton native. "Then he sped witnessed the jogger revealed up too. And so I just started that most believed the man's sprinting because I figured he was chasing me. I think I finally Adidas sneakers to be stolen. BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NEWS IN PICTURES
Staff Photoshop dude fucks up perspective and subjects New Brunswick to GIANT SEAGULLS SUBMITTED BY A FRIED MAN
MINE! A view from the River dorms. The GIANT SEAGULLS also happen to be eating from a pile of GIANT CORNFLAKES, because seagulls think that rooster on the box is the shizznit
Editorial Staff Spring 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Shane Whelan Joey Threlfall Jordan Gochman
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
NEWS IN PICTURES
Guy plans to use giant sign to hide the fact he cheaped out on his grad gown
Unlike other students, who paid $75 for their graduation robes, graduating seniot Robert Gonzales spent only $3.99, the cost for a yellow poster board
4/20 RIOT campus, though campus officials noted similar unexplained occurrences of rabid appetite last April 20th. “In both cases, officers oncampus smelled skunk. Everywhere, skunks. It’s inexplicable really,” said RUPD officer Bill Plart. It’s unclear to RUPD how skunks are connected to the chaos on 4/20, however plans have already been set in motion for the bulk of police officers to be scouring the wooded areas around campus for the mysterious mammals. “These creatures are coming on to our campus, getting into the minds of our kids,” said Plart. “We have to keep these skunks from destroying students’ futures and turning them into hungry, dangerous creatures.” In anticipation of another 4/20, students are advised to stay close to their dorms and maintain small lit fires to scare off potential skunks. “We will be setting up traps all night in the
from his local Rite Aid. Gonzales hopes that if his sign is effective enough, he might not even bother putting on clothes for graduation.
...continued from front
forest, so we ask all students to stand outside their dorms and keep watch while we are gone,” said Officer K.K. Sagan. With this type of skunk patrol, it is unlikely that next year students will be uncontrollably hungry next April 20.
DIDN'T MEET GRADUATION REQUIREMENTS (AGAIN)? AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE THE MEDIUM Look for us next fall!
News Editors Kaitie Davis Back Page Editor John Eberhardt Copy Editor Features Editor Phillip Li Secretary Opinions Editor NJ Books Webmaster Arts Editor Sara Edwards Faculty Advisor Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano Club Mascot That Guy Girl Look at dat Body
Kenny Brooks Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Cubby the Pug I Work Outttt
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Dan V. For helping me clean up my balls on Thursdays and Sundays
FEATURES
the Medium
Wednesday, April 25st, 2012
“Ouch town, population you bro”
FUZZ AND SCUZZ
Student of the week
EXTREME ADVERTISEMENT
Ryan “Neckbeard” Wilson
Age: 21 Major: Physics Minor: Mathematics Occupations: Fiberoptic technician and basement dweller
The final student of the week has finally come upon us and who better to guide us through this than Ryan Neckbeard Wilson. A man who attempts to juggle being a classic neckbeard and being a physics major at Rutgers. Ryan aspires to not suck forever. He wants to go everywhere, teach, and meet many people, preferably foreigners. (not vague in the slightest). Ideally he wants to be a professor but realizes that he may end up being a high school teacher as a result of failing at everything. To quote him he said, “I played games til I started fail-
ing at things, but then, I just started playing even more video games.” Ry’s favorite foods are sushi, beer, cheese, and party mix, which he just likes better than Munchies. In the movies category his favs include Drive, Heat, Scott Pilgrim, and There Will Be Blood( “I like milkshakes”) Musically, he prefers Mastodon, Porcupine Tree, and Boards of Canada. Ryan’s personality is highlighed by a shitty memory and morning breath so bad he can literally taste it. Last year, Ryan left his keys in his car 3 times, including an occasion where he left his car running overnight. Ryan’s neckbeard is his redeeming quality and his best feature.
EDITORS EDITORIAL
The Chronicles of My Ass: Part II By The In-Shane-iak ass-model. How does one even become an ass-model though? I suppose I would have to just run outside one day and strip naked hoping a talent scout was in the nearby area. Well then again, maybe I don’t have to be a naked ass-model. I suppose I could just wear jeans and model them. Anyway, my ass has been pretty good as of late and I have no more complaints about it like I did a few weeks prior. If you’d like to write to my ass, I encourage you to do so. My ass could always use the feedback. Stay tuned next semester for the Chronicles of My Sack.
CUTE
GROSS
Interview with William Shakespeare By Supa Krupa Troopa
I had-eth the honor of hurrying back in time to the 16-eth centuryeth for an interview-eth with Shakespeare just in time for the anniversary of his birthday-eth. Reading his works in high school-eth convinced me that, aye perchance, he was-eth a literature demigod. Me: Good Morrow, Sir Shakespeare! Monday was-eth thy day of birth? Shakespeare: Yeah, I guess. Me: Did-eth thee ever think-eth that thou woulds’t be a famous playwright-eth? Shakespeare: Great. Me: O Shakespeare, if thou wasn’t a playwright, what wouldth thou be? Shakespeare: A baker. Me: Wherefore doth thee get inspiration from? ‘Midsummer’s
Night Dream’ was my favor-eth! Shakespeare: Yes. Me: To be, or not to be: that is the question? Shakespeare: Fuck you. Me: How did-eth thee developeth iambic pentameter? Doth thou speak-eth in iambic pentameter on a daily basis? Shakespeare: Okay, this is fucking stupid. Can you just speak normally? I don’t understand anything you’re saying. Alas, I said-eth fare thee well, my sweet Shakespeare. Thou art as dreamy-eth as methinks. A SPECIAL THANKS-ETH TO RUSA ALLOCATIONS FOR FUNDING-ETH A REALLY FANCY-ETH AND EXPENSIVE-ETH TIME MACHINE
GRAPH
Rutgers toilet paper is way too thin and needs to be changed for the betterment of ass-wiping around campus. I am a victim of ass-buse. Yes, ass-buse. It is the act of...ah what the fuck am I doing? I really don’t want to write a part II about my ass. I had a bad shit a couple weeks ago and I really don’t think I ever meant for this saga to continue. After all, my ass has been pretty clean this past week. As a matter of fact, for the past couple days I haven’t had to rewipe after taking a dump. I feel like my ass has been so clean this past week that I could be an
INTERVIEW
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FULL PAGE AD
Wednesday, April 11th, 2012
“REAL ADVERTISEMENT”
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Voices of the
The Medium, in conjunction with National Geographic, presents:
Inuit Learn about the amazing culture of one of the world’s last ancient tribes, the Inuit. From their hunting methods, language, and daily life, come explore these Voices of the Inuit.
the Medium
VOICES OF THE INUIT
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
“Now that’s what I call...”
Understanding The Inuit by kodiak, governor of alaska (r)
As governor of Alaska for the last two years, it has been one of my greatest pleasures to interact with a number of the native Inuit people still living here. I have met families of hard working men and women, in touch with their heritage, who contribute greatly to Alaska. Every Inuit man or woman I have met has been well-educated, kind, and always willing to give me a belly rub. Unfortunately, this group has been subjugated for decades,
pushed into the background and discriminated against. Presently, there are only about 125,000 Inuits in the world. Those still around are called names like “Eskimo” or “Ice Eaters.” Other stereotypes prevail many parts of modern culture, like the idea that all Inuit’s are particularly good at ice fishing and live in igloos. I have commissioned this informational brochure to educate others on these great people.
Hunting Methods of the Inuit
Hopefully knowledge of their history and practices can help protect their culture. Without the Inuits, Alaska and other places with large Inuit populations would be left with fewer people to tie dogs to sleds and use them for transportation. I will not be the governor who allows that to happen. So please enjoy “Voices of the Inuit” and hopefully you will learn about the proud Inuit people and ARF! Bark bark WOOF!
dogs of the inuit
An Inuit man goes on safari in the native style of his ancestors. The Inuits are known for using harpoons to take down large game such as walruses, whales, and lions.
Famous Inuits James Franco
Idina Menzel
Screenwriter, Director, Producer
Academy Award Nominated Actor
Tony Winning Actress, Singer
Tribe: Tukikangitok
Tribe: Kunikpok
“I love being Inuit.”
“Being an Inuit rocks.”
Stanley Kubrick
Buster Keaton
Mariah Carey
Tribe: Issorartuyok “I’m proud of my Inuit heritage.”
Dan Quayle
Silent Film Actor
Grammy Winning Singer
Former Vice President
Tribe: Palartok
Tribe: Pissartok
Tribe: Illitsuitok
“If I could speak in my films, I’d talk about being Inuit.”
“My songs are inspired by my Inuit family.”
“Sikrinaktok erkrerutit, attukattak piglertarpok.”
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
VOICES OF THE INUIT “Jimmies rustled.”
Humor of the Inuit Yo mama’s so fat, I harpooned her. Yo mama’s so ugly, I need more than forty-six ways to say How do Inuits stick things together? ‘DAMN.’ Iglue. What musician do Inuits listen to? What’s the difference between an QueBECK. Inuit sled dog and an Inuit woman? Lipstick. What size shirt did the oversized Inuit man wear? Yo mama’s so fat that when it Husky. snows a lot, I think she’s an igloo. What is a long haired bovine norWhat happened when the fur mally found in the Himalayan retrapper made an excellent pelt? gions that also serves as a form of He was given the ‘Seal’ of ApInuit water transportation? proval. A KaYAK. What do you get when you take Yo mama’s so ugly, they named the clothes off an Inuit person? her vag ‘The Tundra.’ A polar bare. What happened when the Inuit What did the Inuit say on Halman saw the sad movie? loween? He blubbered. CariBOO!
the Medium
Inuit Facts
Inuits are well known for their time spent in the Northern Tundra, but at the end of every summer the various tribes pack their stuff up and head south for the winter, much like migratory birds. Most Inuits speak a language called Yupik, which is a combination of Yiddish and Norwegian. The Inuit diet consists of mostly fish, but some are switching over to more efficient methods of eating, such as storing frozen pizzas in the snow before defrosting them in the microwave. The average Inuit pelt coat contains the skin of ten adorable baby seals, or six adorable polar bear cubs. The Inuit who harvests the most whale blubber every year wins a free trip to Walt Disney World, where he or she serves as Honorary Grand Marshall for the “Celebrate a Dream Come True’ parade.
Traditional Inuit Clothing
Bone Goggles to prevent snow blindness. They’re not just in for a season, they’re in for the six months in which the sun doesn’t set.
A Big Fucking Coat with a big fucking hood because it gets fucking cold in the tundra.
Inuit Holidays - There is a feast called Potlatch which is traditionally held whenever a new totem pole is raised in the village. The Inuit who held the potlatch would often give away his most valuable possessions at the ceremony.
Huge fluffy mittens (above) and huge fluffy boots (right) made of caribou and elk and bears, because it gets fucking cold in the fucking tundra.
- Traditionally, a feast is held when an Inuit boy kills his first seal or caribou. This is a very important rite of passage for inuit boys to be considered a man, much like a bar mitzvah or a quinceañera that are part of other cultures. - The Inuit celebrate Kwanzaa, which is a week-long celebration held in the United States honoring universal African-American heritage and culture, observed from December 26 to January 1 each year.
the Medium
OBITUARIES “We all used to be such little children.”
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
KENNETH BROOKS (2007-2012)
KAITIE DAVIS (1970-2012)
The former Managing Editor, Personals Editor, and Back Page Editor Kenny Brooks was tragically killed on his most recent K-PASA day after running out of tequila, which in turn resulted in cardiac arrest upon viewing the empty bottle. He is remembered by his friends that never saw him due to his ridiculous work schedule. Brooks was a simple man that enjoyed multi-tasking, migraines, stress, and producing prime Sudoku. Upon his greatest achievements are finding a way to work 15 jobs while having no life. He is survived by his avatar.
The senior News Editor and former Editorin-Chief of The Medium, Kaitie Davis, was declared dead near CookDouglass after her bicycle shifted into fly gear and went sailing into the sky. Well, we presume she’s dead. For all we know, she could be on Mars or sailing across the galaxy on her bicycle into the infinite unknown. If she ever does return, perhaps she can come back with the technology to finally defeat the evil banana-people of planet Platano. If not, may she rest in peace, forever survived by her unmatched wit, insanity, and investigative muckracking journalism.
JOSEPH THRELFALL (2008-2012)
RICHARD McCORMICK (2002-2012)
Though we refuse to believe it, our beloved Business Manager, Joey Threlfall was tragically killed in a battle with an evil wizard because according to prophecy, “neither can live while the other survives.” The Medium will always remember his service as a man who could make money appear from anywhere with little explanation of where it came from. He had a kind heart for those who were able to perform favors for him. Most students will remember The Medium’s most beloved issue, written by and focused on Joey. He is survived by a string of beautiful girlfriends, wives, women he passed on the street who instantly fell in love, cougar moms, and barely legal girls.
Here ye, here ye, President Richard McCormick is no longer with us. McCormick was killed after his ceiling collapsed from too much strain caused by a metaphorical pile of accumulated student debt looming over him. His spirit has passed on to the great beyond leaving behind his family of five: wife Joan McCormick, children Betsy, Michael, Katie, and a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels upon his porch, turned over on its side. Students remember President McCormick as the guy that they found out about in their sophomore year that had zero impact on their actual collegiate experience whatsoever. His lack of purpose other than Photoshops in The Medium and the guy that invented the meaning of worthlessness will forever live on as a haunting ghost in Old Queens.
“E-SUDS” The Chart Guy (2007-2012) Several charts we have compiled from our experience with E-Suds...
The Medium’s resident Chart Guy, known by many as E-Suds or A-hood, was found dead outside of the ARC computer lab after collapsing from exhaustion from being too busy with other shit to do anything for The Medium. Police investigation revealed that prior to his untimely death, he had spent the last 4 hours dicking around the production room complaining that he was too busy to come to meetings. He will be buried in keeping with strict Jewish burial procedures, alongside his ukulele. He will be most remembered for his formidable Novembeard, which he decided to shave on November 29th.
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
ARTS
the Medium
“I AM SO MAYUD RIGHT NOW”
BUFFOONERY
REPTILES
PRODUCTIVITY
EMPLOYMENT
72. How would you greet a customer as they entered the store? a. How may I help you? b. Smile and say hello. c. Threaten their family’s safety if they do not exit.
MUSICAL TALENT
97. What would you do if a coworker offered to take you out with money “found” at work? a. Tell your supervisor. b. Decline their offer. c. Take the money, don’t tell anyone, and buy an Xbox. Come to our meeting tonight to meet the little boy with a big artistic talent...
8PM, BCC 120-A
Now that the semester is ending, send your closing thoughts in art to...
themedium.arts@gmail.com
the Medium LEIF
PERSONALS
BEEF
To the couple arguing in the study area in the Student Center: SHUT THE FUCK UP. oh my goodness no one wants to hear how dysfunctional you both are and how he is a bastard and she is a whore. go have you stupid fucking marital dispute in the privacy of your own home where you can yell and slap the shit out of each other. I HATE YOU BOTH. the only reason I’m not coming over there is because I have work to do.
I’m so tired of hearing about this Trayvon Martin shit. People die every day more tragically than this and just because this kid was seventeen and black, people say it was racist and soooo horrible everything blows up. Whenever a black person dies and a white person is involved it somehow becomes a racist issue because black people find every white person to be racist but when i seventeen year old white boy dies its just old news. O yea and did you notice Fuck couples. What the hail. that the protest held for Fuck love. Trayvon on college avenue was 98 percent black Para mi amor, people. O yea and for the Eres mi corazon, mi people who ARE racist, fuego. this is why they are the Quiero que te estes con way they are, because mi por eternidad. black people assume evTu sabor es delicioso. erything we do or say is Eres la luz de mi vida, ba- racist. con. Amo te siempres. (You are such an ignorant cunt, the person who shot (What a horribly written, Trayvon Martin was Hisgrammatically incorrect panic. Racism is only okay personal you’ve created. if it’s funny, please!!) And the humor in it is minimal. Whoever wrote this is Why can’t black people a small infant) talk correctly. Take your mother fucking time and To the girl on the EE who say a full sentence corwas wearing a jacket rectly for once in your with a Fugazi patch, I life. Do us all a favor and dig it. And maybe I was open up a book for once imagining this but you in your life as well. were eyeing me. Either way, call me ;) (lol) (Fugazi...a mysterious nerd reference! I hate being mainstream so I think I might go buy my own patch, and also their latest CD. They’re a band, right?! I Googled them. They’re my favorite band, I’ve loved them since I was twelve. Oh you like them too? They’re okay.) Tall, gorgeous, red-head @ Livi Quads, you are a stud. Can’t wait to see you next year ;) To the Sigma Chi brother who I always see around, I think your Moose costume is incredible and I wish I knew your name. I heard recently you were good at HTML code, maybe you remember this old gem? &hearts; I dont know if I can compete with your blonde smokeshow girlfriend, but I watch you practice your gloving from the window every night and am quite in love<3
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
“ I like this picture. There are boobs and waffles in the same picture. ”
To the deranged black man at the Douglass library who just grabbed my arm and told me that he was going to kill me because my umbrella was blocking his way: I hope you enjoy the free internet that my student fees pay for. (Aspiring meteorologists can never be trusted with your heart. Trust me...I learned the hard way.) TO ALL ASIANS, EVERYWHERE, You know when you’re walking down College Ave and you do that weird little juke thing with someone? Like you both try to walk the same way and one of you has to awkwardly choose which way to walk? Yeah, I only do that with you guys... learn how to walk (Aww leave asians alone!))
QUEEF
REEF
SCHMEEF
To the girl in Brower with the most annoying laugh I’ve ever heard- please fucking do something about that cackle. It really is terrible and every time you laugh, which is every 10 seconds, I want to take my plate of salad and mash your face in it. But you’d probably find that funny and laugh some more. PS, yes you just saw me move my seat and give you a dirty ass look, and yes it was because of you ruining my lunch.
dear BuschBoy- i now see why you are single. Your facebook profile looks like an ad for someone who discovers they have Genital Herpes. You act like a 2 year old boy and you’re really not as good looking as you think. It’s so pathetic how you can’t get over highschool and a wonder how you retain any college friends when all you do is scrutinize, assign people undeserved faults and put everyone down. Either grow up or go home. Rutgers doesn’t need your negative vibe.
To the girl with hairy arms eye fucking me from across the bus, you’re cute in the face and banging in the body, but if you have more hair on your arms than I do on my taint, I’m sorry but I just won’t have the will to bang your brains out. Ladies, love yourselves above all else. Maybe there is some guy out there who likes hairy girls, but please enough is enough. If I get eye fucked one more time by a hairy girl this week, I might start to carry some waxing gel in my backpack for their convenience, so we can fuck without me feeling like I’m petting Chewbacka for 1 hour and 30 minutes(average time bitches).
(Next time shove some nasty fucking Brower lasagna down that bitch’s throat. The passive agressive stank face was a nice touch, but To the fucking douche clearly that bitch isn’t learn- bag guys from tinsley who were shirtless playing her lesson.) ing football outside last week. Get a fucking life, to the boy who does the you aren’t big and no weather on Tuesdays girls were interested in on rutv who I see on you guys flexing while Wednesdays, you are jumping for the ball. Go adorable and I totally do something produchave a crush on you. let’s tive and fuck each other be friends :) in the ass. I’m sure you do anyway while you (Aspiring meteorologists scarf down your protein can never be trusted with shakes. Pussies your heart. Trust me...I learned the hard way.) PENISPENISPENISPENIS CUMCUM PENIto the girl in orgo would SPENIS ALL OVER MY blatantly ignored me FACE CUM ALL OVER as i tapped her on the MY FACE HUGE BLACK shoulder and asked her a COCK HUGE HUGE question about the quiz, BLACK COCK I WONFUCK YOU. you finished DER HOW LIZZIE IS DOin two seconds and then ING OH JESUS CHRIST laughed with your gin- NO STAY UP COCKger friends for the next COCKCOCK THRUST 15 minutes. Don’t look all THRUST COCK COCK offended when you pass FUCK IT FUCK IT COCK your quiz to me 10 min- CUM ALL OVER utes after it was due and i get up and leave To Ska music, Where ya been, beetch? dear Queen’s bartender: I never much liked you I’m sorry that I stole a when you were around, dollar off of your bar sat- and now that you’re gone urday night. You were re- you are not much missed ally rude to me last week my friend. but that’s still no excuse. To aepi’s gay love fest on to the guy who wears a the roof everyday.... That cowboy hat and boots shit gay every damn day. the only thing you’ll ride around to all the cops this weekhere is a EE and the only end... or really just this frontier you’ll go and friday: thanks a lot for conquer is downtown busting every single day new brunswick, where drink I went to. Luckily, you will absolutely be i’m like frogger and was jumped. able to hop around and still be wasted by 4pm.. (The only herd you’ll rangle just in time to rolll a big is a pack of rabid cats...The fat BURRITO for dinner! only lasso you’ll use is a hahah you all suck cops... noose to hang yourself from get over yoselves and hang out with me the rafters of Scott Hall..)
(This is just coming from the perspective of another dude, but I happen to like girls with a more natural look. Again, I’m only a man, with a penis, but in my honest opinion girls with fuller figures, minimal makeup and moderately hairy arms are the best kinds of girls.) You’re one of the best sights. When you’re near, I freeze up Like a deer in headlights. I just wanna say “sup”. Please do not walk by me, or please become a dude Because I’m stunned by thee. I might drop all my food. -- The Dusk (Every week this guy sends me a horrendous poem with this formatting nightmare that’s happening up there. I usually make it pretty, but this week I say: fuck you, sick bastard. I’m much too lazy.) To the man who thought I was following him through the parking lot behind TDX last Monday : You looked like an extreme faggot as you turned around multiple times to see if the small person behind you was a killer. You are quite foolish. I was laughing silently to myself at your panic. I happened to be walking that way also, get over yourself.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
“Its an Ostrula!”
LAST WEEK
NOT LAST WEEK
To the moron in my class: Next time you decide to I am in love with you. Me get a sandwich, maybe and my dearest friend you should eat it before have been making up dragging your barbarways for me to come up ian ass to class. No one to you and ask you on a wants to hear your loud date. Last semester was crunching and burping. the best ever because I It doesn't make you cool had you and you helped or manly. Just shut the me get that really good fuck up and grow some grade! Sucks you will be manners. going to med school next To my ex: I have no idea year *tear* what the fuck is wrong with you, but don't call -Your secret lover my work phone say (You + Me = Forever. Barf) "You're still there" and then hang up because its To the girl in my finance mad creepy and pathetic. class; No one cares that Grow some balls and for you slept with your the love of God, please go best friend's friend befuck something already. cause clearly your just another stupid slut so, its To the George Street no surprise. Also, maybe Stoop Man: shiiiittt man, you should worry about you a big dawg! I hope other things instead of that chair underneath how tan you are. you doesn't break any(Being tan is the least of her time soon. Gotta say worries. She should be wor- though, you must live rying about how long before quite a life watchin the fast-paced Hub City fly the STDs kick in ) To the Rutgers Dean of by you day in and day students- Fuck off ass- out. I hope you DON'T hole. How do you get die of diabetes or heart off being a condescend- disease so you can coning douchebag to me and tinue being more of a my friends selling tickets landmark than the Dougand playing music out on lass Bitches femi-nazi the steps at Brower, tell- statue thingy. To my math tutor,
ing us that "our music is too loud" on a Thursday at noon, then authorize a stupid-ass, old jam band to play so loud that I can hear it from 5 blocks away at 9am on a Sunday? You're an asshole.
(Sayyyyyyyy whatttttt!?!)
To the targum, Ill be honest, I use your paper for everything except a newspaper. I use it to mop up vomit, packing material, fireplace kindling, clean up oil that drips out of my car, and many other things, but I have never actually read the paper. The only reason I still pay for it in my term bill is because I take ity for these uses. (Man that targum does sop up oil pretty well.)
(Wonderful ass to face comparison)
(Release the bass cannon!.)
To the guindian cunt on the F bus the other day. When you bent over I saw what I thought was your ass, but your voice was apparently coming out of it, so I was confused to say the least
To my girlfriend, while I love you, and value your opinion, please shut the fuck up once and a while. You are literally killing me. I dont care whether you think my best friend is a better fuck then me. Please just stop running your fucking mouth
To the guy putting the personals page together, thank you for all you have done by putting the page together every week. I To all my assignments speak for eveyone when I that are due in the next say that we appreciate all week. Fuck you. I have that you are doing one lone exam and I havent even began to study (Thank you! much appreciated :))
LEGENDARY!
the Medium SUCCESSFUL FUTURE
Fuck you RU DOT. Why give a parking ticket for a car parked on Livingston? That place is never full in the Spring semester. But no, you guys are that fucking greedy since it wasn't enough making us pay an outrageous amount of money to park in crappy lots a mile away from the fucking campus. I hope the food you buy with our money gives you intense diarrhea. (Fuck you and all your tickets RU DOT. You took away all the livingston resident lots, gave what little we had to staff, then built solar fields over the rest. Where the fuck am I supposed to park my motherfucking car? Then you ticket me for parking somewhere else. Dont fucking sell the pass if you don’t have the space you goddamn cocksucking sons of bitches) I got a pocket got a pocket full of faygo! (Sounds horrible)
The boobies on the biddies go up and down...up and down...up and down (Good times, good times)
So ends another semester of personals, and let me just say, its been fun, I think. Time for another turnover, and another year closer to finishing something. I call it something because I have literally no idea why im here. If this was 50 years ago I probably would have just skipped college and gone straight into manufacturing or something along those lines. But not like you care. Have a good life, and stay angry.
themedium.personals@ gmail.com
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THE STATS PAGE
Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
“Do that to me one more time.”
Weekly Statistics Report Issues Printed Weekly Cost Issues Read Issues Eaten Issues Used as TP
Total Personals Received Total Personals Used Outright Racist Personals
1467
Management Editors Staff Writers Contributing Writers Supplemental Staff
3500 / week $400 / week avg. 3000 / week 40 / week 1 / week
Personals Stats
Staff Statz
(I hope he scars his anus)
A Mother Fuckin’ Pie Chart About Pie
Stolen Targum %’s
The Medium staff gives insight about their favorite pies.
Percentage of people who think our A****n M****s piece was awesome. 51% Percentage of people who think it was fucked up. 44% Percentage of people who didn’t really give a fuck. 5%
1250
Apple 24%
59 Psychotic Personals 311 Sexual Personals
American 29%
210 Friendly Personals
Staff Penis Sizes
8
Cherry 7%
Complaint E-Mails 4
Staff Salaries Editor-In-Chief $1400.00/semester Managing Editor $600.00/semester Business Manager $32,000.00/semester Kenny Brooks $4000.00/semester
4 8 9 16 5
Shephard's 10%
Pecan 2%
Cow Pie 7%
3.14 14%
Lemon Meringue 7%
Stunami Pokemon Leaf Green Supa Krupa Troopa (not so) Lil Bit Dr. K Morgan Freeman Underage B&
7.63 in 6.89 in 3.14 in 9.8 in 10.48 in -6.12 in 7.34 in
The information on this page has been audited by Inverse Square Financial. This information is compliant with penal code 69. This box is just here for the obligatory anal sex reference.
THE BOTTOM OF THE BACK PAGE “Do that to me one more time.”
Connect The Constants
Tweet Matcher
BY HANGING ON A TREE | Already Mentioned
BY STUNAMI | Not Leif
Match the specimens with their most recent Tweets.
You think you know your constants? Pull out your pencil and find out! (If you can do this you are probably an Asian on Busch.)
1.
2.
___ Wake & Bake! Literally. With a shake! #Yolo! ___ Should I buy this Vinyl? I just want to use the cover as a poster. # Hashplease
3.
4.
___ Hop on my magic schoolbus! #VanIsYellow ___ Prom next week! Starving for two. #Anorexia
Movie Review: La Casa De Mi Padre BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Ass. Backpage Editor
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themedium.news@gmail.com themedium.features@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.arts@gmail.com themedium.personals@gmail.com themedium.shakin@gmail.com (Summer is beginning, but that doesn’t mean shit. We have to report on something when the new year starts! Don’t forget us! We love you. Well, not really but anyway ... uhhh yeah.)
Wafflemania
Use this waffle to play tic-tactoe with your chums
This movie was a confusing battle of comedy and action. Overall, the movie wasn’t that great. Everything was in Spanish, so it is unclear how American viewers are supposed to understand what is going on. Apparently Will Ferrell wants to make movies that taunt the Ferrell fan because they can’t understand what he is saying. To make matters worst, white subtext kept playing across the bottom of the screen. Now not only can the
viewer not understand what is going on, but they are distracted by words flashing across the bottom of the screen. A few times, the text even blocks some of the picture, so the viewer can’t see what kind of shoes Will Ferrell is wearing. This movie had the potential to be great, but Spanish managed to ruin it, just as Spanish ruined our school days in elementary school.
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