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Volume XLVII Issue X
April 30th, 2014
SOPHOMORE FINALLY RIDES BIKE ON CAMPUS; IT’S AWKWARD
50¢
QUICKIES
BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR IN CHEIF
BUSCH CAMPUS—Following a pledge to go green by avoiding crowded buses, socially awkward sophomore Ally Wepner finally decided to bust out her bicycle and use the path between Busch and Livingston to get to class. Wepner, who has long dreaded using her bike for fear of loathing stares or falling in public, mounted her Mongoose brand mountain bike last Tuesday during a beautiful 75 degree day. “Gee whiz, it sure is nice out,” said Wepner to her roommate earlier that morning. “I think I might ride my bike to class today for once. I hope nobody gets mad at me when I "SO MANY REGRETS" Ally Wepner looked down in shame and panic as she pedaled away. dart out into traffic and/or hold up an entire bus while I stick my wear a helmet and insisted on felt an overwhelming sense of bike on the front of it,” she con- wearing flip flops while riding paranoia, thinking about evtinued. down a busy commuter street, Continued on Page 2 Wepner, who refused to
Woman Breaks Glass Ceiling; Cleans it Up Gym Rat Shows His Tone with Sepia Selfie Ciclovía brings Bogotá, Drug Wars to New Brunswick Pharrell Diagnosed with Depression Mike Rice Horrified by Donald Sterling's Remark
WHITEST MEDIUM YOU KNOW
Grapist Escapes from Prison BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a recent email to students, Rutgers University Police Department Chief Kenneth B. Cop announced that the “Grapist”, a mass molester who wears nothing but a grape costume, has broken out of his prison cell and is now on the loose. The Grapist, whose real name is still unknown to authorities and the public, was arrested last week after sneaking into a party off of College Avenue and telling women that he is going to “grape them all night long” causing many females to "I REALLY HOPE THAT'S JUST GRAPE JAM" The elusive Grapist escapes jail with police in hot pursuit. The officers leave and decreasing the chancfelt too uncomfortable to make any physical contact. The Grapist is es of hookups for frat brothers. suspected to be hiding out in Livingston Apartments to fill his juices. “I started to feel very uncomfortable when this weirdo standers, the Grapist has also in a grape outfit came up to me the 'juice' out of him.” and said that he wanted me to Along with making many been seen telling puns that retoss his fruit salad,” said Alexis sexual remarks to innocent by- late to grapes. His more famous Caldwell, a first year student at the party. “He kept trying to get me to feel him up and to squeeze SInce 1970
Segregating our Seniors
jokes include telling people that his favorite book is “The Grapes of Wrath” and that he left his family because he was tired of raisin kids. RUPD is still attempting to uncover how the Grapist was able to escape from his jail cell but it is believed that he squirted grape juice into the eyes of a guard and then proceeded to slip through the gates after covering his entire body with grape jelly. These are items that he claims to always carry on him. Chief Cop has mentioned a few precautions in order to keep students safe from the Grapist and any other colorful criminals. “Try to avoid walking in groups that include homosexuals because offenders like the Grapist are attracted to other fruits,” stated Cop. “If worse comes to worse and you are being assaulted, make sure to let out a little wine so others know you are in danger.”
the Medium
NEWS
"I'm going to get fucking destroyed ... "
Wednesday, April 30th, 2014
themedium.news@gmail.com
THE NOT-HOMECOMING GAME
TRAY-NON CARTIN'
Neilson Announces Expansion Rutgers Bids Farewell to of its “Trayless Trial” Graduating Homeless BY EATON JEJEZ STAFF WRITER
"I FEEL SO BE-TRAY-ED" Tyler Bennett awkwardly carries his food plate by plate to his tables. I mean, it's like so minorly inconvenient to hold my plate, WITH MY HANDS! I mean, I can't even. BY ANIME HAIR PERSONALS EDITOR
COOK CAMPUS—Determining that the Trayless Trial at Neilson Dining Hall was an overwhelming success, manager Mike Samatovicz announced that he is willing to make even more cuts for the sake of lowering student tuition costs and environmental waste. “Ultimately, it comes down to the students,” says Samatovicz. “I’m doing this with them in mind. Sure, I’ve gotten nothing but complaints over the lack of trays. And sure, no one seems happy with it. But is that what they really think?” The manager of one of the only decent eateries at Rutgers University is not convinced. He claims that since the students are still eating the food, they must not be that upset about it. And his plan to remove trays is CYCLE KILLER, QU'EST-CE QUE C'EST ...continued from front eryone’s judging stares. “Oh no, I’m the only person I’ve seen riding a bike today. This was such a stupid idea,” she reported thinking to herself. Wepner darted with trepidation between pedestrians, having to stop and start awkwardly while forcing others off of the path. “I hope my stupid bicycled body
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
only the beginning. “Once we establish that the lack of trays is permanent, we’re moving on to utensils,” he told Medium reporters. “Metal is an expensive commodity, and I’ve never seen a student say no to eating with his or her hands.” Samatovicz hopes to ease diners away from cups, plates, and finally, food itself. His reasoning is that if there is no food to eat, the University won’t charge for it. “Everything is for the benefit of the students,” he surmises, flipping through a huge wad of fifty dollar bills conveniently found in his wallet. “This is money going right back into their pockets.” Mr. Samatovicz plans on using Neilson’s remaining funds on dildos that Cook/Douglass residents can use to go fuck themselves with. does not bring great shame to either me or my family,” she continued. After having to get on and off her bike nearly nine times in one trip, Wepner conceded that riding a bike at college isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “This is almost as bad as riding a Segway or a Razor scooter. I guess I’ll just go back to being an awkwardly slow walker or another body plugging up space at the bus stop.”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—“It seemed like it was only yesterday that I first showed up in New Brunswick, and four years later I can only say it feel bittersweet,” said retired Cpl. Frank Abernathie, age 79, a local vagrant who is set to graduate this May. “I remember my first day at Rutgers. I was lost, scared and confused by how big it was. I got overwhelmed, and I hadn't been that overwhelmed since 'Nam. Hell, I still stay away from the ROTC buildings.” Abernathie then fell into a deep, thousandyard stare. The student body has also voiced some its concerns. “Some people don't differentiate between 'poor' and 'homeless'; that pushes my buttons,” says SAS Senior Eric Fitz, also graduating this May. “I'm not poor. I just got a shitty lottery number. You try finding housing with a 14,068.” Fitz, like many students, was denied housing and forced to live on the streets. “At least some of my [fraternity] brothers let me crash on the couch every now and then.” The Rho Phi fraternity since lost its charter and house after an incident involving drugs and sexual assault. University President Bob Barchi commented on the homeless population at Rutgers: “People
sometimes look at them as a nuisance, but they're just one of many demographics that make us so diverse.” Barchi continued, “[Rutgers] has one of the top homeless education programs in the Northeast. The employment rate for homeless graduates is 2.8%, slightly above the national average. Freshman vagrants are guaranteed on-campus shelter in the Quads. We even have special courses, such as the Byrne Seminar 'Dressing Warmly All Year Round' and Econ 220:000 'The Economics of Nothing.'” “There's a lot y'all don't know about us homeless folk,” added local Beneatha Barner. “Most us is Political Science majors with Comm[unications] minors. Thats why we always on that Double-E [sic.]. Class on Cook and College Avenue all damn day! And all these students keep bringin' the damn unhealthy takeout food. If we all wanted mozzarella sticks we'd be on the Brower soup kitchen plan! They think we just wanderin' and wanderin' 'round for no reason. We gots class, too!” “It's always an emotional time to watch a whole generation of Rutgers students move on,” addressed President Barchi to the University, “but at the same time, Rutgers looks forward to welcoming its largest
"I GOT RU SCREWED" Homeless are sad to leave Rutgers and seek unemployment in the City.
News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Rob Goldberg
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is [dedicated] to Condoleezza Rice. She is a(n) [inspiring] woman who helped lead our country to [glory]. Also, she is definitely [not a warmonger].
Wednesday, April 30rd, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“It’s like...Madonna meets Chernobyl”
RECENT SIGHTING ON COOK FARMS
IMPORTANT CONTENT
Circumcision BY: HIPSTER J 2HIPSTER4US
Circumstances change people. They change trust. Change friendships. But... Circumcision changes hopes and dreams. It changes God and religion. Morgan Freeman and a pile of leaves. And eventually, it changes the whole world. Circumcise now, it sets you free and allows you to breathe in some new and different kind of air, and see the world around you change in miraculous ways. Or you might need to turn on the gas to earn some Concentration.
FEATURED FEATURE
ELITIST LIST
Things I Will Miss Least About Rutgers BY THE BUS KID PROVIDER OF SNICKERS ICE CREAM BARS
• Fighting off hordes of my “fellow” students to get onto the F • Registering for classes with WebReg • Getting kicked out for three days because of Thanksgiving break • Having Greek Life hassle me for money for some shitty sale they are having • Our football team always letting us down in the second half of the season • Begging a professor for a special permission number • Waking up for an 8:40 AM class • Not knowing if classes are cancelled until I am already sitting in the class • Spend weeks planning an event, only to have people come for free food and then leave • Some drunk fuck yelling “R...U” on the bus in my ear • My neighbor moaning all night long as she fucks her friend • Not having HBO • Rutgers FAKE AD
KRUPA’S LAST KORNER!
How To Avoid Being a Real Person Post Graduation
1) Jump on the GoT bandwagon: watch each episode 3 times and dress up as Jamie Lannister. 2) Visit a third world country (on your parents’ money) in hopes of “finding yourself.” 3) Buy a really expensive suit, and get rejected from every Fortune 500 company you apply to. 4) Join TFA and teach kids for ‘Murika (these kids may have guns.) 5) Lose touch with all your frat bros and begin to drink alone-- beer belly & baldness for days. 6) Go through an early-life existential crisis while living in your parents’ basement.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 30th, 2014
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“You know what? Why don’t you put my penis in your mouth?w”
SQUIRREL COMMENTARY
Love is in the Air BY A SQUIRREL
It’s spring time, the time for loooooove. Winter is over and it is time for all of us squirrels to come out of hiding again. No longer do we wait around in the cold, striving for a glimmer of sunlight. It is time to run around and play! And I’m not talking about just us squirrels but I’m talking about everyone. Time to go out and find your significant other. Go on a picnic, take a romantic walk in the park, and have some kinky bondage sex. It is time to have your lover bend down and kiss your boots. Maybe try some old time figging or wax play. Then move on to some gentle flogging and gaping each other’s assholes. I know I’m going to looking for a nice squirrel cutie to try some new things on. And hey I’m down for anything too. Bet you didn’t know squirrels were into bondage did you? Well yes...yes we are. Ahhh I love spring!!!
SCOTT HALL COMMENTARY
Why Does Everyone Keep Talking About Me? room and waited there, much anymore, cause
BY SCOTT HALL I am writing to The Medium to ask this question to the Rutgers public: Why does everyone always talk about me? In case you don’t already know me, my name is Scott Hall and I’m a freshman in SEBS. Numerous times during my first two semesters here I have heard my name in passing, and I have to say, I am getting pretty sick of it. Take this for example: during first week of the fall semester I was walking to Lipman bus stop and these two girls were walking past me. As they are walking past me I hear one say, “Where are you going tonight?” and the other responds, “Fucking Scott Hall.” I couldn’t believe it! This girl, who I didn’t even know, was going to fuck me that night! My jaw dropped and I started to breathe really heavily. I ran back to my
up all night, and you know what happened? NOTHING! She never showed up! Prude bitch. And that was just the first time.
Scott Hall wishes to remain unidentified, here is his picture.
Other times while riding the bus around Cook/Douglass, I hear people say things like, “I hate Scott Hall,” or, “Scott Hall is so lame.” What did I do? Someone tell me what I did wrong! Do you know what it is like to hear your name being thrown around by everyone on campus? It’s not fun. I don’t leave my room
every time I do, I hear someone talking about me like I’m not there. It’s always one of the two: either someone is saying how they hate me, saying that I suck, that I am the worst building at Rutgers. I don’t really get that one but it still hurts. Or they are saying they are going to Scott Hall, so I run back to my room ‘cause it sounds like they want to be my friend. But they never come. And for the last two months, I barely went to class, I go get takeout right before it closes, and shower in the middle of the day when everyone is gone, just to avoid people. I have lost all of the friends I had made because of this, I just can’t handle the pressure of knowing that everyone here thinks the worst of me. So my question is: how does everyone know me, and why do they always talk shit about me?
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you feel about finals? “I hate finals because there aren’t as many people on Instagram to like my photos.” Monica Boggs, SAS Sophomore, Hot Asian “I miss my mom.” Michael Flem, SAS Freshman, Freshman
“‘The secret to getting ahead is getting started’ – Mark Twain.” Harold Jimenez, Fuck Mark Twain
I’ll Hold the Door Open for My Fellow Student BY MARCO THISOE
I’d like to think of myself as a fine upstanding citizen, and so am polite as much as possible. So when I went through the door just now, I made sure to hold it for the lovely lady behind me. She’s carrying a lot of books so she probably appreciates the help. After all, I have these nice, strong arms that can easily open the door. So why not? I don’t expect anything in turn—maybe a smile. I guess she’s kind of cute, in a punk rock sort of way. She’s also scowling so I’m hoping that this will brighten her day! But really I’m just happy to help!
Check your Privilege, You White Cishet Scum BY NECTOR MCQUEEN So what the fuck, you think I need some help because I outwardly present myself as a WOMAN, huh? Stop thinking that I’m part of the weaker sex! Men throughout history have done nothing but OPPRESS my sisters and this just takes the cake! What, do you expect a blowjob for helping me, “Mr. Nice Guy”? You think I owe you sex for being nice? Fuck you! Go tip your fedora and watch My Little Pony somewhere else. You are nothing but literal trash, I swear. You think you can just walk around with your able body privilege and open the door with your arm privilege for me? For ANYONE? Do you know how many disabled people feel like SHIT when you do that? I hope you fucking die. All straight white males are always pulling this shit. ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME? STOP RAPING ME!
PAGE A7
Wednesday, April 30th, 2014 themedium.a7@gmail.com
“Consider this a graduation present of sorts.”
the Medium
OBITUARIES Devin Baker
Known Review sympathizer and confessed straight-edge Devin Baker was found dead in his Livingston Apartment early yesterday morning, after taking his own life with a straight-edge razor. Known by many as “DBakes,” and “the weird kid that sits by himself and makes strange noises,” Baker and his attentiongrabbing hairstyles were a staple of the Medium for years. Most recently, Baker served as managing editor for the paper, instructing his peers in the ways of spontaneity and tight clothing. Despite his reputation as a straight edge and loyal friend, Baker had many secrets. With an almost lustful attraction to grapes and grape-culture, as well as a fierce hidden loyalty to the liberal agenda, there was much more to Devin Baker than the simple hipster he was believed by so many to be. Few knew of his passion for Duel Monsters, or of his love of screamo. While his non straight-edged friends were out having fun, Baker usually sat at home, dueling noobs at Yu-Gi-Oh while making his own screaming covers
of popular music and jerking off to his unrequited loves at the Rutgers Review. A sufferer of PTSD after rushing Gamma Sigma, Baker was a unique but disturbed manchild. He will be missed – especially by the leg press machine.
Lisa Mathews
Lisa “Anne” Mathews died tragically at the hands of her arch enemy/secret lover, Michael Interrante, who gave her cyanide laced soy sauce with sushi. Lisa was a jack of many trades and only slept with guys named Jack while wearing sexy high heeled boots. Sleeping with other people’s boyfriends without permission was another hobby of Lisa’s and she self identified connoisseur of all things hipster, artsy and flippy in terms of hair. Her legacy was encapsulated in a hell lotta brownies because they were special and high like her. Lisa also spent a majority of her time wallowing about being an English major and eating a lot of food. This made it pos-
Krupa Patel
Feared Rutgers dictator Krupa Patel was found dead in her HQ off College Ave Monday night by her minority live-in help from an overdose of pumpkin spice. Despite it no longer being fall, or November, Patel had just baked a pink velvet cake of the blood of her nemesis Yagnesh “Other Patel” Patel before injecting several grams of high-grade purified “India Brown” into it. Known for being president of every single organization at Rutgers, especially the ones with free food, “Kroopa Troopa” Patel was both charismatic and terrifying in her campaign to “kill them with kindness.” Gifted with inhuman strength, Patel made her start dominating the corner at The Medium, and quickly expanded her empire to RUSA, then the upper administration of the Rutgers Business School. As her army of dinosaurs and giraffes, familiarly called “babies,” wrought havoc, Patel later changed the official Rutgers color to red, vowing to make her enemies “bleed scarlet.” At the time of her death, Patel had moved her operations to New York to begin her global conquest.
sible for her uphold anti-socialness andawkward deliciousness. She also worked as a double agent for S.H.I.E.L.D. and was mainly recruited for her affinity for leather pants and ability to seduce Japanese men disguised as a sexy professor. She aspired to be the dictator of Japan one day but the closest she got to Japan was sleeping with sashimi under her pillow at bedtime. Lisa will be buried in an Egyptian tomb with a plethora of cupcakes under the KPOP dance studio. Unfortunately, no friends will attend because the only ones she has are all alcoholics and cats.
Stewart Hallman The Editor-in-Chief of The Medium, Stewart Hallman
(aka John Hallman, his legal name), was found dead last week after he committed suicide by hanging. He left a note behind saying that he ended his life due to his frustration with his editorial staff for not showing up to weekly pitch meetings. Known for his passive aggressive behavior and being the only one in The Medium able to grow a full beard, Stew was famous for collecting wine corks and watching shows a week after they were televised. While much of his personal life has remained a mystery to just about everyone, according to his Facebook profile, being a swell lad? was listed under his religious views and he was reported to have been interested in women? He is survived by the group of freshman girls that adored him in his New Student Orientation group and his siblings, William and Eileen Hallman, which no one knew existed.
PERSONALS
the Medium TRAYLESS
Who was the self entitled, sniveling little shit who decided to make Neilson go trayless? How about I take those unused trays and shove them straight up your ASSHOLE? now I just look like an idoit because I’m trying to balance my usual three plates of food back to my table. NO TRAYS AT NEILSON?????? What’s next, huh? No chairs? No tables? No matronly black ladies to swipe me in? Why don’t you just bulldoze the whole building in order to “save food costs” you stupid fuck? God damn it if I want to carry all three slices of cheesecake back with me at once I should be allowed to. Stop with this trayless nonsense. If Neilson doesn’t think trays are useful th Why the fuck are you using comic sans for our presentation, are you 12?
Why did Neilson take the trays? What did we do wrong?This is the worst tray-related article to happen since Travon Martin. I’m glad we still have knives at Neilson because I’m stabbing whoever’s responsible for taking away the trays. (Aim for the balls)
Wednesday, April 30th, 2014 themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Yeah, yeah. War crimes and shit.”
GRADS
BUTTHURTIN’
Haha fuck you Rutgers I’m finally done with your shit. (After seven years, no doubt)
Fuck they guy in my bio class, I'm so fucking sick of listening to your shit, just stop saying words.
HOMELESS Can the University stop this 6 foot tall black man in a black hoodie from stealing everyone's shit already! With all these crime alerts you would think they would find this black monster. Yesterday that black homeless guy who says he’s deaf followed me onto the bus.. scariest moment of my life.
Those homeless at Alexander are really starting to grow on me... (If you make friends with them they will literally blow you for crack money)
NETFLIX I really don't want to study but I don't want to fail my finals, I should just fucking quit school and join the circus. Can I be a professional netflix watcher? Is there a way to get money for watching netflix?
LESBIANS!
My fucking roomate is literally shedding all over our living room and it's fucking digusting. Holy shit how does some one have so much hair to shed? Why the fuck are you using comic sans for our presentation, are you 12? Might as well as use Wingdings at that point. (yeah why the hell is he doing that))
WEEKLY REPORT It’s the end of the year! There are finals! The sun is coming out! Sacrifice your unborn to the Devil! A sudden urge to never to school work ever again and just eat ice cream! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I hope you guys have enjoyed this page a lot more than I have! I mean, you probably did. Hopefully. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to starve myself until I can look at myself in the mirror while wearing a bikini without crying. See You Next Semester, Schmucks!
LOVE To the girl who keeps telling me about her boy problems, please stop telling me them since I just want to bone you too. And let's be honest, so do all those other guys. To the personals editor, can I take you out on a date already? (Sorry, I only date disgustingly rich guys!)
ADVICE
PIMPIN’
Dear Personals Editor, I'm going to Tanzania this June for a mission trip. What's the best way to exploit the pictures I take with them when I get back?
If I were pope, I would make anal sex a sacrament.
(Step 1: Be white Step 2: Take picture with black children Step 3: Post on Facebook with caption “Save the chilFAB dren :( :(“ To my friend trying to Step 4: drown is pussy/dick/ make fun of my fucking the genetils of your choice) fabulous dancing, don't Dear Personals, be jealous you ain't got I found a credit card on nothing on my style. College Ave. What's the best way I can spend PORN somebody else's money? A friend of mine works at a sex therapy institute, (That’s a question for a across from a business homeless person if you ask me) titled "Lube It All."
This has been weighing on me for a while: why the FUCK is it that no lesbian can shut the fuck up about feminism Honestly I don’t think for FIVE fucking minthe trayless think is such utes? Like bitch I’m trya bad thing. I’m mean ing to hit on you- surely I’ve gotten by pretty you have other interests. (And by “sex therapy” well. I mean sure I’m also Any interests. All it does you mean....porn? I bet it’s a huge faggot that sucks it make you look like a porn) dick al day, but Ithink bore. I’m hafway to suck- Knew a guy whose kid I’m a pretty good judge ing dick because of y’all. needed to take photos of on the standard of living. his parents at work for a YURI OF THE WEEK: BRENDAN URIE school project. Guy was a mechanic. In his office and the subsequent pictures was a calendar of nude women in the background. Those college party porn videos just don’t seem real to me? Where’s the creep in the background? Where’s the couple awkwardly grinding against the wall? Where’s all the projectile vomitting? Where’s the realness?!
Sup girl, What PG-13 movie do you prefer masturbating to most? Why?
(First of all, the fuck you get off calling me “girl”? I could identify as a nonbinary individual- ok, hah. Just fucking with you. As far as masturbating to PG-13 movies, there are several options: the classic is always a holocaust movie, but those are usually rated R for some reason. The Anne Frank movie may be PG-13, but doesn’t have enough gore for my taste to be stimulating. The second option is the Avengers since everyone in it is hot.)
(Most priests consider it to be already, apperantly)
LIFE I used to work in a high rise office building. Once, I was looking at the windows of the apartments across the street. I saw a guy walking around completely nude, stroking his cock, while on the phone. I presume it was the IRS. Mr. L., I love your eating habits. I love you when you eat barbecue chicken cheesesteaks with extra barbecue sauce and barbecue on the side. I love when you drink tapioca pudding and when you eat ice cream out of its container like a dog eats out of a bowl.
STUPID SHIT
One of my favorite things to do is catch people making odd faces for snapchat. (So any white person making the duckface?) Can we all admit Rick Springfield is a shitty friend? Jessie's Girl is all you need to listen to. Why do Asian émigrés pick such odd English names when coming to the U.S.?
Wednesday, April 30th, 2014
themedium.arts@gmail.com
TOO SOON? - RANDY BUTTERNUBS
Finals Suck, Right? By Satchel Gizmo Monday, April 28, 2014
15:40
Finals Suck, Right? By Satchel Gizmo Monday, April 28, 2014
15:40
ARTS
Finals Suck, Right?“Sure By Satchel Gizmo you can come over, but how ya gonna get home?” Monday, April 28, 2014
15:40
the Medium
Finals Suck, Right? By Satchel Gizmo
FINALS SUCK, RIGHT? - SATCHEL GIZMO
Monday, April 28, 2014
15:40
Well, class, it’s been a pleasure. Some advice from the Wine Genie: Degree Nav. Befriend freshmen forswipes. Take morning classes now, not later. Don’t shit in Scott Hall. Breathe in once, hold, in again. Condoms. Try everything once, twice if you’re not sure—any more than that is embarrassing. Stretch— no one wants to fuck a plank. Tequila will get you there, but wine will make it sweet. Submit to The Medium. Love, Professor XXX
ORANGE HULK - BURTON THE GREAT & SHINING LEADER BILLOWY BEAR - AMERICA’S ALLY
FAREWELL, RUTGERS - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
Pictures in Progress Page 1
Pictures in Progress Page 1
~XXX
Pictures in Progress Page 1
Pictures in Progress Page 1
APRIL 30TH, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com BLACK OR WHITE
NAACP: "STERLING INCIDENT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING I VAGUELY RECALL" BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON CONTRIBUTING WRITER
LOS ANGELES, CA—President Benjamin Todd Jealous, of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, has recently revoked the lifetime achievement award his organization gave Donald Sterling following his recent racist outburst to his girlfriend. According to Jealous, the Sterling incident, in which an extremely rich, powerful, and racist white guy has a complete lack of respect for a group of big, strong black guys who make him tons of money through their physical labor, reminds him of something. "I’ll have to dig pretty deep into the history books, but I’m almost certain this kind of thing has happened before,” Jealous recalled on Tuesday evening. “That whole white guy having disdain for black
people and mistreating them even though they are the source of his income situation: I can't put my finger on it, but I think I remember something like that happening at least once or twice before.” Interestingly enough, seven of the NBA players the Medium was able to get ahold of for comment, (Lebron James, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, LaMarcus Aldridge, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Garnett, and James Harden, all African American) agreed with Jealous, claiming that “something fishy is definitely going on, but we just can’t figure out what we’re missing here.” In contrast, Kevin Love, the lone Caucasian interviewed, was confused by the thoughts of his peers, stating adamantly, “No, I mean, I DEFINITELY can’t think of anything in history that this whole Sterling thing
Rutgers loses spring game
reminds me of. It’s unfortunate that this is happening today, but this whole notion of a white, racist, egotistical maniac who profits immensely from the work of blacks starts and ends with this Sterling fellow.” “I mean maybe it happened in a movie or something? I don’t think I’ve seen it though.”
THE NEXT SENTENCE IS NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH This leathery, old man has been putting his penis in this young lady.
Crosby accused of using banned beard growth hormone BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
BLAME GARY NOVA Picking up where they left off last season, the Scarlet Knights managed to lose their instra-squad scrimmage.
NUMBER OF DAYS SINCE LAST STANLEY CUP WIN RANGERS: 7,260 DAYS FLYERS: 14,218 DAYS
When Love was asked if he would participate in a boycott, should the players decide to not play until the case is resolved he was quick to say, "No." “That would be awesome though, if all the black players quit. I would absolutely dominate an all-white NBA!”
PITTSBURGH, PA—The NHL recently announced the opening of an investigation against Pittsburgh Penguins' superstar Sidney Crosby. The reigning winner of the Ted Lindsay award as the league's most valuable player has been accused of using a banned substance to grow a playoff beard as the Penguins aim for their first Stanley Cup win since 2009. "If these allegations are true, I'm very dissappointed in Sid," said head coach Dan Bylsma. "You just don't do that in this league. I don't care if you can grow a bush from your chin down to your toes or if you only have some peach fuzz, you just don't do that." Crosby's teammates were in shock following the allegations levied against their captain. "Sid wouldn't do that," said goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury. "Not the Sid I know. Not the Sid
FOOTBALL! TENNIS! HOCKEY! GOLF!
I love." Playoff beards have become part of the lore of the NHL since the New York Islanders championship teams of the 1980s began the tradition. Once the playoffs begin, players will not shave until their team is eliminated. The Penguins won their first round series on Monday against the Columbus Blue Jackets before the scandal began. The last major scandal regarding illegal HGH came in the 2008 playoffs when New York Rangers center Scott Gomez was found with the substance. His career has stalled ever since. "What do you want to hear guys?" asked Crosby to the assembled media. "I can't grow a beard but I have an MVP, a Stanley Cup and two gold medals. "Oh, and I'm only 26." Following the short press conference Crosby was heard giggling and snapping towels in the showers with teammate Evgeni Malkin.