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Volume xli Issue xxi
NEWS QUICKIES
Christie Predicts Transportation Projects will Advance as Broke College Students Become Construction Workers "It's probably the best, speediest school-to-work transition in the country right now," said Christie at a recent press conference
Military Officials Closely Watching where Sheen's Show may Bomb Next "He is likely to retaliate with his explosive temper wherever he senses little resistance," according to one analyst.
Study Shows Link Between Cancer and Reading College Humor Papers Obama Announces 2012 Re-election Campaign Slogan "Let me talk for, like five minutes. C'mon guys."
TODAY'S WEATHER WEDNESDAY: OH MY GOD,
CLOUD SHARK! INDEX Funplex..................................pg.1 Bowl of Chex........................pg. 2 Pokedex................................ pg.3 Cool T-Rex......................... RAWR Star Trek(s)...........................pg. 5 Just had sex.........................pg. 6 Creepy Ex..............................pg.7 Remember Gex?..................pg. 8 ...and K'nex?.........................pg. 9
50¢
April 6th, 2011 RU BROKE?
RUPA PLANS LOW-COST ACTIVITIES FOR REMAINDER OF SEMESTER BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
ACROSS CAMPUS—Following last week's costly appearance from MTV celebrity Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, the Rutgers University Programming Association (RUPA) now faces a gaping budget deficit that left members checking their seat cushions for coins at their last meeting. Recent treasurer estimates place RUPA's current budget at around $7.12. The group has been forced to modify their activity itinerary to realistically reflect their fiscal constraints for the rest of the semester. Though RUPA had originally planned to offer a mix of costintensive activities throughout April, most notably hot dog happy hour, a trip to Broadway, and Rutgersfest, all activities have been tabled for reconsideration. Attention was centered at the last meeting around activities that require little or no equipment and rely heavily on pure imagination.
DO YOU REMEMBER... ...when this was the thing you thought RUPA spent too much money on? RUPA has assured the University that it will continue to heavily cater all events, promising to offer a municipal tap water buffet from various fountains across campus. "Basically think of this as RUPA sustaining itself on Ramen noodles for the rest of the semester," said vice president Josh Bruno. "Not the most ideal
situation, but you do what you have to— shit, that's a great activity idea. Ramen fuckin' noodles night..." RUPA invites all university students to its latest offering this Friday night at the Cook Campus Center, "Make your own S'mores night— no, really, make your own, because we do not have the materials."
SAFETY DANCE!
Dance Ultramarathon enters final days BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
ULTRA COLLEGE AVE—The Barn-Rutgers’ Dance Marathon Contestants ended their 32 hour fundraising event on Sunday night, collecting over $380, 000. However, when most left the College Avenue Gym, a select few continued to dance, attempting to dance an additional 72 hours with a goal of raising three times as many dollars as the original. This event, called Dance Ultramarthon, will end tonight at 6 PM, and is new this year. It was started after a select amount of people were complaining that dance marathons were becoming too easy. “32 hours? No sweat,” pointed out SAS sophomore Lani McMatthews, “I want to see a real challenge, some-
thing that can push me to the limit, something where I could possibly die.” Giving into demands, the DM organizers have started this new event, with only a legal waiver required for signup. Health concerns have been raised by some. “The vast majority of people competing in these events are fratboys and sorority Those lasers are deadly...deadly sexy sisters,” noted Health Services Executive Services Melo- our dance tunes and oldies on dee Lasky, “Their training diets Monday,” said DJ Weeble Wobof vodka and Blitzburgers are ble, “and now at this point we completely incompatible with are forced to use tunes such as endurance workouts. But, it’s the Charleston, and Djiboutian tribal chants.” for the kids, so I approve.” Monetary donations have Another problem that organizers have faced is selecting taken off though, thanks to music for the three day exten- people getting really interested sion. “We have used up most of in this new event. “The prospect
Gee, it's swell!
ESTABLISHED 1970
...continued on Page 2
THE MEDIUM
NEWS "I have a poop inside of me..."
Wednesday, April 6th, 2011
SOME DUMBASS PUN
SOMEONE IMPORTANT HOSTS EVENT IN ALEXANDER LIBRARY BY THE KILLA WHALE STAFF WRITER
COLLEGE AVE—Last Wednesday, an important executive from the Colombia Broadcasting Station (CBS) hosted a Question and Answer session in the telecommunications room on the 4th floor of the Alexander Library. The session lasted approximately 90 minutes with three different questions being asked in 17 different ways. The executive’s answers were documented by one of The Daily Targum’s
foreign-sounding and hard-tounderstand reporter guys. The executive’s credentials include a record 34 Emmy awards, producing the CBS Evening News, and doing a six-minute keg stand at Alpha Epsilon Pi after the show. When asked if he knew Katie Couric on a personal level, the CBS executive said, “I got her digits a few days ago but I don’t want to look too desperate so I’ll wait a couple more days.” Dean Jorge Schement
(School of Communications & Information) said that it was the first time this important executive has ever visited Rutgers University. Schement described the experience of meeting such a powerful, influential man as being very influential and powerful. Students were equally enthralled by the presence of the top network producer. Sophomore Chuck Garrison compared this experience to the time he met actor Alfonso Ribeiro in
2003 at a Starbucks in Manhattan. “Alfonso was a pleasant individual, just joyful, but meeting this CBS guy was like ejaculating with a finger up your ass,” said Garrison. The CBS dude said he would return to campus sometime in the near future to lecture students again. He also noted that he would like his next Q&A session to take place on a Thursday after midnight, somewhere on Easton Avenue.
Another Season of 'Gay Football' Commences
BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
COOPERSTOWN—With America's 'Real' pass time under siege, countless disappointed Americans are turning to America's 'Official' pass time of Gay Football, a sport that involves hitting a small ball with a bat and running around a series of 'bases' in order to score points. "I don't watch religiously, like I would for regular football," said Mike DiNorgio, an occasional viewer of Gay Football. "But watching Gay Football gives me an excuse to drink beer when normal football is not playing." Indeed, many aspects of Gay Football differ from traditional football, including fewer tackles, no clock to beat and the use of a large wooden bat to transport the ball great distances instead of simply throwing, or running with it. DANCE continued from front of someone collapsing mid contest has become much greater during this new event,” said DM and DU finance director Mike Inverso , “As a result, we’ve seen much more donations for this, as well as a very profitable
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
Gay Football also features fewer note-worthy athletes, such as traditional football stars like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Instead, Gay Football features three famous people yearly, one of whom is always Derek Jeter. Despite current sentiments against Gay Football, members of the sport's fan base welcome new comers and hope that they will be able to soon enjoy it. "Gay football isn't all that bad," said Steve Richmond, a fan. "I mean, three games a night on different channels may saturate the market and make this even less entertaining, but I don't mind." Representatives from the Non-Homosexual Football League (NFL) have said that labor negotiations will be ending soon and regular football will return to keep Gay Football out of the spotlight. death pool!” 267 people were dancing at the Start of Dance Ultramarathon. As of press time, that number is now down to 66, with 14 people hospitalized at St. Peter’s Medical Center.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Secretary Douche Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Kenneth Brooks John Eberhardt Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to food science. Because it probably takes a freakin' genius to figure out how to turn the bone marrow of a cow into Blue Raspberry Jell-o.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES “NO CAKE FOR THE IMPURITY”
MARCH/APRIL MADNESS
BEACH PARTY!!!!
For the past two weeks, I (your pal the Features editor) have been judging the March Maness competition at the Stress Factory in downtown New Brunswick, and it’s been a blast. Come see the final eight comedians battle it out to win a spot at the Stress Factory, TONIGHT at 8:00! Bring in this article and your RUID for a free beer or an appetizer for your table! Below are some highlights from last week’s winners:
So head over tonight to watch the remaining comics duke it out; you won’t be disappointed! And remember to clip out this article and bring your RUID for a free beer or an appetizer for your table! The Stress Factory address is 90 Church St in New Brunswick.
ALCOHOLIC ITEM OF THE WEEK...WHIPPED CREAM! So my girlfriend and I decided to try out this lovely product one extraordinarily drunk weekend. First of all, I will be conducting my entire review based off of what I was able to remember as I slipped in and out of consciousness all night. First, I think I remember the alcoholic chocolate cream to be exactly that…alcoholic chocolate. I guess we used it for a few minutes and the next thing I knew The product comes in a plethora of flavors we had gotten it everywhere. My bed had a festive arrangement of chocolate goodness in a Rorschach pattern that resembled a…I blacked out again at that point. The next morning, I awoke feeling like Kevin Sorbo after a round with his 30-woman harem, chocolate smeared on my face and my left shoulder for some reason…I recommend this product. This product and drunken sexual trysts.
All the coolest people were there... Things My Father Used to do to Scare the Shit out of me By: THE BLUMPKIN GUY 1.) Made me sit in a laundry basket and ride down the stairs backwards. 2.) Introduced me to the new neighbors, who just happened to have a tyrannical, full blown doberman. 3.) Went on a weekend camping trip and threw me in the lake after informing me several weeks earlier
that a “lake monster” dwelled there. 4.) Told me I’d have to get my leg amputated after I ate shit on my bike. 5.) Told me the calamine lotion he put on me when I had the chickenpox would attract a swarm of bumblebees from the garden.
SNOOKITO
As you are aware, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi paid a visit to Rutgers last Thursday and it caused quite a stir. The “actress” came in with millions of fans and dollars and walked away with the same fans and a millions plus 32,000 dollars.We at The Medium feel it necessary to ask the important question:
NOTABLE QUOTABLES
NEW EMAIL ADDRESS!!!
Submit to features@rutgersmedium.com
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THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “This could have just been white space but I put words here instead.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Why Don’t You Read Me Anymore? BY CARTOGRAPHY: THEMATIC MAP DESIGN (5TH EDITION)
What hapBut what happened? I now pened to us, find myself lodged deep in your man? You used backpack, next to an old Rutto look at me all the time in gers Review and that ProgresJanuary and February at the sive Era book you only pulled start of Cartography II. You out once because of a quiz. treated me like a son, because And I feel sad. All the goals you really didn’t want the same you had for this semester, the thing to happen friendship we “I now find myself had, and now like in Cart I. When you tossing it lodged deep in your you’re took the first away. course in the backpack, next to an I know why. fall you thought, It’s because of “Textbook? Why old Rutgers Review.” that new friend of spend $125 for yours, Yeungling an ‘optional’ textbook? I can beer. Ever since you met her at squeeze by on just lectures and the Olive Branch, you spend all I’ll ace the projects!” of your time with her, holding Well, reality hit you hard her closely, and making lots like a ton of bricks. You barely and lots of mouth to mouth passed. It was then you decidcontact. I’m not going be toyed ed that you were not going to around like that. make the same mistake twice I’m not giving up yet. I and you bought me from a know you’ll be back for the fishady discount website. nal in May. But don’t expect too I just got in the day before much help from me, because class started, but you took to I see a half full bottle of Coke me like a fish took to an area near me, and I’m going to try of a choropleth marked as promy hardest to get messed up tected seas. You learned all and unreadable between now sorts of things from proper coland finals week. or design to scaling to discernI shall soon have my reing similar categories. We had venge! fun from the start to midterms.
ADVICE
Wednesday April 6th, 2011
Ask Bill Buckner
Dear Bill Buckner, I’m a Rutgers student and I’ve been having a lot of problems with my long-distance boyfriend at UNC. In the beginning it was easy to talk to each other but now it’s almost impossible to schedule time together. I still want to give it a shot but he’s been ignoring some of my calls and seems really distant when we do get to talk. Do you think it’s worth it to keep things going? -Lovesick in Lippincott Dear Lovesick, Sorry I let the ball go through my legs. God, how long are you gonna keep hounding me about it? It happened and there’s nothing I can do about it now. Have you ever played professional baseball? It’s not as easy as it looks on TV. Sometimes you miss routine plays. Sometimes you lose the World Series to the goddamn Mets. You can’t train for that kind of stuff. I’ve had to watch the replay on Sportscenter about a thousand times. As if I didn’t watch it happen in graphic 3D. Look I’m retired. I’m out of the game. You can’t just keep bringing up the past when it doesn’t matter anymore. Do you think I don’t relive that play all the time? Every night when I try to sleep I just see that ball coming at me. But in my dreams I actually stop it. In my dreams we win. Please someone help me. Bill Buckner is a former Major League Baseball first baseman best known for his time with the Boston Red Sox. His advice column, Ask Bill Buckner, goes through the legs - sorry, is reprinted in 200 newspapers nationwide.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
We Can Play Risk but I’ll Make You Finish the Game
BY KELLY HOPKINS Oh man, Risk? That’s like my favorite game in the world. We can play, but I won’t start unless we get to finish. I know it takes forever but it’s not the same if you don’t have someone dominate the whole world. Yeah, it probably will take us a few hours. We may even leave the board out tonight and get back to it tomorrow. No matter how long it takes, we have to finish the game. Here’s a picture on my phone I took of the board after I beat my mom and little brother. Sure it was 2am but that’s just how much we care about the game’s integrity. Jason, it doesn’t matter if you only have four guys in Afghanistan and I have 15 in Ukraine, we still have to roll! What if you ended up winning? Come on guys, we’re gonna play this right and finish.
Can We Please Just Go to Bed? BY KELLY HOPKINS IN 4 HOURS Holy crap, I can’t do this anymore. It’s 3 in the morning. Can’t we all just go to bed? Look Annie you have all of Asia! How am I supposed to stop you with my two countries in Africa? I know what I said before but this is stupid. I’ll just give you guys my territory. I don’t even care anymore. Let’s just play a different game if you want this so bad. How about Apples to Apples? No one gets insulted. I won’t tell Lindsey she’s a whore after rolling double sixes. Just because I wanted to win before doesn’t mean you have to be such jerks now. Like when you took Ural and said “Ural gonna die.” That’s my line! You can’t just take the things I say and turn them against me. You guys are the real assholes. I just wanted to play a game and now you’re being mean. We’re playing Uno from now on.
REAL ADVERTISEMENT
Wednesday, April 6f, 2011
ARTS “Bitch you don’t even know it.”
COMICS
A COMIC ABOUT MEETING AN OLD FRIEND AT A LAUNDROMAT
THE MEDIUM
EL MEDIO
PEOPLE-NALS “Put it back in your pants, Mike. And get soft...”
SLUTz
GEEKz
FREAKz
To my former alcoholic slut of a friend. Its absolutely not cool to get drunk off your ass and try to get with a whole bunch of random dudes you brought back to our suite in Atlantic City. good luck with you future herpes.
To the guy in my class who did not understand why the formula for the volume of a cube was xcubed... DID YOU COMPLETELY OMIT middle and high school? Who doesn’t know that??
To the guy at brower who put exactly 7 pieces of sliced turkey on his plate. and like a half a plate of mashed potatos with gravey. What is wrong with you?
What’s the probability that my ex-girlfriend will come back to me after I slept with her older sister. The fact is, I was just trying to resolve the awkward sexual tension I had around her. I did it for the good of our relationship. Better now than later, right? (Exactly how did you expect this to make things less awkward?) I feel that everytime I have sex with another man, my life is becoming shorter. (It should. should.)
It
simply
To the girl I fucked after the theta chi party. you should really sign up for some porn company’s casting call. The shit you did changed the way I will fuck forever. thank you. (I would cast you in a movie about a young autisic boy who loses his virginity at a frat party.) Fucking indian guy who did everything but molest me on the crowded F bus. What the fuck is your problem. I know the bus was crowded but you were seriously violating my personal space in ways that no one has ever done without consent. To the girl with the fucked up orange skirt at the rsc bus stop last thursday. WHY??? Its fuckin orange!!!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
To the douche in my calc recitation who yelled i gotta take a leak and ran out of the room when the ta asked a question. You definitely ARE a douche but you’re a funny ass one for sure! (When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go?...) So my precalc TA is here for a masters degree or something, but for some reason, he always multiplies instead of add when theres a plus sign and then ends up getting the problem wrong. yuo should just quit. you won’t get far. (Thanks for telling me?) I can’t believe I pay so much money to go to this school, but I can’t graduate because the class I need to graduate doesn’t occur this semester. (That’s so sad. Well... see ya next year!) ditto to the guy who knocked that loud bitch who sits in the front of cs110 lecture’s water off her desk. SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH. Its intro to computer apps. if you know every fuck thing about computers you should not be taking this fuckin class. (Why not? Easy credit...) To the bling bling boy in my topics in math class- wah the fuck are you doing with your life. you come in with madd chains and shit on and udont pay attention. (Don’t be hatin...)
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(Dr. K’s diagnosis: tapeworm. See a doctor) Apparently it is now acceptable to eat soap, according to some weird bitch in the rsc bathroom. what is wrong with this world? (Compared to most things I see people eat, I’m thinking this isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve heard.) To the random guy blowing bubbles in like 30 degree weather at the Rutgers Student CEnter. You look cold... (I would imagine he is if he has nerve receptors. Thank you for informing us, almighty stater of the obvious.) It is so unfair that people who go to office hours and lick their professors’ asses get passing grades for not knowing shit. (If that were the price of not having to do any work for four years, I’d say bring on the chocolate.) To my Philosophy Professor: I hate this whole subject I’m forced to take a class in to graduate, so please, make my life a whole lot easier: know your train schedules, and stop cancelling classes. (Well, at least you get to get some sleep time in... I ll be up at 8AM tomorrow, thank you.) To my multi-colored combo deck, YOU BROUGHT SHAME UPON THE TEAM TODAY. I got no lands on the draw, one forrest on the mulligan and no lands for the next 8 draws!? FOR SHAME. Next time you do that to me, you’ll get two taps; one to the chest and an insurance one to the head. I am a Planeswalker. (okay...) To the guy outside brower yelling about jesus. your charm is lacking. you have actually made me feel less christian. Segway guy: I’m waiting to seeyhou riding on route 18.
COMPUTER GUY
MORE COMPUTER GUY
To the red haired kid on the L bus on friday night asking what a “blumpkin” is.... You clearly haven’t been to college long enough.
to the tall asian bitch at AZO who pushed me down the stairs.. Fuck you! my arm is now broken... :(
(The staff of The Medium knows all too well what a Blumpkin is.)
to my professor who teaches using a transparency projector.. WTF MAN! get with the times!
to the dumb bitch at the AZO party who puked on the keg... all i can say is WTF! (although it made the natty taste better)
to the asian guy who walks around campus looking like a retarded Jackie Chan... You’re my hero
(ewww....)
(And you are my hero for getting me to the end of this misery. PEACE.)
to you skanks out there at rutgers... CALL ME!
WE ARE A NICE BUNCH OF PEOPLE. WE DO NOT STEAL SOULS. WE DO NOT STEAL SOULS. WE REPEAT, WE DO NOT STEAL SOULS. WE PROMISE.
Join The Medium!!!
8:00 PM WEDNESDAYS RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER 410 FROM THE DESK OF DR. K. Hey Y’all, I’m so sick of checking my e-mail and not having personals to greet me. You motherfuckers better start getting angry and writing shit to us. Try to limit the stupidity of your personals, but we are universally accepting of anything without names, threats, and nude male photographs. By the way - BE SURE TO USE YOUR RUTGERS E-MAIL ADDRESS!!! I cannot publish anything from elsewhere.
personals@rutgersmedium.com
- Dr. K.
PERSONALS
Wednesday April 6th 2011
“One door closes and the other handicapped door opens.” BITCHIN’
MOAR BITCHIN’
CRAZY? PROLLY...
To the girl who keep hitting me with her backpack on the H bus on Monday; I am going to cut you. To the girl who stopped by my work last week; Don’t ever come back. To RUPA; Thank you for making my realize that the cost of one school year for me equals fucking Snooki staying here for a few hours. That was so incredibly stupid of all of you. Fuck all of you. To my neighbors; The next time you play your shitty music at 6 in the morning on a Saturday, I swear to God I will drive my car into your living
To the douches who interrupted my Witchcraft and Magic class by cackling and jumping around on brooms; Look, that was funny the first time, but after the second time, it was just really fucking stupid. You all fail at life completely.
To the guy who called me a dumbass. I’ll cut u. To the whoever keeps posting scary shit on the personals site; Just stop it already because no one gives a fuck anymore. Dude can you call my cell phone? No seriously like right now? Thanks bro. Thanks. To the girl in my M&W Feminist Theory class; OMG I hate you so much. All you fucking do is monopolize the discussions the entire time. Go. Away. (Feminist raaagggeee. Wow. Like that’s never been fucking done.) To the guy I sent that text to this past weekend; I was really, really drunk and high. Just forget about it. Thank you.
(Obviously you’re not lucky enough to orchestrate an accidental gas leak like some of us are. Those are helpful...) To the semester; Can we just seriously hurry all this the fuck up? Its taking forever and I think my brain has given up. To RUPA; Two words; FUCK. YOU. (Can we stop with with RUPA shit? They fucked up. We get it. Seriously, we do. So stop it already.) To the dude in my Thursday class; You would be really attractive if you did something about those God awful sideburns. To Oliver Klozoff; You’re not fooling anybody. To the kid playing bongos on the college ave. quad: while playing the drums is a great opportunity to be creative and have some fun, it is 4:00pm and I am trying to nap. Hello. I can has seckz? To my roommate; You know what made that shot taste so weird? It may have something to do with me jizzing in your shot glass. (That is awesome. I want to meet the sick, twisted bastard who sent this in and compare notes on how give everyone the poops by using Visine and coffee filters...) To my roommate; Stop being a stubborn bastard and sacrifice your own happiness for my own already. (Happiness is like peeing; It’s inappropriate.) To Rihanna; Please stop. Just stop.
Why do people shit all over the ARC bathrooms? To the isawyourutgers page; Thank God that you are still a fail. (See? I fucking told you people that site sucks. We don’t even moderate that anymore, FYI...someone else does.) Dear Schezuan, Make better food. Sincerely, My colon Need help on exams? Need passing grades but don’t like to study? Want to get into a great grad school? So do I...:\ To my fucking roommate, being a nerdfighter isn’t fucking cool. That girly laugh that you do while watching video blogs isn’t funny either. Go get a life and watch some fucking porn. Oh yea, take a shower once in a while, bitch. To the Rutgers bookstore; You people are awful. I now know why they devoted that awful structure to your suckiness. To my roommate; There is a reason wy no one likes to hang out with you. I suggest that you just take a damn hint already. Thank you Busch Dining Hall for giving me food poisioning. I would think Tillet or Brower would do this but Busch is the least expecting place to get food poisioning from. To anyone; I could definitely use a hug right now. Parents have been giving me the cold shoulder for three straight weeks. To my Planet Earth professor; Although you are slightly attractive in a certain light, you seriously need to fix that heavy Russian accent of yours. How can you expect me to pass this class if I can’t understand a God damn word you are saying. (At least you have hot professors. So just stfu.)
Yes...the creepy, pale ninja remembers...he never forgets. Never forgets. To that bitch on the F bus who kept bumping int me with her damn backpack and then almost threw me off when the fucking doors opened; I hate you and you better hope I never see you again. To the angry ginger man; I have no idea what the fuck your problem is, but you need to chill the fuck out and know when to take a damn joke. I am no longer reeling. I was, but I got really queasy. Ha :) To my eyeshadow; Why do you have to migrate into my eyeballs? It hurts really bad and is awkward in social situations. (Migrating eyeshadow. Ok. Whatever. Weird shit.) To the incredibly obese man who sits on the stoop on George Street; I really want to be a member of your kick ass stoop posse. (They’re probably just Bloods. Just go up and asl them for an application. They can be really friendly.) To the ice cream truck in my neighborhood; Please crash already. NO ONE BUYS ICE CREAM AT 11 O’CLOCK AT NIGHT. Unless you’re a drug truck.
THE MEDIUM
From the addled mind of Spicy Caramel Things to not to do after a break up 1. Drive creepily past their house. Chances are, they still know what your car looks like, genius...although it does make a good drinking game for the people that live there when they think they see your car. 2. Show up at their house crying. No one likes to see someone crying. It just makes both parties really sad and then when you see them again, its fucking mad awkward. 3. Vandalism. Not only is it illegal, but its really scary and chances are, they are going to figure it out. It is also just really crazy and creepy. FOR REALS. To the guy who was desperately trying not to make scratching his balls obvious on the REXL on Monday morning; That was a nice try. I admire your boldness. To the girl who got on the EE bus tonight with the cardboard robot; I admire your ability to squeeze yourself onto the bus like that.
CLASSES
To the guy who sits in the front of Witchcraft and Magic; Please stop arguing with the professor. Not only is it annoying, but it makes you look like a complete fucking freak with no life whatsoever. To my professor who still uses transparenices for class; Seriously? What the fuck is this? 1997? To Weeds; I really hope To the dumbasses who there is another season. I sit behind me in Patterns in Civ: Death: shut the need a reason to live. To whoever left the fuck up when the profesIphone charger in the sor is lecturing. Some of outlet in thesecond floor us actually want to do lounge of the DCC; Thank well in the class. And get you very much. I really your smelly ass feet away needed a new one, an the from my head. Your feet fact that it was free is re- should be on the floor, not anywhere near my ally awesome. To my math class; I want face. you to know that I am try- To all the guys in the ing very, very hard this front row of our War, time. I am actually very Peace, and The Military?. serious this time around your jokes are absolutely because this is just crap fuckin hilarious!!!! And that one about Count right now at this point. To the upcoming NYC Dooko and James Bond: Hackathon; I would go, fuckin priceless. You’re but I think that I will be on your way to suckin the professor’s cock in no the only female there. Special “Fuck you” goes time! In fact, why don’t out to the Green Room you all just ask him out? Bar in Flagstaff, AZ for Or better yet, SHUT THE thinking my ID was fake FUCK UP!!!!! I’m actually and calling in the cops trying to pass to make when I was there for dean’s list so my parents spring break. Granted, don’t stop paying for tuyou gotta be vigilant for tion, and I can’t fucking counterfeits, but come do that while y’all are on, what the hell? I show making 5th grade jokes my license to Knight at the start of every class. Club, snf they don’t look SHUT IT, OR I FUCKIN twice, and that’s a place WILL!!!!! that prides itself on snag- HEY! WE’S GOT US ging fakes. NEW EMAIL! Write this Today just generally shit down because sucks. I wish it would you all know that the just hurry up and finally site doesn’t really die already. work... (Wow. Someone has some personals@rutgersserious, dark and scary medium.com issues...)
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ “The Miz is still Awesome!!!”
eally? utgers
with The In-Shane-iak
Thirty-thousand dollars?! Are you kidding me?!?! I was doing some web-surfing this past week and I came across a bit of news that frightened me. Someone I’ve never heard of, Toni Morrison, is going to speak at graduation for the delicious price of $30,000. I’ve been trying to hit that 30-grand on those Crossword scratch-offs for the past four years and this lucky NO-BODY gets it just for talking in front of a crowd! Who in the blue hell is Toni Morrison anyway? Was she The Doors’ lead singer Jim Morrison’s step-sister? Is she the founder of Morristown, NJ? What the hell did she do? I think the bank I took out a loan from has a right to know what my tuition is paying for. I can only imagine on why the university decided to pick this irrelevant mystery person to speak at commencement. Personally, I feel Rutgers could have aimed a little higher. Perhaps next time shoot for Khloe Kardashian or maybe Guy Fieri? Thank God I’m not graduating this year! If I were a graduating senior, I’d most definitely ask for a refund. I’d probably settle for a free coffee too.
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Wednesday, April 6, 2011
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Francesca Fiore Year: Junior Major: Artsy Stuff Job: Campus celebrity Resides: Rome, Italy Food: Bagels w/ peanut butter Drink: Cheap European wine Music: Duh, singing! Interests: The Rutgers Fight Song, being in America, not being in America, swimming, Livingston Theater Company, and pretty much anything artsy, beautiful, and old-fashioned.
Holy Crap, That’s a Lot of Dolls
If you pick up The Daily Targum you’ll probably find a picture of Francesca above an article reviewing one of her plays. But don’t pick up the Targum. Currently, Francesca is studying abroad in Rome. Most of her days are spent painting and chasing pigeons in St. Peter’s Square. She loves Europe’s fondness for good food and has developed a drug-like addiction to Nutella. Upon returning to the states, she will have officially traveled everywhere in the world (not counting the third-world). What’s next for the beautiful Francesca? Broadway? Hollywood? Beer taste tester? “I’m not a huge fan of beer, but I have to say, the beer in the Czech Republic was pretty good.”
Events You Will Most Likely NOT Attend Softball vs. Iona Time: Thursday, 3 PM Place: Softball Complex, Livingston In summation, guys from your local taverns banding together to drink beer and swing their bats.
Citizenship Rutgers Time: Saturday, 11 AM - 2 PM Place: Rutgers Student Center, 4FL Discussing methods for keeping illegals out of the country. Free snacks and beverages.
Lawnmower Show & Race Time: Sunday, Noon Place: That big-ass field by the Eagleton buidling Come enjoy a spectacle like no other as proud landscapers from across Central Jersey show off their wheels. Also featured is a meet and greet with landscaping legend, Gary Alan.
Please forward all complaints and grievances up your ass. Please send all your money to... shakin@rutgersmedium.com
A LBUM R EVIEW T IME By Craig Koniges
TREMOR / Para Armar /
Electronica
Tremor is the stage name of Leonardo Martinelli, a musician/composer from Argentina. This album is a collection of music that he has made both in collaboration with various other artists and also as remixes of their work. He draws on intelligent dance music, and of course, Argentinian folk music. Expect tracks where you hear a tango-style accordion cut up and mixed around with drum machines and 8-bit bleeps. The album definitely leans more towards the electronic than the folk but I suggest playing the tracks with obvious folk samples. Track 5 is a more relaxed track that is more electronic sounding, track 1 has a more oddball, cut up beat with accordion samples, and track 3 is my personal favorite featuring a really nice guitar sample. By the way, the track names all start with artist first, so keep that in mind when reading back.