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RutgersMedium.com
APRIL 8th 2015
Volume XLIX Issue VII 50¢ QUICKIES
IT'S A NERD-O-LUTION
NERD HOUSES READY TO STEP UP IN FRAT ABSENCE No stabbings in New Brunswick Pharmaceutics welcome Bless You season in April
this weekend Area girl jacks off local guys and reaps profits from sperm banks Experts agree that one direction member Zayn Malik leaving is definitely Zayn moving in the right direction
BY PAULIE VALENTINE
NEW BRUNSWICK - Freshman girls became distraught this week upon hearing news that Greek organizations would be banned from hosting parties for
"BUCKLEY AND HIS ROOMMATE PICTURED ABOVE HAVE JUST STOCKED UP ON ALCOHOL FROM HIS PARENTS' HOUSE"
the rest of the semester. In wake own. Prepared for Friday night, of the absence of their debauch- John Buckley, a School of Engiery, local nerds have decided to neering junior, moved to Colstep up and host parties of their Continued on Page A7
Netanynahu announced as a Founding Father for work on separation of power Africa most liked continent on FB
WHAT WOULD KATARA DO?
LINGUISTS DISCOVER PRONUNCIATION OF WATER Bruce Tavarez of the Rutgers Department of Linguistics. “The NEW BRUNSWICK - A team of results were interesting, but not Rutgers linguistics professors, interesting enough to warrant in collaboration with researchcontinuation of the study. So I ers from the University of Towent to go see Furious 7 with ronto, published the results of my son instead. ” a ten-year long study yesterday The researchers found that in the Journal of Sciencey Stuff. the Philadelphia way of proThe subject of the study was on nouncing water was phonologithe mundane yet consistently cally correct. argued about subject of the pro“Frankly, I think every pernunciation of the word “water” son from New Jersey is an idiwithin New Jersey. Researchot,” said Dr. Elizabeth Cruper, ers studied over 560 adults to Professor Emeritus in the Deunderstand their speech habits partment of Linguistics at the during the course of the study. University of Toronto. “I just The study concluded that wasted ten years of my life.” the difference in how to vocalOn campus, students’ opinize the word often comes down ions were mixed on the results to geographic differences. New of the study. Jerseyans closer to New York “That’s some fackin bull,” say “WA-ter” and those closer said sophomore Tony Mernetti. Philadelphia say “wood-ER.” “What are ya gonna tell me next, "WATER IS NOT MUNDANE. WATER IS THE SOURCE OF LIFE." “Every member of our team Photo illustration created by Orly October/ Staff Photographer Continued on Page 2 has differing opinions,” said Dr. BY JUST THE TIP
Living off the gridlines Since 1970
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NEWS
“I'M IN MIAMI BITCH!” Novak Djokovic, World No. 1 tennis player
AWKWARNESS STRIKES ACADEME
College Accidently Accepts Students, Doesn't Know How to Break It Off
NEWS IN PICTURES
Wednesday, April 8TH, 2015
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Papal Elections 2016
BY CAILLOU
PENNSYLVANIA -- Over the past few months, a socially awkward college accidently accepted over 1000 students for its undergraduate program and doesn't know how to let them know that actually they don’t really want them there. The college’s name is being withheld at this time out of pure shame. "We weren't looking for anything serious, maybe we gave off the wrong message. Now they're moving in and we just don't know what to do! We don't want them to hate us. We still want to stay friends and keep them on our mailing list to spam them with graduate school brochures in four years. But for right now, it's just moving too fast. It doesn't feel right." The students and the college have only gone on one admission interview together, yet the accidental acceptances have shown up to the college with their tuition payments in hand. One even brought their puppy Rosco, a 5-year-old Daschund that hasn't been neutered, but is really friendly and you'll love him. The student neglected to tell the college that Rosco likes scratching up furniture, and might create a mess in the kitchen. Unlike the college, the students are excited to start their new life with the college.
"Honestly, meeting [college name] has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Before we met, I was a lazy, good-for-nothing stoner who barely got Cs in high school. But once we met, something changed. I knew we were destined for each other! I cleaned up my act, became a straight-A student, and I feel better about myself too! If I didn't get accepted, I don't know what I'd do. Probably hold an intense grudge with them and do everything in my power to destroy their reputation until Satan himself draws the last breath from the cavernous bowels of my animosity towards them." The Rutgers University Admissions Office was approached by the college looking for advice on how to turn away applicants. Kendra Rayburn, the Dean of Admissions was pretty neutral in her response to them. "Just break it off with them already. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. At this point, you're just leading them on." However, even with Rutgers' advice, the college still seems reluctant to follow through with the break-up. The college said, "We think we're just going to ignore the problem until they go away in four years. "
POPE FRANCIS This Easter, Pope Francis reflected on his past three years in power. He told the public, "Things have improved, but there's still much to do." Experts say that his prospects for re-election are favorable in 2016.
WATER
...continued from front
my Yankee hat ain’t blue? It’s clearly WA-ter.” Jessica Stevenson disagreed with Mernetti. “It’s obviously ‘wood-er,’” she said. “This right here in my hand is a ‘wood-er’ ice." The report also found that it is a pork roll, not a Taylor Ham; the Flyers suck and Central Jersey does, in fact, exist.
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue of the Medium is dedicated to the 148 students that were murdered at Garissa University in Kenya. Education is sacred and this tragedy is absolutely horrible. May the victims rest in peace may their families and friends find closure during these hard times.
Wednesday, April 8th, 2015 themedium.features@gmail.com
HENRYS OF RU
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“HEN-HEN A GO-GO”
HENRY THE CONSTUCTION WORKER
ROBIN HOOD HENRY
Henry tried his hand at construction. Look what happened. He knows better for next time.
Henry is stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. He is the hero Rutgers needs.
EXCHANGE STUDENT VISITING D.C. HENRY
TAILGATE HENRY
Henry parties hard. Henry gets the girls. Henry is always center of attention—and that’s just how he likes it.
CAR SALESMAN HENRY
“I very much like America. I have great time with giant stone penis”. Oh, Henry...we’re glad you had such a good time. Welcome to America, buddy.
MEETINGS 9 PM @ BCC ROOM 116A
He’ll give you the best deal around. Come on down and watch Henry work his magic.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 8th, 2015
“Spring, the time of short shorts and boobs :)”
ETHICAL DILEMMAS
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IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE
What’s Wrong With Wanting to Gay Rampage BY SHANE CROMICK Fuck a Freshman? Straight lives matter! Ever since
BY MICHAEL PARRE So, here’s the thing: You must think I’m a depraved, manipulative human being for fantasizing about sex with a student. But this is my side: what’s wrong with wanting to fuck my hot freshman student? I mean, aside from the stupid Title IX legal restrictions placed by Rutgers that could send me to prison if I break them. She’s taken four of my classes so far, and has sat in the same seat in the front row each time. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten the “I’m sucking your dick in my mind” look from her? Many. Many fucking times. And to those of you who are thinking “He’s such a predator, he’s abusing his power by coercing his impressionable young student,” Fuck.You. I’m a 27 year-old male professor, how dare I try to take advantage of some poor freshman? Yes, she is a freshman. A fucking 35 year old freshman. How do you take advantage of a 35 year old? If anything, I want her to be taking advantage of me. Let her be the professor in this case. Look, I don’t know why a 35 year old woman decided to come back to college to study English literature, but far be it from me to judge. Maybe she’s a divorcee and has decided to “find herself.” You know what, fuck it. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. We DID fuck. And it was good. I have no regrets. Although I did briefly question myself when, in the middle of me fucking her into oblivion, she said to me, “Katy Perry just really has inspired me to be my own woman. To rise above the patriarchy. Just like that woman in ‘Gone Girl’ did.” Speaking of, the main dude from ‘Gone Girl’ fucked his student too. And everything worked out just fine for him, didn’t it?
REAL ADVICE ABOUT FAKE THINGS
The Importance of Varying Your Sources of Fake News
BY DYLAN DECKER So you’re probably a smartass aren’t you? Always posting these ridiculous humorous, satirical, laugh-your-ass-off articles on to Facebook and Twitter to catch one of your less bright peers off guard and make them believe something outrageous like nerds holding house parties. But here’s a tip from me, a self-proclaimed master of fake news: vary your sources. Seriously, eventually those monkeys will realize that you’re always posting content from, say, The Onion, Clickhole, or The Medium, and even though it’s all great stuff, they’ll realize it’s fake. And then the magic is lost, because they won’t go around believing that scientists found the chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide in their water and start freaking out. There are a ton of non-stop humor and satirical news sources out there and you all should start looking into them, such as the Private Eye or Indecision Forever. And heck, once in a while put a real article in, you know to establish some credibility. This way you can truly dupe your friends and be forever the master of comedy in your social network of four-hundred friends.
please tell me if you guys hate or enjoy this paper by emailing me at themedium.opinions@gmail.com also come out to bcc 116a 8:00 pm for exciting things ;)
the formation of LGBT movement, several extremist gangs have risen from these communities. Hetero-phobic hate crimes have been rampant in the Rutgers area, degrading the freedom of students simply because of their attraction to the opposite sex! As a straight man, I feel as if I am walking around with a giant target on my back, waiting to be attacked by these gay gangsters. I have no choice but to live my life as a closet heterosexual. Whenever I go out with my buddies to locations such as a gay bar or Hollister, I have to be fully conscious of my words and actions. Even Twitter has been trending with a new hastag, entitled #StraitorsGetOut. This new terminology combines the words “straight” and “traitor” to create a powerful statement against the non-gays. I have been taunted with the new discriminatory lingo, I have been publicly humiliated, and I have even been tripped and pushed to the ground. Just last week, straight men and women alike have stepped up and protested against this prejudicial hate. About 200 people walked the streets of New Brunswick demanding equal rights and treatment. The gay gangs were seen posting up on street corners and driving around the surrounding area. Halfway into the peaceful protest, a man and a woman were reported to be kissing each other, when an unknown suspect shot them. They were both rushed to the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, where they were pronounced dead upon arrival. The shooting resulted in mass rioting and looting. Almost everyone died! Further investigation indicated that the man and woman were actually bi-sexual, resulting in the dropping of charges and hopefully even a possible peace treaty between the Homo and Hetero’s.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What’s your Favorite Bill Nye Episode? “Either 'Backdoor Sluts 9' or 'Paleontologist Finds a Big Bone'.” Courtney Marsh SAS Junior
“'The Biggest Bang in the Universe'” Abigail Spentz SEBS Sophomore "Obviously it’s 'Asian Cutie Pi Takes the PhD'” Andrew Renny RBS Senior
Wednesday, April 8th, 2015
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ARTS
“Working on this paper is my designated 'me time.'”
“DARTH VAPOR DEFEATS SMOKEY-WAN KENOBI”
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“NO RUGRETS”~@ALWAYSGRIPLESS
AD: SAMOANS COOKIES “BEST BUDS”
AD: MIDDLESEX OPTICAL CLINIC AD: RUSH-NOW TAKING BIDS
the Medium ROOMMATE PROBZ I hate when I have to wait for my roommate to finally open a box of food before I steal some without him noticing. (Omg, I know, right? People can be so rude sometimes.) My dear roommate, I was never a racist until I lived with you. Thank you so much for allowing me to experience a new kind of hate. (Peer pressure racism, huh? I’m disappointed in you. You’re supposed to be above the influence.)
It makes me feel like shit when my roommates go to all of their classes. Then again I can’t jerk off in class...
PERSONALS
Wednesday, April 8th, 2015
“I find myself screaming inside my head way too often.”
Rutgers Review Book Sale: Right next to the free Kindle giveaway this Friday on Livingston!!! EVERYTHING IS ANNOYING I hate Crossfit and I think that everyone who likes it is a douchebag. I hope that history will prove that Crossfit is a fad akin to being a LMFAO fan.
(I only really liked LMFAO (Idk, I think you should try because the dude with the it. Sit in the back and sneak afro looks like Justin Timit. Learning AND pleasure, berlake.) you could have it all.) Computational Fluid Dynamics is bullshit.
SCHOOL PRIDE Why the hell do all these international students brush their teeth while shitting? (Why are you noticing people’s shitting habits? Pervert.)
Shoutout to the guy in lecture who always has a smelly lunch. We all appreciate smelling that shit during class. Thanks man! (Eating keeps us alive. Learning useless info doesn’t. Just leave and go eat your own smelly food somewhere else.) My professor looks like John Travolta, and every class I’m excited/fearful that he’ll break out singing “Greased Lightning”. (I’d be more fearful that he’d call you some crazy name and proceed to touch your face.)
To the ppl cuddling at Antilles Field in the darkFYI (Yes. Whatever you just I was expecting 2 see Did you know pigs have said.) some fckng! Stop hugcorkscrew dicks?! Ya, I ging & take ur pants off. saw one have sex with a I hate this trend of tight sweatpants on guys. If I (No you.) fence today. want to see your dick, I’ll You know you’re taking (Oh yeah? Were you watch- let you know. the right class when your ing some drunk Rutgers juclass is full of Asians. (Are you a heterosexual nior?) girl? Then I don’t underForget Big Banking and stand you. It’s the sexual (Asians are in the right Big Agriculture! Big Boo- organ of a member of the sex place if there’s 1 white guy.) ty is what really has a that you supposedly want Rutgers is a place where hold on our country! to have sex with. Appreciate professors are lazy and students are lazy and the thing you prude.) (Kim Kardashian thanks professors are mad at you for your obsession.) Go away. students for being lazy. (FYI, we’re still here at 1:30 (..................................ok am. What the hell.) bye.)
(If you formed a fake religion I’d totally follow you.)
THING OF THE WEEK THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT
themedium.personals@gmail.com
HI.
Happy Easter Wednesday! That’s a thing, right? Before you come down off your sugar high from all the crap you consumed this weekend, make sure to send in funny stories about how your family members yelled at each other around the dinner table. And if you don’t celebrate Easter...make it up, biotch.
Send your personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
A RANT FROM AN ANGRY PERSON REXB and REXL, see what the fuck you guys did. I written complains every semester that I am here in Rutgers in the surveys and to the transportation department themselves, but you guys don’t fucking listen. I told you guys many times, please do not stop at Red Oak Lane for 5 minutes or more. My class is near Lipman and the stop is like a minute away and takes me 3 minutes to walk there. Now you have to fucking take 5 stupid minutes to wait there and by the time i walked to Lipman, the buses start and reach Lipman at the same time. I mean, what the fuck, I am always late for class because of bus drivers screwing around with their cell phones in Lipman for 5 stupid minutes. Stop at ARC, makes more sense. I know Lipman is a great place to stop because of low traffic but come on... Just get to stupid Lipman fast... Or just stop at Lipman and play with your phone there. Don’t even get me started on that stupid one door white bus. Everytime I wait for humans to get down the bus in order to hop on that bus, it’s like a never ending line of annoyingly slow moving humans coming down the bus, takes like 1 and a half minutes to get up that goddamn bus. Happy now? School system got hacked and slowed down the whole academic process because the buses suck. I already told them and they don’t listen. My campus fees, I need a partial refund for dealing with this bullshit. But if no refunds, at least change my Biochemistry grade to an A or give me back Dr K in Molecular Genetics Lab, I don’t like juggling 3 separate lab experiments, writing 3 page lab reports and ridiculous pre-lab quizzes. That’s all I’m asking for. Moral of the day. Don’t suck if we pay good money for campus fees, unless you’re a fully paid scholar, then you’ll probably feel less depressed.
The whole point of Easter: the famous guy that lived in this little cave once for 3 days
(I’ve got to admit, I stopped reading this midway through the second paragraph. Sorry, but you’re just way too angry and/or have trouble being concise with your feelings. Didn’t you learn anything in English class? Anyway, next time you’re feeling frustrated with the bus system, I say you just take over the bus and start driving away. You’ll become a Rutgers legend, not only by word of mouth, but probably on Yik Yak too. And that, my friend, is what college is all about.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, April 8th, 2015
“Gatorade me, bitch.”
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GEEK WEEK WAS LIKE, WEEKS AGO
USA USA USA USA USA USA ...All American Cheese
the Medium
continued from Sports
want to play with someone with CFMS,” said Nets General Manager Billy King. “I mean look; he’s leaving marks everywhere. He’s leaving makeup on everyone he runs into. And when he falls he leaves streaks all over the court. They have to stop the game for like 10 minutes to clean it up.” After the game, Ronald McDonald Sr. addressed the issue, calling for change: “It’s time we start being treated like equals. No more being relegated to menial jobs as mascots, mimes or circus freaks. And no more being looked down upon. We are people, too!” said an emphatic McDonald Sr. McDonald Jr. is sure to turn heads in college. Regardless of his condition, he is set to leave a mark on the game and on the court in Lexington Kentucky. Wait; on second thought, it’s really not regardless of his condition.
...Revenge of the Neeeeeeerds
continued from News
-lege Ave with his lab partners from The new generation of party-throwers freshman biology and is excited for could create positive change for the city. New Brunswick is often referred to as a the opportunity. one street town, but expansion to more “We have made a guest list,” said dilapidated streets of New Brunswick Buckley holding up a clipboard with could encourage new development. wrinkled looseleaf paper, “and we went to the liquor store. I got a case of “This could really be a game changer wine my mom; she let me peruse her for different areas of campus,” said civil liquor cabinet. I hope that’s enough.” engineering professor Jamie Portly. “Because the… well… less cool students live Another nerd, SEBS sophomore Re- further into the city, new apartment comese Grady, lives in an apartment on plexes will open, and lots of single apartEaston Ave with two foreign exchange ment renters will drive out locals.” students from Thailand. His crowning achievement is an innovative way for Buckley is set to host his party at promptly 8:30PM on Saturday. crowd control. “We’ve created a new ratio system,” said Grady, “The amount of girls has to be inversely proportional to the lengths of skirts and the number of guys has to be about the limit of sin(30x)/x.”
“If I need more alcohol, maybe I could call my aunt,” said Buckley, “She has a tattoo! but I doubt we will, I saw a kid drinking at a school dance in high school an----” He was cut off due to the fact that he tripped over his shoelace. were mixed on the results of the study.
SMALL GRAY BOX THIS WEEK, BITCHES, SO I’M JUST HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I’M IN LOVE WITH THE COCO- I MEAN I’VE GOT BAKING SODA. YEAH.. MMMM BAKING SODA. Whoa-k. Uhh, hey have you played Mon10 STEPS TO IMPROVE STUDYING FOR MIDTERMS ster Hunter? It’s like.. a game about hunting monsters. And then you take the parts of the monster, make sweet looking 1) Cry into your pillow as you accept your inevitable failure armor, and then hunt even BIGGER mon2) Contemplate throwing away your education to join the circus. sters. Yeah. It’s kinda fuckin’ awesome. Aaaaaanyway, meet us at the BCC in room 116 A tonight if you wanna talk to our editors about the paper and pitch ideas and whatnot.
3) Ditch the idea when you remember you were molested by a clown as a child, and thus have a deep seated hatered of the circus life. 4) Search the internet for viability of becoming a farmer in Idaho.
MOVIE REVIEW
Furious 7
As Told to Me By Randomly Asking People In The Room Around Me
So Furious 7 is like, you know, a movie. Its about cars, I think? Yeah, and Vin Diesel is in it, and hot women, and I heard Iggy Azalea was in it for like 2 whole minutes, which sounds super sick. Also there were cars! Yeah, like a shit ton of cars. And driving, but... not so much fast driving? Weird. Anyway, from what I understand, there were SIX OTHER MOVIES BEFORE THIS ONE. Like holy shit, guys, who makes seven movies? I thought the seven in the title was a joke or something, like 7 was relevant to the plot or something, you know, like it’s about the number 7, who was fed up with his life and starts going out on a rampage, murdering and brutishly canabalizing his best friend 9. But like, it’s a car movie, but not like Cars, where it’s about living cars, but like, about people who drive cars and take no shits. There was also a sad memorium to Paul Walker from what I heard. Shame what happened to the guy, so
5) Give up and start looking at weird German dungeon porn. 6) Weirder. 7) Weirder.
you know, it was a nice, supris8) Too Weird. Become filled with shame. ingly tender moment in a movie about driving cars fast-ish and 9) Remember you are a Philosophy Major with a minor in beating people up. American History and this all doesn’t really matter in the end. Overall, from what I heard, I’d totally give this movie about a: 10) Cry into a pillow as you accept your inevitable failure.
7.5/10
THIS SPACE LEFT INTENTIONALLY CAT
For from what I understood, sick car chases, wicked violence, Vin Diesel, and Iggy Azalea’s ass. I would definitely recommend it based off what I heard.
957
Collective Hours spent by the Medium Staff Masturbating over the past week
NUMBERS
44
Days since we last had an “incident.” You know the kind.
THE NSA
Has Your Dick Pics
april 8th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE
DUKE FANS PREPARE FOR YANKEES, COWBOYS, NOTRE DAME SEASONS BY JUST THE TIP
INDIANAPOLIS- After watching their beloved Blue Devils win an NCAA national basketball championship Monday night, elated Duke fans in all fifty states turned their attention to their other favorite teams: the Yankees, Dallas Cowboys and Notre Dame Fighting Irish football. Aaron McDonald, a life-long San Diego resident and Duke fan since high school, traveled to Indianapolis to see the cham-
pionship game. “I’m speechless right now,” McDonald said after the university’s 68-63 victory over Wisconsin. “It’s a damn shame my Yanks lost today but I think they’re going to turn it around and I’ll be celebrating another championship in October. Then the ‘Boys are finally winning me one a Lombardi Trophy next year.” McDonald explained he has not been to Duke's Durham, N.C. campus but a visit to the
school is on his bucket list. “I’m gonna fly to Notre Dame to see Touchdown Jesus and my Golden Domers then drive right over to Duke,” he said. “I think they’re both pretty close together somewhere in the Northeast." Fans of the four geographically distant teams were excited to witness a championship after six long years. The Blue Devils last won in 2010, with the Yankees hoisting a World Series trophy the year before.
“I cried when the Irish lost in the national championship two years ago,” said 89-year-old fan Sandy Donaldson of Sarasota, Fla. “It’s tough being a fan of these four teams with all the heartbreak year after year. They’ve only won twenty championships since I became a fan in 1971!” Rapper Drake was also spotted trying to get onto the court after Duke's win, dressed head-to-toe in Blue Devils' gear.
SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEF
Wrestlers stuck in food comas Gymnasts defect to coal mines Four members of the Rutgers wrestling team were rushed to Robert Wood Johnson Hospital on Saturday after falling into severe food comas. Without having to worry about weigh-ins until next sea-
son, the wrestlers spent four hours at Old Country Buffet in Edison. "I can't say I didn't see this coming," said head coach Scott Goodale. "I just wish I would have gotten an invite to join."
Three Rutgers gymnasts who qualified for NCAA Regionals in Morgantown, W. Va. have been missing since Sunday. It is feared that they have decided to work in West Virginia's coal mines in order to pay off their
student loans. While the average salary for a miner is meager by modern standards, it is much higher than what the NCAA pays their student-athletes. Technically, everything is higher than zero.
THIS COULD'VE BEEN TRUE; I DIDN'T WATCH 11 colleges Piscataway native and Kentucky Star Karl Ronald McDonald Jr. named MVP of high school basketball Anthony-Towns had ahead showcase of Rutgers University
1. New Jersey Institute of Technicalities 2. Eastern South Dakota University 3. University of San Diego of Alaska 4. Western North Dakota College 5. University of Such Little Fun that Maybe You Should Actually Stay Local and Go to the College in Your Damn Hometown
6. Bard's College of Solitude 7. Robert Barchi's College of Clock-Making 8. Rutgers University-Newark 9. Bob Jones University (real place, look it up) 10.Pencil Dick State 11.The Medium School of Fucking Up Formatting
BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF
CHICAGO— Last Wednesday marked the annual McDonald’s All-American basketball game. The East defeated the West 11191 Ronald McDonald Jr. earned the MVP award in this year’s game featuring young men preparing to expand their academic horizons with one quick year of easy classes before bolting to the NBA. McDonald Jr. is the son of the famous McDonald’s restaurant mascot and attends Oak Hill Academy, the top high school basketball team in the state of Virginia. McDonald Jr. amazed scouts, leading all scorers with 29 points while adding 11 rebounds, six assists, three steals
earning $0 an issue SINCE my boss is a dick
and four blocks all in 27 minutes of action. “This is an amazing honor,” said the MVP, “but now I would like to bring some awareness to a major issue affecting tens of people nationwide: congenital face-makeupitis syndrome (CFMS). My father was lucky enough to find employment as a mascot, but others aren’t as lucky.” McDonald Jr. has already committed to the University of Kentucky, and would be the first college basketball player with CFMS. Some NBA scouts attended the game, and a few expressed concerns over his condition: “I’m not sure who will Continued on Page A7