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Volume XLVII Issue VII QUICKIES
April 9th, 2014
50¢
RUTGERS RES LIFE TO OFFER ONLINE-ONLY HOUSING BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
Double UU Bus Route Confused with W Bus Route Rutgers Offers Scholarships for Amish Pursuing Electrical Engineering New Brunswick Dealers to Accept Meal Swipes for Drugs Medium Runs Out of Space for this
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— In response to a campus-wide shortage of housing for undergraduate students, Rutgers University will begin rolling out online-only housing for the 2014-2015 academic year. With on-campus opportunities for students running thin, the online option is designed to give undergraduates the residence hall experience using only a computer and internet connection. “Dorm.exe” began development early last year, hopes to provide users with a realistic campus housing experience, down to even the smallest details. Using emerging virtual reality technologies and horny, socially insecure avatars, students will be able to interact with one another and their college envi-
"HOW DO I ENABLE COOKIES" Students enjoy their online dorm rooms from a college computer lab.
ronment, just like any other oncampus student would. “I’m excited to move in, so to speak,” said incoming first year Lyle McDoogle. “We got to move our virtual stuff into
our virtual rooms early, and my roommate already caught me virtually masturbating on his virtual side of the room,” he continued. “This must be how Dad Continued on Page 2
WHY DOES FOX NEWS NOT HAVE FOXES?
Conservative Media Portrays Bill Cosby Like Every Other Black Man BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR
PHILADELPHIA, PA— Bill Cosby has gone from media darling to vilified felon in the wake of new sexual assault allegations. Five women have come forward accusing Cosby of sexual assault. Members of all major cable news stations agree that the transition was swift, but necessary. “It was about time,” said Chris Matthews of MSNBC. “Yeah, I even like the black people, I’m from Philly, but I have to side with Bill O'Reilly and those racist fucks on Fox. He’s been too good for too many years.” Cosby, who has been a model “negro” in the media and has years of photo and video supporting the “black people are accessible” cause. He has been the ideal spokesperson because he
The white propaganda relations company responsible for the great success of the “Cosby Program” is Americans for Prosperity funded by none other than the Koch Brothers. Spokesperson Janet Weathers explains the philosophy behind it. “We were able to use traditional vernacular like ‘boy’ to subconsciously repress and shame the Ni- …Oops! I mean African Americans.” This was a very successful project for the company along with “Project King.” “Project "WELL THE HALUBINGDODA " OJ” and “Project Vick” were The media has made it their longstanding mission to change the posi- both awful failures. tive image of Bill Cosby's sweater. “We had to make Rodney was able to say what the white was a popular phrase used by King to fix what happened in people had been thinking for Cosby to address the inner city the 80s,” said Weathers. “But years and help make the white ghettos. “Use a condom, stop 1994 was a bad year for us bebred term “systemic racism” getting girls pregnant with chil- cause OJ, Cosby kept us afloat.” popular. dren you can’t afford, boy” was The project that started in “Pull up your pants, boy” another popular saying. Continued on Page 2
No One Likes Kickball SInce 1970
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NEWS
"Look! I'm wearing a white belt. What gaul, what gumption!"
Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
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BLAZE IT!
WHAT A RICHARD
Local Resident Sues Own Vents on Busch, Livingston Campus Switch to e-Cigs Penis for Sabotage BY ANIME HAIR PERSONALS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ— A local man is taking legal action against his penis, which he claims has sought to ruin his life. Gale Pratchett, 22, says that he was minding his own business with his friends when an extremely attractive woman strolled by. “I was admiring her, you know,” said Pratchett, “when suddenly, my penis was like, 'Dude! You should totally jump off that roof right now! That babe would so be impressed by that.’” After some cajoling from his genitals, his friends joined in agreement. By that point, Pratchet felt that he couldn’t refuse. Medical records indicate that he broke both his tailbone and femur during the fall. “I just felt so betrayed,” said Pratchett, who now wears a cast and must rest on a butt donut at all times. “How could my own
penis do that to me? I thought we were bros.” He noted that this was not the first time his penis had knowingly caused trouble for him, and is often the first one to suggest he do stupid and obviously harmful things— and he’s beginning to suspect it’s no accident. Which is why, two days ago, he served his penis an order to come to court, suing it for sabotage as well as physical and emotional suffering. The penis showed up to court in a black, firmly pressed suit and drooped the entire time out of sadness. “I would never have believed that Gale would have taken it so far after how long we’ve known each other,” said Pratchett’s penis when interviewed. “Obviously we were all just horsing around. Hes taken this way too far. As far as I’m concerned, he can go suck me.” The penis means to counter-sue for genital discrimination.
"THAT IS THE LAST TIME I THINK WITH MY PRICK" Pratchet's penis peered pensively with people peeping 'pon his protruding proboscus. Perhaps Playboy publishes periodicals of pornagraphic possibliites.
ONLINE
...continued from front
felt as 'the dorm weirdo' back in ’76. It’s great!” With personal computing improving every day, Rutgers officials are embracing new technology that will allow students to pump their body odors and other various smells into their computers, which are then projected out from the computers of
Editorial Staff Spring 2014
every other student connected to the virtual dormitory. The new smell technology will also be compatible with marijuana vapors and moldy food. Some early experimenters of Dorm. exe are already hailing it as a superior situation to living in the Quads or Towers on Livingston Campus. Although early in the process, the excitement over this “expansion” of Rutgers is palpable among the U. community.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Fratypus
BY TRAPEZIUS MILKINGTON COPY EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ— In keeping with the trends, the vents on Busch and Livingston have taken up smoking vaporizers. Known distastefully by students for their noxious fumes, the vents are trying to turn a new leaf for their own health and reputation. These electronic cigarettes take some time to adjust to, though; in the coming weeks, more smoke than usual will assault students' faces. But by May, the vents are hoping to gradually puff thinner clouds, overall. "Yo, I love these e-Cigs. I can smoke anywhere now-even indoors. That would be the dream… if I weren't a fixture." Forcefully blowing a boiler-ful of smoke into the faces of passersby, the vents continued, "Really, it's healthier for everyone and I'm glad to be a role model for everyone who wants to quit. I'm a hero for vaping." Others don't share his per-
COSBY
...continued from front
1984 had to be scrapped when the approximation to sexual assault was raised by the online aggregate Gawker. That shows the sharp divide between New and Old Media. “It’s really a shame, we had a couple of good years left of him,” said Fox News host Megyn Kelly. “It’s fine though, I’ll get a couple good weeks of coverage with it.” News Editors Michael Vincent Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Sasha Romayev Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editor Sara Markowitz Page A7 Editor Lesly Kurian
spective. Amber Dirchman, a resident of Morrow Suite, has to pass one vent on her way to class and another on her way to the Busch Dining Hall. "I'm really fucking tired of chewing the air every time I go outside. It's saturated with smoke. Wouldn't it just have been better from the start if the vents just didn't smoke there?" Timmy Wasseaux, a Demarest resident, supports the vents fully. "I began smoking back in tenth grade. If vaping gets rid of that fishy smell behind the College Ave gym, I wholly support it. I've been weaning myself off butts for some time. Last year, my big introduced me to hookah and I've been puffing shisha every Friday night since. Now, I can totally see myself carrying around one of those e-Cigs." Obviously, the student body has varied opinions over this increasingly popular technology. Feel free to write in with your stance at themedium.personals@gmail.com.
MEETINGS. WEDNESDAY. BCC 120B. 8:00 PM. LOUD NOISES Sports Editor Justin Lesko Copy Editors Henry Chen Jon Holzsager Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Sore Feet
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Change Maker Challenge for catering the Medium Production Day last Monday. Whether you were willing to or not, you did us a great service.
Wednesday, April 9th, 2014 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
“What did you expect?? You Googled ‘Penis’.”
BREAKING NEWS
HAPPY HOUR REVEALS HE IS NOT HAPPY
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CAPTION CONTEST Previous Photo:
BY: THE HEN HEN MAN OUR WEATHERY PAL
Hour, the iconic but enigmatic god who only exists on the infamous Easton Avenue, just confirmed to reporters that He is, in fact, not happy. “I am not particularly happy,” said Hour, whom everyone commonly refers to as “Happy Hour” due to the universal acknowledgement of His capability to bestow the elusive sensation of happiness upon hordes of alcoholic scholars seeking pleasure and reprieve during the weekends. Citing students’ sinful conducts and the inability to appreciate liquor as the source of His wrath, Hour, the god of arousal and the almighty divinity who holds absolute accountability for the merriment of those who are over 21, an age when one is finally considered human, said in an exclusive interview that He is irked from seeing people desecrating the ground of His sacred Easton Avenue with projectile vomit and feels “strongly disrespected.” “Think about the lowly peasants in Africa who don’t have alcohol to consume! These collegiate, ignorant hedonists take everything for granted and don’t know how to show gratitude,” Hour began, delicately sipping a goblet of wine. “They think it’s funny to stroll about and treat my holy Easton Avenue sacrilegiously. And yet, they have the audacity to come back and mark their territory by jetting out filthy brown champagne from their mouths after the weekly turmoil they cause.” Hour’s guttural voice trembled as He continued, adding that public urination further enraged the Lord of Alcohol and prompted Him to hold grudges for thousands of bottles of beer—the alcoholic beverage which Hour uses to measure time, by the duration it takes for one to consume a full bottle of beer. Calling the students both “disgraceful and ignoble”, Hour went on to concede that He is unhappy with current circumstances and has divulged that after summoning a meeting with Fratypus, the Mascot of College Avenue, both have reached an agreement to stop this lawlessness by ceasing to proffer blitheness to the students of Rutgers University. “Providing joy and inebriety is no longer in my policy,” Hour said, after finishing the final sip of wine. “I am deeply saddened to see alcohol has led to such inexplicable anarchy. Happy Hour is no longer happy.”
Think this page sucks? Improve the quality by sumitting your shit to themedium.features@gmail. com! Reader, you’re our last hope. FUCK YEAH SUBMISSIONS!
CAPTAIN COMMONS BY: MICHAEL P
Two years after stepping down as president of Rutgers University, Richard R. McCormick continues to provide an invaluable service to diners at Brower Commons. For years, “Captain Commons” has answered student concerns and fielded menu suggestions, traditionally scrawled on napkins and posted near the dining hall’s exits. “Dining is an integral part of the Rutgers student experience. Students are quick to point out when a recipe doesn’t quite work or when we’re running out of olives. When I look back at my many roles at Rutgers, ‘Captain Commons’ will always have a special place in my heart.” Just as during his presidency, McCormick continues to devote each Tuesday exclusively to the famous napkin board. Students who did not know the former president doubles as “Captain Commons” report having not being this shocked since it was revealed that former Newark Mayor Corey Booker served as “Corporal Tillett” until the dining hall was closed in 2012.
If you recognize this photo from one of the previous Medium issues, count me impressed. The winning caption for the above photo was:
“This is why it’s weird to ride segways around campus. Get a skateboard.” I don’t know what you mean. Personally, I only go for guys on segways. Easier to chase down.
This week’s photo:
Here’s the deal. You send me a caption for this week’s photo, and if I think that it’s the best out of all the captions I receive, I publish it in the next Medium issue. What do you get out of this? Increased popularity, sex appeal, and 3.5 extra IQ points. Think about it.
Also, come to our meetings. It’s a great way to make new friends. Or enemies. Whatever you’re into. Wednesdays 8PM, Room 120B BCC SPECIAL GUEST
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
“Time to Schedule! But will I get my classes?”
SEX WITH FOOD COMMENTARY
Now I Understand Why Mothers Kill Their Children BY JENNIFER ANDREWS
Sitting on the toilet, I pondered the state of my life at this moment in time and thought, “What if I was a single mother? What would I do?” The longer I thought about it, the more I began to realize how impossible it would be to raise a child as a young woman in college, such as myself. I think about the stress of juggling school and work and child rearing. If I have to leave for work where would I leave the kid? I would ask friends of mine to watch the kid... if I had any. And how would I financially support my child? I work a part time job at a sushi joint and make $8.25 an hour. That’s barely enough to pay off my porn subscription. There
is no way I could afford school, food, and a child! The only remaining option at the forefront of my mind, I hate to say it, is death. I must kill my child. How could I continue taking care of this child? I couldn’t! No one will notice if I just quietly bury him or her, maybe toss it into Passion Puddle? Yes, that’s a better option. Nobody will notice. I just can’t take this anymore. I’m at my wit’s end here! Thinking about everything just makes me even more depressed to the point where I’m now sitting on my toilet and crying over a nonexistent child. Maybe this is what Casey Anthony felt like before she murdered
her daughter in cold blood. I mean, we ALL can relate to feeling completely helpless about a situation to the point where a drastic solution is necessary, right? Right??!?! Some may ask, where are the fathers in these situations. The answer is: THERE ARE NO FATHERS. Children born to single mothers have been conceived by midi-chlorians, leaving the mother the burden of birth. Duh. Also, polar bear and gorilla mothers kill their children too, but for different reasons. If a baby is unfit, it must die. Whereas with humans, if the mother is unfit,
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
ADVICE
Ask the Guy Staring at You in the Library Dear Guy staring at me in the library, I have to say: I am really stressed this time of the semester. It seems like with each passing week, I either have two exams, an exam and a paper, two papers, plus countless readings I don’t do and little assignments that I can’t seem to motivate myself to do, not like I have the time to work on them anyway. I can’t even watch for countless unproductive hours on Netflix! You know what happens when I can’t watch my shows? I get pretty pissy. And it’s only going to get worse from here. What I need to do is relax, find something fun to do. Do you have any suggestions? Sincerly, I miss my Netflix and my high GPA Dear I miss my Netflix and high GPA,
I saw you here last week. You were studying or something, but I guessed you would be back this week. So I figured I’d come back, too. Ya know? Maybe you would see me and be like, “Oh there’s that cool guy again, maybe I’ll go talk to him.” That can happen right? So once and a while I’ll just sneak a peek over at you. Continue on Page A7 Oh shit! You just saw me looking at you. I mean... I guess that is what I wanted, but I was thinking about you talking to me so I was smiling when you saw me. POINT/COUNTERPOINT Oh fuck. I probably looked like such a creep. And I’m black so you probably think I’m gonna jump you like one of those classic crime alerts. Maybe I should just walk over to you and talk. Let me ask you, would you be okay with that? Damn it. You wouldn’t. You’d BY MARKO PHELPS probably think: “Why is this creepy guy talking to me? And why is he so black?” You just seemed like Well I have a couple of hours before class. What to do, what a cool dude when I saw you, so figured we could be to do? Well you know what, maybe I’ll do a little studying. friends. But why would you want to be friends with Haven’t had time to get ahead in any of my classes for a while, me, right? So anyway you should try watching a and I’m having a productive day so I should keep the ball movie— oh man you saw me looking at you again. rolling. But first, I should go take a shit. I don’t want to have to interrupt my Once I said movie, I thought we could watch one studying, so I have to pack up all my shit so no one steals it. Not my actual together, you know. Oh shit your putting your stuff shit, I mean my books and stuff. Anyway, once I take care of this, I can get some away! Why did I have to stare? And why do I have to serious studying done. And— well you know what, I can even take my time be so black? I guess I’ll see you outside your window shitting for once; don’t have to rush to class or anything. later. Oh what! God damn it! There’s someone in the last middle stall already. Always some fuck taking a shit in all the bathrooms at Rutgers at all times. Well, Love you forever, the handicap stall is open... I could use that. I know, I know it’s wrong to use it. That guy who wishes you didn’t see him staring That stall is not meant for me but rather for someone who is in a wheelchair or is just too abnormally large to fit into a regular stall. I should just use the first one. MINI UNIVERSITY VOICES Aghh! But I hate shitting next to someone else shitting. At least if I use the “big” stall I’ll be farther away from this fucker. But I can’t! I just can’t! It’s just wrong... Who are you voting for in the But you know... what are the chances that someone in a wheelchair has to shit at the same time I do, in the same building, and in the same bathroom? Those odds RUSA elections? are pretty small. Okay, I’ll go for it, I’ll just make it quick.
I’m Just Going to Use the Handicap Stall Real Quick
Excuse Me, but I’m in a Fucking Wheelchair BY HAROLD ANDERSON
Oh man, do I have a rough life! Do you know what it is like to have to wheel myself around campus? I have to deal with everyone staring at me, the constant pity, and having to deal with getting on buses. I see the way people look at me when that happens. They think: “Great, now I’m going to be late to my exam just because this guy in the wheelchair has to get on the bus. I hate him.” It’s just horrible. I wish I could use my legs. Then I could be like everyone else. I could go for a jog, play baseball or football, or just be able to take a shower standing up. Sometimes I wonder how long I am going to be able to last living like this. But, there is one thing that keeps me going strong, and that’s being able to use the handicap stalls in the bathrooms. Continue on Page A7
“I’ll vote for whoever has the best cock to suck.” Veronica Simons, Likes Penis, SAS Sophomore “Who the fuck cares? Get out of my house.” Ben Johnson, SAS Junior
Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
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ARTS
“Do you think the bouncer would take my birth certificate?”
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GREG, THE GRUMP PSYCHIC - MICHAEL INTERRANTE
REAL ADVERTISEMENT
ASSHOLE STEVE - PROFESSOR XXX
THAT’S NOT OK- GAY MIKE I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER
the Medium FRUIT OF EVIL
PERSONALS
NEIGHBORS
I took a bite out of an apple at the Livingston dining commons and it was rock hard. Why the fuck are they freezing their fruit?
To the girl who lives above me: stop fucking your boyfriend so loud. Every time I try to study for my orgo exam, without fail, you and your hobo look alike boyfriend (That’s not the only thing are grunting like howler that’s rock hard. ) monkeys. If I fail because of you I’m going to rip DANCE MARATHON both of your respective genitals off. That one fucking girl (You’re an idiot for wasting whose facebook status a perfectly good opportuwas constantly “OMG” nity.) and “I can’t even” durinfg DM needs to My neighbor is so fuckhave her computer tak- ing loud whenever she en away forever. has sex that the whole hallway can hear her. (How’s she going to send Bitch can’t even look anyme nudes, then?) one in the eye after ward. Dance Maraton was The worst part is that she such a disappointment. sounds like a congestService was terrible and ed horse whenever she I couldn’t even find the cums. kegs.
My entire feed blew up with pictures of how much money was raised for DM. We all get it, yay. I bet you douchenozzles can’t even tell what you raised money for. (It was for embracing children, right?Like buying lube to ease the transition or something?)
STUPID Whenever I say something mean to someone, I'm always like: #nofilter #saiditforthevine #funny #followme (I seriously read that like: #ragequit #Imdone #fuckthis #yousuck #fuckhashtags #haveisunksolow #needweed#nofilter2014)
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
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“There are extra titties so you can’t complain this week”
(So what’s the fucking problem then?)
BUTTHURTIN’ Hey, motherfucker on the bus, if I wanted to hear shitty songs emanate from shitty phone speakers, I'd go to Brower. Dude, you're so fucking alpha hitting on girls in the S Lounge, I wish I could be like you. Next time don't be so cringeworthy though. Hey asshole, did you really have to open your umbrella before fully exiting the bus? Everyone hated you and more importantly it wasn’t even fucking raining. (Maybe he was shielding himself from your bitchass-ness)
HIGH TIMES
You know how if the mother drinks a lot and gives birth, the baby comes out drunk? Has that ever happened but she takes like, a huge bong rip right before the fetus comes out? Are there high babies being (Seems like you need to born at all I think there CHILL and smoke a bowl, should be experiments to find out if it’s true. brah) To the guys down the hall from me- EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU SMOKE. Seriously, how do you figure spraying febreeze into the hallway all the time won’t look suspicious?
There’s this one girl that likes to “practice” her opera singing at two a.m. I don’t know who you are, but when I find you, I’m going to shove a dildo so far down your throat that you’ll never be able to speak, let alone belt out metzzio or whatever the fuck it is you’re doing. I’m sorry you’re daddy didn’t love you so you need so much attention now.
YURI OF THE WEEK: HINATA/SAKURA
My head doesn't even feel like a head right now. Sometimes it feels like a cinderblock sitting on my shoulders, and other times, it feels like there's a gastric lap band wrapped around my skull. What’s even up with phones anymore? Like is there really a point of talking to each other at all anymore? And there are too many buttons and numbers. What should always happen is you speak into the phone and it makes it into the text and that should be the phone call. Whoever stopped me from having milkshakes before should be personally shot. Getting a milkshake was the best idea ever if you havn’t had one yet you should have it.
WEEKLY REPORT Whaddup, biddies? I know you guys have missed me what with Spring Break and the The Daily Medium happening. I sincerely apologize for any masturbation-related chafing that may have occured what with y’all fanatasizing about me during the long wait. You’ll be happy to hear that the business manager has adequately sexually harassed me on behalf of youse. Today’s letter of the day is “S” as in “sorrow” and “suck my titties so fucking hard, I swear.” SUBMIT YOUR PERSONALS TO themedium.personals@gmail.com Tweet us @personalsru ADVICE
TRUCRIME?
Dear Personals Editor, how do I get a girlfriend? (Try having money. Lots.)
It is I, the Douglass butttoucher! Remember me? Well I’m back and ready to grope some more ass.
Dear Personals Editor, how can I get a job easier?
(And here, I always thought he was a member of our staff.)
(Be white.) Dear Personals Editor, Every time I ride the EE I find myself in the loneliest of states. Everybody seems to be having so much fun with their friends, but I don’t have any. I’ve tried to reach out to the bums and hobos; they don’t seem to want me. What can I do to get them to hang out with me? (Buy a shit ton of mozzerela sticks. That stuff’s like crack to homeless people)
CLASSLESS To the girl asking help for Financial Accounting, I was gonna help you but then I saw you had a boyfriend. Fuck that, dump him first before asking for help. My 80-year-old professor calls me "my friend." My life is complete. (An interesting thing to call someone who just gave a blowjob to him)
LOVE Babe, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to me. When I was younger I never would have dreamed that I would find someone like you. To think that I’d find someone who not only was into pissing in their lover’s mouth to get off, but also into tying people up and covering them with mayo was more than I’d ever dreamed of. Here’s to all the years we’ve had and all the ones we’ll have in the future. (The Medium would like to personally sponser this relationship)
SHORTSTOP Anyone else see that midget running toward the bus stop? Am I a bad person for laughing at that terrified waddling? (Of course you’re a bad person. For your crime you’re going to midget hell, burned by tiny flames.)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2014 themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
“My sister made insulin flavored pancakes. This is why I love her.”
the Medium CLASSIFIEDS FOR YOUR PALATE Come visit New York’s hottest club, Red Lion Cafe. This club has everything: dust bunnies, no cellphone service, lubed steak, and more! Enjoy the smooth vibe and sweet sounds of that annoying Muslim girl on the cellphone. This club even has human pacifiers for sale (It’s that thing when you stick a midget’s toes into a baby’s mouth to stop the midget from crying). Tonight’s special is “Closed
EATING 101- RU DINING HEALTHY?
for a private event”. Stop by soon!
HOW TO REVERSE CANCER BY EATING RIGHT! BY FOUR LOKI STAFF WRITER
Taste testers wanted for New Brunswick taste testing firm. Must have at least Yes! It’s possible to completely reverse that cancer you got from spending three hours in the tan- one (1) tongue and own transportation. Please email megustatech@gt.com. ning booth. Here, I’ll tell you how!
1. Eat trans fats. NEW YORK’S HOTTEST CLUB IS Trans fats are really just gender confused fats disguising themselves with tranny-looking lipids. They will literally scare your cancer away. Some foods that contain trans fats are: french fries, sticks HIRING! COME WORK FOR “OOOOH, of margarine, and canned chili, all of which you can find at any takeout location on campus! MUGGLE BABIES!” WE’VE GOT FLOO 2. Scarf down as much wasabi as possible. According to Native American folklore, eating anything that will literally burn your insides will POWDER, MISCOMMUNICATION, get rid of any medical maladies you have. And that surely involves cancer! We have plenty of MORE LUBED STEAK THAN THE RED wasabi at the sushi bar. Make your life a little spicy every so often will you? LION CAFE, DIAPERS COVERING 3. Cancer is like vampires. It just kills ya! Garlic has been shown to not only lower blood pressue, but to also ward off blood- T H E W A L L S , A N D Y E S , W E , sucking cancer cells as well. Literally just take a handful of garlic from the pasta station and shove it into your mouth. The staff won’t mind. TOO, HAVE HUMAN PACIFIERS! EMAIL STEFONLUVSSETH@ 4. If you’re allergic to nuts, eat nuts. After you eat nuts and break out in hives your immune system will be busy creating an allergic reaction instead of battling the cancer, so then cancer will feel neglected and cease to exist. Fucking B A K E D M U G G L E S . N E T . foolproof.
I NOW UNDERSTAND WHY SINGLE MOMS KILL THEIR KIDS ...continued from opinions the baby must die. We must spiritually connect with our mammalian counterparts and strive to understand that their struggles are the same as ours. If you don’t want these mothers to kill their children, then we MUST, as a collective society, wrap our caring arms around these poor women and babysit their children for free. Else, if you are unwilling to do that, do not blame them for their acts of atrocity, for our world is cold, uncaring, and void of government welfare.
EXCUSE ME, BUT I’M IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR
...continued from opinions
Here I am not below everyone else, but rather here I am king! Here the “peasants” have to use those small little stalls, having to knock their legs against the piss-covered toilets when they close the doors. But not me! Here I get to use the throne fit for a king, with plenty of room. Here I rule! Actually you know what I kinda have to take a shit now……...OH SON OF A FUCKING BITCH! Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Thinks he can take advantage of me? I’m gonna wait for this asshat right outside the stall, so he can feel the shame after he walks out!
APRIL 9th, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com A TRUE STAR (LEDGER)
RUTGERS REVEALS JULIE HERMANN IS A PERFOMANCE ART PIECE Hermann's dreamy blue eyes deceived us all
BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK— After a year on the job, senior Rutgers officials revealed that athletic director Julie Hermann does not in fact exist. The character of ‘Julie Hermann’ is portrayed by Megan Embikwe, a theater student in her final year at the Mason Gross School of the Arts. “This is an unprecedented experiment,” said George B. Stauffeur, dean of the Gross School. “Megan’s performance has been impeccable. When she gets into character, she really gets into character.” The project had spent years in development between the Gross School, the School of Sociology, and the Rutgers ath-
letic department. It was finally made possible in the fallout of the Mike Rice scandal. “When the Rice video came out, we knew we had our chance to take [former athletic director] Tim Pernetti out with him,” said Stauffeur. “We would have never had the background story we needed if we had just fired him out of nowhere. I mean, he got us into the Big Ten and helped build us a state-of-the-art football stadium.” Embikwe said she thought her act was going to be revealed numerous times. “When we came up with the idea that ‘Julie’ was previously accused of abusing her players right after we fired Mike Rice for the same thing, I
thought this was all going to go to waste,” she said as she took off her makeup, revealing her natural African American skin. “Even just with the idea that this character is a lesbian with a child, I thought that would rile Christian conservatives and we would have to go back to the drawing board.” After Embikwe, in character as Hermann, was recorded
saying it “would be great” if The Star-Ledger went out of business,—to a media ethics class no less—she felt it was the right time to reveal the hoax. “It’s amazing that no one realized that this was art and not a real person. Some of the things I did and said seemed ridiculous even to me. It was great playing Julie,” she said.
New dog fighting league opens in New Brunswick look forward to using the river to drown the underperforming dogs." NEW BRUNSWICK—A new The commissioner would dog fighting ring has sprung not name the benefactor who up in Hub City thanks to a local sponsored the sporting club, benefactor new to the area. but did say that he is a very high The ring will be based profile businessman with ties downtown in an empty lot of to Virginia and a legend in the Handy Street with a roster of dogfighting trade. over twenty pit bulls. "We look forward to work"I'm happy that we finally ing with Mr. Vi—the benefactor have a dedicated league so I can this year," he said. show my dogs off," said one of the participants, known only as T-Bone. "I've been training them since they were puppies to get into a small ring and rip one another to shreds for my own entertainment." The league's commissioner, Ron Mexico, spoke with a hood and sunglasses on at the league's opening press conference. "I'm happy to finally be back in the game," he said. "We have plenty of defenseless smaller dogs to train our dogs on. The location of the Raritan River relative to our practice facility is one of the reason's why we chose In unrelated news, this is the to come to New Brunswick. We BY PIT BULL SHIT CONTRIBUTING WRITER
face of the newest Jets QB.
NOW I KNOW WHY JULIE HERMANN WON'T KISS ME The actress spent 3 hours per day having makeup applied.
RU water polo team drowns BY KANYEST INFECTION CONTRIBUTING WRITER
PISCATAWAY—The Rutgers community is in mourning following the deaths of every member of the water polo team. In their inaugural intrasquad match, all fourteen members of the team drowned while they realized that they could not swim. "I just don't know what to say today," said head coach Phillip Dawson. "None of them told me they couldn't swim. To be honest, I can't either so I couldn't jump in to save them." Dawson admitted that his team did not have any practices in the pool prior to the match.
THE WORLDWIDE LEADER IN SPLEENS
"Why didn't I ask them if they could swim?" a noticeably distraught Dawson said. "I had to call fourteen kids' parents and explain to them that their sons spent their last moments at the bottom of the Sonny Werblin Center Pool." Sydney Martin, sister of one of the deceased, said she doesn't know why her brother would join the team when he could not swim. "My brother John was afraid of water for as long as I could remember. Why would he dive into an Olympic-sized swimming pool?" The team is now welcoming for replacement members.