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april 12th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue X 50¢ AMERICA IS FUCKING GREAT
CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF AMERICA IS DOING JUST FINE GRIND ALL AMERICA'S CORRESPONDANT
WASHINGTON–According to multiple sources America is on the brink of falling apart. News reports explaining a shooting at an elementary school, a video of a man being forcibly removed from a United flight for no reason, and an attack on the Syrian government which may or may not start WWIII have been running rampant through television networks as well as Twitter. This is all fake news. The true news is that America is doing just fine! Other news reports detail how fine America is by focusing on stories like the return of Prison Break and Kylie Jenner finally getting her own show.
DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!
The confusion of the American state can be seen throughout the nation. Tweets from Massachusetts to Hawaii have showed citizens expressing their fear and sadness in regards
to the state of the Union. This all however is unfounded. The reality of the Union is that everything is going great and no one should be worried at all! Continued on Page 2
OH DEAR GOD PRAY FOR HER
Girl Goes to Jewish Friend’s Passover Seder for The First Time and Had No Idea What She Was In For NIFTY KNITTER SECRETLY A JEW
PISCATAWAY—This past Monday sophomore Krissy Mansfield attended her Jewish friend Shoshana GoldmanSilverstein's Passover Seder on Monday night and boy did she not know what she was in for. "I expected it to be kind of like Easter, without the whole Jesus coming back to life part. I’m cultured, I know Jesus is Jewish. ", said Mansfield. Upon arriving at Shoshana’s house she witnessed the beginning of the festivities. The started the night with a glass of Manischewitz–which was a Godsend since for alcohol that
actually tastes good. Then the real pain started."They started reading from this little book for like a good two hours. I’m pretty
sure this holiday is sponsored by a literacy organization or something because there was SO MUCH READING," exclaimed
12-0
Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Shocking! Local Man Falls In Love With His 3rd Lesbian Breaking: Pope Finally Allows Children to Divorce Priests
Your Tube of Toothpaste Has At Least 4 Brushes In It Class Too Small To Go Without Acknowledge of Professor Frat Lemonade Oddly Not Spiked Enough Students Dread Bad Music and Too Many Clubs in Coming Spring on Brower Steps
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NEWS
"Where are all the Jews?"
TOTAL PLAUSIBLE
Trump Environmental Team Warns "The Air" Greatest Threat To World's Water Supply
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager SPRING 2017 Mascot
Editorial Staff
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein
Andrew Blustein Fratypus
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CHALLAH
PASSOVER
Mansfield. Things started to pick when they mentioned a burning bush and weren’t referring to a UTI, but it went downhill from there. After the burning bush the story moved to the Jewish slaves asking to be freed from the Pharoah, but because Jews can never make it easy, it kept on going. "Okay, I guess the Jewish slaves had a hard time, but I did too. I was sitting between a pervy grandpa and a pubescent 13-year-old boy still on an ego trip from his Bar Mitzvah. He thought he could 'have me'" she winced. The most unbearable part proved to be the point the family made the youngest kid, a 5-year-old, read four lines in Hebrew. Poor little Sarah Goldman couldn’t read yet, so it took about 30 minutes to sound out the first word. The whole experience reportedly made Mansfield glad that Christians only speak in one language. By the time the table got to the second cup of wine, Mansfield was ready to get wasted. Unfortunately the Goldman-Silverman family started eating raw horseradish and dipping some weeds in saltwater. Apparently this was
evaporation accounts for the loss of 425,000 cubic kilometers of water per year. That’s roughly WA S H I N G T O N — Tr u m p ’ s 1,400 cubic kilometers (or EPA Transition Team held a 1,400,000,000,000,000 liters) of long-awaited press conference water lost to The Air each day today to outline their plans and on Earth. The Transition Team concerns for the next four years. also emphasized the threat to The conference, however, came the average American consumer, with a grave message for the stating that the typical backyard masses. pool loses about a quarter-inch “We’re here today with a in depth of water each day to serious warning for the American evaporation. people. We believe that we have This is water that pool uncovered the greatest issue owners are directly paying facing our environment— the for, emphasized the Transition water crisis. Forget the Global Team Speaker. “Now how much Warming myth. Forget pollution is that? Like a whole bottle or from, uh, factories and garbage something? Me and my wife, and whatnot. Forget whatever we usually buy those big packs that Flint, Michigan thing was. from Costco— you know, it’s We have never seen a threat of like forty bottles for three bucks? this magnitude,” the Speaker of That means the average family the Transition Team delivered in is losing like, uh, maybe a dollar a most somber tone. each week… Well, you can to The threat in question? — do the math. But whatever the The Air. After pouring through case, that’s money gone with vast amounts of data, the the wind, pun intended,” he transition team has concluded said, which was followed with that while pollution and other a chuckle from the rest of the issues might compromise the Transition Team. cleanliness of the world’s water When the Q&A portion supply, they don't quite “steal it, arrived, a reporter for The like The Air does.” Medium inquired what was Every single day, going to be done about this water USA! USA! evaporation is taking place crisis, but the press conference AMERICA'S GREAT over the entire planet. In ended before a response could the world’s oceans alone, The new iPhone is coming out! be provided. In truth, how can a nation that is unveiling the new iPhone being in turmoil? It’s not possible. DO YOU THINK WE'RE FUNNY? Some more proof that THE ONION AND CLICKHOLE DIDN'T! America is seriously doing just COME TO OUR MEETINGS AND MAKE US BETTER! fine is that Mariah Carey, yes the Mimi, is coming out with a COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B ON new album this year! Sources in Washington have said that an WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 PM album from the pop diva could do wonders for the American AWKWARD TIME RIGHT? economy and right every wrong #THANKSSTUDENTCENTER ever done. More examples of America's MR. MIDWEST SUSPICIOUSLY NICE
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017
News Editors Aly Grindall James Mullen III Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
...continued from front
to remind them of the tears of the Jewish slaves. It got worse when Mansfield ate the whole dish of parsley and chugged the tears of all of the Jews because she was starving. "I was going to dinner!" said Mansfield. "I didn't think I needed to eat beforehand!" Finally, the matzah ball soup was brought out, a true staple in Jewish households. Luckily for all involved, Mrs. GoldmanSilverstein's balls were delicious. Then it was onto the third cup of wine. After which the table opened the front door for Elijah which is where Mansfield lost it. "No one was at the door, so I don’t know if it was actually a Jewish ritual, or everyone was just really drunk," she said. "This is so fucking weird". Overall, Mansfield learned that Passover is really just an extremely long night with a lot of sitting around on an empty stomach, listening to people mumble in Hebrew and complain in English. Mansfield ended by saying that the highlight of the night was Mrs. Goldman-Silverstein's soup was definitely the highlight, besides getting drunk and getting hit on by a pubescent teen who she realized would probably be her future congressman.
...continued from front
prosperity can be seen in the common supermarket. Reports have shown that the amount of strawberries available for purchase in 2017 has risen 200% from where it was in 2016. The ability to get almost a hundred pound of strawberries at any given time regardless of geographic location in the US is a true testament to how fine the country is. America is just fine just ask Kendall Jenner. Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Not Evan Hutchins Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Root canals
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the 2017 National Humor Conference! Thanks Princeton!
FEATURES
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017
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“I’m too Jewish to be here.”
JUDGE ME, I DARE YOU
Random Thoughts You Don’t Have (But Probably Should) BY LATIN MAMA 1. You may already be having these thoughts (who am I to judge)… 2. Is R. Kelly STILL trapped in that closet? And why has no one called Life Alert yet?? 3. What are the actual lyrics to “La Macarena”?? (**I’ve recently discovered that it is not in fact “One Bop-a Two Bop-a Three, Macarena” as I have suspected for years…) 4. If I roll a joint with my notes from class, does that count as studying? 5. What about if I use the textbook pages?? Still no??? 6. When will Bernie Sanders (a.k.a. God’s Sweet, Luscious Gift to this Earth) reply to all those erotic letters I sent him?? Postage to VT wasn’t cheap, ya know. 7. What are Gushers made out of? (JK, I don’t wanna know…) 8. How many times can I say the word “onomatopoeia” before it sounds like an Italian person saying “I don’t wanna peeuh”? (TRY IT) 9. What is the standard weekly rate for masturbation nowadays and should I see a doctor?? (**Asking for a friend)
DESPERATELY LURING STRANGERS TO DATE YOU How to Improve Your Tinder Profile BY LATIN MAMA My Dearest (Insert your name here), I hope you’re having a lovely day at school, up there at Montclair State University? How’s the weather? Is it cold? Are you wearing the scarf I sent you? Poppop Norman is doing well, except for the fact that he’s losing his goddamn mind. Yesterday, we were heading out to play mahjong and he forgot to put on his underwear under his pants. A strong wind blew and the whole group would have seen his schlong, if it wasn’t for his suspenders holding up his pants. Anyways, how are you sweetheart? Your mother says you were upset after you tried taking out that girl from your floor, but she told you she already had a boyfriend. Don’t worry about it. Just try again with the next girl that catches your eye. You’re a smart boy, and handsome. Just do what your grandfather did to get me, he made prolonged eye contact in English class and kept following me around after class until I agreed to go out on a date with him. My plan was to get rid of him, but that didn’t work and now we’re happily married for 54 years. That will be you someday. I hope you’re keeping up your studies in engineering. I’m expecting my little genius to pay my way through the retirement home, so keep your grades up, my shining star. Grandma loves you! xoxo Grandma Nancy
BROWER IS THE BEST DINING HALL
What Dining Hall Are You? By Nifty Knitter
1. a. has a thing for Asians b. always wearing one conversation piece c. has low standards d. wants to have it your way 2. a. has a warm heart as transparent as a glass fireplace b. laidback and artsy c. love prison/medieval times aesthetic d. always busy 3. a. trying to recycle and do your part b. wants to be more healthy c. eat ice cream with every meal d. business is efficiency and efficiency means burger-ordering kiosks, so burgers mean business 4. a. not aesthetically pretty, but practical b. somewhat conventionally pretty and warm c. lots of people have been inside you on game day d. has a flair for modernity Mostly A’s Busch Mostly B’s Neilson Mostly C’s Brower
OH, A JEW REFERENCE
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “Let my people go or the first plague will be all the rivers filled with salsa, and not the mild kind” -Direct quote from Mexican Moses at Trump’s wall
THE NIFTY KNITTER DIDN’T MAKE THIS
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“Check out these gradients.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What did you do for Easter?
“I sucked off a guy named Jesus. He came. ” Amber Glenn Niiiiiiice.
“Went to Church? I’m not a fucking slut. Mary Christenson Only takes it in the ass.
“I miss bread. Matzah sucks”
Morty Rosenblum Really fucking wants pizza. I STILL CALL IT THE CCC
I NEED TO STOP MASTURBATING
BY NANCY RHOMBOID Here’s the thing: being single is hard. Well not really, it’s actually pretty fucking dope. You don’t have to answer to anyone, or really worry about anyone else’s feelings. It’s all about you man. The only issue is sex. Sometimes you can’t get it, other times you just don’t feel like having to deal with another human. And that is why masturbation is so goddamn awesome. You’re taking yourself on a wild ride, all with the use of your hand and usually a vibrator. Oh and lube. Can’t forget the lube. So I’ve been in a bit of a rut lately and haven’t felt like banging someone else, especially considering I don’t like people. But I’m still a human being and I do have needs, so I do what I need to do. It’s been swell. I play around down there for awhile and as soon as i experience my um, explosion, I go right to sleep. However, recently my hand has been cramping, and it’s a serious mood killer. And if you kill your own mood, that is a serious fucking problem. I think I’m getting carpal tunnel, and it’s impacting my life. Simple tasks like writing or opening a door are becoming painful. I can’t go on like this anymore. So that is why I have decided to stop masturbating so much. I need to understand that what I am doing is dirty and sinful, and the devil smiles every time someone masturbates. I cannot live with myself knowing that I am contributing so Satan’s joy. It’s time to give up this nasty habit. Notttttt. There’s no way I’m giving that up. Who do you think I am, Ann Romney?
EQUAL RIGHTS FOR EQUAL FLAVORS
I DON’T CARE ABOUT STARBURST COLOR BY MICHIGAN MICHAEL
You know, I’m a pretty mellow guy. Like I try pretty hard not to get to angry or up in arms about things that don’t matter. I consider myself to be an all around reasonable brochacho. A dude that doesn’t have an opinion just to make people upset. Like for example, I don’t really have a favorite Starburst. All the colors are pretty good, except pink sucks and yellow is the best. Like it’s not even that big of a deal to me but if I had to choose between having taste buds in my asshole or have the only Starburst flavor be pink, then Bon Appé-shit . But, like I said, I really don’t care thaaaaat much. But what I DO care about is the social hierarchy 10th century feudal Europe. Like what’s up with that? All people are created equal! I think the topic is especially interesting in how it can be used as an allegory of how pink is like the dirty serf that doesn’t even deserve to look upon the fair complexion of the royalty that is yellow Starburst. But then again, I really don’t mind that much. I hate to go on a tangent, but did you know that the place the most likely a person is get infected is a public sink. Can you believe that!? The place where we are supposed to get clean is the place where you are most likely to contract a disease. Even worse, guess what rhymes with sink? Pink! Just like the piece of shit Starburst.
VIVA LOS NUGGETS
GIVE ME CHICKEN NUGGETS OR GIVE ME DEATH! BY PATCHICK HENNY
Fall semester of 2016 was the Golden Age of the Rutgers Dining services with the distribution of the lead containing canteens and the greatest food item to come to the Rutgers takeout menu, the flaky goodness that is the chicken nugget. The aroma danced in the nostrils of every student. As usual the semester chipped at every persons’ psyche but takeout was the one thing every Rutgers student, with a meal plan, looked forward to. Hearing about their plans to turn these golden delights into organic smoked veggies was a knife in my jugular. I would rather swallow hot tar than put organic healthy vegetables near my lips. How could Rutgers possible think this was idea worth implementing. This seems to be a trend in the Rutgers Dining hall community. To remove the few places of happiness in our life and replace with organic hippy bullshit, I’m fucking sick of it. You know what? Give me chicken nuggets or give me death!
GAY BARS FOR GAYPRIL! COME TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS IN THE CASC ROOM 411B MONDAYS IN THE LSC ROOM 117D WE’RE A FUN TIME, AND WE’RE A SAFE SPACE. CHECK OUT THIS RAINBOW, YOU KNOW THAT YOU’RE SAFE HERE, WE ACCEPT YOU! PLEASE COME, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017
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“POINTLESS’’ BY DICK TONER
“DICK OF THE WEEK” BY MIKE HAWK
LIKE HOW I DRAW MY DICKS? COME TO THE MEDIUM ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! YOU CAN COME SEE MINE IN PERSON ;)
ARTS
“yeah, kinda, not really”
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“HOTEL SHENANIGANS” BY MIKE HAWK AND PJ
PERSONALS
the Medium ME?
DEAR
I’m starting to think that WWE might be rigged.
I’m so lonely do you want to go on a date?
Princeton has such a nice campus.
Pretty sure I’ve put on deoderent like 4 times today cuz’ I keep forgetting if I put it on or not. (Oh shit. Did I forget deoderant?) I don’t like this new thing where just being a white guy is uncool. It invalidates anything cool I do. No matter what it’s not cool just because I’m the one that did it.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Love is like a dill pickle.”
WHY
(Yeah, people are totally intentionally getting hit in the head with folding chairs. If it’s rigged what are the referees doing there? And why are the wrestlers always so suprised when the undertaker shows up? Idiot.)
Wednesday, April 12th, 2017
(I wrote this personal to myself, please someone talk to me.) What’s the funniest way to die? (Gotta be some sort of medieval clown themed execution. Or is that the scariest? No it’s the funniest. Imagine being drawn and quartered by helium balloons.) I gotta say, Moonlight was the gayest, blackest, movie I’ve seen this year. (Get Out.)
So I was on the bus the other day and someone farted...and I gotta say it smelled pretty good.
(It’s because kids these days eat so healthy. They’re basically eating rainbows and sparkles. Or the guy was probably real(Yeah it’s like white dudes are ly fat and it just smelled like a combo of every delicious thing the new Asians) he’s eaten since he woke up.)
THIS IS FROM USC’S “THE SACK OF TROY”. GOOD SHIT. THE ONION AND CLICKHOLE THOUGH IT WAS FUNNY. SUPPORT STUDENT MEDIA!
(Yeah but did you know everything closes there at like 10 and there are only like two bars and you can’t have a car on campus?)
I’m sure their parties are super chill and I bet everyone is really respectul. (They’re just as fucked up as ours. Someone stole my jacket at one of those parties. Plus, everyone sucks at beer pong.) Princeton greek life is also probably really well organized and non-threatening.
(It basically doesn’t exist. They have these super pretentious eating clubs. Actually they’re really nice. I’m jealous.)
Do other schools have something like you guys? (Yeah we were actually at a Humor Conference and 17 other schools were there. Ohio State, BC, Quinnipiac, USC and Maryland are pretty cool. Hofstra is fucking weird. But we’re the best. We’re the only weekly publication. Suck it.) Oh so what was the conference like? (I’m glad you asked person who definitely isn’t me. It was super fun. The Onion and Clickhole came to workshop with us. And luckily basically everyone was funny.) Did you say USC came? South Carolina or Southern California? (California. They said they have no funding, but somehow they made it all the way to Princeton. I don’t get it. Also The Onion judged every school’s articles and said USC submitted the best one. Talk about some BS. Our article on why I wouldn’t fuck Beethoven is grade A content.) Damn, that is some bullshit. You’ll get ‘em next year. Anyway, BC is Boston College right?
Our meetings are on Wednesday’s, 7:45pm at the RSC room 411B, if you’re the type of person who might find that information useful.
(Tell me about it. And yeah. Did you know they aren’t allowed to have sex at school. Freakin’ Catholic schools, am I right? Also there’s this one kid from BC that everyone in their club hates.)
What was the best part about the Conference?
(That’s such a shitty, generic question. You couldn’t have come up with anything better? Fucking disgraceful. I mean seriously. Who do you think you are?)
GOD
You think God exists? Then let me ask you something. Why did my pants, that I really liked and had for a long time, rip? It wasn’t even along the seam. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You don’t have an answer. Those were quality pants. Perfectly acceptable, nondescript pants. Messed up. WHY
ME?
Why do little kids endlessly ask questions starting with “why”?
I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and I wasn’t too happy with what I saw. What should I do. (Probably work out. Or be more positive. I mean the answers are pretty simple. You really had to ask this?) I want this guy in my class to say hi to me.
(Not sure, but to shut them up say, “because I said so.” Then the kid cries and you win.) Why does the man across the street from me keep looking at me through his bedroom window? (Because you’re super fucking hot. I mean clearly this guy is a creep, but have you seen yourself. Those tits are fuckign amazing. That ass. Damn. I mean I wouldn’t do that, but I understand. Mmmmmmmm.)
(If you want him to notice you, shit on your desk.) Is it just me, or does anyone else see that little green thing in the corner? (I see it too, bro. I see it, too.)
I DON’T KNOW IF I MADE THIS CLEAR ENOUGH, BUT--FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW--WE JUST WENT TO THE NATIONAL INTERCOLLEGIATE HUMOR CONFERENCE IN PRINCETON. THE ONION AND CLICKHOLE WERE THERE. SO WAS MIKE BIRBIGLIA. IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. THESE ARE THE KINDS OF PERKS YOU GET WHEN YOU ARE APART OF THE ONLY WEEKLY SATIRICAL HUMOR PUBLICATION IN THE COUNTRY. BUT, WHAT DO I KNOW? OH THAT’S RIGHT, EVERYTHING.
Wednesday April 12th, 2017
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PAGE A7
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“Does my Yamurkle make me look fat?”
NEWS IN PICTURES
RAWR I GUESS
6 ways the mountain lion you keep in your basement is actually destroying your love life! 1. They make guys jealous Mountain lions are sex ANIMALS. Chances are when you bring a guy home, all he is thinking is how you are ravaged by a ferocious carnivore every night. 2. Their oboe playing is too dissonant during sex You knew what you signed up for when you got the mountain lion, but your sex partners don’t know that mountain lions need many years of constant practice until they can perfect the oboe. Nobody likes to listen to an amateur. 3. There are too many dead goats laying around Ordinarily a few dead ungulates scattered around the house are a great aphrodisiac, but having too many makes you look desperate. NOT A TURN ON
HOLY CANNOLI! This Italian murdered three people last night.
4. The guy is a coyote person Everyone is split into two personality types: puma person or coyote person. If he is a coyote person, he probably won’t click well with Tony. However, your personality auras just won’t match up anyway, so good riddance! 5. People seem to be disappearing This one is especially mysterious. You may start to notice a trend that your sexual partners seem to be systematically disappearing after you bring them home, along with unusually high amounts of blood on your basement stairs. Chalk it up to fragile masculinity, we say. 6. You actually end up falling for the mountain lion Mountain lions aren’t called cougars for nothing, and you can be a little bit emotionally unstable. We’ve all been there, so go have your fling and get back into the dating scene when it’s over. You may have to prepare for the possibility of a interspecies marriage (you go girl) and that revolution is still years down the road. Hang in there!
SUPPORT THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ ARTS please. FIGHTING PANDA WWE and WWF face ecnomic hardships and come out stronger than ever.
HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO BEG? COME TO OUR MEETINGS WE HAVE BOOBS AND DICKS WEDNESDAYS @ 7:45PM ROOM 411B OF THE CASC
April 12th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MONEY FOR NOTHING
RUTGERS TO LEGALIZE GAMBLING ON COLLEGE GAMES MAXIMUM POWERS PLEDGING WAFFLE HOUSE
NEW BRUNSWICK— With many forms of sports gambling being legalized on the professional level, Rutgers has decided to jump ahead of the game on the college level and will start allowing betting on all Rutgers sport teams starting Fall 2017. Despite controversy, University officials feel that the addition will help drum up the attendance and revenue that was sorely lacking in the 2016 season. The decision to legalize gambling with Rutgers sports is not a free-for-all invitation, and will restrict players based on their age and affiliation with the school. Athletic Director and title holder of the Rutgers Beer Shotgun Championship, Patrick E. Hobbs, gave the Medium a brief outline of the rules to gambling at Rutgers events.
Makin' It Rain Fans rejoice on a new way to make money sitting on their ass.
“Obviously, you have to be twenty-one to place a bet.” Hobbs remarked, “Also you have to be either a student, a teacher, a staff member, or a season ticket holder in any sport to be allowed to gamble on any game.” While those seem to be
common sense restrictions aimed to gather more fan involvement, the rules that have been putting the new program under scrutiny have been the requirement that any bets placed by students or ticket holders be placed on Rutgers winning that game.
Hobbs explained this condition with, “We want to help renew the pride Rutgers fans have with their teams and allowing students to bet against their school goes against this goal. By having one’s personal success tie in with a team’s success, we hope to see more students become passionate about the fate of Rutgers Athletics.” A part of the new program that was left unclear from the interview was how Rutgers would pay out students who win the gamble, as the university is legally not allowed to pay students for athletics. After much probing into the subject a key figure in planning the new program told the Medium that, “We hadn’t really thought of that… oh well. We’ll just have all the wins be paid in the form of meal swipes.”
FIELD OF DREAMS
DADS ARE SUPER AMPED ABOUT BASEBALL SEASON THROB LOWE YOUNG BLOOD
NEW YORK— Baseball has made its return, and dads everywhere are losing their damn minds. Liquor stores across the country are experiencing light beer shortages across the country and Home Depot has tripled last year ’s revenue off grill sales and outdoor projector set ups alone. Local supermarket clerk Barbara Reed, 32, said “The store has been full of middle aged men buying red meat, wings, and beer and arguing with each other over which pitcher is better. I’ve never seen so many in one place before.” Stadiums have been packed with men who should be at work and boys who should be in school since
Take Me Out to the Ball-Game Almost a packed crowd at Citi field with almost three rows of people.
opening day. Citi Field was entirely full, with over 41,000 people attending the game, with an estimated 21,000 of those participants missing lessons in school that are
integral to their academic success. Local teen Brandon Grosmen said “My dad took me to the Yankees game which was cool, but I missed a review for a really big history
KEEPING OUR BASES LOADED SInce 1970
test and picture day. I guess it was worth it to see the game.” The Yankees went on to lose the game to the Houston Astros 8-1 in the game where Brett Gardner tore his ACL sliding into second base. He won’t return to play this season. Highways entering major cities have been backed up for miles before games after stadiums established DUI checkpoints every quarter mile. An unnamed Citi Field "The stadium said they want the check points coming in to prevent drunk driving and disorderly fans, but they're really just doing it so people have to pay for stadium beers. No one can watch baseball sober with their kids and the stadium know it."