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April 19th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue XI 50¢ MOVE ASIDE, PENN STATE
RUTGERS STARTS CULT FOR THE KIDS GRIND ALL GREEK LIFE INSIDER
NEW BRUNSWICK—In an effort to finally surpass Penn State in donations for Dance Marathon, RUDM organizers have decided to start the FTK Cult. This decision comes after The Medium produced a scathing article about how Rutgers, in its most successful year ever, could still only raise 10% of what Penn State can raise. Reports say that the FTK Cult is being advised by cult experts such as the Westboro Baptist Church. The cult will begin picketing in similar fashions as the Church except they will be shaming and protesting people who do not donate to their cause. The hopes are that this aggressive format will motivate others to donate. This type of
Local Cult Man Knows More Than You Think Band of Horses Shifts to Metal, Becomes Cult of Horses
GO BIG OR GO HOME The new Dance Marathon moto
guerrilla canning will include intense psychological torture to citizens that deny donating. The cult has been instructed to follow home those who deny donating and yell “ASS-HOLE,
ASS-HOLE” at them until they finally donate some amount of money. The cult has also said they would use force but what kind of force isn’t clear yet. Continued on Page 2
FUCK OFF, KAREN!
Cult Fakes Mass Suicide Just to Off One Member GOLDILOCKS CULT MEMBER
PISCATAWAY—A local cult was recently found alive and kicking Tuesday night following reports of a mass suicide at their Piscataway headquarters. The cult, the Third Rite, was found in their compound surrounding one dead member. When questioned, members were seen sighing in relief, and insisting that she had it coming. “Thank fucking God, she was so fucking annoying. She’d come to meetings and would just kill all of our ideas. Every single idea we would come up with, she’d just keep going and going until the idea was played out and cult cliche. We’ve been trying to get her to leave since our last doomsday scare. She
QUICKIES
Impatient Man Who Burnt His Tongue On Hot Pocket Must Now Live With His Sad Self Cult of Puppies Is The Only Cult I'll Recognize Satan Disappointed With All The Ugly People in Cults Dedicated To Him
just wouldn’t take a fucking hint,” said Brother Jedidiah. “We finally came up with a plan to fake our suicides, telling her we’d go to some new astral plane or some shit like that.”
“You know what the best part was? She fucking believed it! We couldn’t even say it without laughing. Like who
BEING A CULT Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
Typo In Cult Eating Club Flyer Attracts Lesbians
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NEWS
"Guess whose jeans are now JORTS!"
FOR THE KIDS!
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FUCK YEAH DOOMSDAY
FTK CULT
DM would also try to persuade members of the cult to meet a minimum of $2,000 in donations. Though there is a requirement now for the charity, it is more of a suggestion that is loosely enforced with the only penalty being inability to participate in the DM weekend. In addition, the cult would shame those who didn’t make the goal by giving them a shot of whatever sickness ailing the child for whom they are fundraising. This would make the participants realize how shitty the sick kids have it and motivate them to get all the money they can. “We’re really excited about this,” said Dance Marathon spokesperson Matt Janson. “For
Wednesday,April 19th
...continued from front
years, we’ve been behind Penn State but starting a cult where people are forced to make at least $2,000 or else they’ll get some kind of cancer is the perfect way to make sure we make the most money possible”. The cult is even backed by President Barchi who called the cult and its ruthlessness the “best chance Rutgers to stop being a disgrace”. The cult has even been described as carrying the entirety of Rutgers on their back, a label they are happy to have. Hopefully with the creation of this cult Rutgers will finally bring some pride back to the school and can actually say “Fuck Penn State” for an actual real reason.
Alt-Right Figureheads Found Doomsday Cult JAMIROQAI VAL JOHNSON ALT-LEFT MAN
Firearms. Supremor Bannon told the press at a conference, "It's time to take back control. Ever since I got ousted from my role as imp on the President's shoulder, I've had no one to manipulate. I brought Jones into the fold because he fed voters enough fake news to get Trump into office in the first place! But enough deception, we believe in a Truth above Trump: The Fourth Turning!" Jones clarified, "We still idolize Trump, but he's not our New Messiah. That's my children and if that bitch Kelly really thinks she can take full custody, then I'll waive the insanity plea for a religious freedom defense! No matter what happens, my kids are never leaving Jonestown while we're alive!"
DALLAS--White House Chief Strategist and formerNational Security Counsel member Steve Bannon has legally filed for the creation of a new faith-based organization in the state of Texas. The application described the "Church of Lone Survivors" as "a doomsday cult that eagerly anticipates impending global crises." Supremor Bannon has already enlisted Info Wars broadcaster Alex Jones as Vice Supremor. Jones brought indispensable knowledge in how to found a doomsday cult SHE CAN'T SIT WITH THEM since he resurrected the Branch Davidian Church following the FAKE MASS SUICIDE ...continued from front compound's 1993 raid by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and the fuck would commit suicide cleanup of the remains. The for a cult? We’re not even one deceased’s body was being SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION OF of those cults. She took a mix of processed for rituals, with the OUR CULT APPROPRIATION phenobarbital and apple sauce skull being boiled and cleaned WEDNESDAYS 7:45 and she was out like an eight for use as a candelabra and RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER year old with leukemia,” Brother the ribs being used for the cult ROOM 411B Jedidiah continued. xylophone quarter. Following the death, the There is no word on whether frantically through dead skin face, my makeup was gone with cult was trying to get back to a or not the cult will be put on trial and grime, propelling the the blackheads underneath!” state of normalcy, with a quick for murder. grime out of the skin up until Dr. Skin has determined that the gametes' death. And one the best method for application dead sperm is microscopic, is by generously massaging the I CAME. I SAW. I CAME SOME MORE. negligible." target area with a warm cloth To guide the researchers, Dr. saturated with mixed samplings Skin's husband (and proprietor of jizz. But she admits that of website "Mr. Skin") connected freshly produced secretions are the research group with nearly as good, if available, and MYQ THAI SON, HEAVYWEIGHT semen. "We sampled across pornographic actress Madison discourages swallowing until CHAMPION ethnic groups on campus and Ivy, who recently won the role of further research is completed. RON JERMEY SUPER FAN even a few other species to be First Lady Melania Trump in the Dr. Skin has a patent Researchers at Robert thorough, putting specimens next Presidential Porn Parody. pending on “cum-soaked rag” Wood Johnson Medical School under the microscope to “I was always curious about and expects that Rutgers’s status have figured out exactly how determine average sperm count, why my skin is so soft and clean as a well-attended university to best take advantage of the fluid density, and kinematic around my lips, my anus, and with an engineering school dermatological benefits of viscosity. my lower back,” explained Ivy, will make large-quantities of human male ejaculate. "The most interesting thing “so I was eager to find the truth. fresh jism readily available and According to Dr. Nophour we found is that sperm cells' Now that I really think about it, inexpensive. She is pairing with Skin, lead author of the study, tendency to burrow inward I was facialized in a fifty-man the Animal Science Department her research group performed fights the accumulation of bukkake scene and the cum for access to a comprehensive extensive testing on the physical residue in pores. We recorded dried onto my skin layer by list of ejaculate across the animal and chemical behavior of video of the sperm swimming layer. When I peeled it off my kingdom.
Study Shows Swallowing His Love Juice is Bad for You
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager SPRING 2017 Mascot
Editorial Staff
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News Editors Aly Grindall James Mullen III Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Charlie Murphy
FEATURES
Wednesday, April 19th, 2017
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“I’m too Jewish to be here.”
YOU’RE ONE OF US NOW
Which Lovable Pixar Sidekick Best Describes Your Undying Devotion to the Emperor of Darkness?
ALL FOR FTK, FTK FOR ETERNITY
The tell-tale signs you are part of a cult By Nifty Knitter
By Caillou
Everyone has their own special method to give thanks to Zorko, Emperor of Darkness and collector of lost souls. But which Pixar sidekick best describes YOUR undying devotion to our one true master? 1. Which delicious treat would you provide as tribute to His Three Hounds of Destruction? a. T-bone steak b. Grits c. Rib eye steak d. Apple pie 2. What part of the day do you prefer to carve the Puppeteer’s symbol on your tongue, so that you can always taste the path of righteousness? a. Morning b. Afternoon c. Evening d. Night 3. How would you describe your feelings as you slowly, yet meticulously, peel back the layer of skin on a nonbeliever? a. Excited b. Anxious c. Ecstatic d. Content 4. How many of your children have you disassociated with due to lack of devotion to the Church? a. 1 b. 3 c. 8 d. All of them 5. How would you describe your perfect date?
-You are forced to raise exorbitant sums of money in the name of healing the terminally ill -You devote too much time to advertising your organization -You only associate with people from your organization -You gather for multiple days at a time with your organization -You have matching attire
DRINK UP
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE
a. A walk on the beach, followed by a moonlit blood sacrifice b. A trip to the museum to take back the black magic manuscript c. A movie date to see “Zorko: The Divine Truth” d. Mass suicide
“To me death is not a fearful thing. It’s living that’s cursed. That’s why I spike the drinks.”
if you answered mostly a’s: congrats, you’re a Rex! You can be shy at times, but when it comes to devotion to our true lord, you’re a social “dinosaur!”
A REAL THIRST-QUENCHER
if you answered mostly b’s: congrats, you’re a Mater! You like meeting new people and trying new experiences, but aren’t afraid to mutilate your own body to prove your faith! if you answered mostly c’s: congrats, you’re a Dug! You’re loyal to friends and family, and love life to the fullest. You can also make a real mean shepherd’s pie from the organs of politicians who refuse to accept our church as a real religion. if you answered mostly d’s: congrats, you’re a Frozone! Dude’s pretty sick.
-Jim Jones
The First and Last Kool-Aid Recipe You’ll Ever Have BY Mrs. Jones -5 gallons of water -3 cups of Koolaid (red flavor only) -1 handle Traveler’s Club -1 tsp arsenic -pinch of rat poison Mix all together Viola
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 19th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“I have so many projects due soon, please send help.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What’s your favorite cult mass suicide?
“Heaven’s Gate, my brothers died with pride. ” Logan Morris Heaven’s Gate Webmaster
“Jonestown. Fun fact, they actually drank flavor-aid! Marissa Markowitz Cult Historian
“Scientology. Wait they aren’t dead yet? What gives!” John Temporance Blocked on Twitter by the Church of Scientology.
BROTHER JACQUES, WHERE ARE YOU?
I JUST DON’T THINK MY BROTHER IS THAT INTO IT. BY RON DANWITH
I love all of my brothers in the House of Daelik; I trust those men and women with my life. Whether I need help writing out manuscripts in blood for the new brothers, or just need someone to talk to, I know I can trust them. However, I’m just not sure how devoted Danny is into the House. Sure, he went through with the blood oath to get initiated into the House, but what else has he really done? He’s been suspiciously absent from the past two moonlight elk sacrifices, and no one ever misses those. They’re the one night a month we really get to just lay back and cozy up to the fire that is a full grown elk being burned alive. There really is nothing more soothing than the cry of an innocent creature unsure of why it has been chosen to receive such holy damnation, and he just bails on that? It’s a little suspicious, to say the least. To be honest, he’s only really shown up for daily prayers and rituals twice this month. I understand that for some people, they can’t devote all of their time to the House. People have jobs and other commitments; I can empathize that. But when you drank the blood of our members, and scorched your scalp with the name of our God, you really made a commitment to our brothers to be involved in the House, and it’s kinda messed up to just go back on that. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just leave a gutted goat on his lawn to see how he’s doing.
ROCK OF AGES
CULT OF PERSONALITY IS THE WORST SONG ON GUITAR HERO III. BY JOHNNY ROCKETS
I’m tired of hearing this song every time my step-brother decides he wants to fire up the Wii and play some Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. It’s a great game, don’t get me wrong! I just don’t think they needed to include it. Nobody needs that noise blaring in their home on a Sunday morning. It’s bad enough that Johnny is hogging the TV when it’s clearly been my turn for almost an hour, but on top of that, I have to listen to Living Colour? What was EA thinking when they made this game? You’re telling me Layla by Eric Clapton didn’t make the cut, but a shitty re-recording of a song nobody liked in 1988 did? That’s fucking bullshit, man. Clapton did a thousand times more for music than Living Colour. It’s astounding that a band who can’t even spell their own name correctly would even be considered in the running for the tracklist of Guitar Hero III.
FEAST OR FAMINE
WE SHOULD GO BACK TO PERSECUTING THE IRISH. BY JOHN ENGLEBERT
When did we collectively decide that the Irish were okay? Remember the good ol’ days when the Irish ran out of potatoes and had that whole famine thing? When they came over here to America, desperate for a new life, what did we do? We told them all to fuck off out into the cold, that’s what we did. When was it that we were just like, fuck it, let’s give ‘em jobs? Maybe we should steer society back to a better time, a time when we stood by our values and posted IRISH NEED NOT APPLY on our shop windows. They’ve had it easy for far too long in this country, just showing up to their fancy jobs in their fancy cars and providing for their families. They’re getting a little too comfortable in my country, and I think it’s about time we start persecuting them again.
WOW. I ALMOST FILLED THE ENTIRE PAGE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M PROUD! YOU SHOULD BE PROUD TOO! COME TO A MEETING ON WEDNESDAYS IN CASC 411B FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN. OR ON A MONDAY IN LSC 117D. I SWEAR WE’RE FUN. WELL...MOST OF US. I MEANT TO MENTION THIS LAST WEEK BUT I WASN’T AROUND ELLEN FROM BC IS A DAMN GOOD WINGMAN WAY TO GO ELLEN, WAY TO GO.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2017
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“COLT’’ BY DICK TONER
ARTS
“Just because she likes the same weird crap you do doesn’t make her your soulmate”
“NOT A DICK” BY MIKE HAWK
LIKE HOW I DRAW MY DICKS? COME TO THE MEDIUM ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! YOU CAN COME SEE MINE IN PERSON ;)
“SKY DADDY” BY CTHULU
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PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, April 19th, 2017
“Who the fuck still masturbates to magazines?”
CULTS I wonder if we’ll ever be able to communicate with animals. (Do you think animals wonder the same thing about us? Like when will humans be able to bark? The burden is always on the animals, but as humans we should show some fucking initiative if we want to speak with animals. I sure as hell know I want to be able to ask my dog why licking his balls is so satisfying.) Kim K is having surgery to force having another baby. She’s asking to get slapped in the face with karma by some horribly defected child. (“I just love being a mom.” YOU HAVE TWO KIDS ALREADY. GUESS WHAT, YOU ARE A MOM.)
Culinary school is probably delicious. (Do you graduate culinary school with a GPA? Why would you considering all you’re doing is making food. I can’t imagine you have to take other classes at culinary, the name of the school literally means school for making awesome food. So since I’m right, that means chefs have no secondary education. Next time you see a chef, you’ll think of me and laugh to yourself because you now know you are smarter than that stupid chef who prepared your fucking lamb salad with fregola.) Stretching everyday is probably really healthy for you. (I can assure you, it certainly is.)
ROB SCHNEIDER IS A STAPLER!!
CULTS
(Honestly that would blow, lol pun intended. Just outta nowhere your goddamn device that basically holds your entire life blows up as it’s pressed against your cheek. Actually probably not your cheek, what freak calls people anymore.)
CULTS IS ONE LETTER AWAY FROM ANOTHER WORD.
How are parrots a thing.
(I refuse to believe parrots are smarter than dogs. But how the fuck can that crazy bird repeat what I just said?Imagine if dogs had that capability. Basically, dogs are way cooler than parrots. Fuck parrots. Dogs.) It must be so easy to teach a joke high school class. I could teach one tomorrow. (My woodshop teacher was like 75 and basically had amnesia. Basically any woodshop teacher ever. If you spend your entire day with stupid high school kids and wood, you would want amnesia too.)
(A man’s ribs were broken into his lungs which punctured and collapsed immediately when an unknown assailant tried to perform CPR on him. But that was God’s plan for him, I guess.) Getting a disease is basically your body telling you, “Hey buddy, I’m done taking care of these tasks pertinent to your health.” (The body hates the brain as a roommate.) (The liver is the Jew of the body. Constant abuse over a period of years.)
Rutgers Student Center room 411B @ 7:45 p.m. on Wednesdays
CULTS
Imagine being one of the people whose phone exploded in their hand or pocket.
If you’re not a doctor or a firefighter, you got to be pretty arrogant to think you can save someone’s life.
You guys are welcome for the extra personals this week you foul, good for nothing animals. Anyway, look below.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
CULTS! People who dedicate their lives to ghosts, Bigfoot and things of the like...why? (Why do so many of those random channels from 680620 show weird, shitty shows. House Hunters? Diners, Drive-ins and Dives?? Paranormal Lockdown??? Lawn & Garden???? What the fuck is that.) I wonder if rappers refer to each other as their rap names in regular conversation. (I just cannot see rappers calling Lil Yachty Lil Yachty. Maybe Yachty. If your rap name can be easily turned into a nickname then yeah. That’s why my rap name is Lil Dirty. Dirty for short.) I’m currently dealing with the IRS because Russian hackers tried to file a tax return in my name.
(How did Russians get your name? Have you been clicking on those sketchy Instagram follower links???)
What’s your greatest Braces are the biggest scam shame? since the the Pyramid (My dad watches anime.) Scheme. PUT ME IN THE FUCKIN (They should be done by denMEDIUM YOU FUCKS tists. Dentists caught the biggest break in terms of work- (no.) load not having to do that. Who’s your celebrity crush? But you’re right, dentistry is (Gotta be Rob Schneider.) theft.) The Personals is like a real (Also, dentists need to stop shitty version of Twitter. turning their homes into their office. That goes for all busi- (Oh yeah? Well Twitter nesses. Unless it’s a fucking doesn’t get updated once a mansion I don’t want to do week, idiot.) business where you may or may not have sex with your wife.)
I don’t understand the concept of hand holding. (What about high fives? High fives are alright. That’s a quick gesture in which hands are minimally touched. But holding hands in public? What does that do for anybody? You’re both just trying to bare to get through each other hands getting sweatier and sweatier.) I wonder who Melania’s been fucking from the White House because you know she isn’t letting Trump touch her but she’s still in her late prime so she’s in need of a dick down. (Yeah she’s for sure been getting wrecked. That’s got to be the best feeling in the world. Other than just banging her, being able to bang the President’s wife, especially if it’s Trump and especially if you voted Bernie.) Cook girls are the sluttiest. (Only if your dick is gluten free. And if you’re a farm animal.) Sometimes I think Trump is destroying the country, and other times I sort of get where he’s coming from. (Well politics isn’t really black and white. In fact it’s all white. And no girls either.) Just got a job offer from Lutron! Good for you, find out if they have a sarcastic writing department. I’m asking for a friend.
Wednesday April 19th, 2017
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Animals with Steve Buscemi's Eyes
SEAL BUSCEMI 'NUFF SAID
PAGE A7
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“Turn off this damn music”
ONE TRICK AND THEY'RE HOOKED
This guy gained a cult following of a MILLION people with this one simple trick! Illinois man Peter Jabrotsky was a normal 28 year old until he found out this one weird trick to get a cult following to obey his every order! We were SHOCKED at how simple it was. “Yeah, it turns out that going to the local crack house and promising a bunch of guys heroin if they hung out with me is surprisingly effective” said Jabrotsky. WOW! “I just walked in there with a baggie and a rusted spoon and it was like gerbils around a water bottle. So I just used that trick to get some friends. Sometimes they’ll offer to take someone out for me if they see I’m feeling down. It’s nice to know that someone has your back every once in a while.” Suddenly MILLIONS of people wanted in! Neat! “No, it’s not millions. Who told you that? That’s really dumb. I do have a few hundred people in my entourage. As it turns out a lot of people would do anything for heroin.” We couldn’t believe it either!
Top 10 Cult Rituals
Every group has it's "thing" and cults are no different. Here's some of the fucked up shit they do. STEVE KOALEMI!! THIS LITTLE GUY LOVES TO CLIMB!!
Tell us what your favorite cult is. Tweet us @themediumru And don't say Charles Manson. Be fucking original, douchebags
1. Mass suicide 2. Ripping people's hearts out 3. Sex with everyone 4. Stockpiling weapon 5. Bloodletting 6. Sacrificing virgins 7. Mass weddings 8. Sisterwives 9. Memorize bible verses 10. Do hard labor for no money
April 19th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com RUNNING THE DOOMSDAY BASES
CUBA N S A NT E R I A NS W I N INAUGURAL INTER - C U LT S O F T BA LL LEAGUE TITLE WALTER KRONKITE JR. PART OF THE FAMILY
WAUKEE, IA— As Juancho Gutierrez rounded the bases after socking a walk-off home run, team Santeria encircled home plate and prayed to the Yoruba dieties in thanks of winning the first inaugural inter-cult softball league title. The Cuban Santerians, who appease the gods by allowing the bloods of sacrificed animals to flow onto the sacred stones of the santero, defeated the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo, an alt-terrorist doomsday group that wreaks havoc on the Japanese subway system, 7-6 on Sunday. Cult leaders across the world called for a softball league after complaining they were being blackballed by religious, cult-lite softball leagues.
"It's time cults had a league of their own," said team manager and Santero priest Pedro 'Jobu' Cerrano through a translator. "To be champions in the first year is humbling, and it is sure to please the orishas we aim to satisfy with ritualistic offerings."
The Cuban team mowed down the competition to make the final best-of-three series, as it only faced allwhite, American cults. "These white boys just focus on mass suicide, man," said Gutierrez. "They gotta focus on the game. We had to
fight off the Castro regime to make it here and stave off evil spirits to make it here. We're focused." The Santerians won in two, but the last game was tight. After going back-andforth, the Afro-Cuban lucumis dances finally paid off. "Our prayers were answered," said Cerrano. "We were finally able to hit curveballs. Gutierrez came out to some Sublime music, he was dialed in--you should have listened to that crowd. He got a hold of that curveball and destroyed it like our god of war and iron, Ogun." After a successful first season, the inter-cult league will be back next season. Scientologists, who were not invited to this year's tournament, will vie for a spot again next year.
GETTING HIGH ON STAR-STUFF
NORTH CAROLINA COACH DEDICATES SUCCESS TO MYSTICAL COMET MAXIMUM POWERS DRINKIN' THE KOOL AIDS
CHARLOTTE— With the NCAA Championship now well having long since passed North Carolina coach Roy Williams has revealed the source of his talent to lead the Tar Heels to a championship. While most coaches and players usually choose to thank God or steroids, in an interview with the press Williams named the comet Encke and its magical aura as the source of his strength in the recent March Madness tournament. “Its radiant light just fueled every cell in my body,” Williams proclaims. “The Medaramma [Encke] comet flew over me when I was only a year old and again when I got my first blowjob. While I
To Infinity! Roy Williams taking in those sweet comet rays.
was not worthy of its power last year, the trailing mana from the glorious chariot was gifted to by body so that I may yell at mostly black teenagers to run around a gym floor. The comet, named after the guy who calculated some
science about it Johann “The Johnster” Encke, orbits the Sun around every three years or so and only gets close to Earth every thirty-three years. Heavenly bodies do come up periodically as the source of power for some athletes, like
Preparing for the end SInce 1970
Mike Tyson and Orion’s Belt or Tom Brady and the Hubble Telescope, however these are objects that are already widely considered to be mystical or connected to any of the Men in Black movies. Conventional voodoo does not pick up any magic from the comet and nut cases from the International Assembly of Tinfoil Hats deem the comet too small to serve a soul vessel in a trip towards heaven. Regardless Williams has faith that the Encke comet bestowed upon him the mystical radiances that allowed him to lead a team to be the best at a game children play for fun and adults play professionally so that they can have fun with women who are not their wives.