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April 20th, 2016
Volume LI Issue XI 50¢ BAD BOY BARCHI
B A R C H I T E L L S S T U D E N T B O DY: SHUT UP & DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS HAPPY TO BE WRONG
NEW BRUNSWICK—Days after announcing that United States President Obama would be the speaker for this year's University Commencement, Rutgers University President Robert Barchi sent out a video recording to the entire Rutgers community angrily affirming students, faculty, and staff to “shut up and don’t fuck this up for me!” The video file, which has a total run time of 34 minutes, includes Barchi sitting on his living room couch while furiously ranting about his efforts to get President Obama to speak to our University. “Two years. For two MOTHERFUCKING years, I’ve been kissing Obama’s ass just to get him to say one word. ‘Yes’,” said Barchi, taking a break to wipe sweat from his forehead.
“So for the love of god, do not be yourselves for one day. Just one day, have Rutgers pride but just don’t be Rutgers. Be like those preppy UPenn kids. Sit in your asses down, listen to the fucking
POTUS, and keep your damn “Honestly, it was super mouths shut.” uncomfortable, but I kind of Halfway through the video, wanted to keep watching,” Barchi spent seven minutes said SAS sophomore Samuel groaning and drinking several glasses of aged scotch. Continued on Page 2
TISSUE ISSUES
Sen. Corey Booker Caught with Boogers during Speech
QUICKIES
Trump Endorsed by 7/11 Slurpees Obligatory 420 Mention Vin Diesel Goes Hybrid
"COREY BOOGER!!!" After waking with a head cold, New Jersey Senator Corey Booker presented a new bill. He reportedly covered his mouth to sneeze and coated his palm in snot. The junior senator is now openly teased in the Halls of Congress by all the older kids.
I'M GETTING OLD Since 1970
Student Sues Netflix Over Failing Grades Obama to Arrive at Graduation on H Bus
the Medium
NEWS
"I don't want a phone bigger than my dick."
PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY
Take Back the Night Event Results in Consensual, Loving Sex. BY KOBE VERY SILKY TODAY
NEW BRUNSWICK—An event that was meant to empower women and make them feel comfortable did that and so much more Wednesday night on College Avenue. Take Back the Night, organized by Women Organizing Against Harassment (WOAH) began innocently enough, modeled after similar events on college campuses all over the country. However, the event quickly turned into a mature night full of loving, consensual sex. Soon after men and women gathered on the steps of Scott Hall, on the College Avenue Campus, the leaders of WOAH stepped up to the podium and began to speak. “For far too long, men have felt that they could prey on us walking around at night. Countless rapes and sexual assaults have occurred on this very campus. Every passing minute, another girl somewhere in the world is raped,” yelled Lisa Deromino, an organizer of the event . A chorus of “Amen, Sister!” could be heard coming from the crowd, according to sources at the rally. Following the opening
speech, a sexual assault victim who was not named rose to speak. “Today, we are proud to take back the night and stop being afraid. Before this decade is over, we promise to lead by example and show these men the compassion and humanity that we deserve,” she continued, pulling back a curtain to unveil a large wall, covered in condoms and sex toys. “And tonight is the beginning. Sisters, I urge you to find the nearest man and politely invite him to partake in caring and safe sex. Show each and every one of them that basking in the afterglow is better than a jail sentence of up to twenty years.” At this urging, women throughout the crowd began to search for men. While some of the men were horrified and ran away, many stayed around and gave consent to have sexual intercourse with the proposing women. Condoms were worn and the foreplay was sober and sensual, according to some men who attended the rally. “It was pretty fucking great,” said Chad Wilson, a freshman in the School of Arts and Sciences, “these women just came up Continued on Page A7
Wednesday, April 20th 2016
themedium.news@gmail.com
MY NEWS IS WHAT'S TRENDING ON FACEBOOK
Al Jazeera America Canned for Lack of Bias BY BAMES JOND DARWINIST MINISTER
WASHINGTON D.C.—The news organization Al Jazeera has announced that April 30th, 2016 would mark the end of the American division’s broadcast and digital operations. Al Jazeera board members have collectively stated, "This decision is a result of Al Jazeera America's inability to compete with the strongly biased tone of the other American news programs.” Al Jazeera America had been struggling in ratings for many years and as the company began to branch out into a globallyfocused market, the cost to keep the American branch alive did not seem worth the money. Al Jazeera prides itself on being a fact-based and unbiased news organization, which many experts say was their biggest obstacle to capturing a US audience. “People like to be told what to think,” one CBS representative
said. “The average American has the emotional capacity of a sick puppy and if we don’t tell them what to feel then they will collapse from stupidity.” “Do you know how much money it takes to check facts or get multiple sources?” asked MSNBC, giving a similar response. “You need to find a story then find at least three other people to corroborate the story which you need to then check to see if the stories match up and that is like three times the work. [Al Jazeera] also tried to get both sides of a story which is a whole other side you need to research which then adds up to six times the work. It is no wonder they weren’t making money.” Many of Al Jazeera’s major opponents we overjoyed to hear the news of the branch’s cancelation but were not surprised. Official news source of wife-beaters, Fox News, said Continued on Page A7
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"I'LL CONSENT YOU SO HARD!" SAS sophomore Cindy Choa quickly scrawled a sign for her to attract her own boy toy and exercise her rights as a woman.
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael-Vincent
Yagnesh Patel Adam Romatowski Fratypus
...continued from front
Ramirez, who sat through the entire tirade. “I liked how around the end he started hitting himself and asking if this is what we wanted. I laughed at that more than once.” “I can’t be here anymore, alright. And I can’t go back to being a doctor,” chocked out Barchi at the end of the video. “I want money, power, and bitches! News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
This is my big chance to make a political career out of this. I can be the next Woodrow-fuckingWilson. And listen, this will be good for you, too. You won't have to lie about graduating from Rutgers! You’re validated because Obama came here. That’s the best you can get and more than you deserve, you little assholes. So, no Delafest, no wiping 'blood' on your faces, and no more fucking petitions!” Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Bitch Ass Goose
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to vagicians, making penises disappear, reappear, and disappear. No knife acts, please.
Wednesday, April 20th 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“This page is dedicated to Bill Moyers”
POST UP DRANK
ALUMNI LOVE US
What Your Drink Choice Says About You BY LATIN MAMA
Corona: You are most likely a bro who’s been to Cancun on spring break more times than you’ve been to class. Also, the only Sublime song you know is “Santeria,” and you really just know the chorus and mumble the rest of the words in the drunken stupor which has become your sad life. You also without a doubt have a rockin’ dad bod which is coveted by all the bitchez. Appletini: You like Scrubs and don’t fail to mention this every time you order this fancy drank. As you should, Brown Bear ;). Vodka Cran: You’ve given up on trying to live up to your parents’ standards a loooong time ago. You are also most likely are a girl who says “like” so often that people start to fixate on this irritating habit, unbeknownst to, like, you. Buttery Nipple: Yes, this is the name of a popular shot! You have a healthy sense of humor and are a biiit immature. Let’s be real: you only ordered it so that you could say “buttery nipple” out loud, and kudos for that. How many times in life can you actually say “buttery nipple” aloud and have it be socially acceptable (**besides during food fetish foreplay**)? Not often enough, that is for damn sure. Keystone Light/Natty Ice: Isn’t it past your bedtime? Are you even old enough to be reading this paper? (**See age disclaimer on Page 1) Everclear: This potent substance, composed of Chuck Norris’ tears mixed with the souls of 1,000 Gingers, proves that you are no amateur. You are a god amongst us peasants. We are unworthy of your presence. God bless your weeping liver and loved ones.
A Generic Love Letter BY KRUPA TROOPA
Shout out to THE man of my dreams. You have been my rock since day one and are always only a phone call or text message away! Talking to you always makes me feel better I think it’s truly magical that you can roll your eyes when I talk but still listen to me wholeheartedly when I talk. You hold my ass in public in the same respectable fashion that you hold my hand. I can always count you to be there for me in my time of peril aka when I’m sad about something silly. You always know the right thing to say and help me forget about my problems by teaching me to ignore them like you do! I love the way you eat all 8 slices of pizza because you don’t want me to gain weight and feel bad about myself later. I also love the way you’re always talking to other girls because you want to help me find new friends who I share similar interests with! You even let me do your math homework because you want me to get extra practice in!!! Goodness. You are too kind to me. Idk what I would do without you! Love you oodles!!!! #mancrushmonday #mcm #bae #ilovehimmorethantacos -said every basic bitch to her man crush Monday aka boyfriend who does the minimal boyfriend things and more backhanded shit than most boyfriends do.
CAPN’ SKULL
Straightedge/Don’t drink: You have a good head on your shoulders and are by far the sanest of the bunch. You get to maintain your integrity, and take videos of your friends making complete asshats of themselves! Win-win in my book.
1 800 GET AWAY FROM ME
How To Get The Targum Referrendum Table People To LEAVE YOU ALONE BY GRIND ALL
Alright I understand that it’s important to these people blah blah blah. Or that they are getting paid to do this blah blah blah. But seriously LEAVE ME ALONE!!! 1. Pretend you’re dying 2. Actually die 3. Pretend you don’t speak English 4. Ask what year it is then run away saying “IT WORKED!” 5. Immediately start talking about your little even if you don’t have one 6. Start to GIVE THEM a speech on religion. Either God is super dead or he is super alive. Whatever you want 7. Stare straight into their eyes, never responding to them, but maintaining eye contact until you’re out of sight
CONGRATS TO ALL THE CAPN’ SKULL INDUCTEES! HOPE THE HIGH SEAS OF MILK AND CEREAL TREAT YOU WELL!
the Medium
OPINYIDS
Wednesday, April 20th 2016
“Did you know that SWAG stands for ‘Secretly We Are Gay?’”
SPEAKING OF WHICH
Thanks, Obama BY BILL MOYERS
Hey Obama, thanks for stealing my accolades. Why do you ruin everything you touch? I’m supposed to be the main commencement speaker, but now Barchi’s coming in from left field with that psych-nah. Does he even know who he’s dealing with? I’m Bill FUCKING Moyers, former White House press secretary and retired broadcast journalist. What’s wrong, Barchi? Am I too white? I’ll have you know I was already working in the White House during the height of the Civil Rights Movement. I even suggested renaming it the BLACK House. That’s the problem with the Liberal Media these days. You invited Obama for ONE REASON, and ONE REASON ONLY: because he’s the first black President of the United States. If you think I’ve never dealt with politicking clowns like you before? Think again, Obama. I worked under LBJ, and that was a hell of a ride. So what if you created millions of jobs to save a plummeting economy? I still have a few tricks up my sleeve too; just wait until the nurses bring me a deck of cards or a Yo-Yo, and yall will see. It’s not like I care though. So what if Obama bailed out the collapsing automobile industry in a desperate time. I bet he’s never changed his own oil! What kind of man can’t even do an oil change? Both of my sons can. But Obama has “people to do that for him.” Well you know what? I’ve got style, I’ve got swag, and Richard Nixon said I “have a great face for the radio.” You can’t stop me. But by all means Obama, bravo on making healthcare-for-all a topic of discussion. I’m sure you’re sooooo important. I’ve been talking about important things for centuries! Has Obama ever been interviewed by Johnny Carson? Nope. How are you gonna invite him to speak at commencement, when nobody even knows Obama’s last name! So thanks, Obama. I may not be the speaker, but I’m still getting a doctoral degree. This isn’t even my final form! The next time we meet, it’s on. You may have defeated Bill Moyers, but you’ll never defeat Dr. Bill Moyers, MD!
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Are You Doing Today? “Bruh...”
Your Old Roommate Still a stoner
“Same as usual.”
Your Current Roommate Has consistent, loud sex
“I AM TOTALLY NORMAL.” Your Future Roommate IS TOTALLY NORMAL
The Medium meets in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at 8PM on Wednesday nights. All creativity is welcome!
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
SPECIAL FEATURE
PRESENTS:
Bernie Sanders’ Passover Haggaddah! SUPER-HAPPY-FUN-TIME
The Haggaddah is the traditional Passover text, read aloud at the Seder meal. This year, the Medium brings you Senator Sanders own take on the classic. Next Year in the Palestinian Authority with a more proportionate response!
WHY IS THIS ELECTION different than
all other elections? In other elections, we dip into the pockets of Super PACs. In this election, we dip into the pockets of working Americans, and the average donation is $27! In this election, we break the middle Matzo into two pieces: a 99% and a 1%. In this election, we eat a bitter herb to represent the bitter reality of race relations in the U.S. In this elections, we lean in our chairs, like the Super Delegates who lean towards the establishment candidate!
FOUR TYPES OF SONS are depicted in the
Haggaddah: the Wise son, the Wicked son, the Simple son, and the Son who Cannot Speak. These are their campagin promises:
The Wise Son “We are all victims of a corrupt political system!” You must explain to him that the system will always be slanted against those who point it out.
The Wicked Son “Wall Street is corrupt.” Meaning them, but excluding herself. You must knock out her teeth. (Seriously, someone needs to punch this fucking liar)
The Simple Son “We’re gonna make America great again.” Ask him for a concrete plan of action. He’ll probably just repeat the phrase a few more times.
The Son Who Cannot Speak “Can someome attack me please?” Throw him a bone. Ask him an easy question, maybe about abortion or something. I don’t know.
IT WOULD BE ENOUGH,
had Bernie Sanders
not left Brooklyn. Had Bernie left Brooklyn, but did not march with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.... it would be enough. Had Bernie marched with MLK, but did not become senator of Vermont... it would be enough. Had Bernie become senator of Vermont, but never ran in the democratic primary... it would be enough. Had Bernie ran in the democratic primary, but didn’t win the Michigan Primary... it would be enough. Had Bernie won the Michigan Primary, but didn’t receive the democratic nomination... it would be enough. Had Bernie received the democratic nomination, but didn’t become President... it would be enough.
Wednesday, April 20th 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
the Medium
“The 11th plague was my massive cock.”
“A HIDDEN MESSAGE” BY MIKE BOYERS
“CEREBRAL PAWSY” BY MEOW MIXALOT
“SOROROOS” BY SAWYER
JOIN THE MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS. WEDNESDAYS, ROOM 439, COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 8PM DICK OF THE PAGE: PENE BY LATIN MAMÁ
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PERSONALS
the Medium No Vaseline
Meh.
I got a dance at a strip club in Sayreville and I swear I just saw the girl on the LX.
I’m white but that doesn’t mean I don’t know rap. I know all the lyrics to “Hey Ya” and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme song!
What’s your favorite trigonometric function? Mine’s the hacovercosine.
My girlfriend won’t talk to me ever since I brought up my clown fetish. (Wait, I have a clown fetish! Leave your girlfriend in the past bro. Let me be your future.) Dear kid wearing roller blades in class. You might not have a dick, but you certainly have balls.
(Thank you Sir, for the excellent back handed compliment.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“I am a vagician, here me roar.”
Strippers
(Hey, strippers are people who have hopes and dreams and aspirations too. Maybe she’s starting a stripping club at Rutgers.)
Wednesday April 20th, 2016
(I know what you’re thinking and NO you are not allowed to use that word even if it’s in a song.) Dear Personals Editor, are you a 1984 kinda person or a Brave New World person?
(Too many big words and now my brain is on fire. Thanks douchebag.) My friend can’t understand why you can’t just put a fertilized egg inside of a man and expect a baby to grow.
(What do you mean? You just put the egg in the stom(I’m more of a Beaver Broth- ach and it’ll be fine. That’s where babies grow right, the ers kind of girl.) stomach?) There are no legitimate criticisms of Obama, and POWER BOTTOMS all of his critics are racist. Don’t you just hate it (FINALLY SOMEONE when you don’t have a WHO GETS IT. Everyone passenger to snap how who hates the president is fast you’re driving so you have to do it yourjust racist, duh.) self. Then tweet about it, too?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. YOU CAN’T JUST RENAME SIERRA MIST AND THINK NO ONE WILL NOTICE. FUCK YOU.
(Well yeah. It’s a serious struggle man. I need the world to know how great of a driver I am, and how awesome my taste in music is.) (Our Sports Editor needs friends who can talk sports with him. Please. He’s very lonely.) Raise your hand if you have a million tabs of XHamster open but then lose it because they stopped serving NC? (This is New Jersey, no one has this problem. Go back to your sad life in North Carolina.) Have you ever had so much coffee that your poop actually turned brown? (Idk man, I’m pretty sure I’m color blind.) Every time my mom calls me nowadays, it’s to complain about my dad. (Are you complaining to me about complaining? I don’t care about you.)
COME TO OUR FUCKING MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN ROOM 439 OF THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER THERE MIGHT BE ACTUAL FUCKING THIS WEEK.
I am about to graduate college and finally had my most important lesson, Power Bottoms. (That’s great! Now pretty soon you’ll be an experienced pro.)
RU REVIEW
BY: SOME DUMB FRESHMAN this school is the best becuase it has caring teachers. the teachers actually treat u like they are there sons or daughter and not just like another student. the teachers are alway exciting. you may say our school may lack the academics. but do u no why we get all the ESL students and that is why parents think JP is a better students. well i love RUTGERS UNIVERSITY it is like a 2nd family to me. we may not be perfect well nothings perfect.
STFU NEWARK Guidos suck. (What exactly is a Guido, someone please explain this to me.) I hate when Newark students who think that they are also part of New Brunswick. No. They are completely different schools. Different requirements, different mascots. And Newark kids just plain suck. (I hear Newark kids can’t read. And they don’t even know who Bill Moyers is.) I sometimes pretend to be gay to get free condoms at Tillet. (I think the gay community has enough problems without your shitty ass taking their condoms from them.)
Please Stop Motherfucking jessie eisenburg shit dont even know who invented facebook all i know is the guy who played the guy who invented facebook muther fucking jessie eisenberg spirderman who the fuck invented facebook!? (I’m just gonna ignore most of this and call you a fucking idiot.) What is it called when you can ignire a pile of carbon nanotubes? A car bonfire. (Please stop making science jokes I don’t understand them.) I guess Barchi has to get the Pope for the 251st. Good luck.
Rutgers used to have a college called University College. How uncreative can a school possibly be?
(No one gives a fuck about the 251st. We’ll probably get Jim McGreevey. Yeah I don’t know who that is either.)
(We also have a campus called College Ave...Rutgers sucks. It really does.)
I have a friend who wants to beat the shit out of a goose. Like wants to get into a legitimate fight with a bird.
Fuck Landen.
(Seriously, fuck Landen. (If he can cook it after killing it, then he is a winner.) And his beanie.) Obama is gay as hell!!!! (I always knew he and Biden seemed a little TOO close. Smh. This is why we need Trump-Cruz 2016!!!)
Now that the weather is getting warmer do I really have to shave my legs? (Shaving is fucking awful, don’t do it.)
Wednesday April 20th 2016 themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
the Medium
“We need more school shooting jokes...”
INCREDIBLY OBSCURE PRODUCT REVIEW
HOLY SHIT, RUNOFF! Al Jazeera
Saint-Gobain Norpro 4.7mm Alumina Catalyst Support This catalyst support is very commonly used for many industrial reactions used in the petrochemical industry. Although the support particles have a great porosity value, their surface area to weight ratio, a measly 0.02 square meters per gram, makes them much less useful in terms of absorbed catalyst mass. Overall, while they may not be ideal for reactions requiring a high concentration of catalyst, their low price and high porosity makes these particles a decent choice for small to medium scale reactions at lower concentrations.
OVERALL RATING: 3/5 Spherical Particles
...continued from News
...that the cancelation came as no shock. “Well aside from their name sounding like an Al Qaeda cell, these folks missed the fundamental A-B-C’s of American broadcasting. Animals, Black violence, and Kardashians are the cornerstones of American news and they missed on all marks by doing stories on ‘world politics’ and ‘global issues’, two things the American people couldn’t care about less. Heck, we are in one of the most divided presidential races in post-Civil War and preMarvel Civil War American history and they have the gall to not call a single candidate a communist or fascist baby killer. It is just so unprofessional.” Al Jazeera has said that they regret the loss of the American division and hope the now-unemployed reporters are successful with whatever blog they launch following the closure. Al Jazeera America’s last broadcast will air April 30th and promises to include minimal drunken rants and crying news correspondents. The online component of Al Jazeera America will go out with one last article, titled “Fuck All Y’all Bitches!”, an interesting perspective on the 2016 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Y’ALL NEED JESUS Take Back the Night
...continued from News
...and asked if I would be willing to pull down my pants and participate in...carnal relations. I agreed to and they brought me to behind some bushes. Then they started to give me a handjob. At first I was hesitant, but since they asked so politely and since I wanted to help take back the night, I agreed. Then one whispered in my ear and requested that I choke her. As a feminist, I had to accomodate. One sat on my face and although I couldn’t confirm her reasons because my mouth was otherwise occupied, her intentions seemed clear at this point. We went on for a couple of minutes and I soon had to ask them, ‘Where may I jizz?’ Overall, I really enjoyed it and they were incredibly kind the entire time. And I didn’t have to do anything I wasn’t comfortable doing. I wish my ex-girlfriend would have asked permission before thumbing my anus.” At the end of the night, the leaders of WOAH and the attendees of the event all went to get a postcoital meal, agreeing that the entire event was a success.
SHUTTLECOCK FIGHT Badminton
...continued from Sports
Half of the audience was gone by the time the players started up again, leaving approximately 6 people watching the rest of the game. “It wasn’t the craziest Badminton game I’ve ever seen,” said long time fan Ernie Johnson. GYMNASSTICS Gymnasts
...continued from Sports
“Flaunt it if you got it, baby,” said club gymnast Sasha Anderson. “My floor routine is now just me jutting out my hip and shaking my ass to the judges. They love it, and now I get perfect scores. Plus, I have more fans than ever.” The incredible asses of each Rutgers club gymnast has taken away attention to anyone’s breasts, but reports indicate such attention is soon to come.
Are you funny? Are you going anywhere in life?
HOT DEAL ALERT!
Buy our shirts. They don’t actually look like this. They’re purple, and they don’t say “Your Logo” on them. Seriously though, we need your money. Don’t make us beg.
If you answered NO to either question, COME WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM! Meetings Mondays and Wednesdays! CASC Media Room (4th Floor) at 8:00PM
april 20th 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com WOW. JUST WOW. JUST, WOW. LOOK AT THAT ASS.
BREAKING: RUTGERS CLUB GYMNASTICS HAS SOME SERIOUS ASS BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF ASS MAN
NEW BRUNSWICK— News broke over the weekend of the Rutgers gymnastics team’s collective amount of plump ass at the National Association of Intercollegiate Gymnastics Clubs in Sacramento, California. Rutgers placed sixth in the competition, but overwhelmed the other schools in both quantity and quality of ass. “We are proud of the amount of ass we get to flaunt at each competition,” said April Abrams. “Now we are finally being recognized for our godgiven accomplishment.” The awe inspiring Rutgers club gymnastics ass had previously gone surprisingly unnoticed, but their dominating performance at the NAIGC brought each member’s tight
After news broke of the serious amount of ass the Rutgers club gymnastics team has, University students came out in scores to celebrate the team’s performance at the NAIGC. “Wait they placed?” said junior Greg Jacobson. “I just saw all the pictures of their asses online. Oh my fucking god. I’m such an ass man now. I mean wow. Just, wow.” Scores of students can now backsides to the forefront. unfair advantage, but placing be seen at club gymnastics practices with signs of support “I was just like, wow. It was sixth quashed those concerns. amazing,” said NAIGC judge James Madison University, and high-quality cameras for Donatus Jorgensenn. “I just gave who came in third place and also extreme close-up shots. Now seen as an advantage, them 10s and hoped nobody has a lot of nice asses, allegedly would see my erection.” loosened Rutgers leotards as to the mouthwatering amount of Other schools reportedly lessen the bodacious appearance ass is often incorporated into worried the staggering amount of each ass in hopes to curtail routines. Continued on A7 of Rutgers ass would act as an biased and distracted judging.
Badminton players fuck each other in the ass with rackets
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: OBAMA vs. MOYERS
BY SUE DENIMM OBSCURE SPORTS REPORTER
-Don't talk about Trump ; he has a surprising amount of support here.
-Appeal to student's youth by using words like "dank" and "swag".
-You and the students have just gotten through the toughest 8 years of your lives. Use that connection.
-Act like everyone's loveable grandfather by falling asleep on stage and saying something quasi-racist.
-Borrow Bernie's bird for the day.
-Remind everyone what you've done, because nobody knows who you are.
- Try not to laugh when talking about America's bright future. -Throw around some big words. Students will respect you.
-Say you were the second shooter. -Have fun with it, because you're the opening act.
PISCATAWAY—Things got out of control Wednesday during the Thomas Cup tournament when the players of the Denmark vs. England match suddenly arranged in a circle, bent over, and shoved their rackets up the anal cavity of the player to their left. It was toward the end of the second game of the match when the incident occurred, according to sources. “The game was going fine, until they all just started fucking in the middle of a volley”, said court referee Matthew Wilson. The players all seemed to be focused on the game, until the Denmark server Joachim Fischer Nielsen yelled “IN POSITION!”, signaling all the players for the backend racket shuttlecock clusterfuck.
Audience members were left stunned, and parents quickly jumped to cover their children’s eyes so as to not subject them to the optimized view of the exposed buttocks. Refs scrambled to try to pry the rackets out of the players’ anuses, but to no avail. The buff, well-toned athletes outmuscled the refs and were completely unphased by their attempts to stop the robot-like fuckery, coldly persisting in their coordinated, smooth, backand-forth shoving motions. The ass blasting eventually stopped after 15 minutes when the players simultaneously returned to their team positions, using the bloody rackets to hit the shuttlecock during the same volley. Continued on A7
wishing rutgers had local sports channels SINCE 1970