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April 26th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue XII 50¢ MOVE ASIDE, PENN STATE
'BUTGERS DAY' ACCIDENTALLY PRINTED ON RUTGERS DAY T-SHIRTS RADIO RAHEEM BUTT PUN ENTHUSIAST
NEW BRUNSWICK— In an unfortunate slip-up, Rutgers Student Involvement accidentally printed “Butgers Day” on every single T-shirt for the massive event this weekend. This is a massive PR nightmare for Rutgers, who will no doubt have to scramble to try to fix this enormous mistake before Saturday. “We’re well and truly fucked here,” says President Barchi. “We almost half of our annual budget on these shirts, so we can't just reorder them.” Ideally, Rutgers would just
WHATUPGERS Well that's a giant fucking mistake
order new shirts with the correct misprinted shirts, ordering the logo. However, because half the same amount of shirts again annual budget was spent on the would cut the rest of the budget. Continued on Page 2
FUCK OFF, KAREN!
Sean Spicer Writes Children's Book BARBARA NOT WALTERS EYEBROW EXPERT
WASHINGTON D.C.-National Press Secretary Sean Spicer is preparing to branch out from his White House position, and has started by writing his very own children’s book. The 8-page picture book, titled “Chicken Soup for the Repressed Soul,” has been a passion project for Spicer. “As a kid, I never read any books that I felt were relatable I mean come on, ‘The Giving Tree,’ ‘Charlotte’s Web,” fucking ‘Night’ by Elie Wiesel?! How could anyone expect me to relate to that? That’s why I wrote my book I wanted little angry white kids across the country to understand the pain of not being able to speak a proper sentence,”
QUICKIES
White Boy Wonders Why Brown Girls Don't Message Him Back on Tinder Guy Helps Fight the Gender Wage Gap By Giving Homeless Woman A Dollar Student Forgets He's 100 Credits Short For Graduating Opinion: Brower Has the Best Red Powerade Pistachio Voted Worst On the Go Snack
Spicer said in a long, drawn out statement. Spicer has been under fire lately for controversial statements made during his press conferences, and many
have suspected that his time as Press Secretary is coming to an end. Acknowledging such, Spicer apparently decided that Continued on Page 2
INTERSECTIONAL Since 1970
Wealthy 12 Year Old Yellow Lab Marries 3 Year Old Bitch
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday,April 26th
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"Yo girl I'm worth 8 goats"
CUDDLE CORNER
F(L)IGHT CLUB
Man Hesitant to Go Back Man Removed From United To Big Spoon After Wild, Airlines Plane in Mid Flight statement defending the actions SPECTRAL GUMBALL Accidental Night As Little of the airplane law enforcement. NOT KENNY G :( “A few years back, some Spoon NEW YORK-Paying unrelated guy also named Fred GRIND ALL RELATED TO KENNY G
NEW JERSEY- Local man Dan Bahru recently experienced the heaven that is being the little spoon while cuddling. Reports say that Bahru was sleeping over his girlfriend, Cecilia Bank’s house last Saturday when the event took place. Apparently in the middle of night Bahru got up to go to the bathroom. The movement ended up disturbing Banks just slightly enough for her to roll over. When Bahru returned to his normal spot in the bed he found himself in the little spoon position. “At first I didn’t know what to do,” said Bahru. “Should I flip her over? Should I just go back to my normal position and face back-to-back with her?” After a couple moments of deliberation Bahru hesitantly slide into bed at the little spoon. Almost immediately Banks reached out her arms in her sleep and pulled Bahru to her chest, completing the little spoon event. “The first moment of being little spoon was shocking to say the least,” continued Bahru. “All of the sudden I was surrounded with this warmth and sense of security. I almost started crying”.
Bahru reportedly spent the next 30 minutes reveling in the newfound sensation of little spoon all while trying to suppress emotions he has not felt since he was last hugged by his father 10 years ago. He was also apparently silently cursing out his girlfriend for keeping the amazingness of the little spoon a secret for all these years. Had she been awake she would have heard him murmuring “selfish” under his breath before snuggling his back into her stomach further. This feeling of total bliss did not last forever though. After awaking the next morning to his girlfriend getting ready for the day, the overwhelming realization that he would have to, again, go back to being the big spoon set in. “I don’t know if I can do it,” he sighed. “I mean after an experience like that? How the hell am I supposed to go back to feeling the cold air of loneliness hitting my back?” Bahru is reportedly still trying to figure out how to manipulate his girlfriend’s sleeping position each night so that he can go back to being the little spoon without the confrontation with his girlfriend.
BIG MESS BUTGERS There would be no athletics, no theatre performances, scientific research, or money for student clubs. A student representative declined to comment on the exact amount that was spent but implied that it was well over $500,000 since they splurged on
...continued from front
shirts made of Mexican alpaca hair. Student Involvement is looking into changing the annual event to Butgers Day to accommodate for the eyewateringly asinine amount of money they spent on these shirts.
Editor-in-Chief Editorial Managing Editor Staff Business Manager SPRING 2017 Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein
Andrew Blustein Fratypus
United Airlines customer Fred Mulgrew was forcibly shoved out of the window of a United Airlines airplane as a result of the flight being overbooked. At the time, the airplane was thousands of feet above Carlyle, Pennsylvania. Police response to Mulgrew’s refusal to leave was to break both of his legs, gouge his left eye out, set his genitals on fire, and force him to listen to a Justin Bieber album. “It was horrific. I tried to ignore the scene and relax, but I could still hear the screams, smell the fire, and worst of all, I heard a tone deaf woman singing about babies.” Said United passenger Carly Napoli. United Airlines issued a
robbed a liquor store. That justifies our actions.” Explains United Airlines C.E.O. Oscar Munoz. Munoz claimed to be pleasantly surprised at the degree of depravity his workers showed in a company email. “The Bieber album was a nice touch. I never would’ve thought of that.” Munoz said. Mulgrew’s corpse was discovered in a Pennsylvanian farm, when he fell on a cow. The cow was rushed to a vet, and is expected to make a full recovery. “We asked Mr. Mulgrew to leave nicely, but he refused.” Said Airline Police Officer Oliver Reddin. “So we threw him off the plane. After torturing him.”
ARE YOU GAY? DO YOU JUST APPRECIATE THE RAINBOW? DO YOU NOT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW HARD WE WORKED TO MAKE SURE THESE FUCKING BARS LOOKED GOOD?? COME TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAY RSC @ 7:45
NIGHTMARE ON WASHINGTON DR CHILDREN'S BOOK now was the time to get his book published, despite everyone around him begging him not to. “Chicken Soup for the Repressed Soul” chronicles the quest of a pudgy, red-faced young boy as he searches for a bowl of chicken soup not made at a Chinese restaurant. “I truly hope that my book becomes a success, and is taught in various concentration camps News Editors Aly Grindall James Mullen III Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
...continued from front
wait shit, that’s not what I meant obviously I mean Holocaust Centers, I hear kids learn a lot at those place and I fully support them in every way someone please help me I cannot stop talking this has been a constant problem my entire life is this punishment for not reading ‘Anne Frank’ as a kid oh fuck fuck.” Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Trip Billings Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Australian Buses
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to howmanygoats.com
Wednesday, April 26th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“I think that’s my butthole”
HE’LL BE YOUR FATHER
HIGH FASHION
The Young Pimp
By: Girl Who Likes Brower In this new HBO special, we follow the rise of a young American man up the mob power-ladder. Lenny is your avarage arrogant pimp. His collection of gold crosses and Christianthemed attire rivals your Catholic uncle. To maintain authority, Lenny likes to be called Blessed Father and used his power to manipulate the people with lower rank. He seems to have a complex about being a vessel of god.
FAIL ENTHUSIASTICALLY
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill
DRINK UP
COMMUNAL BATHROOM ETIQUETTE By: Nifty Knitter
-Don’t poop while people are brushing their teeth -Don’t use the last square of toilet paper -Don’t leave drips of menstrual blood on the toilet and floor
Hobo or Hipster? MAKE IT END REALLY QUICK
5 Word Phrases That Will End Your First Date By Swiffer
This date is now over Your mom is my daughter I like explicit gay incest College Avenue Players are talented Moist moist moist moist moist This restaurant has great orangutan I like to watch anime I eat bananas in public Pens make great dildos, mom My specialty is geriatric misogyny Kill your first born child I liked your first birth I enjoyed your birthing video Eugenics are completely evolutionarily necessary I’m gonna hijack your plane Dank memes melt your beams Refuah Shleimah(get better in Hebrew) to your face Giraffes have the biggest dicks Slap me in the face
THE MEDIUM
-Make sure the toilet flushes -Leave the windows open if you stink up the bathroom -There is NO REASON to bring paper towels into the shower -Wash your hands after you pee -Don’t hog the shower with hot water -Don’t blast your terrible music in the shower and don’t think about singing
Quality humor at a quality price
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 26th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“When he’s cutting vegetables, he should not be in conversation.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are you doing for Rutgers Day?
“Shitty caricatures. Check out our booth. ” Robert Blumenthal Medium Staff Member
“Going to Penn State to get white girl wasted.” Brittany Kessel Fuck(ed by) Penn State.
“Getting fucked in the ass on the Voorhees Mall.” Jane Johnson Part of Rutgers Kink Society and Exhibitionist Club.
THE GOOD LORD WOULD WANT IT THAT WAY
I’VE FOUND A NEW WAY TO STAY A VIRGIN BY ROBIN MICHELLE
I’m a good Catholic girl, and as a result, I refuse to have sex before I get married. Only my husband will take my virginity, none of these walking meatsticks that you see around campus and at frat parties. The Bible says that I can not have sex so I will not! Of course this isn’t exactly what my boyfriend wants to hear, he wants to put it in me right now and cum all over my body, and I can’t blame him. I know of the loophole that everyone uses, and yes my boyfriend does fuck me in the ass. But you know what? It’s painful! He never uses lube, because lube is Satan’s precum, and so as a result, I can’t have him fuck me in the bum anymore, because of all the tearing. There’s so much blood down there now. But fear not, I believe I’ve found a solution that keeps my hymen intact, and keeps my boyfriend happy. So my fellow Catholic girls listen up! The past week, whenever my boyfriend has asked me to get him off, I’ve gone and picked up a cantaloupe and placed it in the microwave. Then, after about 5 minutes, I take it out and cut a cylindrical hole in it. Finally, I squeeze my thighs together to keep the melon between my legs and I guide my boyfriend slobbering cock into the hole. He thrusts back and forth and back and forth, while I stay stationary, moving is a sin! And finally when he cums, I look at him and smile a wry smile before emptying the hole’s contents into my mouth.
FORK YOUR RULES
I SNUCK SILVERWARE INTO MEDIEVAL TIMES BY YAGNESH PATEL
I should not be alive. I seriously should not be alive, but here I am. I am a risk taker, and this weekend I took a risk that was incredibly dumb. I snuck silverware into Medieval Times. I’m guilty of this transgression but do not hold it against me, it was on a dare. My friend Daniel said to me, “Dude, bring silverware in or you’re a total fucking pussy,” so I did it. It was terrifying, and such an adrenaline rush. The King came out and he scanned the audience, I swear he stopped and stared at me for a moment, he could totally sense that I was carrying a 4 tined eating implement. When dinner came around, I snuck out my fork and dug in. Multiple times I swear a squire came around and looked at me, and I had to hide it on my person. But I survived, I escaped that hell castle with a full stomach and with my fork in hand, with an extended middle finger, a fuck you to the forkless king, and with blood rushing all throughout me. I felt like I had just skydived off a cliff while jerking off. I felt ALIVE!
FUCK BITCHES
IN VITRO FERTILIZATION WILL FURTHER FEMINISM BY DAN HERMAN
Ok, I’ll explain. If women can have eggs implanted into their uterus and they can choose the gender of the baby, then feminists will only have girl babies because they don’t like men. And I just don’t think that’s right. Also, if that happens there will be too many women to marry and then the population could become single and that would be a public health crisis. And to add also more, there are a lot of women, then like political opinions can change because you know, women are more liberal so it might mess up the politics. That leads to less diversity. But, back to my point, I just don’t think a woman should choose to have like 35 twin girls that’s not what science is about. I know that many people in here might disagree with me, but I don’t care. Have a good day, bye.
WOW. I ALMOST FILLED THE ENTIRE PAGE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M PROUD! YOU SHOULD BE PROUD TOO! COME TO A MEETING ON WEDNESDAYS IN CASC 411B FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN. OR ON A MONDAY IN LSC 117D. I SWEAR WE’RE FUN. WELL...MOST OF US. ALSO, I HAVEN’T CHANGED THE FORMAT OF THIS PAGE SINCE SEPTEMBER. BUT I AM AN ARTIST. DON’T COMPLAIN.
Wednesday, April 26th, 2017
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“BUCKET LIST’’ BY DICK TONER
ARTS
“I’m just trying to get laid on my birthday”
“SAD PENIS” BY MIKE HAWK
GUYS MY BIRTHDAY IS ON SATURDAY SO COME TO THE MEDIUM THIS WEDNESDAY IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! I WONT BE THERE BUT SAY YOU WANT TO WISH ‘DICK TONER’ HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND YOU WILL BE ENTERED IN TO WIN A CHANCE TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY WITH ME.
“SEXTING” BY MIKE HAWK
“FUCK CIRCLES” BY MIKE HAWK
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium NEVER
SEEN
I’ve noticed in some commercials that involve families they make the black family smart and happy and the white family dopey and confused. (Recasting stereotypes! OBAMA!!! YEAH!!!!)
Being on multiple forms of currency is sick.
The two party system is so stupid. Especially when both sides think they’re right and have the exact opposite views of each other.
(Ew.)
Did you know it costs $1000 for a root canal and then another $500 for a crown but they will extract your tooth for 60 bucks. (Hilarious billing. If it’s 60 bucks and they fuck it up you can’t even get mad because you got what you paid for.) (For 60 bucks, I would be astonished if they’re not using a car and a string.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“I’d rather masturbate than get a handjob.”
I’VE
Just watched part of the transgender animation on the Caitlyn Jenner Snapstory. Haunting stuff.
Wednesday, April 26th, 2017
(Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson. Lincoln got snubbed with the penny. Hamilton being on the ten is kind of swag.) Being wrongly convicted must be an insane thing. (You know your innocent but the system just fucks you. It kinda depends on who you are too. If I were black and on trial and I was around but not guilty I’d be so scared the court was going to make me guilty.) Kinda sounds like Jesus wanted to do all this and no one really asked for these services since everyone was rejecting him anyway. (Christ has come. Christ has risen. Christ will come again.) (That’s a real chorus line.)
STEPH CURRY
(That’s why the American Dream is such a fraud. It’s narrative allegiance. People who are pro abortion or pro gay or pro healthcare vote Republican against their own interests because they align with the version of the supposed American Dream that conservatives radiate. Hence poor whites aka bitter class vote for Trump even though he’s going to fuck them in their ass because he will supposedly return greatness to everyone, speaking directly to the people who are middle to lower class that got skipped in the prosperity of 2010s.) (I’ve been on a real news kick lately. Stay woke.) My Easter mass was running late so I had to be there longer than I needed to be. And we got there hella early to begin with for “good seats”. Like it’s a fucking movie. I guess it basically is a movie. Highly dramatized acting. Tickets were free tho that’s pretty chill. Wow 8 minutes late. Did he forget to resurrect or?) (Tickets were free. Donations expected. He was probably hot boxing the tomb.) (Also, I don’t know how factual this is but I read that Bethlehem was nearby a hallucinogenic mushrooms field and the chemicals had the capacity to seep into the water. So everyone was tripping sack at the last supper.)
Q: WHAT’S THE WORST SNACK ON THE GO?
A: PISTACHIOS
A
NEW MOON
Aaron Hernandez jokes are too fucking easy already it’s sad. (Hernandez’s lawyer: We can get you out if you take a contract with the Browns. Hernandez: Okay, I’ll be right back.
There is a time and place for crop dusting. A computer lab is not one of them.
(Hernandez probably still getting signed before Kaepernick.)
(Tom Brady can still probably get 50/750 and 8 TD’s out of Hernandez.) (Aaron Hernandez was bisexual. That one wasn’t a joke.) Malcolm in the Middle is sneaky good. (Bryan Cranston. Greatest American actor ever.)
(People need to learm the proper etiquette of farting in public.) You know what’s really weird? Yawns being contagious. (You know what’s really annoying? Kim Kardashian probably thinks she’s smart. But yeah, the human brain.) How long does one stay in Iowa for? (Depends on how crazy the person is.) (But if you’re lucky the plane breaks down and you never go.)
I kinda love crop dusting people. (Nice. That’s really disgusting, but okay.) I was supposed to present on the first day of presentations for a class and I have successfully bullshitted my way to present on the last day of presentations.
Come to our meetings on Wednesday’s, 7:45pm at the RSC. Cus why not?
(You should get extra credit for pulling that off.) I was unaware it was common courtesy to leave a note after you commit suicide. How selfish of society to expect a note after someone kills themselves. (Well you can’t exactly explain yourself after the fact.)
MY FRIEND TOLD ME TO SAY FUCK YOU KRISTEN, SO HERE IT IS. GO FUCK YOURSELF, KRISTEN. IF YOU’RE NAME IS KRISTEN AND YOU’RE A THOT THIS IS PROBABLY DIRECTED TO YOU.
Wednesday April 26th, 2017
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PAGE A7
“Bringing you our version of reality whether you like it or not”
the Medium
Corbin Bleu In Awkward Situations!
Uh oh, here’s Corbin Bleu acting as a public defender in a robbery case, only he hasn’t spent eight years studying law!
Look at Corbin Bleu protesting at a vegan rally. Too bad he doesn’t share their ideals and values! Oh no! Here’s Corbin Bleu speaking at Aaron Hernandez’s funeral, but he has no personal anecdotes to share with the funeral goers due to not having a real intimate connection with Aaron Hernandez OR his family! Oi vey!
Horoscopes ^Aries|March 21-April 19
Friends and family will all rush to your side when you are diagnosed with a rare form of genital cancer, but mainly to take photos to post on the internet.
_Taurus|April 20-May 20
dLibra|September 23-October 22
Listen, stop using a collegiate satirical newspaper’s horoscope section as your moral barometer. The View exists for a reason.
eScorpio|October 23-November 21
Deforestation has made it difficult for tree speaking alien life to Your basic human ability to do any sort of simple mathematics communicate with mankind. Try burying yourself in the ground with will come under scrutiny when you realize that you’ve had 11 fingers this regular waterings every 4 days to achieve transcendence. whole time.
`Gemini|May 21-June 21
fSagittarius|November 22-December 21
While it may seem like a great idea to send a 4 hour video You seem to have a pretty good handle on life at the moment, but compilation of you punching yourself in the face to the Library of don’t get too cocky; bullsharks can sense a drop of confidence from 5 miles Congress for archival, but I can tell you from experience that they don't away! appreciate fine art.
aCancer|June 22-July 22
gCapricorn|December 22-January 19 Move three paces left. Face the North star and walk forward for Aurora Borealis will make a grand entrance in the night sky on 316 nautical miles. Stop. Dig directly underneath where you’re standing. your birthday to warn you that red pants with an orange top may not be That is where you will find that the treasure was friendship all along. such a great idea.
bLeo|July 23-August 22
Man, you really push the boundary for what the definition of a human being is. However, your webbed feet and vestigial tail make you an easy target for actual human bullies!
cVirgo|August 23-September 22
hAquarius|January 20-February 18
It doesn’t take a psychic to realize that you take pleasure from the little things in life. So things are going to get complicated when a machine gun wielding elephant makes an appearance in your life.
The position of Mercury on Friday will cause an unexpected burst iPisces|February 19-March 20 Try putting yourself in another person’s shoes for a little while, in intelligence for about an hour. It’s too bad you’ve been dumb for so you may find that you have been doing footwear this whole time. long that you’ll just use your new found power to laugh at ants.
April 26th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com FIELD OF BROKEN DREAMS
FOOTBALL PRACTICE FIELD CONFISCATED UNTIL TEAM BEHAVES ITSELF MAXIMUM POWERS SLOWLY LOSING IT
NEW BRUNSWICK— Spring training has gotten off to a rocky start at Rutgers. After a disagreement involving players and coaches got out of hand, management decided to take away the football practice field until the two sides can play nice with each other. The argument was said to have begun when a player accidently ran into a coach during practice, causing the forty-year-old father to get a sizable bruise on his hip and run crying to management that the incident occurred on purpose. This accusation sparked a heated debate on the event with hurtful slurs like “poopy head” and “butt muncher” were thrown at one another. Seeing the volatile nature of the discord, management at Rutgers told both players and coaches to
Paved Paradise Workers finish moving the last of the grass to a higher location.
go their respective rooms and calm down, after seeing little change in the situation after a juice and snack break the heads of the football committee decided to take
drastic measures and remove the practice field from Rutgers grounds. Coach Jim “Jimmy” Cooter told The Medium, “This is such crap! That field
is more our field than theirs, we’ve had it for longer. God I wish the school never had these kids join the team.” The field has been removed from the campus and has been placed up in a higher elevation until the athletic department deems the coaches and players have made up and can be friends again. When asked about the loss of the field many players replied through tears that “It’s not fair. They totally started it by blabbing. We said we were sorry so many times, but they won’t believe us.” While not making an official comment on the matter, Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs remarked “Jesus Christ, again?” He then took off his jacket, grabbed a six pack, and sat to watch TV while ignoring the screams and cries of the players and coaches.
THE INVISIBLE KILLER
NHL AD D S C LAY A I K E N TO BA NNED SUBSTANCES THROB LOWE WANTS IT THAT WAY
NEW YORK— The National Hockey League announced that they will be adding music by Clay Aiken to their list of banned substances. Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters in a conference on Monday that “The National Hockey League is an institution with a storied history. To protect the legacy and the future of the sport of hockey, we will be adding music by Clay Aiken to our list of banned substances.” Bettman continued to say that the amendment will become effective after the post-season has ended. Research from a thirdparty group of analysts shows that players who test positive for Clay Aiken are on average
less productive on the ice, and more prone to injury. To test whether a play has been listening to Clay Aiken’s music, doctors will softly play the song “Invisible” in the background of the waiting room. If a player quietly hums the chorus or taps along to the beat, doctors mark them
his soft eyes.” Repercussions for a positive test are severe. The first time a player violates the new amendment they will suspended indefinitely for 20 games. The second time a player is caught listening to Clay Aiken they will be suspended for the rest of the season. While harsh, the rule is justified according to Penguins star Sidney Crosby. “When I broke my jaw as positive. Columbus Blue Jackets back in 2013 it was totally head coach John Tortorella preventable. I’ll admit it, I told reporters, “I think the was singing along to Clay in ban is good. I know damn my head when I got hurt. If well that my players don’t I had been paying attention I listen to Clay Aiken. We would have been fine. I’m on don’t need guys out on the board with the new rule, since ice underperforming because it’ll help protect the younger they’re daydreaming about guys coming into the league."
Keeping Whitey Down SInce 1970