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april 5th, 2017
Volume LIII Issue IX 50¢ DO IT FOR THE KIDS MAN
RUTGERS FINALLY RAISES 10% OF WHAT PENN STATE DOES FOR DANCE MARATHON RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHTISH THING
PISCATAWAY—After only 18 years in existence, RUDM has finally hit its mark, raising a record $1 million for the kids. This monumental success comes just days after Penn State officially raised over $10 million, which is by no means even close to a record for them. The annual dancingfundraising marathon is a cherished tradition at both Rutgers and Penn State, along with many other college campuses throughout the United Continued on Page 2
Elle King is White? And Rob Schneider's Daughter!
Straight Male Drinks Fruity Drink and is NOT Gay Guy Dies at Olive Garden From Eating Endless Fettuccine Alfredo
SO CLOSE Good try Rutgers! But let's save the confetti for when we've earned it.
THE NEW KIM K
Girl Breaks Internet by Posting Update on Post Grad Plans
GRIND ALL HAS NO FUTURE
NEW BRUNSWICK—On Monday night, college senior Meghan Tulson stopped the world with her Earth-shattering Facebook post about her postgraduate plans. Posted at 7:43 pm, the status read: “So excited to announce that I will be continuing my journey to become a children’s speech pathologist at Montclair State University :)”. Within 5 minutes the post had practically broken the Internet. “There was so much traffic on this one post,” said Facebook representative Don Nelson. “Our servers just couldn’t handle all of the likes and comments! We had to shut the site down for about ten minutes
QUICKIES
Opinion: Barstool is the Worst Chair This Just In: Band of Horses Not Actually A Band of Horses Freshman Chasing After LX Gets Hit By REXL
until the server rebooted”. In the initial five minutes the post had amassed 113 likes and 47 comments that ranged from “congrats!” to full essays by one
overly expressive aunt who just knew that Meghan was going to be working with children even when she was just a baby.
K-POPPIN'! Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
Fry-curious Guy Ready To Go For Curly Fries
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NEWS
“How's your 'Oh shit Trump is actually President' day going?”
PB&J AND FLUFF ANYONE??
Sandwich At Point Where Next Bite in Serious Question WALTER CRONKITE JR JUST ANOTHER JEW
LIVINGSTON, NJ—A sandwich at the Livingston Mall was recently found to be eaten to a confusing point, where there was no clear spot for a next bite. Security footage surfaced Tuesday morning of Tom Harrelson, 37, ordering a Burger King Crispy Chicken Sandwich at the mall’s food court. Halfway through eating the sandwich, there was no clear spot for a next bite, as it had now come to a perplexing half-moon shape. The security footage showed there was only bun and wilted lettuce on each side of the sandwich, commonly known as the “bailout bite”, making a nosh there pointless and dissatisfying. The footage also showed Harrelson contemplating a bite slightly off-center on either side, but he nixed the idea as that strategy likely would have slid the mayonnaise-coated ingredients off the buns, seriously compromising the structural integrity of the sandwich and future finger-tip cleanliness, as the sandwich would have
needed to be rearranged. “I thought I was doing a good job up to that point, leaving myself clear spots to take my next bite as I went along,” Harrelson told reporters. “Then, out of nowhere, I didn’t know what to do next. In the middle was such a tantalizing bite; everything in the sandwich surrounded a nice meaty morsel of chicken. But you never bite right into the middle when the sandwich is in a semi-circle like that. That’s nonsense.” According to multiple eye witnesses who corroborated Harrelson’s statement , the only satisfying bite on the sandwich was one taken from right in the middle. “That was the only clear choice,” said Pamela Robertson, who rewarded herself with some Cinnabon BonBites after a long day of thinking about buying clothing only to leave a wake of unfolded, disheveled racks and displays in her path. “At that point you have to just go for it. That one bite will slightly push everything back into place, and you’ll be home free.”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager SPRING 2017 Mascot
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein
Andrew Blustein Fratypus
themedium.news@gmail.com
FTK
DANCE MARATHON States. However, Penn State happens to be approximately ten times better at it on a relatively average year than we are on our best year. Reports have surfaced that Penn State’s football team may be better than ours as a direct result of the amount of children they save in comparison to us. Critics have said that their
...continued from front
football team does much more damage to children than good for them, and they have to raise that much more money to make up for it. It’s not clear at this point whether there is any merit to these reports, but what is clear is that children potentially dying is preferable to attending the Pennsylvania State University.
GAMER BROS
Man Loses Taste Buds by Licking Nintendo Switch Cartridge SPECTRAL GUMBALL RESIDENT ADULT
NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers junior Brandon Smith has permanently lost all function in his taste buds following an incident with the Nintendo Switch, the newest console/ portable hybrid. All cartridges for the Nintendo Switch are coated in denatonium benzoate, which is the bitterest substance known to humanity and the third bitterest substance known to alligators. This is primarily to protect the cartridges from drunk people. “It’s always been a tradition for me to lick the first game of every console I buy. When I YOU GO MEGHAN licked Zelda, my tongue was POST GRAD BREAKS INTERNET ...continued from front immediately assaulted by a bitter taste. It was almost as bad “I’m just so overwhelmed,” the post had 1,207 likes and as the time I tried analingus,” said Tulson’s Facebook friend 304 comments. This just barely said Smith. Smith has been vigorously Carol Sanchez. “I haven’t talked surpassed her post from four or even thought about Meghan years prior which detailed since high school but dammit if I her acceptance to Rutgers wasn’t excited to hear about her University. post-graduate plans!” Tulson graciously responded Other estranged and to comments by liking posts and forgotten friends seemed to share writing multiple "Thank you so the same sentiments. Multiple much!" comments. sources stated how they’ve just The Medium will continue been on the edge of their seats to stay on top of Tulson’s plans waiting to hear Tulson’s plans. and will provide further updates The post continued to as to how her new house, dog, generate attention for the next and eventual new boyfriend are. 24 hours. By the end of Tuesday
Editorial Staff
Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
News Editors Aly Grindall James Mullen III Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
licking every object he has wanted to lick over the years, but chose not to because of the possible taste, to make the most of his condition. So far he has licked grass, a dining hall worker, a dead squirrel, a live squirrel, an elevator, his grandmother, a twenty dollar bill, himself, and calamari. “His sense of taste hasn’t improved, and to be frank, it most likely won’t,” said Smith’s doctor, Dr. Joe, M.D. Despite losing all sense of taste, Smith has admitted that he is still uncomfortable with the concept of putting mustard in his mouth. He continues to eat soft pretzels plain. Smith plans to lick an electrical outlet next, as he has always been curious of the resulting tingling sensation that would follow.
Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor Not Evan Hutchins Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Summer's Yves
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to our resident douche: torrential downpours every fucking other day
Wednesday, April 5th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
“My body is gonna literally be all potato by the end of next week”
CUTTING IT CLOSE
How much you have to shave to wear varying pants styles and be accepted by society:
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THE PLOT THICKENS AND SO DOES THE FUR
Summer’s coming ladies, get ready by only shaving the minimal amount necessary
Mini-skirt: the whole leg Shorter shorts: mid thigh Bermuda shorts: knees
Beauty and the Beast Movie Analysis/Review By Elizabeth Jones Comparative Lit. Major
Capris: calf
Cuffed jeans: ankle
MANSCAPES
The new, hot Disney remake of the moment takes place in a small village in 18th century France with a cast including a furry, anthropomorphized furniture andhousehold items, a flamboyant homosexual, a hypermasculine narcissist and a girl who is considered odd because she is both physically attractive and interested in learning. I’m not quite sure if the purpose of this movie is to combat stereotypes or propagate them, but there sure is a lot of diversity in this movie. Belle, the protagonist, is the young adult daughter of a widowed trinket-maker. Belle spends her days reading and roaming through the country hills, Sound of Music-style. She seems to value knowledge and won’t fall for Gaston’s superficial ways, but when she is trapped in the dark castle of a mysterious beast, a large library is enough for her to fall in love. What does this show us, ladies and gentlemen? Women aren’t totally shallow, but our affections can still be taught with material goods... Or maybe she just really like Furries. The bottom line is, this movie is sending a message to young boys that if they physically confine girls to a contained space and then give them the opportunity to leave, they will ultimately come back and fall in love with them à la Stockholm Syndrome. That is not a l Then again, this is a children’s movie, so there maybe I’m reading too much into this movie.
DRUNK UNCLE’S TWITTER DEBUT
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FROM YOUR DRUNK UNCLE “Bigger threat to jobs is robots not foreign countries or immigrants. In 20 yrs all mfing jobs robotized in 50 yrs all blow jobs #muststoprobots” -Jose Canseco (The Gary Busey of Baseball)
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“OH SHIT! MY WINRAR EXPIRED.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What type of kugel is the best kugel? “Potato, I’m not a fucking moron. ” Jordan Lebavitch Orthodox Jew Went to Yeshiva.
“Noodle, it’s sweet! How can you not like sweet? Marissa Gold Reform Jew, has a female rabbi.
“What the fuck is a kugel? It sounds gross.” Mike Pirog Doesn’t know shit.
I STILL CALL IT THE CCC
I’M DONE WITH THE CSC BY GARY SCHWARTZ
The management at Cook Cafe is ludicrous. The layout is trash-the checkout line literally blocks people from entering to purchase food. And now they want to impose a new rule to limit the amount of snacks I can get with a meal swipe. If I want to get four bags of sour watermelons, I should be allowed to get them. Is my indenture servitude to Rutgers Dining through my meal plan not enough?! Then their kiosk limits what type of cheese I can have on my panini.They have the audacity to charge me for a slice of cheese on my fish sandwich after i specifically didn’t order it. And why do they only offer mozzarella for fish sandwiches. The interface is whack. I can get a higher chance of order accuracy at McDonald’s. And they always only have one cashier that doesn’t have full command of the register. First I have to wait 10 minutes for an employee to come to the register and then another 10 minutes waiting for the cashier to figure out how to ring up my order. God forbid I need to price-check an item because NOTHING HAS A PRICE ON IT! Every time I go, the CSC breaks my heart, and somehow I always come crawling back. Well it’s time to take a stand. Boycott the CSC!
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT? BY JESSICA CALHOUN
I need your help! I’m freaking out, I just bought these new pants, and when I tried them on in H&M, I totally thought I looked on fleek in them. The saleswoman even said so! Like, she was like “Damn, those pants ARE YOU!” I was so excited! I bought them and tossed them on my dresser to wear today, but here we are, and guess what? I put them on again and they totally make me look fat! I look like a damn whale in these? I’m nearly crying from it, these jeans were $90 plus tax. And here I am, looking like Shamu or Free Willy parading around in them. How can I go out? Do I need to hit the gym? You know what? That’s what I’ll do, I’m going to hit the gym first thing in the morning, I’ve definitely been a bit lax on my routine recently, I’m just a fat slob sitting inside all day, I really need to hit the gym, it’s been like a few days since I was last there, I’m such a fat fucking pig. Oink oink right? I’m going to go to the gym as soon as I can! That will help me shed all this extra weight. I look like a fucking manatee right now. I’ll definitely be able to fit into the jeans once I get rid of this junk in my trunk, maybe then people won’t be absolutely disgusted by my presence in the room. I’ll show them, I’m going to look so damn good after I lose like 10 to 15 pounds. Until then I’m definitely not on fleek, I’m just fat.
JESSICA, YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, GET HELP. BY SARAH STARLAND
Jess, you need to understand this, first of all, we’re all your friends and we really want to see you happy. We want you to be comfortable in your own skin, and be happy when you look in the mirror but you need to realize something, you have an eating disorder. We all love you very much Jess, but you NEED to see someone. We’re worried, you say you want to lose 15 pounds, but hun, you’re 5’9’’ and only 85 pounds. I hate to have to say this but you’re withering away. We’re really worried about you, we don’t want this to happen. Jess, babe, we’re going to take you to a clinic and you’re not leaving til you get better. Those jeans don’t make you look fat, it’s just a chemical imbalance in your brain. I promise you Jess, things are going to get better, and by the time you come out, not only are you going to be able to enjoy those jeans, you’re going to look on fleek in them. And we’re going to love you all the same.
WOW. I ALMOST FILLED THE ENTIRE PAGE! YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M PROUD! YOU SHOULD BE PROUD TOO! COME TO A MEETING ON WEDNESDAYS IN CASC 411B FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN. OR ON A MONDAY IN LSC 117D. I SWEAR WE’RE FUN. WELL...MOST OF US.
Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
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“UNIVERSITY SPOON’’ BY MIKE HAWK
“SELFIE” BY MIKE HAWK
ARTS
“I have a small penis”
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“PENILLUMINATTI” BY MIKE HAWK
“GRADUATING CYLINDER” BY MIKE HAWK
LIKE HOW I DRAW MY DICKS? COME TO THE MEDIUM ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! YOU CAN COME SEE MINE IN PERSON ;)
PERSONALS
the Medium DO How would you feel about surgery from a doctor with one leg? (I don’t want anything missing from my doctor. He could be the best doctor in the world, but if he’s got one testicle, I will have my doubts.) I don’t care about March Madness. (Egad! Then how else do you spend your March you weirdo? March sucks without college basketball. And my mom was born in March.) A kid I hated from high school recently got arrested for having $5,000 worth of weed in his car... in a jar of baby food. God is smiling down on me. (Why you gotta hate on his hustle? My man was just trying to make ends meat. Dude sounds like a baller. Do you even weed, bro?) (The jar of baby food is funny tho.)
Wednesday, April 5th, 2017
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“You’re mom came out, with just a towel o-o-o-o-on”
YOU
The person who has to write I had a racist dream last the description in the guide night and I’m really unsure for shows must not like his how I feel about it. job. (Are you unsure because it (That person probably has all was too racist? Wasn’t racist the power in the world. He can enough? I wonder what level write whatever he wants for of racist you are.) the description. Like anything. And I doubt he has an editor (I also wonder what your so he is the gatekeeper of what dream was. Please follow up.) he wants millions of readers to read. He’s probably more suc- Pirates of the Caribbean is cessful than 90% of authors. I going to be insanity. need this job.) (Is it Care-a-bee-an or ca-ribIt’s gotta be impossible to bee-an? I’m not saying a woman start a new soda company. can’t be president but a (I don’t know what it is, but woman who still gets her any new soda is automatically period probably can’t. sketchy. Coca-Cola and Pepsi have that niche by the balls (There is nothing funny about and I don’t see them letting go woman president jokes. Period.) any time soon.) (I also don’t get the people that say they can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. Like, c’mon you assholes, they’re the same thing. Although, did you know Diet Coke floats and regular Coke sinks. Wild.)
BASEBALL IS B(L)ACK PEOPLE
The last meal is an odd tradition. (That’s gotta be a thing that’s just been in existence forever. You can really make a statement with that last meal. Like order a shit ton of food and only eat a little bit of it, but lick it all so no one else can eat it. Muahahahaha.)
I had a dream Jennifer Aniston blew me. (See, don’t you wish you could’ve recorded that and watch it again. Stash it in the wank bank. There’s a billion dollar idea that I’m just giving to you guys for free.) What kind of psycho finds joining the marine corps as appealing. Like I’m grateful they exist, but nothing about training to get to the point where I can hold a sniper for 72 hours while I piss and shit myself sounds appealing. (They say your supposed to shoot in between heart beats because that’s when your fingers are most still.) (“They” in this case is Uber Facts.)
I can’t believe people go to motivational speakers or formulas for success events. What is that?
Our meetings are on Wednesday’s, 7:45pm at the RSC room 411B, if you’re the type of person who might find that information useful.
THIS IS REAL
SEE
(I guarantee you 9 out of 10 motivational speakers don’t believe in what they preach. And that 1 guy is probably a serial killer or child molester.)
There is no way Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK alone. (80% of the people there said they heard shots from the grassy knoll. And there were so many people who wanted to kill him. And the Bubushka lady. Shit doesn’t add up.)
This is a real overheard conversation: “You see the Daily Medium?” “Yeah” WE MADE IT! THAT’S WHY WE DO IT FOLKS. THANKS FOR THE LOVE <3 THIS
YELLOW?
My roommate hooked up with a black chick in my room today and let’s just say it’s immediately recognizable through smell.
There are so many things lost in our subconscious. I thought of a joke, forgot it and will likely never remember it again. (Sucks for you. Your joke probably wasn’t that funny though so maybe it’s better off deep in your brain graveyard.) The barstool is the worst chair.
(Musky.)
It’s insane how people can get hit in the head or go into a coma and be instantly given talents.
(Yeah, that’s wild. Being able to fluently speak a different language or be the next Beethoven because you got in the dome is nuts. It’s like you downloaded a skill somehow like a glitch.)
(Nobody likes that guy, fuck him.) This just in: Band of Horses not actually a band of horses. (HA! THAT’S HILARIOUS)
JUSTIN TRUDEAU AND IVANKA TRUMP ARE DEFINITELY FUCKING. NO DOUBT. IT’S LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET. LOVE WINS PEOPLE, LOVE WINS. ALSO, IT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT IF I DIDN’T MENTION WRESTLEMANIA BROTHERS! WOOOOOOOO! CONGRATS TO JOHN CENA AND NICKI BELLA ALTHOUGH NOW BOTH BELLA TWINS ARE HITCHED WHICH MEANS MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS ARE NOW SHATTERED
Wednesday April 5th, 2017
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PAGE A7
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“Yes, we both could do a better job at this”
THE REAL TERROR IS CUSTOMER SERVICE
THIS ISSUE IS IN MEMORIAM OF BIRD PERSON
1977-2017
PHOENIX PERSON IS NOT A REPLACEMENT AND IS A DISGRACE TO HIS LEGACY
“Yeah images of clowns are pretty common viruses. Try turning it off and back on again.” Stephen King’s famous work of non-fiction is coming back to the big screen, and this time features a horror far more gut wrenching: The modern American workspace. Watch as the I.T. devolves into a monstrous version of his self as he struggles to deal with idiotic consumers for days on end. Great for the whole family!
FUCK TAMMY
Horoscopes ^Aries|March 21-April 19
Sometimes life gives you lemons. Sometimes it gives you limes. But none of that shit matters unless life gives you the special edition 1998 McDonald’s chicken mcnugget szechuan sauce, because that shit is delicious.
_Taurus|April 20-May 20
Your friends are your closest allies, and the enemy of your friend is your enemy. This is important to keep in mind, because you will have to use this binary system to calculate how much percent friend and percent enemy every single person you meet is.
`Gemini|May 21-June 21
Oh man, I am really psyched about this. Apparently your exact spatial position and body mass is perfect for a freaky friday type situation. Prepare your brain for some practical life lessons, because you’re
switching with your estranged uncle.
aCancer|June 22-July 22
You pride yourself on your self-awareness and empathetic attitude. This will be challenged at the highest caliber this week when the universe literally crumbles and the only way to save it is to have lunch
with a homeless person.
bLeo|July 23-August 22
Saturn decided that orbits don’t mean jack shit anymore, so everything is going to be out of whack for a few days or so. Your new name is now Mercedes the Unbroken VIII. You should know what that means.
cVirgo|August 23-September 22
Never believe that your dreams are so unattainable that they cannot be achieved, just know that they are.
dLibra|September 23-October 22
ERROR 404 HOROSCOPE NOT FOUND. The Universe ran into an unexpected error trying to retrieve your horoscope. Refresh or try again in five millenia.
eScorpio|October 23-November 21
The human body is a marvelous thing, and a true testament to the beauty of what the Universe can create. It’s too bad yours won’t be held together for much longer.
fSagittarius|November 22-December 21
A lot of strangers have probably been approaching you with seemingly suspicious deals, but rest assured, they are less pyramid schemes and more triangle-y ploys.
gCapricorn|December 22-January 19
.. ..-./-.-- --- ..-/.- .-. ./.-. . .- -.. .. -. --./- .... .. .../... . -. -../.... . .-.. .-./- .... . -.--/.- .-. ./.... --- .-.. -.. .. -. --./-- ./ .... --- ... - .- --. ./.. -./- .... ./-- . -..
.. ..- --
hAquarius|January 20-February 18
Morality has and always will be subjective, so remember that when you think about pursuing your lifelong dream of becoming a high brow prostitute.
iPisces|February 19-March 20
AHAHAHAHA HA HAhAHAHAh Oh my god that SUCKS! Wow, I do not envy you.
April 5th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com THE BEST LAID PLANS...
D E V E LOPING: U NC CHAMPIONSHIP VAC AT E D A F T E R R E C E IVING IMPERMISSIBLE BENE F I T S, T- S HI RT S STEPHEN A. SMIFF BAD FOR SPORTS
PHOENIX—According to many sources, the NCAA ruled that the University of North Carolina will have to vacate all of it's wins from the 201617 season, including Monday night's championship victory, due to a "gratuitous giveaway of championship t-shirts, hats and confetti, which violates NCAA bylaws governing student compensation." Immediately after UNC's 71-65 victory over Gonzaga, Carolina students were given complementary t-shirts and hats commemorating their victory under a shower of free confetti. According to sources, this commemorative and completely reasonable gift-giving constitutes an impermissible benefit. "We are aware of the situation and are conducting an investigation," said NCAA President Mark Emmert. "That being said, it is unfortunate
Not so fast... Joel Berry, tournament MOP, thinks he can just walk on out of here with that free hat. Think again, mister.
that these players who made their university and the NCAA billions of dollars had to accept these gifts. While most of them will never play professional basketball and have suffered lifelong injuries,
they should know accepting a free shirt that sells for $30 retail is wrong." In 2010, the NCAA and CBS/Turner Sports agreed to a 14 year, $10.8 billion deal to broadcast the tournament.
Players do not see any of that money, nor do they earn any portion of merchandise sales, but they are allowed to buy merchandise at any official NCAA retailer. "Yeah, so I was told they'd take my scholarship away if I kept my t-shirt," said Tony Bradley, the only freshman for North Carolina who played in the championship game. "I did all this and I can't get a free shirt? I never go to my ethics class, but I feel like that's a bit unethical." UNC lost in last year's championship game to Villanova on a buzzer beater, but this year's redemption was short lived, as the NCAA is reportedly readying to announce the school's punishment in the coming days. "So what," said UNC head coach Roy Williams. "I still get paid."
BALLIN' CHAIN
WIVES OF RAIDERS FURIOUS OVER NEW MOVE
MAXIMUM POWERS DANGEROUSLY CHEESY
LAS VEGAS—As the NFL team from Oakland begins its move to Las Vegas, there are numerous fans who have exhibited disappointment about the transfer. However, no group has been so uniformly against the move than the wives of the players and coaches who have begun to speak out against the move as a danger to their families. Before an official press release was given by the women, most experts could only speculate about the reasoning behind their protest with the plausible reason being the notorious Nevada heat. Linebacker Aldon Smith recalled, “My lady always kept pointing out those kids and dogs that keep dying in
Raiding the Strip Raiders management and staff celebrate the new move.
hot cars. I guess she doesn’t want to deal with that.” Others theorized that it was the strict illegal immigration laws that sparked the rebuff, but this theory was quickly dismissed as they realized that as the
majority of them are filthy rich they do not have to worry about that sort of thing. Tuesday, at the press release by the wives of Raiders players, they voiced their chief concerns about the move. Heather Neel, wife of
#THANKYOUTAKER SInce 1970
QB Derek Carr, told the press that their top concern with the move came from “those Vegas sluts”. Neel elaborated, “These pigs are rarely faithful when going to Philadelphia or Minneapolis. How are we supposed to keep them in check with Las-fuckin-Vegas right next door?” Mothers of players chimed in too, with the mother of wide-receiver Michel Crabtree telling the press, “[Management] expects a bunch of scholarship youth to get paid thousands a week, live in the middle of Las Vegas, and not turn into fucking train wrecks. It’s almost like the Raiders are trying to turn out gambling addicts rather than championship teams.”