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INSTA: @themediumRU
may 3rd, 2017
Volume LIII Issue XIii 50¢ CONSENT IS SEXY
FRATERNITIES PROMOTING SEXUAL VIOLENCE AWARENESS STILL REQUIRE RATIO WALTER CRONKITE JR GREEK LIFE INSIDER
NEW BRUNSWICK -Not seeing the explicit irony, fraternities at Rutgers continue to advocate for the prevention of sexual violence while forcing all male, non-guest list partygoers to have ratio. "Hey bro, I only see three girls and one of you," Beta Rho Omega brother Arnie van Jaaran reportedly said, whose fraternity was enforcing a 6-to1 female-to-male ratio Friday. "I can't let you in unless you got more girls, yo. But while I have you here, would you care to make a donation to RAINN,
RAINN IS LUCKY TO HAVE ARNIE Hey man equalitiy is just the right thing to do
Continued on Page 2
WHITE GIRLS AM I RIGHT??
Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union GRIND ALL MASSHOLE
CHERRY HILL— In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section.
QUICKIES
Rutgers Day Features Controversial Helen Keller VR Experiencce Unbelievable! This Guy Dated Me And Now His Feet Are No Longer Smelly New Moon Wins Best Looking Moon Cycle Phase What the Fuck Is The 1975 Saying in Chocolate?! Exclusive Interview!: Basketball Hoops "Want More in Life" Than Just "Balls Going In and Out Of It"
Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s. “I just sat there rereading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it
said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North
GRADUATIN Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
Extreme Sports for New Mothers
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NEWS
"How do I stay relevent after graduating?"
FRAT BOYS AM I RIGHT??
themedium.news@gmail.com
CUE AWK WAVE
FRATS
the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization?" This is not an isolated incident, as reportedly every fraternity that is not guestlist only continues to use ratio at parties year after year. The reported minimum ratio is 4-to-1 at Tau Iota Tau, yet the reported minimum amount of service hours per brother at Rutgers is 10 a semester, though the message and actions do not seem to resonate. "Yeah we do a lot of work with The Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance, which provides an amazing service on campus that I really recommend people use," said Sam Young, president of Alpha Sigma Sigma. "At the same time, though, we can't be throwing sausagefests every weekend. Frankly, girls should see it as a compliment. They're
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017
...continued from front
desirable. As a reward, guys that pull get to party, and girls are given free drinks and get to swat away unwanted advances." When asked about the apparent hypocrisy, Young did not see it. "Nah we have inter-fraternal meetings all the time, and we always congratulate each other on the positive impact we have on the culture of sexual violence prevention on this campus." The office of Fraternity & Sorority Affairs did not make an official comment on the issue, but did note fraternity contributions to the cause, both monetarily and through volunteer hours. When asked, most independent students on campus were indifferent on the issue. "It's whatever," said senior Jessica Hernandez. "I got to the bars now."
Class Too Small To Go Without Acknowledging Professor DALE JUST WANTS A HULA HOOP
their relationship with the professor, physical distance from the professor and whether or not the professor is interacting with other people. "I usually try to go on my phone or put my in earbuds," said Canillo, who is now too deep into her major to take large classes, which would negate this issue. "But in this case, I didn't have time. He was like right there. I've only spoken up in class like three times, so I didn't know if he recognized me or not. I panicked." Canillo apparently felt incredibly uncomfortable during her awkward greeting. Her relationship with the professor is neither too distant to warrant ignoring him, nor close enough to demand a friendly gesture. "Honestly I wish I just ignored him," added Canillo. "What was I thinking. Now he's gonna expect something from me in class. I just sit there and go on my phone and search for internships. This wave is gonna change everything."
NEW BRUNSWICK -- Just before walking into class, junior Adrianna Canillo was forced to put on a half-smile and wave uninspiringly as she passed her professor of Sports Writing and Reporting, a class of only 25 people. Canillo arrived to class early and walked by her professor, Allen Roberts, sitting outside class. The two made eye contact, and because the class is so small, were forced to make light of each other's presence. "Yeah this is the only reason why large classes are better," said Canillo, who is majoring in Journalism and Media Studies. "In those classes I can walk by my professors and ignore them without a problem. But in these small classes, I feel so awkward if I do that." KNOWS ABOUT AS MUCH AS D TRUMP According to multiple CIVIL WAR SURPRISE student reports, there is always ...continued from front a moment of hesitancy when Carolina! No mention of Jersey!” not only had no idea that New seeing professors of small Hall attempted to calm Jersey was a part of the Union classes outside of the classroom. Students usually first analyze herself down by telling herself but that she was upset by it. that Virginia was close to Jersey “I thought I had some real THERE I GO DRINKING AGAIN so maybe South Jersey was Southern heritage in me!” cried actually a part of Virginia in Hall with a fake southern drawl the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her in a recent phone interview. dismay she turned the page and According to her roommate, RADIO RAHEEM was greeted with a map that Hall has not left her room since NO LONGER DOING THE RIGHT to this stupid shit," says School THING outlined where the Confederacy reading the passage insisting she of Engineering senior Rachel De ended and the Union started, is going through an “identity Vera. "I'm not sure what's even NEW BRUNSWICK— On which made it very obvious that crisis” citing that even though going on, to be honest." South Jersey was a part of the her family has lived in South Monday, May 1st, every senior Rachel's statement was Union. Jersey since America’s birth, at Rutgers University reportedly interrupted by an extremely "I was just so shocked," she she does not know who her went to their final class angry senior design professor, stated. "I mean the Union?! The ancestors are anymore. Hall’s completely hammered. After who yelled at the class to pay icky no fun Union that wanted friend Chantel, a black woman, an afternoon of cheap tequila attention to his final speech. to CRUSH personal rights and tried to sympathize with her shots and $2 Coors, all of In any case, it's clear that take away Southern pride and stating she knew none of her approximately 16,000 students no senior is taking anything heritage?!" ancestors because they were went to he final class of their seriously today, and all are Enraged by this and still slaves that were not recorded entire collegiate career drunk. spending the last few dollars Professors throughout the not totally believing what in an censuses but Hall insisted they have to get fucking she saw, Hall stormed to her it wasn’t the same and her entire university report being destroyed before their last class extremely annoyed at heckling professor’s office demanding an situation was much worse. of their college career. Professor explanation. The professor had No word on when Hall will students while they tried their Rackman, from the philosophy no idea who Hall was and was exit her room or whether she has hardest to deliver a heartfelt department, even partook in the goodbye speech. reportedly concerned that Hall even accepted this fact yet. festivities.
Seniors Go to Last Day Of Classes Drunk
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager SPRING 2017 Mascot
Editorial Staff
Sifat Mahbub Andrew Blustein
Andrew Blustein Fratypus
News Editors Aly Grindall James Mullen III Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Michael Okolo Personals Editor Rob Sanchez Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Marissa Schwartz
Sports Editor Kevin McClintock Copy Editor No One Jonathan Holzsager Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche The real world
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to our graduating seniors :(
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017
OBITUARIES “Lest we forget.”
the Medium
SIFAT MAHBUB (2015-2017)
ALY GRINDALL (2014-2017)
We mourn the loss of our Editor-In-Chief, Sifat, who recently lost her prolonged struggle with God, the almighty being that smote her for questioning the true length of his hair. Always one to fight for justice and search for truth, Sifat long battled the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent Lord. From a young age she always thought God’s hair couldn’t really be that long. Once she got to college and rose to prominence in The Medium, she used her platform to call for change and directly question God’s follicle prowess. A fun-loving, giving, caring soul, Sifat is survived by a collection of hyper-specific encyclopedias covering the many incarnations of God throughout history. In the weeks before being cast into darkness, Sifat felt she was the closest she had ever been to finding exactly how long God’s hair actually is. Unfortunately, the answer she was nearing was not ready to shared with the world. Sifat was industrious, proud, kind and witty; she will be missed.
Always one to find joy in life and take advantage of every moment, Aly Grindall finally flew a bit too close to the sun. Enjoying a wicked underground punk show, Aly seized her opportunity to jump on top of an amp and party hardy. During an epic base solo, the dope sound waves coming from a maxedout amp reached unsafe levels and her brains into mush. Aly used those inspiring brains to spread messages of love and cheer, as she lived a carefree life. Unfortunately, those brains that were used for good are now lining the walls of a New Brunswick basement. Aly saw the world like nobody else; she fought for others, had an open mind and was not afraid to get random bruises on her body in the name of an unforgettable evening. She is survived by a loving family, and everyone else who has a vague memory of that girl who had the cool hair. A wake will be held Friday at her family home; a wake for her splattered brains will be held at Olive Branch on Saturday.
The martyrdom of James Mullen III is a tale of woe. During his voyage back to his homeland of Florida, an awesome storm ravaged his boat and threw him upon the savage wasteland known as Georgia. The storm would have decimated a man of lesser grit, James is no lesser man. He salvaged his adequate pen collection and his 12-guage leveraction Winchester Model 1887 shotgun, and began his odyssey through the wilderness. He came across a tribe of native Georgians, who were threatened by our former News Editor. James fought to his strength’s end, but eventually he fell. Seeing his accomplishment, God prepared to take James up to heavan as a reward, but was then struck by an 18-wheeler. He will be missed.
A founding member of The Medium has finally found his eternal peace. Born MichaelVincent Nunzio-Ricci D’AnellaMercanti Esposito, he was found dead at a boutique IndianMexican fusion restaurant after being reported missing for five months. Police say he died of a rant-induced heart attack after a passerby scoffed at the concept of “the plight of the ItalianAmerican”. Friends describe him as a loving, boisterous, “okay we get it, it’s really niche” extrovert, who had a disturbingly large collection of Laura Dern memorabilia. He is survived by an incredibly, unnecessarily large family, which would take literal days to list. Sadly, his love of photography, activism and those little cracker things with a tiny spread of cream cheese that they serve at fancy parties will go unrealized. He will always be remembered, and his time with The Medium will be cherished.
JAMES MULLEN III (2015-2017)
DARCY RITT (2016-2017)
Our very own Darcy Ritt was born a 23 year old white woman. Sadly she lived a very short life spending only one year on this beautiful earth. She was filled with happiness and every time she walked into a room things would feel just a little bit more spanish. Unfortunately she passed away at kilmers market after tasting some of their organic lettuce. The autopsy revealed she died due to organic food poisoning but we believe she was poisoned intentionally. The death of Darcy Ritt will truly always be a mystery and the members here at the medium will continue to mourn her death for at least the next two weeks. Her love for the dick of the week column resonates with many. No one will be able to fill the spanish void left behind by our very white friend. Her spanish-ness will forever be unmatched and not forgotten (for at least the next two weeks). Estar Tranquilo.
MICHAEL VINCENT (1970-2017)
CONNOR McCARTHY (????-2017)
Born during an uknown time in an unknown place, Connor McCarthy’s time on this earth has sadly come to an end. Forever an enigma, his passing was only fitting. Wandering about Sunday morning, he came across a squirrel that led him to a tree, which opened the door to another dimension, a spatial void of absolute nothingness where the former Personals Editor will be forever trapped. It is unclear if he has died, or if he is even capable of death, but it is a near certainty that he will not return to this realm. Likely survived by someone or something, as nothing in this universe is neither born from nothingness nor does it leave without a trace, Connor will be remembered as a caring soul. His unique view of Earth sparked unforgettable conversations, as friends note his propensity for the absurd, which usually involved mosquitos or gumballs. Perhaps Connor was not meant for this world. Rest well.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“Next year in Jerusalem!”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Are you prepared for Finals? “Shhh, we’re in the library.”
Lesly Korean Been studying since January
“Shit brah, I don’t got no finals.” Lee Laz Dropped all his classes, only taking a lab.
“I’ve made my finals really hard this year, fuck students.” Bob Albino Winner of the Asshole Teacher of the Year 2016-2017. SAY WHEN
HERE’S AN OPINION: I’M DRUNK. BY DEVIN
No no no no no, I got this. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. No no no no, I’m fine. Really I’m fine, just let me talk. I study this stuff in school. Yeah I got to class, shut the fuck up, Rachel. The media covers this all wrong. It’s all just one big cover up. Yeah I actually believe that. Damn it Rachel just let me fucking talk--wait yo Adam are you going into the kitchen? Can you get me another beer? Hey, no, I was talking. I know I’m drunk but I still know what I’m talking about. As I was saying: this has been a problem throughout history. I mean look at the Civil War. Things don’t change, just you don’t hear people talking about it all the time, that’s why you don’t think it’s a problem, Rachel. Hey. I said I’m fine. It’s just one more beer. Fucking Rachel, am I right? You just don’t get it Rachel. You think all of the world’s problems will go away by just batting your eyes. Well that’s not how it works, Rachel. The media, Rachel. Read between the lines, Rachel. Things are not what they seem to be, just read a textbook. I just learned about all of this. Am I not making sense to you? This is cut and dry. I am drunk. I am not wrong, but yes I am drunk. Hey, no, don’t discriminate. You’re discriminating. That’s discriminating. I’m allowed to drink this beer. It’s all your fault, Rachel. Look at what’s happening here, Rachel. Look at what you’re making me do, Rachel. It’s all a big cover up. I’m out!
TRICKS ARE FOR WHORES, MOTHER.
I JUST WANT TO BE AN ESCORT
BY DESTINY CHILE
Let me tell you, I have spent the last five years working my damn ass off. I’ve worked nights, weekends, holidays, and pretty much any party that has come into my job. I deserve to move on. You see, I’m a stripper; I have been since I graduated high school. I didn’t want to go to college, and my high school boyfriends and my stepdad always told me I could be a stripper. After graduation, it just seemed like the right thing to do. But enough is enough. Stripping is so much more work than you think. Have you ever seen a strip tease or a poll dance? Do you know how much work goes into that shit? I haven’t eaten bread in five years! Not only that, but I have to sit on the laps of old crust guys and pretend to flirt with them. Yeah, it’s just as awful as it sounds. That is why I want to become an escort. No, not a prostitute, a high class escort. I want to be one of those bitches who get caught sucking the dick of a senator or something. They make bank, and they usually get a free meal out of it. Do you know what I get when I fuck someone at the strip club? Sweaty bills and cum on my dress. Not a fan. I’ve worked hard, I think I have earned it. Who knows, if I do a good job as an escort maybe I can become a porn actress one day. I hear they make you wear condoms now.
BUT SERIOUSLY, WHY?
SERIOUSLY THOUGH? WHY THE WAR? BY DONALD J. TRUMP
His wife died. They destroyed his wife and she died. He was a swashbuckler, but when his wife died you know he visited her grave everyday? I visited her grave actually because I was in Tennessee. And it was amazing. The people of Tennessee are amazing people. They love Andrew Jackson. They love Andrew Jackson in Tennessee. I mean had Andrew Jackson been a little later you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War, he said “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?
WE DID IT! WE MADE IT THROUGH AN ENTIRE YEAR! GOOD LUCK ON FINALS. COME TO A MEETING ON WEDNESDAYS IN CASC 411B FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN. OR ON A MONDAY IN LSC 117D. I SWEAR WE’RE FUN. WELL...MOST OF US. JOIN THE MEDIUM NEXT YEAR!
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
F/ARTS
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“We swear it isn’t racism. We gave him another job.”
I DON’T WATCH GAME OF THRONES
MAKE DAT $$$$$
HOW TO LAND THE DREAM SUMMER INTERNSHIP YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THREE MONTHS AGO By: Nifty Knitter
Does your parent have a job?
Game of Drones
By: Girl Who Likes Brower In another George R. R. Martin universe in the distant future, the battle is not between the houses of Stark, Lannister, Targ aryen and others, but between humans and futuristic humanoids for the prized drone. Each human clan lives on their own spacecraft or colonized planet, years after the Earth had been scorchec by capitalist humans. Lots of action ensues as the different ships battle for ownership of the last habitable planet Be prepared for lots of human-on-humanoid incest, death and betrayal.
BEYONCE, BEYTWICE, BEYCHICKENSOUPWITHRICE
YOU KNOW WE HAVE SHIRTS RIGHT??? REPRESENT.COM/STORE/THE-MEDIUM BUY OUR SHIRTS! IT’S OUR LAST ISSUE OF THE SEMESTER, SO A SHIRT IS ALL YOU’LL HAVE TO REMEMBER US BY PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE
No
Yes
Does your parent have a Linkedin?
Have your parent ask their employer to hire you.
Yes
No
Ask parent to ask people on their Linkedin to hire you
Does your parent have money to bribe an employer?
No
If this doesn't work...
Yes
Good luck getting a job.
OLD HICKORY STRIKES BACK
PERSONALS
the Medium
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Take off your pants and your panties. Take a shit on the floor.”
GOODBYE Why am I in class right now? It’s the last day of classes and I actually went. (When did you feel stupid, when you realized no students were showing up or when even the professor ditched.) I feel like an idiot because I can’t do work while other people are talking. Does that make me an idiot? (I can’t do work when people are talking either. This sentence took me 5 minutes to type because someone wouldn’t SHUT THE FUCK UP.) Should I still give a courtesy flush even if I’m almost done? (Maybe, depends on if you want to be a shitty person. Haha. Pun intended.)
Doctors say a healthy person poops at least three times a day, but every morning I take a giant shit that’s basically three poops in one. Same thing, right?
EVERYONE You’re stupid if you think poop jokes are immature.
(Yep, exactly the same thing. But also I’m not trusting a doctor who claims he’s an expert in shit.)
(I’m stupid, but not because I don’t think poop jokes are immature. I’m stupid because I’m failing almost everything. But at least I can fit my whole fist in my mouth. Plus my breasts can always tell when it’s raining.)
What’s the best poop joke you know?
Please make me feel better about the Mets.
(You, you fucking piece of shit! HA! BOOM ROASTED!) There’s a 40 year old woman in my class and she gets really scary. She scares me. (Hey, lay off! I know that 40 year old, she’s cool. She bought me alcohol once. Then we had sex. I’ve met her husband before too. Nice guy. Must suck at sex tho lol.)
PICKLE RICK!!!!!!!
(The Yankees will still end the season below .500. We’re not the Phillies and Michael Conforto is playing. PLUS IT’S BASEBALL SEASON MAN!
(I would too. The sun is always out man. It’s not like it’s going anywhere. It’s not like the moon that comes and goes as it damn pleases. Fucking moon. It also helps if you have latin blood and get naturally tan instead of sunburnt. I imagine you’re a white guy with a big forehead named Alex or something. lol.)
(Alex, dude why are you asking me all of these questions about pooping and sunburn? You seem like a nice kid but come on, give some room for the one other fan that sends in personals. Go ahead Adam.) Is it racist if I think afros are awesome? (Is it racist if I wanna punch you in the face?) The coverage of the baseball team in the Targum is superb. (The coverage of the baseball team in the Targum is trash and everyone knows it. Seriously fuck that kid. He’s not even funny.) Ice bergs are wild.
Rutgers Student Center room 411B.
Wanna know the secret to eating pistachios on the go?
Dexterous hands. That’s right ladies, I have dexterous hands. It will only take you 4 minutes to tell me where to find it, not 5 ;)
I feel like a dumbass every time I get a sunburn.
Peeling from a sunburn is sexy right?
Be sure to make our last meeting this Wednesday 5/4! There will be food. Maybe pickles, I don’t know.
FUCK GAYBARS, I DON’T SWING THAT WAY
(Ice bergs are kind of like me. All you see is the tip at first, but then once you get closer, it looks a lot bigger. That is a rousing endorsement of my penis ladies.) Are you going to put something here? (It’s my last time doing this, go fuck yourself. No.)
FUCK YOU Last time I went to the strip club I only had $10 but it was my first time and I was just happy to be there and you can’t put a price on that. (You really can’t.) What do you say we go out to the dock and smoke a couple of cigars? (Stogies? Why not!?) I had the option of getting lemon tea or peach tea and I chose peach and instantly regretted it. (Why in the history of mankind would you ever choose peach tea over lemon tea. You bonked my guy. I could see maybe raspberry tea over lemon tea but peach?? I also may be biased because I’m allergic to peaches but whatever.) I wish I wasn’t so allergic to spring. (I look like a blow fish during spring.) Did you know in Germany, Denmark, Austria, and Mexico it’s not illegal to try and escape from prison because it’s basic human instinct to be free. (#UberFacts.) Nothing like a well timed shit before going out. (You’re set for the night.) Does anyone fucking read these? (Idk do you?)
How much money do you think is lost in the world. (Idk, there’s probably hella stuff in the ocean. If everyone in the United States has lost a dollar it’s well over a million dollars. It’s like the entire world is a treasure map but X marks millions of spots. Go!) I’m so hungover in class I wanna fucking die. (That is sick nasty my guy. Thanks for having the Medium the first thing you think of when you’re hungover in class and double thanks for writing a personal during class!) (He didn’t. This was me. It has always been me. The entire semester. Just talking to myself.) Garrett is a horrendous first name and I don’t understand how two parents could possibly agree on it. (Am I crazy to want to name my kid Corduroy? That dude would get lost in the pussy. Or how about Otto? Ozzie?? His real name is Oswaldo but I give him the nickname as Ozzie early on in life but when he gets older he can choose to stick with it or be a viscous Oswaldo. His choice. Judith is an unfortunate name.) (Yeah I’m planning for a boy because every father obviously wants that son and they’re lying if they say they don’t care. Obviously I’ll be happy with my daughter but I’m shooting (pun intended) for a son.) (No one actively hopes for girls. Legacy in jeopardy, potential whore. In fact, if I have two daughters. I’m getting a vasectomy.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday May 3rd, 2017
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“1 billion attempted served”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
CONGRATS GRADS
5 Pieces of Advice from a Guy Struggling to Open a Jar of Pickles 1) Take it easy on yourself “Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh* 2) Work hard *grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.” 3) Work out biceps “You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!* 4) Prepare for disappointment “There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family” 5) Keep your mind open to alternatives *HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*
MOVIE REVIEW
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 Review BY JIMBO FRUGALOOP
NEW BRUNSWICK -- We at The Medium got an early screening to see "Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2", directed by James Gunn, and it was just as good as I expected it to be. The album was a great compilation of 70's rock out classics that really flowed well, bringing you back to a better time of shag rugs, lava lamps, and lots of drugs. Classic artists such as Fleetwood Mac, Electric Light Orchestra, and The Sneepers feat. David Hasselhoff all make an appearance of the album, along with some lesser known hits. The music video was a bit strange, though. I get it, the 70's was all about the psychedelic, and what better way than some kind of space adventure with a talking raccoon and baby tree, but it felt a little dragged out. On top of that, there felt like too many moments without music. There are times for silence in an album, but take it easy, I am still here to jam out to some kickin' tunes. Either way, pretty solid album experience. Rating: 4 and a half guitars
I am A Gray Box and I have Rights. My name is Gray. My Last Name is Box, and I like to fill things up, not this spot though. I’m talking right now. Hi. I’m not a Gray Box, I’m a Gray Box with Limited Freedoms. I’m Gray and I like to be a box. Alright, yeah, I couldn't think of any more content to fill up the page. I have been working my ass for you people all year, and this is the thanks I get?! Fucking complaints?! Piss off mate. Come join the Medium! We will probably still be around once the summer is over and we all get off our cumulative hangover from the consant partying. See you then.
May 3rd, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com SUNFLOWER SEEDS OF WRATH
M AN WITH CR I P P LI N G S U NF LOW E R S E E D ALLERGY M A K E S BA S E BA LL T E A M STEPHEN A. SMIFF UNDERGROUND FAILURE
FREEHOLD, NJ—Calling it a dream come true, 15-year-old Jessie Holdermann overcame his crippling sunflower seed allergy to make the Freehold Township Travel Summer League B Team. Holdermann had not played team baseball since 2004, when his allergy was first discovered. "We first realized he was allergic when he nearly passed out in left field," said his mother, Annie. "We thought he fell down after chasing around a butterfly, but it turned out he was eating sunflower seeds while playing. Who knew you were allowed to eat a snack midgame?" Since, Holdermann had only practiced with his father in backyards and batting cages, fearing any accidental contact with any combination
Safe for Now Jessie thinks he won't break out in hives in about five minutes.
of salted, unsalted or ranch flavored sunflower seeds. "I've been waiting for this moment my entire life," a semi-intelligible Holdermann is assumed to have said in the dugout, as the dusting of
sunflower seed shells coating the floor caused his cheeks and tongue to swell. "Making the Travel Summer League B Team is a big accomplishment. We get to showcase our skills in towns like Colts Neck and
Wall, and I get to do it with a great group of guys around me, who still enjoy eating sunflower seeds all game." The season begins on June 15, but practices have already begun, giving the rest of the team a chance to get comfortable with Holdermann's allergy. "In no other sport are you eating something all game," continued Holdermann. "I don't really understand why we do it in baseball, but it's part of the game. Baseball has a rich history, so who am I to interfere with it. If all it takes for me to play the game I love is to suffer in pain and struggle to breathe, than that's fine with me." David Sunflower Seeds has yet to comment on the situation, but as of now the company is still supplying its product.
FUCKING SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCKING METS
METS FANS KILL THEMSELVES AFTER SUNDAY GAME
my life." It is unclear how long Trump has been a Mets fan for, but his apparent fandom NEW YORK—Following the is seemingly sincere. Mets' 23-5 loss to the Nationals "If he's a real fan, that's Sunday in Washington, the even worse," said fan of 40 entire Mets fan base has years Donna Sommerson. decided to kill itself, but the "How could this team attract timing was only coincidental. such scum? And if he's not a A picture of Eric Trump real fan, fuck him. After I jam cheering for the Mets recently an ice pick into my own neck resurfaced, finally pushing I hope he stumbles upon my fans over the edge. dead body, freaks out and "I expect it from the team, goes insane, and then becomes but not from those assholes a Phillies fan. The Phillies in the White House," said God Damn It fucking suck. Can you think longtime Mets fan Craig Since when was it popular to be a Mets fan? of a sorry excuse for a team? Murphy while buying two The Mets are now 10-14, we gotta take it slow," said I sure can't." lengths of rope with which to White House Press sitting in last place in the NL 43-year-old Tim O'Donnell. kill himself at Home Depot. Sean Spicer East, but the team is coming of "But now I'm gonna go drink Secretary "It only makes sense that back-to-back seasons making bleach after seeing that commented on the issue. Syndergaard would be out "Eric is his own man who the playoffs, the first time in picture. This fucking guy. I indefinitely, but why the fuck team history. fucking hate this guy. He's puts a Mets hat on like a big is Eric fucking Trump a Mets "Okay, so it's not our year, ruining the one good thing in boy." fan." RUBEN CARTER FALSELY TRIED
Phoning it in SInce 1970