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INSTA: @themediumRU
October 7th 2015
Volume XLX Issue IV 50¢ BAD NEWS, BEARS!
BEAR SEEKING STUDENT FLESH CLAIMS TO BE SWEET AS HONEY
QUICKIES
RU Football: Black Shirts Matter!
BY PAULE VALENTINE SERIAL JERKER
PISCATAWAY, NJ—A 22year-old, 457-pound black bear (Ursus americanus), was spotted in the Rutgers Gardens on Tuesday morning. The male beast was looking for a student to attack. He journeyed from the Delaware Water Gap to the northern edge of Piscataway over the last two months. Coming off a pretty slow summer, the bear has made the trek to the Central New Jersey in the hopes of finding some fresher meat. “After the brutality of last summer,” said the bear, “a lot of hikers are staying away. It’s really a shame.” This decline is a pretty direct correlation to the brutal murder of two Rutgers students last April. Two RU GO outdoor members were killed when they allegedly tried to get naked and take selfies with a different bear. Both students were really made examples of by that bear. Very
THE RUIN OF THE BRUIN Human-ursine relations would be sympathetic if he were a polar bear, though.
brutal stuff! “Some of these kids have no respect anymore,” said the local bear. The couple's limbs were stuffed into their genitals and were hung up on the tree at the entrance of the path. “When I was that age, I killed quiet, with respect. You don’t touch the face. Now, these kids are going crazy."
This growing anxiety is not only localized to this region. The bears all over the state are dealing with the younger generations trying to send a message. Of the 32 New Jersey residents brutally mauled to death last year in the infamous “Summer of Blood 2k14”, thirteen were “classified as cruel and unusual” by local Continued on Page A7
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE! OW OW OW!
Australia Sees Dramatic Rise in Water Gun-Related Crimes BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NOSTALGIC ALCOHOLIC
MELBOURNE, AUS.— Tragedy strikes the nation of Australia once again as the number of civilian casualties rises dramatically due to water gun-armed assailants, according to some reports. The city of Melbourne was the victim of a devastating shooting involving hundreds of innocent civilians. While the shooter has not been identified yet, all reasonable explanations GETTING SO WET indicate that the shooter was The National Rifle Association points to glaring flaws in (water) gun control. diagnosed with a mental illness which caused his malevolence. fire arm control, these events kinds of dangerous weaponry, As the first of many obvious elucidate the fact that legislation Continued on Page A7 signs of Australia’s ineffective restricting civilian access to all
UNSAFE SEXING Since 1970
Governor Christie Forced to Return his New Fleece Sweater Seaside Residents Destroyed Boardwalk in Preparation for Hurricane Bernie Sanders Revealed to be Lovechild of Bert and Ernie Street Performer by Zimmerli still Waiting to be Recognized as Living Human
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
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“Hollaback Girl was my fucking anthem. I don't know what it is, but I'm certainly not one.”
RANDOM ENCOUNTERS, FUCK!
LIVIBERRY PRESERVES
Increase in Animal Attacks Feral Child Found after Related to Local Muggings Decade in Preserve BY PAULIE SOFFICER CAMPUS POLICE LIAISON
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— Following a stream of troubling crimes in New Brunswick, a new trend in violent robberies is taking form. Over the weekend, multiple reports came in claiming that a perpetrator robbed his victims with animal assistance. The suspect is a young man, of indeterminate age, wearing blue jeans, a shortsleeved jacket over a black tee, and a red and white baseball cap. He has black hair and a very raspy voice for someone so young. The robber, henceforth referred to as "Red" was always reported to have approached the victim without company before forcefully pitching a baseballsized object at the victims. The victims, all Rutgers-affiliated locals, testify that they flinched and when they recovered, a large rodent was at Red's feet, growling at them. Victims' defense was lowered! A victim identified only as "Schoolboy" was then quickly attacked by the large yellow rat before he could flee. Schoolboy was beaten unconscious and claims that the attacker mugged him of P150. The incident took place before midnight Saturday. A School of Engineering professor identified as "Bug Catcher" told the police that the animal must have been a
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
beaver to have such a large, flat tail. Raising questions to the contrary, Bug Catcher also stated that before he fainted, the animal's tail shined like a plate of polished iron. Animal Science faculty Professor Beech could not identify the animal but is excited by the existence of such a novel creature. "I hope we discover what that animal is, if there are more, and how to enslave all animals." At press time, the most recent report was from Tuesday morning in Werblin Rec Center's patio pool. Red showed up standing on what was described as an enormous jellyfish and poisoned a swimmer. He then continued remove the swimmer's Speedo. Upon discovering no monies inside, he ordered the jellyfish to strangle the swimmer. The lifeguard on duty witnessed the crime in its entirety. "It was terrible! Some one really should have jumped in and done something. Especially when the tenticles started going inside the swimmer's butthole... it was so Japanese." The unnamed swimmer is currently at St. Peter's in critical condition being treated for severe poisonous stings on the inner wall of his rectum. Anyone with information about the mysterious Red should contact RUPD immediately.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Henry Yeh Fratypus
BY SAWYER FLANNEL-CLAD WOODSMAN
PISCATAWAY, NJ—Monday afternoon, local boy Arthur McClanahan-White was found in the Rutgers Ecological Preserve on Livingston Campus. The boy was lost while hiking with his father, Drew McClanahan, in the Preserve on April 3, 1995 and was not seen during the months of searching before he was pronounced legally dead. Earlier this week, he was found and captured by a group of freshmen who were smoking weed in the Preserve since they didn't realize everyone smokes in the Quads anyway. "I was taking a leak on some bushes when he just jumped out of the brush wooping and screaming. I was so shocked, I pissed on myself!" explained Bobby O'Toole. "He ran over to my boys and bit Sean on the shoulder! But my boys aren't scared of shit. We took him down, pinned him, and punched him for almost ten minutes before he calmed down. For good measure, we kept at it for another few minutes. We then stashed our roaches and called RUPD." The police identified the boy by his fingerprints and soon realized the raving wild child
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
was Arthur McClanahan-White, now 18 years old. Campus policemedia liaison Paulie Sofficer told the press, "Arthur has been reunited with his parents and seems to have already regained some semblance of civility and language. He has sustained superficial injuries from his captors. His mental recovery will be mediated and by an esteemed Rutgers philosophy professor. Though wouldn't it make more sense if she were a psychology professor? "For insights, we present Arthur. Welcome back son," Sofficer said, yielding the podium to a recently groomed, lightly-bruised young man. "Years, I live in woods. Wake. Hunt. Eat. Sleep. Survive. No play, fight for life. Needed food, ate deer. Deer retaliate. Deer herd growing. No more predators. Piercing antlers. Army of legions. BEWARE! ACT! FIGHT!" Arthur jumped and screamed excitedly. Rushed off the stage and sedated, Arthur is thought to have not completely recovered from the trauma. The press conference was soon after dismissed. In a message from President Barchi, the University welcomes McClanahan-White back to Continued on Page A7 Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field The Pope's Evil Twin
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Beta Revolution. You guys will get laid some day. Just after the Alphas.
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
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FEATURES
“WHO READS FRENCH WE HAVE A BOOK WE CANNOT READ”
STUDY BUDDIES
MIDTERM QUIZ BY THE HEN HEN
1) As of today, how many football scandals are there thus far? a) 1 b) 3 c) 5 d) - 1766 2) What is 1 + 1 ? a) Nope. Not this one b) Still not this one c) 2 d) You’ve gone too far. Go back to C 3) Little Bobby got a “NP” on his expos paper. What does “NP” stand for? a) No Problem b) Nice Paper c) No Picture d) Nintendo Power 4) Use the blank space below to draw the Scarlet Knight made out of vegetables and fruits.
YOUR WEEKLY HOW TO
HOW TO SURVIVE THE INTERNET BEING DOWN BY GRIND ALL
So last week we had that fucking scandal of the internet being down and yeah I probably should have written these tips then but fuck Exfocus is gonna come back, we all know it so here are some tips on how to survive the internet crash that is bound to happen again. 1. The most important thing is to download all your porn right now. Dude the internet was down for a week last semester. We all know how hard it is to go without porn for even like a day and let’s be real here, you do not have the luxury of having a data plan that lets you stream all the fucking porn you want without having to pay $400 for your phone bill at the end of the month. Anyway, phone screens are too small for good porn quality.
FUCK IT LIST
RUTGERS BUCKET LIST BY GRIND ALL & SAWYER
1. Have sex in Rutgers Gardens 2. Have sex on Barchi’s porch 3. Have sex in the Livi Dining Hall 4. Have sex in the business building 5. Have sex with your RA 6. Have sex in the Livi Preserve 7. Take your date to dinner at a respectable establishment
UH HUH HONEY
LADIES WANT WHAT IS IN MY PANTS BY SAWYER
Against all reason, man buns are a desirable thing to have now, but I accept it. As a man with a pair of ample buttocks, I am flattered. There’s no avoiding the signs that permeate popular culture nowadays. Jake Gyllenhaal, Bradley Cooper, and Leonardo DiCaprio have their asses plastered across tabloids for their man buns. Women may seem to be attracted to shredded abs and bulging arms, but this proves they would rather have a man with impressive junk… in the trunk. Having always been self-conscious of my protrusive posterior, I want to thank the ladies for approving of donks such as mine. I’ve noticed girls smiling approvingly at the bulge in my pants as we pass and I notice them smiling even more once they’ve looked back. I’ve got man bun and I want to flaunt it. Slacks aren’t form-fitting enough, so I’ve moved onward to Lulu Lemons and leggings.
2. Look at your friend group, who you can ACTUALLY hang out with, without the distraction of Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat and not want to kill. You’d be really fucking surprised how many kids you just put up with because you were too busy on the internet to actually hear the annoying shit that comes out of their mouths. Guys this is super important. When the internet is down you have to actually talk to people. It’s like the fucking 90s and it’s terrifying. So you’ll probably dwindle your friend group down to like 3 people but whatever, you’ll get through Exfocus.
3. Make sure you’ve got your Tinder buds numbers. All of the sudden you’re gonna have way too much time on your hands and you’re gonna need some sort of release. If you were an idiot and didn’t do the first thing I told you to do (go download your porn now) then you’re gonna have to actually try to find someone to fuck. We all know that finding someone in real life is scary and unrealistic so your best bet is Tinder. So please, please get their number so you can actually have contact with them. 4. Idk maybe you should download your textbooks onto a flash drive or whatever? Professors cancel shit anyway. And even if they don’t you can just complain and whatever. Honestly the most important part of the internet being down isn’t the fact that you can’t do schoolwork. It’s the fact that you can’t procrastinate doing your schoolwork.
I BARELY HAVE GRAY BOX SPACE! COME TO OUR MEETINGS 8 PM WEDNESDAY, CASC 439
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
“Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes, I’ll trade you a goat.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
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WAKE ME UP
Netflix or Chill?
October Isn’t That Great BY NOVEMBER
“Netflix.”
Reed Hastings CEO, Netflix Inc.
“Chill.”
Mr. Freeze Prefers Hulu
“Plausible deniability.”
Bobby McMullins Overly-pragmatic frat bro I’m in a rush, so this week’s ad will be in Mad-Lib format!
________ to our meetings! We ________ Verb
Verb
Wednesdays at 8:00 PM in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center! Make sure to wear a _______!
Brand of Condom
FOR YOUR MONEY
Donald Trump’s
FIVE TIPS
for preventing
MEXICANS This Winter!
There’s a motherfucking problem in America. There are a lot of them, in fact - rape, theft, shootings - and they can be traced back to one country: Mexico. As the leading Republican candidate - and I am - here are my five tips for keeping the Mexicans away from your children. BUILD A WALL. Yeah, that’s right. Not a little fence to keep the black family’s daughter out of your pool. I’m talking a big motherfucking wall. You know who did this? China. GET OUT OF ATLANTIC CITY. You know, I get a lot of shit for declaring bankruptcy. But you know what, I got out of Atlantic City years before the Mexicans showed up. That’s why all of our debt is being bought by China. BE A SELF-MADE MAN. And if you can’t do it, ask your father for help. Mexicans stealing your jobs? Take them back. Don’t sit idly and let all of our jobs go to China. STOP ASKING FOR IT. This one’s for the ladies. Illegal aliens aren’t required to learn English; they see your daughter wearing leg warmers and scrunchies and assume that means “fuck my tight young pussy por favor.” That doesn’t happen in China. MOVE TO CHINA. Hey, they love me in China.
Seriously, what the fuck is going on. Don’t think I don’t see the tweets, the Facebook posts, and don’t even get me started about fucking Tumblr. What is the new damn obsession with October? “OMG October time for the leaves to change colors, pumpkin spiced lattes and sweaters I’m so happy.” Fuck you and fuck the leaves. When the leaves change colors they die! They change like a wrinkled old fuck shitting themselves and then they die. What’s so great about that. You can wear a sweater anytime you want and pretty soon they will have pumpkin spiced bullshit starting in that bastard month August. Remember your old pal November? The times we’ve always had. I always deliver on my promises of good times and happy memories. But October, sorry I’m just not sold. October is the beginning of the bullshit weather changes. You know you wake up to go to work in the morning at 33 degrees and by noon it’s 75. Now you’re stuck wearing goddamn pants. I wouldn’t jerk you around like that. No, November will let you know what to expect, I’ll tell you straight up: “Hey, wear a coat all day, even when you’re taking a shit,” because I am the month that cares. Even Halloween is some downright bullshit cock sucking pile of wrongness. When do you have fun during Halloween? At night! Okay so now we are on the right path. So by the time you have a couple of drinks in you and are hooking up with that cutie you saw walking down Mine Street, it is FUCKING NOVEMBER! That’s my credit, my score, and October has nothing to do with it. Even when you were a kid, I bet you thought trick or treating was fun. Sure you get a pillowcase full of candy, but when do you eat the majority of the candy? November! You just ended up with a stomach ache and your step mom yelling at you for staying out too late in October. I’m not trying to say I’m the best. We all know December is the shit. But I have Thanksgiving. Football, the parade, mindless murder of hundreds of thousands of turkeys, all great values you were born and raised on. So next time you want to post a meme about October with some cat with a pumpkin around its fucking head, think how wrong you are.
OPINIONS IN PICTURES
Women’s Rights in the U.S.
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“Remember, coffee enemas are dangerous”
“THE THIRTEENTH ZODIAC” BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS
“BEYMAX” BY SAWYER
JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. JUST SEND IT! DON’T ASK QUESTIONS DICK OF THE WEEK: GO METS!
“BEING A PREPPY SHITBAG” BY SAWYER
“DREAM ALERT” BY GOLDIELOCKS
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the Medium
PERSONALS
I Hate All of You Damn it, I was hoping Meg Ryan should be in this hurricane would give more films. me more time to wank (I’d agree if this was still it. Uh I mean, study for the 90s.) midterms. So Kate Upton’s boobs... (Who says you can’t do am I riteeeeeeee? both? This is college after (But Justin Verlander’s all, multitasking is key and ass...am I right?? a necessity.) Girls: don’t wear thongs To the freak wearing the and white shorts if you Catholic school uniform ate a lot of Taco Bell the on college ave, you are a sick pervert fuck and I night before. (Let’s just tell girls to stop hope you die. wearing white shorts in (Are you just bitter be- general. It never ends well.) cause you couldn’t be the one wearing the uniform? I got crossfaded and threw up on my boySounds like it.) friend. SUCK IT: My roommate (Wow and you guys are still got stuck at his girl’s together? Maybe true love during the storm!! Now does exist.) he has to have sex there!! I saw the guy and the (Dude I gotta be honest, I place. stopped giving a shit last (Uh, good for you I guess.) week.)
Thing I hate this week: Hurricane Joaquin Phoenix. Why? Because memes suck and actual Joaquin Phoenix is a treasure.
Cold Hard Truth
Did Miley ever say what was good?
(I don’t think so, but it probably has something to do with weed and licking unsanitary objects.) Pumpkin spice M&Ms are an abmonimation. (Pretty much anything pumkin spice is an abomination.) My favorite taco place doesn’t take Discover. (Why the fuck do you even have Discover?) Who’s dick do you have to suck to get on the campus story? (I’m not sure, but I highly encourage you to find out on your own.) I’m tired of sticking my hand in my ass to clean it. We replaced paper towels with hot air dryers. When do we start sticking heat guns in our cracks? (Tell you what, why don’t you take the initiative and be the first one to stick a heat gun in your ass? Do it. I believe in you.)
(Don’t say that, they were in love or whatever. They totally didn’t get married just to fuck or anything.) Fuck the cocksucking bus driver who put his bus out of service at (Wait. You mean to tell me that the Rutgers bus system fucked you over? This is unheard of, omg I am so sorry.)
A guy I know fingered his asshole in front of us because of a dare. (Tell him to talk to to heat gun guy above.)
Wednesdays at 8pm in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 439!
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“.I’m dead inside.”
Romeo was a fuckboy and Juliet was just dick thirsty.
Come to our meetings and you’ll finally understand why I have been saying “Fucking Landen” for the past three weeks.
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
My professor asked the class if everyone knew what a clitoris is. (I’m guessing every guy in the class had to google “clitoris” right?) I purposely sit next to the international asian students on the bus to make them feel uncomfortable. (Okay, but you know they’re talking shit about you in their respective native languages right?)
I am still not going to beg you for personals. Just send them in. I know none of you have anything better to do with your lives anyway. themedium.personals@gmail.com
Leave Me Alone
Omg Luv Yourself
To the girl in the orange sweater that came in the Media room, come back!! (Why the fuck does everyone think this is some match. com type of shit? I am not a matchmaker. I don’t care about your happiness.)
I spent my Saturday night studying and having raw cookie dough and frozen waffles for dinner. Then I got a tummy ache from the cookie dough.
I feel emotionally attached to the fat, sweaty guy who sat next to me on the bus. (What the hell did I just say?)
HackRU was the one event that most of its participants got closest to sleeping next to a girl. (I’m willing to bet you were one of those participants, weren’t you? Don’t try to act so high and mighty.)
Hurricane Joaquin is just another form of RUScrew, where we get our hopes up to once again have an entire week off only to rain us for 4 days and then whimper off. (I’m not sure how you managed to blame Rutgers for this but I am so glad you did.) My roommates have finally cleaned! (Enjoy it while it lasts because I bet in less than 24 hours you’ll go back to living in filth again.)
I hate everyone who makes whale sperm.
(Is this some ethical thing, or are you just low key jealous of these people?) (Fucking Landen.)
(Living life on the edge I see.) I hate those single fucks who constantly share these “your ideal partner should be” or “why you shouldn’t settle.” Like shut the fuck up cause it shows how pathetic you are and the fact that you’re incapable of loving yourself. (But do you think your ideal partner would feel the same way you do?) I have to confront my professor about a bad grade. Would it be a bad idea if I blasted T. Swift’s “Bad Blood” as I walked into her office? (Well, if I’m to be honest... Actually you know what. Yes. It’s a great idea. I’m sure your professor will want to hear every word that comes out of your mouth after that.) My calves are too fat for standard rainboots. (What a tragedy. My heart breaks for you.) I need a giant girth phone charger to really fill up the juices of my phone battery. I know this is a metaphor for something else and I am very uncomfortable.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, October 7th, 2015
“Free Rick Sanchez!”
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NOVA’S GOTTA WOODY ...He shouldn’t fuck this up
the Medium
BEARS ARE GOING CRAZY continued from Sports
Campus in Piscataway, NJ, 08854,” promises to feature exactly what the name suggests. All signs point to Gary being the star of this segment for years to come. “With all the negative press surrounding our program lately, it’s nice to hear Gary is having some success. So where’d he get hired? Goldman? Barclays? Something impressive?” Asked head coach Kyle Flood. “Wait, he’s working at Woody’s, that little cafeteria thing on Busch? That sounds like it fucking sucks!”
..Hide yo kids
continued from News
authorities. Seven were classified as “do not open” and three were called “too hot to look at.” The Medium is currently waiting on confirmation on exactly what that means. “I’ll be around here for a couple of months at least,” said the local bear. “Make sure to come say hi!”
DOWN UNDA
...Guns motherfucker
continued from News
in particular concealable handguns or automatic assault rifles, does not solve the issue of gun violence as leftist policy naively believed. ..Wild Wild Horses After the shooting began, several citizens attempted to flee the scene, however, continued from News only a few survived. One traumatized Aussie had this to say, “I mean, no one got civilization and offers a full reparative scholarship hurt. Just wet. Wait, murder? Shootings? No, no. It was just a community game in to the savage adolescent. It is speculated that Arthur the park. We do a big Super Soaker fight every year in Melbourne!” Responses such as this were gathered from our reporters all over the nation, will accept and plans on studying Ecology and pointing towards Australia’s deteriorating mental health as the only cause of gun Environmental Science. Arthur has also pledged to not give up the fight against the rising deer army. He violence, and not easy access to firearms, like a .44 Magnum sold affordably from claims they have not taken kindly to Rutgers’s land Remington starting at $995 with no background checks. seizure and have munitions, stolen from the ROTC riflemen.
STRAWBERRY PRESERVES
SOMOS ARDILLAS PENDEJOS
“Soy una ardilla linda.”-Juanita
“Yo vengo aquí a trabajar para las tuercas para enviar a casa con mi familia.”-Suarez
“Follar mi culo ardilla hijo de puta.”-Manuel
“Yo quiero Taco Bell.”Mariana
“Hola.”-Carlito
october 7th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com PUT SABAN IN CHARGE OF RUTGERS AND JUST WATCH
COACH THAT ALWAYS HAS THE MOST TALENTED TEAM CONSIDERED GREAT BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON
COLUMBUS, OH— Often American sports culture is depicted as one that always roots for the underdog. This tends not to hold true in college football, where the rich get richer when powerhouse schools like Alabama or Ohio State consistently get the most talented players in the world trying to join their teams. Sports fans are quick to look for someone to pin either success or failure on, and college football coaches in particular receive a lot of attention even though the talent level of players is more likely to impact a game than a coach. So when Nick Saban, one of the most decorated coaches in history received his eight million dollar annual payday from The University of Alabama, even he was a bit surprised. “You kiddin’ me? No one deserves eight million
tanked as the Dolphin’s coach before bolting for Sweet Home Alabama. We were fucking terrible because the team was bad and I wasn’t about to magically make everyone on the team talented. Luckily at Alabama I don’t need magic because the best football players in the country flock to me.” Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer shared similar sentiments when a reporter asked him if he felt like he had single handedly rebuilt the Ohio State dynasty. “What? Jesus, no, absolutely "OH NO! WE ONLY GOT NINE OF THE TOP TEN RECRUITS!" not. What the hell did I do?” A pensive Nick Saban chows down on some Nutter Butters ™ while asked Meyer. “Every year a reviewing the latest recruiting class information on Rivals.com. Saban bunch of winners join our should not pout for long though, as he has pending Coach of the Year awards program and then all of a sudden to collect thanks to the achievements of his players I get credit for it when they do dollars to yell at kids all day,” class ranked near the top in the exactly what they always do, Saban expressed with honesty. country every single year. That’s which is win.” Coaches know the players “Anyone could remain near just obvious to me. the top of rankings when you I even proved I’m not a are the reason we make millions. consistently get a recruiting great coach when I completely Too bad they won’t pay ’em.”
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: MICHIGAN STATE vs. RUTGERS
Gary Nova scores dream job at Woody’s Cafe BY SHREG GIANO
-If you must tailgate before the game, look out. Cops have been cracking down on underage drinking during tailgating
-Have interim head coach Norris Wilson crack jokes on the opposing sideline to distract them from the task at hand
-It would be kind of irresponsible to drink before your game, yes, but based on Rutgers performance against a relatively weak Penn State team you should be good
-Have all offensive staff members rip multiple bong hits to perhaps facilitate some semblance of creativity in the gameplan
-Your coaches should be fired if they can’t figure this out, but Rutgers can’t throw. You know this, so why are you even asking? Dickheads
-Kyle flood cannot coach Rutgers this game, but no one ever said he can’t coach Michigan State. Have Flood coach a horrendous game as Michigan State’s coach and perhaps you will almost have a chance
PISCATAWAY, NJ— Being a Rutgers football alumni has its perks. This has never been more clear than on Monday morning, when Rutgers Dining Services unveiled their newest employee: former Rutgers quarterback Gary Nova. “Gary is an excellent addition to the Woody’s staff,” manager Jordan Jefferson told reporters. “The way he applies what he learned in college about throwing things with accuracy translates wonderfully to the service industry, where Gary can throw together just about any type of wrap or sandwich you wish.” I highly recommend trying Gary’s crispy chicken wraps, his speciality. They feature the same massproduced, dry chicken that the rest of our eateries carry, but they’re prepared by a former Division One
same format
SINCE change requires effort
quarterback. Neato!” The recent hire has filled the Rutgers football community with such immense pride that a new segment will replace “Knights in the NFL” during football games. The new segment, titled “Former turnoverprone Rutgers Quarterbacks in the Rutgers Food Services Department Being Paid Minimum Wage on Busch Continued on Page A7
"DIY MAC AND CHEESE" Gary’s culinary skills know no end. When he heard a customer asking for mac and cheese, he masterfully transformed the plain, dull pasta into tasty macaroni and cheese