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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliii Issue I
OH, THE TIMES, THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'
SO MUCH RUTGERS NEWS IT CAN'T ALL BE PRINTED
BY THE KILLA WHALE & STUNAMI NEWS EDITORS
EVERYWHERE—Since the end of the Spring 2012 semester, there have been numerous incredibly important and wellknown events which is now making it difficult for the media to keep up with the influx of news. In June alone, there were so many things that caused catastrophic changes to the Rutgers bureaucracy that they are still on back log to be reported. "I don't even know how to begin my classes or start to explain the new procedures and the major happenings that have climaxed into a ridiculously different university atmosphere," said engineering Professor Roger Peterson. Between the overly obvious and the barely noticeable changes, it's apparent that students were in a state of shock when returning to campus last week. Senior Deborah Upton, 27, has been attending Rutgers for nine years and expressed her concern for the overwhelming
75¢
september 12th, 2012
NEWS QUICKIES
Inflation Raises Campus Prices That's right. Our paper now costs $0.75. You can pay the nearest receptionist or take a walk to Records Hall and pay for a full semester at the registrar.
New NFL season gives women a reason to Google the rules
RADICAL ALTERATIONS Note the major differences and clearly noticeable changes done to the School of Communication, just a small portion of the mass of news.
amount of physical, internal, and structural changes. "When I came to my first class on Douglass last week and looked around I was totally taken back by all the things that happened while I was gone," said Upton. Students attempting to read the uncomfortable amount of stories published in the Daily
HORSE-ING AROUND
Women like Senior Dawn Trenery are beginning their annual study of professional football rules again. "If I want to keep up with my boyfriend and his 13 fantasy leagues, I need to know the difference between a field goal and a touchdown," said Trenery.
Student Hopeful He Can Break Last Year's Neatness Record
Targum this past week were stopped short because issues were, in the words of one freshman, "too long," and thusly he "did not read." Junior Jamal White will be RUTV viewership doubled this past weekend from an av- attempting to surpass his previerage of one viewer to two. The ous record of three weeks with unprecedented growth in view- neat handwriting on written assignments and may even try to go an entire month without Continued on Page 2 skipping a class. Roommate Damien Beck said, "Nah, just nah...pushing it," as he lit up a cigarette outside of Murray Hall.
Equestrian Team Holding Clop-On Tryouts BY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
PISCATAWAY—The Equestrian team at Rutgers University is looking forward to another successful season and they are looking for more participants to hop the fences and join the action. “We are looking for horses that have a natural ability to move fast and jump high,” said human coach Walter Rathers. “Proficiency in gallop, canter, and leaping is a plus but not required. We will train anyone who has great potential.” Members of the team cite the great friendships they have made as an incentive to join. “micrulwrcrk985ewmjx8jc xnmasdasm,sjhadkjfsdmnazjz dcmdsmdaccdcckv,” said Team Captain Butterscotch in a written statement.
“Neigh. Hrrumph. Neigh. Wheeerrrrrrrr,” added team member Oreo, who had been red-shirted last year to train further. “Hrrumph. Brrrrrbp. Wheeeeeerrrrrrr. Neigh.” “I am looking forward to meeting the new horses,” said rider Greg Connel, a senior from Red Bank, NJ. “We are always looking for teammates. We don’t just work hard. We play hard.” Anyone interested in hammering on their horseshoes and attaching those padded things to their legs is invited to a general interest meeting at 6:00pm at the stables on Cook Campus. Horses are asked to bring their Fall 2012 class schedule and a bucket to assist with the required urine test. Carrots will be served.
Voted Best Publication ESTABLISHED 1970
Apple, Inc. announces an announcement of an announcement This Monday, expect big news for next Tuesday regarding the following Wednesday. There is no word yet on whether or not a conference will be held before the announcement. Editor's Note...
9/11 Memorial Issue Postponed Until Next Year
the Medium
NEWS
“All you have to do is suck and you get black balls in your mouth”
OPTIMISM
Bright-Eyed Freshman Excited to Begin New Job at Rutgers
gum and I applied immediately,” added Phillips. “I got hired NEW BRUNSWICK—With her so fast, I couldn’t believe it.” Phillips is optimistic about first semester in full swing, Jaher employment with the orgamie Phillips is excited for the nization. world of opportunity that awaits “I only have to work a couher at Rutgers. ple of nights a week, and I get to “I really had a great time at call lots of people who love Rutorientation and my RA is really gers just as much as I do. I don’t nice,” said Phillips, 18, Teaneck, NJ. “So far everything has been see how this job could have a great. I’m having the experience downside.” Phillips added that the fievery first year student should nancial incentives of the posihave!” Phillips is particularly excit- tion are extremely lucrative. “They keep mentioning ed for her new job at the Rutgers how it is the highest paying Telefund. The Telefund, located job on campus. I feel so lucky. I in an office on George Street, solicits gifts from university alum- mean, how are people not aware of this wonderful opportunity?” ni via telephone. “I found the ad in the TarBY NADROJ STAFF WRITER
UNDER THE BRIDGE DOWNTOWN...
"Bridge Guy" Returns From Semester Abroad
Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
NEWS IN PICTURES
Group Photo Adjusted to Show More Diversity SUBMITTED BY KCIG MANAGING EDITOR
GROUP SHOT BEFORE Campus officials noted that the overall focus of this picture was overly Caucasian and would not effectively engage a Negro audience.
ture by interacting with the locals. ROUTE 18 — Stuart Mickelson, “Some guy said I was actotherwise known as “The Bridge ing ‘barmy.’ So I cut him and Guy,” has returned to his home took his wallet.” under the Route 18 bridge after “Bridge Guy” spends most living under European bridges of his day by the Raritan River and was excited to spend the enduring a summer abroad. Mickelson, who has been tire day walking by the Thames homeless for the last 5 years, River in an attempt to somehow saved up the spare change he make the day go by without a had collected from strangers to job or having other people to infund his backpacking excursion teract with. “It was tough to leave,” around famous bridges. “I spent most of my time Mickelson expressed. “But I’m under Tower Bridge in London,” happy to be ‘home.’ I was startsaid Mickelson. “That’s where I ing to miss my own tables and soaked up the most bridge cul- chairs and box house that I’ve amassed and crammed under ture. GROUP SHOT AFTER “I got to eat a lot of soggy the over pass.” By adjusting the brightness and color levels on the image, officials were fish and chips that people threw Since his return other able to accurately portray the desired ethnic presence they wanted. away. And I got drunk on real homeless men in nearby Boyd British ale instead of the wine I Park have complained that NEWS ABOUT NEWS Mickelson has been “stuck-up” usually ferment in a bucket.” ...continued from front Mickelson also said he since his “fancy” trip abroad. ership can only be attributed It is a time of great uncertainty gained experience in British culto interest in the cataclysmic for this great institution. Chaos events shaking New Brunswick is beginning to take hold as upperclassmen struggle to traverse and Piscataway. Was this sentence written in pencil? Find "Fact-checking stories is and recognize campus the same out this and more, Wednesday nights at 6:30 now impossible, seeing as how as their first-year counterparts. nobody has any clue as to what's Note: Registration for Alumni p.m. in room 439 (RSC). The Medium needs going on here anymore," said orientation opens this Wednesyour help! history professor Larry Benitis. day. BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
News Editors Shane Whelan Stewart Hallman Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano John Eberhardt
Back Page Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Ben Green Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Cubby the Pug
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my best friend, Cubby Thanks for the memories, you will forever be missed but never forgotten. Love ya bud.
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
the Medium
“I recently discovered how much I love looking at phalluses”
PHALLUS OF THE WEEK
TREES
The weekly drag TRAINWRECK
APPAREL What Your Sweatshirt Says About You
Sweatshirt for an Ivy League school: 1) You think you didn’t get into the Ivy Leagues not because you aren’t qualified, but because of some statistical flaw. 2) Will tell everybody at Rutgers unprompted that it was your safety school. 3) Will tell everybody who doesn’t go to Rutgers that it can be considered a “public ivy.” 4) You still remember what you got on your SATs.
Sweatshirt from high school: 1) You peaked in high school, your whole life is downhill from here. 2) You are not cool anymore but don’t know what to do about it.
1.
2.
3.
Sweatshirt for a frat 1) You have had sex with a girl against her will. 2) You know a disconcerting amount about male homosexual sex. 3) All your preferences and opinions are awful. Rutgers Sweatshirt 1) Nothing. Nobody thinks anything about you. You are just a blank face in a crowd. Funny Graphic Sweatshirt 1) References internet memes in normal conversation. 2) Will accept any dare without regard to own reputation. 3) Thinks South Park is still funny.
CUTE THING OF THE WEEK
4.
By A PERSON WHO’S NAME WILL NOT BE MENTIONED AT ALL DUE TO LEGAL REASONS Date: Saturday Night Strain: Trainwreck First off, let me acknowledge that our previous weed reviews from a few years ago were very awesome. There has since been a demand, (by the writer and absolutely no one else), to have more of this kind of content available. I had purchased a new bowl and a grinder and was desperate to give this stuff a try. I have been out of the bud game for most of the summer. Between the lack of THC resistance in my body and the potency of this stuff, I was knocked to the floor.
I finally came to and realized I was hungry. R E A L LY hungry. So I called La Familia and ordered a meatball Stromboli. The Stromboli came in about fifteen minutes and was piping hot. The crust was nice and crispy with a golden brown hue that shifted into a beautiful burnt brownish-black at its edges. The two cuts in the top erupted with steam and cheese like a modern-day Vesuvius.
The flavor was superb. The combination of the molten cheese and the tender meatballs was excellent at 2:00am on a Friday. The rewarding flavors were complemented perfectly by the side of arrabiata sauce (essenLiterally. Or, rather, nearly liter- tially marinara with extra spice). ally. I landed on the couch and This spicy red sauce mixed with did not move. Seconds Turned the sweet meatballs. (I detected into minutes. Minutes turned a hint of sage and nutmeg. A into hours. Hours turned into winning, though very surprisdays. After what felt like a per- ing, combination.) formance of Eienstein on the Beach (A seven hour Philip I would definitely order from La Glass Ballet), Familia again.
PLEASE SEND ME E-MAILS FOR FREE FELLATIO: THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM LOGISTICS 2 ROUTES MADE EASIER W/EASY INSTRUCTIONS
5.USE YOUR IMAGINATION
Shortcut One: North Tower to South Tower on Livingston Campus. 1. Exit the North Lynton tower via the southern anterior door. 2. Follow path straight for approximately 16.5 paces. 3. Make a swift and sharp right turn at the solar powered trash receptacle. 4. Follow 6 paces beyond the western most flower bed. 5. The South tower shall now be within your field of vision. 6. Look both ways before crossing the knoll and entering either of the double thick super security doors.
S. Buschemi stalks you quietly from the corner of my page.
Shortcut Two: Route 18 to Route 1. 1. Exit onto route 18 from the College Avenue highway exit. 2. Stop 3. Go 4. Stop 5. Go 6. Stop 7. Go 8. Stop 9. Go 10. Stop 11. Go 12. Repat steps 2-10 until you reach the exit for route one. With these instructions you should arrive within the hour.
the Medium
OP/ED
“9/11 people won’t get this joke.”
LOOKING BACK
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Even Though Rutgers Wasn’t My First Choice... BY JESSICA LAMPERT When I was a high school senior applying to college, I can’t say Rutgers was my first choice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud to be a Scarlet Knight, I just never thought it would happen. Back then, I had a lot of different ideas about what college would be like. Most were optimistic, like hoping that your professors would remember your face or that a classroom wouldn’t have any holes in the ceiling. Oh, I’m not saying anything bad about Rutgers. No way, I bleed scarlet! I’m just speaking completely hypothetically. Sometimes, I used to think about the Ivy League. I even applied to Brown and spent the $80 application fee, the interview, everything. But I guess not having an obscure talent or being part Native American kept me out. Not that it still bothers me; Rutgers
Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
Why the Quads are Still the Best Place to Live on Livington Campus BY JOHN MARSHALL
Oh man, those still accepted me(and apparently every other stu- Livi Apartment resident in New Jersey with dents have no idea what they’re missing out on. a pulse). They think they have it But that’s ok! Even so good, right next to more people with Rut- the best dining hall on campus, but what they gers pride! DON’T realize is how I’ve learned so much the quads are the REAL more than I ever thought prime real estate here. was possible at Rutgers. Where do you want I’ve been able to experience a 200 person lecture to be when you wake up hall first hand. I spend and realize your class in the beginning of every LSH starts in five minsemester begging for spe- utes? All the way over in cial permission numbers the Yellow Lot, or in a nice just so I can graduate a comfy quad right next to the classroom buildings? semester late. How’s that stainless steel The most important kitchen (complete with lessons I learned have dishwasher and eat-in been about life. Because counter) going to help of Rutgers, I’m well you once you’ve failed versed in gang symbols Planet Earth because you and negotiating rent con- missed a crucial piece of information? tracts with slumlords. I’m happy to trade in ivy-covered buildings to experience 4 people get shot during an all day, campus wide, booze fest. RU rah rah!
And don’t even get me started on the bus situation. Anyone who’s ever taken the LX knows how horrible it is to wait for the driver to finish
their smoke break at the student center. At the quads stop, the bus pulls right up, you get on, and it goes right off to College Ave. Sure, 90% of the time the bus is so packed the door amputates your leg, but the time you save during the other ten percent more than makes up for it. Time equals mon-
“My shitty lottery number will bring me wealth, fame, and women.” ey, and you’re practically making back your entire Rutgers tuition at the cost of one measly limb. I came to Rutgers for excitement; to learn important life skills. The kind of skills you only learn when you’re so immersed in your classes, you have to live near them. Eat near them. Sleep near them. Sometimes sleep in them. We
pay for the privilege of actually becoming educated individuals who will contribute to society. You pay MORE for a nearby movie theater, 24hour diner, and one bathroom per resident. Just you wait until grades come back at the end of the year. You’ll be lucky to live under the bridge, let alone in your precious palace. My shitty lottery number will bring me wealth, fame, and women. Yours will bring you sloth, gluttony, and vice. Maybe next year, I’ll consider trading with one of the Livi Apartment residents. In times like this, sometimes one should be the better man and take one for the team. I think I can manage to live amongst all these disadvantages without any adverse impact on my academics. After all, it’s not like I WANT one or anything.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Who Was Your Best Summer Hookup?
“Finally got it in with Stacey Stoner from economics. Hot. Nuff said.” David Kociolek, Business Major
“Nope. Maybe with a hanky.” Stacey Stoner, Single & Virgin
“Yeah...still had a good time...I guess.” David Kociolek, Also a Virgin
SPEAKING OF BDSM, SUBMIT TO THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
ARTS
Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
the Medium
“Oh My Good Guinea Golly Gosh”
CHEF RAMSAY GOES TO BROWER COMMONS
IS THIS HOW YOU MAKE LASAGNA HERE!?
SPIDER BLOCK
IT’S STUFFED WITH AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CHEESE AND IT’S SMOTHERED IN TOMATO SAUCE.
NOW THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE LASAGNA!
ANIMALS THAT LOOK LIKE BEANS NOODLERAFFES
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY YOU! Wanna draw for me? Submit to:
themedium.arts@ gmail.com Wanna meet up? Wanna be friends? Come hang out at:
6:30pm-7:30pm at RSC, Rm 439
PERSONALS
the Medium CLASSICS To the dining halls: fuck you for making me fat again. i lost seven pounds over the summer and in a matter of three trips to Brower, I have started seeing my stomach show up again. SERVE BROWN RICE GODDAMMIT! (Congratulations on losing those pounds! I’m sure if you just use a little self control, monitor your portion sizes and stop stuffing your fat face with red velvet cake you’ll be able to keep them off!) To the guy in my class that I’m too embarrassed to say the name of: your sleeves were rolled up, your moccasins were glinting in the evening light, and your insightful comments kept me at the edge of my seat<3
Wednesday, September 12th 2012
“Float like a butterfly, sting like VD”
DA SCREW
READ ME
RACISM. ANGER. LUST. CHICKEN TAKEOUT NIGHT.
To parking services: I most certainly WILL pay in person for my parking pass. Just because your entire staff is terrible at Welcome to another semesester of Personals, you guys! I’m so happy to be back talking to people doesn’t as your left side editor. Or at least I was...until I checked the Personals email. mean I should pay for it Wow! The semester may have just started but you guys sure are full of disdain online. and misogyny. That didn’t take long. Anyway, if you’re a transfer or a freshman or you’re foreign, here’s how this works: (Come on, I know you can 1. You see something give me something better 2. You HATE it than this...this is parking 3. You email it to me services god damn it. Get angrier.) I’ll do my part by ripping you guys to shit via the comments, and you’ll unload Hey rutgers! Which all of that pent up rage at your teachers, friends and The Man. Everybody wins. fuckwad administrator’s Here’s to another shitty semester, SEND US PERSONALS!!!!!!!!!!!! pay didn’t get cut so I had to pay $100 more to park this year? (Well that’s what you get for buying a pass for the fucking green lot on Livingston)
When I’m driving at Rutgers, I fucking hate all the pedestrians because they jump in front of my car (Don’t get your panties in like a deer with Down’s When I’m a bunch, a guy who rocks Syndrome. walking places at Rutmoccasins to class is tryna gers, I fucking hate all get that DICK...if you know the shittyass drivers bewhat I mean) cause they think they’re To the lost international playing fucking Frogger student: it is appropriate with me. Suck my balls, to check your map to see bitches. where you are going. It is not appropriate to check Do you know what’s the map in the middle of worse than trying to drive down College Ave the fucking street. high as shit at 3 in the afTo my friend who’s ternoon? studying abroad: I’m not your fucking thera- (YES: nothing!! We should pist, grow a pair already! hang out sometime...) You’re in Europe, not Shitsville Africa. I’m se- To every bro that bailed riously sick of all your from the first football bitching and moaning game when the sky got about how lonely you are dark: you are all pussies. and shit and fuck...shut Go eat shit. To every bidthe fuck up already. Oh, die that bailed, you and you look like a troll. all missed out on the chance to win the first (Shitsville Africa> Poop- ever RU wet t-shirt contown Syria.) test.
BASKET OF PUPPIES
themedium.personals @gmail.com LOVE, ACTUALLY
LOVE, BLACKTUALLY
To my ex who is currently sitting right behind me: I almost want you to read this as I type it. I don’t know why. I don’t have anything mean to say at this point. I eventually will though.
To the black guy who asked me if weed was a drug on Easton last Sunday, and then offered me a hit of his joint when I said it wasn’t : you are the fucking man, dude.
Hey stranger in the College Ave computer lab. I accidentally took your gen psych syllabus from the printer, and didn’t realize until I got home. Sorry about that, it was an honest mistake. To the woman working at the Brower take out line who almost gave me an apple before switching it out with a better one: thanks so much! That apple was delicious! To the kid who tripped right next to me walking on the sidewalk, it’s ok buddy. It happens to all of us. Thanks bus drivers for always getting me safely to my destination and working long hours so I can get to class! To all the people who were in my orientation group, I still see some of you guys around campus and even though it would be weird to talk to you, I just wanted to say: congrats!! We all made it to senior year! I’m so proud of you all! I hope your last year at rutgers is as fun as those first few days getting to know the school!
MORE ANGER
To every toolbag Guidian that goes to this God-forsaken university: do you dumb asses really think that wearing sandals with socks somehow makes you cool? DING DONG IT (Wouldn’t it be funny if MUTHAFUCKAS: DOESN’T. Also, stop givthat guy was actually reading this issue. And he was ing me funny looks like, “I prefer the term ‘Af- on the bus when I’m with my girlfriend, who haprican American’”) pens to be white. I hope To the girl in my class, all of you get ground up you have an ass the size into curry powder that gets used on some of a fucking space shuttle. Its completely pot-bellied uncle’s tandisproportionate to the doori chicken. rest of you, and I have no clue how you can just To my supervisor, I walk around without should have had your clearance from NASA fucking job. It pisses me off that you show such first incompetence yet you were still able to best me Dear Uncle Ed, Thank you for everything in getting the position. Ill you’ve taught me so far have you know that I farYou and your roommates ted in your favorite in the halfway house on chair. Enjoy! High Street are going to make this year one to re- To the girl in my class who told me she was gomember. ing to “figure me out”. To everyone who came Bring it on, bitch. flooding back into New Brunswick over the past (And then two cheerleaders few weeks, you’ve all start fighting in a kiddy pool marked the end of the full of chocolate pudding) quiet all around. As a native of the area I can say To the girl in my creative that I hate all of you for writing class: cool denim taking away the ease of vest today, if our class parking and transporta- was called Creatively tion. On the plus side I Dress Like an Awkward make money when you Lesbian. Did you cut are all here, so I guess it those sleeves yourself? balances out. With some SCISSORS? Honestly when will ev(As a native during the eryone realize that you’re school year, please shut the just a bunch of fake posfuck up) ers trying to look poor?
Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Horse dance or die”
NOW FOR SOMETHING YOU'LL LOVE
JUDGING
BITCHIN
TWEETS
Everyday I’m Trufflin’s Truffle Treat Word of the Week I came up with the idea based on the opening credits of the show “Wilfred” (If you havn’t seen go download it because I don’t have the time or patience to explain myself) This week’s word is: EFFORT
To my friend who’s studying abroad: I’m not your fucking therapist, grow a pair already! You’re in Europe, not Shitsville Africa. I’m seriously sick of all your bitching and moaning
Mac city bitch, mac mac city bitch. 10 10 10 20 chicken nuggets bitch
#thatawkwardmoment when you have a crush on someone and they give you knucks #BroZone
Whether it be the thesis for that 400 level seminar, or for your page in a newspaper which you’re trying finish whilst having both head editors silently judge you for not finishing it earlier, the amount of effort you put into your work will dicate where you end up in life. Shows you how I ended up with this fucking job.
(That’s not a bad idea actually. Cuz worst-case scenario you get stung you can have your girl suck your dick so the swelling can go down)
To the motherfucker who edits this page: do it right the first time! Use the right size of gray boxes! Use lines that aren't slanted! Literally every single line breaking up text on this page was slanted about one degree. That shit is UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE MILLLLLLION YEARS DUNGEON! NO TRIALS!!! Thanks bus drivers for always getting me safely to my destination and working long hours so I can get to class!
a prestigous part of this University’s history)
football. If you don’t love her you are a flatout communist.
ANIMALS To the guy walking his dog on Easton Ave like week: I stopped to pet the dog, but I thought you were the cute one. You were with your friend, he kind of looked like maybe he was half black? You were big and Italian looking and you were smoking a cigarette. To be honest, I could just really tell you loved your dog, and I thought that was cute. I’m in a sorority and I’ll be looking for you around the neighborhood this year. When do cicada’s leave for the winter? I have lost many a good night of sleep due to these fuckers. (How the fuck should I know? I not a weatherman....go google it or some shit.)
There’s a gopher that lives under that bridge by the quads on Livi. Quad 1 specifically. If you guys are reading this, I just want you to know that I named him The Professor and and he likes Fruit Loops from Tillet... or whatever you kids are calling it these days. To the spider that lives under my sink: I hate you so much but god damn it do I respect you. You old fuck. I can never kill you, partly out of admiration and partly out of fear. My only hope is that you die under there from natural causes. And by natural causes I mean the fumes from the Scrubbing Bubbles. To all of the GOD DAMN BIRDS on college ave when I walk to my 8:10... one of these days I’m going to kick one of your little skulls in and never look back, fuckers. (HA “For the birds)
To the yellowjacket that decided to fly into my room when I was doin it with my girlfriend, be glad I only killed you with a txtbook and not my cock
Shakira has a sex tape...I may never leave my (Been there sista girl. Best you dorm room again (Whoever is tapping that deserves a medal. Her ass is TO DIE for.)
To that bitch in my Sociology in murray hall, when you woke up this morning did you really think a pound of make up would look good, or are you just practicing for clown school? Dear Rutgers, why do all the rooms on college avenue have to be so fucking hot? I’m trying to learn the material here not worry about whether or not I’m gonna pass out in class.
can do is hope to screw him when he’s drunk.)
Football is the best way to mask alcoholism. (Heard that. Thank God for football. And yeah, I spelt it with a capital “G”. Deal with it.)
IDIOCRACY To the kid in the Delta Chi shirt who fell flat on his own face at the tailgate...you tried to play it off my friend but me and my friends saw it. I wonder if you even remember. We do.
To my neurotic fucking roommate, no I didn’t To squirrel chilling in the (You clearly don’t go here.) have sex in your bed but tree right next to Chi Psi. I did have sex with your To that girl I met at Old I will fucking murder you the next time I spot Queens last night. I’m Why does Rutgers al- boyfriend and guess you. Since when was it glad I was able to see the ways gotta play the shitty what he had a small ok to over to me and pro- guy you wound up going college teams in football? weiner. To the Medium. What ceed to knaw the shit out home with toss you out of Howard? Really? his house. You should’ve my Nike Air Forces???!!! (Get that pole outta your ass bro. gives with no table? I’m come with me. I hope you fucking choke Its college football: the games a sophmore and I was don’t matter. It’s all about the looking foward to visiton your own nuts you To my editing partner for tailgates and the raging afterpar- ing your table and grabasshole. that paper, why do you ties later that night.) bing one of those “Fuck (I doubt even PETA would com- have to take so fucking Targum, thanks the Targum” bumper plain about that one bro. Fuck long to finish your page? Hey diamonds. Nike Air Forces are You’ve been here longer for all the full page stickers. I may have even signed up for a meeting. forever bro.) than I have, I’m trying to ads you’ve been print- But now I don’t think To Cubby the Pug. Al- do other shit than sit here ing. And by that I mean you deserve my fucking though I only met you and wait. K thanks by- thanks for all the fuck- attention. ing newspaper ink on my once, you had such a eeeeeeee. (First off you spelt “sophmore fingers profound effect on me I wrong. Its sophOmore. Also the am truly devastated on (Hey hey hey that is NOT proper (I hate ink on my fingers too, but fact you submitted a personal the news of your pass- work behavior. I adise to wright a thats cuz of all that money I’m means we did our job. Now you ing. Your incessant bark- strongly worded letter, and shove makin’. Hundred dolla billz y’all. just look like a fucking idot.) ing and no-nonsense at- it up your ass) Stacks on stack on stacks.) tidute at my attemots to To my roomate’s girlpet you truly touched me friend, stop giving the To all of the sluts on pa- BIG BLACK COCK in a way no other animal fucking stink eye you lit- rade at the tailgate this has yet to do. I hope that tle slut. Its not my prob- weekend...DAMN! You Whoever you are...we if there is a heaven God is lem he decides to live like guys really did not give were in the first floor giving you all the beggin a fucking pig. Do you a fuck. And whoever in- bathroom in the School of strips your little heart de- expect me to take care vented those shorts that Comm and all three of us went into the girls bathsires. of him? What am I his show that little bit of ass room at the same time. cleavage that hangs out Three people, three stalls. May the mailmen of the world maid? Fuck you, I hope the bottom, you are a true forever speak his name in hushed you catch a venereal disWe all started peeing at American. This one girl tones; as one would do to any leg- ease from him cuz I know the same time, when you he’s fucking more than was dancing on the back suddenly let this massive endary creature. of a truck and I think my just you. fart rip. You could tell dick gave her a standing These fucking NB cops you had no idea it was need to get rid of the A BIGGGGG shoutout to ovation. coming because it was mounted division. Its not Mamma Brower! Thank T o the girl walking down followed by a smaller, even a week in and I al- you for always saying hi the stairs in the student meeker fart...you were most stepped in their shit to me every time I head center talking about the trying to suppress it, three times. They need to in there for lunch. It lifts asshole guy who spelled but unfortunately you my spirits alot considerget their shit together. ing its usually a Monday “sentence” wrong...you couldn’t and it just kept in turn caused me to real- rippling through you like (If Officer Sugarlumps were still when I head in there. ize that I, too, have been dynamite. I just want you alive he would find wherever you live with his amazing detective Mamma Brower is the best thing spelling it wrong my en- to know that it was disskills and kill you. The BDMD is to happen to Rutgers since college tire life gusting and hilarious. (Welcome to college, freshman. Suck it up and drink some water. Who tries to learn these days anway?)
(Stupidity: its a fucking disease.)
(This is fucking GOLD.)
THE BACK PAGE
“We will have fried chicken wrapped in bacon and drink beer and watch Expendables 2”
Cool! Rutgers Themed Maze! OMFGROFL! BY DR. K |Back From the Dead! Oh Fuck Zombies!
The ex-backpage editor made this for you, if you don’t enjoy it he will come for you.
Mini What’s
Shakin’
Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @CAC Student Center Room 439 Do you really have anything better to do tonight? Get your lazy ass out of bed and get over there.
This poll is not for strippers. Since this is my first time as Back Page Editor, I felt the need to get some reader feedback, so I created this poll with hopes that our readers could help me improve the Back Page.
2. You are a fucking boss! 3. I’m a hot girl, take me now! 4. I have a few ideas that might improve your page. If you are responding with #13, email your choice to themedium.backpage@gmail.com.
Friday at 8:30 PM NJ Compost Operator Certification Course @Campus Wide Now you can operate the “Manure Machine!”
If you are responding with #4, email your response to themedium.backpage@gofuckyourself. com
BY KCIG |Managing Editor 50% Apple Juice 50 % Diet Pepsi
I’m not really sure about how I feel about this combination. I have mixed a lot of sodas in my times at the dining hall, but never ever added juice until this time. I drank the whole mixture and decidedly enjoyed it, however cannot put my finger on the exact qualities that elicited that reaction. I was initially nervous while bringing the drinking glass to my lips, and took note of the vaguely alcoholic scent.
Diversion
A badass Penguin for a badass back page
Badass Movie Review
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN | Back Page Editor
The Expendables 2
This movie is better than any other movie in existence. The only thing you need to know about this movie is the cast list; Chuck Norris, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, ALL IN ONE MOVIE. The Expendables 2 is the most action packed, ass kicking, badass motherfucking movie of all time. Nothing can compare to the awesomeness of Expendables 2, except maybe if you gave Walker, Texas Ranger Crystal Meth and steroids. Im-
Poll Time!
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN |Boss Page Editor
1. Keep up the great work!
Thursday at 6:30 PM Composting and Soil Health for Home Landscapes @Off Campus Locations Taking this class does not certify you to shit on your lawn.
Friday at 8:00 PM Women’s Soccer vs. Villanova @Yurcak Field People actually watch women’s sports?
Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
Hell’s Dining Hall
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA |Business Manager
R U HUNGRY? R u broke? R u craving delectable delicacies and do you also have a meal plan way too large for your stomach? Here’s a recipe that will make your stomach and your wallet happy! Ingredients:
3 Waffles 1 Tub of Ice Cream Nutella brand chocolate spread Bucket of Chocolate Chips A Garden of Strawberries (seasonal) This movie is the best movie in Miscellaneous Toppings existence, so it is too good for a star rating and gets three times 1. Make three waffles at your local dining hall waffle station. infinity. 2. Scoop on the entire tub of ice cream of your choice (and by your choice, we mean the only shit your dining hall offers) on to one of the waffles Chuck Norris is watching... and 3. Spread on layers of Nutella mediately stop what you are doing and go watch this movie and experience the uncomparably exhilarating experience that is The Expendables 2.
waiting
After the first sip, I felt a sensation similar to that of cherry soda. My palate was confused, though intrigued. I took another sip, and another, and kept diving into this world of flavor that was entirely novel yet made of familiar elements. Before I knew it, I had finished the glass and was contemplating mixing another, without knowing exactly why.
brand chocolate spread to the other waffle. 4. Pour chocolate chips onto the Nutella brand chocolate spreaded waffle and add strawberries and miscellaneous toppings such as whipped cream, mayonnaise, syrup, peanut butter, cheese, and garlic if your heart desires! 5. Put both waffles together and then spread more Nutella brand chocolate spread on the 3rd waffle. 6. Add this waffle on top and devour your triple decker waffle meal as a sandwich. HINT: Use your own preferences/common sense when it comes to the amount of ingredients used in your waffle sandwich...Make sure to add Nutella brand chocolate spread.