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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLII Issue I
SEPTEMBER 14TH, 2011
MARKETING
U EXTENDS BRANDING RIGHTS TO ALL CAMPUS BUILDINGS BY THE KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—Rutgers University has found an efficient, new way to generate income by selling the titles of their buildings to various corporations. The idea was founded earlier this summer when the university entered into a partnership with High Point Solutions, an Internet hardware supplier. The deal sold the rights to the title of Rutgers’ football stadium for $650,000 annually. As Rutgers Athletic Director Tim Pernetti said, “It’s a great way to make money for the footb-I—mean, I mean school.” This sale is not the only one to have occurred in recent months. University officials noted last week that several other buildings on the College Avenue Campus have been “boughtout” and will be renamed. It was leaked that Scott Hall was purchased by Mazda Mo-
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tor Corporation and will be renamed Mazda Hall: What Do You Drive? The change has bewildered and confused students across campus. Kendall Leeson, SAS Senior, said “I had been trying to figure out what ‘MHWDYD’ on my schedule stood for…hmm, well,
"I plan on using the money I saved to pay for Dental Assistant training, and for tissues to stop the crying."
150k pounds of
never would’ve guessed it was swag given out at Scott Hall!” In addition, construction has Involvement Fair already begun on the exterior The statistic includes the part of Au Bon Pain which had RUPA member dressed as a giits title bought by Starbucks and ant foam finger who was miswill be renamed Starbucks. Furtakenly taken as a souvenir by a Continued on Page 2 freshman and brought to Busch.
NEWS IN PICTURES
SOOTHING BUS ANNOUNCEMENTS McCormick taken hostage until LULL STUDENTS TO SLEEP ON REXB demands for candid photo are met BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
ROUTE 18—While student have been praising the University’s new buses from First Transit, there have been a few reported missteps in the progress of successfully implementing the new program into the University. Last Friday, according to a statement from the Department of Transportation, several students were found sleeping on a bus for more than five hours. Early speculation reveals that the students on the bus, thought to be a REXB en route to Douglass, had requested that the volume on the on-board announcements be lowered due to low capacity on the bus. “Those things get loud,” said Rafael Forte, a SAS Senior. But after lowering the volume to a lower volume the bus driver, Don Rapnit of Hamilton, noticed some concerning behaviors. “After the volume was turned down, the pre-recorded
voice became really soft and comforting. The kids kept falling asleep,” said Rapnit. “I didn’t know what to do. I’ve only been here a week, they haven’t trained us on sleeping students!” The students were equally surprised. “I was on my way to class and then the next thing I know it's nine at night and there’s a bunch of biddies standing around me on their way to some skanky party on Suydam,” said Michael Christophers, a MGSA junior. “Apparently the girls thought I was gay because I was sucking my thumb as I slept and they invited me along so they could bitch about their parents! It was hell!” Transportation services is working to correct the problem, either by having Bobcat Goldthwait re-record all the announcements or spiking all the drinks Despite his unwrinkled tie and neatly combed hair, the University President in the dining halls with caffeine. had spent the previous three hours hog tied in the trunk of a Buick.
More of the same!
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NEWS
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Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
“Crack pipe found. Crisis averted.”
LITERACY
BROWNIE POINTS
Library café staff ask that you please In An Effort To Go Green, Middleenjoy your beverages outside School Student Goes Brown BY DJ FRESH CONTRIBUTING WRITER
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES EDITOR IN CHIEF
ALEXANDER LIBRARY—The new Scarlett Latte café in Alexander Library has not had trouble attracting customers, but it has had trouble getting customers to understand basic library policy. “I thought it was just common sense,” said library administrator Janice Boyle. “You just don’t eat in the library. Kids today are so out of touch with books they think they’re in a Starbucks and not a library cafe.” Library staff for years have been cracking down on students indulging their study munchies. Numerous signs can be found in workstations and along library walls serve as a reminder that surreptitious snacking is a detriment to University's collection of books. Why the new café is located in the Library at all is, accord-
ing to Boyle, a matter of convenience for students who before now would have to walk across the street to the student center for food. Boyle added that their policy is fair, as the café has a special annex outside where patrons may consume their purchases. Still, it has taken some effort to get students to catch on. Since it opened last week, the Scarlett Latte has had to hire an additional employee simply to shoo away any patrons who should attempt to consume their purchased goods within Library walls. Staff have considered renaming the facility to something more literal to avoid any further confusion. "We’ve been throwing around ‘Scarlett Latte, But Notte Inside’" said Librarian Jeff Onorato. “It’s okay if you’re overwhelmed, we’re around books all the time; we can’t help for being astonishingly creative.”
THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS? PROVE IT, ASSHOLE. ATTEND A MEDIUM MEETING! WEDNESDAYS @ 8:00 PM BUSCH STUDENT CENTER 116B (Yes, we know we meet on Busch now, you don't have to remind us. )
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
EAST COLI HIGH SCHOOL, MI---Timmy Parks, a 9th grade East Coli student, has really hopped on the “Green” bandwagon. Timmy recently led a campaign to educate the student population and school administrators on Green Living. He has laid out a plan to reduce paper product consumption in his school district and around town. “Mother Earth is a forgiving, yet fragile spirit. Continuing to squander her natural resources will leave us stranded without a home,” says Parks. “For example, everyone can easily cut down on toilet paper use.” After speaking with Lona Parks, the boy’s mother, she says she’s had hesitations about her son’s campaign to go Green. “I’m having more trouble with the laundry than ever, I’m using bleach like crazy because of these brown stains on his drawers!” exclaims the 47 year old Guatemalan native. In fact, because of recent media attention and Mrs. Parks’ statement, Hank Holdrick PhD., an environmental engineering professor from Mountain State University in Boulder, CO has looked into the possible adverse BRANDS
...continued from front
thermore, Halls Cough Drops reportedly paid Rutgers $1.2 million for the title of Milledoler Hall. “Still trying to figure out why they’re putting a giant lemon drop on the front door of Milledoler,” said SAS Junior Raj Chatapat. “It clashes with the red.” The Jewish Community at Rutgers has been buzzing over rumors that Hillel’s building title was purchased by Disney but no evidence other than a pair of Mickey Mouse ears on the building support this claim. News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
environmental effects from a significant bleach-rich sewage runoff into the Mississippi. “I’m currently conducting a sodium hypochlorite analysis of the Mississippi river beds and I am alarmed that they are nearing OSHA’s federal mandated limit,” says Holdrick. According to WalMart officials, most household bleaches contain a 4% sodium hypochlorite solution. “It’s all that damn polarity! The bonds break easier than a drunk freshman girl’s foot walking after The Mountain State civil/environmental engineering department has ran an impact and cost analysis weighing pros and cons of the so-called “Green” high school. “Based on cleanup infrastructure costs versus raw paper saved, it is economically unfeasible” states Holdrick. “You’d be better off going green in other ways.” Boulder has recently seen a wave of positive economic indicators from the decriminalization of marijuana due to municipal revenue and tax collection. Parks, who is in East Coli General sick with complications arising from anal itching, could not be reached for an interview – however, he excitedly reported that he will “continue his research concerning this shit.” Other rumored organizations interested in purchasing titles are Toyota, Dell, Poland Spring, Verizon, Go Daddy. com, and the United States Marine Core. Some of the locations rumored for sale are Alexander Library, Tillet Dining Hall, and Hickman Hall on Douglass Campus. “We should’ve done this a long time ago,” said Vice President of Budgeting Nancy Winterbauer. “At this rate we shouldn’t have to worry about digging into extracurricular and academic funds again to support the football tea—I, I mean school.”
What’s Shakin Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche Everything I do
Phillip Li Steve Troulis III Blumpkin Kid Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw I do it for you...
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Foursquare. Come hell or high water, I will be the mayor of the Poboy Shop by the end of the semester.
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
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You could be the next student profiled in The Medium! These two classy gentleman are Student of the Week alumni from last semester. After appearing in our paper, these two went on to find success in professional soccer but later traded in their high socks for very different careers. Jeff (right) has found a job working as a circus pantomine. Lou (left) will be appearing on Broadway next spring as Tom Hanks in “The Life and Projected Death of Tom Hanks.”
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WORDS WITH FRIENDS
HEAVYMAN SYNDROME - When an overweight gentlemen
experiences reddening of the thighs and severe pain while walking due to the engrossment of his thighs. Common cures are vaseline, baby powder, and “going commando.”
Forty-six thousand years ago t o d a y, UpperPaleol i t h i c Rutgers student Joseph Narcisso-Roman became the first person to walk in on his roomate having sex. His bro, Isaiah Kent was in the middle of banging their classmate and campus prostitute, Diane Rudabaker. Historians believe the trio resolved the conflict by running around in circles screaming. However, further evidence suggests that Narcisso-Roman joined in and started one of the earliest recorded threesomes in history. Since the event, Rutgers students have been walking in on their roomates having sex on a daily basis. The phenemon has practically become standard and accepted amongst consenting adults. -Professorsaurus
How to Be a Freshman Without Really Trying By Dr. K Managing Editor
1. Carry a Rutgers Map around instead of looking the building up before you leave your dorm. 2. Wear a red shirt “I Am A Scarlet Knight” shirt EVERY day. 3. Go to parties in groups with 7 dudes and 1 moderately hot girl. 4. Get on a bus, and never move from where you’re standing until you get off. 5. Piss yourself instead of leaving the classroom to pee midlecture. 6. Write down every single word that the professor says from the beginning to the end of the period. 7. Play the Shots song at full volume with your door open while playing beer pong in the dorm. 8. Natty Light is a step up for you. 9. Be optimistic. 10. Pick up the Daily Targum every day, religiously.
STUDENT LIFE
GOING INSHANE
With Sha-NayNay I am the coolest white guy on campus, the baddest cat in New Brunswick, and a two-time “John developed a severe case of heavyman syndrome after lunch-table arm wrestling champion for my weight class. For taking a brisk walk through downtown Atlanta.” those of you who don’t know me, my name is in the masthead. See also: Chaffing, bow-legged walking Since returning to Rutgers, I’ve found it hard to ignore the Famous examples: Ron Jeremy, John Goodman, Jared from Subway (pre-Sub- changes that have been made. There are brand new buses, way spokesman), Rex Ryan, Don Vito, Chris Christie, and Jack Black. renovations in landscape, and HEALTH & FITNESS a mini-skyscraper just chillin’ over Brunz. It seems as though things are looking too nice. Before I returned to College Ave, I met up with my legendary informant, Pearl Diver. His information has always been nothing but accurate, unbiased, and noteworthy. After all, he predicted the world would not end on May 17, 2011 and…HE WAS RIGHT. Only a person with this type of insider credibility could be trusted so I asked him, “How’s the weather on campus?” He said, “Wet, real wet.
Shit’s going down. There’s gonna be flooding and probably some power failure.” NO EFFIN’ WAY! This is just the type of information I had been waiting on. I knew immediately that he was speaking in code so I worked hard at deciphering it. “Wet, real wet.” It’s pretty obvious that Diver wants me to know that things are going to get messy on campus pretty soon. “Shit’s going down.” He’ll talk fast but he has to take a dump. He’s had the runs all day from the Taco Bell on Ryder’s Lane. To make it worse he left his Pepto-Bismol at home. He’s considering a ride to Quick Chek to see if he can get some but he’s not sure they’ll have it. Worst come to worst, he can use their bathroom. “There’s gonna be flooding…” This means an influx of new faces on campus. “…and probably some power failure.” Clearly, Diver has been tipped off that a person in a high position of power is going to resign, get fired, or be terminated in some way within the coming year. One question remains: Who?
OP/ED
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“I’m not a Hufflepuff.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Being in a Frat Helped Fill the Gnawing Emptiness in My Soul BY TOM RUGGERIO
Bros get a lot of criticism for the stereotypical lifestyle associated with Greek life; the partying, drinking, drugs and casual sex. I understand the societal rejection of such reckless and destructive behavior, but there is a side that the critics are blind to. Bros partake in this gluttonous, lustful hedonism to numb the pain of an unfeeling, uncaring universe. One time during freshman year, I looked at the night sky and thought about how small I am compared to every single other thing in the universe. I am a dust speck on a pebble hurling through infinite emptiness. The same with every single person and thing I’ve ever known and loved in my whole lifetime, everything I ever accomplished, and an endless amount of other things I could never even fathom; all no more significant than a piece of dust. It could all disappear tomorrow and it would
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
make no difference to the lives of the stars and planets that are burning and spinning millions of light-years away from the bus stop at Scott Hall where I had been contemplating this. The next day, I woke up, took three shots of Jack and started looking into rushing a frat. If you don’t look too closely, it is easy to pretend that the other mem-
pletely alone at a table of people who you see more often than your parents and your little brother in high school who looks up to you as his hero, even though you are nothing but an alcoholic failure. Drink whenever you feel detached and meaningless. My last relationship was with a girl from ZTA who just wanted to feel for one second that love was real. When you “I looked at the fuck while you are drunk high, it is almost the night sky and and same. morning after, thought about you The feel sick and dirty from the hollow emohow small I am.” tions, but you go through bers of the fraternity are the same thing that night a group of people who just to see if maybe you legitimately care for and can capture that feelsupport you. It’s easy ing again, trading your enough to fake, since we physical wellbeing for all have an unspoken un- that one second of near derstanding that we are happiness and a lifetime looking for an excuse to of regret. That was my escape from reality rather whole junior year. than actual friends. So, go ahead and We play drinking judge me while I’m dogames with silly rules ing a keg stand, or fuckwhere we all know deep ing a new freshman evdown, the only rules are ery night. I’m not doing to drink whenever you it because of a sense of feel like you can’t make a reckless irresponsibildecision without fucking ity, I’m doing it to fill the up your whole life. Drink void inside my heart. whenever you feel com-
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Having My Son has Brought so Much Joy into My Life
BY SANDY RAMIREZ My son James was born 6 months ago and since then he has made me so much happier than I thought possible. Every time he smiles and laughs it is such a blessing. The idea that I created this life is so amazing, I can hardly believe it. He has these bright, rosy cheeks and he’s already growing thick hair like his dad. He’s the most beautiful little baby I’ve ever seen and he’s all mine. I almost don’t want to go back to work so I can spend more time with him. James can sit up now all by himself and I sometimes he makes these sounds and I swear he’s saying “Mama.” I read somewhere that “children are the anchor that hold a mother to life.” I think they were right.
COMMENTARY
Politicians Must Invest More in Public Education BY DR. MICHAEL WESTON
As a professor at Rutgers University for 11 years, it has been incredibly disheartening to see the budgets cuts that have come through the school and public education in general. I constantly see students whose loans have become so out of control they can barely afford their education. The purpose of a government is to support those in need and when it comes to supporting students, they have fallen down on the job. I firmly believe that federal budgets must be audited to allow for more funds towards public education. So much money has been wasted on things that are unimportant and there is no way you have read this far into the article.
“The purpose of the government is to support those in need.” You probably stopped reading somewhere around the second paragraph. What do I have to write to get people’s attention? Why is it never enough? Do you know how many articles I’ve had rejected from major newspapers? I just want some recognition, you know? I don’t know, let me start over. Jesus, what was it this time? Oh yeah, education. Ok. So the whole idea of public education is that it should be less expensive and therefore available to everyone. Putting money in education is an investment not an expense. You definitely didn’t make it this far. You’re not reading a single bit of this. The editor will probably approve the article without even getting to the end. I can say literally anything and no one would even notice. Richard McCormick is a faggot. Shit, piss, cunt, motherfucker, cocksucker. Who even gives a shit? You can’t get in trouble if no one is reading. I’m gonna just start filibustering and no one can stop me. Here’s a white cake recipe because why the fuck not? I can say whatever I want. 1 cup white sugar, 1/2 cup butter, 2 eggs, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 1/2 cups flour, 1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder, 1/2 cup milk. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 9x9 inch pan or line it with wax paper. In a medium bowl, cream together the sugar and butter. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. Combine flour and baking powder, add to the creamed mixture and mix well. Finally stir in the milk until batter is smooth. Pour or spoon batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes in the preheated oven. For cupcakes, bake 20 to 25 minutes. Cake is done when it springs back to the touch. I hope you’re all happy now.
God I Hope She Doesn’t Ask Me to Hold Her Baby BY ANGELA LEIGH
Oh Jesus, Sandy’s here. And she brought her baby again. I don’t know what her problem is, that baby isn’t cute. He’s all shriveled and weird looking. I hope she doesn’t ask me to hold him again. The last time she made me hold that brat he pissed all over himself. And Sandy just thought it was the cutest fucking thing. All she talks about now is how adorable her son is. Like, shut the hell up, you’re driving everyone crazy. Goddammit, she’s totally gonna hand that kid over to me. I hate holding babies! I always feel like I’m gonna break the damn thing. Now I have to pretend he’s adorable too. Someone shoot me.
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Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
ARTS
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“Sundays with LaLa”
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MOVIE REVIEW
GRAFFITI
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon by
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ARTS EDITOR
full of broken glass and I wanted to scream. I can pretty much quote the whole movie, but only in a mocking impression. “Blah blah blah I got a medal from President Obama… blahhhh We’re all republicans here.” It’s not the most uninspired joke I’ve ever heard, but having to hear LeBeouf blubber out those lines and be delivered the most painful comeback makes it feel like it is. The day Transformers left theatres was the day I could begin to live my life again.
Location: A truck that was driving down Route 1 this summer.
D R AW S O M E COMICS
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon gets 0 stars and 5 stabs in my eyes.
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movie theatre. It was my job to watch this movie pretty much 2 or 3 times a shift. After the 10th time, I was pretty over it. After the 80th time, it starts to grate on you pretty hard. By the 200th time, it feels like floating through an eternal hell that is, at the same time, a repetition of the same torture of yesterday and a unique challenge all in its own. Most people hated the movie because it was Michael Bay basically just on autopilot, and the effects were underwhelming, and so on. Whatever. The more I saw Transformers 3, I began to hate one very, very specific aspect of the movie. I would always walk into the theatre when Shia Le Beouf was doing the interview scene, and each time I felt like my veins were
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Let me start by saying that I have no attachment to the Transformers cartoons, and I haven’t seen either of the other Transformers movies, so the first time I saw it, I was pretty indifferent. I get that most people like action-y summer blockbusters with big stars and hot girls. I can appreciate that there are some people that are emotionally attached to the characters and want to see out the movie trilogy. Who am I to judge them? It is entertainment for the masses, not a movie that was specifically made for me. I can accept that and move on. So, the first time I saw it, I didn’t really care. It was decent for what it was supposed to be. But this whole summer, I worked in a
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PERSONALS
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“You Know Damn Well What You Did”
STUFF
MORE STUFF
STUFFLY STUFF
To the freshman bitch in my Orgo class; why are you complaining so much about absolutely nothing? I don’t give a single fuck about how many people were inside you last night. Please do us all a favor and shut your hole.
To the new bus drivers, no I will not get behind the white line, ill ride wherever the fuck I please god damnit.
To everyone who has pissed me off in the past year, eat a goddamn bowl of dicks.
(YEAH! Nobody likes a showoffy bitch!) To the person who keeps leaving empty “Vernor’s” soda cans all over campus. Where the fuck do you get this shit? I’ve lived here for 20 years and I’ve never even heard of this shit (And bring back some fucking Faygo too) To RBK, just fucking stop at this point. Your 15 seconds have been up ages ago. Quit trying to be a Youtube meme, nobody fucking cares at this point, and you’ve pissed all goodwill away that mildly amusing video a few years back. Stop fucking doing that Yeeha shit in the lab. To the guy who keeps trying to pick me up at work. How many times do I have to tell you, im not interested in going back to your place after work. The last thing I want to do after flipping burgers all day is go back to your roach motel. You smell like a horses ass and are unlpeasant to all five senses. Take the fucking hint you loser (You would know what a horses ass smells like...) Dear Bus Voice Lady, Speaking in that seductive voice is making your boyfriend, Jack Molenaar, very jealous. Please, be quiet. K, Thanks! To the guy at the place with the thing, how’s that for vague? (You’re boring the shit out of me) To Canada, I have stolen one of your subway signs and I am holding it hostage for one thousand rolls of your finest toilet paper. Please reply post haste or the sign gets it.
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
To my girlfriend, stop fucking my brother! I don’t care if we are twins, im much better then him! To my twin brother, no fucking way you prick, I made her moan like a little bitch. You wish you were as awesome as me
To the girl in my class with the hair. Youre a strong feminist woman, we get it. Shut the fuck up and let us do stuff about the stuff. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
To every Staten Islander ive ever met, nobody likes Staten, thats why we turned (Sibling rivalry round 2: it into a landfill. Jersey Who does mom love more) hates you, and New York thinks you suck. They wont To the Anti Jews at the even admit you are a part bus stop, go peddle your of the city. You are used to Baptist bullshit else- breathing air that is full of where toxic waste. Stop polluting my home state and take (Keep your church out of Snooki the fuck with you my state)
HOW TO WRITE A PERSONAL
COMIN AT YA WITH A CHAINSAW
Caption Contest: A) What the fuck do you mean you didn’t cook dinner B) BRAINSSSS!!!! C) Bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips D) Why arent you submitting to the personals? E)γιατp arentεσεzςπουυποβqλλετε τα σpντουιτς ψαριpν F) Im speaking in Korean....Wait G) Advice dog that bitch... and bacon strips!!
Step 1: Witness an egregious act of stupidity
H) I don’t fucking care anymore
Step 2: Get really pissed about it Step 3: Punch random people in the face Step 4: Write about it Step 5: Submit it to the personals! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT SUBMIT PERSONALS Remember, always wear a headgasket GREETINGS FROM HELL!
Welcome back to another year at Rutgers. Im sure you’ve heard that same phrase from just about everywhere on and off campus. Its the time of year when you have to come back from your random summer of doing nothing, or working your ass off so you can afford to do nothing on vacation. I personally took the cheap route and took a vacation in downtown Detroit. You can probably imagine how that went. Lets just say if the building you live in is on fire, just attempt to squat in the abandoned building across the street that was firebombed last week while you wait for the embers to be put out. Anyway, down to business; WRITE SOME GODDAMN PERSONALS!!! We are freaking starvin over here Submit to
themedium.personals@gmail.com
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
“Winston Churchill once said your eyes are the widndow to your face.”
ANGRY SHIT
To the Indian bitch that almost ran me over in the crosswalk on Monday: get off your phone and use your fucking eyes before I gouge them out and skull fuck you. To the fire and brimstone preachers that come out of the woodwork weekly at Rutgers like cockroaches: I really missed you guys, like, a lot. You guys bring out in me a multifaced feeling of wanting to punch you in the face, masturbate with communion wine as a lubricant and give you the best and greatest buttfucking you could ever imagine. Sin is amazing, you should try it sometime ;-) -Your secret admirer To the fatass crossing College Ave at Scott Hall on Thursday: you really don’t need to signal to the oncoming car that you’re there. A blind dolphin without ecolocation would not have missed you. To retarded hipster at the Golden Rail; the fact that you’re a manager at a retail store is absolutely nothing to brag about.
UNFUNNY SHIT
To the girl that was there when I lit that dumbshit preacher’s pamphlet on fire with my cigarette: you’re cute and I totally regret not getting your name (I told you this column wasn’t funny but noooooo you fucks didn’t believe me.) Thank you hippies for raising meal plan prices because you want cagefree eggs. Why must we pay more for crappy food? (Zzzzzzzzz..........)
EXCREMENT SHIT
TO THE MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE DRUM IN THE STARKEY COURTYARD. PLZ JUST GO BACK TO AFRICA. To the Phi Sigma Kappa brothers that I just met outside the student center: you’re all faggots. Every. Single. One. Of. You. (Frat boys faggots? Whaaaat?) To all the fucking fat ugly black chicks who have to take the bus from StuHaceeds of Rutgers, dent Senter to Scott hall, could you people possi- your apperance is an bly be any more cultish? obama-nation to the human form, walk! trust To that indian student me you need to. riding your bike in the To the indian sorority middle of George St. This chick from my spanish is not New Delhi, get into class last year: yes, you the bike lane of be run saw me scratch my butt over into curry. in class one day. You can (You just said this isn’t get over it now. New Delhi, so where the To High Street: I like livfuck do you expect to find ing on you, but seriousthat much curry? Go play ly, I can’t find a place to in traffic, tard.) park. Barack Obama is such a (Dear submitter, I hate you pussy that a recent study and look foward to swalshowed that his balls have lowing your car whole in shrank 4 full sizes since a mess of mud, ice, snow, taking the oath of office. and gravel this winter. And even think of going to PERSONALS POLL: Why is this wom- don’t the city to plow it out, it’s adoable that you think that an so happy? they give two shits about you. The pot holes that last 5 months will prove it. Love, High Street)
the Medium
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA
Greetings, Rutgers! After a pitiful attempt at living in the real world I have returned for more of hearing your shit and then telling you how much your shit pisses me off (not that any of you give a rat’s ass about where I’ve been or the fact that I’m now a graduate student). Anyways, like always, this page is only as funny as what you all submit to us so seriosuly, next time that asshole in your class opens their mouth or that blind bitch almost runs you over while you’re in the crosswalk or if some dumb douchey frat boy gave you herpes, we wanna hear about it!! The place to send Personals to is.... themedium.personals@gmail.com Oh and “B T dubs”, for every personal you don’t submit, our Editor in Chief rapes a puppy. I bet you don’t want that to happen... ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor MERDE LE FRANC TO PEOPLE BITCHING Dear Rutgers, please give ABOUT THE BUS DRIVthe History Department ERS, I’D BE PISSED OFF phone lines to contact ALL THE TIME TOO IF them again. Fuck, at this I HAD TO CART YOUR point I’ll settle for tele- UNGRATEFUL ASSES graphs, semaphore, or AROUND ALL DAY. smoke signals, just some (I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I’M IMPORway to speak to them. Dear Dick McCormick, TANT KSDGJNDSKJGNS DLHJSDDSF;GIJDS;GLD please leave faster. I SNB;LDGJNDS;LBND;O mean like faster than you BNDS;FLGJDALGB) wish you ran when you to my ex employer: i find got mugged a year years it especially funny that To the bitchy cunt who you fired me on the day hit me in the face with an people actually came into umbrella on the LX last the store and bought shit week after the hurricane. FROM ME. it isnt my There are two words: fault that you run a shit“Excuse Me”. You de- ty business that no one serve to die. Ruining my wants to go to because, day which was good be- well, you fucking suck at fore that, you bitch. it. but whatever, thanks for paying for my unemployment, i was getting more from them than you ever felt the need to pay me :-p. (My god SUCKS!!!!)
this
week
To my room. You smell To my street. You smell worse. To you. You don’t smell... because you suck.
A: She’s eating salad and not feeling like a fat bitch for once B: Her salad is being tossed C: She just heard that her 4th abortion had no complications D: Her HIV test came back negative E: She’s not you, you disgusting whore Send answers to themedium.personals@gmail.com
cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cuntwad twatwaffle get in a hothob full of pizza and beavers cunts jesus fucking cunt cunt fucking cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt pussy pussy cunt cunt ooozy goozy nuggetz titty shitty cunt wunt wun’ts not a word but cunt is
This guy sucks. Like, a lot. Almost as much as the Personals page does when we have no submissions. But not that much, only because this dude really fails that much. Get the point? Next week it’ll be animals taking shits. Don’t test me, I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again! Dear callous, heartless bitch You really that I fucked over the sum- suck ass! mer. Holy shit I have never OUR NEXT MEETING IS TONIGHT AT 8:00 IN in my life met a more despi- ROOM 116B IN THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER. cable person than you. I ac- YEAH I KNOW BUSCH SUCKS BUT WE DON’T, tually regret letting you suck SO IF YOU’RE FUNNY, HOT, OR INTO REALLY my dick and then sticking it AWESOME CIRCLE JERKS/CIRCLE SQUIRTS in you. Go choke. COME TO OUR MEETING!
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
“Seems Powerful. Is Powerful.”
WELCOME TO THE BACK PAGE WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE<3 A DIVERSION FOR YOU AND A FRIEND
Make a maze in 1 minute that takes 2 minutes to solve.
PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE ME By: Morgan Freeman Considering that you all respect me and worship me as a man with a voice beyond question, I have decided to share with you ladies, and gentlemen my own personal inspirations. This week I present you with a man who is near the top of my inspirational sources. A man who has been a leader, a man who has been ridiculed but remained strong. That man is George W. Bush. I may be older and more wise than the young gentleman that was the president of the United mother fuckin States but he has foritude comparable to that of Moses. He made great decisions, such as leading us into a short and decisive war, elevating our educational system so that there is zero tolerance and standarized tests for all, and teaching the nation how to pronounce the word nuclear once and for all. After all he’s accomplished how could George W. Bush not be one of the figures who has inspired me most?
THINGS THAT AREN’T REAL BUT SHOULD BE
UNICORNS •ANATOMICALLY
POSSIBLE(HORSE WITH A HORN) •VIOLATES NO RULES OF NATURE •SPARKLY RAINBOW PRETTINESS
PAM ANDERSON’S TITS •BOOB
#1
•BOOB #2 •COSMIC JUSTICE
SUDOKU: YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW By: Lauren Stern
CSS - La Liberacion
PLEASE TALK TO ME. ASK ME THINGS. TELL ME THINGS. ALL @ THEMEDIUM.SHAKIN@GMAIL.COM
Brazilian dance punk group CSS (short for Cansei de Der Sexy) is back with their third studio album, La Liberacion. All though this band does not sound familiar by name, you may recognize them from their song “Music is my Hot Hot Sex” being on an ipod commercial a few years ago. This song helped them achieve success and helped them earn a reputation for an outstanding live performance. As far as this album is concerned, it’s typical CSS: fun, catchy electropop that will make you dance uncontrollably. I should also mention that this isn’t your typical pop artist, grabbing influences from music all over the world, especially a lot from reggae. Bring a lot of your fun to your show and check this out! RIYL: Yelle, Does this Offend You, Yeah? Rec: 2, 4, 5, 6 Steve Buscemi’s Watching