This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
RutgersMedium.com
September 16th 2015
Volume XLX Issue I 50¢ WELCOME TO THE RU SCREW
QUICKIES
FRESHMEN EXCITED TO ATTEND NEGLIGENT UNIVERSITY
Avril Levine Has a Live Album, Thank God
NEW BRUNSWICK- With students fresh out of high school and a University with a fresh, new tuition hike, the students of the Class of 2019 are fired up to spend the next four years at an institution that will ignore all of their concerns. In a long-standing tradition of providing young scholars with several obstacles to a healthy education, Rutgers Board of Governors has planned new projects and set new goals taking the student experience into great inconsideration. Move-In Day proved to be the first taste of what the life of a Scarlet Knight can be like. With many high class student residences being inaccessible until senior year, many students will enjoy concrete-walled dorms, equipped with a complete dearth of amenities. “We understand that to be a great student, you need a comfortable living space,” said Gregory Tinsely, director of Housing De-
Not Anymore Online Program is the Hardest E x a m a t R u tgers Study shows 1 out of 3 Meals at the Dining Hall h a v e a S t a ff W o r k e r s Tooth Inside
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS MAGIC DOG EDITOR
ON THE BANKS Class of 2019 start their first and how they will wish it would be their last.
velopment for the University. “We understand that, but don’t really care. That’s why we have the majority of our students stay in dorms with no air conditioning and wall apparently so thin, you can hear people bang three doors down. And here’s the icing on the cake; we make absolutely sure that traffic is handled in the laziest method possible
on Move In Day, just so students make sure that we ignored every one of their concerns. Don’t like it? Live off-campus. Try it, I dare you.” Rutgers’ painstaking indifference has reached our new student athletes, as well. New red shirted freshman kicker, Continued on Page 2
TRAY HARD
Brower Trays on Strike
NEW BRUNSWICK- Thousands of students have started the fall semester, already bitterly disappointed to learn that there aren’t any trays in Brower Commons. Local sources report that the trays have been on strike, demanding higher living wages. “We’re fighting for 15,” said Tray Rice, a Rutgers alumnus himself, who is currently a Brower tray. “It’s total fucking bullshit. I spent four years here working on my human resources degree, and the only place that would hire me after graduation was Brower. Can you believe that? Anyways, we’re tired of carrying around shit food for a bunch of ungrateful assholes. $7.85 or whatever bullshit we get paid an hour hardly even
BY BENEDRYL CUREMYSNATCH LOCAL FIRE EXTINGUISHER
DEMANDING RIGHTS Tray Rice is the most outspoken of all the Brower trays.
pays the bills.” Brower commons has even attempted to accommodate the trays’ demands. However, while the working conditions have improved, the trays
are still unhappy, and demanding higher wages. “I don’t like the new conveyor belts. I wish they had put in some sort of elevator cleaning system instead,” Continued on Page A7
Extorting Barchi Since 1970
High School Classmate somehow had S e co n d C h i l d Virgin Basica l l y P u t t i n g all Hopes on Tinder U. O f fe r s Course on Bus Etiquette R U P A unironically holds 'Speed Friending' Session
the Medium
NEWS
themedium.news@gmail.com
“Its Thrust or Bust”
PARK OR DIE
Parking Services Adopts New Shoot-on-Sight Policy
BY BUBBLEDICK CRUNCHYPANTS STATE UROLOGIST
PISCATAWAY - The Rutgers University police department announced this week that they will no longer be giving out parking tickets. In the wake of a massive influx of students that took advantage of the no ticket policy for the first week of school, RUPD will be enforcing a shoot-on-sight policy for all future parking offenses. “If there’s one thing we take seriously here at RUPD, it is enforcing parking regulations,” said inexplicably named chief of police Kenneth Cop. “We’ve just invested in all new M4 carbine weapon systems and training for all of our parking enforcement officers. If a student tries to park on Livingston in the visitor parking spots to get takeout, we have no choice but to shoot them. These are just necessary measures we’re taking to protect our law-abiding students (the ones who don’t have cars) from dangerous maniacs.” Some students are protesting the new parking enforcement, such as sophomore and commuter student Daniel Garner, who claims the new policy is way too extreme. “I just don’t think it’s necessary to start killing students because they park in the wrong spot. What if the whole lot is empty? It’s stupid to not let
students park in empty spaces. I think the police department needs to focus on other things. My friend was sexually assaulted, and they refused to take her case for six months. They just wouldn’t investigate it. Maybe they should stop focusing so much energy on killing students for parking in the wrong spaces, and more on real issues.” Kenneth Cop commented on the shift of resources from investigations of actual crime to parking violations: “We barely have the resources to cover all of the parking violations that occur daily here at Rutgers. It doesn’t make economic sense for us to be cracking down on little things like violent robberies and sexual assault. We just have to fuck these students any way we can, and right now the best way we have of doing that is parking enforcement.” Students like Daniel Garner still don’t believe this quite justifies the killing of students, but RUPD insists that this is the best thing for their safety. “Once a few criminal students with Newells parking passes decide to park at Werblin in the giant empty lot, they’ll catch 70 grains of justice to the brain at 3,200 feet per second. If that doesn’t deter our students from being criminals, I don’t know what will.”
CLEANING UP THE TRASH RUPD is gearing up to face the real problems on campus.
Editorial Staff Spring 2015
Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Henry Yeh Fratypus
DOG HOUSE
Stat Professor Slept on Couch Last Night BY DR. TOSSED SALAD SEXUAL STEP DAD
HIHGLAND PARK - As of late last night, reports have indicated that Professor Michael Edwards, a senior member of the Statistics department here at Rutgers University, is about to be in some serious shit at home, and chances are he will be sleeping on the couch tonight. If this scenario plays out as we here at The Medium predict, you may want to consider skipping class Thursday as Professor Edwards will be in a baaaaaaaaad fucking mood. And when we say bad, we mean holy shit bad because honestly, he didn’t even fuck up that bad. Our reporters have been following Professor Edwards all week very closely, being asked to go away numerous occasions, but hey, we knew he’d mess some shit up if we kept watching, even if it took all damn semester! Edwards returned home Wednesday evening at 4:47pm, and went to go relax after a hard day's work. Just this semester alone, Edwards has so far answered 143 emails regarding special permission numbers, having to read lie after lie of students saying they are “eager” and “excited” to take his Money SO EXCITED!
...continued from front
Henry Brett, has many things to say since he joined the football team. “It’s great! I don’t have to learn shit, since Coach Flood just has to wink at some stupid [professor] if I get an F and I’m off the hook. Not studying is a great benefit I get for being an exploited collegiate athlete. Of course, the students of the newly founded Honors College were also quick to express their enthusiasm for their new school. “I think I’m going to have a great time here,” said Kara Mettler, a freshman living in the News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Also Mike Laz Interm Opinions Editor Mike and Yags Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
& Statistics class, crushing his soul harder and harder as he knew this class was a requirement for all Rutgers Business School students hoping to find a career in Supply Chain Management. Poor bastards. He knew he couldn’t help them now, or in the future. The rest of his week consisted of answering questions such as: “Is the syllabus on Blackboard?” “How much of our grade is attendance?” and “Do we need to buy the Turning Technology clicker? Why not iClicker?” Obviously, he had a tough week. Once he was home, his wife, Mrs. Carly Edwards asked him semi-politely to take the dog out for his nightly walk, something Mrs. Edwards has been doing herself, unassisted, the last 4 years, since the soul crushed Professor does the goddamn dishes. Professor Edwards sighed but got out of his “comfy chair” after only a few minutes of moaning like a baby. After hearing the seemingly harmless sigh, Carly went into a vicious rage: stating the obvious that the Professor never made time for her anymore before continuing in her tirade by Continued on Page A7 new honors dorms. “These new dorms are surrounded by construction, making it exceptionally difficult to enjoy the outdoors or sleep in past seven. Which I guess is good, since I should be studying, always.” Mettler graduated with high marks and honors from her in-state high school, and her decision to attend Rutgers was fueled by its growing reputation. “All my professors are completely apathetic about my education, and most made it crystal clear that their sole aim is research. It’s just like an Ivy League School! My parents will be so happy to hear that.” Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Leonte Carroo
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to all the Happy Mexicans celebrating Cinco De Mayo on this happy September day!!
the Medium
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
themedium.features@gmail.com
“What would you like your dick to be titled?”
BETTER THAN MAYWEATHER VS PACQUIAO
GET YOUR ASS TO CLASS
HOW TO SURVIVE BUS BY GRIND ALL
Hey freshmen I know this whole bus thing is hard but here are some tips on how to do the bus system at RU the right way. First things first, you have to stand in front of the bus doors before they even open. Trust me. This is the only way you will get on the bus. Seriously just fucking shove yourself in before anyone gets off to ensure you have a spot. Once you get on make sure to take one seat for yourself and another for your backpack. Textbooks cost like $200 each, and of course you’re carrying them all around because you’re a good student, so you don’t want them to get ruined by touching the inside of a backpack that’s also touching the ground! Who cares if kids are standing? Who cares if it takes up space? You NEED that space for your backpack. Now that you’re seated make sure to play your music as loud as possible, or better yet, just put on the speakers and let the whole bus hear. Dude, even ask for the aux cord if you can. Get that shit lit. Now once you have to get off make sure to pull the yellow string. That’s the YELLOW string. Maybe even pull it twice. It’ll set off this amazing lady voice telling the driver and everyone on the bus that YOU need to get off. You’re fucking important, don’t forget that, and everyone needs to adhere to YOUR bus needs. Now get off that bus like it’s on fire, elbows out and all, and get on your fucking merry way to class you special fucking freshman.
IMMA PLAY THIS SHIT BACK TO BACK
CROSSWORDS FOR YOU NERDS DCGJVIJSHBXCYWR OIHNUHBGGRJNXYF HZKWIFFURLUGBRD PXKTKYXREMNDVCP OYTMAKRDIIIISNU PRKJIHSCMWQKAUM R G E LY C T AAQ P S L Q F YNLDQEEKOJFICGC RMDVBRYQCJUHOCD EADCCUPPCUZTHAP XLFSNTLFCOFKOCB ZGNIKUPLVPYCLOV SDMRMLZEFSZUVPS ADDY ALCOHOL CRYING DRUGS FUCKTHATKID FUCKTHIS
FUCKTHISKID KILLME PUKING REDBULL SCREAMING
PEOPLE WHO NICKI MINAJ SHOULD DRAG BY GRIND ALL Nicki Minaj has been killing it lately dragging people starting with her earliest victim Taylor Swift and most recently Miley Cyrus. Here’s my list of the people I think she should drag next and why. Who: Donald Trump Why: Honestly my biggest problem is with his hair Who: Barchi Why: Where is he? He missed convocation, what a dick move. Who: The bus driver who closed the door on me Why: FUCK YOU MAN I’M A TINY LITTLE GIRL I COULD’VE FIT BITCH Who: Iggy Azalea Why: I can’t understand a word she fucking says when she “raps” Who: ABP Why: They are fucking out of mac and cheese every time I go in there. Fuck you guys that’s the only reason anyone goes there what the hell. Who: John Cena Why: We don’t do memes in The Medium
1738 IS ACTUALLY AN ALCOHOL BRAND
SCHOOLWIDE RUTGERS DRINKING GAME We’re all alcoholics. Might as well accept it and make games out of it. Take a shot every time an LX bus is over packed Every time you get shoved with a backpack on a bus take a shot for it When a “Fuck Penn State” chant starts, chug your drink until it ends Take a shot for every frat boy you see in Vineyard Vines Finish your drink when you see a freshman with a lanyard around their neck Take a shot whenever you can’t fit on to a bus Finish your drink every time you hear a frat girl go “omg I love my little/big!” Chug literally an entire bottle of vodka every time WebReg is a fucking bitch Happy Drinking!
THIS IS A CALL OUT BOX
TWO THINGS 1. FUCK YOU BROWER GIVE US OUR TRAYS BACK WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE FUCKING UP MY 1 PM 7 GLASSES OF WATER BECAUSE IM HUNGOVER GAME 2. YO FRESHMEN IDK IF YOU SAW US AT THE INVOLVMENT FAIR BUT GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE. FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK AND INSTA AND SHIT
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
"Still waiting to be crowned the King."
WE LIKE SPORTS AND WE DON'T CARE
Our Football Players Are HEROES not CROOKS BY KYLE FLOOD
Call them heroes. Call them vigilantes. Hell, call them the next Batmen. Just don't call them crooks! In light of the recent misinformation on my football stars, I have taken it upon myself to clear up some misinformation regarding the so-called robberies. Does Aquaman wear a mask? Has Spiderman ever broken into a house? Has Superman ever held a gun to a man's head and threatened him with his life if he didn't immediately hand over all of his money and recreational drugs? OF COURSE THEY HAVE! My football players heroically charged into one of these evildoers houses, performed an ocular assessment on the ne'er-dowells, neutralized the threats, and commandeered their money and drugs to later destroy with their laser-beam eyes and frozen breath. Who knows what those nefarious villains would have done with all those drugs? Create a mind-control ray? Enslave a foreign country? Build the Death Star? I'm no scientist, but yes; they would have. And after these five players literally fought numerous villains and saved our planet hundreds, if not dozens, of times; this is how we repay them? It's now time for us to save our heroes and bring justice to the real super villain: The Green Ganja
STILL LIVING WITH FRESHMEN
Fuck the Quads!
BY NEVILLE NEEBLY Fuck the Quads. I’m a junior and I’m stuck in Quad III with all these other scrubs from the bottom of the barrel in the housing lottery. This place reminds me of Auschwitz, especially because I’m stuck in the basement. I have to watch all of these freshmen walking around all happy for no reason all the time. Don’t they know their life is shit? I stole an orientation shirt, so sometimes I walk around Livingston wearing the shirt and my keys on a lanyard. I just pretend I’m a freshman and mess with them. It’s the only fun I could ever possibly imagine on this campus. The dining hall is shit, stop talking it up like it’s the best place to eat in the whole fucking universe. They have the same pasta line that takes way too long and awful rotisserie chicken every single day. I hate all of you. Eat shit and die.
LOTS OF LOVE FOR YOU LONELY KIDS IN OUR NEXT MEETING, WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM, SOMEWHERE ON ONE OF THESE CAMPUSES, WE DON'T REALLY KNOW YET SINCE WE CAN'T GET ANSWERS SINCE WE'RE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH. WE'RE PRETTY ENOUGH RIGHT? HOW CAN THEY NOT AGREE WITH THAT? I MEAN I KNOW I AM PRETTY AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. BUT JUST LOOK ON OUR FACEBOOK AND LIKE US CAUSE WE REALLY WANT YOUR LIKES TO FIND WHERE OUR NEXT MEETING IS. ALSO YOU FRESHMEN BETTER COME, I HAVE 99 OF YOU ON MY EMAIL LIST.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I’m Making Gains BY RAMBO GIO
It’s been a month now, and I swear these muscles are just getting bigger and bigger now. Like look at these guns, they even now start to bulge and stretch out my shirts. And I know you can’t see my abs right now, but I swear they are growing in. If I took off my shirt right now, I swear that all girls in the room would begin to fawn over me, and all these bros would immediately hit the gym to work on getting these same gains. Hell, I can even feel my jeans now sticking to my thighs like a second layer of skin, that’s how big they are getting. From a measly 125 pounds to a good 150 pounds now, I am able to get these gains in just a month and I am going to continue to with them and achieve insane Broliclevels.
No, You’re Just a Fucking Fat Ass
BY RAMBO GIO'S BODY Alright, just fucking quit talking because you’re literally killing me right now. The only gains you have been making is in the fat percentage. Those twenty-five pounds you gained? Just pure human blubber. In fact I think whatever small amount of muscles you had prior to you starting to work out has just transformed into more fat. The only reason you can’t fit in your clothes anymore is because you have gained several inches of flab around your entire body. And if you took off your shirt, people would actually hurl and there would have to be a mass evacuation in this room. How does anyone even healthfully gain twenty-five pounds in a month? How can you be so daft? And you definitely aren’t headed towards becoming like Broly, at best you would become Yajirobe or Mr. Popo. Quit thinking you have been making any gains and give me a break. An entire pizza, two hamburgers, and a mega-sized Slurpee doesn’t count as a post workout meal if you eat that same shit every night. Do you know how much your asshole cries every time you start eating? Get it through your fat-fuckhead and realize that your anus literally cannot take this abuse anymore.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is The Medium? "An accurate description of my dick." Robert Grimes Sophomore
“It's that lameass university daily newspaper, heard they even get paid.” Karl Ruben Freshman "The Medium? Oh yeah they make a good joke once in a while, but not really." Stuart Li Senior
Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“I will always remember you Souvlaki, you were the best damn MATLAB teacher ever.”
the Medium
“TWIN PEAKS? I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE BREASTS” BY PAULIE VALENTINE
“TOP DOWN VIEW” BY PAULIE VALENTINE
“INTRAVENOUS ARRANGEMENTS IN BLACK AND WHITE ” BY PAULIE VALENTINE
“HAIL TO THE DICK-TATER” BY CAILLOU
“SQUIDWARD’S LOWER FACE” BY PAULIE VALENTINE
“NOODLES” BY CAILLOU
HEY YOU! YEAH YOU! YOU LIKE THIS PAGE? I DON’T BLAME YOU, IT’S FANTASTIC! CUM TO OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS! CHECK OUR FACEBOOK PAGE AT FACEBOOK.COM/RUTGERSMEDIUM AND SEND YOUR ART TO THEMEDIUM.ARTS@GMAIL.COM YOU COULD BE FEATURED HERE!
PERSONALS
the Medium
“I use Xvideo as my thesaurus.�
UNSOLICITED ADVICE I just want an Indian girl with a British accent. Isn't that what Rutgers is famous for?
(No, but it is famous for white girls who adopt British accents when theyre drunk, which is basically the same thing right? )
It's been three weeks, and so far I have gotten to know my roommates names and their bathroom schedules. The latter is just to minimize further contact. (Why would you even bother to learn their names? They might think you guys are friends now.)
Cheers to doing quizzes 5 minutes before they're due!! (You seem very impressed with yourself.)
Theres this kid in my class whose skull I want to crush with a brick. I have every fucking class with this prick. (If you need help, just ask the football team.) I told my devout Catholic roommate that Spongebob and Patrick are gay and she burst into tears. (Just wait until she finds out that Tweety is actually a boy and is in love with Sylvester.) I finally have my first legitimate date, what should I do to not screw it up? (The most important thing is to absolutely not be yourself.) (Jesus Christ please stop playing trashy Pop music I want to kill myself right now.)
REPRINT: WHERE THEY NOW? (FORMER MEDIUM EDITORS)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
LET ME HELP YOU To the ladies in Brower, stay sexy. (Shall I direct you to the nearest sexual harassment Seminar? Its located in Brower.) Where the fuck are all the 99 freshman who signed up for The Medium?!
Stop being assholes. Send in some personals.
(We probably scared them away with our constant dick jokes and low key antisemitism. Whoops.)
Submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
My AA needs to chill, I don't need to know her entire life story every time she knocks on my door to sign a paper.
I will only include those I deem worthy.
(Be nice to her. How would you feel if you were literally always the most hated person in the building?)
Dear personals editor, do you think if I set myself on fire, will my herpes go away? (Hmm possibly. Best thing would be to try it out and see if it works.) Golden Rail is the worst piece of shit bar in the world. How do people enjoy a hot, cramped, smelly craphole that is unable to commit to a song longer than 30 seconds. (No one knows what the Golden Rail is because the only people who read this paper are stoned, underaged freshman.) Can you all shut the fuck up, I'm trying to wank it. (We know. You mind keeping it down?) I am so heartbroken that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner broke up. (Not as heartbroken as their nanny whose 15 minutes of fame only last 2 minutes.) How come all the fobs swarmed me at our first building event? (Fobs are terrfied of white people and therefore are compelled to stick together. The answer is simple: do not look like a fucking fob.) I am wearing the exact same outfit as yesterday. (Uh yeah you and 95% of the student population. Congratulations on trying to be a special snowflake.)
I hope one day SVU bases an episode on my life. Both have been admitted to insane asylums. (UMMMMM?????)
We're next.
Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
STUFF I dont know how, but the stench of Miley Cyrus managed to seep through my television during the VMAs. Its been 2 weeks and I still smell like weed, patchouli, and desperation.
How can I become a member of T. Swifts squad? (Simple: be a girl who pens horribly written songs that attack other women and then act like a Super Feminist.)
(Ok now be honest: how I was on Grindr and many hammers have you ended up matching with licked in the last 2 weeks?) my Stat professor. What should I do? Eat shit, Steve! (Do you even have to ask? (I am sensing a lot of anger Set up a meeting! Do ANYhere, wanna talk about it? THING for extra credit. Actually, I don't care.) Anything.) Fucking Landon. I was not Cool for the (I know right? Fucking Summer. Demi, I have Landon.) failed you as a Lovatic. When are dick jokes in- (Not as much as you have appropriate? The answer failed your dignity and self is never. Dick jokes are respect by being a Lovatic.) always appropriate. WHY DONT MENS Penis. MAGAZINE TEACH I love you like James THEM HOW TO EAT Franco loves Seth Rogen. OUT A WOMAN? (Is this your way of telling (Because men cannot read me that you painted naked and are too arrogant to use portraits of me? instruction manuals. Come on, you know all of this.) (P. Pen. Peen. Penis.)
LIKE US ON FACEBOOK FOLLOW US ON TWITTER JUST FUCKING LOVE US PLEASE. IF NOT, I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU.
Wednesday, September 16th, 2015
themedium.a7@gmail.com ...FUCK PSU
MY FIRST RUN-OFF
continued from Sports “Well, Penn State sucks, so I was all like, ‘fuck them!’” Joseph explained to reporters. “And then I was all like, let’s just keep saying fuck Penn State, cause it’s like mad funny and clever and doesn’t come across as cheap, lame humor that only embarrasses other Rutgers students and fans or even the football team itself. Yeah.” “Fuck Penn State, Am I right?”
7 THINGS A JADED SENIOR SAYS TO A FRESHMAN
1. “Yeah definitely go to the Livi dining hall right after your 6:20 class.” 2. “You have extra meal swipes at the end of the semester? Fuck giving it to the homeless, I’m hungry.” 3. “Wait what? You’re black—why are you living on Busch?” 4. “Oh you live on Douglass. What’s it like being an artsy, feminist, pot-head?” 5. “I remember the days of needing ratio and throwing fives. Nothing you can do except wait to stand in line to get into a crowded, disgusting bar.” 6. “Yes one of these crime alerts will involve you, and you can only hope you aren’t the one getting molested in a library bathroom.” 7. “Wait why am I talking to a freshman? Get the fuck out of here.”
GREATEST GAME EVER
PAGE A7
the Medium
“This is my first time...go easy on me.”
EVEN MORE RUN-OFF
...STRIKE
continued from News Tray Rice told us. “Getting rid of those nasty torture-chamber cabinet things is a good start, but it’s not enough. We need $15 an hour. Do you know what it’s like to have an entire salt shaker just dumped on your face for no reason? Like twice a day that happens to me, and it’s not worth a wage that can’t support my seven children.” When confronted about the wages, Brower Commons’ manager and avid collector of McCain ’08 bumper stickers, Richard ‘Dick’ Johnson had strong criticisms. “These dumbass liberal trays pay thousands and thousands of dollars for a worthless degree, and then just expect to be paid a proper living wage straight out of college. They just don’t understand the economics.” “We’ve even put in one of those fancy conveyor belts like all the other dining halls. They just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. Now we’ve got one too, and our trays still won’t come back to work,” Johnson said. Tray Rice admits that he has no plans to return to work in the near future, leaving Johnson in a tough situation. “At least there’s a bright side to all this. No matter what happens with the trays, in the meantime the students are furious. At the end of the day, that’s all we care about here at Brower.”
ISN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE MY PAGE?
...PROFESSOR
continued from News fore continuing in her tirade by referring to him as a “dickless sack of shit” at the pinnacle of her onslaught. Our reporters couldn’t believe what was happening. Damn she was ruthless, as the Professor was in fact not dickless, but rather just had a little bit of ED. Hey it happens, don’t kill the guy over it. Anyway, due to the circumstances, there is a 83% chance Professor Edwards will be sleeping on the couch tonight, and it is very likely he will still be fucking pissed off by Thursday’s 2:15 class. It may be a good time to skip your first class of the semester. Maybe go to the gym? Get a coffee with your roommate who only had a 9:50am class? Anything is better than what’s in store for the poor fuckers who show up.
MOVIE REVIEW
To be fair I did not see this movie, nor am I comfortable saying the “n-word”, but I’ve listened to like three NWA songs so I think this will be a pretty accurate and reliable review. There were an appropriate amount of black people, and Ice Cube’s son looked just as menacing as his father and will likely be a future sell-out, as well. I heard they made Suge Knight look like a bitch, but I won’t comment on that because he may kill me. Bottom line: if you’re a white kid who loves pretending to be black this movie is for you. But if you’re any other person it should also be pretty good. Again I don’t really know I haven’t seen it. RATING: 5/5 bullets meant for the police
INSIDE JOKE OF THE WEEK OKAY THIS WAS MY FIRST TRY AT THIS SO I HOPE I DIDN’T TURN YOU OFF TOO MUCH. ANYWAY COME TO OUR MEETINGS! LIKE US FACEBOOK! BE MY FRIEND! I’M LONELY! OH AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY EXTRA KEYBOARDS WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THEM! THANKS!
September 16th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MAYBE NEXT TIME WE CAN HIT THEM WITH A YOUR MOM JOKE
PENN STATE FANS DEMORALIZED BY RUTGERS THIRD DOWN CHANT BY SHREG GIANO
STATE COLLEGE, PA— Rutgers students surprised both Penn State and Rutgers fans alike when they spontaneously decided to chant “Fuck Penn State!” in time with the famous third down cheer during the Rutgers-Penn State clash last year. While the chant was harsh then, it fit into the buzzing environment that Rutgers fans created for that hotly contested matchup. The real surprise has been that a large group of thoughtful and witty students have perpetuated the chant during games against other opponents besides Penn State. This clever and hilarious trend has not gone unnoticed by Penn State supporters. Junior Ashley Rose told Medium reporters that the chants in Piscataway really dampen the mood in Happy Valley. “Oh yeah, definitely.
between fits of laughter. When Penn State head coach James Franklin was made aware of the chant he appeared confused, asking “wait, who did that?” When Franklin was told it was Rutgers, the team he will coach against next week, he said, “Oh, they’re the red team, right? Wow, I knew they sucked at sports but I didn’t know they were so insecure about it that their fans would do something like that. From a guy coaching a program littered with some of the worst violations in NCAA "RUDE!" history, I have to tell you, that’s Penn State fans at their game against Buffalo. Students attempted pretty damn pathetic.” to enjoy the game but felt so badly about the awesome insults from RU that Rutgers sophomore Zach they sulked and wore hoods and face paint to cover their shame. Joseph considers himself to be Everyone here is so totally upset games like some jealous little the hero that lead the charge to about it. I mean, this school we all brother desperate for attention. keep the chant going during all consider irrelevant and beneath Truly I am devastated. Do I games. When asked about his us takes the time to shout not sound devastated? Cause process, Joseph gave reporters our name during important like, wow, this is so tough to insight into the mind of a moments of their home football swallow,” stated the junior, in comedic genius. Continued on Page A7
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: RUTGERS vs. PENN STATE
-Prematurely suspend about 70 percent of the team so you can be prepared for what is coming later -Do that thing where you stop other teams from scoring gamewinning touchdowns as time expires -Fumble the ball in a less embarrassing way than a botched pumpfake -Bring Back Gary No.... Just kidding. We are not anywhere near that point yet -Just don't make us depressed after this one. Please?
-Chant "Fuck Ohio State!" during every third down -Hire a private investigator to dig deeper into the private lives of the remaining Rutgers football players. You never know at this rate -*insert lame, overdone Sandusky joke here* -Negate Janarion Grant's return abilities by kicking the ball backwards -You know Rutgers is either going to get blown out or blow it late anyway so stop asking for tips you smug bastards
Rantland, A Medium Exclusive: Fire Flood and Hire Me
BY KNOWLEDGEABLE SPORT FAN
The football fiasco on the banks gained even more momentum this past weekend as Rutgers lost in embarrassing fashion to Washington State. The team also lost its best player Leonte Carroo to an indefinite suspension. It all started before that though, when Flood got enveloped in a scandal involving emailing a part-time lecturer about a player’s academic status. I do not know the exact content of the email, but I imagine it went something like this: “Hey. This is Kyle Flood. I’m an arrogant fucking prick. Why don’t you walk your pathetic, part-time ass over to your shitty computer and give this stupid fucker an A so he can stop other student athletes from catching balls. Did I mention you should fuck off? Die.” As if that was not enough, under Flood’s careful watch five hundred or so of his players were arrested recently with
tie ins to robbery and assault cases. I don’t really know how many players are on a football team but five hundred certainly seems like a lot to lose. Is this man, who wasn’t aware of everything all his players did during their personal time like the omniscient being head coaches are apparently supposed to be, the one we want at the helm of our football program? I think not. I think we need a guy like me. I avidly read nj.com and shout things like “why is he open? Cover him!” and “Fuck you ref!” while I attend games. I played NCAA Football 2008 and led the then unranked Scarlet Knights to two national championships. I even relentlessly taunt opposing fans, especially the young ones. What more does one need to coach a football team? No, seriously, what else do I need? A bachelors at least? Cause I honestly have idea what the fuck I’m talking about here.
birthplace of bummed-out fans SINCE 1869