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Volume XLVIII Issue I
September 17th, 2014 50¢
MALAYSIAN AIRLINER SHOT DOWN BY HAMAS OVER FERGUSON
QUICKIES
BY SOME SCHMUCK A7 EDITOR
WASHINGTON, DC — President Barack Obama recently ordered airstrikes on Iraq in retaliation for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. This US strike comes after a month-long barrage of rockets coming from across the border in Gaza. “Kim Jong Un has gone too far this time,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “The United States cannot sit idly and watch ISIS behead Robin Williams.” Following the US attack, Hamas began targeting civilian aircraft. One such plane, Malaysian Flight MH-666, was shot down over Ferguson, MO. Comedienne Joan Rivers, a passenger on board the airplane, was "HELL ON EARTH, MAN" The worst thing is how all these calamities happened all at once. pronounced dead on impact. In response to the terror attack, a Church has been rioting in Fer- e-mails containing nude photos Ferguson police officer fatally guson demanding that former of Jennifer Lawrence and other shot Ray Rice’s fiancé. Since the IRS Director of Exempt OrgaContinued on Page 2 incident, the Westboro Baptist nizations Lois Lerner turn over
ORGO FUCK YOURSELF
Professor Considers Stand-Up Career BY ANIME HAIR NEWS EDITOR
Dr. Amrit Patel, 67, is wellknown among both high scientific circles and the Rutgers student body. Every semester, he teaches Organic Chemistry II to about three- to four-hundred students. But Dr. Patel has recently debated whether to make a career switch. “Every semester, since I started teaching the course, it’s always been the same,” says the Nobel Prize candidate, “I’d make a pun or a joke about chemical structures and at least half the class would laugh uproariously.” The professor, with his notoriously difficult weekly quizzes and unforgiving curves, gives us a typical example of his class and all the mirth it brings. His day begins with office hours from 6:30-7:30 am, usually filled with eager students. “They’re always telling me stuff like, ‘You’re so funny, professor. Tell another joke!’ and, ‘Are you sure
Medium Jews Now Control the News Nova Beats Girlfriend, Improves Reputation Fans Apologize for Action of Julie Hermann Radical Islamic Gelato Vendor Sells Italian ISIS Freshman Slut Gets Big 10" Pre-emptive Apologies Offered To Hillel Katzenbach Residents Moved to Cook Farm Fat Students Blamed for Lack of Trays NBPD Hoped for Riots, Arresting Black People
I failed this, can you check it again?’” Patel reminisces. The class—or as Patel believes it is known, ‘Comedy Hour’—itself begins at 8:40 am. The Medium reports that although the students could be described as “tired,” “bored,” and
“miserable,” much of the class indeed laughed every time Patel brought up a pun over Mercedes-Benzines or a seemingly inside joke. After class was over, many Continued on Page A7
Disappointing Fans SInce 1970
Medium Now Printed on CageFree, Grass-Fed Paper Student Attracted to Writing Impliment: Fuck Pen STAT
the Medium
NEWS
"There's an office just for affairs between fraternities and sororities?"
TENT STATE MASSACRE
Brand New Products from Urban Outfitters
THE WHOLE WORLD IS SHIT ...continued from front
female celebrities. The attacks led to a string of bad PR following the defeat of Lionel Messi’s Argentina in the first Big Ten game. Point guard Gary "TurNova" was reportedly seen in the dining hall after the game using an iPhone 6 Plus in lieu of a tray. Reports have claimed that, having no shot at an NFL career, TurNova will be joining the Italian State terrorist group. In a completely unrelated incident, I heard you lost your Aunt this summer. I’m really
Editorial Staff Fall 2014
sorry to hear that. She’s in a better place now. If you need someone to talk to just reach out. Long Island Rail Road workers went on strike as a show of solidarity with the victims of the Iron Dome attack. A 12 day marathon of the popular cartoon “The Simpsons” was dedicated in memory of the late Michael Brown, who died of Ebola while doing the ALS ice bucket challenge. Michael Stipe was reported to have said “It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Justin Lesko Michael-Vincent
Henry Yeh Fratypus
themedium.news@gmail.com
ING...BUFFERING...BUFFERING...BUFFERING...BUF
Parties Paused for Problems in Playback BY SAWYER NEWS EDITOR
SUBTLETY HAS NEVER BEEN THEIR STRONG SUIT Urban Outfitters recommends that you pair these shorts with homophobia, racism, and all around being a bad person.
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
NEW BRUNSWICK—To the chagrin of mixers and amateur producers on campus, the musical ambiance at many local parties has been outsourced to services such as YouTube and Spotify. This provides hosts with entirely custom soundtracks for their celebrations at no cost, though what they save in service costs is often lost in overall quality. Darcy Halley, a hostess on College Ave, is delighted with the playlists she and her girlfriends compiled for last Saturday night. "We got to hear all our jams and with the party at full blast, that might's soundtrack was frickin' anthemic." Upon further reflection she added, "The ads were sort of annoying though." Thirty second commercials are a regular grievance for Spotify users and are incessant for those who use YouTube to play music videos. They offer a stark contrast to the night's intended mixtape. The upbeat party tracks dim down to be replaced by a noticeably louder advertisement. These interruptions range from the manic hollering of used car dealers to the
over-produced jingles that promote fast foods. These brief, but overt ads are almost inevitable for listeners without subscriptions. These sobering ads are the cost of use and pay for the streaming services. Jerry Thestlewick, a Mason Gross student, was "so pissed by the ad for KFC. It came on with a pair of douchebags talking about their 'hashtag hash browns.' It killed my high, like, instantly, so I had to light a new joint. Which everyone else mooched on. But, uh... point is, I got munchies for KFC all because of Spotify." Another qualm of Thestlewick, a YouTube user, was the repeated interruptions in video playback. "I had the video streaming at 1040p with HQ audio on. Even with FiOS, I was getting shitty playback, with long-ass pauses that ruined the vibe even further. I don't know what to do when it happens. I click the prompt and don't know what Google is telling me. I think it's some sort of Net Neutering thing, but I'm too gone to bother." "I'll tell you this," concluded Thestlewick, "next time I have a party, I'm going to just classically make a mixed CD.”
"I WAS SO CLOSE!" Can you just imagine almost getting laid but the music pauses and she realizes youre a loser to cheap to pay for a legitimate DJ?
Scottish autonomy? Sure, I love St. Paddy’s Day! News Editors Sara Markowitz Jonathan Holzsager Features Editor Lesly Kurian Opinions Editor Adam Romatowski Arts Editor Michael Lazaropoulos Personals Editor Joe Ebbinger Page A7 Editor Lee Matalon
Sports Editor Matthew Fastiggi Copy Editors Chika Kim Kaitlin Rogers Secretary Michelle Flynn Webmaster Michael-Vincent Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Julie Hermann
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the Rutgers fan who wore a Penn State jersey over his Rutgers shirt. Everyone could see the RU shirt underneath and thinks you're scum.
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Carrying a rubber fetus in my pocket gives me confidence.”
BUS SCHEDULE
Struggle Bus Transit Route
WEATHER REPORT
WITH THE HEN HEN MAN OUR WEATHERY PAL
7 AM: You wake up. The struggle is real.
8:35 AM: A creepy man on the EE stares at your boobs the entire ride and then follows you when you get off the bus. 11:43 AM: Rutgers decided to make Fall semester construction a thing. 12:05 PM: You are kind of obese and are sitting in the very back of a packed REXL. Your business class started 2 minutes ago but you know it will be absolutely fruitless to try and get off at the Plaza Bus stop. 2:17 PM: You are a woman of color and can’t find a good man to satisfy your needs. 3:15 PM: When people get on the bus before people get off the bus. 4:05 PM: You are at the Quads bus stop and you can’t decide which LX you should take. 5:15 PM: You are the grass trying to grow outside Scott Hall and people keep walking all over you preventing you from being tall majestic blades of grass. 7:25 PM: You see the College Hall bus stop and cry a little on the inside. 9:04 PM: You just got out of Spanish class and you have no idea what the professor was talking about for the past hour. 10:45 PM: You sadly accept that the only reason you are late to classes is because of Rutgers buses. Thank you for choosing Struggle Bus Transit, where the struggle is most certainly real.
ENGAGEMENT ANNOUNCEMENT
In the middle of the third quarter of the Rutgers-Penn State game, an engagement announcement came up on the screen. An unknown individual proposed to a woman named Jill. No one knows whether her answer was yes or no. What could be more romantic than proposing in a stadium full of drunken, angsty college students yelling their extremely clever chant “Fuck Penn State” and losing miserably in the last few minutes of the game? Some suspect that the unknown proposer’s name is Jack and have a picturesque vision of the couple. The proposer could even not be the stereotypical romantic partner most of us had in mind. They may admire their right hand’s incredible talent of producing a quality orgasm consistently.
DINING HALL NEWS
What’s Cookin’?
WITH MAMA BROWER
Welcome back children, It’s a new semester and that means a new wave of freshmen that don’t know what goes into the beef stew! Now come around and listen, because I have exciting news. Brower is officially the only dining hall with trays, on the whole campus! Isn’t that wonderful? Only at Brower can you pile your plates high with delicious mushy gray okra, and dry rubbery rice without ever having to fear it spilling over everywhere. And you can finish that delicious meal of oversalted beef and rotting greens with a nice desert. Choose from our wonderful selection of day old cakes and brick hard cookies. That doesn’t suit your style? Well there’s always ice cream. We have at least eight different flavors and all of them have had hundreds of germy hand reach inside of them all day. Mmmmm-mmm I can taste the salmonella and it tastes heavenly. So come on down to Brower today, because we still have trays to carry your decaying dinner, and don’t worry about the smell, that’s just the magic happenin’.
RUTGERS SPOTLIGHT
Whoever said that Millennials are the lost generation was wrong. Ignoring our tendencies to mindlessly stare at LED lit screens and overuse hash tags, the youths of today are actually pretty alright. They are vivaciously passionate about the current events of today. Student activism is alive and well on college campuses today. Here is the most popular and current student movement happening right here in New Brunswick this semester. The Fight for Bus Neutrality It truly is a time to be alive right now. More young people are attending college compared to 30 years ago. This year’s freshman class is the largest that Rutgers has ever seen; we are B1G! However, as more people attend school here, Rutgers buses are progressively getting more crowded. As everyone and their mother continue to make their way to a class that they will eventually fall asleep in, the bus system here has remained relatively unchanged over the years. Many students have just realized that the buses are still crowded after the 1 week grace period where everyone is figuring their shit out ; that one girl’s backpack is still going to jut into your stomach and you are still going to get “violated” by multitudes of strangers. Rutgers buses have not adjusted to this sudden influx of human bodies and the RU Screw is stronger than ever. But, many students wouldn’t have it any other way. But the Rutgers administration is threatening to take that away from students. They call it the fast lane for buses. Students that want to get to class on time and not have their personal space violated will have to pay more while those who can’t afford that luxury will be stuck using the rest of the buses. RUDOTS wants to convert a small number of buses into premium buses that will go faster than 10 mph and where people can freely place their backpacks on the seats next to them. The rest of us will be stuck using buses that go 10 mph and are EE wannabes. Many students are protesting this alleged change by driving their cars to class instead. Bus neutrality is and should remain the norm at Rutgers.
THE MEDIUM MEETS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 8PM IN THE BUSCH CAMPUS (STUDENT?) CENTER IN ROOM 116C! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS THIS?
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“I’m semi-sexual.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Who the Fuck Hacked my iTunes? BY TYMAN WILLIAMS Now Apple, you done fucked up. First you let that whole iCloud nudes leakage thing happen, the Fappening or whatever, and I ain’t really complaining about that. I mean besides that my big long dick be circulating on the web and shit, but that’s cool by me if it means some girl gonna want me after seeing that. And who can complain about Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence, and my babe Victoria Justice’s tits being out there on the web, but now you really gotta get your security shit together. I was opening up my music, you know, to get my daily Chance the Rapper and Kid Cudi in when all of a sudden I see some shit called “U2” in my iTunes. That straight up sounds like some STD virus in my phone, how the fuck did it get there? Like seriously, I ain’t gonna even try to delete that or that AIDS crap might spread to the rest of my music. I was looking to get that iPhone 6+ but now with all this shit, I don’t know if I can trust Apple anymore. Please get rid of this “U2” virus, now. Or I am returning my phone and asking for a full refund.
It’s U2! BY TIM COOK
Hello there Apple community! I hope you’re all enjoying the sweet little surprise in your iTunes we put in for you. It’s the newest album from U2, perhaps the greatest thing to come out of Ireland since My Left Foot. With a name like Songs of Innocence, you can be sure you won’t be left down, so give it a listen. I mean, it is U2, U fucking 2! The same band that has released great classics such as “With or Without You,” “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” and “Desire”! This great rock band has been bringing the world some of the sweetest tunes ever made since 1976, and with the one and only Bono still serving as the front man, this album will not let you down! So make sure you all plug in your headphones and give the album a listen, and you can thank us later!
ELEVATOR COMMENTARY
I’m Sorry, I Had Too Much to Drink BY JEFFRY THE ATLANTIC CITY ELEVATOR It was me. It was all my fault. I was the reason that Ray Rice punched his then fiancé in the face. After getting fired from my last job for drinking while working, I end up working in AC; the shithole of the East Coast, just to make ends meat. And it was going pretty well, I stopped drinking, the guests loved using me, and I was as fast and efficient as ever. Then that day in March came. Ray and Janay had been using me all weekend, and they were nice, everything was going great. But that night, it happened again. I drank for the first time in months and got fucked up. I remember freaking out that I had to go to work, so I did what any responsible elevator would do and went. That’s when Ray and
Janay came in. But it wasn’t like what you may all think. They were being nice to each other, both were a little toasted but not doing anything
too wrong. We even took a couple shots together. That’s when Ray asked me to take them down to the casino. “Yo Jeffry, take us down bro.” But, but, but I was fucked up! I brought
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Who’s Your Daddy? “Fuck Penn State.” Brittney Simms, SAS Sophomore, Still Drunk
“My boyfriend, he is my life.” Jamie Micheals, SAS Junior, You’re hot. Why do you have a boyfriend?
“‘Big Jerry, sir.”
UNLESS YOU'RE VOTING FOR YOUR FREEDOM, COME TO THE MEDIUM TONIGHT AT 8 PM IN ROOM 116C BSC
them up 10 floors and that’s what started it. Ray started yelling at me for taking them up. Janay came to my defense saying it wasn’t a big deal. But apparently I had been doing this shit all night to them. And then to make things worse Ray has to go and punch her in the fucking face. How could be do that to me? Put me on the spot like that. He knew I had been drinking. I was going to get fired! But by that point I was too far-gone, I thought maybe it would have been a good idea to open the elevator at that moment, so they could go settle it in their room and talk it out. But again my fault, we were on the ground level with all the fucking people. Damnit I just hate myself. Why didn’t I go to the right floor? Why didn’t I step in and stop Ray? Why did I have to drink before work? Why is drinking so much fun?
Billy Johnson, 10 years old, Pennsylvania Native
ARTS
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
themedium.arts@gmail.com
the Medium
“Well, spit it out hoe. I dont have all day.”
I HONESTLY WANTED TO DO THIS
O CAPTIN, MY CAPTIN
WHICH MOVIE SHOULD I REVIEW NEXT?
Send your suggestions to themedium.arts@gmail.com and Ill review the movie of your choice maybe.
MOVIE REVIEW WITH THE MEDIUM
FEATURING: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY BY GROOT TREE EDITOR
I am Groot. I am Groot! I am Groot. I am Grooooooooot. I am Groot? I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I Am Groot. I aM gRoOt. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. i am groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am
PATTON OSWALT WAS IN THIS?
FROM THE INCORRIGIBLE STYLINGS OF JON GALT
Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot; I am Groot. I am Groot. i Am GrOoT. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Gr00t. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I AM GROOT. I am Groot. I am Groot. We are Groot … :(
Hold on to your butts! A new year of the student run magazine that you tell all your friends you don’t read, but cuddle up with at night. That’s right the Rutgers Review is back, but you know what is way cooler than that? The FUCKING Medium! And since The Medium is run by a bunch of assholes who don’t want their own work, we are always looking material made by the general student body. So submit shit to the Art page by emailing it to themedium.arts@gmail.com. Also come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm, at the BCC Room 116C.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to staple my penis to the wall and then push really hard off that wall. Okay, bye.
the Medium Self-Improvement
PERSONALS
Rutgers-Penn State
Hi, I’m a man with a lot of ass hair. What should I do with it?
Met these really friendly Penn State fans at a bar Saturday night. They wanted everyone to know how gen(Let’s go over some things erous and friendly they are, you shouldn’t do: (1) Get a so they kept buying everyBrazilian wax; (2) try to trim one shots. it yourself; (3) ask us to help you. (Seriously! We have the (That is totally consistent worst hygiene in the world- with my assumption about -I have to ask myself if I’m them being trust-funded, going to bathe this week!) passive-aggressive alcoholNow, let’s go over what you should do. In the 80s, scientists made a breakthrough discovery in treating mamallian anal hair. The insertion of a common house gerbil will ferret out all your odious and nettlesome hairs in search of a nice burrow inside your colon. Be sure to keep it well-fed! [Now, do you need help with bleaching?])
ics.)
Rage Can my fucking roommate stop turning my fan off when I’m trying to sleep! I don’t care if I’m already asleep leave it on you stupid fucking shithead. (Call housing and tell them you have asthma. You can get an AC. It’ll work, trust me. I used to work in housing before I was fired for forging documents.)
I’m in an intimate relationI made friends with a girl ship with cheese. from Penn State. Then I accidentally threw up on her. (And you think it’s OK to Football games, man. cheat on ham that way? What about the time you (At least she had the honor broke bread’s heart when of Rutgers puke on her. I bet you slept with mayonnaise. she has that soiled Nittany You need to re-evaluate Lion sweatshirt pinned up your relationship with food. on her wall in her sorority. You’re only going to alienPossibly even a shrine dediate the entire refrigerator.) cated to it. You’ve altered her life. Her grandchildren Girls at other schools can You ever notice those people will tire of the story. Be out-drink guys at Rutgers. who looked really average, proud.) sometimes pretty weird, and (Progress! Everyone has an then you check up on their Gary Nova might as well equal ability to be an alofacebook profiles and their join a monastery at this holic!) really hot? Mindboggling. point ‘cause he’s definitely The Medium needs a new going to stay celibate for the DJ. If I hear “Don’t Stop Me Now” one more time, (If I’m not one of those peo- rest of the year. I’m gonna wring someple, I’m fucked. Well, not body’s fucking neck. quite, and there’s the rub.) (Nova was the best player Just got certified as a Bikram yoga instructor. I’ve co-lead groups of up to 25, once on a rooftop in Park Slope. Looking to get started in New Brunswick. contact me. $350 dollars for the first three classes. It’s great if you want to clear your body and mind of toxins!! :)
Penn State had last Saturday.)
Walking down College Ave this weekend. Some drunk guy from Penn State harasses my girlfriend. I shout, “Hey pal, I’m standing right here!” “I’m standing here too!” I told him to have a nice night.
(Do bullshit and chicanery (You weenie. You should count as toxins to you? Get have made him apologize. your snake oil salesmanship With your fists.) outta here!) The number of people from my high school who have had babies is up to 5. How am I supposed to get such high self-esteem without you, Facebook. (Come join the Medium! Pitch meetings are Wednesday at 8PM, BCC, Room 116A. Where on Earth can you find a lower cesspool of crude defenders of pedophilia? Ah, yes, Penn State.)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
“I got this guy’s number last night who could totally get us a 25% discount at Dick’s Sporting Goods.”
Julie Hermann: you are one stupid fucking dolt for apologizing to Penn State about the behavior of Rutgers fans! What’d we even do? Oh, we did a lot, not that it was wrong. (1) They need to be told to go fuck themselves, repeatedly. (2) They need to be told to go fuck themselves, repeatedly. (3) At least we didn’t riot when our basketball coach was revealed to be a scumbag.
TAG TEAM THIS BITCH! So a lot of you fart fuckers didn’t send in personals. Maybe you sent them to the wrong editor, again. Since you’re dyslxeic, the email is themedium.personals@gmail.com. Just to keep you guys interested, here’s a challenge. Try to guess the punchline of this really bad joke. “Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg?” Send us your answers, or send us fuckin anything. Cause it gets us off when you do.
Hardly Workin’
Potpourri
Some summer work stories from the guy who sent in the most verbose personals last year.
Some guy was taking a shit in the men’s room and I complimented him in a grovelly voice on how much I love his farts.
I worked in real estate this summer and you’d be surprised how much shit tenants make up. Once our elevators went down, and some guy told us he was so in-a-rush that he had to crawl through the vent in the elevator ceiling and climb up the shaft. Who’s he think he is, John McClane?
One of the cleaners in our employ (it was a commercial real estate firm) was caught on camera masturbating in an office. The cameras were put up because he forgot to clear his history in the (And now we’re gonna play first place. Fired on the spot, but he still works there. it all the time, Kevin!)
Anyone who gives the universe much thought knows that we could all die, right this second, from an event we never even saw coming and could do nothing about even if we did (a supernova that happened 20 light years away and 20 years ago, for example). So, maybe you should just eat that cupcake. (You’re the first person I’m going to invite to my next party.)
I appreciate that the new Scarlet Knight has a Jersey tan, but what’s with the One time, I was in the gym fucking long skirt thing? I hid the body. What next? after work and overheard these two, naked old guys (You don’t want to hide it; talking about how they I tried to bite my toenails to you want to get rid of it. wanted to go muff-diving see why other people would Either have it incinerated soon. I wonder if they’ll do such a gross thing. Now or drop it off in an ocean smell like clams or fish I can’t stop. current. Leave the country when they come up for air. ASAP, and spend the next thirty years taunting law en- I saw a businessman exit I never know what to call forcement, become a cultur- the men’s room covered the people in my dorm that al icon, and allow yourself in fluid. He had said he clean the bathrooms and to be captured just before was locked in a stall and stuff. They’re too classy to dementia clouds your judg- had to crawl out from un- be janitors and that’s really ment. It’s a lucrative trade.) derneath, realizing too- offensive in my mind. So I just end up calling them lately that he had crawled housekeepers and now I feel through a puddle of piss. too privileged. Hatred of cannibals is the last socially acceptable bigSaw an ad for an injury lawotry. yer in Philly by the name Shoutout to the Targum of “Justin Bieber.” Imagine night editors for letting us Thank God, I’ve been wantgoing your whole life with borrow some equipment. ing to fuck my hot sister for that name, without a coma while now. plaint in the world, and then (But still, fuck those guys. some shit-head kid comes How else are we going to Anybody else’s snapchat along and makes you put enjoy our fledgling sense of fucking freeze on them con- up with a thousand stupid superiority?) stantly? smirks a day.
PAGE A7
the “Whoever stole the Medium’s keyboards, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills...”Medium
Wednesday, September 17th, 2014
WHITE RICE CRITICIZES BROWN RICE
Mike Rice Devastated After Viewing Ray Rice Video BY THE HEN HEN MAN BUSINESS MANAGER
LITTLE SILVER, NJ - Calling the released video of former Baltimore Raven Ray Rice hitting his then-fiancee, now wife, in Atlantic City “horrible” and “disgusting,” former Rutgers men’s basketball head coach Mike Rice expressed his disappointment on the ex-Rutgers star’s conduct. “I am truly devastated and horrified by the disturbing actions that Ray Rice displayed,” Mike Rice said during an exclusive interview from his home in Little Silver, NJ. “Ray Rice showed unprofessionalism and I think this is just totally intolerable.” Mike Rice went on
and said he supports the NFL’s indefinite suspension of Ray Rice. He encouraged the New Rochelle, New York-native to take a break away from football to pursue an alternative career in coaching “Ray is still young, he has a bright future ahead of him. He just needs to take a step away from football and let his emotions go away,” Mike Rice said. He added that Ray Rice will eventually regain the public’s trust. Despite his encouraging words, Mike Rice also criticizes Ray Rice’s volatile behavior and admits he kind of “laughed a little” while watching the horrific footage. “Those were some of the weakest punches I
have seen in so long… like what the fuck… even a gay homo fag can punch better than Ray,” Mike Rice said. "Conclusively, a man should never hit any individual,” Mike Rice continued as he brandished his fist in the air, adding, “And that includes all basketball players and your wife.” Aside from his harsh criticism of Ray Rice’s unacceptable behavior, Mike Rice also blasted NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting fast enough to suspend Ray Rice immediately after the incident.
I DIDN’T WRITE THIS SHIT
ORGO PROFESSOR...
...continued from front
students would approach in order to laugh at more jokes and maybe see if he could adjust the curve a little bit. Patel’s comedy success with the class has prompted him to attempt a new career as a stand-up comedian. “I’ve done this science stuff for too long,” he said with a wave of his hand, “it’s time for a change to something I truly excel at.” Dr. Patel will be performing this coming Wednesday afternoon at the New Brunswick Stress Factory. He described his routine as “educational, but of course, filled with funny scientific puns.” He is confident that a good portion of his class will attend. The Medium is prone to agree; Thursday is the day his students receive their exam grades.
WE SUCK B1G TIME
A very special personal: “To the officer who ticketed a black Mazda in Lot 26 at 2:07AM on 9/16/14, go fuck yourself.” We feel you, bro. No one ever deserves it. Keep fightin’ Keep survivin’
CUM TO OUR MEETINGS!
BSC ROOM 116C WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00PM BRING YOUR OWN FREE FOOD!
YOUR AD HERE (OR SOMEWHERE ELSE)
themedium.business@gmail.com SUCK IT, ELI
WINE & LIFESTYLE
This semester, the Medium will recognize and give tribute to a higher standard of living. This week’s Wine & Cheese Review:
Franzia Zinfandel & Kraft Singles
AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
FREE TITS!!11!
So, like, Franzia is really good because its cheap, and its sweet, so you can drink a lot. Bitches also really like slapping the bag. Bitches love wine in general. One time, I drank this shit on Passover (you can’t drink beer obviously) and tried to keep up with my pong playing friends. Not recommended. I woke up on the frat couch with the worst hangover ever. Kraft Singles are individually wrapped so you don’t have to eat all the cheese. I once got really high and tried to make quesadillas with American cheese. It was pretty terrible but this cheese is pretty convenient.
september 17TH, 2014 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MO PICKS, MO PROBLEMS
MEDIUM OPTS NOT TO KICK NOVA WHEN HE'S DOWN BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON SPORTS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY— Local satire publication, The Medium, decided to take the high road this week with their coverage of the Rutgers-Penn State game. After an extremely poor performance by Rutgers oft-criticized quarterback Gary Nova, many students were expecting the newspaper to be filled with joke after joke at Nova’s expense. But The Medium sports editor had other ideas. “I don’t know man, it just seems like low-hanging fruit,” said the editor, adding that Nova “must feel like absolute garbage after once again blowing what could have been a program-building win, so it would be kinda messed up to augment his misery by pointing out that the loss and the resulting agony and pain felt by the
entire student body and fanbase rests solely on his shoulders.” “Put yourself in Gary’s shoes. Your defense puts up a heroic effort against a nearby rival, your team outplays the opposition at every single position but yours, the fans of a program decimated by irrelevancy for decades finally have something to cheer about, and you single-handedly ruin all of it for everyone. It’s already bad enough for you. Now imagine a campus newspaper exploding with hilarious jokes about your name being Gary Nova and you having ‘5 TurNovas’, how you could have done just about ANYTHING other than POOR GUY throw 5 interceptions so that we Even the meanest of The could have won the damn game Medium staff can appreciate that Gary just needs to be left alone right against Penn Fucking State and stuck it to those cultish assholes now.
KEYS TO THE MATCHUP: RUTGERS vs. NAVY
-Institute a new practice strategy in which defensive practice squad players wear Navy's uniform to make it explicitely clear to Gary Nova to whom he should and should not throw the ball. -Give the ball to Paul James or Justin Goodwin. This prevents Rutgers offense from throwing the ball, which is usually where games are lost. -Did we mention running the ball yet? -Don't throw the ball.
-Trick Rutgers into passing by blitzing all 11 defensive players every single play. You'll just have to trust us on this one. -Run that weird option crap -Convince Rutgers they are the overwhelming favorites to win the game, since they have a tendency to blow it when that is the case. -Remind the refs that you are dedicating your life to service for your country and a win would be at least some sort of acknowledgement of that fact.
we both know you have nothing to do on wednesdays Medium Meetings 8 PM in BSC room 116c
from Pennsylvania that always have a better program than we do and steal our recruits from right under us. How would you feel then?” “You’d feel pretty bad, I imagine. So that’s why we here at The Medium are opting not to crush Nova’s spirit any further by writing stuff about how he is a senior who has tricked us into thinking he could one day blossom into a halfway-decent quarterback despite proving time and again he folds under pressure and never will lead our program to new heights that we maybe could have reached had we stuck with Tom Savage atsquarterback the last few years.” “To point that stuff out so soon after a tough game for Gary would just be wrong.”
Breaking: Rice Went to Rutgers BY SHREG GIANO SPORTS EDITOR
BALTIMORE— The news about former Baltimore Ravens star running back, and Super Bowl champion Ray Rice went from shocking to unbelievable in the days since the video of Rice punching his then-fiancé has surfaced. Prominent national sports media outlets such as NBC Sports, ESPN, and The Daily Targum have astutely pointed out that “former Rutgers running back Ray Rice” had been cut from the Ravens following the public release of Rice’s controversial video. The Medium has put together the pieces to this puzzle and discovered the horrible truth: Ray Rice used to go to Rutgers. The evidence is overwhelming. Rice amassed over 5000 scrimmage yards and 50 touchdowns while playing for Rutgers from 2005 to 2007. While seemingly circumstantial, the fact that Rice wore a Rutgers
uniform while playing college football is solid proof that Rice attended Rutgers university. The reporters outside of The Rutgers Student Center asking how students felt about Ray Rice was another important clue in determining that Rice was once an undergraduate here on the banks. Expect this very relevant conclusion to be featured in many news outlets as Rutgers continues to see its reputation destroyed from within.
rutgers football: we blow b1g games