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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue I
50¢
SEPTEMBER 18tH, 2013
IT'S OUR PARTY DO WHAT WE WANT
WELCOME TO CONSTRUCTION AVENUE
STUDENTS EMBRACE UNIVERSITY VISION OF HOLES, FENCES AND TRAFFIC BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHEIF
NEW BRUNSWICK -- New semesters are always a good time for a new look, and Rutgers is embodying just that mantra under President Barchi’s four year plan for unlimited dirt and chaos across the College Avenue campus. The new initiative has thus far worked to match the quality of the spirits and livers of university patrons, and students couldn’t be more thrilled. Residents of the Phi Kappa Sigma house are reportedly enjoying their new neighbor, the big red backhoe, and students looking for a good place to cook meth have lauded the addition of two giant house-sized holes along the historic boulevard. In a grand groundbreaking ceremony last Tuesday, new first year students came together to celebrate the surprise construction which will last the duration of their entire undergraduate careers. “I heard about the awe-
Rutgers President Robert Barchi takes the lead at groundbreaking ceremony some grease trucks before I came to Rutgers. It’s a shame they are gone but hey abandoned parking lots and scraggly fences will better prepare us for the real world,” said pathetically optimistic yet grimly accurate fresh-
man John Johnson on the compromise. The reclusive and enigmatic President Barchi made his public appearance wielding a saliva-laden sledge hammer as he rearranged everyone’s favor-
NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS SCHOOL
LIVINGSTON TO SECEDE FROM RUTGERS
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
PISCATAWAY, NJ – Secession fever hits home at Rutgers as Livingston announced yesterday that it will dissociate itself with Rutgers University and be once again known as Livingston College. The former campus has sent its declaration of secession to President Barchi who has yet to ratify the document and acknowledge Livingston as a sovereign university. In its announcement, Livingston claimed that it has the amenities to function as a self-sustaining university, citing its luxury apartments, improved dining hall, and newly constructed Starbucks. “We are no longer dependent on College Avenue, Busch and the other campuses in the Rutgers union for our academic, dining,
ite landmarks into rubble. “College Avenue is always the best no matter what it looks like! I support the president and his vision,” said senior Robin Lancer, standing on an LX Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Targum Searches for New EIC on Match.com
Doctors Study the Dangers and Possible Benefits of the 'Gunpowder Diet'
residence resources. Our deans have appropriately decided that we no longer need to associate with the other campuses that lack trendy strip malls and first
class housing.” Livingston denied making comments about the Quads and the use of harmful chemicals that line the walls Continued on Page 2
We're Back Bitches! ESTABLISHED 1970
2013-2014 Academic Year Funded Successfully through KickStarter Campaign Grease Truck Relocation Gives Student Excuse for Going to Douglass Freshmen Realize Newspaper They are Holding is Fake
the Medium
NEWS
"I don't always finish my quotes, but when I do"
NOT FAT, JUST BIG BONED
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013
SQUEEZE PLAY
RU dining services to end Aaron Hernandez Switches campus obesity through from Tight End to Wide Receiver starvation BY BUBBLE BUTT NEWS EDITOR
EW BRUNSWICK, NJ- The N plan, announced this summer, is finally being put into action. It begins with Brower Commons closing an hour early this month. Brower will be the first to change, it will be closing an hour earlier every month. By the end of the year it will be completely phased out as an option. If this works, the model will move onto the other campuses, eventually taking away every food option. “First the students will bloat, that will be all water Ghandi approves of the new weight, then the weight will just dining hall changes. burn right off.” “A Skinny School” (the not limit student intake of food projects name), came from old completely!” Critics have reserphotos of Twiggy and Kate Moss. vations to the idea of “complete Martin Sheen, the man oversee- starvation,” but their main aring the project has been quoted gument is that lack of student/ on record, many occasions say- food intake could be dangerous ing that a “twiggy” looking per- in the long run, “like smoking.” son is the ideal weight for a hu- Student obesity should man. “Gandhi looked GREAT!” be down from 53% to 13% by The plan illustrates it’s the end of the school year on the scientific basis. It cites new College Ave campus. This will studies that say, “not eating too hopefully be successful and be much keeps your body healthy”. put into action on the other camThe plan’s rationale is, “why puses as soon as next year. CONSTRUCTION
LIVINGSTON
for the 97th consecutive minute. As in the case of the old grease truck lot, the University has stated its intentions to cover starting quarterback Gary Nova with a red tarp featuring an image of an ideal replacement. President Barchi addressed the media with similar plans last Friday. “We should just cover up our unsightly dining hall food with pictures of better food. Same with ugly foreign professors and maybe I’ll buy a toupee too.” Freshmen secretly eagerly awaiting their alumni cards, will lovingly remember their four years of wet concrete, cold steel fences, and asinine traffic as they stroll through the new honors housing and other new buildings standing on College Avenue at the end of the decade.
of the dorms. A team of Medium reporters went into Livingston to understand the lives of the students who live there. Almost immediately, we reported that the vast majority of the students wore Tommy Hilfinger sweaters and drank Starbucks coffee, which were revealed to be venti Caramel Macchiatos, as the students were quick to correct us.
...continued from front
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
...continued from front
Hernandez reminds all young players to use protection. BY DR. TOSSED SALAD feelings about this announcePERSONALS EDITOR ment,” expressed Patriots quarBRISTOL COUNTY, MA- An- terback and Hernandez’s forother shocking turn of events mer teammate Tom “Big Dick” has occurred in the life of the Brady. “I think he is really gonna former Patriots star tight end enjoy this new experience in his Aaron Hernandez, as he has of- life, but on the other hand I’ve ficially announced that he has been trying to get him to be my retired from the position he be- wide receiver for years so he came famous for, tight end. “I could catch my passes, but he have been in prison for almost never wanted to…but it does three months, and I have been seems like prison is, in fact, havgetting lonely, so myself and a ing a positive impact on him.” couple guys were just hanging After practicing for weeks around and they told me it was with fingers and other handy obtime to graduate to a better posi- jects, Hernandez has announced tion.” that he has improved his range Hernandez, who for at the position from about a half weeks had been getting comple- an inch to as much as 2 inches ments for his nicely toned body in diameter. “I owe all of my and inviting ass, finally decid- success so far to my new teamed that it was time to socialize mates, who have showed me with his new “friends.” “It was ways to quickly improve my just time to move on to bigger gaping abilities.” and better things,” stated HerAt press time, Hernandez's nandez, who has been in prison new teammates say that he is since late June after conviction ready to come off of the physifor murder, “but I’m ready to be- cally-unable-to-perform list and come a wide receiver, my friends line up to catch his first pass tell me that I will get a lot of “big from Lars McAllister, an inmate deals” from this position change in for two counts of assault, posnow and in the future.” sessing a modest 6 and ¾ inch “I personally have mixed long penis.
COME TO OUR MEETING AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER ROOM 120B AT 8 PM EVERY WEDNESDAY. WE'RE BETTER THEN THE TARGUM. WE'VE GOT BLACKJACK AND HOOKERS. YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THE NEWSPAPER!
Editor-in-Chief Stewart Hallman Managing Editor Devin Baker Business Manager Yagnesh Patel
News Editors Mike D'Anella-Mercanti Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youseff Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Mascot Rob the Sun God
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the graduated seniors from last year's The Medium. It was a pleasure working with you all and we hope that we don't fuck it up. Thank you for everything and come visit us and bring food.
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013
FEATURES
the Medium
“Yay! I have a big boy page!”
LIST TIME!
Signs That You Have No Friends
I NEED YOU
Ode of RUIDs
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN YOUR TRUE MASTER
BY FOUR LOKI A SEEMINGLY COOL PERSON
1. You bring your computer to lunch so you can watch movies
I’ve missed the touch and the feel of your hand on my spine. I’ve missed your push through the crack of the ID slider so fine. I’ve missed the way you would take me everywhere in your jeans pocket right near the warmth of your pubic hair.
2. You build puzzles 3. You have a Tumblr 4. You hang out with your family 5. You’re in a fan club 6. You know how many episodes of Star Trek there are 7. You can quote the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy 8. Your parents are your Facebook friends
10. You sit in the front of the class
PLEASE SEND ME E-MAILS: THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
It’s good to see you again.
NUMBERS
How To: Get a DUI
1,000,000 TO 0
Step 1: Drive to the liquor store.
Your chances of having sex with Mila Kunis
Step 2: Buy a large amount of alcohol. Step 3: Rapidly consume all of the alcohol. Step 4: Get into your car. Step 5: Start your engines! Step 6: Pretend you are in a NASCAR race. Step 7: While driving ridiculously fast, try to run over entire families. (More people = higher score!) Step 8: Crash into a house and wait for the police to arrive. Step 9: Get DUI and go directly to jail. (You may not pass go) Step 10: Stay in jail for the rest of your life because you are a murderer.
...NOT SO CUTE
I’ve craved your fingering every day. The way you’d rub me until I was raw and my name and barcode worn out and grey. Now that school is back in session, We’ll have all of our old adventures again. All our impassioned escapades to the dining hall...the computer lab, and through Smiley’s buttcrack.
9. You go to the movies alone
DIY
OHHHH MYYY GODDDD, how I’ve missed you so much all summer.
8
0
Sketchy New Brunswickians watching you right now
The amount of people that love you
BROS
2
Before Hoes
People sent me content
3,000,000,000
DON’T FUCK WITH CUTE
People masturbating right now
CUTE THING OF WEEK
Submitted by Brosef Stalin
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, Septeber 18th 2013
“Please someone carry me to gold.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Trust Me, You Do Not Want To Know What Went On In Here
Hey, how’s your year been? Move in comfortably? Nothing about me bothering you? Good, good. Oh, what’s that? I smell mildewy? Since you moved in? I really wouldn’t worry about that. It probably was just the last bunch of people who lived here. Those guys were crazy. Which reminds me, sorry if your mattress is a little damp, they couldn’t quite... clean everything out after that one night. Word to the wise, I wouldn’t recommend using your chair, either. I’d say your best bet is to burn it and just sit on the floor, but... well...let’s just say, if I were you, I wouldn’t touch flesh to that carpet. Actually, now that I think about it, maaaaybe you should spend as little time as possible in here. I think I remember the old tenants coming in with hazmat suits and geiger counters, and, I’m not
BY YOUR DORM ROOM entirely sure, but I think the room might have radioactive materials hidden behind the wall. Also, and I’m not 100% sure about this one, since I heard it from the neighbor’s room, but the bathrooms might be haunted by the souls of those sac-
“I really wouldn’t worry about the smell, I’m sure it’s nothing.” rificed in the name of the revered god king who’s name is way too hard to say. Like really, if he’s a god, he really should have an easier name to say. Seriously though, the people who lived here were really cool dudes. They were very social, and would have weekly gatherings, where they’d bring a bunch of their
friends and sit in a circle and sing and dance and immolate pig carcasses in pentagrams and have just a grand old time. I am really excited that you’re here, and I’m sure that your stay will be super pleasant and just as exciting. Oh, I just remembered what that mildewy smell is from. See, I’m pretty sure it’s coming from the air vent. I wouldn’t check in there, though, I’m pretty sure there’s a body back there that’s gone bad a while ago. I think it was being saved for something, and it was just forgotten about. Sorry about that. But you know, sometimes you just forget bodies when you’re so excited to move out and enjoy your summer break. Either way, I’m sure it’ll go away by itself. All the other bodies did. Welp, good night, don’t let the bed bug bites, for real.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
ADVICE
Ask a guy who just found out about AMC’s Breaking Bad Dear guy who just found out AMC’s Breaking Bad, I am worried about my course work this year. I’m taking a lot of really difficult classes and I thought I could handle the work at first, but now that we’ve gotten a bit into the material, I’m not sure I can stay on top of it all. I’m getting really worried that I’ll start missing work and that my grades will suffer. I’ve considered dropping a course, but I do really enjoy these classes, and I’m afraid of having a drop will negatively impact my transcript. Please, can you help tell me what I should do? -Buried under books Oh, yeah, sure, I know that problem. That’s a real bummer, bro, but you know, before I tell you what you should do, I have to ask, have you heard about that chemistry show, Breaking Bad? Like, I found out about it a
couple of weeks ago, and holy crap, this is amazing. You know, maybe you should watch this show. It’ll definitely get your mind off the problem. Maybe that’s all you need, and I mean, holy shit, will this show do a good job of getting your mind off your problems. Like, I’ve never seen anything better than this. The writing is so perfect as well as the acting. It’s beautiful, and stressfully glorious. Vince Gilligan is a mastermind of the art form. Sometimes I get hard from watching the show. Actually, maybe you should just quit all your classes, you’ll never make anything as good as this, so why even try? What’s the point? I’ve already started collecting parts for a meth lab, and I could use a partner, so we could always do that.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
What are your thoughts on Ben Affleck as the New Batman “This is a disgrace to the citizens of Gotham City.” Al Wu, Engineering Freshman
“The Joker is already laughing.” Sally Valery, Senior Pessimist
“Give me- uh, I mean, him, a fucking break.” Bennito Afflecko, Famous Mexican Celebrity
Oh God, Please Don’t Do It BY YOUR STOMACH
Please, have mercy. I’ve been so good to you all these years. You can’t do this to me. I can’t handle this. The dining hall food is already keeping me on edge. If you eat that sandwich I will literally die. In turn you also will probably die. I’m already so big that you can’t even see your dick when looking down. If you have any sense or reason, you will not eat that greasy monstrosity. Think of all the good times we’ve had together. Are you really going to throw that all away just for some lard and breaded chicken? How about a nice salad? I can’t deal with this shit anymore, don’t fucking do this. NO, STOP, LORD NO.
You Know You Want Me In You BY FAT SANDWICH
I know you want my hot mozzarella sticks in your mouth. Just imagine my tangy chipotle sauce running down your throat, and the taste of my buttery chicken on your tongue. You know you can’t resist me, I’m fucking deli-
cious. And, I mean, c’mon, ketchup counts and I’ve got, like all the food groups in me, so I’m totally healthy. Potatoes are a vegetable, right? Yeah, and ketchup is good for you, antioxidants and all that shit. Mmmm, just think of that warm fluffy bread sliding down your throat Eat me. Just do it! Don’t ask any questions. Just lay back and let it happen. Look deep within your gastrointestinal tract and you’ll see, I belong in you.
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013
ARTS
the Medium
“Give me a cool name please.”
DOUGLASS/COOK ISN’T A REAL CAMPUS RUTGERS CAMPUSES, THEN AND NOW COLLEGE AVE
BUSCH
LIVINGSTON
THEN
NOW
MAKING SPANK
CUTE OR FREAKY? FREAKY.
THIS IS A PIC OF ME EATING VIETNAMESE FOOD (TRUE TO SCALE). I WAS NOT ACTUALLY IN VIETNAM. BUT I WISH I WAS. I ALSO WISH THAT YOU WOULD SUBMIT YOUR ARTY SHIT TO THEMEDIUM.ARTS@GMAIL.COM. RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE STANDARDS FOR ACCEPTANCE ARE LOW. JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
PERSONALS
the Medium UNI-PSYCHO
FALLING IN LOVE
WELL THEN
To the guy who rides his unicycle around Busch, keep on doing what you do. You are the pure definition of not giving a fuck; you don’t even use your hands. If people tell you you’re not cool, just can just say “Be right back I’m too busy drowning in vagina.”
I saw a beautiful girl fall on the steps next to Brower before the football game last week. She was intoxicated and that’s how I like my girls. I just wanna let her know I have no problem with her falling on my face and staying there for a while.
To the little niglet on College Ave last week: bro, did you come straight outta Africa or some shit? I swear, I’ve seen kids from India that are fatter than you. I think they’ll have to give a new meaning to slayin dem bitchez with those bladeslim arms you have. You need to go to one of our fine Rutgers Dining establishments and stuff up!
(That guy is definitely not drowning in pussy so you can bet your sweet ass he’s using his hands for something.)
CAMPUS WEIRDOS To the handicap shower in Brett Hall. I have never enjoyed a shower while dorming at Rutgers until I met you. I feel like such an asshole using you but I don’t care because you’ve reached places that no shower has before. You’re like the unexpected pleasure one gets from hiring a prostitute with dwarfism. There are so many little fingers up your asshole but you just don’t care and wow this analogy took a turn for the worse! (I no longer wanna be handicapped. I never wanted to be a dwarf.) THE NEW DRAKE ALBUM IS STRAIGHT FIRE.#NWTS (I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. #HASHTAG)
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013
"Math is a hell of a drug."
(I have a hunch the unicycle guy sent this in. Pervert.) To the cute girl with the yellow skirt Tuesday in Apartment C, not only were you dressed nice, you had the most beautiful voice. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten off on the 2nd floor and instead talked to you for a bit...
(Racism towards two groups AND making fun of the dining halls, this letter has it all!)
To the HOMELESS DRUG ADDICT BUM Billy with the grey hoodie and glasses on Easton Ave that sits (No girls will be wearing next to Welsch Farms: yellow skirts on campus af- FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU ter hearing this.) and FUCK YOU AGAIN! You asked for a dollar. I if you were hungry, TRANSPORTATION asked you said yes. I offered to buy you food at The Hey, Hey, Hey, Rutgers Fresh Grocer. You said I EE bus driver Fat Albert am not hungry now but side swiped a pick-up I will be later. About an truck while leaving hour I watched you the George & Paterson buying drugs from a Streets bus stop. RUPD is dealer. My friends know telling him it’s his fault him. I’m spreading the because he pulled out word to my Easton Ave into traffic. Fat friends who frequent the Albert is arguing it. Well bars. Also, I gave bag Fat Albert, I’ve got a song lady $10 at Starbucks. Oh, for you; maybe I forgot to menPoints, Points and Points. tion FUCK YOU HOMEStop fucking looking at LESS DRUG ADDICTED the hot girls in BUM your mirror and pay attention to driving! (So why didn’t you just buy
him some drugs directly?) (Someone’s pissed he had to run for the bus then grind FINE EATS Im 2 happy that shit hapup against three big girls pened to seaside. Sandy To the Livingston dining the whole time.) shoulda taken care of hall I can live with burnt those scummy bars and pizza but fuck you. The those scummy people. SNATCHCHAT ash from the crust rubbed Hopefully the chylamydoff on my hand and now to the dude who snap- ia and herpes burnt out it looks like I fingered a chats me, and facebook with the boardwalk and coal miners wife messages me constantly ice cream shop. I hope that my deleting (You don’t wanna know you was a hint. Leave (Grandma always said you how I got the black lung me the fuck alone. And can’t have too much chlathen.) mydia or ice cream.) you’re a fatty. When I’m drunk, I genu(Said every girl ever.) inely cry in my bedroom because I miss the grease trucks still. When im drunk i sent pics of my tits to any guy (My ex-girlfriend is a fat that asks. i cant stop it. i bitch. You can probably buy need help her for $5.50. I’d take half a sandwich for her though.) (Said no girl ever.)
WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM This is the start of a new era right here. Not only have I not showered in four days but I am also not wearing any pants. You might wonder what this little guy to the left is doing. Is that a real life Pokemon? Ha! I laugh at your lack of small animal knowledge. This is our Rodent of the Week right here. We call this a degus. You get one by forcing a squirrel to have sex with a chinchilla, normally anal. And it’s never consensual. Squirrels are fucked up. Probably doesn’t seem so cute now. Anyway, send your pick for Rodent of the Week and those nasty personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com. Keep on creepin on.
FANBOYS
BUS-TED
To the girl who called Matt Damon, “Matt Damian” I’m shaking my fucking head at you.
Hey guys, I’m back! This time maybe when I sit on the bus and I get eye contact from a girl, I’ll try to not drop my (I normally call him Ben Af- head down to the fleck’s bitch boy. He’s been ground to avoid their replaced by Marky Mark gaze. Wahlberg as Boston’s favorite squishy-faced Neander- (Ladies, he’s single!!!!!!!) thal.) Miley is so hot right now. U guys are all haters and just dont understand good music. shes an artist and she just happens to be hot so yeah she’ll show it off.
All of you on the buses need to go on Jenny Craig or some shit, that way I don’t have to wait for every third bus to finally be able to fit on
(List of some of my other favorite artists: Pam Anderson, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Jenna Jameson.)
(Is Jenny Craig still a thing? If it is, I’m speed-dating there! Low self-esteem here I come.)
THE PATRIOT WAY
Do you appreciate a good dick joke? Wanna make fun of some of the clubs on campus or your ex boyfriend’s frat? Can you make good Photoshops of the University President’s head on Miley Cyrus’ body? The Medium is for you! Wednes(The Jets didn’t win. Neither did he.) days BCC Room 120.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 18th, 2013
“She must like bubblegum, cause she was biting.”
RE-INTRODUCING THE ONE AND ONLY
I’LL EAT THAT
On the Right Page once again, back for a second time, the undesputed heavyweight pimp of the world! The one! The only! DR. TOSSED SALAD
The DCC has decided to name their sandwiches after dorms on Cook Douglass and I am sorry but eating “the Lippencott” just doesn’t sound appetizing.
Hello everyone, for those of you who don’t know me, I am Doctor Tossed Salad and I will be your neighborhood Doctor for the next few months. I also be pimpin, but ya know who can blame me, I’m so fucking good. I’m so good I’m getting my cock sucked right now as I write this page. Ugh I wanna go fuck this chick but I gotta finish this goddamn page (I spelled damn right again!). Okay so this is what you do... 1. Write shit 2. Send it to me 3. Get published And then I can go get my asshole licked. Sounds good right. Send personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com
FUCK ME PRINCE
GET INVOLVED
To all the girls out there, please let your pens fall off your desks so that I can be your Prince Charming, even just for a moment, and save all of you damsels in distress by picking up your pen for you.
Why was the fat guy at convocation talking so much? And why did he have his tshirt tucked in? He’s fat does he think he looks good? (Yes...yes he does.)
This envolvement fair (And then you’re gonna sucks fuck them, right. If you’re gonna be on my page you (We know, therre were no gotta fuck them...at least eat titties.) her pussy come on.) Why couldn’t we just move the involvement BAKED fair instead of shoving us To the guy who tried for all indoors in this godhours to play relay last forsaken furnace. week, sorry I left you dude, I went to go stoned (Because Rutgers would and forgot all about you. shut down if we didn’t have it! Like who would join all (You mean you left ‘cause of the fucking Christian no chicks were playing. Tell clubs! We couldn’t go on if they didn’t get their two it like it is bitch.) new memebers!) So I had a moment that I thought my heart was a To the girl in the blue cookie, and then had all skirt at the table across of these sensations going from me, girl I saw you looking at me the whole all over my body. day, and I have to say, (Ugh more bullshit person- you gave me my fever fix als. It’s getting late come on for the day. send in better shit.) (Yo them Asians are into that kinky shit...know what UGH SHIT I’m saying...well you probabily don’t ‘cause you didn’t Where is the backpage go talk to her, but I’m thinkeditor? ing my other readers do.) (Another missing editior! GET OVER HERE Stay tuned!) Come Wednesdays at Congratulations you 8pm in the BCC, room have made it to the end 120B, and join the best of the column. Come lick newspaper on campus! Cum one cum all! my asshole you sick fucks We bite...I promise. and send me personals.
(My favorite is the Katzenbach. I love eating me anything from Katzenbach.) I was on a EE one day and I just happened to glance at this girl in front of me who happened to be wearing only leggings as pants. She was turned around and I was sitting down so all I could see was her ass. And you know what I saw? Nothing. No wedgies or buttcheeks slipping out or even underwear lines. I was honestly so fucking impressed by it. I felt the need to share this amazing accomplishment. (Could you next time go into more detail about the ass itself. Shape, size, how was the fuckin shake?! We want more, we NEED more.)
COCK SUCKING FRESHMAN To every cock-sucking, dim-witted freshman: do you fucks even know how to go to a football game properly? I couldn’t even stand to watch the student section at any SEC or B1G team after suffering through ours with you losers. Let me make this a PSA: make some fucking noise when we’re on D, and shut the fuck up when we’re on O. And come plastered - that usually helps. Failure to comply will result in being thrown in the Raritan with bricks being tied to you so you sink to the bottom. (Please oh my god please enough with the fucking R U chant when we are on offense. It makes little Gary nervous, and when Gary gets nervous he does stupid shit.)
Someones gotta teach these freshman two things. One is that if your indian and you go out with your 4 indian friends, turn around To the blonde hoe in the cause your wasting your College Ave gym last time and everyone will week: bitch, we saw you judge you if they see you. trying to do squats with Then someones gotta tell your yoga pants and these chicks that wearmakeup on. Don’t fool ing fucking big ass high yourself and try to fool heels is not gonna be cute us - you’re not getting when your walking your any attention during bro drunk asses home. time. Do yourself a favor: stay outta the gym and (And don’t be afraid to take hit me up the next time drinks from anyone. I’m you’re trying to suck sure they are all from very upstanding citizens. Oh some quality dick. and start cheating on your (Shit fuck this guy, girl if significant others. ‘Cause you wanna get some cock you know they cheating on while you work out you you right?) come right over to me, while this dude watches himself in HE GETS the mirror.)
Hey, Hey, Hey, Rutgers EE bus driver Fat Albert side swiped a pickup truck while leaving the George & Paterson Streets bus stop. RUPD is telling him it’s his fault because he pulled out into traffic. Fat Albert is arguing it. Well Fat Albert, I’ve got a song for you; Points, Points and Points. Stop fucking looking at the hot girls in your mirror and pay attention to driving! (If he is as fat as you say he is, he has to use his mirror. He’ll scare them away with direct eye contact.)
the Medium FUCKING BUSES Quit pulling the fucking yellow wire on the bus, especially at the RSC. (IT’S GONNA MAKE EVERY FUCKING STOP, IT ALWAYS DOES UNLESS IT’S LIKE 1 IN THE MORNING. FUCK.) How do these freshman still not know where the buses go? Bitches we have been in class for 2 weeks, all the fucking buses on Cook Douglass stop at College Hall! (Ugh do I even have to comment on this shit anymore.) To all the assholes at the Livingston Plaza stop, you all have runined yet another bus stop. Last year it was so peaceful at that stop, and well now that is gone. It’s a fucking shit show there now and all hope has been lost on Livingston. (My heart died a little when I saw the crowd at this stop. Yes the Doctor wrote this personal. I fucking hate all those business school fucks who ruined that bus stop for me. Now I have to stand all the way back to fucking Douglass during rush hour. It’s bad enough to have all the fucking freshmen running to the buses at the Student Center, but now it’s just too much and the whole place fucking sucks because of you accounting and fucking supply chain management fucks. What the fuck do you expect to do with a major like that anyway. It sounds fucking boring and you all get no pussy. Fuck you all.)
BITCHES
THE BACK PAGE
Wednesday Septe,ber 18th, 2013
“Brought to you by the lost and found editor.”
The Weather
MON
TUES
WED
HOT
COLD
SANDY
On Monday, tempuratures will rise into the high 100s and drop as low as the high 100s. The heat will incinterate most biological material. Make sure to wear a wide brimmed hat and apply sunscreen.
On Tuesday, and arctic cold front will be moving in on campus to try our famous fat sandwiches. Exposure to the outside air may result in instant freezing. Stay indoors. You will probably die otherwise.
THUR
FRI
What’s Shakin’ Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @ BCC-120B Come meet The Medium. Pitch your dumb ideas so we can laugh at them, and then harshly criticize all the thoughts you’ve ever had. Thursday 7:00 PM C.S. Lewis Society Drop some acid, take some shrooms and fall down a few rabbit holes Saturday 9:00 AM Douglass Campus A large void shall consume Douglass Campus. All residents are advised to leave before the campus is leveled.
How To Balance Your Budgets BY Supa Krupa Troopa
Financial Advice from a Business Student Use this analysis to assess how broke you actually are! 1. Count up all of the coins in your piggy bank and empty your pockets 2. Subtract the lint, gum, condoms and bacon from your pockets and piggy bank 3. Add all of the money you stole from your little brother and birthday money 4. Multiply the price of each pizza slice you’ve eaten this summer 5. Count up the pepperoni on the pizza then square the sum of this and cube the number of pineapples 6. Derivatize how much Rutgers robbed you of your tuition 7. Take the log of each fat sandwich you’ve ever eaten 8. Assign variables to all 24 women who have rejected you create an EOQ model 9. Find the limit of how much your car insurance is as it approaches infinity 10. Plot how much you spend on each trip to Starbucks on an x,y plane while you use multiple regression to forecast your bubble tea and beer consumption. 11. Finally, combine all of your results and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing just how truly empty your wallet will be!
All of Rutgers will be turned to sand. Please prepare your camels, for buses will be out of commision for the day. Expect delays for class and leave early.
WET
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Rutgers will be experiencing heavy flooding, resulting in water levels at least 8 feet high. It is recommended that you trade in your camels for kayaks and rafts for maximum efficiency, as camels are not strong swimmers.
Have your own iPhone 5S Feeling left out with the release of the new iPhone? Well we at The Medium have got you covered! Just cut the phone below and hold it you your face! You’ll look like an entitled hipster technophile just like the pretentious douchebag you really are!
SUBMIT TO THE MEDIUM @ THEMEDIUM.BACKPAGE@GMAIL.COM We’ll run literally anything.