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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
50¢
September 23rd, 2009
Volume xl Issue 3
HEALTH AND WELLNESS
CAMEL RELEASES CIGARETTES WITH ANTIOXIDANTS BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
WINSTON, NC—In a move that’s been widely heralded as the best thing since “ghetto booty up in your grill,” the R.J. Reynold’s subsidiary Camel has unveiled Gojiçaípomberry cigarettes–a new take on the classic death stick. The cigarettes contain antioxidant-rich extracts from the more popular super-fruits, including the acclaimed açaí and goji berries. With the product’s release coming on the heels of a milestone study published last week entitled “306 More Reasons Why Antioxidants Win,” Camel executives have high expectations for fourth-quarter profits. “Antioxidants are the future. Cancer is not,” remarked CEO Daniel M. Delen. “We’re fighting fire with, well, fire.” Public reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, as ten out of ten doctors agree that antioxidants are “super healthy.” Christy Lane, a typical house-
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wife living the suburbs of Philadelphia, never thought she’d encourage her children to smoke. “I pack two Gojiçaípomberry cigarettes in my son’s lunch every day,” she said, beaming. Mrs. Lane’s son is in fourth grade. “My six daughter already has cancer, so she’s on a strict regimen of three packs a day [and she doesn’t get dessert until she finishes them all],” added Mrs. Lane. The rest of America, it seems shares Christy’s sentiment. According to a recent Gallup poll, “93 percent of Americans fucking love antioxidants” despite only four percent of the population “actually knowing what antioxidants are.” Other industries have taken note of Camel’s success, and consumers should expect to see antioxidant filled butter, beer, and guns hitting store shelves soon. Although the New England Consortium of Good Doctors supports the product, opposition does exist in some areas of the mid-west. “Bogues aren’t cool anymore,
News Quickies Medium edges out Centurion in Forbes Best Campus Media Awards.
Visitors to the Rutgers page on the Forbes website will not be surprised to see The Medium listed as an official “Best Campus Media” award winner. This highly prestigious title is even more relevant under the auspices of numerous other distinctions bestowed upon Rutgers, including the coveted merit of being the 437th Best College in America.
Freshman biddie turnout reaches seven year high.
TORCH UP!
The new face of cancer prevention
bro,” posited sixteen year old Eddie Marks, as he admired the latest handiwork of his tattoo artist — a giant Bowser surfing and wailing on a double necked guitar. “Nothing gets me going more than knowing I’ll live continued, “CIGGIES,” page 2
Early pre-semester projections had predicted a particularly low number of “fuckable biddies” appearing on campus this year. “Given the state of the economy, we expected an influx of Indians and other undesirable internationals,” commented expert analyst Ian Gabriel. “After three weekends of observation, it’s clear that the official Biddie Count needs to be revised.” Average hotness campuswide was reported to be 7.2 out of 10, an unprecedented 26% increase from last year’s numbers.
HOME DEPOT
TKE HAS BEST RUSH TURNOUT OF ANY FRAT EVER BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES FRATERNITY CORRESPONDENT
NEW BRUNSWICK—Thanks to a recent advertising campaign in The Medium, Tau Kappa Epsilon has had a record number of young men turn up for rush events. This practically guarantees that their fraternity will dominate Greek life at the University this year. “When I saw their skillfully laid-out advertisement,” said freshmen John Pound, “I knew this fraternity was where I could go to become the man I know I can be. Forget the Army.” The sheer number of applicants has allowed TKE to be particularly choosy with their crop of incoming pledges. According to chapter member Anthony Adams, nearly all of their recruits have 3.5 or higher GPAs, rock Oakleys even when it’s dark, can hold their liquor like gods, and have feet that look spectacular in sandals. The Medium encourages other Greek organizations interested in kicking ass to submit their ads to managing@themedium.net
A SEAFOOD BLOWOUT!
Mama Brower bombs the Raritan to get fish in preparation for King Neptune Night, which was absolutely, deliciously, unkosher.
SUBMIT YOUR ARTICLES TO NEWS@THEMEDIUM.NET It’s Delicious! ESTABLISHED 1970
THE MEDIUM
NEWS
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
“There’s nothing wrong with a teenage rabbit teaching good hygiene.”
ECONOMY
ENTERTAINMENT
VMAs Crashed BY Unknown Black Man
BY SOUTH POLE DIVERSITY DIRECTOR
LOS
Robots working hard to bring home the bacon
BUSY AS A BEE
Out-of-work robots resort to domestic violence BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER STAFF WRITER
DETROIT—Marriage
counseling services everywhere are overwhelmed by the sheer number of domestic violence cases between robotic couples, especially among robots recently laid off by the auto industry. According to the latest crime reports provided by the Bureau of Robotic Relations (BRR), instances of violence in the household and workplace between robots has risen 1,200% over the course of two years. “Robots, especially the ones with arms or lasers are becoming increasingly more violent towards friends and spouses in record numbers,” said Chief Robot Liaison Herbert Warren. “It should be seen as a sign of the tough times that we all face as Americans.” Sociologists believe that this new wave of violence is a result of the fickle economy and that unemployment among robots is to blame. In light of the recent crises, General Motors had no choice but to fire approximately 87% of its automated workforce while also temporarily
“CIGGIES,” continued from front past 40.” The response is partly induced by the recent “Smoke or Die” campaign launched by Camel earlier this year. Along with antioxidants, Camel
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
suspending the rest without vacation. “These displaced automatons do not have any experience with unemployment or any other skills outside of their respective job on the assembly line,” explained Penn State Sociology Professor Bob Howard. Other industries are starting to feel the pinch. Anti-virus health clinics have had few paying customers lately, and merchants everywhere are reporting a severe decrease in gigabyte RAM upgrades as more and more robots face uncertain financial futures. Said Howard, “These workers have no money, no livelihoods. Alcohol and WD-40 are used as coping mechanisms and naturally, the combination of the two results in terrible, terrible things.” According to research done by Howard, robots “hopped up on the forty” are twice as likely to reactivate themselves and engage in violence against their robot wives or children. When asked about this behavior, robot spokesman Model PX-430B said “Insufficient dollar input. Re-routing anger towards wife. Insert more booze.” has included “organic rat poison” in an honest attempt to make its cigarettes healthier. “Fuck that shit,” continued Mr. Marks. “I don’t fuckin’ roll with the healthy side of life. I might as well just eat broccoli in the school parking lot.”
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Flakey McFlake Paul Winters
ANGELES—Celebrities
across the nation were stunned last week when Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for “Best Female Video” was interrupted by a mysterious unknown black fellow. Taylor Swift expressed disbelief about the night of her life being ruined by the perpetrator. “For a second, I thought Lupe Fiasco was coming to give me a surprise congratulations. It wasn’t until he pulled the mic from my hand that I realized I had no idea who the fuck was stealing my spotlight.” VMA officials have been unable to hypothesize on the unknown man’s identity. According to reports, he wears large, dark glasses at all hours of the day and has a fondness for couture fashion, Hennessey, and autotune. While the rogue has yet to reveal his true identity, he has issued
WHO ‘DAT?!
Ain’t no one knows.
an characteristically douchey statement apologizing for his outburst. The post, which consisted of twenty-three lines of capitalized gibberish, is currently being deciphered by a team of VMA cryptologists. The only line that has been successfully unlocked reads as follows: “Yo this apology is pretty good and imma keep sayin’ it but word, Bill Clinton had one of the best apologies of all time, he’s the man.”
SPORTS Nets Basketball game, but officials at NJ Blood Services are completely puzzled why there was a lack of interest. “To say we’re shocked is BY TORGO VAN PELT an understatement,” said Charles STAFF WRITER Grossenbacher, Executive Director for NJBS. “Why would NEW BRUNSWICK— anyone not want to see New Jersey Blood a team which traded Services announced away any star power today that their they once had while simultaneously pissing University-wide blood off every person in drive, held earlier this the state with their September, acquired a proposal to move to miniscule grand total of Brooklyn?” UNLESS 15 pints. This blood Speculation for YOU’RE GAY. drive broke the the lack of blood received is currently previous record low of 43 pints set in focused on the offer to potential 2000, when donors were given the gift donors of free tickets to a New Jersey of dinner and a movie with Carrot Top.
“BLOOD FOR NETS” DRIVE NETS LITTLE BLOOD
It’s LIKE YOU’re NOT SINGLE. BUT YOU ARE.
Body Pillows.
Available exclusively at: News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium and its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to coppin’ all kinds of dome. Just trying to get my disc wet, you know?
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
Do you remember the 21st of September - Ba De Ya dancing in September
THE MEDIUM
Map Of Busch Campus - home of the Model Minority
Or if you’re white....you are the Minority
Horoscopes Fuck Leo’s and Aquarius’ Virgo (August 23- September 22): Money’s tight and you’re stuck deciding whether to switch to rock, or stick with your usual blow. Either way, high times are in store, though if you insist on the nose candy, you may have fewer rolled-up dollar bills withwhich to snort happiness. Libra (September 23- October 22): This month will make up for when August turned you into a sweaty butterball with the strut of an elephant. You could blame the stars, or remember the spellbinding attractiveness of that road whore, Wendy. This month you won’t need a Frosty to fill those voids from your troubled childhood. Scorpio (October 23- November 21): Trying to get things to go your way will be like a flaming homosexual who finds himself alone in a locker room with a hot, and unfortunately strait, football player: It isn’t going to happen. Cut your losses and chill for once. There’s probably a marathon of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” you can watch instead. Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): When a friend comes on to you, stop and think. Just because they’re sitting there with their pants around their ankles doesn’t mean you should freak out, or immediately get frisky. Never mind how you feel about them. Decide first on ways you can milk them of their resources. If they don’t have any, they weren’t really your friend in the first place. Capricorn (December 22- January 19): If your boss catches you stealing paper, ink cartridges, or the occasional inhalant from the supply closet, keep your cool. Simply remind him or her that he or she can write these items off to the Petty Cash Fund. Tell him or her you learned this in your first semester accounting class, so you’re pretty much an expert.
Pisces (February 19- March 20): Looking for a sign telling you to tie a lasso around your imagination and drag it down to Earth? This month you’re little too eager to jump into things without thinking them through. Attempting a quickie is no exception. Just remember: No one likes an unwrapped present. Aries (March 21- April 19) That childhood fascination with HumpyDumpty’s shattering fall has become fused with your common sense. A ride in the country now leads to the rational deduction that a hilly farm would result in cows falling and killing themselves. Pure coincidence? Think again. You’re a violent being, so spend this month sleeping during the day, and constructing an Iron Maiden in your roommate’s shape at night. Taurus (April 20- May 20) You’ve always been known for your stubborn nature, and this Month, when conflict arises, it will bring out your inner Leviathan. You’re plagued by stormy debates that send you on an internet searching frenzy, entering phrases like “crucify your future children” and “wench whore mother” into a translator in an attempt to make stealthy jabs at your opponent in German. Gemini (May 21- June 20) If the twins who make up the constellation Gemini got together and fucked, their weird inbred child, in all its confused, alien glory, would bear striking resemblance to your current mental state. The confusing circumstances you will find yourself in will only be compounded when you recall all the similarities between yourself and the genetically inferior product of celestial incest Cancer (June 21- July 22) Giving your sister the money on her 18th birthday to go out and get “Legal since 8/23/09” tattooed on her ass probably wasn’t the best idea. But you’ve gotten inked in the past, even if it was only done by your friend in Sharpie during English composition. It’s true that your desire to legitimize your membership in the Pen15 club has never subsided, but you just weren’t born with the same balls as your sister.
THE MEDIUM Colin Fong - Editor-in-Chief Born into the world with a grand love of anime and the culture of Japan, he was thrust into his position as Editor-in-Chief because he was the only one that was able to read. Even though he doesn’t understand American humor, or why these stupid Gaijin even bother to attempt to entertain, because their pitiful attempts are miserable, in comparison to the glorious, beautiful art form of Anime. He once spent an entire month jumping from anime con to anime con, he eventually collapsed from exhaustion and Pocky-overdose.
MEET TH
“We’re onl
A Typical Me
John Bender- Managing Editor I seriously hate writing these things. I never know what to say and no matter what I do to be creative or funny, it comes off as douchey or directly paraphrased from the diary entries of some well-known pedophile. Well fuck that. I’m a Criminal Justice Major yet Rutgers won’t let me declare yet because I lack the appropriate classes to officially declare. I have half of the Major done, yet I’ve been RU Screwed (Milledoler to Lucy Stone to Milledoler to Van Dyke to Milledoler to Lucy Stone) and will potentially have to go Super Senior in order to graduate. Worked for Goku, so it better work for me.
Keith St. Lawrence- Features Editor Keith St. Lawrence is a phantasm (phasm) who was trapped inside a pipe organ, and was freed by kids. Out of gratitude he granted their wish to become their comic book heroes, the Big Bad Beetleborgs. Keith was released by playing 3 notes (And later revealed that playing those same 3 notes, then playing them in reverse would again trap him inside the organ). He acts as an advisor and best friend, he offers needed magic to the kids when fighting the Rutgers Review, and later the Centurion. Although his magic doesn’t always work the way he would hope for it to. He is the head of the Hillhurst Mansion and is usually the one to keep the house monsters in check.
Reven MacQueen- Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen is proud to extend her tenure at The Medium another year and is enthralled by her promotion to Opinions Editor. After being accepted on the prestigious staff of this publication, Reven’s idea leapt out of her mind, onto the pages of the paper, then back into the mind’s of our readers. Described as the “Next Randolph Hearst,” Reven is poised for great success as she has just accepted a job at the New York Times as a Top Level Journalist. Fucking cunt.
Spicy Caramel- Personals Editor Spicy Caramel is in your class, in fact, she might even be your roommate an you wouldn’t even know it. She is highly elusive and a master of disguise. This semester, she goes around dressed as a robot just to conceal her identity. In fact, last year, she was one of the brothers at the CROW house AND SHE’S A CHICK! That’s right, she’s that good. She spends her spare time writing personals about you behind your back when you act like a complete drunken douche bag (and when you’re sober too) and hiding from the Feds. No one said being on the Watch List was as cool as it sounds…
Dave Imbriaco Personals Editor
Dave is the messiah of the personals page. In a previous life, he led a small group of Jews to freedom but met an untimely end in Palestine. He has since come a second time (HA!) and now instead of trying to usher in the kingdom of god, he provides wisdom and insight to the daily troubles of RU students. When asked for his feelings on his new purpose in life, he simply shook his head and said, “These dipshits are even more insane than my disciples were.”
Tim Swanson Staff Photographer Tim is happily married to the love of his life (2 Years Baby! Luv Ya!) and is looking forward to the birth of his first child (that he knows of). He is also a level 5 Vegan and only eats dirt.
HE MEDIUM
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
ly human”
edium Meeting
PJ Winters- Oldline/Online Editor
Peej “PJ” Paul Jones “Pee-Jay” Winters is old. We made this joke last year and yet it still comes back. Seriously, he is 27 or something, none of us know for sure. He has a real human person job and about 1,230 credits at Rutgers University yet he still hasn’t gotten his degree in anything. At all. Maybe if his major was Apple Product Whore-ology with a minor in Goatee Maintenance, then yes, he would’ve graduated. PJ is one of the founders of The Medium which dates back to 1970 when he was going through his 19th pre-mid-life-half-life-mid-life crisis. Currently, he makes sure our internets don’t break.
Ryan Buttacavoli- Money Man Ryan is a senior at Rutgers with a major in Business Management and a minor in Philosophy. He is a strapping young fellow with many hobbies including lacrosse, carpentry, music, snowboarding, writing, and bud. His biggest ambition in life is to make a living creating business plans and selling them from the comfort of his beach hut somewhere in the Caribbean. Ryan can be found any given day on Hardenberg Street chilling to the sweet sound of Bob Marley just loving life.
Abe Stanway- News Editor
Katie Russian Arts Editor
Katie was born in an alleyway in the Bronx, left by her biological mother to be raised by meth-heads and bag ladies. However, despite childhood meth addiction and various other personal struggles this crack baby overcame tremendous odds and was actually accepted into college. She is now majoring in Hentai Production at Mason Gross School of the Arts.
Erinn Koerner- Copy Editor Erinn Koerner has spent most of her early childhood in various juvenile detention facilities. She earned her GED while in rehab for her addiction to the TV show ‘Scrubs’. She was accepted to Rutgers through the ‘Second Chance’ program where she is currently an English major and earns her living by breeding southern flying squirrels.
Mike Vuono Whats Shakin’ Editor Mike Vuono has no grade point average. Fuck you guys.
Abe Stanway is a descendant of a long line of Norwegian royalty, and his lineage can be traced back to the great Thor himself. A staunch advocate of polar bear assimilation, he enjoys taking his little pet negro for walks. When he’s not smoking a joint, he’s rolling another one, and he swears by the power of Oxyclean. Altoids rule!
Katie Daivis- News Editor When she took a career aptitude test in high school, she baffled guidance counselors as the computer spat back that she should be a comedian. Distressed, she walked in front of a car. She met God and learned about all there is to know, until the CPR kicked in and it became apparent she wasn’t going to die after all. God damn it. Her dubious fate is to live out the rest of her days as a perpetual asshole because, you know, she kinda knows everything.
Jake Lewandowski- Staff Writer
If you’re looking for dry writing with semi-obscure sports and political references only five people get, you’ve come to a guy close enough to that. Yes, Jake Lewandowski, the guy who can’t go five seconds without making a MST3K ref… wait a minute, he’s back?!? Holy fuck!
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “Like seriously guys, best OpEds page ever.”
September 23, 2009
about menial topics with her mandatory ugly fat friend, or M.U.F.F. The hot one will start giving longing, begging looks in your direction as she grows ever jealous of her M.U.F.F. getting all the attention. Torture her for a bit, and then direct a question at her. She’ll cream herself when she gets a “I feel that Medicare and Medchance to talk to you! icaid have actually done more to If there’s no M.U.F.F. hurt than help the people I know. in sight, don’t fret! Sometimes, Disband them immediately.” the best way to meet a pair of floating tits is like meeting anyone else¬—just greet her JOHN JONES with a smile and ask for her Spokesman, Private Insurance 4 name. Look her right in the All PAC eye and be ready with a conversation in the holster. You’d “The problem with healthcare be surprised how far a simple is that public, government run “Hi, what’s your name?” can healthcare is expensive because go! the government is only in it for Make sure you supthe money and doesn’t provide port your introduction with a the competition that one or mayquick change in topic to keep be two private companies can.” things moving and more imJIM JONES portantly, to keep her interest. HMO CEO There’s always something to talk about at a party—from the poor loser throwing up in the corner (“Aw, we should go “Government paperwork is SO help him out!”) to the asshole hard. On the other hand the horwho’s convinced he’s the best rendous maze that is the approvbeer pong player at Rutgers al process created by insurance (“What a fucking loser. Wanna companies is a breeze.” play him next with me?”). That’s all we got for now, folks. Work on your approaches this week and be JOAN JONES Girl Doctor sure to check back next time for more advice in “Just the Tip” with Zayin Gadol! If you have a particular question that “Why is the government continuyou’d like to be addressed in ally rewarding losers? Tell them “Just the Tip,” email it to opinto suck it up.” ions@themedium.net.
People on the Street: The Healthcare Issue
Call the rabbi! I’d like to say the shecheanu for the very first column of “Just the Tip” published in The Medium, two-time Forbes Best Campus Media Ever list winner. In this column, we’ll be discussing the subtle art of woman pickup-etry. “Raise yo’ hands in tha aya, if you’s a true playa’,” says the Notorious B.I.G., and after all, who doesn’t want to be a playa’? Approach is key. This week, we’ll be talking about approaches. A good approach is like a plane landing–do it right, and everything goes smoothly; fuck it up, and you’ll crash and burn faster than a crackhead shotgunning a Red Bull! First, you need to identify your target. This is the easy part, as the ability to pick a suitable girl from a crowd of drunken dudes is hardwired into every man’s brain. Did you know it takes only 1.35 seconds for the male visual hypo-cortex to scan a female and judge her on a scale of one to ten?* That’s some quick think-
ing! Once you’ve established a feasible vaginal goal, you need to continually monitor her every move without letting her know you are doing so. Use sneaky-peak eye glances and wait until she’s all by herself. You should use this valuable time to plan your opener. Just remember--don’t wait too long, and don’t think about it too hard! The last thing you want to do at this point is build anticipation and nervousness—that’ll lead to a drop in confidence, which will be your death knell. After a few minutes, it’s time to engage. If you are fairly attractive, a commonly accepted practice is to lean cockily against the bar with your blow-out hair cut, gleaming with axle grease, and simply beckon a girl over. This works about 63 percent of the time. For the rest of us, however, there are still plenty of options. A good way to capture the interest of a biddy is to strike up conversation
9/11: The Day We Forgot by Reverend Holyfuck As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, today is September 23rd, which means… the 11th has already happened. That’s right. We missed 9/11. You know what that means? Congratulations Facebook Generation! We’re officially significant! We’ve survived our first national tragedy and have lived long enough to no longer give a shit! No more flags on cars or infomercials selling useless crap stamped with the twin towers. No one fears boarding planes or people with tans. Kanye West has replaced 9/11 conspiracies on the Internet, and Bush has faded out of the public eye and is back in Texas- returning to his simpler life of shooting down
wetbacks and shocking tards. So why does this make us significant? Think about it. We’ve joined the ranks with the generations before us: WWI, WWII, the assassinations of JFK and MLK Jr., Pearl Harbor, Shakespeare in Love winning best picturehorrible, horrible tragedies, all
of them, but none happened during our generation’s time. 9/11 is a day we all somewhat, barely, kind of remember. We can now celebrate that day as a vague memory and absolutely nothing else. We’ve clocked in our time of caring, and now its time to reap in the benefits…no longer feeling guilty. Charities for 9/11 victims? Ha! It’s been eight years and that gravy train has ended. Stop crying about your dead loved one and get a job. Iraq? Doesn’t matter. 9/11 left the tagline and so did our attention span. And Bin Laden? Fuck it. We killed Saddam. Bada bing.
JOHN MCJONES Bootstraps Farmer
“Uh, what he said.”
JOHN A. JONES II Twin Brother of John Jones
“If Malcolm X was still alive today, he would argue that Medicaid was a secret plot by the ‘Man-type Person.’ I’ll stay with my $500 per month HMO, thank you.”
DJ JONESY
Professional Black Gang Member that is Black
Wednesday, September 23th, 2009
PERS-ANALS
“My left nut is about as big as her head, so teabagging her didn’t quite work out.”
To the gum chewing, bobble headed barbaric bitch in my history of Italy’s peoples class, stop “uh huhing” to everything the professor says. The man can’t even finish a thought and your already agreeing with him, next time hes gonna pull a curve ball and say something like “Italy is a country with a rich history...in fucking up the faces of rat-tailed cockbag ass kissing bitches in the front row”. No matter how many times you show him the back of your throat he will not let you give him a bj. However, ill let you give me a hummer in the back of class if it will shut you up. Voorhees 3 would like to thank the bitch brunette RA for constantly writing us up for noise complaints, even though were silent during all hours of the day. When we see you on your little fucking bike, we instantly think of the wicked witch of the west from The Wizard of Oz. You suck...go bother residents on your own floor. To the maintenance guys in Clothier the other morning: Were you fixing the bathroom door or taking down the Berlin Wall? I’m pretty sure the entire floor is now 20% deaf because of you. If the goal was to wake me up at 8 AM, maybe next time you can just take your hammer and hit me directly in the head. to the sloppy skanks of courtlandt, your listening to techno not emo music so theres no need to dance like your in a mosh pit To all you fucking cuntlicking hand-holding couples around campus: I Hate All Of YOU! I hope your love ends in misery & STDs...I miss my boyfriend... (We laughed for a good 5 minutes at this one. My guess is your relationship ended in misery and STDs, am I right?) My skin hurts just looking at those orange people. ::Peace sign and puckered lips:: The hardest part of adjusting to college is having to make a masturbating schedule around when your roommate comes and goes.
I just realized that I have a class with a prof. that sounds like Dr. Nick from the S i m p s o n s . To the bitch on my quad, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SKINNY ASS stop strutting around with that stupid bitch smile on your face like you’re the best looking girl in the whole fucking world. Your superiority complex annoys the shit out of me. Wear your asshat somewhere else. And to the other bitch, that I dunno where the fuck you live...I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID FACE Good day. To the guy/girl/tranny who send a personal in last week about two guys who can recite commercials “word for word,” Thank You. I have now been immortalized in this lack luster publication. Sorry about that I was being a loud asshole with those commercials. You must really be a pussy though to be afraid to tell us to shut up or be quiet. Grow a pair , if you’re afraid of Drew Carey and fatass’ you probably spend your time hiding in your room. (First of all, fuck you for calling this a “lack luster” publication. Second, being immoralized here generally isn’t a good thing...) To the girl in my math class: Shut the fuck up and let other people in the class answer a question when they asked for help you dumb bitch. It drives me insane to know that I have to breath the same air as you for the next 3 months. To all the Mexican mothers constantly crossing the street with their baby carriages at the most dangerous and inopportune moments. Have you no fucking concern for lives of your children!? The next time I see you crossing in front of me I won’t hit the brakes To the insane blonde whorebag who I always see at parties and asks me to make fun of her: here, are you happy now? Now close your god damn legs for once so I don’t have to smell the withering, rotting thing you call a twat
to the new SDT pledges, all of you are ugly skanks. a pledge told me you had to untag your party pictures because your a classy sorority..right...... (Dude, there’s no such thing as a “Classy sorority”. Either they’re hideous cows or filthy whores; either way, my dick goes no where near them for fear of AIDS.) to the fags of 2nd floor metzger, NO ONE will join the frat you created! your group consist of an ex-300 lbs nerd, an indian, a retarted looking kid, poor creepy twins, and an acne covered kid! so STOP posting statuses for people to contact you! (Are they from Sammy by any chance? Super fail if they are.) to the fat bitch across from me eyeing my sandwich in alexander library, no i am not going to give you half so stop staring! (Hey, fat bitches need lovin’ too, just not from me!) To whoever’s fucking idea it was to shove students into the piece of shit known as the Crowne Plaza. Fuck you for the shitty internet, resulting in the lack of quality porn or youtube videos, for having 6 god damn channels on the tv, for the shitty hotel busses, and for ruining my life in general. You should bend down right now and pay me the $1400 more that I had to spend to live in this shit hole to fuck you in the ass and then burn your house down. FUCK YOU! To the sluts who live directly below us: We are terribly sorry that our “rough and raunchy gay sex” has disturbed your hollowed out cunt of an existence. Next time one of my roommates asks me for a reach around i will be sure to think of you skanks and make sure i chain and gag him first. Next time you need a little quiet time for a little two knuckle shuffle all you need to do is ask. Until then you are carpet munching t w a t s . Where am I?
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE ALL THINKING... Where’s the other personals page? Well, long story short, some things had to be cut to make room for the Meet the Medium thing. But don’t throw a bitch fit, everything will be back to normal next week. If you didn’t see your submission here this week, To the ginger I danced with @ the AE Phi party last week, where the fuck are you? I miss you raunchyness and your outrageous moves. If your reading I miss you =D (Probably sucking someone else’s cock.) To the emt i saw at the Howard game last week in the student section with the blonde surfer hair. I want to do nasty shit to you things you’ve never fucking dreamed about. I’ll be in the same spot you helped that kid last week. You were so strong and compassionate. Come find me baby (Hopefully you’re hot for his sake.)
To the 30 year old dike ass bitch in the back of my police class. Do you have fucking downs sydrome? FAS maybe? Shut the fuck up!! Nobody wants to hear you fucking speak nobody gives a shit about what you think you know you ghetto ass mother fucker to the medium, first of all at the involvement fair, you said there would be free grilled cheese, which there was not, and even though i wrote my email down on the list there, I haven’t gotten any emails. You guys need to get your priorities in o r d e r . I AM SPANISH. Just cause I look white and don’t wear hoop earrings and crunch my hair everyday doesn’t mean I’m not Spanish. Dear everyone on the EE, F, REXL, REXB, and 8 million other buses this school has. STOP LOOKING SO FUCKING DEPRESSED. You are bringing my day down. (Did you ever consider (I don’t think you want to that they’re depressed know the answer to that.) because you’re there?)
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IL MEZZO
also, don’t whine. They’re first in line for next week. The rest of you, FUCKING SUBMIT PERSONALS TO PERSONALS@ THEMEDIUM.NET OR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL AAAAAAAAHH H H H H H ! ! !
Dear SamyBrothers, after realizing that the majority of your brotherhood was comprised of those of the hebrew faith, i was sent into a long period of self hatred and loathing. I emerged from this period having rejected my jewish faith and am now a member of the white supremacy movment. P.S. only girls wear w i n d b r e a k e r s . . . . . FA G G O T S ! To all asshole meat heads who do bicep curls in there sleep and bench 24/7. We get it, your a god among men. Now put on something else besides a fucken guinee tee and stop acting like your all that. No one cares how big your traps and tri’s are. Fuck you. I hope you guys all go no where in life. fuck you assholes to the dog poop that was on LX today. how did you get there? Did someone bring a dog on the bus, and than let it poop? Did this guy just bring poop on the bus and leave it there? So many questions are arising from these logs of poop. To the smelly looking hippy who rides around campus on the golden scooter in baggy cargo pants: you sir fucking fail at life. (Come on man, all hippes smell like shit and fail at life. That’s why they’re hippies! See also hipsters.) Don’t knock the applesauce out of the fridge, asshole. The Red Lion always smells like french fucking frites. It?s a lounge not a damn cafeteria! They act so pompous with their 700 dipping sauces. I don?t give a shit, all you need is one. KETCHUP. So stop smelling up the joint with your BULLSHIT. (That shit is MAD overpriced too.)
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
“Give up on all your hopes and dreams.”
From Swine to Divine: The Swine Flu Diet
What’s Shakin’?
9/22 @ College Ave - KING NEPTUNE NIGHT! This shit was yesterday. If you’re just hearing this for the first time, you missed the best night of dining hall food all year. 9/25 @ Busch Campus - DotA Tournament! If you’re not asian, you’re not allowed. Seriously. They can tell too, if you’re like, a halfie, or something. 9/30 @ Craig’s List - I’m selling my bike. It’s kinda nice, it folds up and is ultra-portable. I’m only looking for like $250 bucks or so. Or lots of dolls. - K.F. 10/1 @ NYC - Special showing of a homeless man’s balls. On the subway, all day long. He’ll be asleep, so just stare away. 10/2 @ Delta Phi - So awesome pong tourney, bro. We’re playing Eastern Dutch rules, no bounces, no rainbows, no REGRETS. 10/3 @ Delta Phi - Bro what happened? How did we lose?
The Swine Flu. We all have heard dozens of stupid jokes, precautions, and bonerjams about this stupid new strain of flu, that I just assume comes from bacon. Health services is coming out with the vaccine or whatever, and I’m sure all the freshmen will be rushing through the doors of Hurtado desperately grabbing for any needle they see, hoping to get one of the precious doses. Of course, the Swine Flu isn’t all bad. Sure it makes you throw up, and diarrhea all over the floor and whatever, but honestly, that’s a pretty good way to lose weight. I mean, it’s not bulimia or anything, because you can’t even control the throwing up, but you totally are gonna lose like 15 or 20 pounds in just a few days. The cynics of the readers will begin to say to By C-huck themselves “but Swine Flu is a disease, and not Staff Infection holding down your fluids is dangerous.” Fuck that, you know what else was dangerous? The fuckin’ American Revolution. We still did that shit though. And I’m pretty sure we stole all their land after that. All kidding and history lessons aside, the Swine Flu is actually cancelling out the Freshman 15 in record-numbers. If this trend keeps up, we could be looking at the best Freshmen class since the 1972 Monkey-Fever epidemic. Glory days indeed my friend. One can only hope that the Swine Flu keeps on truckin’, and we’ll be banging fly hunnies all year, bro.
Micro F-150 Presents: Fright
Fest ‘09