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RutgersMedium.com
September 23rd 2015
Volume XLX Issue II 50¢ BROWER? I WOUD RATHER STARVE
STUDENT STARVES, FRATERNITY BLOCKING BROWER STEPS TO BLAME BY VINNY PEPPERONI BADADA BOOPI
NEW BRUNSWICK—A Rutgers University student died of starvation on Monday after failing to enter the Brower Commons because of an obstructing table set up by the Beta Rho Omega fraternity on Brower Steps. The deceased student, Frankie Chizzato, 21, successfully pushed his way through the myriad of people posted up on the Brower steps that Monday evening. According to student witnesses, there were many individuals on the steps of Brower that day giving out promotional material, but Beta Rho Omega was causing the majority of the obstruction. Graduate student Mikey Gizzo was with Chizzato that fateful day. “I tried getting through the Brower steps but it was crazy crowded,” said Gizzo. “There were so many people there, it almost seemed like I was in a Syrian refugee camp or something. I had to turn back
TABLES WITHOUT FOOD Members of the BRO fraternity obstruct one of Brower's multiple entrances
after RUPA offered me popcorn because I couldn’t breathe anymore. But Frankie? He just kept on chugging along.” According to multiple students who were also stuck in the menagerie of student organizations on the Brower steps that afternoon, Chizzato was the only one to attempt to get through the crowd. When he was finally met with the table furnished by the Beta
DRIVEN INSANE
Rho Omega fraternity he found himself too weak to go on. “He just sorta slumped over,” said BPΩ brother Anthony Calamari. “We offered him a flier to come to our rush event where we smoke cigars on our front lawn and he just looked up at us told us to go fuck ourselves. Then he just sorta died.” According to multiple Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
RUPD creates fo o t b a l l t e a m liaison B e n A f fl e ck progresses J e n n i fe r s fo r Stephanies S o r o r i t y turns into brothel fo r fu n d r a i s i n g Jenga Club m e e t i n g ends in disasterous co l l a p s e
EXCLUSIVE: What I did on my summer vacation
FRANKIE SAYS RELAX
U. Approves Removal of Pope Decries Catholicism New SAC Traffic Light and Pledges Local Frat
BY CHAMP JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN
NEW BRUNSWICK—Rutgers University officials have approved a new plan to tear down the newly constructed
traffic light at the Student Activities Center. The light has increased traffic congestion on George Street by almost 350%, Continued on Page A7
NO SLEEP 'TIL RAPTURE The Pope passed through New Brunswick during his trip from New York City to Philadelphia, the last stop on his North American tour. Pope Francis, known to fill stadiums and disrupt traffic continued being a rockstar by partying with the locals. Late the other night, Francis was seen turnt up and shouting from a rooftop on Delafield Street, "Fuck celibacy! If I could bang dimepieces nightly, I'll gladly risk eternal damnation."
Fightin' the Power Since 1970
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NEWS
“I'll never call Bruce Jenner 'Caitlyn' when 'Jennerfer' is available.”
GOTTA LOVE HBO
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ISN'T IT IRONIC?
New Crime Fighting Equipment Stolen! BY WALTER CRONKITE, JR. EMMY NOMINEE
This space is intentionally left justified Or would that technically be more like this? What matters is that you're actually reading this and I'm just trying to fill space on this page. Nothing contained in this box is substantive. Really, just ignore it. What's worth saying? Certainly not: MEDIUM MEETING Monday 8pm @ RSC-439 Feel any better now? WOK BLOCKED
...continued from front
student accounts, once Chizzato died from starvation, fraternity members then proceeded to draw dicks on Chizzato’s face as they chanted “BITCH CAN’T HOLD HIS LIQUOR!” Unfortunately, the fraternity members used a permanent Sharpie to emblazon Chizzato’s face with dicks. The wake will now have a closed casket. “I think they were confused,” said that guy who is always handing out those communist, socialist, anarchist or whateverthey-are-supporting flyers. “I think they thought that he passed out from being drunk or something.” Friends and family of Chizzato are devastated. “As Nutrition major, Frankie knew that eatin’ was important,” said
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Wednesday, September 23RD, 2015
lifelong friend and fellow Italian Club member John Rizzo. “We grew up in South Jersey togetha’, I can’t believe he's gone. He was like a brotha’ from anotha’ motha’.” The Beta Rho Omega fraternity has stated that they are not liable for the death of Chizzato. “So what if our table was literally the span of Brower steps?” speculated a BPΩ fraternity member who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s not a huge deal, it’s not like no one has ever died at the hands of a fraternity at Rutgers before.” A vigil will be held for Chizzato this Thursday on the Brower Steps. The family has requested that instead of candles that mourners bring plates from Brower to be placed on those concrete block things that people sometimes do parkour on.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Henry Yeh Fratypus
NEW BRUNSWICK—After recently installing over $100,000 worth of video cameras and motion sensors throughout the off-campus housing areas on the College Avenue campus, RUPD reports most of it was stolen over the weekend. The equipment was installed to deter and combat future local criminal activity. Frantically reacting to the multiple arrests of Rutgers football players, the University and local police failed to realize they were leaving out in the open the highly valuable items. “Yeah man, I mean it was like Christmas in July or whatever,” said Darryl Marquez-Horowitz. “It was just all there for the taking. And now that it’s been fenced, I have all this money for the strip club. There gon’ be some titties in mah face!” Students and local residents are fearful and are smearing lambs’ blood around the doors of their houses, hoping reverting to ancient traditions will save them. The University is dumbfounded
and will likely relent and allow crime to continue. They explain that if they appropriate another fortune to hindering crime and illegal activities, recruiting for athletic programs will suffer. “With the 250-year anniversary celebration, we cannot be bothered with the actions of these thu—hooligans,” stated President Robert Barchi at a press conference. “This is just a distraction, and I won’t let this get in the way of turning up for the big celebration. Woop woop!” According to multiple sources, the stolen items have been peddled for used textbooks, condoms, crystal methamphetamine, and baby wipes. The police have reportedly given up their search for the perpetrators and will likely let the neighborhood of New Brunswick tear itself apart. But that crime alert guy, Brian Emmett, is having a field day and hopes this never stops. He was contacted for a statement, but offered only a maniacal laugh—nothing to look into there.
DUDE, YOUR BACKPACK IS OPEN Local rapscallion Robbert Croocker was photographed with securit equipment of questionable origin. He insists that he's holding onto it for a friend. I wish I had a friend as dependable as him.
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Hanbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Leonte Carroo
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to everyone who is still in the closet. May Gaypril give you strength!
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FEATURES
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
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“Putting the STD in STUD since last Tuesday”
RUPA STARTED THE FIRE
All 3 RUPA Homecoming Fire Deaths: RANKED BY DR TOSSED SALAD
Monday was the annual Homecoming / RUPA / Greek Week, which ended tragically when the fire got out of hand! Taking in the sweet air of Busch Campus feeding the flames of the freshly lit enferno! Quickly it rose to the skies and shot into the unexpecting crowd catching hold of three unaware students, ending their short lives. BUT, which life would have been most worth saving? We have them RANKED! 3. Kevin Wei: Coming in at number three is Kevin. Kevin was standing with his girlfriend Sarah when the fire sprang forward and caused his leg hair and fingers to catch fire. He burned slowly and painfully, but he was only a 3.30 GPA in Pharmacy, so lucky for you there are two people we will miss more! 2. Anderson Jetson: Number 2 is your boy Anderson. He was dancing to Silento, which was being played by a car passing by, when the breath of the Devil came flying through the air, attaching to the poor boy’s skin and turning him into a human roast. Goddamn. But you only had one class with Anderson, it was two semesters ago? Right? General Psych? He sat three seats down, but doesn’t compare to our #1 pick. 1. Monica Wells: Our number one life lost is the one and only Monica, who helped you get a B in Collective Bargaining last semester. You didn’t do any of the readings, didn’t watch any of the movies. But fuck, Monica helped you pull one out of your ass didn’t she? You will miss her every Wednesday afternoon from 6-8pm, but other than that you’ll be just fine.
DRUG SMUGS
Take Your Own Drug Test BY THE BUS KID
So that big ass job fair just happened and you being the responsible fuck, got some interviews. Now you’re gonna need to do some drug tests so here’s one your buds at The Medium put together for you so you can save your employers all that gross pee in a cup shit. Did you begin to find even that 3/10 fuckable now? Have you started to sing your own Karaoke version of Bohemian Rasphody without it even playing? Did you start to participate in the “RU” chant with the freshmen finally? Congratulations! You’re drunk! Has the human flesh suddenly begin to seem tasty? Are you beginning to hear your own heart beat which is actually just a kick drum powered by a tinier version of you that is actually just hiding in you? You’re on Bath Salts you crazy fuck! Do you finally begin to understand all the questions of the universe, including existence, realism, and the supernatural? Do you look like a wide-eyed gerbil staring off the into the distance with a stupid damn smirk on? Have cows started to walk on their hind legs and dance around you while you experience a peaceful bliss? Yay! You finally got around to taking LSD! Are things finally slowing down at a pace you can take it? Do your eyelids feel heavier and heavier as you slip away from the rest of the world? Has even breathing begun to feel strenuous now? Well you’re on Valn—shit wake up jabronie, don’t fall asleep on me now. Are you really hungry that you stole your roommate’s Pringles and started putting honey mustard on them? Did you once again manage to make the dorm smell like a cross between skunk spray and piss? Can you not stop telling people that you’re 420-friendly and act like you’re in some special club cause you get high? Wow, you’re using Marijuana, and no one cares. So either quit pussying around and stinking the place up or grow a pair and take some Cocaine.
GET BETTER FRATYPUS
Little Known Frat Disorders BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS
The brave RUPD put out the fire that was so fucking lit it killed 3 random students
DID I OFFEND YOU?? DID I DO A SHITTY JOB?? FUCKING TELL ME AND COME KICK MY ASS AT ONE OF OUR MEETINGS (EXCEPT NOT THIS WEEK WE’VE GOT A BED RACE TO WIN BITCHES) BUT SEND IN CONTENT TO MAKE THIS PAGE A LITTLE LESS SHITTY AND GIVE ME A REASON TO ACTUALLY GO TO SLEEP ON TIME ON A MONDAY DON’T YOU ASSHOLES CARE ABOUT MY EDUCATION FUCK YOU GUYS
Swole Anxiety Disorder – Responding to one’s own lack of sufficient gains with feelings of fear and panic that the $120 whey protein may not be working. Post Thursday Smashed Disorder – Chronic inability to go out to bars on a Friday night because that total pussy got too hungover. Ornithia Nervosa – Fearful tendency that one’s buffalo wings need increasingly more sriracha. Antisocial Benching Disorder – Having little concern for others waiting to get their lifting in after you on the bench. I mean, c’mon bro! Syphophrenia – Grandeur belief that no woman will have sex with you because they think they aren’t good enough for you, when in reality, it’s because you are obviously infected with syphilis.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
“There are 5,425,000 FUCKING Jews in this country, Ann.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you think of Rahway State Prison? “Its ok. The cafeteria serves Jello on Wednesday.” #22 Ruhann Peele Defensive Back SAS Criminal Justice
“We learned about it in my Prisons & Prisoners class. Very different on the inside.” #39 Razohnn Gross Fullback SAS Criminal Justice “Fuck this shit, Coach Flood’s gonna send an email and I’m outta here!” #27 Delon Stephenson Defensive Back SAS Criminal Justice
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Stop the War on Christians!
BY SILAS E. SOUTHLANDER There is a damn unholy problem here in the great Southern state of Oklabama, the Pride of the South, and that is the Fed’s unrelenting war on Christians! First, The Gays come in and commit their sodomy on God’s Land, next they’re trying to force it down our throats! The Homosexual Agenda is trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage, and The Negro in Washington isn’t making it better! I will not stand to see this great Christian Nation fall to The Great Unholy Sin. Brother Cletus, grab the 20 gauge! We need to Make America Great Again! Trump 2016!
Stop the War on Christians!
BY MUSA ABRAAM Lord Jesus, born of the Virgin Mary, have mercy on your children the Christians in the land of Syria! The unholy soldiers of Satan advance, they are stealing our land! Murdering our men, raping our women, enslaving our children! They burn our farms, destroy our churches and behead all who stand in their way! In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I call upon thee in this time of distress; do not allow the Land of Syria to fall by the hand of evil! Lord save us from ISIS!
Ay fam, the Medium needs yo black ass to come write for us. Come hustle with us in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center, Monday Nights at 8PM.
MAMMARY COMMENTARY
The Rutgers Snapchat is Making Me Sad
BY MORTIMER SMITH III Losing Rutgers Snapyak was enough of a blow, but this new Rutgers Snapchat Story is a slap in the face. I’m already annoyed enough that the coddled freshman in the Honors College have their own filter, but this PG-13 nonsense is killing me inside. I need to see boobs! I lived for those 18 seconds of sex every day. I used to hit up those guys who posted pictures of Adderall with their number. Going through this flowery Snap Story is destroying my soul. I hate it. I contemplated deleting Snapchat! That’s like throwing out my phone out! And who wants to live without a phone! I basically contemplated suicide! I used to sit down in the back of class, make sure my sound was off, open Snapchat and watch some girl get fucked from behind. Now all I see is the same thing over and over again—oh it’s hot out, damn the buses are crowded, look it’s something stupid nobody cares about. Bring back the boobs! Fucking Ramapo still has their titty Snapchat because people don’t snitch. And who the fuck is reporting these accounts? Why would you do that!? This situation is bad, and it’s making me depressed. You know what, I’m just going to make my own Rutgers boobs account. You’re welcome.
FROSH POLL
Do You Like Your Roommate? 我当然不喜欢我的室友。他是最酷 的。我还没有找到浴室虽然！
Chun-Hien “Kevin” Wei Andy’s Roommate
“OH MY GOD WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SHIT EVERYWHERE? IT’S EVEN ON THE CEILING!”
Andy Roxwell Kevin’s Roommate
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
Fuck Tha Targum! REDACTED
Supporting Free Speech at Rutgers
BY DR. AL GOLDBAGEL, J.D. Ph.D An article was recently published questioning the status of our students’ First Amendment rights. As a Constitutional Law professor at Rutgers Camden for 28 years, I must make it extremely clear that free speech is alive and well at Rutgers. The idea that Rutgers lacks “free speech” was taken extremely out of context. The Bias Prevention and Education Committee simple means to say [ REDACTED . ], and that [ REDACTED .] It by no means implies that students are unable to express themselves, but rather that [ REDACTED . ]. To further illustrate this, lets examine the Condoleeza Rice fiasco from 2014. Many opponents of her speaking claimed that [ REDACTED ], whereas in fact [ REDACTED ] . In regards to President Barchi’s silence on the matter, [REDACTED ] and [ REDACTED ] are the only reasonable explanations. It goes without saying that [ REDACTED . ] and [REDACTED ] when compared with NJIT [ REDACTED ] Facebook [REDACTED . ] the Republican Party [REDACTED ] and especially KY Jelly [ REDACTED Leonte Carroo [ REDACTED . ], as well as Fox News [REDACTED ] Freshman Girls [ REDACTED . ] large amounts of cocaine [ REDACTED ], [ REDACTED ], and with Rosh Hashana having just passed, [ REDACTED ] Snape killed Dumbledore [ REDACTED ] obviously. I don’t really think there’s much else to be said on the matter.
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“Please put on a shirt, your nipple hair is starting to get really gross”
“IDENTIFICATION PLEASE” BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS
“AVALANCHE” BY BROKEN COMPUTER GUY
“DONALD TRUNK” BY GOLDIE LOCKS
JOIN THE MEDIUM! MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 8PM LOCATION? CHECK OUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE FACEBOOK.COM/RUTGERSMEDIUM AND SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. I WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT. “THE WEEKLY DICK” BY PAULIE VALENTINE
“BROALA” BY SAWYER
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PERSONALS
the Medium
“I only do this because Im too lazy to be a hooker.”
Shit People Say I converted to the dark I saw a hyperbolic paraboloid in my textbook and side and got a mac. (You fucking Apple whore. now I want pringles.
I say this as I’m typing on (Not gonna lie I had to a mac.) google “hyperbolic paraboloid.”) I am convinced my roommates do not have the Am I the only guy in the Building ability to smell cause my Engineering apartment smells like without a shirt with the shit every time I come NASA logo? back from home. (Probably.) (Fight fire with fire. Come up with your own pungent I’m a Junior and stuck in smell and show them how it a lecture hall filled with feels.) dumb ass fucking freshWhy can’t my roommate man who don’t even ever go to his girlfriend’s know how to use an iclicker. Fuck this. Fuck place to have sex? you Barchi.” (He gets off on knowing that other people can hear (My question is why the how much of a ‘man’ he is.) fuck are you even attending the class? Just ask one of ((My doctor told me I have the dumb ass freshmen for their notes.) Alzheimer’s.)
Thing I wasted my time on this week:
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
themedium.personals@gmail.com
SECRETS
There’s a special place in hell for professors who assign semester long group projects. (There’s special place in hell for professors who assign group projects period.)
SEND ME FUCKING PERSONALS.
American Horror Story: Rutgers University.
OR CONFESSIONALS.
(Get on that shit now Ryan Murphy. You have tons of content.)
THE POPE IS HERE AFTER ALL.
(Tell me about it. But it’s a good way to keep entitled frat boys away from you because they get too intimidated and end up pissing their pants. So, yay for resting bitch faces!
WHATEVER
Life’s tough when you have a resting bitchface.
It’s only the fourth week I was in AC last weekend of school and yet I feel and ran into Ray Rice in like I’ve been here for an elevator. He was realfour months. This must ly polite; he only slapped be what hell feels like.” me twice and I didn’t (This is exactly what hell even lose consciousness. feels like. Welcome.) (Did he at least have the (My doctor told me I have courtesy to cover the security camera this time?) Alzheimer’s.) Being an English major basically means sleeping until noon every day, using big words for the sole purpose of sounding pretentious, and writing bull shit papers in which you discuss your profound understanding of Hamlet’s soliloquy.” (Where is the fucking lie though?) Barchi? More like BAEchi, you know what I’m saying?
I’ve vowed not to go home until Thanksgiving as a gift to my family.
(I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or feel bad for you. But I think I’ll just laugh at you and then feel bad about it later.) Shout out to my roommate for stealing shit from the dining hall. Thanks to you, I now have a full dining set.” (Roommate, you are the real MVP. Btw, I need more silverware, mind grabbing some for me next time?)
(Say that again and I will find you and punch you in the “fae.”)
(My doctor told me I have Alzheimer’s.)
(Please help I have no idea what else to say.)
(Fucking Landen. I spelled it right this time!!!)
Come to our meeting on Monday in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 439! Do it. Especially if you are a woman. No seriously, please, we need more women here. My brain and patience cannot handle all this testosterone much longer.
Every morning, I look out my window to see a large, hairy man in the opposing building changing. It’s a very sobering event; makes me feel human. (I’m thinking you just stole this from “Friends”) Guy in Alexander Library: for the love of God, stop clicking your pen. (Maybe it helps him concentrate? Don’t be that inconsiderate douche.) Now that rush season is over, my fraternity has more dicks to swing around.
(Gee, yet another exciting reason to join a frat.) To the thirsty white guy on the H bus shamelessly flirting with the naïve Indian freshman girl: simmer down, your excitement is a little too close to my face. (Indian freshman if you’re reading this, you’ve made it. But watch out for thirsty white guys.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
“Wubba lubba dub-dub!”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
SHIT IS GOING DOWN FO’ REAL ...Mascot Mania
continued from Sports
for going off topic. Following the President’s conference, the Scarlet Knight Scheduled a conference of his own. “I know my actions were wrong! Sometimes as a fan, or fanatic, you get carried away in the game and lose sight of the line between football and reality. I only did what I did because I love this school, and I love this job! Remember- I BLEED RED! From now on I will be sober, and smarter, when wearing this uniform. But that doesn’t mean those NITTANY PUSSIES AREN’T PERVERTED SHITSTAINS!” A pumped up audience embraced the hero as he posed for pictures again, free of charge.
WINE AND LIFESTYLE MOTHERFUCKER BY TYRONE MARKOWITZ
We’re back! I know you all missed the wine and lifestyle section, but this one goes out to the freshmen that haven’t experienced this yet. For all the young bucks out there that are looking to woo the ladies, take them to a fancy dinner at the Qdoba. It’s a lovely atmosphere, right under the astonishing Livingston apartments and next to the inspiring Kilmer Market. And the free guacamole…oh the free guacamole! The young freshman men can distract their dates from Qdoba’s inferiority to Chipotle by explaining how you getting into the business school will rocket into getting that unpaid internship. By now your date will be wetter than post-Katrina New Orleans, so head over to a vending machine, buy a couple of condoms, and knock on the door to make sure your roommate isn’t there and go to town. And there you have it kids. See you next time. Love, A7
the Medium
TRAFFIC TRAFFIC LOOKING FOR MY CHAPSTICK ...THAT DAMN LIGHT
continued from Sports
which Rutgers’ planning committee has deemed completely unacceptable. “The increase in traffic congestion isn’t what we planned on at all,” said Rutgers University planning official Bernie Williams, “a 350 percent increase is way too small. The flow of traffic on George Street is much too fast, so we’re looking at taking the light down and putting in a newer, much more complicated system of lights to slow traffic down from a crawl to essentially a standstill.” Williams revealed that the new unit will be as absurd as humanly possible. The system will have a total of fifteen different lights. A minimum of six of the lights will be on at all times, but which particular lights are on at any given time will be completely random. “We even made one of the lights blue to ensure that nobody knows what the fuck the signal means. It’s brilliant. You can’t even turn there and we just threw in four or five arrow signals for shits and giggles. It’s going to be great.” The Rutgers University Department of Transportation is also loving the new plans for slowing down traffic. Although RUDOTS has declined to comment, it’s widely understood that they love making the busses as inconvenient, insufficient, and inefficient as possible. However, the students have suffered from the addition of the current light, and one Civil Engineering student is protesting the new light. “It takes me 50 minutes to get from Scott Hall to Livingston. Whatever dipshit designed it didn’t even include a timer, so sometimes these asshole kids just sit there and push the button just to watch the traffic stop,” says Civil Engineering student Robert Paterson. “I study traffic lights all day, and this thing is a fucking abomination. If they make it worse, I might as well just not go to class on Livingston at all.” Well Robert, your 4:00 commute to Livingston is about to get a lot shittier.
STUDENT POLL: WHO WILL WIN THE NBA FINALS
UPCOMING MARVEL MOVIE
Dear valued readers, We cherish you. We love you. I love you more than your parents. That means you should totally join this fucking club. Or I will club you! We are fun! Come to our meetings! Monday and Wednesday on College Ave! I know you read this. I know where you live. I will find you. Just fucking come. Alright see you soon. Toodles!
september 23rd, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com IF YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE RULES, CHANGE YOUR GODDAMN EMAIL
JULIE HERMANN CAUGHT UP IN SCANDAL AFTER INAPPROPRIATE EMAIL TO NCAA
"IT WAS WORTH A SHOT?" A snapshot of Hermann at her press conference immediately following news of her email. Hermann believes she did nothing wrong and that "Athletic directors knowingly break the rules all the time."
change it. This sad truth did not PISCATAWAY — Many discourage Rutgers Athletic professors point out that “your Director Julie Hermann. After a grade is your grade” and that humbling 28-3 loss at Penn State pleas for extra credit usually will last Saturday, Hermann took not help improve one’s grade. matters into her own hands, The same logic can be extended emailing NCAA Vice President to sports games, where the score Mark Johnson the following: remains the score and nothing “Hi Mark. Julie here. I can be done in hindsight to hope your fall is going well. BY SHREG GIANO
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: KANSAS vs. RUTGERS
I’m forwarding you a letter I had Chris Laviano draft. In it, he explains how he was a little nervous playing in front of such a big crowd Saturday night and how he firmly believes he doesn’t suck quite as badly as he demonstrated. I fully support the score of 28-3 you assigned Penn State over Rutgers Saturday. But, if there is anything that our team can do to improve that score a little bit, I’m not opposed to doing it. I mean it." Mark Johnson responded by asking “What on God’s Green Earth are you fucking talking about? We don’t assign scores; teams play the game and earn certain scores.” Hermann proceeded to ask for an in person meeting to clarify. “Can we meet in person to discuss this?” she asked in a follow-up email. “I’ll wear Penn State stuff so no one suspects I’m doing anything wrong. It’s fucking foolproof. Trust me.” NCAA President Charles Henderson later dismissed
Hermann’s “pathetic attempt” to get a score changed postgame, adding that “never has such a ludicrous request been made in all my years working at the NCAA.” Rutgers president Robert Barchi sent an email detailing the investigation to the Rutgers community. In it, he added his own commentary, condemning Hermann’s actions and pointing out that ignorance is no excuse to break the rules. “Here at Rutgers, rules are in place for a reason, and it is my job to maintain their integrity. Athletic staff members are expressly forbidden from embarrassing themselves and the university. No, I’m serious; the rule Julie broke is that she made us look like a bunch of fucking noobs when we told her not to. I mean, come on Julie. We’re the laughingstock of the Big Ten right now and you had to also make us out as beggars? Fuck that noise. You trippin’, bitch.”
Scarlet Knight Mascot Goes Off the Rails After Defeat BY JC
-Shout "BOOH!" in Chris Laviano's ear so he chucks the ball into coverage. It's a nervous tic apparently.
-Take offensive game plan from Saturday. Douse in gasoline. Drop match. Repeat until dramatic effect is sufficient.
-Join the Big Ten. Rutgers is 3-6 against Big ten teams since joining and it ain't gonna get better anytime soon.
-Have Kyle flood email the district attorney and ask if anything can be arranged to change the status of the arrested players.
-Be Rutgers' homecoming opponent. We all know how that usually turns out for Rutgers. -Celebrate responsibly when you find out you are indeed the homecoming opponent.
-Immediately execute any fans still choosing to yell"Fuck Penn State" after Saturday's brutal loss. -I'm joking about that last one. Don't do it and get more arrests.
PISCATAWAY— The Rutgers Scarlet Knight mascot isn’t over latest slate of Rutgers losses and he is lashing out as a result. Recent reports say that the depressed mascot has been carousing around campus, indecently exposed, screaming profanity and obscenities about Penn State and Rutgers Football’s upcoming opponent, the Kansas Jayhawks. "Fuckin' perverts!" the intoxicated mascot screamed. "And what in the fuck is a Jayhawk? Fuckin' stupid birds." Things got really bad when the mascot got too drunk on a thirsty Thursday at Olde Queens Tavern. According to doctors he was highly intoxicated and had signs of MDMA and cocaine in his bloodstream. After suffering from a heat stroke in the tavern’s sardine-like environment he
collapsed on that chick that is always at Queens. He spent the night in jail, sharing the cell with the five former Rutgers football players and their defense. Robert Barchi, president of Rutgers, had this to say: “First off, I’d like to commend the RUPD for their astounding dedication to this manhunt that I totally called for. Next off, I’d like to apologize to Penn State and to Kansas for the reprehensible actions of our mascot. This behavior does not represent the opinions of the average Rutgers fan, or the fan base as a whole. Actually, it does. But most folks are decent enough not to yell it in public." The president then spoke of how he builds way better clocks than Ahmed Mohamed before he was escorted off the podium Continued on Page A7
covering sports beside Football SINCE eventually