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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLVI Issue II
50¢
SEPTEMBER 25th, 2013
YOU HAVE MY SWORD
LEGRAND THE HERO RUTGERS DESERVES; THE ONE IT NEEDS RIGHT NOW BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ-- New Brunswick legend Eric LeGrand officially hung up his football jersey last weekend and will now don his hero cape for good. Number 52 was spotted earlier in the week using his new mech suit to rescue a family of kittens from a precariously tall oak tree. Wielding his scarlet blade, LeGrand has raised spirits and community standards all over campus. The Rutgers Police Department’s own Kenneth Cop lauds LeGrand’s crime fighting efforts and attributes recent drops in violent incidents to the former football star. “People feel a lot better with Eric on campus,” he said. “Not only does he serve as a role model to all, but his giant robot body and sword also help this city too.” When he’s not helping prune Rutgers gardens or escorting the elderly across the street, LeGrand has been seen deal-
OUR GREATEST HERO Speculation exists that Stan the LX Driver will be LeGrand's sidekick.
ing justice to the hoodlums and iron fist in the face of those who thugs trolling New Brunswick want to do us wrong,” said Rutstreets. “He’s a shining star for gers football coach Kyle Flood. our students and alumni, and an Continued on Page 2
CHEWBACCA IMMUNITY
U. Outraged at RUPA’s "Free OJ" Event BY DR. TOSSED SALAD PERSONALS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK-- Students across each campus quickly concentrated together Tuesday morning, after hearing about RUPA’s morally questionable “Free OJ” event. Protests on each campus began soon after RUPA set up their tables at 8:00am. “I just can’t believe there are people who want him out of jail,” Joshua Williams told The Medium on site at the Livingston Student Center protest, before asking to remain anonymous. “Like I get it that he was acquitted from the murder trial, but they finally got him in jail for something and now RUPA wants to get him out, the glove just doesn’t fit with this one.” RUPA had been promoting the event for the last week, saying that they had a “sun fresh” and “100 percent natural” surprise for everyone Tuesday morning
PROTESTERS UNITE AGAINST RUPA'S INTENTIONS Students speak out against the release of the convicted fellon OJ Simpson. Rutgers University Programming Association reconsiders their "Free OJ" events.
on all campuses, before releasing late Monday night that they would be having their Free OJ event to start off the morning with a bang, saying, “We want to keep everyone safe this week, so we will be getting OJ to everyone on campus.” Megan Edwards, who was fortified with calcium, told
The Medium, “I didn’t get why they thought OJ Simpson would keep us safe, just didn’t make sense so we had to act, we had to protest this bullshit.” RUPA’s explanation, which we do not believe, was that they wanted this to be an event like their famous Continued on Page 2
Written with Love, Printed with Absinthe SInce 1970
QUICKIES
Obama Disturbed on Learning that Each President before him Masturbated in the Oval Office Kinghts Celebrate Comeback Victory over Inbreed Hicks Retired K-9 Unit Dog Has Seen and Smelled a lot of Shit Pastafarian Society Getting all the Booty this Semester Downtrodden Business School Student Gives up on Managerial Accounting Giant Paper Clip Jealous of New Statue Rutgers Partners with Plantation to Light Up Tobacco Dependence Program Slutgers Appropiately Ranked 69 by U.S. News Study Finds Butterflies are the Rapists of the Animal Kingdom Curious Pothead, Overzealous RA Converge on Nest of Displeased Skunks
the Medium
NEWS
“I don't think we should be making any enemies. But I would make you my end-of-me!"
CHILD'S PLAY
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
I'VE GOT CHEATS
Giants To Capitalize on Eli's Post GTA V Release Shows Athleticism and "Intelligence" Increase in Violent Crimes BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON STAFF WRITER
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ-Citing the success of other teams and the Giants’ struggles in the first three games, Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride announced on Monday that the Giants will switch to a read-option offense (An offensive strategy allowing the quarterback the option to keep the football and run it or hand it off to his running back). An unshaven Gilbride took the podium after practice with what appeared to be a flask in his left hand. “With an athlete like Eli [Manning] at quarterback, this switch is a no-brainer. I don't know why we didn't think of it sooner!” he said at the press conference. “As long as David Wilson learns to not fumble on every other play, this could be the most explosive offense in NFL history.” When Manning himself heard the news, he was a bit confused. “Read option? Mama told me I wasn't smart enough to read, so I don't think I'm allowed to.” When the reporter explained the nature of the readoption, he became even more confused. “How can a quarter-
EVENT
...continued from front
hot apple cider and donut events they have during the year. “It is starting to get colder out, so we thought we would give everyone some orange juice to keep everyone healthy; to keep everyone from catching a cold you know,” explained RUPA spokesmen Peter Michaels. “That’s what they say they wanted, but when you hear OJ, who fucking thinks of orange juice first? With this mob behind me we will beat RUPA to a pulp!” shrieked Edwards even though no one was listening to her. RUPA is removing any connection they have with oranges, the color orange, and the prisoners they keep in contact with across the country from fresh ideas. At press time, RUPA has said that they do not believe that they will return this event for a second try.
Editorial Staff Fall 2013
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR
back run the ball if he is supposed to pass it?” he asked with a puzzled look on his face. “If two people have the ball at once are they now one player? Does that mean I'm David Wilson and he is me? If I don't get to be myself can I at least be Peyton?” When Chiefs head coach Andy Reid was told about the announcement, he appeared to be trying to fight off a smile. “Eli is one hell of an (snort), sorry, ha, uh Eli is just a great athlete and all. We're really worried about his ability to take it the distance on any given play.” After the press conference, Reid was seen crying from laughter as he gave the entire Chiefs defense the week off before their upcoming game against the Giants. Head coach Tom Coughlin was unavailable for comment after Gilbride's announcement. Sources reported that Coughlin was last seen being rushed to the hospital after suffering from cardiac-arrest. LEGRAND ...continued from front
“God bless Eric LeGrand.” It is only fitting that Rutgers’ greatest inspiration is the now its greatest protector. He is the hero this University deserves, and the one it needs. He is LeMan, LeMyth, and LeLegend. He is Eric LeGrand.
DoN't LiKe HoW tHiS iS wRiTtEn? Go To OuR mEeTiNg At RoOm 120b aT tHe BcC aT 8pM eVeRy WeDnEsDaY. tEaCh Me HoW tO uSe This CoMpUtEr, PlEaSe!
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Stewart Hallman Devin Baker
Yagnesh Patel Rob the Sun God
WEST COAST?-- Across the nation, violence in our cities and schools have seen a steep rise following the September 17th release of the highly anticipated video game Grand Theft Auto V. Gaming enthusiasts and fans alike collectively left the comfort of their parents' basements to purchase this game at their local retailer and, shortly after playing through its campaign and multiplayer, feel victim to the game’s glamorization of the criminal lifestyle. Almost overnight, the gamer demographic, once docile and content with staring at bright screens in dimly-lit rooms, became unreasonably violent and began a nation-wide crime spree of armed robbery, murder, and running over grandmothers while driving stolen sports cars. Criminologist Dennis Altman told reporters about the effects that violent video games can have on the minds of gamers. “Video game violence can not only desensitize gamers to violence but also teach them to enjoy it. Eventually, the mere pressing of buttons on a plastic controller can lead these gamers
to become highly trained killers and criminals.” Altman added that the police will have an extremely difficult time apprehending these criminals because of the tendency of the police to completely forget the name and appearance of perpetrator they are pursuing after he has hidden in an alleyway for about three minutes. While gang violence and car theft are among the most frequent crimes committed, there have been a peculiarly large number of accidental suicides among the criminals that are closely linked to plane and helicopter hijacking. Reports of these incidents all claim that once a criminal commandeered a helicopter or small aircraft, he flung himself from the cockpit after claiming he was looking for the “UFO easter egg.” There were no survivors or discoveries of alien spacecraft. While the police have been rendered ineffectual in preventing these crimes thus far, the Los Angeles Police Department claims that using small trees planted in the middle of the street creates at highly effective road block for all automobile-related crimes.
Association of Sodomy Supporters (A.S.S) Sponsors Local Mud Run
"WE ARE ALL ABOUT GIVING BACK WHATEVER WE GET" The once quite organization surprised the community with their charity towards the Middlesex Mud Run to benefit victims of hemorrhoids.
News Editors Mike D'Anella-Mercanti Michael Lazaropoulos Features Editor Leif Tornberg Opinions Editor Eli Youseff Arts Editor Lisa Mathews Personals Editors Adam Romatowski Justin Lesko
Back Page Editor Sasha Romayev Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Sasha Romayev Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche John Eberhardt
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Eric LeGrand. A true Rutgers hero and a true Scarlet Knight. Wow, this is more comtemplative than we're used to. Okay, for comedy, here are some new cuss words I made up: bureaucunt, hooker shit, urethra tramp. Happy now?
Wednesday, September 25st, 2013
FEATURES
the Medium
“We talkin’ sherts?”
OMGLISTSWTF
You’re Outdated if.....
BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN SHUT UP I’M COOL
1. You listen to Gangnam Style 2. You roller skate 3. You wear belly shirts
4. You tye your sweatshirt around your neck 5. You wear fanny packs 6. You still have a Myspace 7. You pay for porn 8. You listen to Nickelback 9. You own a Lisa Frank folder 10. You use a roller deck
PLEASE SEND ME COOL STUFF!!!!!! THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM BATHROOM ART
I NEED YOU
NUMBERS BITCH 2 3,571,983
People minimum to have sex
The amount of people playing GTA 5
36 The amount of people your girlfriend has blown
0
Fucks given about making these numbers
JOKE FOR YOU ASSHOLE - Why did the gay guy get fired from his job at the sperm bank? - Because he was drinking on the job.
A GRAPH, DICK
UGLY THING OF WEEK
CUTE THING OF WEEK
t
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
“I just wrote something good in Comic Sans. I’m going to go kill myself now.”
Stay In School, You Ungrateful Punks
UNIVERSITY VOICES
BY MARK ZUCKERBERG Hey, I’m Mark Zuckerburg, and I’m a fucking genius. You know what you guys aren’t? Fucking geniuses. Do you think anyone can just drop out of school with a good idea and became a millionaire? I had a fucking movie made about me. You won’t have people even know your name. You’re not Bill Gates. You’re not Steve Jobs. You’re just a punk-ass kid who think’s he’s hot shit, but hot shit ain’t something people are looking for. All that waits outside of your classroom walls is just a world of tears and sadness. Have you seen the internet? Your ideas are shit, and everyone will think your ideas are shit, and you won’t get any respite from their crap. Look at me. I have the most popular social network in the world, and if I wanna move a button from one side of the screen to the other, I get literally the entire population of the world all over my ass. Do yourself a favor. Stay in school, get a real education. I think you’re on the path for great things with your state-school education, but if you think you’ll be able to do anything without a degree, you’re kidding yourself. I built this shit through sheer grit and my sexy mind. You probably have trouble tying your shoelaces and unless you stay in school, you’ll never learn how. Hell, sometimes I even wish I stayed in school... Nah, I’m just messing with you. I’m so goddamn rich that I can tell punk ass college students that they won’t amount to anything, and I couldn’t care less about what you people do with your lives. Go ahead, drop out, go start an etsy or something. I’m sure your knitting projects will be a real hit and make you a pop culture icon like I. Also don’t forget to complain about how much your life sucks on my website.
ADVICE
Ask Someone Who Has Been Playing Grand Theft Auto V For The Past Week And A Half. Dear guy who’s been playing GTA V for way too long, I keep finding myself procrastinating constantly and I’m unable to stay focused on my course work. I’m worried that I’m falling too far behind and that I will end up failing. I’m so desperate I’ve started taking a concoction of Ritalin, cocaine and espresso but it seems that nothing is working. What should I do to stay focused and stay on track with my work? -Lagging hard Dear Lagging Hard, Whu? Huh? Oh, fuck, wait, hold on, I’m one car away from completing my collection and I just can’t fucking find it anywhere. Wait, holy shit, is that it? Aw, shit, yeah, I’ve been looking for this thing for the last 3 hours and now it fucking spawns. Sweet. Ok, now, uh, what was the question? Procrastination? I don’t know anything about that. I’ve never shirked my responsibilities. Oh, uh, by the way, what day is it?
COME TO THE MEDIUM! WE MEET AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER AT 8:00 IN ROOM 120B. I SWEAR WE’RE LEGITIMATE. HAVE SOMETHING YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT? LIKE MAKING INANIMATE OBJECTS HAVE FEELINGS? SUBMIT YOUR IDEAS TO THE OPINIONS AT: THEMEDIUM.OPINIONS@GMAIL.COM
“Why Did Your Father Send You To Old Rutgers?” “So I could become a man.” Tina Roselle, SAS Freshman
“Because I don’t believe in gender neutrality.” Ed Reep, Greatly Missed
“Because they had the best Animal Husbandry program in the country.” Zeke Miller, Likes Animals
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Don’t Know If My Vote Registered. I Better Keep Clicking
BY TUCKER MARKSTROM
Okay I was told these iClicker points are important right. Like they are 10% of my grade, that’s a lot of points! They are all multiple choice, how hard can they be? Okay here we go first question. Okay I know this one. Ahh shit why did the little light just blink red? Why didn’t my vote register? Oh, voting didn’t start yet; okay hopefully no one saw that. Okay it’s open now here I go. Wait how do I know it really registered? Like the light could be green but how do you really know it registered? Oh god I bet it didn’t, I better click it again. Green again, but shit if it didn’t register the first time, maybe it didn’t the second time. I’ll just keep clicking until the time is up, chances are one of my votes will register right? I’m so done with this shit anymore, don’t fucking do this. NO, STOP, LORD NO.
Tucker, seriously, stop. You’re pushing my buttons. BY iCLICKER
First class of the year and I’m, I mean we are ready to kill it. Hey wait a second, Tucker you just turned me on, the professor didn’t start the time yet. I get it; people get a little excited with their first click. Understandable; don’t let it happen again. Alright time has started, here you go. Go get ‘em. Nice you got it right! Time for a well-deserved break. Hey hey what do you think you’re doing? Clicking twice? Fine, you like seeing the green light, I admit, it is cool. Woah woah woah Tucker, three times, you’re gonna be one of them aren’t you? You’re going to look like a loser Tucker if you keep clicking me like that. And it really hurts me; you think it’s easy to make that green light go on, it’s only supposed to be a couple times a class. Ahh shit just stop it Tucker, please someone make him stop! Oh fuck you Tucker, I’ll make sure none of these register.
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
ARTS
“So enough about her, let’s talk about me.”
USELESS SUPERPOWERS: SILENT FARTS
the Medium
TINY FROG IS TINY
JUDGING GERENUK JUDGES YOU
EDITOR CONTENDERS
MURDA BUSINESS SCHOOL ADMINSTRATION
Okay guys, how can we increase revenue this year?
I know! Make everyone get new clickers!
THIS PERSON IS AWESOME FOR SUBMITTING. THE REST OF YOU SUCK. RE-FILL YOUR SPECIAL METER BY COMING TO OUR MEETING TODAY AT BCC 120B. JELLO SHOTS FOR EVERYONE. BRING YOUR ARTY SHIT OR SUBMIT IT TO: THEMEDIUM. ARTS@GMAIL. COM
the Medium
PERSONALS
HORSING AROUND
FEDORAS!
DOUGLASSHOLES
To the fucking bastard in Stats who asked to go to the bathroom at the same time as me. The only reason you got chosen was because you lick the T.A’s clit on the side so you can get that half a grade gradeboost. I hope your next brower meal is filled with horse laxatives you asshole
To the guy wearing the fedora in the Busch dining hall. IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK! fedora are worn as a joke! You’re not Matt bomer you can’t pull it off!
Dear Douglass girls, we get it. You have vaginas. Now shut the fuck up.
(Fact: Every Brower meal is full of horse laxatives. The third Tuesday and Thursday of every month have horse sperm as well so plan accordingly!)
BUS-TY PROBS
WEEKLY RACISM A big fuck you to all the construction going on right now. As a commuter I can’t take being late to half my classes because of the fucking mess of freshman chilling at the TDX bus stop. You should’ve stepped your shit up over the summer break and finished working then (The construction couldn’t be done in the summer because it’s prime fiesta season. The workers were too busy drinking Tecate and eating fajitas.)
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
“I lost my virginity on an LX bus. It was in exchange for a fat filipino sandwich and it was with a fat Filipino.”
(I’m a big supporter of feminism. I support women’s breasts with my hands, I support their vaginas with penis and I support their (Everyone knows one fedora butts with whatever will fit per group, unless you’re in inside of them, sans lube.) a ska band or Puerto Rican.)
To the skanky freshman girls who think everyone wants to see your ass cheeks, spoiler alert: I don’t pine to see your cellulite in my face in a cramped bus.
Dear hipsters who live on douglass, there’s this new invention: deoderant. Love, everyone on the ‘F’ bus. (Deodorant is so 2011. Rubbing organic, free range alfalfa leaves under your arm pit is the way to go. That’s what they do in Portland.)
(Funny you say that beDear Douglass girls, cause I actually pine to put Thank god you’re only my pine in those cellulite on the one campus. Corbutts.) dially, Fuck off loons One of the EE bus drivers (Douglass girls are getting just asked me if anyone hit hard this week. And not had vodka. Two people just by me.) raised their hands. (Only two?!?! Must have been 6 in the morning on a Tuesday.)
CLASSY
I’ve come to a point where I realize I don’t do Hey guys, Bus Guy again. anything besides go to I’m wondering how I talk class and do homework to attractive girls on the because I can’t make anybus, especially the ones more personals. I need to that I am shoved into due go cry somewhere now. to the amount of people and we both acknowl- (And don’t forget jerking edge that my hand is in off. That’s always necessary. an awkward place but Especially when your roommake no point to adjust mate is asleep next to you.) since that would just be more awkward. girl im sorry for the whis-
WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM Your rodent of the week over here is a gerbil. You might have had one as a kid, or your parents might have put one up their butt. Seriously, ever ask someone alive in the eighties about gerbils. First thing that comes to their mind is how people put it up their butt. Fucked up shit in the 80s man. Anyway keep them rodents of the week and other personals coming at: themedium.personals @gmail.com *Pro tip: shave the gerbil before you try putting it up there and never look it in the eye.*
WE LIKE SPORTZ
CONTROVERSY
Geno Smith looks like one of the monkeys from Tarzan.
Brower food sucks. id much rather go to livingston to eat.
(He is more successful than you’ll ever be in your life, but yeah kind of.)
(Woah, can we even print this? This is so reckless. Does anyone else know about this? Call the Targum asap.)
FUCK ARKANSAS. THE KNIGHTS WOOPED THAT PIG ASS. SEC WHO?
WE WANT YOU!
If you like this rack below, come join The Medium. No, we can’t ATTENTION ALL INDIpromise you any racks ANS: take a motherfucklike that. We actually can ing shower! That H bus promise you there won’t would smell better if it be any racks like that but was fumigated for stinkcome anyway. We can GREEK LIFE bugs. It’s honestly a miralso promise you lifelong acle that one of your peomemories you would ZTA girls think their shit ple won miss America probably rather for(See you don’t need to talk key dick give me another dont stink. fuck them. get. The Medium meets to girls on the bus. Just a chance WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 (Go say that in Lil Mumbai, few squeezes here and there I mean Busch campus, and with no eye contact and (So stand outside her win- (Their shit might stink. Ei- in the BUSCH CAMPUS we’ll see how many cricket soon enough you’ll find a dow. With your dick in your ther way you’re not fucking CENTER ROOM 120B. bats you get to the face.) them.) girl. That’s how my parents hand.) met.) When I see babies in busKATY PERRY es I get annoyed because SKANKS they’re not students. Unless they’re Asian. Then Dear yoga pants girl, it’s up for debate. DAT ASS (Probably not the only pig ass that was wooped at Rutgers on Saturday night. Can’t wait to go 1-10 in the Big Ten next year!)
(By 13, they’ll be your boss (And for 99% of other yoga too. Small price to pay for a pants girls, DAT ASS IS small penis.) GROSS.) im happy our black people were stronger and faster than arkansas black people
To that girl at the party on Guilden last week that i kept giving shots, in this culture you’re expected to sleep with me (Now isn’t that what college after that football is all about? America is a beautiful place.) (Yeah I’m sure the pussy is flocking to your twelve dollar bottle of Burnett’s.)
(‘Cause honestly what else did you think I would focus on.)
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
PERSONALS
the Medium
“What’s up with that pledge pin...BRO?”
LOTSA FLAVORS OUT THERE MY FRIENDS
HEY
Oh I got your attention now didn’t I. Send me some goddamn personals this week. You know how long it takes me to do this page when you don’t send in personals. Well not too long, I have a lot of, let’s call them adventures, while I’m here. Send personals to: themedium.personals@gmail.com Okay now time for the Doctor to give his weekly question. Well not weekly sometimes I actually like talking to you guys, but not usually, so I think of these questions. So here we go. What should the doctor be “in” this week? A. his office, maybe doing some work and checkin’ out his secretary. B. your chick’s mouth C. Damn B was a good answer D. Forget checkin’ her out, I’ma go fuck my secretary.
I’M IN IT
BUSSES OR BUSES
To the girls that live on my floor, you all sound like wolves howling in heat every night. What’s going on in there?... Can I join in?
If one more short person wiggles their way onto a bus, pushing me out of the way, you’re being thrown under the wheel.
(You didn’t invite me; you didn’t say please to the chicks. I’m sorry the Doctor cannot prescribe that for you at this time. Go jerk off.) I heard there’s a girl on the second floor that guys are just walking out of her vagina. (Could be a waterslide if they make her squirt, and then they could give her a nice creampie once they’re done.) To the girl I saw in the red cuttup dress this weekend, early thank you for breaking that out before it got too cold outside. Best bitch I saw all night.
(If they’re too short you can’t grab their ass, so might as well throw them under the bus.) Everytime I see a freshman gives a weird look to LX Stan, I want him to turn around and bitch slap them, proceeding to remind them they’re great scholars. (And don’t forget to get your flu shots! Stan has been big on the flu shots.) There needs to be a mandatory class for Freshmen on how to use the bus. Welcome to Rutgers and get comfortable since you’re about to get squished between two behemoths of obesity.
(And they all wear leggings...someone should really tell these fattys to stop My sociology teacher has wearing them, it ruins it for a big booty. She is the the skinny girls.) only reason why I go to her 8:40 AM class.
THE GOOD STUFF
I have been without my laptop for a few days now. I don’t know how much longer I can survive like this. (Well good thing you have your sociology teacher to jerk off too, doesn’t give you much variety but it must get the job done if you’re writing a personal about it.)
COME PLAY WITH US Come to our meeting Wednesday in room 120B in the BCC at 8pm. Think you need talent? Well you don’t! Look at me! I’m a fucking editor. I think that says a lot right there.
THE DAILY GUMBY
ORGIES AND SHIT
To the editor of the pen- I saw this chick today dulum in last weeks Tar- waiting at the Biel Road gum, can you fucking bus stop and it looked add? You took a poll and like she was starving and they only add up to 52% havent eaten in weeks. why the fuck would you not use half the people (Was she thirsty too? I’ll who bothered to answer? hook her up.) To the clown faced bitch in my orgo class stop acting like you know shit. You’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re Back again for rutgers to smart just because you take my money, and the nod and laugh emptily at the professors jokes targum still blows.
(The other 48% didn’t give the response they were looking for. Good journalism ethics.)
(They have pretty good stories--well stories about new statues and Nigerians, ‘cause you know we care about that shit.)
(You’re in what class? Orgy class. Shut the fuck up asshole you’re not funny.)
To the asshole watching me at the gym, I can where whatever makeup SOME CENTS I want and I wouldn’t A homeless man riding want to suck your dick, a bike on Easton told me that’s what I have tic tacs I have nice legs, moving for. up in the world? (Orange tic tacs are my fa(I’m getting really tired of vorite. Mmmm imagine these homeless motherfuck- pussy with some tic tac flaers. Theres this one black vor. Good shit, better than guy, you’ll find him around what I’ve been eating.) Chipotle’s and I’s Cafe, who HELP always asks for 87 cents or some random fucking number for bus money. Beware Have we found the Backthis man, as he will try to page Editor yet? guilt trip you into give him (Yes we have! Stop trying to money.) take her job! You know you If you feel comfortable want it Business Manager! purchasing a black car, Called out ohhhh what!) then you should have no problem purchasing a Can someone tell my RA to actually enforce quiet black person. hours? Like I know it just To the homeless guy went past 11 but this is hanging around Brett rediculous. I have never hall, no I won’t let you seen them write anyone in and I want pay $10 for up either, like come on. a handjob. In a capitalist society $10 for anything (Sounds to me like you have the best RA ever...lol.) just isn’t worth it. (From a guy you mean it is not worth it. No way you can get picky come on. Take the ugly chicks handys.)
My roommate walked in on me taking a dump in our apartment. Things will never be the same.
The dining hall is too crowded. I hate people. I hate them all. I just want to eat my captain crunch in peace.
Everytime I see a window broken in the fugly business building, I realize where my tuition is going. (These fucks are really starting to get to me. First they want us to buy special fucking clickers for their damn lecture halls. I have ONE business class why do I need to spend 50 dollars on a fucking clicker. THen they bitch about windows being broken, listen bitches, you have a brand new building. Try being in the Ruth Adams building with no fucking air conditioning. Then you can bitch about your fucking problems.) To my fucking accounting tutor, thanks for not showing up last week dickface. Cause I just love taking trips over to Livingston for no reason right before rush hour. (Oh you can leave Douglass every once in a while you hipster douche. Go read your poetry and listen to Neutral Milk.) To all the fuckers in my management class. I hate that you swarm like cocksucking vultures around the door before the previous class even lets out! Do you little turds know about basic class ettiquette? You wait until everyone goes out beforer you come in. You’re all acting like freshman. (Sounds like me hooking up with those chicks last week. Guys, wait til the Doctor is done, and then she can have you second.)
THE LORD NEEDS TO BE ON MY PAGE
YEAH WHATEVER
(This sounds so familiar, except I had someone come in and shit in my room....I thought it was funny though.)
FUCK BUSINESS
This man is my personal hero and I don’t know how he was not on my page by now. Scott if you’re reading please come visit and chill with Big Daddy. Love You.
THE BACK PAGE “How do I make a vertical line? Shit.”
A SUBMISSION?!
Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
Caption Contest!
What’s Shakin’ Tonight at 8:00 PM Medium Meeting @Busch Campus Center Room 120B We didn’t see you there last week. That’s okay. We’re not mad. We just expect you to be here tonight. Don’t be late. We’ll be waiting. Saturday at 10:30AM Scarlet Day of Service @Rutgers Student Center, Multipurpose Room Shit, you get lunch AND a free T-Shirt. Why the fuck are you still in bed??
Why is fucker so happy? You tell us. Send in your caption to themedium.backpage@gmail.com and have a shot at it being featured in next week’s issue.
TheMedium.Backpage@Gmail.com
Robert Hibachi
Krupa’s Korner
That $187,000 $culpture.
Here are a few things that you could
$25,000. TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. That is how much a student at this University will pay this year. When I think about what to buy and what not to buy, I remember that I am a broke college student with a decent amount of debt. Sometimes it’s really hard to comprehend why my university spends so much on money on stupid shit. Yes, I said stupid shit.
buy with $187,000: • 18,700 Boxes of Pizza • The tuition of The Medium staff • 600 new iPhones • Tons of better Brower food
Rutgers recently installed “$ynergy”, a sculpture cost $187,000, on Busch Campus. #THATISAHELLALOTOFMONEY. My mother would kick my ass if I ever dared to buy anything that expensive. Frankly, I don’t give a crap if it is a metaphor for Rutgers’ perseverance through time or a “symbolic of the bridge between basic sciences, the medical school and the arts.” The structure is a replica of protein collagen and honestly, we have enough of those in our bodies. If anyone asked me, I would have made the same sculpture out of Legos for $186,999 cheaper. Even the kids studying proteomics think that it’s an unnecessary investment, given that they spend most of their time locked up in a laboratory instead of standing outside staring at this stainless steel nonsense. The people who selected this sculpture need to get their priorities in check. In conclusion: $187,000 sculpture? WHY DON’T YOU PAY FOR MY TUITION?
• 188,888 packets of Ramen • 46,750 Caramel Macchiatos • 2671 Kegs • Diamond Studded Bathtub
Is this not so much better?
It’s Fake!
Pop Quiz! BY FOUR LOKI
Increased attendance at the blackout game leaves room at the library for... A) Nerds to throw early Greek Week celebrations
B) Asians to work on repopulating the city of Tokyo C) Rutgers Libraries’ Facebook page to promote even more useless trivia contests D) Expos professors to mark their territory using the diminishing morale of freshmen everywhere E) Are you even trying to figure out what the right answer is? HEY YOU. YES YOU READING THIS GRAY BOX. THINK THIS PAGE COULD BE BETTER? WELL IT WONT UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. SEND YOUR IDEAS/REQUESTS/ CONTENT/FEARS TO THEMEDIUM.BACKPAGE@GMAIL.COM. WE’LL BE WAITING.