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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
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September 30th, 2009
Volume xl Issue IV
GREEK LIFE
CAMPUS GREEK LIFE CONQUERED BY ROMANS BY MAXIMUS VAGINUS INSERTUS SUPREMUS STAFF WRITER
They came, they saw, they conquered. The longstanding beacon of civilization at Rutgers, the Greek system, has succumbed to the awesome might of the Romans. It took a fierce campaign, but due to their audacity and unwillingness to back down in the heat of combat, the Holy Roman Empire has established itself as the acting rulers and occupiers of the Greek dominion. This sentiment is roughly echoed in all the sweeping reforms that the regime has imposed upon Greek life here at the university. Instead of promoting philanthropy, Greeks are required to “get mad drunk all the time.” Instead of toiling towards the betterment of future leaders, Greeks should “never falter from the seat of debauchery.” Vomitoriums will be mandatory fixtures in every Greek household. The Romans have also begun planning an aquedect to be constructed through frat row to provide the provinces with much needed beer stolen from the countryside. “Things just got a little too, well, intellectual up in this bi***,” commented Pontiac Pilates, Appointed Spokesperson Maximus. “Aristotelian moderation? Fuck that shit; let’s get drunk and take masturbate little boys.” The Greeks have not given up their old way of life lightly. Nick Kelley, an embattled young soldier from the province of Theta Chi, was seen
continued, “ROMANS,” page 2 BREAKING NEWS
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
SAS junior Julius Caesar and SEBS sophomore Cleopatra do it like the Romans do
METEOR-BONER-OLOGY
Entire Targum staff fired after placement of lewd advertisement.
Cold Weather Forces Whores to Adapt
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
BY SOME DUMB JEW STAFF WRITER
In an unprecedented move, the University has chosen to dismiss the entire Targum staff following complaints that a recent full-page advertisement was not in keeping with University moral standards. T h e ad, which “No decent DICKY p r o m o t e d MCCORMICK newspaper Presidente an upcom- Extraodinare promotes ing exotic women/ whorishness” pornography/cheese tasting convention, featured scantily-clad, inviting, underage girls. “I was appalled,” said President Richard McCormick. “No decent newspaper promotes whorishness. Not in my University.” All the ex-writers have submitted applications to The Medium. We doubt they’ll get the job.
As the colder months draw near, voices of anxiety and fear have begun to rise up from the ranks of Rutgers women. “In September it’s like, so easy to just put on a pair of leggings and a tube top, but come October and November it gets really hard to show off my hard tits and ass,” says SEBS sophomore Nicole Greenwood. Greenwood is not alone in her apprehension about the shift in seasons. Hundreds of female students are upset that the changing climate will prevent them from putting on a mini skirt and strutting about New Brunswick in hopes of finding a bed other than their own in which to spend the night. “Traditionally, as the colder weather sweeps into Rutgers, students
are reluctant to admit that it is time to break out the parka and leave the heels in the dorm room,” says Michael Kulikowski, associate meteorologist at the Rutgers Weather Center. “The fact remains, however, that it’s balls-ass cold. Biddies can take off their jackets once they get inside the party. Preferably they can take off a few other things as well. The girls say it’s not that simple. “I have to use my slutty outfits to actually get into parties,” says SAS fresh-
Flauntin’ THE your titties WEATHER can be hard WHORECAST work
Making you crap your pants and like it ESTABLISHED 1970
man Hilary Rosenblum. “No guy is going to think I put out if I’m wearing a parka and scarf!” The sentiment is not lost on the opposite sex. Men all over Rutgers have expressed disdain over the requisite change in apparel. “In the warmer months, it’s pretty easy to scope out the hot girls, wearing the short shorts and skin-tight shirts,” posits SAS junior Jordan Panchal, a member of a local fraternity. “But when the weather gets cold it’s really hard to identify them.” Added Panchal, “There’s nothing more disappointing than geting a girl into my room, pulling off her sweatshirt, and finding a lovely muffin-top flopping out for the whole world to see.” Some girls have taken the initiative to salvage the situation any way they can. SEBS freshman Samantha Mason has it all planned out. “I’m going to keep wearing my little black dress but I’ll just wear Ugg boots and earmuffs so my feet and my ears stay nice and warm. I’ll be super cute!”
THE MEDIUM
NEWS “I totally forgot the most best quote of all time. OF ALL TIME!”
COSMETICS
PETA Suggests SEMEN AS ANIMAL FRIENDLY LIPGLOSS ALTERNATIVE
BY E.C. BLOOD N’ GUTS STAFF WRITER
Many young women enjoy the glamorizing, lip-enhancing effects of lip gloss, but animal advocacy group PETA asserts that this modern luxury comes at a heavily cruel cost. PETA estimates that about 154,000 newborn kittens could be saved each year from death-by-scalping. This industry standard technique involves slicing the vitamin-rich scalp and ears off living kittens for use in popular lines of lip gloss. “Poor kittens,” commented seven year old Highland Park native, Gil Turetsky. It was first discovered about 15 years ago that human semen could be used as a viable alternative to kitten scalps in lipgloss. Production, however, was made impossible by a slew of government regulations placed upon the commodity by the Clinton Administration. “We’re not gonna take it anymore,” said PETA representative Lizzy
Plaugic. “There are tiny furry kittens out there, dying, every single day. PETA is lobbying for change, and it’s about goddamn time.” Semen remains unlawful to sell or distribute in lipgloss brands, but PETA also claims that using pure semen works just as well, if not better. “It really gives you that great sheen,” assures a Sigma Tau Delta fashionista who prefers to remain unnamed. PETA actively encourages all young women to consider a double serving of semen as a lip gloss substitute the next time they go out. Their newest publicity campaign, “Jazz it up with Jizz!” is expected to launch within the next few days. The general public appears to be surprisingly receptive to the idea: the group’s website, where one can find several instructional videos, has gotten record hits in the past week. “Gotta love blowjobs,” posits one SAS junior, Rizwan Aslam, who claims to be a dome connoisseur.
STUDENT MEETS SOMEONE ELSE FROM JERSEY; DIES OF SHOCK Senior Nicole D’Amore suffered a heart attack yesterday upon learning that the cute kid who sits behind her in Metaphysics is also from New Jersey. Authorities pronounced her dead at approximately 11:30 a.m. on Monday. Eyewitness and SAS sophomore Nayantara Choudhary reported that “they were just kinda talking, and then the dude says that he’s from Ocean, and she totally like, dies.” According to the autopsy,
D’Amore was so excited that her heart raced to a deadly rate of over 250 beats per minute upon learning that there was another person from New Jersey who goes to Rutgers. D’Amore, who is also a native New Jerseyan, just couldn’t handle the coincidence. “It was incredibly disturbing,” muttered Professor Jeff King, who was reportedly “miffed” that he was unable to deliver his lecture on Heller that day.
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
TRANSPORTATION
REXL Institutes Route Change, Will Now Stop Stopping Will Greatly Improve Speed, Efficiency
PUTTING THE “EE” IN SPEED
Rutgers students adapting to the new system
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES STAFF WRITER
“Catch that bus” will take on a much more literal meaning as the REXL discontinues all stops and runs on a continuous basis. The decision came on the heels of administrative criticism that the line was not transporting students quickly enough and that many Cook students were not getting to their classes on time. The bus now runs at an average speed of 150 mph, and has been rigged to explode if speeds fall below 60 mph. Said Transportation Director Jack Molenaar, “When we saw how much time was saved from eliminating the Quads stop, we decided to get rid of all of them! We’re pleased to say the revamped route will complete its circuit in roughly 7 minutes and 43 seconds.” Students taking the REXL will now have to take much more proac-
“ROMANS,” continued from front
protesting yesterday outside the Student Center. “How can we stand to see our core values trampled by these barbarians?” cried Kelley, tears streaming down his pre-pubescent face. “Giving up civic duty for wine? Chasing tail instead of chasing the path of brotherhood, of respect for oneself and of others? These are grievances we will not tolerate!” Not everyone, however, is upset about the occupation. The new pledge
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
F
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Ryan Buttacavoli Paul Winters
News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
tive approaches when boarding the bus, such as covering themselves with fly paper and throwing their bodies towards the vehicle as the bus hurtles by. Grapples and pick-axes are also be available for rental through Rutgers Transportation services. Amidst safety concerns from Cook Council members, Molenaar assures that catching the bus would not become a risky endeavor. “These are a studious bunch who take the REXL, so I’m confident they’ll take the proper precautions. If they break their legs…well, that sure as heck aint gonna get them to class on time.” When asked how students depart a speeding bus without getting their skin peeled off faster than a fat kid unwrapping a candy bar, however, Molenaar faltered. “Like I said, they’re a smart bunch. They’ll figure something out.” system has proved to be exceedingly popular by the Greek populace. Instead of the Greeks butt-raping and hazing into oblivion their new initiates, pledges are forced to butt-rape and haze themselves in a gladiatorial public exhibition. “I really like the new pledge system,” remarked Eli Gordon, of Alpha Epsilon Pi. “It just takes the guilt out of having to physically and emotionally harm someone who’s about to become your brother. No one should have to bear that burden, you know?” Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono Erinn Koerner Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium and its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is brought to you by JOOOOOSE...and the number three.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
FEATURES Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century!
THE MEDIUM
Map of Cook - The “Hey Douglass, Make Me a Sandwich.” Campus
Map of Douglass The “I’m Staying with Cook because I Love Him, But I Ran Into a Door.” Campus Fast 5: Overlooked Statements in McCormick’s Presidental Speech on Friday 1. “The rumors are true...we stole Tom Savage from an orphanage and raised him to be the ultimate football Quarterback.” 2. “I have decided to add 100 new classes, the majority of them having to deal with Expos, and we added 3 new wine-tasting classes.” 3.
“Kali-Ma! Kali-Ma!”
MAMA BROWER’S PHOTO ALBUM
Here I am saving Tokyo from Rodan.
4. “I’m going to rename Rutgers: The State University of New Jersey to The University State of Rutgers in Newark, New Brunswick and Camden in New Jersey University 5. “In conclusion, fuck y’all.”
Here I am destroying the Death Star and saving the Rebellion
I was thankful to Don Corleone for inviting me to the wedding
THE MEDIUM
OP/ED “I’m tapped out.”
FROM THE DESK OF THE EIC RUSA allocations has just allocated themselves 20,000 dollars. So they can go on a retreat and “foster team spirit” or some shit. The kids that handle our money are going on a camping adventure with enough money to put a deserving poor kid through Rutgers for a year, or another school for a few years. I want you to go ahead and read that again. This is the most any single event was given and surprise, surprise: it went to the people that give the money out. It’s a preposterous abuse of power. Any befuddlement to this is akin to being surprised the guy that locks up Fort Knox at night drives a Ferrari home. If you aren’t mad about this, shame on you. I’m not the only one that saw classes cut, raises deferred, employees fired, and Olympic teams dis-
September 30th, 2009
mantled as the school loses more and more money to the state and the goddamned football field. You saw that and complacently sat by, these fucks on the allocations board saw this and decided to take what they saw as a golden goddamned opportunity to take a vacation on our dime. There’s a meeting on Thursday where we’ll be able to tell them exactly what the fuck we think about this bullshit. If I don’t see you there I swear to God I will shut this goddamned paper down because if you don’t care about how the school wastes money, then I’ll put our budget to something more positive in order to offset the damage you do by being an apathetic fuck. Congrats to Oxfam, you might just get a helluva windfall this year.
The Perfect‘O’ Face Knowledge every gal should know, for goodness sake.
As promised, in this edition I’ll teach all you good married people how to produce an accepted version of the orgasm, or ‘O’ face. To provide the most accurate information, boys and girls will have to be separated. Gentlemen: Please do not read the following paragraphs; skip right down to the section labeled ‘Gentlemen’. Ladies: Please stop reading after your section. Remember, we use the honor system here at Rutgers! LADIES: As everyone knows, women cannot achieve orgasm. We are built to continue the race by having babies; pleasure does not enter the equation. Despite this universally accepted truth it’s important to ‘stroke’ your husband’s ego. Men are under the impression they can provide pleasure with that scary, pointy,
fleshy thing; aka the penis. When forced to engage in intercourse think about something fun; smile and breath like you have just sprinted up stairs. Don’t breathe too hard or he may think you’ll want to do this every year. Open your mouth slightly (gently
by Paris Halin Staff Writer
biting your lip is encouraged). Finally, use your voice! Some women find husbands prefer yelling (like riding a roller coaster) and some report their hubbies like it when they moan
(imitate sound made when being punched in stomach, then turn it into question by raising your pitch at end). While this can be awkward it will improve your husband’s experience, and that’s what it’s all about! GENTLEMEN: You are born perfectly equipped to pleasure your wife. Anything you do will bring her mind-numbing satisfaction so have a good time! Your face is the only thing your wife wants, so as long as it’s you, you’re doing it right! Remember, send in questions of a sexual nature and I will include them in the next edition! Paris Halin is a world-renown sexpert and has been consulted upon by every president since Reagan.
What Ever Happened to Dignity? by Reverend Holyfuck Procrastinator
The closer we get to the end of the decade, the more embarrassing our behavior is getting. Have we really become this pathetic? It’s bad enough that the Numa Numa Kid, Afroninja and Two Girls, One Cup are all well established household names; but our quest for idiocy has taken things to the next level and has successfully transformed pop culture as a whole from a simply mind-numbing evanescence into a total brainfucking cancer. Reality TV has
grown from novelty shows about whores marrying rich guys to legitimate primetime programming that people take really seriously; instead of Arrested Devel-
that actually matters to mereality. Tom DeLay in Dancing with the Stars? Really? He was the fucking House Majority leader. The headlines for the NY Times are all about Obama’s vote for where the next Olympics should be held, and this dude is fucking dancing around with hot-ass dancers? What the hell is going on here? And I know what you’re thinking. “So opment, Freaks and Geeks what?” Right? Yeah, fuck and Undeclared we’re you. Look, you only think forced to deal with Paren- this because our standards tal Control, the Hills and I have dropped so significantly that watching the forLove New York’s Pussy. What’s worse is that this mer House majority leader frenzy to reset all the ad- prance around in tights vances of mankind has doesn’t seem to phase anyspilled over into the realm one. I’m sorry but ‘celeb-
rity’ should not include people who, for a living, are in charge of keeping our country afloat. I’m just saying that people of actual importance should respectively refrain from being stupid. We have enough reasons to criticize our politicians, without the help of bad speechwriters or retarded vice president candidates. I know we’ve evolved from Monica Le-
winsky’s dress to Britney Spears’ flabby vagina but that doesn’t mean that Obama needs to put out his own sex tape, (which by the way, would be AWESOME!) I don’t know what the solution is, maybe we’ll become so numb to everything that we’ll be forced to revert back to what seriously matters… or maybe we’ll watch some dude blow himself for twenty minutes.
Attention! If anyone knows the whereabouts of those two sexy police officers who came into the Medium’s production room at 1:30am on Monday, please contact me at: opinions@themedium.net. I would like my underwear back.
THE MEDIUM
ARTS
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
“A flute without holes is not a flute. A donut without holes is a Danish.”
Creationism ROCKS!!!! Many of you have probably seen and heard the preachings of the wise Evangelist who stands outside Brower on Thursday afternoons, barking about how 99.675% of the Rutgers student body will be going straight to Hell. Recently, this all-knowing man revealed an incredible secret: Unbeknownst to a majority of the peons on this Earth, dinosaurs never went extinct! In fact, they still roam the forests of this planet, but in secret. They are masters of disguise, rushing behind trees, rocks, and office buildings to hide from the evil human race. Thank you, Brower Jesus freak, for enlightening us with this ground-breaking news. The Unholy Facebook Pictures of the Week Keep ‘em coming! Embarrass your friends, enemies, co-workers, siblings, etc. by submitting their classiest photos to: arts@themedium.net
Got submissions? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net
THE MEDIUM
Wa-Ho Peasants. Spicy Caramel’s sick with El Gripe (that’s Mexican for, “I shoulda been more careful about what I licked last night”), so I’ll be playing your Sexy Substitute Teacher this week. I’m a little entity called The Girl Personals Editor. Remember me? I know, you just had an orgasm. That makes two of us.
To the guy in the Superman shirt and the Superman hat, I take it you think you are Superman. Why are you taking the bus, Superman? You can fly. In fact, you’re Asian, so you can do that Dragonball Z levitating shit. You big jerk—taking up bus seats from us MERE MORTALS! To the chick walking around Douglass with the elbow-length rainbowstriped glove: it looks like you jammed your arm up unicorn pussy To the girl wearing the really, really, really yellow knit shawl: You looked like you seduced Big Bird… maybe you talked to him like Snuffleuppagus or something, whatever gets him off… and then you SCALPED the poor fucker and now you are wearing his scalp as some sort of sordid trophy. Hey, you, Human Ass Crack. I think you need to move up the next size in pants. That crack is like, all I see. If you were to come up and initiate conversation, I’d walk around to the back and address your ass because it tells me a lot more than your face does. It tells me, “reach up there and give me a thong wedgie and snap some sense into me.” My roommate was cooking hotdogs the other day, right? All of a sudden, grease flew out of the pan and spashed her in the fuckin face! BAM! Like getting forcefully hit in the face by Emeril, only a lot more greasy. Would this have happened were she not cooking hot dogs? I think not! Fukin evil hot dogs will kill us all.
PERSONALS “You know I’d kiss my ass if I could.” To the girl on the LX; your lip piercing is so disgustingly tiny I’ve got no fucking idea what you thought the point was of getting your lip pierced at all. It looks like a fairy took a shit on your face To the kid in my dorm who is hanging up flyers so he can sell the extra concer tickets he has: SCALPING TICKETS IS ILLEGAL IN NEW JERSEY!! YOU ARE A DUMBASS FOR PUTTING YOUR NAME AND WHERE YOU LIVE ON THE FLYERS! I TORE THAT FIRST BATCH DOWN AS A FAVOR SO YOU WOULDN"T GET ARRESTED! (Hey did you know that TAKING THINGS OFF THE WALLS IN RES HALLS IS ALSO NOT ALLOWED? YEAAAH! I’M GONNA PUT EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT’S EXTREME! ROAR!!! POUR A RED BULL INTO MY URETHRA AND PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!)
Thank you Dave Attell for making fun of my haggared facial hair Saturday night. I shall never shave my beard ever again (so it’ll basically look like my pubic hair all over y o u r -face. Yeah, no one will ever make fun of you again!) To the boy in Brower who had three bowls of cereal, two bananas and two bagels for breakfast. What the fuck? How are you so skinny? Why do you eat so much and tempt fat people like me into thinking that eating lots of carbs will make you skinny? How fair is that!!? (It is if you eat HIM) All you people write personals that are too long. Write an Internet blog about your emo sex adventures and leave me alone.
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
To Urgent Matters Boy running across Douglass on Tuesday: I want to trip you. If you need to go somewhere quickly, there’s a handy invention called the bicycle To my roommate; thanks a fuckin ton for telling me we were going out tonight so I cancel all my plans, and then disappearing with your girlfriend. My friend was gonna drive me home this weekend for a bangin ass party, but now I’m ALONE in my dorm room with fuckin Arrested Development DVDs. Fuck (Hey there’s nothing wrong with being alone. I’m alone in the production room right now making the personals page! I get to kick off my shoes…my pants.... oh, shit— Mexican janitor really needs to knock before coming in)
Anthropology is probably the most boring thing since frat boys. "hey brah u see me rocking out to asher roth? he totally gets it" "yea brah, i saw u fist pumping from across the room while i was busy being interchangeable"
I’ve spent way too much time on this shit rag this week
To PJ, you need to stop hitting on guys. Can you please please leave me the fuck alone. Stop trying to hop up on me and bending me over like you want to put it in my ass. Stop trying to ram me in the asshole i’m so tired and learn where the fucking grease truck is. If you like men go to TCNGay (TCNJ) (It’s called mace. It is one of my closest friends)
(Your personal is the most boring thing since I watched “Laurence Welk eats lima beans, gets gas, and has to sit it out for a while”) To Ms. Ghetto Booty who lives above me in Henderson; If you are over 300 pounds, PLEASE DO NOT WEAR HIGH HEELS! It sounds lime your fat ass is going to come crashing through our living room! Also, please stop wilin’ out up there wit yo friends at 1 in the morning or I will go all Suburban White Bread on your asses. To the woman with blue streaks in her gray hair, I’d like to say that’s awesome…but it’s just not.
To the fucking EIC at the Medium: Your paper is garbage. Every week I read your shitty paper and I want to kill myself, or at least gouge out my eyes and cut off my fingers, so I can’t read and can’t feel out Braille. Does it hurt to use spellcheck? Or, you know, not let shitty articles get in? Last time I checked, there’s something like ten editors for this “paper” and yet it looks like a bunch of 14 year-olds threw it together. Do you even do anything? I mean, what jobs can you really do if there’s a shitton of editors already on the staff? Love, The What’s Shakin’ Editor
To the chunky Asian chick in my soc class, you are DONE with your freakin bubble tea. Stop sucking on it like you’re giving someone head. You are not going to slurp up the one bubble ball still sitting at the bottom of the cup
Dear overzealous freshmen, Go fuck yourselves.
(You’ll get the last laugh when she fails her midterm for slurping her way through Karl Marx and conflict theory. When she starts sobbing in that cute little Korean way, you can turn to her and say “You suck! Balls!” And it’ll be true!!)
(Fuck you... ignorant bitch, Peter Pan all the way)
love, Everyone Else Dear SKIPPY, there’s a reason why choosy moms choose jif!!
To the kid on the LX bus who got on at the Livingston Student Center; I thought you where Groucho Marx reserrected from the dead... Why did I go to college?
To the annoying ugly skanks of voorhees 1st floor- stop fucking harrassing me when i’m trying to get to class. noone gives a shit about the election and groveling for votes just makes everyone despise you more. I’m sick of seeing your obnoxious faces displayed all over the building, take them down To the the dick-licker who complained about freshfrites last week: if you dont like the smell go sit some where else. p.s. ketchup is for fags Dear Grandma, Thanks for the money. I spent it on tequilla and various fruit juices. I got really drunk and woke up on the kitchen table. Keep in touch! To the bitches in the computer lab; Yes, I am on Facebook. Fuck you
Bitch on bitches. personals@themedium. net
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009 To the guy at the College Ave Student Center computer lab who I didn’t see standing in line to get a computer. That was my computer you stole. You’re lucky I was in a good mood. Next time if you do it again, I WILL punch you in the face, you fucking asshole. So fucking rude, ughh. (I still don’t get how people honestly expect Rutgers students to be courteous. This is New Jersey, after all.) To the people on the third floor who decided to run around at 3am, multiple times on multiple days: I hope you fucking die. Try having some god damn fucking common sense you insensitive little prissy fucks. If you are running at that time of the night you better be dying a miserable death. K thx. (See above) To the guy in charge of the asian name art on livingston last wednesday: you are a big gay asshole, and that’s not to be confused with the one on your body. To the stupid fuck who wrote “Demarest sucks the largest cock & balls” in sharpie marker in one of the men’s bathrooms, go take your preconceptions of what Demarest is about and shove them up your cornhole. And you can’t draw a penis to save your life. A square penis? Really? You are a fucking sorry excuse for a human being. (Maybe he/it has never seen one before and doesn’t know what it really looks like.) To the guy in the front row of my Law and Politics lecture. NOBODY CARES!!!!!! We know you have the opposite view of our professor! WE GET IT! We do not need to know your personal stance on every issue. There are four hundred of us in the room. If you don’t shut up we will collectively make sure that number gets down to Three Hundred and Ninety-Nine! To the guy who saw the man/chick running up George Street; I saw that shit too. I think its a fucking Geico caveman or some shit. It fucking scares the crap out of me. JORDYN BAKER!!!
PERSONALS
“Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot?”
you know who you are... Stop watching Fox News all day. I HATE coming home from class to see you eating up all the conservative bullshit that Glenn Beck doles out. And I don’t understand why you feel the need to constantly invade my space and conversations with your extremist, idiotic, “obama is the most evil person ever” views. I obviously don’t agree with you and I don’t feel like talking about it. FUCK OFF! (You can at least take solace in the fact that said person is a fucking mindless zombie who needs Glenn Beck to tell them when to breathe and when not to. And they’ll lose all their redneck teeth in less than 10 years.) to the house on plum st, you had a fucking gayass house party on saturday. fucking people there were so gay, so many fucking dudes. makes me mad i spent $5 and 30 minutes there. fucking gay. fuck (Welcome to Freshman year, kid.) Hey question kid in my stats 211 class you looked so gay with your mustache and suspenders. Please shut the fuck up. FUCK WATER WATCH, FUCK NJPIRJ, AND FUCK THOSE EOF KIDS THAT ARE SOOO NOT POOR This kid in my PR class told his story of how he had to go to court that day. He didn’t know the house he has been renting since April has been foreclosed since December, it is actually joined with the house next door as one property, the lease is apparently fake, the “landlord” can’t produce evidence of owning the property, and she is nowhere to be found. He had to pay 1200 in fees. Needless to say, that sucks. To the dumbasses on the bus after the game, the bus DID stop at the quads right after you got off. I hope you enjoyed your walk because i enjoyed not hearing your voices anymore (I’m noticing that in general RU football fans are...how do you say this...retarded.) To the Indian Amy Winehouse in my Intro to Crim. class. Please stop. Everything. Just Everything.
To the pesky Targum Editorialist who thinks its rude i use speaker phone full blast while riding the bus. You wish you had balls like mine that don’t two fucks about being considerate to anyone else (God, I was HOPING someone would write about that this week. That girl is such a stupid, whiny, condescending bitch. Whenever I read her moronic column I feel like I lose IQ points. Why the fuck is that dumb whore given a column to spew her QQing? Seriously, if you’re reading this, you idiotic twat, SHUT THE FUCK UP!) To the blonde cunt in my bio lab at night just because my black friend wants your slutty ass doesn’t mean I have to like you. We all know your craving his huge black cock, but I hope it rips your vaginal wall. Next time you look at me again and give me that dirty look remember I could rip your blonde extensions out. I’m only trying to be nice so I don’t cock block my friend who is going to do you so hard you won’t be able to walk he next day. Your a whore fuck you (If your situation is as you describe, you may actually want to do your friend a favor and cock block him. Normally that would be a carnal sin, but she may have the herp.) To my cockjuggling retarded suitemate, stop being in the suite all the time. take your panties off, relocate your penis and get the fuck out every now and then nobody wants your bitchass around you cockblock. (I’m honestly confused by that one for once...) To the busted ass freshmen girls I kicked out of my room, are you sure you DIDN’T get run over by that car on your way here? Because it sure did look like the ugly truck hit you in the face. I was too drunk to realize you were BOTH the ugly friend. (Don’t you hate it when that happens? Two girls show up and they’re BOTH uglier than a cow’s ass?) My cock is so big that I pitch a tent big enough for 12 people.
Voorhees 1 to Voorhees 3: Really?! You’re really coming after our RA because one of your dumb fuck friends got caught smuggling beer into the dorm? I knew he was stupid, but now he has dragged you into his bitch-fit with authority. Although I’m not entirely surprised, I think the altitude and oxygen deprivation has robbed you of what little sense you once had. P.S. STOP BITCHING (Let the inter-dorm warfare commence!!!) To the girl in front of the class in Japanese 101 that does not shut the fuck up. Stop asking the teacher what random Japanese words are, that have nothing to do with the lesson. Its already hard enough to fucking understand the teacher. If you ask one more question I’m gonna slap you so hard that the bombing of Hiroshima will personify itself and say “Ooh God Damn” To the fucking ugly bignosed jew dike in my Intro to Statistics class, take the stick out of your ass ASAP. If you moan or sigh at one more thing, im gonna have your face hole raped by my friend LaTrelle’s massive fuck rod. Oh, and he has some delicious gonorrhea for you to enjoy. Give the professor a break you filthy rancid whore (Dude, she might actually enjoy that. The face raping and the gonorrhea.) To the drunk slant bitch on the EE last weekend: Next time you piss me off, I won’t just shove you in the face like I did the first time. I’ll knock you the fuck out. (Beware man, she might go all kung fu on your ass.) to the 3 kids cruising down college av on friday listening to shakira: driving a maserati does not keep you from being indian/persian/ arabic mafia frat-boy guidowannabe faggots who are just spoiled little rich kids who won’t ever get respect from anyone in life.
THE MEDIUM
to my pussy exroommate, man ill fuckin get my fuckin boys know what im sayin fuckin messy j fuckin gunit fuckin eddie money fuckin j murda fuckin dannon all those fuckin guys and fuckin get a spiked bat and splat! yo fuckin ass naw mean? fuckin gay as shit wit dat fuckin gay fuckin hair and your fuckin gayass fuckin uglyass fuckin girlfriend. fuck y’all (Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re white and puny?) Hey Obama lovers, Obama sucks cuz he a niggah. It’s not policy at all, like we claim in pubic. It’s race pure and simple. But dont tell this to Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity, we dont want to delude them! Oh yeah and hes a communist and Communistskis have been partying in the gulags sinse Joseph Stalin or something. Never mind evil dictators giving socialism a bad name, Communists must all be evil because Joey Stalin and Kim Jong Il and Castro were all evil dictators. (I wonder how many people read that and missed the obvious sarcasm? If it was you, please put this paper down, buy a gun, and shoot yourself.) To all the people on the R7 out of Trenton yesterday: YES, THE TRAIN IS GOING TO FUCKING PHILLY!!!! Wait, what? You don’t know where the train is going? Phucking Filly. I’m never riding SEPTA again. (Oh, please, it’s fucking SEPTA, you should have been more than well aware what you were getting into. They make NJ Transit look like the greatest thing ever, what with their ability to actually expand service and all and not smell too horribly.) To the girl I ditched the other morning. Wondering why your ass hurts so much? You were a wild ride. Wish I could remember your name.
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO SUBMITTED PERSONALS THIS WEEK!
Keep those Personals cumming like Eva Angelina does to whatever dick she’s sucking (look her up if you haven’t heard of her). As always, the place to submit is Personals@TheMedium.net but you knew that already. See you assholes next week!
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Today, September 30th, 2009
“A paper divided against itself cannot stand.”
Not Shakin’: Trends
You know what sucks? Trends. There always seems to be some fictional entity or situation that everyone falls in love with for a few years before they ultimately decide its not cool enough and move on to something else. Trends are so cool, bro.
What’s Shakin’?
9/28 @ College Ave - Students realized that Neptune Night was the last time the dining halls put in any real effort, and are finding themselves eating more and more Wendy’s as a result. Freshmen 15 here we come!
Vampires are back in. Well, pussy vampires at least. Vampires that look like models and talk about their feelings and shit. If I remember correctly, Nosferatu just wanted to fucking kill people, not talk about his feelings. Twilight was just the tip of the ‘berg apparently, because some new vampire thriller/question of mortality is coming out starring Ethan Hawke. I’d look up the name but I’m too lazy.
A few years ago it was Zombies, I guess. The Dawn of the Dead 10/1 @ Planet Earf - Free Kanye West Concert at EVERYWHERE. If remake came out and everyone fell in love with the walking (or in you’re ALIVE, on the planet EARTH, breathing oxygen, you’ll be this case, running-fast-as-shit) dead. Shaun of the Dead came out too, which I’ll admit was funny, but it’s not relevant without the at this FREE KANYE CONCERT. societal man-crush on zombie flicks. 10/2 @ Brower - Religious Zealots yell at you for anything. What’s next? I could say superheroes because of the impressive ar10/3 @ Those artsy houses over on that one street are having par- ray of movies that are coming out from now to 2012, all of which are going to be star-studded and leave nerdy asian dudes busting ties that make me regret ever having “Partying” as an Interest on in their pants after the final scenes close, but superhero movies my facebook profile. These cats sit around in a room making as many obnoxious noises as possible and imagine themselves to be have been around for a good amount of time now, and they just sorta fade in and out. the great artists of tomorrow, without ever acknowledging it, of course. Instead, I’m going to go out on a limb and say the next big trend that will come up is 70’s porn. That’s right, 70’s porn. Lots of thick 10/8 @ Sig Ep - Thirsty Thursdays bro. Grab 10 bitches per guy mustaches, long curly fro-ish looking hair-dos, and lots of bush. and get ready to get drunk as shit in a grungy-ass cellar that norTons of bush, shit. 70’s porn was like the Golden Age for porn. mally you wouldn’t spend any significant amount of time in, but the social norms of college and expectations for this near-utopian, There was some law that a pornstar could only ingest one gallon of semen per month. That’s how intense this shit was. I’m sure party-your-ass-off environment that has been drilled into our douchey hipsters that come up with all the new trends will find an heads ever since movies like Animal House came out will bend your own standards and morals so that maybe this chick you just old 70’s porn and laugh at how campy it is, but also remark how, met will at least blow you later on, but more likely you’re going to in an esoteric way, it actually is a scathing social commentary of go home drunk off shitty beer and download porn while you furi- the former political/social scenario in America. ously masturbate in order to bust before your roommate gets back. Or maybe it’ll just be Pirates again. Sick party dude.
Tedy Bruschi A Concert Review By: C-huck
and the Strokes
Harvest Moon is famous for many things. Four dollar beers; an actually somewhat chill environment; and fuck, I don’t know, I’ve been there twice. They did however have a special secret show this past weekend with an unbelievable headliner after some douche Writer’s House kid read his poetry to acoustic guitar. The band was Tedy Bruschi and the Strokes. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s right, you missed the show of the year. Tedy played a good set, sacking Brett Favre three times during the show. He seemed a little tired halfway through the set, but after popping a few aspirin, having a glass of red wine, and slight changes in diet and lifestyle, he was good to go for the rest of the set. The encore song was “Reptilia” and Bruschi twitched on stage in excitement until medical aide arrived.