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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themedium.net
Volume xl Issue I
RESIDENT LIFE
FRESHMAN DOES LAUNDRY FOR FIRST TIME, LAST TIME BY E.C. BLOODN’GUTS NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—What started as a simple step towards parental independence ended in Tide Fresh Scent sudsy tragedy, when washer # 3 in the Tinsley basement blew up, taking the operator’s life. 18-year-old Eileen Uhlik was the unfortunate victim; the first person to die while washing clothes since the now-infamous Maytag Disaster of ’78. Authorities arrived on the scene shortly after 8 pm Tuesday, describing the wreckage as “pathetic and filled with bubbles—like a rave sorta.” Because Uhlik dressed exclusively in Hollister and American Eagle, all of her clothes had long since been snatched off the floor. This is awesome for her former dorm-mates, but it’s pretty shitty for the would be heir of her clothing, Uhlik’s beloved niece, Nina. It was obvious from witnesses’ accounts that Uhlik was inexperienced in proper laundering techniques. “Horrified. I was absolutely horrified. She had mixed the colors AND the darks!” said freshman Dan Johnson. “I saw her put two scoops of detergent in, as well as nitroglycerin.” commented Geoff Irving, class of 2011. “Everyone knows you only need one scoop of detergent if you’re going to use nitroglycerin.” University officials, meanwhile, are reminding students to practice safe laundering techniques. Police gathered that she took a good five minutes to read the instructions on the machine, and then took another couple of minutes to scrutinize her container of Tide like “a confused mama’s girl monkey” according to fellow freshman Pat Mahoney. “The only good thing from all ‘dis,” said officer Ben Dover, “wuz ‘dat other than Uhlik, no one wuz hoit, and we really didn’t have to do any cleanup either because this flood of suds appears to have taken care of all the blood spatters! That’s real good, because I want to go home soon…maybe get a bagel on the way. I’d get a donut because, heh heh, I’m a cop, but my wife sez ‘dem bagels are healthier.”
50¢
September 9th, 2009 UNIVERSITY
RUEXPRESS NOW ACCEPTED AT LOCAL “POT SPOTS”
Students “pretty stoked” BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
NEW BRUNSWICK—The booming New Brunswick marijuana market has prompted traditional dealers to reform and expedite the way they do business. Working with the university, a small community of weed salesmen has decided to utilize the highly popular RUexpress program in order to ease the purchasing process for Rutgers students. According to President Richard McCormick, every dealer has undergone an extensive vetting process by a committee of tenured philosophy professors to ensure a quality selection of the “dankest in Brunswick” for the student population to enjoy. “Rutgers is committed to excellence,” posited McCormick in an official statement on Monday. “As such, the Board wholly believes that Rutgers students should smoke nothing less than the stickiest of the icky.” The process is simple – simply ask your local dormitory dealer if he/ she accepts RUexpress. Already, 60 percent of suppliers university-wide have signed up for the program. continued, “WEED,” page 2
GOING GREEN
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THE MEDIUM
EL NEWS-O “I’d love to invade those pillars of pleasure!”
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 “WEED,” continued from front
SPORTS
Incoming Transfer Hailed as Next Fat Sandwich Star BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES NEWS EDITOR
NEW
BRUNSWICK—Gluttony fans will have much to look forward to at Rutgers this semester with the arrival of several high-profile eating recruits, all promising that old records will be broken and sandwiches renamed. Perhaps most anticipated is the arrival of Yuuta Momofuko, or as others know him, The Incredible Bulk. Hailing from Nagano, Japan, Momofuko shares a kinship with such eating legends as the five-time Nathan’s Hot Dog eating champ Takeru Kobayashi, and Godzilla. He recently immigrated to the U.S. where he joined the competitive eating circuit; during this time he was discovered by Rutgers recruiters at Harold’s Deli in Edison, which is famous for serving sandwiches the size and shape of small cows. Rutgers talent scout Roy Beck recalls, “Their subs aren’t meant for one person, and he was eating TWO, man! That’s just jaw-dropping talent. I’m telling you, that Momofuko is gonna be huge.” During a recent practice gorge at 1 a.m., anyone at the grease trucks at got a special preview of what to expect in the coming months. Momofuko inhaled three ‘Darrels’ in a matter of minutes as onlookers appeared to be rendered speechless. Wide-eyed Sophomore Jay Lynch commented, “Yeeeah…..that’s
A REAL ATHLETE
Jamar Wallace, a redshirt freshman, mid-practice
a lot…hahaha(sic)giggle.” After contemplating the scene for a while, he continued, “Dude, you know what’s gonna happen? The grease trucks are gonna RUN OUTTA GREASE! Hahahaha! They’ll like, like, have to kill whales or something to get more!” Some worry that the only “whales” being killed are Fat Sandwich competitors, eating their way to a cardiovascular implosion But for these pertinacious pudgy-studs, the prospect of fame drives them on. Beck hopes that by the end of the semester there will be a new sandwich named in his honor—the Fat Momofuko. “I don’t got a lot going for me” admits Momofuko. “I know the only way I can make a name for myself is by eating…a lot. And that’s such a goddamn beautiful sentiment that I know you’re gonna highlight that quote in your article.”
LET’S GO CA-RAZY! OMG! R-U RAH RAH! WOO! FOOTBALL!
Editorial Staff Fall 2009
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Colin Fong John Bender Flakey McFlake Paul Winters
There are also several different plans available for purchase on the RUexpress website, ranging from an eighth a semester, for those who only smoke a few bowls a month, to three ounces, which averages about four blunts a day. Reception of the program has been met with positivity, by both students and parents alike. The father of David Boyea, class of 2011, commented, “I would rather my son smoke Rutgers-approved marijuana than any old schwag off the streets. After all, the Rutgers name has always been associated with prestige and distinction.” For more information, email ruxpress@rci.rutgers.edu. Apparently, they welcome all comments, questions, and concerns.
RELIGION
Freshmen Introduced to Satanic Ritual at “The Gathering” BY CONSUELA DEBONGO CONTRIBUTING WRITER
DOUGLASS—What many at first
thought would be a convocation-like ceremony, “The Gathering” instead turned out to be a devil-worshipping celebration as the Rutgers University class of 2013 was introduced to the RU Satanic ritual at “The Gathering” last week, revived and brought back to life when put on hiatus two decades ago. Hundreds of freshmen were lead by blackcloaked individuals to the sound of a pounding drum to Voorhees Mall, where the festivities took place. It was there the freshman were introduced into IN DA’ HOOD the ways of following the Dark Lord, complete with a celebratory altar of candles, incense, and animal carcasses. Each freshman was then given a drink from the goblet of goat blood, to seal their pact with Rutgers and Sat– I mean McCormick. While many freshmen were initially surprised upon seeing the ceremony, some embraced the ways of the ceremony and the university itself. News Editors Abe Stanway Kaitie Davis Features Editor Keith Lawrence Opinions Editor Reven MacQueen Arts Editor Katie Russian Personals Editor Dave Imbriaco
“I thought it was going to be kind of lame at first, but I really enjoyed the slaughtering of the goat. It felt like that frat party I almost got into,” quotes Brian Smith, Undecided major. “I’m not sure I am comfortable with this, but my parents would be very angry if I left school. I guess this is the price for a good education” spoke Xiang Li, Engineering class of 2013. When asked why such an event was chosen, President Richard L. McCormick explained, “To welcome our freshman class, we thought ‘The Gathering’ would be the best way to bring unity amongst the new Not to be confused Rutgers students with Cap and Skull and to welcome them to the Rutgers tradition of Satanism. Said Resident Life Coordinator Sharon Brown, “Since most freshmen are inherently evil, we decided this type of initiation would be most appropriate.” Students can look forward to the fetus smoothie “Dean’s Dessert” over the next week in dining halls. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Online Editor Staff Photographer Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Carmella Luczak Mike Vuono We need one Tim Swanson Barbara Reed Ass-burger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium and its authors. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to broken bird ornaments around the world.
THE MEDIUM
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
“They call me MELLOW YELLOW (Quite Rightly)”
THE MEDIUM CELEBRATES 40 YEARS OF JOKES,
SEX,
DRUGS, OFFENDING PEOPLE,
Now that we’re 40-years-old, It is our distinct pleasure on becoming Rutgers’ Dirty Old Man
This is what the Medium would like if it were human
(Remember, everyone tolerates the Dirty Old Man)
A long ass time ago
September 1, 1970 Medium publishes first paper
Caveman Ug lets out a fart Caveman Grakk makes a painting of it in some cave Earliest known history of the Medium
Today
This is the day Targum and Medium become What the Medium estranged brothers did all throughout the 90’s
“Rutgers ID for Henry Medium”
Henry Medium enters Rutgers with his brother Waylon Targum
Today, the Medium prides itself on being known as “Rutgers’ version of the Onion”
During the 80’s, the Medium experimented with a lot of coke and funky hairdos as it fades away from new reporting to it’s current format
They are joined by their retarded cousin, Prometheus Centurion
September 13, 1969
A time when Flock of Seagulls was a popular band
The Medium’s 2009 Summer Round-up To those 4 students at Rutgers, Sorry about Swine Flu July 16th -Jesus Christ was supposed to have his secondcoming at Rutgers Voorhees Mall…
June 11th – H1N1 hits the fan
But, He decided to resurrect at PNC Arts Center instead
Major Deaths of Summer 2009
Fast 5: Upcoming movies to expect now that Marvel sold their rights to Disney June 2
June 25
June 25
David Carradine
Farrah Fawcett
Media Journalism's Integrity and Dignity
Died doing what he loved, masturbating with a rope around his neck
June 28 Billy Mays Be honest, when you found out he did cocaine, you thought to yourself
August 6
August 25
John Ted Kennedy Hughes
“Ohh…That makes so much sense”
1. Snow White and the 7 Hulks 2. The Rescuers meet G‐Force: Are those tiny mammals fucking talking!?! 3. The Little Namor 4. One Hundred and One X‐men 5. Lilo and Galactus
Goodbye Michael Jackson Thanks for the Fun Memories
THE MEDIUM
RU FUCKED YET? Prepare to feel violated and dirty.
by Cockodile and Reverend Holyfuck Dear Incoming Freshmen, Prepare to get fucked harder than any stripper, whore, or sexy 3rd grade teacher you’ve ever known. Yes, dear sweet virgins- you have a new papa now, and he likes to sneak into your bedroom while mother’s asleep. No, my mistake; he wakes mom up and makes her watch. Ole Daddy Rutgers is about to violate you in so many ways, that you may never be able to sit down without wincing again. You may think I’m exaggerating… and I’ll admit, the daddy thing was a bit over the top but that’s beside the point. The point is Rutgers wants a piece of you, and trust me when I say- it’ll get it. This is where the RU Screw comes into play. Received financial aid, but Rutgers says you didn’t? Screw. Applied for on-campus housing and was told you could live in a hotel 30 minutes away? Screw. Banged a fugly bitch during orientation? Screw. And probably herp. I’m a senior myself, which might lead you to believe that I have become immune to the dreaded RU Screw. You obviously belong at Rutgers if you really think anyone can become immune. Instead of graduating in the Spring, I’ll be enrolling for another semester, because Rutgers said my transfer credits would be taken, but then got bored, and only let 12 of them carry over. I’m going to spend another 10 grand, at least, just to take intro classes that most of you freshmen are taking because you can’t decide whether you want to major in Communications or History. Hint: You’re fucked either way. If you’re trying to avoid the screw, don’t even bother with those assholes in the Undergrad Academics Office either. They have so much baggage in their own lives from not amounting to anything more than monkeys with a computer screens, they’ll slip you the “take your time” roofies until you wake up four years later and realize that not only did you lose your panties, but your degree will be floating somewhere out of your grasp, with a nice lump sum of around 80 grand. This is the introduction to the horrors of the RU Screw, be prepared to get it at least once. And to all the none freshmen, send in your RU Screw stories. You can’t change the past, but you can bitch about it.
Opinion
Why Bill Clinton is still the fucking man.
by Street Meat I’m still gushing over the fact that Bill Clinton saved the day last month. He proves once again why he may very well be the greatest man alive, with or without, a cigar. Clinton did what the U.S. government couldn’t… he got shit done. Clinton was able to obtain the release of two American journalists from North Korea with just his mere presence. Seriously, who else could get a pardon for two prisoners condemned to 12 years of hard labor, with simply a photo opt.? Bill fucking Clinton can. Now it’s not like anyone could have gone over to North Korea and gotten Jong-Il to give in like the last drunk girl at a frat party, because we tried to send Al Gore. And lets face it, as great of a guy as Gore is, sending him is like sending a virgin into an orgy and expecting miracles. No, Kim Jong-Il needed someone smooth, someone with experience, someone who could talk himself out of and into anything he wanted. Jong-Il needed a man with a vast knowledge of prop use. The best part of the whole thing is that in every picture taken, Jong-Il is smiling and Clinton isn’t. Why? Fuck that. Clinton was all business. It’s like Clinton went in, fucked, and then left without cuddling or leaving money on the dresser- like a true man. Something everyone can admire.
OP/ED “Never have I ever... not had sex.”
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
Editoral An editorial sent down from our Heavenly Father, the Editor-in-Chief directed to freshman and all new to the University by Cal En Hello little children. Hello and welcome to the Medium. You are probably wondering what we are which is fair I will admit, because that question weighs heavily on many minds, including those who have spent many years at the University. We are a paper of news, what one would call a “news-paper.” However our news isn’t as accurate as what one would find in the Targum. That is all right, do not worry about it. I will teach you the difference between the many papers that dot this fair university. The Targum is our “official” newspaper. They get money from the school and give you spoon-fed information on the goings-on of the administration. If their articles ever get negative it’s because someone’s threatening their funding. Also if you flip all the way to the Opinions section (the one before the crossword puzzle) you’ll be able to stare into the maw of madness. The people they get to write Opinions columns are not only the dumbest people you’ll ever meet, but they also have bad opinions. How can opinions be “bad” you may ask? You’ll find out. You pay for their paper in your term bill so go down to the registrar’s office and get your money back. Buy the beer for your next party with the money, you deserve it. There’s also the Centurion, the libertarian-retard paper. Even though they go to a public-money-funded school, they’ll go on and on about pulling oneself up by the bootstraps. They’re a bunch of morons; also their membership is made up entirely of College Republicans. Gross. Finally, there’s the Review. They’re hipsters. That’s pretty much it. There are also some “art” magazines and such that can be found, but they’re for gays, so if you read one you’ll probably get beaten up. It’s a sad fact of life but, you know. That’s how life works. So, I believe that’s all the info you’ll need on this school. At least, in reference to the sort of reading material you will be getting for those boring lectures and long, long bathroom breaks. Don’t forget to wipe and flush. In that order.
...Or You Can Always Fuck Your Way Out.
Solutions for the Chubby Wubbies by Zombie Toes Every year thousands of incoming freshman fall victim to the dreaded Freshman 15. Research has narrowed this ailment down to one cause: a 285-swipe meal plan. There are several reasons why someone would submit themselves to such a disfigurement and the most common of them being either: A) a mother’s complete lack of faith in her kid’s cooking ability or B) the fact that college turned out to be just like high school. If you fall under category A, then I think the Freshman 15 is the least of your problems. Your parents don’t even trust you to make a pack of Ramen Noodles; I doubt they think that the chemical engineering major of yours is actually going to work out. But cheer up; if your mom and dad were willing to shell out two grand just to feed your fat-ass, I’m pretty sure they’ll have no qualms when you move into the basement four years later with an art history degree. Reason B: You’re eating yourself to death because you thought college was some how going to be different than your miserable time in high school. Take a few minutes now to congratulate yourself for making it this far without shooting up a school or dying from auto-erotic asphyxiation. Look, just because the acne cleared doesn’t mean you’ve all of a sudden gained social skills. If your nickname in your hometown involved the word “creepy,” I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be long before the people in your dorm find out why. No worries though, because unlike that story about you and a hotdog- there is a remedy for this that will save you from years of humiliation and/or a personality disorder. Below are three easy steps towards a solution that even your jelly engorged body can handle: 1. Try walking. The buses are meant to get you from campus to campus, not to shuffle your whale of a being from building to building. And yes, people are judging you; not only because you’re taking up two seats on the EE but also for the fact that you got on at the College Ave Student Center and got off at Scott hall. 2. You have breakfast, lunch, and dinner- that’s it. In case this gets confusing, here’s a general rule of thumb: If no one else is eating around you, then you shouldn’t be eating either. 3. Coke. Trust me, a nose bleed is a hell of a lot better than 80 pounds of blubber.
ARTS
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
“LIVE!!!! LAUGH!!!! LOVE!!!!”
by Russian Mail-Order Bride Staff Artist
THE MEDIUM
9:00 ET
Saturday Morning Cartoons:
Fun for the whole family!!
The Powerpuff Hookers 9:30 ET
In an exciting new season, Dexter faces numerous traumatizing encounters with bullies at school, which inspires him to put his profound chemistry skills to use and solve all his troubles by becoming a meth addict!
Find out the professor’s real motive for creating the girls! Watch Bubbles and Buttercup sell their bodies in nauseating alleyways while Pimp Blossom and the professor escape to Hawaii with the profits! An Inspirational Haiku From one of our Loyal Bro Readers: Drank too much Keystone. Now I really have to pee. Torrent of yellow
Got submissions? Send ‘em to arts@themedium.net
THE MEDIUM To my professor who taught my Human Ecology class in the summer; the asbestos I inhaled in the Biological Sciences building over 6 weeks was completely worth it. I’m sorry that your hottness is wasted on chimpanzees… To the asshole sitting behind me in psych class; stop antsying around in your chair like you have ADD, stop breathing so hard like you’re masturbating, and stop texting every ten seconds. Run some fucking laps around Busch before coming to class and calm the fuck down. Next time you see a Red Bull, just put the beverage down! To the guy on the REXL with the bigass headphones on his temples: if you’re going to spend $150 on headphones put them on your fucking ears. Are you stupid? Do you think you’re some sort of cricket with earholes in special locations? Or have I just figured out how you gangsta types can listen to that crunk shit…by not actually listening to it. To the female party goer at the Biel Road bus stop Friday night with the big pink dress and the big black belt: you looked like a giant Powerpuff Girl. To the man who was standing in the bushes in the median by Lipman Hall at 2 in the morning; I highly doubt that you are going to find your manhood in those pretty flowers.... Dear Douglass Dweller with the fat, cellulitefilled legs: where in the name of ImmaculateAardvarks are your pants? Your ass is showing in all its lumpy non-glory! What. The. Hell. Ima scarred fo’ LIFE! The sight makes me want to tear my eyes out and have sex with a meat grinder while getting dragged along route 18 by a speeding truck. To the female party-goer at the Biel Road bus stop Friday night with the lime green dress: you looked like a sick, giant, glowing booger. (Can boogers get STDs? I guess we’ll find out!)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
“Personals this year will be brought to you by Spicy Caramel you sexy, sexy mo-fos...” Dear Girl Wit’ Huge Fro, do you know you have a leaf in your hair? It kinda makes your head look like a birds nest! (Its organic yo! We is going green!) To Happy Days Greaser Boy on the EE: Are you serious?! Your hair looks like it went through a flushing toilet. I’m worried you’re gonna leap up on the bus and bust out a musical number like “Greased Lightning.” To the male party-goer at the Biel Road bus stop Friday night with the tight jeans, tight pink shirt, and the backwards cap: you made me want to cry, and kick you in the groin… while crying. To the random fatass black kid who keeps making remarks behind my back- I’d love to kick you in your fat ass and watch you roll down the street but that would be a hate crime. Fuck off. (Oh come on! That would have been some real funny shit right there......) To the chick who was crying in the DCC computer lab when her stuff wouldn’t print; I think you need a lot more help than the desk attendant who works there is able to provide...
To the girl in my History of Italy’s People class; you look like a bobble head. You might wanna fix that. Dear moronic apartment dwellers; Please stop wilin’ out in da parking lot before someone busts a cap on your asses. (OH NO YOU DIDN’T! OH SNAP!) To the only three males in my Gender, Culture & Representation class; I think you have a better chance at getting laid by each other than any of those girls in the class. To my boss; I am now afraid of Danny Devito thanks to the fact that you seem to be his long lost, angrier twin. To the creepy ass Indian kid who was follwing me around at the bus stop; Yes, I recognized from last year, but clearly I don’t want to talk to you. If I see you again, I will tazer your ass...then laugh at you. To the small, ugly Hispanic man who was practically salivating out of his pick up truck window when I was walking to work; I hope immigration deports you and your 927498236 family members.
To the man who I saw sitting on the median on Route 18 on a beach chair with an umbrella; I think you might be a little confused.... To my roomate; for the love of all that is crispy, (Sounds like someone needs crunchy, and delicious! some more Wisdom Weed...) Please take a fucking To the skank at the Jameson shower already! I think I bus stop who was sitting on saw a rodent crawl out of the curb; I think I would your hair and you’ve been have done the male popula- wearing the same sweater tion of Rutgers a favor if I for 3 weeks. ran your ass over, but I like (Ew. Now that’s even nastier than the nachos commy car too much.... ment....) To the gangsta homeless To the drunk frat boy at man by Rockoff; for the last the football game; I think time no, I don’t have any you should give up trying money. I’m going to start to stand up on the bleachcharging you if you continers when you fell down the ue to ask me because clearfirst three times. You might ly, you must have some to want to perserve at least be wearing that fancy tuxsome of the few brain cells edo of yours. you have left in that thick I’m hoping that nacho I ate skull of yours.... at the football game was I think I just saw an old man actually a nacho and not an in a wheelchair pass by the appendage... EE...... To the swearing freshman who was wearing the Bob Marley t-shirt and lost his shit when he realized he missed his stop; you are an insult to all that is Bob Marley.
To the kid at the Involvemnet Fair; You loks like a chubby Keanau Reeves. Only a lot less hot. To my Gendered Body professor from the summer; CLASS ENDED A MONTH AGO! Where the fuck are my grades?! Could you be any less lazy? Really. I’d like to get some reward for subjecting myself to the torture that was your incoherent island babble. To the neanderthal who was in my summer class; I really have no idea how the hell you got into the Engineering program. Apparently they must be very desperate... To the asshole who ran out in front of my car and then decided to freeze; What. The. Fuck. Are you a deer? To the guy on George Street on the motorized wheelchair with the music, lights, and spinning umbrella; WTF? Are you a Disney Ride? To all freshmen, you actually are handling your buses quite well. Thank you for moving to the back without being told and for holding on to the poles and not the straps and for taking your back pack off the seat when I get on. A- so far. (Yeah, wait until they get drunk on the bus for the first time and turn into little assholes.) (Maybe he just wants to be FRIENDS....) To the Russian guy at the Rutgers Student Center; you should consider not talking so loudly next time to your gay male friend. You scared everyone away with your accent...
To the whiny bitch at the Douglass Greeter Orientation; no on cares about your shitty weave. Its WEAVE! Its shitty anyway! To the black guy I saw hanging out at the Livinston Sudent Center bus top; you look like an extra out of The Fresh Prince of BelAir with your crazy colored suit and flat top hair cut. (Maybe the 80’s is coming back! Again...shit man...) To the kid who I saw hanging out in front of the Busch campus post office; you looked like a drunken superhero with you hoodie tied around your neck... To the scary religious preacher-ish man who was outside of Brower Commons; No, in fact I do not want to get into heaven. Now fuck off. To the annoying Asian kid who was at the fries place complaining that his soda wasn’t cold enough; Stop being a whiny little faggot and just drink it already. If you haven’t seen Empire Records, then fuck you. If you have, then fuck me. (Applies to females only, apply at the information desk) To all girls, I put out this every year and I never get any nibbles but it doesn’t hurt to be persistent, so here we go... Male/40/Black (Now white after the accident) looking for female who is in to furry, naruto, and Power Ranger hentai/fetishes and who also enjoys miracle whip placed in her nasal passages. I have money...lots...ever hear of Microsoft? I designed Word. Please date me. Please?
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
PERSONALS
“This page brought to you by Satanic Yoda, as always motherfuckers.”
Dear fellow hateful Lippincott residents (and the medium). I want to thank all of you for providing me every Wednesday with very funny and entertaining, but so true personals. I challenge the Medium to find in the future the quantity and quality of personals provided by the 2008-2009 Lippincott residents. So thanks again to all you haters and angry (FML type) motherfuckers. (The gauntlet has been thrown down! Which dorm will step up and be the most dysfunctional dorm this year? You’ve got some pretty damn big shoes to fill.) To the thieving hardcore/ crustpunk kids who showed up at our Ag-Field day party and ate our fruit and vegetables: perhaps you should get off all that fucking smack and stop drinking our beer before trying to fight off the scurvy. To my old boss: you have to be the most incompetent and dishonest scumbag that I’ve ever worked for. Your company sucks because you have no fucking idea how to manage it and you regularly cheat us out of money we’ve earned. Your stupidity rivals that of Michele Bachmann. Go choke. To just about everyone I used to work with: you all fucking fail. I fucking hated having to pick up slack for all of you lazy dipshits and none of you had that god damn courtesy to help me out when I needed it. Thanks for nothing, assholes. I hope you all die by bleeding out of your dicks. Hey little kid on the second floor of Lippincott with the glasses and your everyday red hoody. You are entirely too fuckin annoying. The sound of your voice scares everybody away, in fact your presence in general is just disturbing. Stop trying so hard to act cool and walking around with that group of people who you obviously follow because there is no way anyone could put up with your annoying 13 year old self. STOP CREEPING around the other floors!
Yo, Centurion! Nobody gives a flying fuck about anything you have to say. Outside of a few whackjob professors, no one even knows that you even exist In fact, you fucks lied through your teeth on the cover of your first issue: exactly what kind of hell have you raised? Not even the Targum noticed your whole thing about trying to arm RU students and one of you cock-munchers appearing in the Centurion holding a gun. Way to make yourself look like the fucking white trash that you all are. To the Centurion (again): Oh, did you notice that THE MEDIUM is listed by Forbes as an official CAMPUS MEDIA source, along with the Targum and RUTV, but the Centurion is not? Suck on that, dickheads. (OUCH! Want some ice for that burn, tards?) To every guy out there, stay away from the platinum blonde haired slut that lives across the hall from me. You will get an STD. (Thanks for the heads up, and just to be safe I’ll avoid you too.) to the tallest & biggest motherfucker who decided to stand in front of me during the motion city soundtrack set at RU fest, you need a fucking biohazard cleanup team to wash off your rank stank - you would think the rain would dull it down! but no, the best part is you decided to mosh into my face with your armpit. smelled like fucking roses. (As gross as that is, you epic fail for trying to watch Motion City Soundtrack. Only cry-baby emo-fags and 12 year olds listen to that shit.) Dear Freshman, will you all PLEASE shut the fuck up at night? It’s enough to hear everyone screaming their fucking lungs out on Thursday-Saturday nights when I’m trying to hit my bong in peace and I have to listen to you scream about how drunk/stupid you are. Either do something really interesting, like get run over by a car, or STFU!!!
To the targum. You fucking idiots. Your cover article was about how the university is planning on banning credit card companies from coming on campus or something like that. I wouldn¹t know, I didn¹t read it. However, when I did pick up the paper and opened it, an advertisement for a fucking credit card was nestled in the pages..... (Our very first submission of the year! And rather insightful...don’t get used to it guys.) to the bitch who tans way too much and lives across the hall from me. You’ve fucked every guy in Zeta Psi and i hate hearing about it. You ate out your ex asian friend/pet and everyone knew about it. You pretend like you smoke but you’re just subduing your oral fixation. Every guy in the world has ran a train on you, and if you keep on tanning you will look like your black ex-roommate. Your vag is like fucking a jar of mayonnaise and you do lines of coke on your asian friend’s cunt. Your sister has her clit pierced and the two of you look like a pair of oompa loompas.
THE MEDIUM
WELCOME BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!
A word from your Personals Editor, Satanic Yoda... Another year of school, drunken rampages, and enough faggy frat boys to turn on Richard Simmons means that it’s time for The Medium to kick back in to full swing! To those of you who don’t know, this page is totally (well, at least supposed to be), TOTALLY READER-SUBMITTED. That means, in a perfect world where all of you lazy fucks actually submit personals, this page will be all about you!!! The only thing that we ask of you is that you follow a few simple rules: 1. NO REAL NAMES! This should be obvious, and no one wants to get into a slander or libel lawsuit, us included. 2. ALL PERSONALS MUST BE 90 WORDS OR LESS! If you haven’t noticed, RU students have very short attention spans, and no one wants to read your stupid ramblings. Get to the fucking point already. 3. NOTHING ILLEGAL! Don’t tell us about how you beat up all those assholes at that frat party last week, we aren’t sure if RUPD reads this or not... 4. ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE FROM AN EDEN ACCOUNT! Don’t worry, we have better things to do than reveal the names of our submitters. Your dirty little secrets are safe with us (that’d be pretty fucked up if they weren’t) :-).
Now that that’s out of the way, start fucking submitting!!! Personals@TheMedium.net To Voorhees 2nd floor, I Shout out to the kid who hate all you fuckers and I needs to quit playing bass, cannot wait until I never the homo who spends his have to see your faces whole life playing guitar again. To the kid who alhero METALLICA OHHways sings in the hallways, HH YEAHHHH!, and the (Things like this are what I this is not fucking Glee neurotic psycho who bugs love seeing.) Club, you sound like shit. out every time he gets a To the annoying pre-lecture To your fucking rich bitch B+ on a quiz. Fuck you all. yapping bitch in my logic of a roommate, take your to my stoner friends: please 201 class.. Shut your fuck- gay ass Backstreet Boys wisen up and stop smoking ing rotting pie hole before haircut and go back to Can- so many blunts.. it wastes i cock slap you and knock cun. While your at it, bud and money and is you out with its enormity. tell your girlfriend to go superfluous. i dont know Thanks buy a pair of pants that why its gotta be blunt blunt don’t look like she took a (Anyone else see the irony blunt all the time, it doesnt dump in them; she should in saying “Thanks” after make us "gangsta" also work on those love-handles threatening to cock slap don't ask me to throw fives too while she is at it; maysomeone?) on it when your bluntbe just go up a pant size rolling skills are way under There once was a school and acknowledge where par. called Rutgers, that one you belong. day got too full of niggers, to barack obama: grow a And to the girl from Voorthey stole our bikes and fucking pair already and fucked our dykes, and now hees who peed in the hallbitch-slap the repulbs like a way; no one forgot. Every the school has gone to the red-headed stepchild. time I see you I laugh and shitter. Alrighty, you’ve finthink about what a disgustTo all the retarded freshished reading the Perman in Intro to Philosophy: ing whore you are. No one sonals, NOW FUCKis going to forget anytime just because I’m smarter ING SUBMIT! soon. than all of you combined To the teabagging tax-prodoesn’t mean you need to resent me, especially since testors: you can suck my PERSONALS@THEballs anytime. Well, those the rest of you are too MEDIUM.NET of you with teeth can. retarded to say anything whatsoever. Next time I’m (So, in other words, none of Until next week... shoving my foot in your ass them?)
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, September 9th, 2009
“Michael J. Fox”
Still Shakin: DREAMCAST
What’s Shakin’? An Editorial from The Cocktopus.
Students of this beloved university, I ask you, at this very moment, evaluate your lives. If only for a moment, and if only in some small way, stop, and think about the flow of the river instead of it’s depth. Do not only walk through the forest with the wind behind your back, but stand with your feet beneath you while the world turns without restraint. Remember, we are students; it is our occupation to learn. The sands of time may flow through the eternal hourglass, but our words remain strong throughout the ages. We are as one when we are many, and this year is the year that the many will rise with the tides of the day, however, ask yourself again: What truly is, Shakin’?
Dreamcast! Fuck yes. In case you didn’t know, Dreamcast came out ten years ago, TODAY. With such hits as House of the Dead 2, Marvel vs. Capcom 2, Powerstone 2, and Hooker 2, the Dreamcast was a titan of the gaming world...until people realized you could burn the games onto regular CD-Rs and get everything for free. Fuck. Oh well, shit’s still awesome, go get wasted and play Dreamcast all night with your brosephs, brohagen.
Micro F-150 Presents:
JOCK JAMS