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september 13th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue I 50¢ WHITE PEOPLE
WHITE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE F R A N T I C A L LY G E T R I D O F THEIR TIKI TORCHES MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
QUICKIES
Kyle Flood Fucking Drowns I Should Never Have Voted For Donald Trump
CHARLOTTESVILLE— T h e summer in Charlottesville quickly turned tense as Nazi’s, the KKK, and white nationalists stormed the town in demonstration against the removal of a confederate statue of Robert E. Lee. The skin cancerprone group of people took to the streets with lit up Tiki torches to resemble old school angry mobs. "Tiki Brand is not associated in any way with the events that took place in Charlottesville and are deeply saddened and disappointed," the company said in a statement. "We do not support their message or the use of our products in this way." It is because of all this negative attention that white people everywhere feel to cleanse their backyards of their
It's Not IT'S TIME TO STOP Fucking Residents throwing away their Tiki torches Spooky Tiki torches as to not give other whatchamacallits. If people see people the wrong idea. We me with Tiki torches, the blacks Time asked Billy Bob, a local as to would get the wrong idea of why he was getting rid of his me.” torches. Billy was very confident in his Double “I don’t wanna be lumped decision and we watched him Check in with all them racists and Continued on Page 2 KKK and them white nationalYourself JINGLE BELLS Before You St. Peter’s University Hospital Double Wreck t o R i n g B e l l E v e r y T i m e a Yourself Child Dies Having patients, receive the best care and No Power safety we are able to provide,” chief physician Anita Farehar Sucks, All said. “To provide ourselves with a constant reminder of the You Can importance of our jobs, we have installed a massive chamber Do Is Text hall filled only with a single, hung, 20-ton bronze bell that and Drive will be rung for every child we lose under our care. The bell was specially designed to be Service heard from up to a mile away, so that any off-duty physicians Dogs Don't will be able to hear the bell. In their care. Hospital doctors and addition, the bell will be heard Give a Shit administrators held an emotion- from High Points Stadium, so NEW BRUNSWICK — As filled press conference early this that football fans will receive About You of next week, St. Peter’s morning announcing the new CAILLOU LOVES CHILDREN
University Hospital will ring a 20-ton church bell for every child that passes away under
a gentle reminder of how life initiative. provides us with both happiness “It is our civil duty to ensure Continued on Page 2 patients, especially child
EATING ASS Since 1970
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NEWS
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"Just fuck me huh"
GAME OF BONES
GEORGE R. R. MARTIN’S SISTER FEELS A BIT CONCERNED ABOUT LEVEL OF INCEST IN “GAME OF THRONES” BOOKS SUE DENIMM SENIOR ANALIST
SAN ANTONIO— Janet Martin, sister of George R. R. Martin, famous author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” series, says she feels a little bit conflicted in how some of the characters were portrayed. “The books that he has written are so incredible. I am amazed at how he has created such a vast universe of sprawling landscapes, complicated political systems, and intricate character interactions through detailed story lines. I did feel a little strange about all the incest though” said Mrs. Martin. The books, which have been adapted to the award winning television show “Game of Thrones”, are known to have somewhat less conventional relationships. Many fans have admitted that while this was a bit jarring at first, they have grown to love and accept these characters for what they are. “Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love Jaime. I mean he’s a great character. And his arc is fantastic. But did he have to have sex with his sister so many times?” asked Mrs. Martin.
Mr. R. R. Martin has said that when he was writing the books, he drew inspiration from his own life experiences. “All of the characters that I write are specifically written the way that they are so that the events can play out exactly as I need them. Sometimes this means characters do some unsavory things. That doesn’t mean I necessarily condone doing those things” said Mr. Martin. The television show on HBO has been criticized in the past for showing graphic scenes involving rape and murder, but despite this has been growing more popular each year, reaching record ratings for the season seven finale this summer. “As a kid, George would always tell me how much he loved me. Sometimes my friends thought it was really weird, especially when I was a teenager” said Mrs. Martin. “I had a completely normal relationship with all of my family members growing up. Why do you ask?” said George. Game of Thrones comes back in 2018, and George has promised it will feature even more of Jaime, Cersei, Danaerys, and Jon Snow in the upcoming season.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR VOICE ISN'T BEING PROPERLY REPRESENTED? DO YOU WANT TO FEEL LIKE YOU ARE MORE SIGNIFICANT THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE YOU PIECE OF SHIT? COME TO THE MEDIUM AT THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM RM. 411B AND RAISE YOUR SELF ESEEM IN A MORE PRODUCTIVE WAY!
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
FUCKING LIBERALS
TORCH ME
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throw away all 10 of his torches as he proudly hung the confederate flag in his backyard. On the other side of the spectrum there are people who seem to not be giving into the hysteria. They believe that Tiki torches are very versatile pieces of equipment and are hesitant to to get rid of them no matter what kind of negative image it might give them. We asked Sara Coleman why she is holding onto her Tiki torch even after
the recent events that have unfolded. “My Tiki torch is special to me. It represents who I am as an american you know? If I want to carry around an outdated object that can be easily misconstrued as a symbol of hate it’s my god given right.” It’s very apparent that there are people on both sides of this issue that feel very strongly about their side.
IT'S FUCKING CHRISTMAS
SAVED BY THE BELL
and sadness, and we must learn to take both in dignified stride. Teresa Mayflower, mother of a recently passed four-year-old, has been a strong component in the implementation of this initiative. “Ever since little Matty passed, bless his heart; I knew I had to do all I can to prevent anyone else from having to go through this pain. Initially I wanted to help promote affordable healthcare options, encourage people to follow health and safety practices, and work on changing the health
...continued from front
industry’s capitalistic mindset. Eventually, I realized that all these tasks were impossible, so I singlehandedly designed and built the 20-ton bell, and dragged it 53 to St. Peters, including through the Raritan. Thankfully, I was able to get my boyfriend to build the chamber hall, ‘cause that would’ve been too much for me.” There have been multiple outspoken critics of the bell, but all were quickly shunned by people who do not like children dying.
RU A STUDENT?
LOCAL FRESHMAN UNSURE IF HE EVEN GOES TO THIS SCHOOL SUE DENIMM LATEST STATISTIC
NEW BRUNSWICK—As the fall semester kicks back into gear, upperclassmen collectively brace themselves for the oncoming storm they know will consume them. For freshman, this storm can be less menacing and more mind-numbingly confusing. “I just feel like no one in any position of authority in this institution has any record of me attending this school,” says freshman Joey Rodriguez, who isn't sure he's officially registered at the University. “I went to my first day of classes and none of my professors took attendance, so I’m not sure I’m in the right ones. How do I even News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
check that?” Many freshman get caught in the same struggles as Rodriguez, finding difficulty navigating Rutgers websites. “Sakai? What the fuck is Sakai? Is that where my teachers have been posting the homework? I just thought the professors forgot to assign it. Why the fuck isn’t it called Rutgers homework site or something? I feel like I’m going crazy.” Authorities at the university have admitted that while the system may be a bit confusing at first, they assured all new students that they will get used to working with it within a few weeks. “I don’t think that I will ever Continued on Page A7 Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Freshman on the Bus
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. Dedicated to all the people trying to survive life, but doing a poor job, because their parents don't love them because their parents had them too young, but can you blame them? It was high school, they couldn't just get an abortion, their parents can't go for that.
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 13th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
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“French street might as well be called Mexican street”
¿QUE?
Foreign parents let hallmark card do the talking for son’s 18th birthday
DICKSTICKS
How to Eat a Breadstick on the Bus Without Having it Look Like You’re Sucking a Dick Step 1: Don’t do it.
People are staring and judging you and probably taking a Snapchat video of you with a surprisingly witty caption, so just put the stick of bread down and no one gets hurt. That goes for every dick shaped foods too. Hot dogs, popsicles, carrots. It’s not worth it.
DIRTY SLUT SUCKS AND FUCKS RANDOM PIZZA
STUCK, STUCK, GOOSE
Top 4 Ways to Use Tape 1. To strap your batteries to your remote control after you somehow lose its back 2. To reattach a severed dollar after a night of stripping 3. To put over an uncooperative hostage’s mouth 4. To hang up a poster By: Ben Dover
HURRICANT
UMIAMI FAILS TO REALIZE IRONY IN TEAM MASCOT
In this film, I found the actress, Sexi Haze, to be unbelieavable - and not in the good way. I mean, yes, I understand she’s a dirty slut and would probably put out pretty easily, but in the first two minutes? Come on, I doubt it. Haze is a total catch, if you like the slutty, gold-digging type, who definitely has sex at least five times a week - why would she waste her time on some random pizza delivery guy? Sure, his name Hugh Johnson must’ve caught her eye, but wasn’t she hungry for her recently purchased pizza? It just didn’t make any sense. The visuals were okay and I did enjoy the surprise dog cameo, but overall I was unimpressed. Sexi Haze? More like Sexi Laze. 4.3/10
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
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“Call me cupid!”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How Was Your First Week of School?
“I finally get to see partially nude girls that aren’t my sister.” Bobby Smith Likes girls.
“I joined future overqualified-stayat-home-moms club and I feel like I found where I truly belong.”
Chrissy Horowitz Plans to marry a pre-med and ride it out.
“I learned what buttchugging is!” Curt Hampton Former high school mascot.
DAYS FOR DAYS
THERE SHOULD BE MORE SUNDAYS IN THE WEEK BY BRADLEY PEPPERDINE
There’s something brusk and terrorizing about the realization that a new week is coming. As the sun sets on Saturday night, sensations of anxiety press relentlessly against my soul until the dawn of every Sunday morning. Then the agonizing reality that the next day brings a weeks worth of monotonous tasks, shakes my inner core with a feeling of dread that makes me feel the most alive. And that feeling should definitely not be limited to only 24 hours a week. I propose that we add at least one more Sunday to the days of the week, particularly after Monday and before Tuesday. If there were two Sundays, there would be two times the opportunity to be hung over the metaphorical precipice, double the heartwrenching inquietude that envelops me, and in a sense comforts me.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
LEARN THE LANGUAGE OR GET OUT, BY JIM
Milo, I fucking love you, but there’s one thing that really pisses me off about you. You’ve been a lovely dog for the last twelve years, but even after all that time in this place, you still haven’t bothered to learn the language. It’s just fucking absurd. You fucking live in this country, you benefit from this country, the least you could do is learn fucking English. By now you could have had a fluency in English, instead you don’t even speak a single word of it. Every single thing out of your mouth is just bark after bark. Learn our language, you fucking mutt. It’s fucking disgusting that you don’t know anything. And I just know you’re going to have a fucking litter, and that they won’t bother learning English either, you god damn freeloaders. You know what? Until you learn some English, Milo, you’re not getting any service here. That’s right, no food, no walks, no belly rubs. Nothing, you god damn dirty animal. Counterpoint: Bárk By Milo Bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk. Bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk. bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk. bárkbárkbárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk bárk. Rŭff rŭff rŭffrŭffrŭff bárkbárkbárk rŭff bárkrŭff bárkrŭff bárkrŭff bárk
SWEET NOTHINGS
A SMALL OPINION: USING “FUN-SIZED” TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF IT IS 2017! IF YOU REFER TO YOURSELF AS FUN SIZED, YOU NEED TO UPDATE YOUR REPERTOIRE OF SMALL TALK OR GROW A PERSONALITY. NO PERSON WHO EXPECTS TO BE TREATED AS A RESPECTABLE ADULT SHOULD DESCRIBE THEMSELVES THE WAY A MAJOR CANDY COMPANY MARKETS A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE THAT IS FRANKLY TOO SMALL TO BE FULLY ENJOYED. THAT’S A WRAP.
GOT FREE TIME? GOT FREE FOOD? COME TO A MEETING ON WEDNESDAYS IN CASC 411B FOR A WHOLE LOT OF FUN. OR ON A MONDAY IN LSC 117D.
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Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
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ARTS
“Have you been dissapointed by the buses yet?”
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“IN CASE OF INJURY” BY SELF MEDICATED STUDENT
“BRAVE SURFER” BY DUMB SURFER
“METAMORPHASIS” BY DJ SNAKE
JOIN THE MEDIUM! MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 8PM LOCATION? CHECK OUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE FACEBOOK.COM/RUTGERSMEDIUM AND SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. I WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT. “HONEST REVIEW” BY AN HONEST GUY
“FUN TO PLAY WITH AND TO EAT” BY DICK OF THE WEEK
PERSONALS
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“We’re BACK (A Dinosaur’s Tale).”
Screw Loose
HADGS
Freaky Tiki
I joined the Rutgers Formula One team to find the elusive RU-Screw. (Honestly, after four years you will learn that the true RU-Screw was the friends we made along the way.) Why are you the way that you are? (Hey I just got here. Though, mainly I would chalk my problems up to my childhood being spent bouncing on my head and a steady diet of paint-chips.)
How was your summer?
Why did my frat throw away all our tiki torches?
Oh my god! The buses around here are so packed how does anyone ride them? (Don’t worry, the mass of people who just give up after the third week will cut the bus population in half.) Should I feel self consious that the sunscreen stains on my clothes look like cum stains? (yes.)
(What do you mean? We only print during the school year, I’m pretty much in suspended animation for three months... so it was short.) Why is the food so much worse now compared to when I first visited? Is there a reason for that? (Ha! You think this odd? Just wait until the week the parents come to visit. Two words, ‘eatable’ ‘shrimp’.) Whats with all these girls putting their Venmos on fucking Tinder? I’m here to smash, not make a sizable donation. (First off, good luck with that. Secondly, if I could use my good looks and charm to pinch pennies off lonley men, then hell yeah I would throw myself into that pit. You gotta respect the hussle.)
THESE COMPUTERS DON’T HAVE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
(Despite this being a joke, I’m going to imagine that there is one soul who hasn’t watched the news in months.) Is the show ‘Black Dynamite’ super racist? (Huh... I really don’t know. Just go “OOOH-EEEE” to any black guy you see and guage their raction.) I can barely understand my professor due to his super thick accent. Please help me I need to pass this class! (That’s the big secret about STEM classes, it isn’t sexism keeping people out, it’s horribly rough english.)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
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QOTD
“If at first you don’t succeed, quit before it gets marked as a ‘W’.” -Howard F. Sakai
The Black House
Ploop
I just realized I’m living RU? More like R-Poo. my uncle’s worst night- The pun of using R-U Is there any bar around mare, living in a house as a preposition comes here where some jackass with all black people. from the english language won’t try to grab your (The bizarre part is he’s question,”Are you ____?”. ass? This question, indicating if black himself.) (Not really, I’d recommend I want to join the Rutgers an individual is prepared lining your pants with a Young Republicans, but for a given result, has been barbed wire mesh and hope I can’t seem to find their used by Rutgers University (whose commomly for the best.) room anywhere? Will freshman ever learn (Just follow the whitest, fat- abbreviated as R.U.) as how to drink properly? test, least attractive kid you promotional material for can find. Can I get some various campus services, (Judging by how I see hate mail now please?) as the english letters R and “adults” around here U are the same phoneticaldrink... no, they never will.) I miss all my high school ly as the words “are” and friends. We had all been “you”.) Yo, Rick and Morty is through so much togeBritish accents are overamazing. ather and had so much rated. (I know right?! No joke fun that it’s hard to leave (Oy, say that to me cobber here, just go watch that shit them behind. ya bint.) now.) (Go screw yourself Stacy Why the FUCK did Rut- we all talked behind your Who’s tryna get married? gers give me a parking back.) pass for Busch when Who actually lives in (From my experience, pretI live on College Ave? that new Jewish dorma- ty much any woman over the age of 30.) I have to take a bus to tory? [the hangloose emoji].... reach my car, which de- (...Jews?) feats the purpose of hav- Excited for Christmas! I literally this guy just sent me the hangloose emoji. ing a car in the firstplace. can seriously not wait! I payed $300 for this (Bitch, we still got Co- How am I supposed to bullshit, FUCK YOU! lumbus Day, Halloween, work with this? (I’ll tell you what I learned Daylight Savings, Veter- (Seriously, what do they my Sophmore year, live off ans Day, Thanksgiving, expect me to write? Some and whenever Chaunnaka crap about surfing? About campus.) is. Hold your horses for at life on the beach? News Flash: we pray for people least until Oct. 25.) Pussy Destroyer Why can’t I just hit every to drown every summer. It gives us locals something to My cat walked over my freshman with my car? talk about.) laptop and fucking broke (Man I wish, but with veit. Like how does a little hicular manslaughter be- Anyone want a free pair cat break a computer ing the new fad for terrorist of shoes? just putting its cute little groups Rutgers has all the (Free parachute? Fuck paws over it? guard post things up. Wait yeah! Wait hold on, is it until the spring when the pre-packed? Do I need to (Screw what people think, new terrorism craze is out, pack it myself? That shit is cats are the worst. I’d take expensive you know.) then you can go for it.) the world’s worst dog over the world’s best cat.)
Ladies Night
Wednesday, September 13th, 2017
PAGE A7
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The Medium takes a ride a fresh face in the auto industry this season.
Local dad Diesel Carson announced last month that he has finally certified himself to repair any car. After 10 years of practice, he claims to be one of the best mechanics of all time, and he took time out of his “fast and furious” schedule to be interviewed: Reporter: When did you become interested in car repair? Diesel: After I totaled my third car, right before my eighteenth birthday, I prayed to my vehicular god and vowed that I would never allow another young driver to suffer my same fate. I soon realized that I was the vehicular god I so revered, and that I don’t give a shit about other people. Reporter: Interesting, can you give me your thoughts on-----Diesel: Right so after 2 years, I successfully changed my first tire and it lasted for over 40 miles! That’s when I knew I was destined to be the greatest car mechanic of all time. I then did what all skilled people do. I Locked myself in my basement and watched YouTube videos pertaining to car repair. Reporter: OK, so----Diesel: Actually, I usually watched cats playing piano. Have you seen that shit? Fucking adorable. But occasionally I did watch car repair videos. And in that time, I learned more about cars than anyone ever has about anything ever. Reporter: How many cars have you worked on? Diesel: Whoa, I didn’t say I worked on them yet. I have to save these godly hands for the real deal. When Jesus comes back I plan to pimp out his Mercedes, and until then I’ll keep working on my Hot Wheels collection for good practice. Reporter: Wow, you certainly have an intriguing style. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me. Diesel: Wow, this interview sucked. If only I studied interviewing skills instead of car repair, this interview would’ve been off the chain. Now get the fuck out so I can watch these musical kittens.
From Your Future Desccendant, Bill I don't have a brother. Oh, how many siblings do you have? He asks nonchalantly. One I say, trying to avoid the following conundrum. He leans himself forward, I can feel the alcohol on his dimly lit breath. Brothers? He asks. No, I say. Oh. I dont have a brother, I say. Yeah I dont have a brother either. He says. I once knew him. Serene. We are now brotherly. A thetan comes from above. He is firm. He says. I am your mother. This is your brother. Aretwedy. This is not my brother, I say. I don't have a brother, I say. I am your brother, you are my mother. Says Aretwedy. We walk side by side. I don’t have a brother, I say. *I Don’t Have A Brother, I say. Oh. Says Aretwedy COME TO OUR MEETINGS ROOM 411B CASC WEDNESDAYS 7:45-8:45 FUCKERS
DAMN FRESHMEN DO I EVEN GO HERE?
...continued from news
understand this place. I keep trying to get food but my Rutgers ID doesn’t work, so I’ve just been eating people’s scraps that they live on the top of the garbage cans. But they’re top up, I’m not disgusting” Alyssa Rowen, who works at the ID registration office, says that she gets many people who are frustrated with the system, but that it usually works out for most people. “Most come in with issues about their RU Express not working, or that their name is misspelled on their ID. We don’t actually have any record of Mr. Rodriguez though. I just kind of took his picture and gave him an ID. I mean he said he goes here, am I really meant to check through a list of 35,000 people?” said Mrs. Rowen. President Barchi issued a statement to everyone that feels like they are just lost in the paperwork of the Rutgers not to get overwhelmed, and if you feel like you are not even a member of this school, just keep paying tuition and it’ll all work out.
My Dog Got Dewormed and Now He Has Autism By: A Concerned Mother My vet told me my dog had to get dewormed. Now I, as a new pet owner, was clueless about deworming. And I know that the reason my dog is different is because of the shot that the liberal agenda coerced me into giving to my dog. Before the deworming my puppy was active, he swam, he chased after birds, now he does all those things, but with autism. I pray that the public will recognize the devastating effect deworming has on our doges and end this slimy money making scheme. Amen.
September 13th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com DEATH BELOW THE BELT
RUTGERS LACROSSE PLAYER OVERDOSES ON PUSSY THROB LOWE THICKER THAN LONG
NEW BRUNSWICK— Rutgers freshman lacrosse player Chad Martin was found dead in his dorm room on Sunday morning, and the police are ruling the death as an overdose on pussy. This marks the fourth death of its kind at the university over the past three years. Teammate and senior Brett Thompson initially found Martin when he didn’t show up to practice. He said “When Chad didn't show I figured he was too hungover and went to go get him, but when the RA let me into his room I was totally shook.” Thompson declined to elaborate on the matter, but Stonier Hall resident advisor Jenna Mcintyre said Martin was “found face down in the lap of a girl that lived across the hall.” Both parties were unconscious, and Martin was
When tragedy falls in your lap... Rutgers freshman found dead with mouthful of clit
unresponsive to efforts by paramedics. The university plans to respond to the event strongly, by requiring athletes to take a course in the safety of eating pussy in moderation. University president
Robert Barchi said “The events of this weekend truly have taken a toll on the university. It has become clear to us that there is an issue with the culture of our community, and we will be
taking steps to fix that.” The course will consist of a three hour interactive set of videos, where Rutgers athletes will learn how to enjoy pussy responsibly, much like the existing modules for alcohol consumption and sexual situations. The lacrosse team will be postponing practice for the next two weeks to allow players to process the tragedy. Team captain Mark Jordan said "I believe the team will hurt for a while, but ultimately it will motivate us to win at this sport that gets us super laid, despite low viewership among more popular NCAA Sports." Students who feel seriously affected by the events of the weekend can seek counseling at any university student center until further notice.
FANTASY OWNERS STRUCK BY SUSPENSION
Zeke Owners Suddenly Ok with Domestic Violence
RAYMOND RICEARONI DELICIOUS AND FILL-
LAS VEGAS—Football has finally begun, and people who drafted Ezekiel Elliot in their fantasy leagues are up in arms, and suddenly ok with domestic violence. After his ex-girlfriend’s allegations of domestic violence last summer, the running back has been awaiting his fate in the eyes of the law and the league. After months of delegation the NFL decided to suspend Elliot for six games, without pay. “I can’t believe this” said Derek Johnston “That girl’s story was all over the place. She’s probably doing it to get money out of him. The nerve of some people taking advantage of their position like that. Deplorable.”
Ex-girlfriends aren't the only ones taking hits this season NFL to crack on domestic violence, fuck fantasy owners
The league’s reaction is making a big statement, that they’re finally ready to crack down on players for abusing their above average physical stature off the field. In a press conference commissioner Roger Goodell
said “No longer will players be allowed to get off scot free anymore. Allegations of domestic violence will now result in a minimum four game suspension, possibly without pay.” After the press event the
#THANKYOUTAKER SInce 1970
message was clear; if a player can’t manage their aggression against those dwarfed by their size, they’re risking a month without pay. One group is not ok with Goodell’s decision, fantasy owners. Deron Collins, commissioner of his league, said “This is the last straw. If the NFL is going to hurt our teams over silly allegations like this, we won’t play anymore.” Even Giants fans who drafted Elliot are outraged. Die-hard New York sports fan Ryan Buchanon said “I hate the Cowboy’s more than anyone, and even I’m mad. How am I supposed to beat my fatherin-law next week without Zeke? I'm screwed. It’s like the league doesn’t even care about it’s fans.”