This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
september 20th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue II 50¢ RU SHKREW
MARTIN SHKRELI BECOMES NEW HEAD OF FINANCIAL AID OFFICE MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
NEW BRUNSWICK— M o s t students who attend Rutgers University New Brunswick should have noticed that their term bill was slightly larger this semester than it has been in the previous terms. This is just the most recent of price hikes in the cost of attending Rutgers that have been happening steadily over the past few years. This is all due to a quiet but not hidden change of administration within Rutgers financial services. Martin Shkreli, former head of Turing Pharmaceuticals. Some of you may remember Martin from his latest scandal which involved hiking the price of a lifesaving drug for individuals with HIV/AIDS from $13.50 per pill to $750. It was at this exact moment that
WELCOME HOME Martin Shkreli accepting his position at Rutgers University
Rutgers knew they had to get him on the team. Anyone who could screw over individuals who didn’t really deserve it that hard, could really put some sting behind that whole RU screw our administration is so proud of. Shkreli laid out a very
detailed 20 year plan for dealing with Rutgers tuition and how we handle our other financial services. A very keystone feature of this plan included forcing students to obtain a ‘cupanion’
QUICKIES
Rutgers Hosting Tryouts For Dean Of Rutgers Pat Hobbs Does a Kegstand After Our first Victory Kevin Jonas went To Rutgers
Brothers at Skullhouse Find new Continued on Page 2 Found love BACKPACK BACKPACK For LandT h e B a g s e t t e r : P r o f i l e o f a Scaping M a n W h o K e e p s t h e W o r l d a Business School B a c k p a c k ’ s L e n g t h A w a y To start freshman at Rutgers University, The first has taken a stance against the overly personal culture we live Ever antiin and places his backpack on the seat adjacent to him, preventing Stabbing students from ever getting close to him. “It’s a protest of Emergency sorts,” David said as he pulled up the Fight Club soundtrack Drill CAILLOU LOVES CHILDREN
NEW BRUNSWICK — In a world where society is constantly berated with social media posts dripping with sentimentality, ads designed to
stir up deep-seated memories, and people just looking to create a meaningful connection with another human, there is one man who refuses to move his backpack. David Michaels, an 18-year-old
on his iPhone 7. “I just need to go against society’s concepts of ‘kindness’ and ‘decency’ and ‘awareness,’ and create this sort of art out of the frustration of innocent Rutgers students.” And it’s undeniable that David is incredibly skilled at his art form. We got to watch a performance of his, and he was just stellar. When he gets
Olde Queens Turns away Elderly Cross Continued on Page 2 Dressers
SATISFACTORY Since 1970
the Medium
NEWS
"All the prince that's new to fit"
Wednesday, September 20th, 2017
themedium.news@gmail.com
WHAT THE FUCK IS A SAL...AD?
NOT A SINGLE FOOD IS GOOD FOR YOU, NEW RESEARCH SUGGESTS FOOD MAN CHEW SENIOR ANALIST
OXFORD, U.K.— A series of studies recently conducted at the Oxford University Health and Nutrition Center revealed a shocking fact; that despite decades of studies advocating the consumption of fruits, vegetables, and proteins in moderation for a balanced diet, none of these foods are in fact healthy at all. Despite reports over the last few years praising the health benefits of foods like Greek yogurt, dark chocolate, wheatgrass, ginger toot, and agave, consumers can no longer trust their safety, and are recommended to avoid them at all costs. This research took place after years of published studies which had already condemned all forms of red meats, corn syrups, and non-legume milk products just to name a few. The study
DISGUSTING- If you've eaten in the past 24 hours, you will die a gruesome death
involved force-feeding excessive amount of so-called ‘health foods’ such as kale, acai berry, and flax seeds via a funnel. In each case, however, involuntary participants began convulsing or experiencing unexpected
INCONSIDERATE
$5000 FOR PAT HOBBS HAIR
SOMEBODY CALL DORA on a bus, he heads straight to the back, often shoving smaller students to the side, and throws his backpack on the seat closest to the window before gracefully landing on the aisle seat. His technique was incredible, but his true brilliance shines through in his interactions with others. When asked to move, he’ll often spectacularly dodge the request by pretending to listen to Martin Shkreli’s “This Week in Investing” podcast. This often leaves the other feeling cold, helpless, and shunned. Though sometimes, a student will be bold enough to persevere and even tap David on the
fecal release. This mirrors a similar study conducted by the University of Phoenix which concluded the health risks of eating solid foods, wherein strapped-down participants had difficulty swallowing spoonfuls
of quinoa and chia seed which were force-fed to them by an angry German woman. “We are always looking to find the next superfood,” explains Anne Scymanski, Head of Research at Oxford Nutrition Center, “but this new data suggests we’re going to need to wait just a bit longer to find it.” As for what foods scientists do recommend, researchers at the Food and Drug Administration have been developing a nutrition bar which contains no carbohydrates, protein, fats, or any other pesky ingredients typically snuck into the worst of our health offenders. Until this project is complete, however, readers are urged to find alternative approaches, such as intravenous injection, fasting, and photosynthesis.
...continued from front
shoulder. However, no student can rival David’s resolve; and as he stares down these foolish students, with eyes tired from living a million lives, and a stare colder than darkness, the students always resort to standing. There are millions of artists each year who try, yet fail, to make art so interwoven in the human condition. However, such awareness of the world can leave one isolated, and as David once again keeps the world a backpack’s length away to fully enjoy his lukewarm almond milk, one must ask themselves, simply; at what cost?
FUCK ME
and have this cup be required to obtain a drink at takeout. “This way we can mask our actions under the veil of trying to be eco friendly while saving money on cups and the syrup used for the drinks” Shkreli said when asked about his plan. This accompanied with the already overpriced meal plans and the numerous miscellaneous fees adds up to the newly revised term bill we all had to pay this semester. It is
...continued from front
projected that within this 20 year period that Shkreli is confirmed for the head of financial aid, he would have saved Rutgers about $69 million. According to Shkreli, his next course of action is to make students pay extra for guest meal swipes which would consume both a regular meal swipe and the extra guest swipe as well as requiring all students to pay the commuter fee regardless of your status on campus.
THIS IS A GIANT TEXT BOX THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE NEWS EDITOR WORKS 5 HOURS BEFORE COMING TO THE PRODUCTION MEETING THIS IS THE MEDIUM'S CASH GRAB COME TO THE MEDIUM AT THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AND MAYBE GET SOME MONEY BUT YOU WON'T
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Andrew Blustein Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Gavin Briggs-Perez Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Shaina Joseph Features Editor Rob Sanchez
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Dan Cretella Scott Hoberman Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Fuck Penn State guy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. Dedicated to all the adults with SIDS.
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 20th, 2017 themedium.features@gmail.com
the Medium
“That shit Kosher?”
#WHODREWTHEDICKS?
WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT
Should You Risk it All and Fart on a Packed LX Bus? By: Guy Who Discovered Milk
New Netflix documentary American Vandal came out last Friday, so if you’re anything like me you binge watched the entire eight part series Sunday night into Monday morning like 5 a.m Monday morning. So, I bet you’re wondering who drew the dicks, right? Well, stop wondering cus I’m here to tell you who’s responsible for the funny flacid photos. SPOILER ALERT! It was...
It’s 7:34 p.m, it’s been a long day - you’ve had 3 classes on 4 different campuses somehow - and all you want to do is unwind and relax... and yes, pinch one out. But trust me, tread lightly and fart at your own risk. Of course, farting is always better than not farting, but if you do, it can only go one of two ways. Either no one thinks you farted, or EVERYONE thinks you did. So, if you like to live dangerously, like me, rip away. FUGLY STUDENT FIXES HIS PHONE SCREEN, BREAKS UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND
THE MEDIUM! Duh, turn the page and you’ll see our Dick of the Week! haha. boom, roasted - idiot.
CURB YOUR FUCKING ENTHUSIASM
cus she’s ugly
BADGALRIRI
MAN HAS HAD SONG STUCK IN HEAD FOR TWELVE YEARS, BEGINNING TO WORRY *it’s Pon de Replay*
COMING OCTOBER 1ST
OUT OF THIS WORLD
Venus Williams Confused Why Sister Serena Not Named Saturn ...WAAAAIIIT
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 20th, 2017
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“It’s the most wonderful time...”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is your Jew years resolution?
“Wait what? It’s another year already. ” Darby Kolman Checking her calendar.
“I didn’t know there were those, so none.” Franky Dank New year, who? what?
“Eradicate more Amalekites.” Drake Joshstein Has two dishwashers.
CULINARY REVIEW
WE SHOULD STOP CALLING IT CHINESE FOOD BY ALLISON EMMERLY
China is a vast diverse land with different dialects, races of dragons and most importantly-some would argue-different styles of food. Yet, somehow, we Americans think it is totally acceptable to lump all types of food into one category as Chinese food. It is wholly ignorant to characterize all of the rich delicacies, from the Tibetan Plateau to the Yellow Sea, as one type of cuisine. This type of overgeneralization fails to recognize the rich intricacies of a dish and denies attribution of the food to its heritage-say between a Mongolian beef, with its notes of garlic and ginger, and a Hunan beef, with its trademark hints of Thai chili. It would be a crime to neglect different flavor profiles created by the artisanal vinegar common in Shandong dishes compared to the common use of garlic in Cantonese dishes. By lumping them all into one category, you are insulting each region and each culinary history. Would it ever be acceptable to group the unique elements that make up New England clam chowder and New Orleans gumbo and categorize them as American soups. Hell no! It’s time we take aim at this uninformed and somewhat racist approach to food taxonomy. I will no longer order from my local chinese restaurant until they change titles to “insert Chinese region here” restaurant, no matter how delicious their Egg foo young is, nor until they accurately follow the recipe for Kung Pao chicken and add both peanuts and authentic Shaoxing wine and I encourage you to do the same. This blatant whitewashing has gone on for too long and we must take a stand where it matters: at the take-out box.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
GRAMMAR NAZIS ARE THE WORST TYPE OF NAZI BY RICK WHITE
I feel like neonazis get a bad rap because we believe jews, blacks, non-whites etc. aren’t people. And I get it-if I were a jew, Black, nonwhite etc, I guess I would kinda be like what the heck, I am a person! But grammar nazis are soooo much worse. Like where did they come from? They not only attack aforementioned groups, they attack everyone regardless of race, religion or whether you believe your race is superior. I’d say a group that targets everyone and how they speak is way more bad than our way more narrower targets. Like, say for example, you are a law abiding, money-grubbing Jew. Grammar nazis would persecute you, not because you’re a money-grubbing Jew, but solely because you don’t refer to the antecedent with a pronoun. Like what the hell? Grammar nazis clearly don’t understand the point behind being a nazi. It’s not about attacking someone for how they speak, it’s about attacking someone who isn’t racially pure solely because of physical or ideological characteristics.
NEO-NAZIS ARE CLEARLY WORSE BY LIBRARIAN
Woah, woah, woah. Before I even get into the content of your argument, I must first make some comments on the form in which it’s written. You seem to haphazardly capitalize proper nouns at some times and arbitrarily leave them in the lower case other times. Additionally, you ended a sentence on a preposition, which is now socially acceptable in everyday discourse, but is grammatically still incorrect. Furthermore, you almost correctly utilized the comma, but you forgot to use a conjunction after it when connecting two independent clauses. Now onto your claim that grammar nazis are “more bad” and why regardless of the factual implication you make, this is simply incorrect because bad can’t be used as a comparative, so you would have to replace it with “worse”. On that same note, “narrower” is already comparative, therefore the “way more” is redundant and not grammatical. Now let’s talk hyphens...Here, you use “law abiding” as a single idea to modify “Jew”, so you need to hyphenate them to create a compound adjective. You correctly hyphenated “money-grubbing”, so I don’t know why you didn’t apply the rule to the previous modifier. Overall, you do not seem have a clear grasp on many simple grammatical rules, as evidenced by correct employment of rules in some cases, but not others. It seems that when you skipped class in grade school for some skinhead meetup, you missed a few crucial grammar lessons.
COME TO THE MEDIUM MEETING WEDNESDAY AT THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER WEDNESDAYS 7:45. SEE YA THERE!
Wednesday, September 20th, 2017
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“Yurdle the Turtle is in great pain.”
“IN GOOD FAITH’’ BY RE-ELECTION COMMITTEE
the Medium
“END OF THE ROAD BOI” BY JIMMY LEGS
“POLITICS” AS SEEN BY SOUTH KOREAW
“TENTH GENERATION POKEMON” BY NINTENDO
CAN YOU DRAW? DO YOU LIKE JOKES? COME TO THE MEDIUM ON WEDNESDAYS IN THE COLLEGE AVENUE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 411B AT 7:45PM! YOU CAN COME GET YOUR ART PUBLISHED IN A NEWSPAPER!
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Oliver and Company.”
Ridin’ High
HADGS
Monkey Business
So this girl on the bus smelt like straight weed. Is that really normal? (Honestly so many people are crammed onto those things, sniff hard enough you’ll snort up coke.) I sat down in class and had to fart immediately. I had to hold it in the whole time. (Fun Fact: The professors almost always are doing the same. Unless they are too old to give a shit.) I yell when I use the bathroom. It’s never due to pain; its always pleasure. (I’m am the same way about knitting, yoga, waffle ironing, and yearly taxes.) It’s often hard to tell if my roomate’s talking to me or sleep talking. (If you’re as lonley as me, you kinda learn not to care. Non-consentual human interaction still counts.)
My professor wants to make me an athiest. (I hate it when Prof. try to force their idiologies on us. Mine’s hell-bent on trying to make me a physicist just because I’m a physics major.) No. (If I had a nickel for everytime someone has said that to me... I’d make a lot of money at bars.) Every time I hear Africa by Toto I want to get hit by a truck. (Same, it’s like I hear the drums echo in the night. Though you might be hearing whispers in some quiet conversation. It’s always on after my 12:30 flight, yadda, yadda and now the good part: IT’S GONNA TAKE A LOT TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOUUU! THERE’S NOTHING THAT A HUNDRED M-)
Can we talk about how amazing music video for “Tarzan’s Boy” is? (There is a soft spot in my heart for videos with green screen, before people knew how to use green screens.) Do I look like an ass for using blue-tooth headphones? (You look better than the peasants who are cuffed to thier devices. Live free.)
STILL NO INTERNET!!!!! SO MORE CRAP IMAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
I have ADHD. (That sucks, it must be hard to get anywork done when being distracted by any small thought that goes through your head. I really like Fleetwood Mac, like ‘Rumors’ was an album that defined a generationl.)
Wednesday, September 20th, 2017
themedium.personals@gmail.com
QOTD
“A Rolling Stone gathers no readers.” - Sad Journalist
Magic School Bus
Why did I chose to commute? Driving everyday Should I be worried is the worst. about two guys having a (Could you imagine having conversation from adja- to do that for hours everycent showers? day? Hug your bus driver.) (Not really, I’d be more Should we really be hugworried about talks from ging the bus drivers? Do adjacent urnials or holes in you know where they stalls.) have been? The lazy fuck at Subway (I know where they have wouldn’t make me a 10ft been and where they are going... They follow a route long. (They said the same when you know.) I tried to order a rib-eye My knee hurts. steak. Lazy pricks.) (You know what helps that? There’s a kid in my major NOT GOING AROUND who looks like a cross be- BLOWING STRANGE tween Ghandi and Hank MEN. I’m assuming this is from my girlfriend.) Hill. (Well that’s down right My class is terrified of peaceful I tell you hwat.) our short professor. We Holy crap Rutgers foot- think he kidnapped ball won a game! Is this someone and is holding what collegic pride feels them in his basement. (That’s me and I went down like? (You should have been here there willingly.) before we were in the BIG10. My bathroom is always The games were fun, filled fucking wet! Like, how with booze, and everyone after 18+ years of life do got laid afterwards. Now, my roommates not know most of us were lucky to to get pity oral after most how to use a shower curgames. How the mighty tain? (Literally a whole room of have fallen.) your place is a slip-n’-slide. Enjoy yourself.) Love Shack
Hit the Showers
I think my new roomate has a crush on me. What should I do? (Ok, so first off you need to set boundries. If you can, use seperate bathrooms/ showers to lessen awkward encounters. Then, just keep to yourself all year stewing in the slop of your own lonelyness. Unless they’re hot, then get on that sucka!)
Don’t ever graduate. The outside world sucks and there is no work. (Look the unknown is scary, but that is also what makes it fun. You are officially able to become your own adult with no restrictions on what direction your life to take. Then again I’m kinda just Van-Wildering it right now so who am I to judge?)
Some Fig Due to my kosher lifestyle, I have not seen the movie “Babe.” It stars a pig and consumption of media is till a form of consumption.
(Yes, but pigs are only deemed non-kosher due to their precived filthy nature. The pig from “Babe” was obviously well cleaned and by the end of the film was seen as an animal who was worthy to be viewed as a pet rather than livestock which is O.K. in some sects.) John Legend’s kid is named Dusty.
(Still better than Audio Science.) A lot of dogs died filming “Milo and Ottis.” (Well if you put a pug next to a grown grizzly what do you think happens.) I’m not high right now and it sucks because I want to be high right now. How can I get high? (Ok so take as much glue as you can, pour it into a bucket. Next add half a bottle of Windex and a whole can of Febreeze into the bucket. Finally place it in the middle of your room and run around it for 15 min. Now everyone who sees you will think you are high.) Everyone ready for Jew Year’s Eve? (I’m Catholic and no longer get off from school for the holiday, so no I’m not. Between Chinese and Jewish New Years I’m starting to think that time is an abstract concept.)
Wednesday, September 20th, 2017
PAGE A7
“Crime alert: Your mom is so hot she got away with child neglect”
themedium.a7@gmail.com
Stan Hates Bread
Relevant Numbers
By: Skunk Whisperer
By: Frat Uncles
Panera Bread has been the subject of near-universal acclaim, with the exception of one university affiliate, Stan. Stan just really fucking like Au Bon Pain, and really fucking hates Panera bread. In a hate email to Panera bread Stan wrote, “I’m not the biggest fan of change in general, people saying bread in a language other than French also bothers me more than words could ever describe. I can’t describe it with words.” The masked vigilante, Stan, has been leaving “loaves of Pain” scattered around campus. These are stale garlic loaves from Au Bon Pain.
On September 11th, thousands of Rutgers students ran into the street dancing and giving out candy upon the news that Rutgers ranked #69 for Best Colleges. On September 12th Rutgers hosted a general meeting which established that Rutgers would continue their streak of mediocrity in order to maintain this position. The general meeting was also a refreshing reminder that despite Rutgers’ new number, sex is not for pleasure, but for procreation.
TOP 10 HIGHEST PAYING PORN STAR MAJORS, THIS WAS RESEARCHED. BY: THE BUREAU OF LABOR AND STATISTICS BUSINESS - Everyone knows business majors are among the most assertive and dominant college graduates, allowing them access into the very tight market which consists of leather-daddys, latex, and dungeon masters. Additionally their knowledge of business allows them to spot industry trends within the Ball Street Cock Market. BIOLOGY - An understanding of Biology gives students an in depth understanding of life in all aspects from the cell to full bodies. And if those med school plans don’t work out, you also know about penises. ANTHROPOLOGY - It translates to the study of man and woman. Nuff said. PSYCHOLOGY - Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes it’s also a buttplug (you gotta break free from that functional fixedness). SPECIAL EDUCATION - If you think about it, you’re educating middle schoolers in a special way.
the Medium POLL For You
What do you think of the bike lane? A-aight B-I hate those polls (heh) cause I can’t hit people on their bikes. C-It’s great for the environment cause less people emit methane by farting in their car with the windows down. D-Other Tweet us @themediumRU
Emergency Service Texting at Rutgers U UP? NO HAHA you wouldn’t say that if you were up hahaha true
New Horror Movie SIT features horrible bedsores.
By: Loity Toity In the up and coming docu-film SIT, Liz and Tyler sit on their couch, not realizing that the pressure of the top 120 pounds of their body on one specific spot is slowly reducing the supply of blood to their butt cheeks leading to skin breakdown and eventually skin disappearance as it turns into an open sore. Liz doesn’t know that she’ll spend the next 4 weeks sleeping on her stomach because the alternative would cause pain and severe infection. Tyler doesn’t realize that he’ll be using a hemmoroid pillow to sit on the same couch, but that he’ll lose the pillow and sit on the couch without the pillow, thinking he can get away with it, creating more bedsores. He’ll go to the doctor, the doctor will say, ‘well use the hemmoroid pillow’, Tyler will forget to tell the doctor he lost his hemmoroid ANIMAL HUSBANDRY pillow and will use that as an excuse not to get a new hemmoroid pillow, creating more bedsores. Meanwhile Liz will almost recover ENGLISH LITERATURE - For when you’re sucking that from her bedsores but will break her hip and sit in a temporary Moby Dick. ACCOUNTING - Once the dough starts rolling in, you’ll wheelchair, creating more bedsores. The end of the movie is Liz know just how much to budget when you’re looking to buy applying Neosporin on one of Tyler’s newly formed sores. your new high tech sex toy. Wouldn’t it be so funny if cars drove in the bus lane. JAPANESE CULTURAL STUDIES - With the rise of hentai and weeaboos, knowing japanese culture while By: Me being covered in gallons of pixelated bukkake glazing can Ahhhh, if cars drove in the bus lane almost double your earnings compared to the statistical average.
THEATRE - Porn
COME TO OUR MEETINGS ROOM 411B CASC WEDNESDAYS 7:45-8:45 Chip dip shit
buses wouldn’t get anywhere Hahhhh, they’d be like ‘do we go in this lane or nah’ OHMIGOD it would be CREEEZY. What if airplanes would go in the bus lane, twin towers amirite? Ohmigoshhhh. I can’t believe I just SAID THAT. Bush did 9/11 aghhhhhhh. What if buses are actually potatoes in disguise. wooohhooohooo I’m on cocaineeee Jk I’m overtired but its almost the same thing hahahaha I got 9 hours of sleep last night. I’m lying woooo this is self-awareness.
Sept. 20th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com RUTGERS FOOTBALL GETS INTO ROLE REVERSAL
C OACH ASH WA R NS FA NS NOT TO G E T TOO EXC I T E D F O LLOW I NG W I N THROB LOWE STORE IN A COOL, DRY AREA
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ— Calling it a dream come true, Rutgers football fans are ecstatic after coming out on the winning side of a 65-0 blowout against Morgan State, but coach Chris Ash is warning fans not to get their hopes up. The Scarlet Knights put their balls right on the table this past Saturday, recording 322 rushing yards and 152 passing yards. The student section was full for the first time in 13 games. Sophomore Jimmy Grant said “It was the first time I had ever been shoulder to shoulder with people in there. And practically no one left at halftime. Hopefully we can ride this energy.” But Head Coach Chris Asch warns against just that. “Look, I’m glad everyone’s happy, but I really wouldn’t look too
A Taste of Victory Coach Ash doesn't want fans to expect too much.
much into it. Morgan State? Who’s even heard of Morgan State?” Reminding fans that the victory had snapped an 11 game losing streak for the knights. “I really hope people come to
the games, but I don’t want them to expect anything special. All I can say is we’ll try not to get spanked out there anymore.” Senior student Vivian Jean replied to Ash’s statement,
saying “[Ash] Just needs to have faith. I think that this one huge victory is setting a tone for the season. And maybe we’ll even get payback on all those teams while we march to the Rose Bowl! Chop!” Rutgers is set to travel to Nebraska this coming weekend to get their cobs husked in their second Big 10 match up of the season. Red-shirt senior Jadaveous Smith said "Those Morgan State dudes were soft, but I'm a little worried about playing Nebraska. I bet all those guys do are practice, what else is there to do out there? Honestly, I just hope its not on TV, just in case". If you want to tune into the game, Rutgers Athletics will be broadcasting the game at The Yard, so students can ride the emotional rollercoaster together.
FUCKING SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCKING METS
INDIANS WIN STREAK TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR GENOCIDE STEPHEN A. SMIFF ON EVERYONE'S LAST NERVE
CLEVELAND—Native American tribes around the country have rallied around a different kind of tribe–the Cleveland Indians. The Indians 22-game win streak not only set an American League record, but also cast aside any ill feelings Native Americans had toward white Americans, who killed their ancestors and destroyed their land. "Honestly, after Standing Rock our people really needed a win," said Isabela Yazzie, who lives in an Arizona reservation. "My family used to say America's true past time was killing our people, but now that the Indians just set this record, we're coming
Though the country's 300-plus reservations are comparatively poor, the Indians hot play has distracted its residents, focusing their sights on a blissful October. "They're going all the way this year I just know it," said Alexander Azure, who lives in a Wyoming reservation. "Kluber is unhittable, and have you seen Lindor lately? And Bruce, what a pick up. Who cares if I have to hear about their success second hand due to our storied plight goes largely ignored, so we KILLING THE COMPETITION go without Internet and basic Native Americans come out in support of their new favorite team. cable." around to baseball." "Chief Wahoo used to In related news, Native Native Americans have be a symbol of ignorance, American tribes–along with flocked to Cleveland's oppression and murder," said the general, sane public–think Progressive Field over the last Akecheta Sota, a Sioux Nation the Washington Redskins month, calling it their new Chief. "Now it is my favorite need to change their racist spiritual home. mascot. Go Tribe!" name.
Phoning it in SInce 1970