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september 21th, 2016
Volume LII Issue II 50¢ INSIDE THIS ISSUE
SHOOTIN' BLANKS
iOS 10 UPDATE: WORLDWIDE VICTORY FOR GUN CONTROL
BY KEITH FRAISER LOCAL DETECTIVE
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple stunned the world this week with a new iOS update that converts all firearms into water guns. The long-awaited iOS 10 update brings many new and exciting features to iOS devices, as well as eliminating all future mass shootings, police killings, and accidents from unsafe firearm handling. “This is a great day in not only American history, but the history of the world. No longer will we have to worry about the safety of our children in schools,” said President Obama in a statement praising Apple for its monumental service to the safety of mankind. “This will eliminate the mass shooting epidemic we have in this country once and for all, and for that we have Apple to thank.” In addition to eliminating mass shootings, the new iOS
QUICKIES
update is a major victory in the fight against police brutality and senseless killings. American police officers are particularly upset about the new update. “I can’t believe our guns just disappeared,” says RUPD officer Colin Anderson. “Being able to carry a gun was the only reason
I signed up for this job. I feel like a fucking Frenchman.” While Anderson might be upset that he won't be able to shoot any minorities on campus, the rest of us can sleep soundly knowing that Steve Jobs is watching proudly over our newly gun-free America.
RAMPAAAAAAAAGE
Hillary Clinton Delivers Speech Day After Chemotherapy BY NOT JOE BIDEN NOT THE VICE PRESIDENT
CLEVELAND—After undergoing her first round of chemotherapy for her recently diagnosed non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (NHL), Hillary Clinton gave a composed, yet admittedly shaky speech. The former Secretary of State’s disheveled appearance startled the crowd, which had no prior knowledge of her recent diagnosis. Her supporters showed huge admiration for her returning to the campaign trail so quickly. Coughing and shaking at points in her speech, Clinton’s overall positive attitude made her supporters forget about her illness and refocus on her message. “This country is at a crossroads, and if my recent bout with illness has
Check Out Our Election Coverage!
NOTHING WILL HOLD HER BACK Clinton doesn't look too hot; we would _all agree with that.
taught me anything, it is that we can overcome anything if we trust one another, support each other, and embrace each other’s unique differences,” said a
resolute Clinton, who managed to stop only thrice to cough up blood into a handkerchief during her speech.
MAKING IT FIT Since 1970
Apparently Jill Stein Came to Rutgers? Tolerance Now Apparently Way Too Much To Ask For Son Comes Out As Gay Using Invisible Ink iMessage Engineering Students Still Being Assholes About It More God Damn Bees Lena Dunham Running Out of Things to be Angry About Dick Edwards Retires, Cites Reason As RU Becoming A Coke School
the Medium
NEWS
themedium.news@gmail.com
"WE ARE FUCKING R KELLY HELP"
SORRY SYRIA, WE'RE FULL
Livingston Campus Takes In Starving Refugees From Cook/Douglass BY GRIND ALL INVESTIGATOR
PISCATAWAY—Last week the residents of the Cook/Douglass campuses had to be relocated due to power outages. This morning, some students had to be evacuated due to a suspicious package. The cause of the power outages as well as the exact contents of the suspicious package is still unknown, but has left many Cook/ Douglass residents wondering whether their campus is safe for inhabiting. Upon hearing these concerns officials are starting to ask the other Rutgers campuses to take in the Cook/Douglass refugees. After a formal plea from President Barchi to accept the refugees, students of other campuses had mixed responses. "No fucking way man," said Brad Manson of College Ave. "Those smelly fucking hippies better stay away from our land!" Other students seemed to share this sentiment, as a group of Greek life organizations formed a human chain outside of Brower attempting to "protect what's theirs". Over on Busch there seemed to be a more confused response. "Wait, people want to come here? People are asking to live here?!" said Senior Jack Chin who has lived on Busch all four years and has always gotten a "Why do you live there?" look when disclosing his residency. A second response from Busch seemed to be an all-out denial of the situation. The campus refused to acknowledge there was even a refugee situation and insisted they were "too busy with construction". Livingston, on the other hand, seems to be the most likely campus as they are still in talks of accepting the refugees. "I'd like to think of us as Canada in all of this!" said freshman Katy Higgins showing she has no idea how anything works, while other Livingston residents have cited the overcrowded buses as a reason to not let any more bodies on to the campus. It is still unclear where these students will end up, but President Barchi has applauded the Cook/Douglass residents' resilience during this time, and asks that all Rutgers students remain patient.
Editorial Staff Fall 2016
Wednesday, September 21st 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager
Andrew Blustein Sifat Mahbub Andrej Eftimov Mascot The Lemon Stealing Whore
JUST PILES AND PILES
Busch Construction Team Still Piling Up Dirt and Smoothing It Out Again BY RADIO RAHEEM DOES THE RIGHT THING
PISCATAWAY—Exciting progress is being made on Busch Campus by the DEVCO construction teams. The giant pile of dirt by the Library of Science and Medicine has been smoothed out in preparation for turning it into a pile again. "We're really astounded at the progress these men are making. It's been 9 months and we've already built up and knocked down this gigantic mass of dirt seven times," said Keith Stone, the project manager behind the giant pile of dirt. "Rutgers has been paying us an exorbitant amount of money to just look busy and cause a massive inconvenience for all the students and faculty. I would say we've been doing an outstanding job. Our contract is to pile up all of this dirt and then just smooth it out again once every six weeks, and we've been beating that every single time. Rutgers School of Engineering senior Michael Goldberg, who hasn't had a class anywhere near the construction since last semester, remarks on the construction; "I'm really not sure what they're trying to do there. I'm was just tired of having to walk all the way around the Library to get to the pharmacy building. It's especially annoying when all of the space in between the two buildings is taken up by this gigantic amount of dirt which is sometimes piled up really high, but also sometimes smoothed out. I'm not sure what that's all about." "We should be finished by the time anybody who is currently inconvenienced by this construction has graduated," Stone says. "In the meantime, we're probably just going to lay down some more exposed pipes in arbitrary locations." Stone advises all Rutgers students and faculty to do your best not to trip on them.
BYE BYE DICKIE
Balm Found in Unattended Bag on Cook/Douglass BY NEWELLS NEWSMAKER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
NEW BRUNSWICK— Early on the morning of September 19, RUPD was called to the Douglass parking deck after a report of a balm in an unattended bag. Commuter super senior, Johnny Smith had just exited his 2001 Ford Taurus when he saw a canvas bag in the middle of the parking deck. He approached the bag and noticed a small tube shimmering in the sunlight. “Yeah man, I saw something in this bag and was like, crap that’s a balm” he promptly called the police, “yeah, my mom always tells me, if I see a balm, that means it’s ISIS and I should report it real quick”. Officers arrived to the scene with balm dogs and surrounded the suspicious bag covered with buttons of animals dressed in clothes. They quickly contained the balm and identified it as Lipsmackers ,Bubblegum flavor. “Once I saw it was bubblegum flavor, I knew we were dealing with an experienced balmer” commented Officer Rodgers. The balm was sent to a lab for further examination of ingredients and possible DNA evidence. The culprit is a freshman who dropped her bag in the garage while running to get Dunkin Donuts before her class started. Police have cleared the scene. News Editors James Mullen III Aly Grindall Opinions Editor Jake Goldstein Arts Editor Dan Um Personals Editor Connor McCarthy Page A7 Editor Jordan Plaut Features Editor Darcy Ritt
Sports Editor Michael Okolo Copy Editor Kevin McClintock Secretary Jake Goldstein Webmaster Landen Naphtali Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Lena Dunham
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. We dedicate this issue to our friend Adam. We miss ya bud, we know you're smiling down at us.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2016 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“Am I Hispanic yet?”
JIZZTASTIC
PUT THAT IN YOUR BOOM BOX N SMOKE IT
10 Practical Uses for Semen BY US, THE HORNY MEMBERS OF THE MEDIUM 1. Saving your spot on the bus. 2. Glue for your child’s fourth grade macaroni art.
Best Song Covers You’ve Never Heard BY HUGH MUNGOUS Pumped Up Kicks, performed by the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir
3. Coffee creamer, lezz be real, the dining halls are alllllways out.
Stranger Things Theme Song, performed by Matt Mulholland on the Recorder (I mean come on, who doesn’t like his Titanicthemed rendition?)
4. Bug repellant (lets be Zika conscious, yall!). Just make sure to coat your entire body thoroughly. Cum to think of it, same logic works for sunscreen!
Smells Like Teen Spirit, with a shotgun blast replacing each snare hit
5. Throat lotion (cum on, its cold season).
Smack My Bitch Up, the Domestic Violence Edition Puff The Magic Dragon, by Snoop Dogg
6. Also toothpaste.
7. As a means of finding your way home when lost (trail of bread cums).
8. Mio substitute (**ONLY IF YOU EAT PINEAPPLE BEFORE**)
9. Anal lube (you probably already do this, so it’s not all that innovative). 10. Impregnating your wife to make beautiful children.
TELL IT LIKE IT TIS
TRUTHFUL PRODUCT SLOGAN OF THE WEEK BY CAILLOU
Maneater, by Ted Bundy We Are Family, by Josif Fritzl named after you in Israel La Macarena, by Trump Every Breath You Take, by the Cystic Fibrosis Association No Vaseline, by Hillary
FLIRTIN N SHOPPIN
How to Get that Cute Grocery Store Employee to Notice You BY LATIN MAMA So not that we’re totally “grown-ups”who do adult things like food shopping, you’re gonna need to know how to properly hit on that hottie supermarket employee. But let’s be honest…their standards are probably really low, so you really shouldn’t have any trouble…but follow these foolproof tips just in case! Knock over merchandise “accidentally”. And I’m not talking one box of cereal…go big or go home and dramatically tip over the lobster tank or pyramid of Charmin Extra Strong. This way, they’ll have to take a loooong-ass time to pick everything up…a.k.a. more time to talk to you ;) Clean-up in Aisle “my pants”, am I right? Slip over a grape. Desperate measure, I know, but it’s guaranteed to work. Not only will your crush rush to your rescue, but you may also be able to sue the store and pay your tuition! Extra points for bleeding profusely. Only use credit cards with chips at the check-out. With how long it takes for your credit card chip to process, you could meet your crush, fall in love, and even plan your wedding. Great story to tell the grandkids!
CUM TO OUR MEETINGS SO THAT YOU CAN TELL FART JOKES AND SNICKER LIKE A FOURTH GRADER. SERIOUSLY, WE DO THAT. WEDS. 7:45 P.M. 411B IN THE COLL AVE STUD CENT!
Loudly ask where they keep the XL Magnum Condoms. If you’re a male, then she’ll know that you have a huge, Ron Jeremyesque (ewwww) cock, and if you’re a gal…then he knows that you only fuck (literally) wit da best! Win-win either way. Profess your undying love for him/her over the store’s loudspeaker. If it works for people in the movies, why couldn’t it work for you?! However, take caution because this ballsy move runs the risk of you getting hauled off by the cops…but this will make you seem reckless, and therefore, sexy (at least to people with daddy issues)!
the Medium
OPINIONS
“Dr. Seuss killed his wife, look it up.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Have you gotten your Meningitis B shots? “I don’t want to be stupid like those autists.” Jenny Martin Has autistic brother
“I already have Meningitis B.” Mikey Lazershow Walking Petri Dish
Wednesday September 21st, 2016
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
I MAY HAVE TAKEN A SHIT ON DELAFIELD
Why does off-campus smell so bad? BY LARRY LARSON So I was walking down Hamilton Street looking for the comic book store that is supposedly around there. I didn’t find it, but I did notice something strange about the off-campus areas. Basically after you go past that cool Yard building, the smell of expelled french-fries and quesadilla just rushes into the nostrils. Like, what happens there every night? Going down Easton Ave. (where I eventually found the comic book store) it smells like the collective homeless population of New Brunswick decided to hold their charity 5k down the street. It is baffling to me the mixture of smells that assault me when as I canvased the area was the most astonishing mixture of bile, and those red cup drinks my older brother would always have. I also may have smelled weed, I’ve smelled it before in my middle school health class. If any of you are going off-campus this weekend please take a few photos of what happens during the night. Videos are preferred; I just need some documentation of the phenomena that goes on there every night. There has to be a gang of Mad Max like skunks that tear up the town every night for the odor to be that pungent. I would myself, but my guild is running the new Stormblood raid on Ultima and we need a good dps.
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND
Penises are like diamonds.
“No, I hear that’s a huge scam.” Manny Gitis B.
THIS ARTICLE IS JUST GRAVY
IT’S NOT FUCKING GRAVY
BY GUY WHO IS NOT ITALIAN It’s a sauce. Marinara, more specifically. To call it a gravy, for no other reason than a tendency to stick with obsolete cultural norms, has at its best, caused unnecessary confusion between individuals, and at its worst, has halted the progress of human development, and will continue to do so until our lack of advanced technology leaves us susceptible to a mass extinction. First, I’d like to provide irrefutable evidence that marinara sauce is not gravy. Merriam Webster defines gravy as: 1: a sauce made from the thickened and seasoned juices of cooked meat So you can fuck right off Robert de Niro. However, many people don’t find the truth reason enough to change their behaviors or habits, and that’s fair enough. But still, Robert de Niro can fuck right off, because their need to conform to their cultural traditions are hindering humanity’s ability to defend itself from cosmic catastrophes and minor miscommunications with the old fashioned Italian deli that makes a killer eggplant fettuccini. Also the Godfather sucks. It’s well known that every major tech company orders their company lunches (and dinners, when necessary) at small familyrun Italian restaurants. Do you think the Kennedy Space Center really has the time to figure out why this Italian grandmother with an accent thicker than her waist wants to put gravy on their fucking lasagna, and why the fuck- isn’t she a professional? Is she goddamn senile? I can’t, fucking get Alan on this bullshit we don’t have time for this asshole. And, as these companies need to eat on a daily basis, all this time adds up. This confusion can last up to at least 30 minutes. In 2016, that adds up to over 130 hours of a company’s work being put on hold so that they can knock some sense into and out of the local Italian restaurants. In conclusion, Robert de Niro can fuck right off
BY MISSY GONZALEZ
Listen boys, I’ve ridden a lot of cock while here at Slutgers, I’ve fucked every type of man living on the Banks, and let me say, there is only one thing my insatiable snatch likes -- circumcised men. Sure those men who still look like corndogs have been great, but nothing beats a man who has the mushroom cap. Everything about them is better, the feel, the smell, the taste and definitely the look. I’ve found through my college years, that dicks are a lot like diamonds. Sure, diamonds when uncut are still useful. They’re used in industry, in mining and in drill bits. Same with dicks, if it’s uncut, it’s really only useful for sex, and not even that good of sex. Just writing this article is getting my gag reflex going. What the hell is up with smegma? Some of my girlfriends say it adds flavor, a little bit of cheese, but it’s gross to me. The smell too is just awful. Imagine opening up a gym locker in Summer, only to discover that someone had explosive diarrhea in the thing at the beginning of last semester. That’s the smell I deal with all the fucking time when someone’s parents didn’t care and kept that foreskin on. Cut diamonds though? Those are gems, works of art. You can show off those to your family and friends. Brag about the beautiful jewelry you now own. Cut cocks? They are beautiful. They belong in a museum -- and in my cooch. When I fuck a man with a cut cock, I want to parade around the neighborhood with that thing on a ring (and boys, if you haven’t tried cock rings, then I’m the girl for you, I’ll show you a world you didn’t know existed. Also I’ll finger your butthole.) Dicks that are cut are works of art. That’s why dicks should be cut. Remember boys, diamonds might be forever, but foreskins don’t have to be. If you’re not circumsized, then call the local mohel and snip the tip off. And for all your Jews out there, call me, I want to ride your cocks til your yarmulkes fall off, and if you’re not Jewish but cut, I have a cunt that is dripping juices just thinking about you. The Medium meets Wednesdays at 7:45PM in room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center. Show up on time or you’ll miss the child sacrifice! We also meet on Mondays in 117D in the Livingston Student Center. Come, I swear to God, it’s fun, also if you like to write send in opinions to themedium.opinions@gmail.com And do my friend a favor and send in arts if you like to draw to themedium.arts@gmail.com, he’s a cool guy and could use your help.
Wednesday September 21st, 2016
themedium.arts@gmail.com
“SIAL” BY CAILLOU
“HEY” BY DANKUM
JOIN THE MEDIUM! I’LL SUCK YOUR DICK. FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS 8PM (LIVI STUDENT CENTER 117D) WEDNESDAYS 7:45PM (COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 411B) DICK OF THE WEEK: CONTEMPORARY DICK
ARTS
“Damn, my bomb in Cook didn’t go off.”
“EPIPHANY” BY MATTHEW MATTHEWSON
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium
“.Why doesn’t it hurt when you cut your hair?”
Sex and Relationships What’s the best way to get over my former girlfriend? She was pretty chill but I dumped her because I didn’t love her as much as she loved me. Distract yourself with rampant, meaningless sex. Come on, you’re in college. This should be a no-brainer. What’s the best way to turn on my friend James? If he’s anything like my friend James, all you need to do is vaguely suggest anything sexual. James’ (What’s the plural of James? Jameses?) get turned on by anything. If that doesn’t work, just flash him. What do boobs feel like? They feel like mounds of fat. Arousing, huh?
I got my dick gummed by a hobo last night. I’m conflicted. On one hand, teeth and blowjobs don’t mix. On the other hand, wouldn’t that kind of feel like being given head from either an old geezer or a baby? Is it weird I lost my virginity after my first engineering exam? Here’s a general guideline: If you lose your virginity before your freshman year of high school, you’re a badass and you should be proud. If you lost it between then and your senior prom, you’re about average. Don’t be ashamed, but it’s nothing to brag about. Anytime after that is pathetic and you should be ashamed.
Thing that’s bothering me this week: Homeless people are common at College Ave, but relatively rare at the other campuses. We need to relocate them so they don’t hunt each other to extinction for sport.
Anger and Concern
Fuck anyone who takes the elevator from the first floor to the second floor. You’re delaying my getting to the sixth floor. Just take the four steps it takes to get to your floor you lazy fucks. Don’t discourage them. The more people that use elevators, the fewer people use escalators. Escalators are terrifying and need to be abolished. Think about it, they’re stairs, that move vertically. The slightest change in speed could lead to you falling down the stairs, which would take forever because the stairs themselves are moving you up. Palatino sucks ass. Literally all other fonts are superior. Have you ever heard of Comic Sans? I live in the towers and if I don’t get switched out soon, I might just have to end it all. Don’t kill yourself now! Summer’s almost over and it’ll be livable there. If you die, the university wins. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Jesus Christ Adam. Do I look like an Adam to you? To the guy in the bathroom at the 2nd floor bathroom in the ARC, are you ok? He was probably fucked by a Rutgers official, rumor has it they use the students to satisfy their collective libido, regardless of whether or not anyone wants to. How long can I let my ass hair grow before it needs to be tamed?
Come to our meetings, we now offer free grooming services! Just ask about the weird string thing! Wednesdays at 7:45pm in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 411 B!
I recommend you let it grow until it’s at least 10 inches so you could donate it to Locks of Love. Lots of children lose their hair because of diseases and treatments and such. Your ass hair could make a small child really happy. I finished puberty awhile back but a pimple showed up on my arm last week. Am I dying? I’ll be honest, it doesn’t sound good. You’ll need to get the arm removed. Hope it’s not your dominant hand. Otherwise you’re going to need to learn how to masturbate again.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Maybe Craigslist Would Be Better?
So I’m either 22 or 23 depending on who you ask, and I still haven’t had my first STD. Considering how hard it is to get a concealed carry license, I figured it would be easier to collect STDs so I can weaponize them, but I’m having no luck. Anyone know where they’re sold? I would be eternally grateful.
Parties and Nerds
Miscellaneous
So last Saturday I went out drinking with a few friends. We were having a great time at the Ale n’ Wich downing pitchers of beer and chatting about what happened to our high school crushes. Eventually, I checked my phone and a goddamn Snorlax showed up in my sightings. I think I should’ve left immediately to go find it, but I didn’t. I stayed at my table and drank my 9th beer. Is that the right choice?
Has anyone seen my package? I had it before I got in the car last night on Douglass.
Choosing between video games and beer? That’s a Sophie’s Choice tier decision right there! I almost fucked a ZBT this weekend. Don’t give up friend! Next time, try winking with both eyes. It should get your intentions across. How much deoderant do I need to put in a sock to get cum crust out effectively?
You know when you lost your glasses and they turned out to be on your forehead? If you last saw your backpack in your car, it’s probably still there. What if my male cat actually identifies as a bitch? There’s a flaw in your question. Male cats don’t exist, like bitches, for that matter. Have you ever noticed that self respecting men overwhelmingly perfer dogs to cats? That’s because all cats are female and it’s hard, if not impossible, to relate to someone or something of the opposite sex. Girls perfer cats for similar reasons. Because all dogs are male. What’s a personal? It’s a mystery, like why manhole covers are round. I like hot dog night at the dining hall because I like to watch people eat hot dogs from afar.
I’m afraid that’s not possible. Once it gets too crusty, you’re gonna need to replace the sock. Or you could just do your business in a toilet. Then your cum could be cleaned with a single arm movement.
It’s a scientific fact that people who eat hot dogs are sexually frustrated. Go help them out!
Labor Day has come and gone, and that means beaches won’t be crowded anymore!
I’m going to be the first lesbian president of the moon, and no one on Earth has the power to stop me.
Don’t give the public ideas. I’m looking forward to a quiet beach trip or two and you aren’t stopping me.
Please come take over America instead. You sound like a deranged lunatic, but you’ve got to be better than Trump and Clinton.
FEELING THE CHURN
Bernie excited to finally get to go back to living as just a regular guy
TRUMP
HILLARY
BY SUE DeNIMM Senior Political Correspondent
After much time campaigning to be America’s next president, Bernie Sanders is looking forward to doing what he is best at: being a normal guy. Sanders said he is looking forward to taking a break from the high-class celebrity lifestyle he experienced during his campaign trail, with its red carpet rollouts, adoring fans, and exuberant motels. Vermont residents have already spotted him wandering the streets of their hometowns, as if he was just another kindly old gentleman taking a stroll through the park. “You would think he would be so much more pretentious after being famous, but he seems so down to Earth!” said former Bernie supporter Patricia Thompson. “This is incredible”, said Sanders while sitting on a bench feeding the local birds, “It’s probably even better than life as president. It’s nice to be able to walk through the streets like an average Joe.” Bernie has been spotted doing various other mundane activities such as shopping for groceries, going to the movies, and complaining about deli prices.
Username: MakeOrgasmsGr8Again
Username: RllyWant2BPrez
Physical Description: In perfect health, baby
Interests: Becoming President of the United State of America.
Language: ‘Murican
Ideal date: Being sworn in as U.S. President
Hobbies: Spray tanning, hateful rambling, bankruptcy
Favorite Movie: The American President
Ideal woman: Half my age, completely airheaded, huge rack
Ideal Man: Someone faithful who can advance my career
NJPURGE vote
YES for your annual right!
FORGETFUL JOHNSON After his Aleppo gaffe, Johnson committed another boner after fielding questions on 9/11. “All I know is football is back, and I’ll be on my couch all day. Why do you ask?” Yesterday Johnson apologized, saying he was “totally baked,” and is “sorry, man.”
September 21st, 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com PEE-PLE WON'T LISTEN!
THE ALLEY WAS PLACED RUTGERS BASKETBALL THERE ON PURPOSE PROMISES
FASTBALLS
BY ALLEY CAT LOVES LEFTOVERS
MORE SADNESS
NEW BRUNSWICK-To mark the beginning of the Rutgers football season, a new activity for students was introduced, which quickly devolved into drunken mayhem. The University introduced a student-only tailgating section in hopes to boost attendance. The area has seen its first set back this week as students have seemingly made the nearby woods their own personal bathroom instead of using the many portable toilets on site. In a statement after Saturday's game, Atheltic Director Pat Hobbs pleaded with students at the Alley to use the portable toilets. Hobbs was seen at the last tailgate standing on a truck begging students for some type of cooperation. "Guys seriously this is
WOMEN'S SWIM TEAM STILL EXISTS
PLAYER WITH LARGE "SWINGING FOR THE BUSHES" SAS Junior, Harvey Demt rushes to the woods for a blatter release. PROBISCUS getting gross," he pleaded "Oh my god there are over 'Fuck Penn State' chants. 50 porta pottys they are TEARS RUSA has been trying to everywhere! Please for god combat public urination by sakes just use them! I can't see MENISCUS standing awkwardly close to anymore drunk 20 somethings the woods, but to no avail doing this anymore" screamed TENNIS STAR Witnesses say most people Polo in one last plea on the push by them grumbling truck before a funnel was CAN'T MAKE "fucking nerds," and then shoved in his mouth and beer LOVE continuing urinating. was poured down his throat. KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: ADRIAN PETERSON RUTGERS vs. IOWA BEATEN BY SON NOT PETERSON'S SON LOVES CHILDREN
M I N N E S O T A - T h e investigation was launched
-Not suspend the whole team. -Not chant "Fuck Penn State" after every third down. Seriously, we haven't beat them since we started that and half of you were not even there for that game. -Give Janarion Grant the ball. -Let's do that thing where we throw the ball and not let the other team catch it.
-Train a hawk to carry the ball over the other players. -Hire a private investigator to dig deeper into the private lives of the remaining Rutgers football players. You never know at this rate. -Make lame Ray Rice jokes that nobody actually thinks are funny.
-Get the ball into the end zone.
-Negate Janarion Grant's return abilities by kicking the ball backwards.
-Try to score before the other team
-Forget you just lost to an FCS team
Minnesota Vikings squeezed out a 17-14 home win Sunday night the against division rival Green Bay Packers. However, this victory was not without sacrifice. It was reported Monday that Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson suffered a torn meniscus in the game, which could greatly impact the Minnesota's future as a top contender. This is not the only time Peterson has been in the news. In 2014 Peterson was suspended for a full season after it came to light that he had badly beaten his 4 year old son. The coaches became skeptical of his injury after it was revealed that the trainers do not think it was an on-field injury. An
DISAPPOINTING FANS SINCE 1970
into the matter, which proved his 6-year-old son decided to get revenge on papa Peterson. When reached for a comment, Peterson had this to say. “This has been going on for months. I don’t know what’s come over him. I’ve apologized multiple times but he... he just won’t leave me alone.” This is clearly very tough time for Peterson. The principal at Peterson's son's school has officially suspended him from all after school activities and forbade him from participating from snack time after these accusations have come to light. Hopefully America can forgive him and let his father heal from this horrifying experience that will probably scar him for life.