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september 27th, 2017
Volume LIV Issue III 50¢ GET FUCKING LIT
C a m p u s b a r s to o p e n earlier for depressed and disillusioned students
QUICKIES
Italians Never die, They just "Pasta" Away I don't NEW BRUNSWICK— Now that the school year is officially in Really care full swing, many students are How your already beginning to develop the dreaded seasonal depression Summer that tends to crop up this time of year. Many students start Went to feel the work and the extra curriculars start to pile down You can't on them and as more students Beat my take their first exams, they’ll soon realize how stupid they Dick better are and begin to feel inadequate I NEED HELP compared to that one student in Than me Local students enjoying their liqour at 10 AM their class nicknamed “the curve earlier and can expect to open to whatever no-name football destroyer”. To combat this, the at 8am beginning right before school we’re playing against You're not administration at our great midterms. This falls in-line with that morning. Crazy, LX school worked out a deal with the centuries old attitude that Many of the bars down here many of the local bar and club Rutgers students can’t wake in New Brunswick are ecstatic Drivers owners here in New Brunswick. up for an 8am class but we’ll to open earlier as this is sure Plan to They plan to gradually increase gladly get up at 7am to start Continued on Page 2 the times they open earlier and chugging beers before we lose Take their THE BEST KOREA Breaks all N o r t h K o r e a T h r e a t e n s t o At once D e c l a r e W a r i f i t D o e s n ’ t Our Quidditch Make Ratio Team at Theta Chai’s party. If Rutgers University and President Trump Officially are unable to comply with our Has more supreme leader’s demands, our nation will be forced to declare Wins war on the United States of America.” Than our The White House still has yet to respond to the statement, but Football Rutgers University president Robert Barchi ranted on Twitter Team early this morning at 5:23 am EST. In his tweets that he wrote nearly 30 minutes into Fox Beer Pong United States if it doesn’t make News’ “Fox and Friends,” Barchi To become ratio at Theta Chai’s party let loose a string of 8 tweets, including, “Pathetic Rocket Man Friday night. DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S An official According to the statement, Ri can’t even make ratio. Just throw REPUBLIC OF KOREA — Yong-ho said, “It is Marshal fives!!” and “Srat chicks don’t Last night at 10:43 pm EST, Kim Jong Un’s right to rip sick like short losers. And you [sic] Sport North Korea’s foreign minister MIKE HAWK PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER
caillou loves children
threated to declare war on the
bong hits and shotgun Millers
Continued on Page 2
SCRUMPTIOUS Since 1970
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News
Wednesday, September 27th, 2017
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"Some slut named Hillary"
Trump Supporter Refuses to Get Off Prejudice Wall Porn stache ass cache
NEW BRUNSWICK— As the sun rose on Tuesday the 26th, a protester wearing a Trump 2016 shirt was found perched on top of the newly built Wall of Prejudice outside the College Avenue Student Center. The protester, Randall Armstrong, claims he will not come off the wall until he gets a promise that it won’t be torn down. When questioned, Mr. Armstrong said: “I put a lot of work into thinking of prejudice to write on this wall, and I will not let these liberals destroy my hard work! My freedom of speech is my most important right! If it offends
:)
Rump bump for trump GRUMP: Local student exercising his right to sit down in a form of peaceful protest met with shocking amount of apathy
shots of depression
NORTH KOREA
dEPRESSION
know what they say about short men..” In his most provocative tweet yet, Barchi urged an attack on Rutgers, threatening, “Kim Jong Dumb doesn’t have the firepower to hit rutgers, try it!! We need a new football team anyway”. Rutgers students are less than thrilled with both the statements from Ri Yong-ho and Robert Barchi. Tiffany Sankhar, a thirdyear communications major, said, “I think this whole thing is a mess! If Kim really wanted to get in, he should have just rushed earlier in the year. And Barchi is just an embarrassment. Just the other day, he insulted Rutgers football players for protesting police brutality by kneeling during the entirety of the third quarter. He’s a disgrace.” Grad student Ben Jordan had another solution. “Wait, doesn’t Kim Jon Un own people? Why is this such a problem for him?”
to drive in more business for them. Some of these bars include Knight Club, Scarlet Pub and the newly established fight club some of you may know as Olde Queens. Our team headed over to ask some students what they thought about the upcoming change. “I’m so fucking excited! My parents always told me I had a problem but clearly I’m not the only one so it can’t be true! Plus, you know what they say, it’s not alcoholism until after college or in this case, depression.” Said chad from kappa kappa kappa We also asked Suzy crabgrass, a senior in the School of Arts & Sciences
...continued from front
Editorial Staff Spring 2017
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Jake Goldstein Alex Hawley
Fratypus
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND THE ONE AND ONLY
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Andrew Blustein
some snowflakes it’s their own damn fault. I will not let them silence me!” Some of Armstrong’s fellow club members have also commented on how they were promised a wall and they won’t let the only one they have be destroyed. However, none of them have joined him on the wall, and Armstrong has had little luck in finding people to support his cause. The creators of the wall are debating waiting for him to get hungry or to just tear it down on the intended date.
and she had this to say. “I’ve been really depressed ever since my grandmother died. On top of that I just got accepted into med school and I absolutely hate science. I’m just doing this so my parents would love me. If it was up to me I’d move to california and start my own tech company. My guidance counselor keeps recommending me to go to CAPS but I say fuck her. All I need is a good old fashioned L.I.T.” It’s clear that mostly everyone is on board with this change. Soon the student body here at Rutgers will be feeling lively once again.
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Features
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“Fuck me.”
CRAPCHAT
I MUSTACHE YOU A QUESTION
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T ADD YOUR FOREIGN COUSINS ON SNAPCHAT THEY WILL SNAP YOU EVERY MORNING WITH THE CAPTION ‘GOOD MORNING’ WITH A BUNCH OF LAUGHING AND KISSING EMOJIS WHICH AREN’T EVEN THE REAL EMOJIS BECAUSE THEY HAVE A FUCKING SAMSUNG. IT’S JUST LIKE THAT GIRL FROM SIXTH GRADE WHO WOULD TEXT ME ‘GOOD MORNING’ EVERY GODDAMN MORNING ALL OVER AGAIN. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.
Top Ten Mustaches in Cartoons, Films and TV in Reverse, Reverse Order 10. Pringles guy 9. Ned Flanders 8. Borat 7. White Goodman 6. Ron Swanson 5. Mario and Luigi 4. Ron Burgundy 3. Yosemite Sam 2. Uncle Rico 1. Doug Dimmadome Honorable mentions: The Lorax, Snidley Whiplash, Inspector Clouseau, Dick Dastardly, Captain Jack Sparrow, Hitler, Charlie Chaplin, Hook, Ignacio (Nacho), Brian Fantana, Jules (from Pulp Fiction not Superbad you uncultured swine.) Thanks to all who didn’t vote! you get a meal swipe, you get a meal swipe! Things You’ll Spend that Extra Meal Swipe Dollar on 1. A bag of paper 2. Four 3-year-old 25 cent gumballs that last for 7 seconds 3. Bread from the dollar store 4. Peanut butter from the dollar store 5. Jelly from the dollar store 6. Laxatives... from the dollar store Things Weirder than Empire of the Sun 1. Nothing, nothing at all. Look at these guys.
kuwtk
Kardashians-Jenners Ranked Shortest to Tallest a.k.a Hottest to Khloe Kourtney Kris Kylie Kim Caitlyn Rob Kendall Khloe
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Opinions
Wednesday, September 27th, 2017
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“It’s the most wonderful time...”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Why are you excited for fall?
“Getting blown by leaves.” Heather Green Very horny.
“The gubernatorial election. ”
Preston Bradshaw Potential future class president.
“Pumpkin spice condoms.” Kandi Dexxxter Works behind Brower Commons.
just keep swimming
I DID NOTHING WRONG BY SPERMY
Listen, I’ve gotten a bad rap, an unfair shake, over the past two decades, so I want to take this time to explain my side of the story, to try to clear my name. Let me start off by introducing myself, my name is Spermy, and I am Bill Clinton’s cum. My story starts in 1995, when I was born into a lower-income family in Bill’s left testicle. We didn’t have much in material goods, being ejaculate, but what we did have was each other. Every time Bill got excited and the sirens in our testicles would sound, we ran to each other hoping we wouldn’t be one of the poor souls to be ripped from our families without warning. On that fateful day, I heard the sirens going off and immediately started swimming home. Before I could get there though, I blacked out. Last I remembered, I felt like I was being shot out of a cannon and a great cold washed over me. When I came to, I couldn’t move, I was stuck on a blue dress. I’ll be honest, the first night I cried. I’d never been so cold and alone. I was stuffed in the back of a closet, and I thought that was the end of it, that at least I’d be forgotten to the ages. Months later though, I was pulled out and ejaculated into the national spotlight. It was awful, everyone was staring at me, taking pictures. Warhol said everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, but I didn’t want it. All I wanted was to go back to my family. Over time, I heard stories from other spermites that my family had been shot together into the vagina of an older woman, and they lived happily together, the rest of their days, but I didn’t get to join them. I’ve lived the rest of my life on this dress, the subject of vitriol from Republicans and Democrats alike, and I hope this clears my name.
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
NASCAR IS THE WORST SPORT BY JON WRIGHT
If the driving around in circles aspect of NASCAR didn’t convince you that it’s more of a hobby of seventeen year-olds who just got a car than a sport, maybe this will. After Trump denounced various football teams and then the whole NFL, he turned to NASCAR, as a shining example of American patriotism. That alone should be a red flag. Of course an activity in which hundreds of hard-working, diligent, White Americans gather to get intoxicated and watch cars drive around the same ellipseshaped track for hours is worthy of praise from Donald Trump, not only because they salute the flag before a “race”, but because they are implicitly saluting the Aryan race. Maybe one reason that no one demonstrates during NASCAR races is because everyone there is white. Then there’s Richard Petty, NASCAR’s “winningest” driver whose response to the protesting in the NFL said “Anybody that don’t stand up for the anthem oughta be out of the country. What got ‘em where they’re at? The United States.” How can you argue with that?
NASCAR ISN’T EVEN AN ACTUAL SPORT BY RAY JAMESON
This debate about kneeling during the national anthem at professional sports games has brought a lot of questions to my mind. One of the most pressing questions I have come to is: NASCAR is considered a professional sport? Where is the outrage there? Driving is simply not a sport. What training is required for NASCAR besides driver’s ed? How many arbitrary rules can one make about driving in circles? To top it off, apparently there are NASCAR “playoffs.” Imagine, there are huge groups of Americans who flock to these competitions to see people drive around in circles and will show up again to see who’s faster in the next round. In my opinion, if a player can’t be more likely to win with the help of steroids, it’s not really a sport. And if there ‘s no diversity of players, it’s not really a sport, it’s a hobby.
LITTLE LAUGHS
SMALL OPINION: JIMMY FALLON IS NOT FUNNY A RANT BY A GIRL WHO DOESN’T THINK JIMMY FALLON IS FUNNY, BUT IS SECRETLY ATTRACTED TO HIM
He is a depressed man trying to remember when he wasn’t. He’s always like “Let’s play Russian Roulette. It’s funny cuz it’s obscure and I play it with all my guests. Also I let all my guests win the games and make a fool of myself and I become the joke, but I’m NOT FUNNY. Not even to laugh at. And definitely not to laugh with. I just want to be a stayat-home-dad, but I’m stuck on this idea that I have to fulfill this comedic dream. I told all my jokes in my youth and I don’t have any left. Higgins is funnier than me.” He is a very nice person though and he wrote a children’s book.
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Personals
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Wednesday, September 27th, 2017
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“Watership Down.”
In Too Deep
I need help, I’m drown- My roommate keeps eating all my food, how do I ing. (Typical millenial, playing stop him? around with their phone (I’d invest in either a miniwhile their life is in mortal fridge, a lockbox, or a taste danger.) for English food.) My thigh is really sweaty. Every time I get a boner (Baby, sweaty, thicc, thin, it’s at a different angle. all thighs save lives...but (Get a protactor and a comyeah get some anti-persp- pass. One to see if its just erant and rub it near your making right triangles with your leg, the other to see if crotch.) Why does my post work- its pointing true north.) out sweat smell like cum? How can I learn to fast (Well when your work out for Yom Kippur? is taking dick, what do you (I would try to live like a expect? I KNOW WHAT normal college student with YOU DO WHILE I’M no meal plan and the closGONE STACY! jk love you est grocery store being a honey please don’t leave five mile walk away. This is me.) from my weight-loss book Jerry Seinfeld is back on “Just Suffer and Cry”. It’s an ethiopian best-seller.) Netflix! (I still think this is an elaboTwo’s Company rate Curb Your Enthusiasm bit that has come to life on Should I have sex with it’s own. We might need to my roomate? put it down.) (Didn’t you already ask me this? Look just walk around SURPRISE! STILL NO INTERNET! MORE your place shirtless these LOW RESOLUTION IMAGES OF CLOWNS! next few weeks and if anything happens, roll with it.) Fuck that kid in front of me on the bus taking snaps, I’m in all his photos now. (Hey man, its free exposure. I know some acting students who’d kill for that.) I have the sneaking suspicion that my professor is a total bitch. (The best test is to spend all class on your phone and see if they say anything.) At this point I know more about this class than my professor, why am I here? (Yeah, that is generally what happens when you take a class again. Honestly most professors don’t really know what they are talking about, they just say what’s in the textbook word for word. This is doubly true if your professor wrote it.) Aunts > ants. (I’m from an old school Catholic family so I can say, enough Aunts can still ruin a picnic.) I want to see what Kim Jong-Un’s twitter response would be to DT’s tweets. (I looked, but his account is mainly just pictures of food he’s eating, food he wants to eat, and food his people will never eat.) Can you get STD’s from watching porn? (Only with incest porn. So much like opioid addiction, it’s decimating the rural South and Midwest.) Handjobs fuckin SUUUUUUCK! (Handjobs should be put into the same category as hickies. Sure they were a great way to end prom night or your grandpa’s funeral, but once you’ve been beyond why ever go back?)
Hussle and Bussle
Join us at our pitch meetings. Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
QOTD
Man vs. Food
Should I get off the bus at College Ave. Student Center, or just ride to Scott Hall? (As long as you have working legs, get off your ass and walk. Americans are fat enough already, take the extra five minutes to walk in a straight line. An LX is crowed enough without you lazy bums.)
“Behind every great man, is a great woman who should have gotten the credit.” -Mrs. Proverb
Strained
Phoned In
I got the less cool version of herpes. (All y’all simplex ones can’t even handle us simplex twos. We are just double the infection you will ever be.)
My phone keeps ringing from people who are calling the wrong number. Is this the universe trying to tell me to get more friends?
I’m trying to focus, but everyone at my dorm is so freaking loud. (Just stop showering for a couple weeks and your smell alone will keep everyone away and out of your room.) I fucked a Four Loko can and now I think I am a douchebag.
(Probably, but most likely its the universe telling you to get off AT&T. Though Verizon sucks too, and Sprint... Come to think of it, all phone comopanies suck. Just get some carrier pigeons and start the Pony Express back up.)
Can it please stop being hot out? I have so many cool jackets to wear.
(...how? Why? Do you have any control over your life?) (Hey, Al Gore warned us People who order the and we failed him.) endless pasta passes at Lewis Carroll was a horOlive Garden deserve to rible child molester. die. (Aside from a pleasant one? (There is an endless pasta Wonderland was probably pass? Holy crap! I need to Alice’s coping device.) go to Olive Garden now. I could feed myself for weeks.) Why do the service dogs Is it weird that I’m get- all look so fluffy? I just ting huge Katrina vibes want to grab them and from this Puerto Rico keep them forever. (Yeah, leashes kinda make situation? (Though this time we al- that plan difficult. Also ready know our president those dogs are all secretly doesn’t care for brown peo- assholes. Yup, the first thing ple. BOOM liberal media they are taught is loathing, then sarcasm, and finally strikes again.) how to unplug lifesupport Why is my girlfriend try- machines. Just watch them ing to get me pregnant? next time you see one... I don’t think she knows dead-souless-eyes.) how lesbians work... How was everyone’s Jew (Its the same in all relation- Years? ships, someone tries to de(Good, except I’m not jewvise a means to tie the other ish. I just hope no one noperson to them. Children, ticed that I called it Jew organ donation, realesYears because I can’t spell tate, any chain to hold you Rushishanananana.) down, they’ll find it.)
Page a7
Wednesday September 27, 2017
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Twitter Poll
Outlets
by: Bio-Engineering Major
I can’t stop putting my dick into them. And it’s not my fault. They look like faces. When they’re well placed, I find the O difficult to resist. However the O is never big enough for me, so I have to try really hard, I usually don’t get much in but that’s ok.
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? A) 1 B) 2 C) None of the above Tweet your answers @themediumRU or tell is in person in the College Avenue Student Center Room 411B on Wednesdays 7:45PM
If I were dating someone blue most of the time I wouldn’t notice but then every few days I’d be like ‘omg you’re blue” and he’d be like “I know.”
I Had a Dream
Disclaimer: These are real dreams by real Rutgers students.
I had a dream where I was about to be eaten by a wolf, and like I knew what it felt like to be a wolf’s dinner. I dreamt I was a shark. I was in a hotel and I had a dream I was in the same hotel and that I was walking towards my door to my room and my grandfather showed up(my grandfather is dead) and then my mom started fading away.(shes alive) so like I was trading one for the other. It really freaked me out. I had it when I was 10. I still remember it. I have a recurring nightmare that I'm a chess piece in a yugioh game. I had a dream that a group of Russians drove up to my house pointing icbms at it. I had a dream that this guy I used to have a crush on in high school’s body got replaced by an Indian spirit’s centuries old body but he was still himself, like his own consciousness, so I liked him, his face as described in the dream “was the literal depiction of a Child taking nails and putting them on his face as teeth. In the dream I thought ‘this is like after dead pool got cancer except not really because this person’s faces wasn’t nearly as identifiable as this guy’s face, this person’s body was not really a body he had to wear this armor thing to disguise his face most of the time and I could almost imagine making out with him but I wouldn’t know where to put myself, so I couldn’t. I had a dream I saw the devil in the midst of strokes of red and scratches of blacks. With what I could only assume was blood and nothingness. I started to feel the pain of the devil as, he tossed turned screamed and yelled I started to feel like a voodoo doll. It was trying to tell me something but I couldn’t understand. A tear fell from my eye, I don’t know why. I saw bright numbers and thought of a clock. Tick tock. I felt Death. I woke up. I learned the next day my grandmother died. I had a dream I was walking down the usual block, sipping on some coke and getting hyped for crossing the street. Then I turn my head and see a plane in a distance. It got closer and closer, but then I started to realize its heading towards me. Then it hit me. I had a dream I was on a Rutgers bus that just stopped at every bathroom. Please submit your dreams to themedium.a7@gmail.com and we may feature them in our next paper!
Sept. 27th, 2017 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com CRUSHING THE PATRIARCHY
Gi r l o n rowin g team could d e f i ni t ely beat up your dad Throb lowe frequent masturbator
New Brunswick— The Rutgers University Athletic Department has confirmed that the really strong girl on the rowing team could absolutely kick your dad’s ass. Junior Marisa Sikes could either make your dad tap out in a rear-naked chokehold, or crack his supraorbital foramen with an overhand right jab whenever she wants. “Marisa isn’t a violent person” said Coach Annie Shonders “but I’ve seen how much she can bench press, and I wouldn’t piss her off.” At practice this past Wednesday Sikes set a new personal best in the weight room, achieving a one-repmax of 225 lbs. Later that day during the team’s collective lap around the Livingston campus Sikes finished third among her teammates,
Bad Bitches With Biceps Marisa Sikes shows off her muscular form during practice.
confirming she possesses the physical prowess to beat up the one person who you’ve relied on to protect you for your entire life. “Marisa is in her peak physical shape, and nobody can deny it. She might be the best
athlete who's sat in these long boats since Erika Cummings back in ‘86” said assistant coach Devin Waterson. Detrimental to the situation is your aging father ’s declining health. A phone call to your mother confirmed that your
father has been breaking a sweat walking up the stairs from the kitchen to the bedroom and has been “exerting himself in the bathroom.” Despite stories about all the fights he won at bars in college, your dad is in no shape to fight. Trainers at the local gym can confirm that your dad hasn't shown up to a spin class in nearly three months, and his credit card statement is littered with charges from Arby's and Taco Bell. Given your father ’s condition, it’s a clear shot that Sikes would destroy your father in any capacity of physical combat, regardless of the fact that your dad has at least 50 lbs on her. You can watch her and the rest of the Rutgers Women's Rowing team show of their strength when they take on Princeton on October 29th.
WELCOME TO THE SMALL LEAGUES
giants fans hope for global thermonuclear war w i t h N . K o r e a f o llow in g 0-3 start stephen a. smiff unqualified
mead o w l ands — W h i l e Donald Trump's continued verbal sparring match with Kim Jong Un and North Korea instill fear in nearly all of humanity, there is one group of people who are welcoming global destruction. After the New York Giants 0-3 start, embarrassed and downtrodden fans of the team are praying for quick, skin-melting death. "I mean the fucking Jets have a better record than the Giants right now," said Fair Haven native Gus Grazianno. "The fucking cocksucking Jets have a win, yet Eli Manning
an 11-5 season, I thought all was good," said Danny Rizzo of West Orange. "Now I just want those Korean bastards to kill me." Giants fans, who are mostly drunken Trump supporters who'd rather stay home on Sunday than go watch their daughter's peewee soccer game, previously erred on the side of caution Only Sweet Death Can Save You Now concerning a war with North A Giants fan looks on in misery, hoping for destruction from above. Korea. "I have nothing to live and his stupid fucking face high coming into the season, for anymore," said Paul can't win. Just drop a nuclear with sights being set on a Valentino. "Hit me as hard bomb on me and my man cave possible super bowl run. "We got Brandon as the offensive line lets Eli already." Fan expectations were Marshall, we're coming off Manning get hit."
furiously masturbating SInce 1970