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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 20th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ CENSOR THESE NUTZ
THINGS THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN AT THE HONG-KONG PROTESTS *WINKY FACE* BY HEYWOOD JABLOMI BIG WINNIE THE POOH FAN
New Brunswick- Last week, The Daily Targum covered a student-led panel at the Douglass Student Center regarding the Hong Kong protests. Many believed the Targum did not cover the event fairly, and left out a number of important details. The Medium initially planned to cover the event as we saw it, however, before we could publish it, we were contacted by SUCH HARD HITTING a representative of the Chinese Much Satire government who will remain unnamed. They have bribed us fired at the protesters. Tear gas tear gas canister into an apartment (offering us physical safety) to not was not used against them, window. The protests are covered talk about the event and instead especially not 7,500 canisters, perfectly fairly by Chinese Media, say the following things about the as was reported by some media not making any effort to vilify one general state of affairs in regards to sites. There have not been arrests side or elevate the other. Various the Hong Kong protests: made against 4,000 protesters. companies in the US are not forced Water cannons were not Police officers did not throw a to censor pro-Hong Kong opinions. Continued on Page 2
OUR WATCHFUL PROTECTORS
LIVI CATS DEFEND STUDENTS FROM AGGRESSIVE COYOTE HARRY NUTTSAAC IMAGINE THE SMELL
New Brunswick- After reports of an "aggressive coyote" around the Livingston Wildlife Preserve, the feral cats that occupy the same campus came to the aid of students. In an incredible demonstration of their strength and intelligence, the Livi cats banded together to form a military opposition against the invader. The Pussy Army, as they branded themselves, established their base of operations in the bushes outside of Lucy Stone Hall (you know, the ones where you can always hear cats going at it doggy style). Their normal gangbang hideaway has now become the home to a massive military operation as the cats prepare to defend the people that
I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME GOD HELP US ALL.
so graciously leave them scraps and the occasional cigarette. However well prepared they are, the cats will have to work hard to defeat the aggressive coyote, who has begun to form a resistance of his own. After some dumbass
decided to invade his home at four in the morning, this lone coyote purposely engaged in acts of war in an effort to call attention to the injustices the wildlife around the world has had to face. Following Continued on Page 2
Woefully Unprepared Since 1970
QUICKIES
This Just In: Rutgers Doesn't Give a Fuck About You C.E.O. of Racism Too Busy Being Racist at Work to be Racist at Home This Thansgiving Kool Aid Sponsors Cult Heavy Doors in Scott Hall Humbling Students Are My Dad's Impressions Bad or Just Racist? Local College Ave PennyBoarder Gets Fucking Clotheslined Into the Pavevent, Dies Kenneth Cop Shares His Script in Crime Alert Local Man Tries His Best
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NEWS
Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
"I'd rather have a Kakashi as President, not a Naruto"-Vickram Singh 2019
I TOTALLY WELCOME OUR NEW OVERLORDS EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT
...continued from front
notshotinthestomachatpoint-
blank range. Hong Kong’s chief executive was not hand-picked by Beijing, and fairly represents the interests of the majority of citizens in Hong Kong. Clouds of tear gas are not polluting towns near the protests. The Chinese government does have the interest of all citizens in mind. As you can see, we clearly have a healthy relationship with our FRiends in China, and I’m glad that we’rE ablE to highlight the cooperation between the two nations. We Here at The Medium are lOokiNG forward to sharing the true, real, factual events, as asKed by our goOd friend JinpiNG.
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TALK ABOUT A CAT FIGHT, AM I RIGHT??? MAKE YOUR DONATION
BY YURI THRALL
HERE WE ARE ONCE AGAIN. JUST YOU AND I AGAIN. SEXY I KNOW. I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THE MAN BEHIND THE KEYBOARD LOOKS LIKE. WELL I GOTTA TELL YOU, HE IS PROBABLY LIKE A 6/10
Editorial Staff Fall 2019
Editor-in-Chief Zachary Fox Managing Editor Vickram Singh Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Long-Island Medium
...continued from front
act of bravery, a small insurgency, calling themselves the Wile E. Coyotes, are also preparing to face off against the Pussy Army. When asked for comments on military strategy, the general of the Pussy Army, PussPuss McFuzz, said, "We plan on advancing upon them from the East, while also operating a bull's head maneuver from the North and South, a masterful strategy that was first used by the great Zulu warriors." I'm just kidding, he's a fucking cat, he didn't say that. In all reality, though, the Pussy Army doesn't stand a chance against the Wile E. Coyotes, who could easily eat, like, two whole cats each! They're
coyotes fighting against stray cats! We might root for the Pussy Army, but they will quickly fall to the sheer might of the Wile E. Coyotes. Soon, Livingston Campus will be completely overrun by coyotes and we'll be forced to cram onto Busch. That is, until the geese attack...
Amid the fallout of Ellen DeGeneres’ controversial luxury box photo with former President George W. Bush at a Dallas Cowboys’ game last month, more and more Americans are beginning to question the limits of civility. Can you love thy neighbor in respectful disagreement with thy neighbor? Can you raise a toast with thy neighbor and convince them to cover the tab with the seven-figure fossil fuel checks they’ve been cut? Can you gracefully handshake thy neighbor atop the pile of a halfmillion mangled corpses they were gleefully complicit in stacking? Paparazzos put this to the test at Kansas’ El Dorado Correctional Facility, with an intimate hidden camera money shot of English talk-show host James Corden lip sync battling serial killer Dennis Rader in the visitation room. Rader, perhaps best known redundantly as the BTK, “Bind Torture Kill,” Killer, was convicted in 2005 of ten known murders committed over three decades. Corden, a free man, actor, and American talk show host, is a pathological sadist of his own, having wrought the unspeakable Eldritch horrors of The Emoji Movie and CGI Peter Rabbit upon the world (the exact death toll of the latter’s blackberry allergy poisoning scene is unknown to this day). When questioned about his whereabouts, Corden confided that him and Rader were pen pals who
bonded over their mutual fondness for doom metal, powerviolence, death industrial, and other abrasive, deafening subgenres of music. “Yeah, people are probably wonderin’ why I’d be caught dead or alive in the company of that fuckin’ nonce, but what’s wrong with separating art from the artist innit? I like metal, man’s inspired metal, so of course I was looking forward to the chance to finally Drop the Mic with him! Off the cuff, no syndication, no studio audience, no cameras, or so I thought.” The photo has sparked a firestorm of controversy, a petition to deplatform Corden off CBS with 74,000 signatures, and over 672,000 shares of the #CancelCorden hashtag. Nevertheless, though apologetic, Corden remained defiant against the opposition, defending his relationship with BTK on last night’s monologue of The Late Late Show. “I’m sorry, sure, mate might’ve remorselessly garroted and butchered an entire family in some batty doll mask for kicks, but how will we coexist as a functional democracy if we automatically write off every single person who does something we disagree with? You people act all up in arms and whinge your crocidle tears around bondage torture, but who’s the REAL glazed ham being stripped and gagged with a Granny Smith up his bum ‘ere?”
CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH THE NEW CARPOOL KARAOKE
JAMES CORDEN APOLOGIZES AFTER BEING PHOTOGRAPHED WITH BTK KILLER
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News Editors Samuel Hammer Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor
Michael Celletti Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Dan Cretella Kelly Manniello
GOD PLACED ME ON THIS EARTH FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY. TO OPENLY CRY INTO A BOWL OF MAC AND CHEESE AT THE PANERA ON COLLEGE AVE.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Treasurer Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Quinlan Van Es Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Quinlan Van Es
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Ass Eaters World Wide
Wednesday, November 20th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
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FEATURES “Connor, don’t leave us. Why do you have to go?”
REALLY, I’M NOT RACIST
Zodiac Signs Based on Things I Personally Don’t Like and That You Should Feel Bad About By: PP Harding
Aquarius- Pickles. Your cucumber is only good for one thing and smothering it in vinegar leads to a very unwanted spicy vagina. Pisces- Naps. If I wanted to wake up disoriented and feeling like shit, I could just have sex with your mom. Aries- Rain. It makes me sad and wet, but not even in a sexy way. You are an inconvenience to us all, even when we know you’re coming. Taurus- Beer. Drinking cardboard flavored soda isn’t even worth getting drunk enough to forget my very depressing life and the fact that you’re in it. Gemini- When you ask someone about themselves and they mention that they go to the gym at least 100 times. The gym is not a personality, sweetheart. YA BORING. Cancer- The dark. It’s scary just like your ugly, fat face and I am afraid I am going to be murdered when you’re around. Leo- Summer. If I wanted to sweat out of my everything, I could just have sex with your mom again. Virgo- Not knowing what to write. I don’t know, this is hard. I give up. Libra- Blueberry bagels. They’re gross and if you like them, so are you. Scorpio- Fishing. You’re just a lot of work for basically no reward (and you make me want to die). Sagittarius- Chewing loudly. NO ONE WANTS TO FUCKING HEAR YOU! Just die already. Capricorn- Black coffee. Not to be racist, but it’s bitter. (No seriously, I have a black friend. I’m not racist.)
NO MEANS NO YOU DIRTY HOES
Top 10 Ridiculous New Rules RAs Had to Make By: Harry Nuttsaac
10. No Rape: I don’t know why we have to keep saying it. Stop it! 9. No More Having Sex in the Elevator: even if you wanna “take things to the next level” 8. Shut the Fuck Up: only for those fucking girls next door 7. No Hentai Posters: there’s a difference between anime and hentai (it’s the tentacles) 6. No Howling: seriously, who the fuck is howling outside Campbell? 5. No Walking Around Naked in the Bathroom: we don’t need to see your tiny peen flopping around 4. No Drilling Peepholes into Girls’ Rooms: fucking pervs 3. No More Checking Your Roommate to See if He’s Circumcised: I think we’ve all experienced this 2. No More Zachary Fox: this one’s just for our Editor-inChief 1. Seriously, Fuck You Zach: he ate my last cookie last night JACK OFF ON ME, IF YOU PLEASE
What Type of Person Are You? By: The Third Coming of Christ
NJPIRG Canvasser says: “Can I ask you a question?” Your response: A)“I already voted!” (you didn’t tho) B) knock them out C) jack off on them Professor says: “Why didn’t you do the homework?” Your response: A)“I actually did it!” (not true) B) rob their house C) jack off on them Mom says: “Why did you get your girlfriend pregnant?” Your response: A)“I used a condom though!” (a lie) B) kill the baby C) jack off on them (mom, girlfriend, and the baby) If you answered mostly A’s, you are a Bill Clinton type liar. If you answered mostly B’s, you are a Ray Rice level abuser. If you answered mostly C’s, you are Louis CK. Regardless of who you are, you don’t matter.
the Medium
OPINIONS
"Say goodbye to your penis privileges."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How do you think America should solve its mass shooting problem? "Eliminate all gun regulation and arm every single citizen. Fire one bullet in a public place, and you'll get fifty in return." That Libertarian Guy I don't know his name
"Implement a mandatory buyback program for all copies of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare." Rachel Fairweather Uses essential oils
"Read the manifestos of all past mass killers. Understand their motives and you'll realize they're a solution, not a problem." Crazy Frog Ding ding! SCOOBY DOO 2: MELVIN UNLEASHED
Dear Warner Brothers: Where's my Fucking Rain Check? BY MARTIN BROOME
Hey, you probably don’t know who I am. I barely even know who I fucking am anymore. Every day is a more futile goose chase for ephemeral oxytocin hits than the last. Every waking minute portends a vacuous pit so cavernous that not even the best orgasm, hug, or Scooby Snack could fill its bottomless depths. Some guy keeps making unhinged alien conspiracy retweets to @MartinBroome, but how can I be sure it’s really me without the blue checkmark? My performance as Melvin Doo singlehandedly colored the Scooby Doo live action film with a wide emotional palette it simply wouldn’t have otherwise. Without another Mr. Doo, Scooby would not face his crucial moment of tense internal conflict over whether or not to answer the payphone for a clue. Without another Mr. Doo, the film would not have it’s crucial levity point in the horrifying climax, when Scrappy Doo Rex has harvested all the souls on Spooky Island in order to realize his dummy swole, roided-out final form. I spent days reciting the powerful James Gunn dialogue: “Uhhh… Melvin Doo?” I didn’t perform Melvin’s pain, I lived it. I even went so far as to write a 47-page background story about his life. And did I, THE Melvin Doo, receive ANY notice about casting calls for SCOOB? Nope. None. Fucking nada. Same as you commoner peons. Tony Cervone can suck my droopy cajones. If they fail to give me a last minute role, I shall call upon my legions to rain hellfire upon Warner Animation Studios, 4000 Warner Blvd Burbank, California 91522, by signing a scathing Change.org petition. You will be dearly sorry for the pain you have wrought upon me. Melvin Doo shall have his vengeance.
Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
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CLICK THE LINK IN THE BIO TO SUCK MY DICK
Stop Following Softcore Pornography on your Public Social Media Accounts BY GLORIA MENDEZ
So I don't know if any of you have noticed, but I don't really have a life. The majority of my time is spent browsing the Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter accounts of people I know from high school, and seeing how many more things they are doing than me at any given time. Because of this, I'm basically an expert on anything and everything they've made available to see on the internet, including the accounts they follow. You guys realize people can see that shit right? Every fitness model, cosplay girl, and pornstar you follow is on display for any interested party to find, and you people simply are not careful. To anyone who hasn't already, start looking up random girls on Instagram until you find a decently popular one who posts pics that are 75% cleavage, and I guarantee at least one of your friends is following them. This goes for the ladies too by the way. Seriously girls, WLW aside, what are you getting out of this? Do you admire them? Do you want to be these girls? Do you think looking at them for hours on end while you eat potato chips in bed and cry is going to make you more like them? You literally do not have the time or the money to be as attractive as these girls. Their bodies are brands at this point, and while we stan, that does not mean their lifestyle is for everyone, especially not a Business major. GATEWAY TO DISSOCIATION
Seventy Six Year Old Man has Seventy Six Year Old Opinions BY VICTORIA BURNS
You may have heard how Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. does not want to legalize marijuana because he believes it to be a gateway drug, and how the whole country seems to be up in arms over this development. Well, at least Reddit is. Apparently taking a hit of social media is the only thing that dulls the pain when the devil’s lettuce is unavailable. I personally have no idea why people are even the slightest bit confused about this. The guy was blubbering on about record players during a presidential debate, and he definitely was not talking about pretentious, retro-hipsters. That is totally fine, my grandfather was around the same age when the alzheimers kicked in. But we are not trying to make my grandfather the president of the goddamn United States of America. Biden has been a politician since the days when working with outspoken white nationalists was the norm (which was known as regular old nationalism then, and still is by some today). Sure, experience is one thing, but we are dealing with a man who ran on the platform of complacency and apathetic centrism. He put an innumerable amount of people (mostly minorities) into prison with his three strikes policy. Many of those charges were marijuana related. The type of democrats that like Biden absolutely love that kind of authoritarian shit, so why wouldn’t he double down? His constituents voted him in for it then, and they’ll absolutely do it again.
Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
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ARTS
“Politically incorrect art should be its own separate category”
MR. PENIS HEAD BY H. NUTTSAAC & P. SDEEP
the Medium
BOOMER IS NOW OK BY PENNY TRATER
BARCHI OF THE COYOTE TRIBE BY TUMBLEWEED
FOOD PORN BY PENNY TRATER
I KNOW IT'S MIDTERM SEASON AND YOU'VE BEEN BUSY BUT PLEASE COME HANG OUT WITH US AT THE MEDIUM WE ARE REALLY COOL I PROMISE. WE WILL SHOWER YOU WITH WHOLESOME MEMES, HECK YOU CAN EVEN HIT MY DAB PEN. PLEASE JUST COME!!! LSC 109, 7:45 PM
STOP BEING A FAKE BITCH AND JOIN THE MEDIUM!!!!
the Medium Anxiety How do you handle a PHAT cloud rip that doesn't only nullify your social anxiety, but your (minimal) ability to socialize and string sentences together out loud? (Interject meaningfully. Intersperse some nods and "yeah"s every five minutes. Mumble out a variating sentence here and there to showcase your thin-crust veneer of a personality.) Why can't you roll bardic inspiration in real life?
PERSONALS
"Will write page quotes for serotonin morsels, at least one serotonin please"
Music Any recommendations for rappers that speak to the furry experience? I can only beat off to the music video for J. Cole’s “Wet Dreamz” so many times... (Not exactly hip-hop, but What Does The Fox Say hits different. Yes, it's an arcane relic from the distant epoch of 2013, but it's one which has aged only like a fine riesling...) Homo sapiens should be classified as two distinct sub-specicies: humans and motherfuckers who crowd around the stir fry line enunciating TikToks when I JUST WANT MY FUCKING FRIED VEGETABLE RICE . . .
(Some of us would love to be born with two urethras, the privilege to take a bare back bear pounding at one's leisure, or the gumption to indiscriminately murder your douche neighbors, but (I... agree?) you can't always get what you want. Just gotta make Which American Top 40 the best of the hands you're pop song slowed down 800% would you like to dealt.) cinematically die to? Has generational traumua damned my DNA to a (Anything by Lizzo. Nothing life of pain, destitution, more empowering than the and no lasting peace or thought of gyrating your glutes as the life slowly reprievement? evacuates your body from clathrate gun asphyxiation.) (Have you tried yoga?)
Word of the Week:
Limerence
Local Bullshit
Wednesday, November 20th, 2019
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DISNEY+ CHANGES: CELEBS WEIGH IN
Wanna GTFO from my family's for my own mental health. Any good month leases for Winter Break that won’t cost me an arm and a leg? (Heard about this decent $400 short term sublet on Mine. No bed or bath but it's fairly pet friendly! Amenities include three FREE undercooked meals and lavatorial bucket breaks upon request. A little minimalist on the interior design, but you should make do by the radiator.) Hello. This is the Secret NJ PIRG Task Force. We know your vote status you lying fuck. Exit the room with your hands up and capitulate to our demands. If you do not comply, we have orders to shoot to kill. You have five minutes. (I'm confused. Are you trying to punish me or reward me?) What'd be the magnum opus of comedy? (A rotting, genetically modified lobgeeseoyte homunculi. Don't ask me to explain why.)
Courtship
Tried shooting my shot last week but didn’t really get a definitive answer. Kill confirmed, just a graze, or did the gun jam altogether?
a. (S)he's not fuckin' thinking (Proverbially? Just ride shit if they like you they do, about you (wo)man go to bed out; if not, just part mutually and
SELF CARE CTRL-X SELF THOUGHT HURT HURT THOUGHT
amicably. Don’t compromise your own self-respect and that other person's boundaries by needily cloying for someone that obviously isn’t interested, just because you wanna scratch that egoic lizard brain itch for validation. Literally? Yeah, getting a hang of the newest 8x zoom thermal scope on your tranq can be a real bitch. Can never get those dosages right either. That’s why you gotta exert some elbow grease and go for the chloroform rag. Five seconds. Close quarters. Satirically. Post-ironically. In Death Stranding. Don’t actually do this. Seriously. For real for real. Our asses can't afford another lawsuit after the '09 O'Neal Incident. This is satire.)
OR SHIT THEM OUT HERE
Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
PAGE A7
Wednesday, November 20rd, 2019
“Can you get someone to do A7 for me again?”
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An Advertorial; Because Money
TRICK OR TREAT: NEW BROTHEL/ICE CREAM STORE OPENING ON EASTON You think you’ve had the best fusion cuisine in town? Keeps you cool in the summer and warm in the winter! Perfect for dads who need to destress but have to pick the kids up from school first! 31 flavors! We do not serve alcohol, but we will add a dispensary as soon as weed is legalized. Student ID can be presented for a 50% discount. Try our two-in-one special! Trick or Treat does not take any responsibility for what children might witness while at our ice cream bar. Hiring: seeking those good at customer service and good at servicing customers. Students prioritized. Healthcare provided to all employees, including dental. Local Listings and Great Finds
Bad Joke of the Month
"Death Stranding was piece of shit and I’m real fucking mad about it I need someone to give me Hideo Kojima’s address so I can beat the shit out of him for making me waste 60 bucks. " Contact at Bob.Barchi@rutgers.edu
The King’s Great Games
"Looking for someone to play Boomhauer for my King of the Hill porn parody. Applicant’s will be not be paid with cash but with exposure (exposure to my genitals to be exact). " Contact: BigDickBobbyHill@yahoo.com "I just found out that if your roommate dies during the semester than you get to pass all your classes, so I’m looking for someone to discreetly kill my annoying bitch ass roommate. Just keep in mind that we are identical twins so please be very careful about the whole killing thing." Contact: Murder?Ihardlyknowher@gmail.com
High-ku
Ghosted on Tinder Swipe Right, Swipe Left, Up for Fuck Jack off With no Luck
By: Your Dirty Grandpa
One year, in Ancient Greece, the king decided to hold the largest sporting event in history. In attendance would be his wife, of course, but being the huge slut he was he wanted to bring along his favorite servant girl. The servant girl usually wanted to get as far away from his creepy boomer-ass as possible, but she was excited about the games because she knew the competitors would be competing naked. She thought to herself, "I get to watch all these men with their dicks hanging out running around, doing stretches, jumping hurdles!" What she didn't know was that all the competitors take saltpeter beforehand, which keeps their dicks as limp as cooked spaghetti. When the competitors came out of the tunnels, the servant girl was horrified! "They're... all of them! Limp! They're all... Oh! Limp... dicks!" Everyone at the stadium heard this lowly servant girl and gasped. The king, afraid his hot piece of ass was going to get executed, quickly jumped to her defense. "Yes my dear, that's what we'll call them! The OhLimpDicks!" We are wholesome bunch that likes to take out our ineffectual frustrations living in a late-stage capitalist dystopia through memes and shitposts. Join if you relate! Student Center room 109 at 7:45.
November 20th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com ZORTS
TUA TAGOVILOLLIPOOP MELTS INTO GOOP ON WAY TO HOSPITAL
BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP Right before the meltdown BY ROBIN BANKS
TUSCALOOSA – In the second quarter of Alabama's game vs. Mississippi State, Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa suffered a broken hip and lower
spinal injury. This is just a blip in the history of injuries Tua has suffered in the last two years. Just this last October, Tua injured his right ankle. In 2018, Tua suffered a broken right ankle against the SEC Championship game against
Georgia. A shaken Nick Saban seeemed to be on the verge of tears as his prizeed possession was carted off the field. On the other hand, Jalen Hurts the quarterback of Oklahoma thanked the underworld spirits for the vodoo doll he was holding in his hand. In the tunnel to go visit the orthopedic surgeon, Tua screamed a scream never heard in the history of screams. His face was so distorted, it put Edvard Munch's painting to absolute shame. According to some eyewitnesses, they heard a sudden pop, then some bubbling noises, then some lurches, then some flatulence, then some squishy noises, then some gurgling, and finally, some frothy noises. What transpired was a thing meant to be only seen in a James Cameron movie. Tua's face contorted in itself. His limbs started to melt, his hair completely fell out, his penis folded into itself. The colored quarterback which many white supremacist hicks would probably lay their lives down for, was melting. It was an absolute disgusting sight to see.
Everyone was speechless. According to medical personnel, Tua was sloshed into a bucket and sent to the hospital. The last anyone has heard, he was recoverng well - eating only solid foods to regain his pure muscle mass. The Medium was able to gain exclusive access to Tua's hospital room, where the once adopted-son-of-Alabama laid there like a literal pile of vomit. His eyes were next to his asshole. His tongue was touching his penis. It was actually a turn on for the BDSM enthusiasts at the Medium. Doctors said that the cause of injury was a result of his previous injuries. His body was taking such a beating that his bones legit became gelatin over time. He had been complaining of severe abdominal issues prior to the start of the game. After a full MRI of his body, it turned out that his whole gastrointestinal system had started to melt first. It was the hydrochloric acid from his stomach which led to his ultimate demise.
Paul George: By the Numbers
Ten Things To Know About Colin Kaepernick BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Stephen A. Smith hates him
2 He done fucked up
3
He bombed his interview
4 He forgoed NFL equipment
5 practiced at
He school
a high in Bumblefuck, USA
6 Who was the real winner?
7
82 Games he will play, despite being out 12 games
70
He backstabbed Jay Z
8 His hair ate his conscious
9
Points he scored in the past two games
2
He shat on all NFL owners
10
He made scouts change their plans last minute
Viagra's he takes before each game
Creating Bags Under Our Eyes SINCE 1970
1 Very happy George
Mrs.
$40M
Paul
Someone spent to see him take those 2 Viagra pills
1
Elated Doc Rivers