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RutgersMedium.com
April 29TH 2015
Volume XLIX Issue X 50¢
Presents:
Guide to the
Dear Gentlepeople of the B10 Community, Welcome to the Big Ten! As one of the newest members of this conference, Rutgers is poised to take the world by storm. But before we do, The Medium, Rutgers’ premier source of university news is bringing you the exclusive inside scoop all about the Big Ten! This motley crew of 14 universities has flagship research facilities, unparallelled sports teams, and an increasingly diverse body of students and faculty committed to making the world a more interesting place.
Inside you’ll find the following universities: Page A2: Fuck Penn State University, THE Ohio State University Page A3: University of Minnesota, University of Iowa Page A4: University of Illinois, Northwestern University Page A5: Purdue University, Indiana University Page A6: University of Michigan, Michigan State University Page A7: University of Nebraska, University of Wisconsin Page A8: Rutgers University, University of Maryland Get excited Rutgers! Love,
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FUCK PENN STATE UNIVERISTY
FUCK PENN STATE
Fuck Penn State University is a world renowned institution of higher education with many locations throughout Pennsylvania. Hailed as the premier public research university on the east coast, Fuck Penn State has a wide selection of majors and academic programs for students to choose from. Most notable is their dual-degree in Child Psychology and Exercise Science where students can get real world experience working in the Fuck Penn State Football program. FPSU has a diverse student body, ranging from former Catholic altar boys to reformed sex offenders looking to turn their
lives around. Fuck Penn State has something for everyone!* *Fuck Penn State University Admissions Office would like to share that there ARE other locations besides the one in University Park, so please everyone don’t all apply there! One of Fuck Penn State’s most famous traditions is giving incoming first-year students a “Where did he touch you doll?” during freshman orientations. FPSU is ranked #85 in the country for child protection services and is actively taking steps to improve conditions on campus. Go FPSU!
Location: College Park, Pennsylvania Founded: 1855 Students: 45,158 idiots flipping news vans Mascot: Knitting Lions
Thoughts about Rutgers
Motto: "Paternus est innocentus" Notable people:Victim 3, Victim 6, Mike McQueary Fight song: "Paterno Doesn't Know" Counts of child abuse: 45
“They seriously are fucking weirdoes. We beat them in one game, and they now act like we’re some kinda genocidal-committing cancer that they get when they fuck each other.”
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY THE Ohio State has top-notch academics and athletics. From Nobel Laureates to Heisman candidates, THE Ohio State University is loaded with talented, dedicated masters of their respective fields. For awhile, it seemed like academics and athletics could not coexist symbiotically. But news from the genetics department of THE Ohio State and the football team is garnering equal attention for each involved party. The scientists and the football team are working together to combine DNA from all three star quarterbacks to create one super quarterback. The football team at THE Ohio State University is not the only sports team working with academic profes-
sionals. Basketball players take the course “Basketball Physics: Orange Ball Goes Up, Orange Ball Goes Down.” Incredible. THE Ohio State is the nation’s best at putting the student in Athlete Student. Several THE Ohio State athlete students attend class. Even Cardale Jones, the latest national champion quarterback who tweeted freshman year “why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL, classes are pointless,” has been playing school, occasionally opting to attend his once-a-week class to sign autographs. Such is the culture that is fostered here at THE Ohio State University
THE OHIO STATE
Location: The Columbus, Ohio Founded: The 1870
Thoughts about Rutgers
Students: The 57,466 Mascot: A nut or a weed leaf or something Motto: "Fuckus all Wolverinia"
“Scarlet Knights? We’re already scarlet, so why don’t you just fucking leave this conference? Our student body already doesn’t know how to count so I am already certain they are gonna start cheering for them whenever we play together.”
Notable people: Jeffrey Dahmer, George Steinbrenner Fight song: "Buck You Bucking Buckeye" Damn Band: Best in the Land
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UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA
MINNESOTA
University of Minnesota- Twin Cities is a public research university established in 1851 and has managed to rank in the top 25 research universities in the nation. The most important thing you need to know is that the people are super duper friendly, always referring to themselves as Minnesota Nice. The Princeton Review even calls them the Hufflepuffs of the Big Ten because of how nice they are. The reason for their politeness is because of Minnesota’s proximity to Canada. During freshman orientation, the President and Dean of Students usually greet incoming students by
saying, “Welcome to the University of Minnesota! Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?” Minnesota’s mascot is the Golden Gopher, so if you like small land mammals, this may be just the school for you. A celebrated tradition at UofM is when Bill Murray comes dressed as his “Caddyshack” character and tries to kill the mascot (in a nice way). Two years ago university officials decided to turn a profit from this, so now for just two easy payments of $19.99, you can watch Bill Murray try to blow up Goldy the Gopher. Isn’t that nice?
Location: Minneapolis- St. Paul, Minnesota
Guy Noir - Class of 1966
Founded: 1851
Guy is an active member of the campus. As a private investigator he attempts to solve problems of petty larson and misdemeanor… just kidding, they are practically Canada. You are safe.
Students: 51,147 and Prince visited once Mascot: Gopher Bill Murray Tries to Kill
Thoughts about Rutgers
Motto: "Commune blah omnibus blah" Notable people: Robert Zimmerman, a Kim Kardashian husband, Garrison Keillor Fight song: "Like a Rolling Stone"
“Oh yeah, they have that mascot, the turtle right? The one that’s holding the big ‘R’ I think.”
Miracles: Nine members of the 1980 USA hockey team attended Minnesota
UNIVERSITY OF IOWA “The University of Iowa is a wonderful place in Iowa City, Iowa. And I’m not just saying that because I’m being held against my will and forced to do so”. The student quoted above and the 30,000 plus students that go to the University of Iowa are infatuated with their school, and why should they not be? They have the resources to specialize in any field they can imagine because the whole world wants to visit Iowa. Although it is a large state university that serves as one of the top public research institutes in the world, no one actually cares about it. Except once every four years, when presidential elections divide not only the student
body and administration in two groups, but also all the cows, farmers, corn fields and other characteristic hillbilly stuff that New Jersey kids don’t know about. Or want to know about. “The courses here are great at giving me hellish nightmares,” Sophomore Andy Kissinger said of Iowa academics. “No matter your major, your professors will spew hateful lies at you and your world will crumble around you. It is this doom that unites the student body as one. May we descend into hell together once and for all and end this purgatory? Not yet. But the day is coming, and I await it eagerly.
IOWA
Location: Iowa Blvd, Iowa City, Iowa County, Iowa
Thoughts about Rutgers
Founded: 1847 Students: 22,354 white people Mascot: Hawkeyes Motto: "Science With Practice"
Rutgers? Is that our newest state? Well I’ll be damned, now I’ll have to pledge allegiance to the 51 states of this federation.”
THE IOWA COCKUS
Notable people: Coke-head Tom Arnold, Superman, Blow-Job Armstrong Fight song: N/A, white people can't fight
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UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS Welcome to the University of Illinois, the home of The Fighting Redskins. The University boasts over 44,000 students, over 150 majors, and over 50 Native American organizations demanding that there be a name change. The Fighting Redskins have become an integral part of the rich tradition of Big Ten athletics. They are constantly honoring the memory of the Native American men and women that their name is based off of. Before every home football game, fans eagerly line up for the “The Trail of Tears.” The football team, dressed in traditional Native American garb and running with spears in hand, is chased off
ILLINOIS
their land and attacked brutally by Anglo-Saxon fans with guns and cannons. In addition to honoring Native American tradition at sporting events, students at the University of Illinois are required to be photographed pretending to care about Native American history by performing rain dances for crop fertility Honestly, it does not matter. What matters is that we can say with confidence that the Fighting Redskins are honoring Native American roots with their name and that university officials have compassion for indigenous people of the Americas. Even if it is not, we can still say it is, and that is what counts.
Location: Urban and Cristal Champaign, Illinois Founded: 1867 Students: 44,520 forgetting about our nation's past
Thoughts about Rutgers
Mascot: Settlers Fighting the Illini Motto: "We aren't racist" Notable people: Chief Illiniwek, Hugh Fucking Hefner Fight song: "Sound of the Natives' Cries"
“I once went down to Jersey actually, and I got some sort of STD so now I know why people call it Slutgers.”
NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY Kanye University- NorthWest campus is an elite private school named after, you guessed it, number one rockstar Kanye West. Located in Evanston, Illinois, the university’s mascot is the Wild KimKats, and their motto is “Imma let you finish but…” which the students shout proudly at every football game. The university is home to buildings such as The Beyonce, originally named the Taylor Swift Library, as well as to the Yeezus School of Fashion. KanyeU of course has an
athletic department, but this is mainly because that’s the only way the school can stay in the Big Ten. Most of the school’s money actually goes to the fashion department. According to students, KanyeU has a rigorous curriculum, centered primarily around the analysis of Kanye West songs, with a little bit of Beyonce thrown into the mix. “We don’t read books. At all,” said one KanyeU student. “We actually don’t even know how to read anything, except Kanye and Beyonce lyrics.”
NORTHWESTERN
Location: Evanston (where?)/ Chicago (ah, ok) Founded: 1851
Thoughts about Rutgers
Students: 21,596 who think they're better than you Mascot: Wildcats Motto: "The Quiet Company"
"Finally! Another no name school in this conference. Literally everyone thinks University of Chicago is the school from Illinois that is in the Big Ten, and even though we keep correcting them, no one seems to even realize we exist!”
Notable people: Rod Blagojevich, Charlton Heston and his guns Fight song: "This Is A Private School" Unofficial mascot: a deep-dish pizza
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PURDUE UNIVERSITY Despite being in the Big Ten, Purdue University isn’t a real university. Contrary to public belief, Purdue is actually a organic, free range chicken farm operating in West Lafayette, Indiana. The company is well known for its homestyle chicken products that are sold all over North America in retail supermarket chains. Their company logo, the Boilermaker, is not even a water heater, as one might think, but is actually a raw piece of chicken thigh. Yum! One of Purdue’s key busi-
PURDUE
ness strengths is their use of open pastures so that chickens can freely roam around instead of being stuck in cages. Purdue chickens are a happy and healthy bunch. Because of how healthy the chickens are, Purdue employees have become really good at cleaning up chicken PU! Their most famous employee was Orville Redenbacher, the inventor of Orville Redenbacher Popcorn. He learned a lot about the food industry while working at Purdue and after graduating, went on to do bigger and better things, like popcorn.
Location: An Indiana town you'll never visit Founded: 1869 Students: 38, 770 (not counting gays) Mascot: Purdue Pete and his Purdue Penis
Thoughts about Rutgers
Motto: "Purdon't" Notable people: Katie Douglas, Lindsay Wisdom-Hylton Fight song: Anything by Michael Jackson Senior Tradition: Peeing in the fountain
“Well Rutgers sounds like some awful chicken if you ask me. Now lemme tell you, Purdue Chicken is the, excuse my French, god-darn finest chicken in the world.”
INDIANA UNIVERSITY Indiana University was established in 1820 and continued to develop in a region heavily influenced by the Ku Klux Klan. Growth was slow, but by the early 1900s, the student population surpassed 1,000 students, even though this meant accepting blacks and gays. The Kelley School of Business was founded in 1921, and to this day, it is a top business school where students are taught to embezzle from companies run by homosexuals. Today, the school is thriv-
ing. In 2011 the magazine Travel+Leisure ranked Indiana as one of the most beautiful campuses in the United States. Part of the campus’ beauty is the annual “Lack-of-Color Run”, where straight, white, protestant men run across campus in colorless bed sheets. The university is proud to be located in a state that openly legislates against gay people. Indiana University can now hearken back to its roots and reject gay applicants.
INDIANA
Location: Bloomingdale's, Indiana Founded: 1820
Thoughts about Rutgers
Students: 43,000 (not counting gays) Mascot: Hoziers Motto: "Yolo" Notable people: Not Larry Bird, Not David Letterman
“Oh yeah, we fucking beat them in Heroes of the Storm so they're pretty trash school. Also they have a campus full of homos in their school I heard.”
Fight song: "White Basketball is Alright, Bobby Knight!" Colors: Peaches and cream
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“
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
MICHIGAN
The University of Michigan was established in 1817, but more importantly Hugh Jackman was established in 1968. Jackman didn’t attend UMich but he is the Wolverine so he is pretty much their mascot. Greek life is also a big part of UMich. Following the many scandals that have rocked the country regarding Greek life, UMich has opted to leave behind their campus police squad and dedicate their time to creating a team of “super cops”. UMich has a state-of-the-art animal science program where researchers mate humans and animals to form a superior race called the M-Men. It needs some work but who can de-
bate a name when mutated students are daging at frat parties? UMich has an illustrious football history and has done the B1G name proud by consistently being one of the top teams in the division. What is unknown by most is how good their water polo team is. In all fairness, their team was part of the animal science experiments and developed gills but hey, there’s nothing against that in the rule book. Mutated or normal, UMich accepts all. And about their beloved Wolverine mascot, urban tales say that the man in the mascot suit really is Hugh Jackman trying to relive his glory days as the Wolverine.
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan Founded: 1817 Students: 43,625
Thoughts about Rutgers
Mascot: Khaki Pants Motto: "Brothers and Sisters, Destroy Ski Resorts" Notable people: Tom Brady's first boyfriend Fight song:"March of the Weather Underground" Opponents storming the field: Rutgers
“Uhm, they only actually beat us cause you know our QB had a flu, I mean cancer, and so we had to use our 4th back up, but he actually has, uh, like two less toes than most people. Also we beat them in basketball, so it’s even.”
MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY In 1885 BC the Agricultural College of Michigan was created because what else is there besides farmers. Not too long after they exclaimed “PLEASURE YOU WANT. PROTECTION YOU TRUST” and thus the Trojans came into existence. It’s important to note that they are different from Spartans. Spartans don’t need protection, they’ve got shirtless Gerard Butler. Trojans on the other hand are getting fucked on the daily and need the protection. The condom company Trojan found it fitting to sponsor the Trojans, because we all know how expensive those “free condoms”
RAs give out are. With the help of the art department, they sculpted a statue of two figures having consensual, safe sex with a Trojan condom. The partnership has caused the university to have an influx of sexy sports leagues. They are now B1G certified in vibrator racing and dildo riding. The Trojan mascot is named “Trojy”, a cute name for a mascot who takes it up the ass just about every game regardless of whether they win or not. And just like any good school concerned about athlete health they make sure to use a Trojan condom every time.
MICHIGAN STATE
Location: East Lansig, Michigan Founded: 1855
Thoughts about Rutgers
“Rutgers, yeah I love that school. Tons of fucking hot ass Asians there, heard they even have a campus full of them. Next time I get there, I’ll be sure to spend my entire weekend there and satisfy my yellow fever.”
Students:50,585 Mascot: Sparty the Roided Out Frat Boy Motto: "Carpe Diem, With Consent" Notable people: Mussa Kussa, Lee Wan-Koo, Nancy Dick Fight song: "Generic Fight Song" Magic Johnson jokes: illegal on campus
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UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA-LINCOLN The University of Nebraska was founded in 1869 as the first and only farming university in the United States. The university was created to provide state residents with the means to acquire knowledge through agriculture. The University of Nebraska remains the premier institution for corn growing, cow herding, and tractor raising. When visiting the campus, it is hard to tell if you have entered a college campus or a corn maze. The original buildings on campus were built of Lincoln Logs, which are surprisingly not very sturdy; most were smashed to
NEBRASKA
pieces after construction. Students, nicknamed the “Cornhuskers”, truly speak to what the University of Nebraska is all about. The most popular sports team on campus is the Division I corn-husking team. Students and fans have not lived until they’ve attended a corn-husking meet at the world famous CORN DOME! The university mascot, Herbie the Cornhusker, proudly represents the team whenever they play at the CORN DOME! If you’re into competitive cornhusking and cows, come to University of Nebraska, it’s okay here!
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska Founded: 1869 Students: 24,593 who manage to find something fun to do in Nebraska
Thoughts about Rutgers
Mascot: Cornhuskers Motto: "Dedicated to letters and learning how to make sentences with them"
“Rutgers is from the Garden State, but there ain’t no garden as good as ours. We got all kinds of corn here, and you certainly can’t have a garden without any corn.”
Notable people: Johnny Carson, Donkey Kong Suh, Joba Chamberlain Fight song: "We Are Farmers."
UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN-MADISON Andrew Jackson once went to Wisconsin. Upon seeing the golden hills and valleys filled with cheese, he decided to make his signature “Big Block of Cheese Day.” At the White House, Jackson put out a two ton block of Wisconsin Cheese as a gift to his constituents and to hear their ideas. Jackson did this in the spirit of good Ol’ Wisconsin people. The University started as a cheese making factory in 1846. Wisconsinites would come from all over the state to
learn about making cheese. The program was eventually expanded and more classes about making cheese were added until a great woman, Brie Jarlsberger decided to make the factory a school. At the center of campus is Jarlsberger’s original school house and the factory that still produces cheese today. Every student works in the factory to enhance their education, and in the spirit of Andrew Jackson, fuck shit up.
WISCONSIN
Location:Madison Square Garden, Wisconsin Founded: 1848
Thoughts about Rutgers
“Oh I remember them. We gave them a real nice ass-fucking back in the fall, no lube at all, even a home game too. I bet their still sore about that one.”
Students: 43, 275 thankful they aren't in Canada Mascot: Honey Badger Motto: "We Areium So Coldius Burrr" Notable people: Jim Lovell (thanks for fucking Apollo 13) Fight song: Sound of teeth chattering DISCLAIMER: Wisconsin is responsible for Dick Cheney.
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RUTGERS: THE STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW JERSEY
RUTGERS
Founded in 1766 as Queen’s College, Rutgers University has a proud tradition of embarrassing itself. The school did however win the first ever collegiate football game by defeating Princeton. Then again, Rutgers fumbled life by declining several invitations to join the Ivy League early in its existence. In later years, Mabel Smith Douglass founded the New Jersey College for Women in 1918, which was later named Douglass College. Mabel was later found dead, having drowned herself in Lake Placid after realizing what she had done. Eventually, Rutgers decided
to grow even more by incorporating Camden, the most dangerous city in America, into its university system. Today Rutgers is known for favoring abusive sports figures like Mike Rice and Ray Rice (no relation) to highlight athletic programs. The university also faces a $39 million deficit from its athletic program, after it somehow snuck its way into the B1G. Nowadays Rutgers is trying to build the image of a “good” school, but it is constantly mired in controversy and swamped in construction. President Barchi still has yet to comment on the deficit situation.
Location: Newark/Camden, NJ Founded: 1766 Students: 41,565 Chinese exchange students Mascot: Spray-Tanned Knights Motto: "Sun of righteousness, shine upon Barchi's head" Notable people: Joanna Angel, Asia Carrera Fight song: "On the Banks of a Polluted River"
ERMANN
Thoughts about Rutgers
“No one fucking cares about the B1G Ten, why are you idiots even asking me this?”
Athletic department deficit: $39 million and counting
UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND- COLLEGE PARK The most important thing you need to know about the University of Maryland is that they are an endangered species of diamondback terrapin (Malaclemys terrapin). Plainly speaking, we are talking about turtles. Despite administration’s efforts to diversify the student body, the majority of students at UM are still turtles who remain extremely xenophobic towards humans. Given that most of them are naturally slow and quiet, the National Agency for Standardization of Higher Education lowered the standards for scores at Maryland University last year, so that’s how they are a
Public Ivy. It’s offensive to compare Maryland turtles to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “We didn’t all grow up in the sewers of NYC, we hate rats, and fuck you for thinking about it!” The student body is much more proud of their founder, Franklin the Turtle. After serving as a U.S. Congressman for the state of Maryland, he founded UMD in 1856 and established a longterm partnership with the snail community. Rumor has it that Franklin also popularized the turtleneck.
MARYLAND
Location: hopefully not Baltimore Founded: 1856
Thoughts about Rutgers
“So here’s my thing, why aren’t they making us their rivals? We’re both the new kids in this conference, and I mean we had a really close game and all, so yeah why won’t they just hate us? Seriously, can someone just be our fucking rivals already so sports around here get exciting?”
Students: 37,631 and 1/8 Mascot: Testicle the Terrapin Motto: "Under Armour Owns Us" Notable people: Probably some asshole politicians Fight song: "I Like Turtles (Remix)" Uniforms: Vineyard Vines button down, salmon shorts, Sperry's