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December 2nd 2015
Volume XLX Issue XI 50¢ YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I'M BULLETPROOF
LEGRAND STOPS BELIEVING! BY PAULIE VALENTINE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
PISCATAWAY—In light of the recent dismissals of Athletic Director Julie Hermann and Head Football Coach Kyle Flood, as well as the fact that he’ll “never fucking walk again,” Knights football alumnus #52 Eric LeGrand has stopped believing. “I thought I’d be able to keep up hope through the expulsion of one of them, but both the shitty coach and the ineffective athletic director? Dammit man, I quit!” LeGrand moaned to reporters outside his home in Highland Park on Tuesday. “I’ve also been really depressed lately.” LeGrand, confined to a wheelchair since a tackle against Army fractured his C3 and C4 cervical vertebrae four years ago, had always been optimistic about the state of Rutgers football until now. He had been using his “issue” to corral fans
athletics. It also comes on the heels of reports that Flood’s keeps an often “too relaxed” atmosphere in the lockeroom, often walking around in his jockstrap and discussing banal subjects with players. This isn’t the first firing of both coach and athletic director. In 2013, when men’s basketball coach Mike Rice was dismissed for abusing students and calling them out for being the pussies they are, the university fired then-Athletic Director Tim Pernetti “for fun” alleges "DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'!" a source close to the Barchi LeGrand at a concert for his favorite band, Journey. Though the photographed administration. while still believing, his expression betrays that belief levels are visibly waning. Citing his highly publicized to “see through the bullshit” fuckers can’t sustain a lead symbolic contract with the and “make it about the team.” against Maryland, FUCKING Tampa Bay Buccaneers, his title He feels as though the team has MARYLAND!? I can’t believe I of “Most Influential Person of the come to a breaking point that didn’t give up sooner!” Year” by the Star-Ledger in 2012, national sympathy for his injury This fallout comes from and his Jimmy V Award form just can’t fix. reports of Hermann’s inability the ESPYs, LeGrand reiterated “I can’t move my legs, and to move her face enough to that his sacrifice should have I give you this team national articulate the words to improve made this team great. name recognition. And you Rutgers standing in Big Ten Continued on Page 2
SALES TO DIE FOR
Refugees Reconsider Migrating to USA after Witnessing Black Friday Violence BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS FATHER OF FIVE PUPS
NEW YORK CITY—The thousands of displaced Syrian refugees are reconsidering their intentions of seeking shelter in the United States after witnessing the violent and selfish display of consumerism that is Black Friday shopping. Many weary refugees familiar with the atrocities of war were reportedly horrified at the sight of Americans assaulting each other for on-sale goods, going as far as pushing young children over to obtain the discounted merchandise over two years old. Several boats full of refugees were found sailing away from our shores this weekend, with many of them citing a complete loss of faith in humanity.
Layal Assaf, a refugee from Damascus and mother of two children, told the press, “The street that I lived on was completely ravaged by
explosives and warring militias. But these complete lunatics from Ohio burned down a Best Buy because there weren’t enough Continued on Page 2
SCISSOR ME!!!! Since 1970
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NEWS
Wednesday, December 2nd 2015
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“It's satire until you make it about jerking off.”
THE ILLEST ILLNESS
FIVE FOR "SEX-CELLENT"
Rad New Virus Causing U. Gauges Student Opinion of International Pandemic Professors' Attractiveness BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS PINK HOUSE CORRESPONDENT
ATLANTA—With scientists at the Centers for Disease Control already calling it “the raddest virus to ravage third world nations in decades,” the D0P3 virus has quickly garnered the public attention. Many health professionals and researchers are calling it the most awesomely cool pathogen in recorded history. This new virus has already impacted many countries worldwide, with less developed areas reporting death tolls in the millions. Hospitals and medical fieldworkers are struggling to keep the pathogen contained, though many of them succumb to it themselves. Researchers have found that the mode of transmission appears to be airborne, which according to the epidemiologists at Harvard Medical School, “is the sickest airborne virus since tuberculosis because these little fuckers have some sort of propeller so it’s like they can fly
LEGRAND
...continued from front
“You all know I’ve made a point to be public with my 'bELieve' shirt every time our team played like shit to distract the fans. I can’t fucking take it anymore. Feel it! Fucking feel how bad we suck!” concluded LeGrand at the press conference.
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
and that, sir, is some next-level shit.” Most alarming is how truly widespread the D0P3 virus is, with cases popping up all over North America and Europe. One hospital in Colorado has reported thirteen cases of this virus, with many doctors unable to do anything to treat it, leaving them to simple comment on how unique and “balls to the wall” the symptoms of the disease are. Doctor Scott Brothlatski told the press that the virus invades the host’s lungs by passing through the air sacs which line them. After just a matter of days, cells of these air sacks will swell and burst, leading to complete respiratory collapse, which Doctor Brothlatski notes, “is the most fucking metal way to die that I’ve ever seen. Shit, this is cooler than a rabies outbreak.” While a vaccine or treatment is currently being developed, scientists remain hopeful that maybe this disease will evolve into some or of sick-ass zombie shit in the next few years.
PISCATAWAY—Beginning this Thanksgiving, the University reached out to students to find out how thankful they feel regarding their classes this semester. And they're being just as annoying as your family constantly asking about "how's school?" The Student Instructional Rating Survey (SIRS), sent out every semester to collect feedback on educators and class offerings, asks this semester for students to assess their professors' hotness on the conventional 1 to 10 scale. This recently added question was included under the suggestion of the Department of Psychology. They reason that understanding how students perceive their instructors can affect their impression of the class overall and their ability to learn.Dr. Anita Schitz claims that teachers with spiciness indicated on "Rate My Professor" often have more satisfied students.
"With more comprehensive information, such as individual student's grades and SIRS evaluations, more definite conclusions can be made regarding the interdependence of performance and satisfaction with teacher hotness. "We encourage students to respond to the SIRS surveys at their earliest convenience. Not only does this help us weed out the shitty (looking) professors, but it lets us know where we need to hire hot ones. Yes, your complaints have been heard and we understand the problem with wrinkly, decrepit, bearded geezers. Ultimately, the purpose of this survey question is to lead us to a student body that's more satisfied with the professor body. "It should also be mentioned that comment sections are included, so you can indicate if your teacher is a total butterface who should always face the blackboard so you can better focus on their sweet, fine ass— erm…assignments."
supplies, we divided the food ...continued from front and water fairly among us, as to make sure the women and Playstation 4’s to go around. It’s children stay healthy,” said a fucking game console, people. Nazir Shammas. “So, you don’t need three steamers just because They’re making more. Shit.” Accounts similar to Assaf’s they’re on sale! I mean really, could be told by many refugees what the hell are you cooking who witnessed the annual that needs three separate nationwide discount bloodbath. steamers? What’s wrong with “When the Red Cross gave us you people?”
Many states, including New Jersey, have made efforts to close their borders to the recent influx of Syrian refugees, claiming security concerns. Refugees, however, are completely undeterred by this and many continue to express hope that they will find a sane country if they just keep going west. Go west, young lad!
BY SAWYER ZOO'S EDITOR
CLEANUP: AISLES 1 THRU 21
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the sinus infection I got over Thanksgiving Break. You think that would stop me from drunkenly hitting on my high school ex? Think again, bitch! (She's still really fucking tight by the way)
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015
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F/ARTS
“ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME: AIDS
ST@RBUCK$$$$$$
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TAKE YO BROKE A$$ HOME
Secret Holiday Starbucks Drinks
Jobs For Kyle Flood
BY GRIND ALL
BY GRIND ALL
So we all know that Starbucks is a sneaky bitch and has a million flavors they don’t feel like telling us about, especially during the holiday season. Sure, they advertise things like peppermint mocha and caramel brulee but we at The Medium did some digging and were able to find more. Hitler Latte: Alright so everyone is freaking out that Starbucks hates Christmas and the Christians but honestly they hate everyone, they’re just not as public about everyone else. I mean a Hitler Latte? That’s pretty bad but Starbucks is a company that believes in EQUAL discrimination, which cancels out all the badness! So everyone needs to stop freaking out about this shit. Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of Peppermint, 3 shots of the blood of the Jewish Disappointment to Your Parents Cappuccino: Going home for the holidays sucks mostly because—let’s be honest—you are a disappointment to your parents. I mean they put all this money into your college and you are flunking all of your classes and spending your time getting drunk and sleeping with some idiot named Chad. So before you go home please do yourself a favor and pick up this drink. It tastes just like the disappointment your parents are bound to taste the second they look at you. Ingredients: Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of vanilla, 2 shots of caramel, 1 shot of failure (the barista will ask you for this but don’t worry if you’re ordering this you have it) Drunk Grandma Macchiato: Every family has one. You’re enjoying whatever holiday you celebrate and your grandma all of the sudden has had one too many and is being drunk and racist and sexist and everything terrible you can be. How did she even get this drunk? Is it because she’s like a million years old and has no tolerance or is she just so old that no one even pays attention to her drinking habits? Either way she’s slammed and you’re feeling left out. Also it’s fucking hell dealing with her when you’re sober so please pick up this drink if you know you’re going to have to deal with something like this. Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 1 shot of vanilla, 5 shots of Jameson (They have it trust me. They’ll say “we don’t serve alcohol” but just say “DRUNK RACIST GRANDMA” and they’ll get you that Jameson for sure.) That Black People Holiday Coffee: Black people have a holiday at this time right? Is it real? I don’t know and apparently Starbucks doesn’t either. Or they actually have a name for this but everyone just calls it this. I’m not sure. So if you’re black you should get this or if you’re celebrating the holidays with your black friend pick this up so you can seem “multicultural” and “inclusive” instead of “ignorant” and “stereotyping-just-because-we’reblack-doesn’t-mean-we-celebrate-the-black-people-holiday”. Ingredients: Black coffee with a festive shot of “equal” rights
DICK OF THE PAGE: CANDY CANE DICK AKA FESTIVE AS FUCK
So everyone by now knows that Kyle Flood FINALLY got fired as head coach of the Rutgers football team. Now, we all may be celebrating but what about this dude who just lost his job? Let’s take a second to think about him and what his future is going to look like. We at The Medium have complied a list of jobs we think will be suitable for Flood after his time at Rutgers. 1. The guy in the Chucky Cheese costume at Chucky Cheese’s: Okay let’s be honest he was probably wicked jealous of the mascot because they got more cheers than him, so this is really for him. Finally Flood will be able to live out his dream of having children adoringly cheer his name in admiration! Sure he’ll be in a weird, pervy mouse costume that smells like puke but think of the free pizza! 2. The guy at the DMV: He is slow as shit at making decisions and leaves everyone frustrated as fuck so this is honestly the perfect job for him. Seriously he is a perfect fit to be that guy behind the counter that takes a million years to just update you license with a new picture. He’d be so good at this job, he would not only piss off you but the people behind you as well, which he was already doing well with at Rutgers. 3. Gigalo: So he was making like a million bucks when he was coaching for Rutgers and now he is making jack shit. I’m pretty sure he has a family and now they will not be able to eat because he doesn’t have a job. But I mean he’s still got his looks right? I mean personally I don’t think so but someone out there must think so. It’s really in his best interest to become a gigalo to keep up the expensive life he is sure to be living and be accostumed to. 4. Coach of the Quiddich team: They really need some help guys I saw them practicing on Bishop beach the other day and it was horrendous. I know Flood is literally one of the worst coaches to have ever existed but that was with a REAL sport not a fake magic one. So maybe made up sports that are based off of fictional novels and involve mostly unathletic nerds will be right up his alley? Who knows? Maybe he’ll become the best quiddich coach ever that no one knows about because no one cares about quiddich. 5. Coach of Penn State team: If he really wants to stick it Barchi and the student body he should just go coach Penn State and beat our asses to the ground next year. This isn’t a likely outcome since he’s a terrible coach but holy shit his revenge would be so fucking sweet and he would be able to give a HUGE middle finger to everyone here. Also the irony would be hilarious.
INSANE MYSTERY INC.
Jump into a Big Pile of L
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Michael Lazaropoulos - News Editor Kalamiaris Palm Tree “Babe, why don’t come you come under the shade of my palm tree so I can show you what a real Greek boy can do.’
Yagnesh Patel - Managing Editor Cherry Blossom “I’m a Cherry Blossom because I’m pretty AF.”
Andrew Blustein - Page A7 Editor Ficus tree “I love foliage. I love house plants.”
Matthew Fastiggi - Sports Editor, Business Manager Cedar Tree “Did you know Cedar helps keep moths away?”
Sifat Mahbub - Personals Editor/Copy Editor Pine Tree “Decorate me like a Christmas tree!!”
Jonathan Holzsager - News Editor Etz Chayim “Being a Jew at the Medium is tough, there’s just too many of us, but I’ve gone to Hillel a few times, and I think they mentioned some shit about the Tree of Life or something like that. I’d be that, if people would just start having sex with me.”
Leaves with The Medium!
m
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Mike VDM - Editor-In-Chief Bradford Pear Tree The mighty Bradford Pear tree. Squirrels, come store your nuts in this one. The tree known for smelling like dead babies “I guess you must have smelled my pungent odor by now. So, I smell like cum, don’t hold it against me.”
Wednesday December 2nd 2015
Aly Grindall - Features Editor Poison Ivy “If you rub up against me, expect not a rash. Your hair will definitely take on rosy tones though. Again, not a pubic thing!” Lee Matalon - Opinions Editor Joshua Tree. “I’m proud to be one of the many Jews at The Medium, and Joshua is mostly a Jewish name. Also I’ve always wanted to have sex underneath the Joshua Tree.” Jake Goldstein - Arts Editor Maple tree “I’m from Maplewood, not Canada you assholes. And who doesn’t love maple syrup.”
Adam Romatowski - Webmaster Moss “Like a rolling stone, I gather no moss. But there is some on my asshole. Also yes I dye my hair. Fuck you.” James Mullen - Secretary Southern Live Oak “The southern live oak is the state tree for my home state, Georgia. Florida’s state tree is petrified dogshit. The South will rise again...except for Florida!”
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, December 2nd 2015
“When I was in the third gay, I thought that I was grade.”
CHOPPING MORNING WOOD
Stop Calling My House BY GREG SCHIANO
Look people, I get it. Flood is out. So is Hermann. Please stop calling me at home. I will not come back and be your football coach. It won’t happen. I don’t even know how some of you got my number. Was it on Twitter or something? Because the other night I was lubing up my wife for a little backdoor play, and out of nowhere my phone started ringing. So I plugged my wife with the ol’ vibe to keep her loose, and went to answer it. I honestly thought it was Bob Barchi offering me my old job -- not that I’d want it. Anyway, while I was pumping away -- you know, takin’ the ol’ rocket ride to Brown Town -- my phone started buzzing again. My wife thought it was the cock ring sitting on the night stand, but sure enough I answered my phone, and another fuckin’ kid begged me to come back to Rutgers. This happened four more times alone that night. It’s not fucking happening, guys. I’m not coming back. Even if I still cared about your football program, I am livid that you’d interrupt me and ruin my wife’s birthday like that. We even had the anal beads soaking in warm water for like an hour, and by the time I was ready to penetrate her vaginally they were cold already. It’s a fundamental fucking problem with the Rutgers football program. When Jerry [Sandusky] had important lovemaking to do, Penn State gave him all the time off he needed! Hell, even Tampa Bay made time to get assfucked by the Colts this week! Look, I’ll tell you what: I’m going to tweet [former University of Miami head coach] Al Golden’s number. Give him a ring, I heard he’s looking for work.
A HELL OF A DRUG
What’s So Great About Coke Anyway?
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ADVICE COLUMN
ASK AN ENGINEER
Dear Engineer, Last week, I was working in the lab, trying to model a small signal response across an NMOS transistor amplifier. The experiment wasn’t working, and neither was my laptop. I had borrowed my girlfriend’s laptop, so when I opened it to look up the lab manual, I saw a Facebook conversation with her sister. I guess she thinks there’s not enough intimacy in the relationship, and I feel really bad. Anyway, our anniversary is in 10 days, and I really want to make it up to her. But I’m really at a loss for how to breathe new, romantic life into our relationship. For her sake and for mine, because I really love her and would hate to lose her. Please help me, Engineer! Signed, Hopeless Romantic Dear Hopeless Romantic, It sounds like a number of things could be going on, but thankfully all of them are easy fixes. First of all, you need to make sure your Function Generator is set to high impedance (Hi-Z) mode. Remember, we are dealing with signals on the order of millivolts and milliamps! Make sure your DC biasing voltage is a reasonable value: 15 V would suffice. Now, there are many different configurations, but one of the simplest is a Common Source amplifier. This is analogous to a Common Emitter amplifier with Bipolar Junction Transistors, but if you’ve never worked with BJTs worry not; MOSFETs can be understood and used on their own. The theory behind a biased small signal amplifier is the separation of the steady-state DC large signals and the time-variant AC small signals. Make sure your capacitors are properly polarized in order to filter out the DC bias from the amplification circuit itself - you just the DC sources to keep the MOSFET in saturation region! Assuming a source impedance of 50 Ω is a safe bet. The resistor values should be specified in your lab manual. Make sure your source terminal is grounded through a resistor, not connected to negative DC! With simple amplifier circuits, often trial and error is the best method to correct problems. Signed, Engineer SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS FOR AN ENGINEER’S ANSWER! Send emails to: themedium.opinions@gmail.com
BY PAULIE ESCOBAR I’ve tried it so many times. But I just can not for the life of me figure it out. What’s so great about Coke? The feeling you get when you first do it is great and all, but seriously, is it worth the risks? That moment when you first take it, and you just get this rush, you feel like the king of the world, like you could write that Expos paper, and a few thousand more, but the come down? The crash? It’s awful! I tried that lifestyle, constantly chasing that feeling, ingesting more and more Coke, staying up all night, just to never feel that crash, but it never worked. I became addicted. Life never tasted so good, but I am proud to say that since coming to Rutgers, I’ve gone cold turkey. Coke is bad, it ruins lives. I’m so glad we go to a Pepsi school.
MEETINGS @ RSC 439, WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM pls show up thanks
UNIVERSITY VOICE
Do You Care About Minorities and the Poor? “God no.”
Donald Trump Presidential Candidate
PERSONALS
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2015
“James Deen has dead eyes”
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Class Adventures
Dating
I’m willing to forgive my professor for failing me, but only because he looks like John Lennon. (One day you should go to class dressed as Mark David Chapman, just to fuck with him.) I kind of want to tell all the freshmen in my class that it’s all downhill from here. (No, no, let them figure it out for themselves and enjoy their lives while they still have their souls.)
Dear personals editor, can I use your page as a medium to ask out the guy I like? (You could try but no one reads this page so good luck.)
I love when old people audit classes. They’re so cute. And old. (Who would’ve thought old people are old.)
When is an acceptable time to go crying to my professor about my shortcomings? (I usually say the first day of class because then your professor will know ahead of time that you’re a fuck-up.)
New Head Coach continued from Sports
frat bros that absolutely crush puss. They have that killer confidence that we lacked against competitive Big Ten teams and I think that’s crucial for a winning locker room environment. “Take a walk on college ave during a warm afternoon. Half those dudes throwing footballs have bigger arms than Chris Laviano. Let’s see what they can do out there!” Near the end of the eccentric press conference, Barchi dismissed what he deemed “erroneous” questions about his lack of football experience. “You ever played Madden, idiot? Coaching football is not fucking rocket science. Jesus Christ,” a flustered Barchi yelled. While the sudden decision by Barchi leaves plenty of uncertainty swirling around the Rutgers football program, the swift execution of his plans is respectable and much-needed for a fanbase looking for just about any ounce of reason to be excited in the next few years.
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I wanna ask out the guy I like but I also wanna wait for him to ask me out first but I’m so awkward and he’s so awkward what do I do. (Good thing is that if he’s awkward then he won’t realize that you’re awkward because he’ll be too focused on how awkward he is. So go for it girl. Or guy. Whatever you are.) (When did this become some “Dear Abby” bullshit?) My boyfriend made me watch “Fifty Shades of Grey” with him. Is he trying to send some kind of message? (Yeah, he’s sending the message that he’s got shitty taste in movies and that you should break up with him.) My best friend’s boyfriend is a bitch what do I do. (Punch him in the face. I’m not kidding punch him in the face and then tell me all about it because my best friend’s boyfriend is also a bitch and I want to live vicariously through you.
My first semester is almost over and I didn’t get laid. Am I too late to lose my virginity? (Yes, it is. Oh well.)
Great Example continued from Sports
...scandals as she was interviewed. “It just doesn’t make sense to me why recruits don’t think this is the best school for them,” she confessed as she wished death upon former head coach Kyle Flood, the man primarily responsible for recruiting players for Rutgers. “We have the best fans in the nation and clearly don’t lack in stability. What more could a recruit ask for?”
Callin’ You Out
Seriously though. 15% of our final grade. You’ve done nothing this entire fucking time, and now all we ask is for you to show up for 15 minutes for class, and just fucking read 8 slides. In return, we’ll give you a good grade in the class. You couldn’t do that. Couldn’t do jack shit. Fuck you man, fuck you.
(Group projects are the devil because of assholes like your partner.)
My roommate was kind enough to leave dinner for me, in the form of her crumbs on the floor.
(Next time make a statement to your generous roomate by gathering up all her crumbs and leaving them on her bed.)
Don’t Hate Me
Will everyone shut the hell up about fucking Star Wars already? The movie is not even out yet and I am already fucking tired of it. GEORGE LUCAS DIDN’T EVEN DIRECT IT. CALM DOWN STAR WARS NERDS.
Conspiracy
Shame
There is a new girl at work today, and she is already doing so much better water cooler talk than I did on my first day. Crap.
I asked my mom if she likes me piercings and she just looked at me and then turned her head away in shame.
(Hey Adam, you’re probably not going to read this but personals is STILL HERE. So yeah, fuck you. (Get her fired. That’s what And fuck Lorde, too. Just kidding, I take back you do when someone is better than you.) that last part.)
(Get a tattoo and then your mom will forget about the piercings because she’ll have something else to be ashamed of.)
Here’s a fucking activity for you to do.
december 2nd, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com BEATING THE #1 SOCCER TEAM DOESN'T GET PRESS, BUT THIS DOES
BARCHI SAYS ‘FUCK IT,’ TAKES OVER RUTGERS HEAD COACHING POSITION
“Oh, I definitely have the time to do this,” Barchi assured members of the media. “Let PISCATAWAY, NJ— On me take you through a day Sunday, it became clear to as Rutgers president. I have the Rutgers community that a bed in my office. I wake university president Robert up and look out the window Barchi has an agenda with to see if there’s snow on the regards to the athletics ground. If there isn’t, I don’t department. In fact, the quick close the campus. If there is, appointment of Patrick Hobbs I still don’t close the campus, as the new athletic director because that shit takes time points to signs that Barchi has and effort to close. Either way been formulating these plans I get to sleep so what the hell for some time. do I care? Not wanting to lose his “So yeah, I have plenty of momentum after a lengthy time. Let’s fucking go baby!” search for a new head coach, Coach Barchi went on to Barchi has decided to appoint "STAGE 5 CLINGERS" add details about the type Former head coach Kyle Flood and former athletic director Julie himself as the new head of Rutgers football. His tenure Hermann can only look on from the sidelines as Robert "Bad Boy Bob" Bar- of team we can expect next year, promising to instill his begins immediately and will chi launches his master plan and leaves them in the dust not limit him in his duties as by the foot balls,” President head football coach. Robert players with the swagger from his self-proclaimed “big-dick Rutgers president. Barchi quipped at a press ‘Bad Boy Bob’ Barchi at your personality.” “They say about life that conference. service, motherfuckers!” you need to seize it by the “That’s why today I’m The announcement drew “I’ll probably recruit some balls, and I’ll be damned if I announcing that you’re surprised looks and concerns don’t seize this opportunity looking at Rutgers’ new from the press. Continued on Personals BY SCHREG GIANO THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
KEYS TO THE LOSS: 76ers vs. ANY OTHER TEAM
Desperate for Top Recruits, RU Fans Set Excellent Example during the Rutgers-Maryland game. “Rutgers is a premier destination for top talent, and PISCATAWAY, NJ— A visit we can and should retain the to any of the vast number of best players in New Jersey. I fan forums regarding Rutgers mean, if you’re a top high school athletics and especially the talent, why wouldn’t you want football team makes one thing to play here?” abundantly clear: Rutgers Grinbaldi then paused to fans have witnessed subpar cheer when quarterback Chris performances for too long and Laviano was injured and led are starved for the consistent the charge to boo him upon his excellence that schools with return to the game. similar resources have enjoyed Another disillusioned fan, for years (See State, Penn.) Georgia Jones, was leafing The most vocal fans have through a star ledger article been calling for Flood’s head highlighting the latest Rutgers for quite some time, even before Continued on Personals this tumultuous season, citing glaring failures on the recruiting front as the primary justification for firing Flood. These fans never waver in supporting Rutgers, including during tough times such as now, which, according to 50 year alumni Tom Grinbaldi, tends to involve "NJ'S FINEST" a need for “tough love.” Rutgers fans have a history of “Oh yeah, we deserve better being welcoming and friendly, which than this,” proclaimed Grinbaldi is definitely attractive to recruits BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
-Trade any player that might disobey orders and try to score any points -Keep stocking draft picks until you own every pick in the 2050 draft -Ask your season ticket holders why on earth they bother paying to come to these games. Seriously. I'm curious. They could be doing just about ANYTHING else -Win maybe 1 or 2 games so people don't see through your feeble attempts to disguise tanking
-The Sixers are like the Little League team in South Park that is better than your team at losing. Are you going to stand for that, or are you going to challenge the world's best losers? -Sign players with good losing experience, such as former Rutgers mens basketball players -Make a blockbuster trade for Kobe so you lose all your assets and acquire a player shooting a high volume of ill-advised shots. That's one of the best
CLEAN HOUSE SINCE SUNDAY