SPORTS Rutgers desperately clings to wrestling victory as a source of relevancy like bouy in middle of churning ocean
TECHNOLOGY Apple buys your neighborhood, integrates your childhood home into the cloud
PUBLIC HEALTH Everyone has Meningitis B
WEATHER
Serving the Rutgers community since 1970. Independent as long as the Targum has
Swamp ass season is on its way!
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.COM
Three Resident Assistants Implicated in Dorm Scandal ZOE SIFNAKIS AND JORDAN PLAUT SENIOR EDITORIAL STAFF
A shocking scandal that unfolded over spring break has implicated three resident assistants, who have been subsequently fired from their positions. The incident, according to an email sent by Executive Director of Residence Life Dan Morrison, involved the housing of New Brunswick residents in closed resident halls over break. The breach of student privacy came to light after several complaints were submitted to residence life on the morning of Monday, March 25th, regarding the state of on-campus housing. Three students in Campbell Hall on College Avenue reported small items missing from their dorm rooms, while two students on Cook campus, in Voorhees and Perry halls, lost a pair of sneakers and two Starbucks gift cards, respectively. “I checked everywhere and nothing SEE DORMS ON PAGE 4
else was missing, but it definitely looked like someone had gone through my stuff,” Marnie Joleff, SEBS ‘20, told The Medium. Ms. Joleff, who lost a Starbucks gift card, also reported finding a large pot of stew, apparently abandoned in a hurry, sitting on her floor’s common stove. With resident-led investigations going nowhere, university police officers called a press conference Friday to address student concerns. University police chief Kenneth B. Cop assured an agitated audience that there was not, in fact, a plague of petty theft running rampant through Rutgers, and that he could explain everything if they promised not to get mad. “As you all know, the university has been taking steps to better integrate itself into the surrounding New Brunswick community, and it would be insensitive and probably racist to tell me that that’s a bad idea, so don’t,” Cop began, sweatily. “We have resources here at Rutgers that we’d like to share with our lesser-educated neighbors,” he continued, profuse at this point. “To that end, we ran a doubleblind trial of a new housing experiment
Perry Hall, one of several dorms affected by a series of small robberies over spring break.
over break this semester.” Mr. Cop went on to explain that fifty homeless New Brunswickers had been bussed in to stay in dorm buildings while the students were locked out of their rooms for the week. When pressed, the chief admitted the security of student belongings during the trial had not been taken into account. Locals were invited in by the RA’s after the halls closed to students on Saturday, March 16th, and stayed throughout the week while students were away. The RA’s in question, who were reimbursed with RUexpress for their participation in the study, have asked to remain anonymous.
Many students that live in residence halls have voiced their anger towards these RA’s, calling the action a “misuse of power” and a “breach of student trust.” “How am I supposed to feel secure in my dorm when it could have been my RA letting strangers sleep in my bed?” said Julia Strong, a sophomore living in Tinsley Hall. “I have private things in my room! Very private! Things that if found would get me in a lot of trouble with powerful people! I need to make some calls.” “I’d like to stress the point that, although we did not obtain consent from students for their rooms to be used in the experiment, the tempo-
RU Dining Services Shares Details About New Outbreak at Brower MARISSA SCHWARTZ NEWS EDITOR
Since reports of Meningitis B were brought to students’ attention in February, University administrators have been on high alert, taking extra precautions to prevent the spread of contagious illnesses on campus. Student Health Services has been distributing information about vaccinations and other preventive measures throughout campus, both in classroom and public buildings and residence halls and it seems that these measures have been working to quell the transmission of Meningitis B. Unfortunately, as Meningitis diagnoses cease, a new culprit has sprung up on campus. The
manager of Brower Commons Ralph Calzoni, who has been at the University throughout 35 years of epidemics, says he’s never seen anything like this. “It’s dreadful” he said, “I thought this condition was eradicated years ago. I mean, in my time here I’ve seen whooping cough, chicken pox, and even rabies once, but never, never anything like this.” In an email to the University community, President Barchi highlighted the severity of the recent epidemic stating, “Students and staff should take extreme caution, especially when eating at dining halls, in order to avoid contracting this condition. Be sure to wash hands before eating and use serving tools and clean plates when getting food.”
Students are equally shocked about the new outbreak. Jordan Stanley, a second year biology student and frequenter of Brower said this, “You know, you never expect something like this to happen and then boom, you’re this close to being infected. It’s really a shame that parents are still exposing their kids to things
SEE OUTBREAK ON PAGE 4
Rutgers Researchers Have Officially Stopped Global Warming SCOTT HOBERMAN
FEATURES EDITOR Yes, it’s over. Feel free to use two straws We developed the process in a matter of in each drink, drive around just for fun, months and it’s fairly simple.” said PhD and throw those water bottles in the student Ronald McDonald. “We built a regular trash guilt-free. Rutgers scientists machine that can take carbon dioxide out have figured out the solution to global of the air and shove it up people’s asses. warming. “It actually wasn’t that difficult. All we need to do is mass produce these relatively inexpensive machines and get
SEE RESEARCHERS ON PAGE 4
VOLUME 51, ISSUE 9 • UNIVERSITY ... 3 • NATIONAL ... 6 • INSIDE BEET ... 7 • OPINIONS ... 8 • DIVERSIONS ... 10 • CLASSIFIEDS ... 12 • SPORTS ... BACK
April 1, 2019
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Weather Outlook Source: Me, looking out my window TODAY TONIGHT
High, me when I smoke after class Low, me when my high fades
Mon
Wind
Tues
Windier
Wed
Windiest
ABOUT THE MEDIUM The Medium is the premier source of entertainment at Rutgers University. We are the only weekly satirical publication run entirely by the criminally insane. But the productive kind? We’re not going to keep you in a well and hose you, but we’re worse than Martha Stewart. We work soley for comission, and by comission we mean some guy in a trench coat comes every Thursday night and hands us an empty manilla envelope labeled “Id-iots”. Just like that. Hyphenated. When we were 13 we were cursed by a radioactive swamp hag, and now we have to run The Medium until we die. Some of us were born here, all of us will die here. This is our fate. We are currently recruiting ghouls and goblins for our production team. If you are looking for a place to be and exist for all eternity, come to room 109 of the Livingston Student Center Wednesday nights at 7:45. We start every meeting by welcoming new memberswith a performance of the scene from Pirates of the Carribean where Elizabeth finds out they’re all skeletons. Google it and limber up!
CAMPUS CALENDAR APRIL 5 Dance Marathon! Don’t miss out on taking sick instagram pics while you pretend to care about sick kids with all your bros and sisses(?). Raise thousands of likes and retweets, and I guess dollars, to justify the existence of fraternities and sororities. Seriously in 5 years they’ll be gone. Just like the kids.
plan accordingly. MAY 4 Fucking Star Wars Day. I don’t know. Of course you knew this one would be Star Wars Day. You absolute fucking nerd. We’re just pandering here. Yeah, you like that, huh? You like that reference. Here: Breaking Bad. The Walking Dead. Game. of. FUCKING. THRONES. Ok I like that one. Oh also Game of Thrones April 14. Mark that shit down.
APRIL 6-15 Don’t forget to pick up your free clean air respirator at any student center. Rutgers will be the first official test site of Johnson and Johnson’s first run of their new line of aerosol MAY 9 Wow, you’ve been watching star wars for 5 days? mood enhancers. Jesus. APRIL 22 A course on basic chainsaw safety taught by MAY 17 Free colonoscopy Stumpy Bumper, the famous day at Brower Commons. Let one handed tree carver. We a sweet Brower worker check won’t tell you where it is, just lis- your ass out for once. ten for it. You’ll find it. DECEMBER 25, 1967 It APRIL 27 Rutgers Day 2019! worked! It worked! Alas, Come find our booth and we’ll you’re too late to save JFK, give you a sticker (while sup- but just in time to kill your plies last. Ask your parent’s per- father and prevent yourself from being born. Also, the mission before going online.) CIA is behind JFK’s assasAPRIL 31 The world is ending. sination for sure. Read up, This date doesn’t exist. Please sheeple. Stay woke.
THE MEDIUM ROOM 117D LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER RUTGERS UNIVERSITY PHONE: 1-900-555-6969 FAX: Who the fuck still uses fax? E-MAIL: themedium.eic@gmail.com WEB: rutgersthemedium.wordpress.com
THE 69,420th EDITORIAL BOARD EDITOR-IN-CHIEF...................................JORDAN PLAUT MANAGING EDITOR.............................DAN CRETELLA BUSINESS MANAGER............................SHAINA JOSEPH NEWS EDITOR...............................MARISSA SCHWARTZ NEWS EDITOR.............................................ZOE SIFNAKIS FEATURES EDITOR.........................SCOTT HOBERMAN OPINIONS EDITOR...................................ZACHARY FOX ARTS EDITOR...................................RIMOND SIDDIQUE PAGE A7 EDITOR...................CHRISTOPHER MICHAEL PERSONALS EDITOR..............................MIKE CELLETTI SPORTS EDITOR........................ADVAIT SUVARNAKAR WEBMASTER............................MAX BROGGI-SUMNER COPY EDITOR....................................SAMUEL HAMMER COPY EDITOR.......................................VICKRAM SIGNH CORRECTIONS The Medium will never ever correct any error of fact or substance EVER. If you feel the need to voice any complaints please do so by yelling them into BOBBY BARCH’S bedroom window, or by calling 1-800-SUCCNFUCC.
April 1, 2019
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Local YouTuber Hospitalized After Drinking Expired Beer HEYWOOD JABLOMI
glass could be described as “cloudy” at best, and had bits of what was probably rust floating in it. Despite her friend behind the camera telling her that she probably shouldn’t, she downed the glass, made an expression of existential agony, and struggled to keep it down as she closed off the video. Ms. Bradley is now being cared for at the Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital, where she got her stomach pumped and received a tetanus shot. She declined our requests for comment, but asked us to tell her subscribers that she’s looking forward to her recovery so she can make more videos like that, which is one of the top 10 most viewed videos on her channel.
WRITES FOR US
A couple of you may recognize the name Joan Bradley, a YouTuber known for reviews of recent movies filmed behind the Rutgers Cinema around midnight. She’s a regular at the theatre, with many wondering whether or not she works there, and if she’s not seeing or reviewing a movie she’s commonly hanging around the plaza or student center with her fellow aspiring YouTubers. Because the Rutgers Cinema only has a limited amount of movies playing, Joan sometimes has to find other types of content to keep her audience satisfied. Since the start of the fall semester, she’s been running a series called “Joan Tastes” where she finds odd, exotic, or otherwise bizzare snack foods, records her eating them, and gives a judgment on whether she thinks other people should go eat them. Apparently, she was hard at work over spring break, because she dug up a 75-year old can of dis-
Joan Bradley, junior in the School of Arts and Sciences, makes the most of her hospital stay with vlogs from the bed, a new series she started on YouTube. continued beer from deep in her grandfather’s basement. The video of her drinking it is close to seven
minutes long, twice the length of her normal videos, most of its length due to her clear apprehen-
sion about drinking long-expired beer. The fluid she’d poured into the
RU Football Team Dissolves, Everyone’s Happy ICKY VICKY
CARRYING THE TEAM All of Rutgers is high off of merrymaking and mirth at the latest, breaking news. The Rutgers Football team has officially dissolved, effective Fall 2019! Did we mention they literally dissolved as well? Well they have, and nothing but pools of blood and guts remain. Over spring break, all people connected to Rutgers football, from the coaches to the waterboys, had gruesome date with lady death. All throughout the university and far-flung spring break destinations alike, people were melted down to the bare essentials of human life. Without the glue that held them together, all that remains are puddles of their Big Ten lifestyles. Some of the puddles were found in their homes, others were found in random places around Easton ave,
and at least four where in one room on the same bed- we’ll let you figure out the rest of that mystery. It is currently unknown how all these people literally dissolved. Most where quick to accuse Thanos, The Mad Titan. After all, he did the snappity snap snap thingy in that movie. That will be the last time The Medium goes to an insane asylum to get facts. The more sensible reporters have deduced that this was a hit job by a force that is extremely wealthy and with an agenda against the football team. One obvious conclusion is the Chemistry department, all of whom are great fans of Breaking Bad, which would explain the melting. If they didn’t join the Chemistry department to literally disintegrate people, what sane reason would they have for going through Orgo? Whoever the culprit, it does not take away from the fact that every-
one is quite happy with the news. It doesn’t make much sense though. We live in the United States, which is the birthplace of American Football. Rutgers is a football college that is a part of the NCAA, all parties and tailgates follow the Football schedule. Most of the money comes from football deals and what not. The only reason Rutgers stays relevant in the popular zeitgeist is because of its sports teams. Pretty illogical. It is almost as if we don’t know what we are talking about. But hey, everyone’s happy, it says so in the title!
April 1, 2019
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DORMS All the keys actually work on all the doors rarily-housed locals were also unaware that they were being placed in student dorms,” Ken murmured, a fresh rivulet of perspiration adorning his brow. “We’ve sent out a task force to locate the missing items, though the suspects’ lack of address has put a damper on our investigations.” At press time, Chief Cop was still glistening lavaciously, but no lost belongings had emerged from the shimmering ether of wards two and four. Meanwhile, the city seems to be taunting its distressed students, spitting out apparitions left and right. It’s hard to say if they’re made of flesh or something less tangible, something ephemeral and strange. One such shade confronted our news team in Wingstop last Thursday: “Hey y’all! It’s me, the George
Street Sax Man! I slept in your bed and made sweet sweet saxy sax noise in it all week! Sax you later!” said the famous George Street Sax Man, playing a smooth sax riff and then floating out of the room. ke them suffer in their last semester with Expos II,” shouted Vice Chancellor of New Brunswick Richard Edwards as he pulled out a cigarette from his blazer. “We lower our goddamn standards to let in more of these prissy privileged cocks and despite playing the numbers, they still can’t make us look good academically!” When asked what this means for the Camden and Newark campuses, Edwards added: “They are already a lost fucking cause. No way they ever get into a good graduate school, so let’s just pretend they don’t exist like usual.”
OUTBREAK Your Children>Herd like this.” The disease was a fever, a dance fever. The particular strain: the Macarena, or in medical jargon, the hand-hand-shoulder-shoulder-head-head disease. It can be caught by just observing another person doing the dance, but only if the dancer that one is observing has put their entire heart and soul into the movements. No one knows who dancer zero was, but according to some dining staff members, something funky was happening in the pasta line
last Monday night. Allegedly, one student was seen doing strange hand movements when they were pointing to the sauces and meats as they ordered their pasta. As of right now, University Health Services haven’t been able to stop the outbreak of the Macarena, but there does seem to be a cure for afflicted students: a very vigorous hip shake.
Kevin Smith Starts Fiverr Business Selling Staged Crying Selfies For Every Occasion
MANUEL C. HODE
TRIPLE PLAT CONTRIBUTOR
Kevin Smith, the critically acclaimed filmmaker behind Clerks, Mallrats, and that fucking walrus fursuit movie, recently unveiled a sidegig on popular e-marketplace Fiverr. Besides cinema, Smith is also a renowned writer, podcaster, comic book retailer, and crying-selfie photographer. His resume encompasses the three Star Wars trilogies and the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe, but despite his $25 million net worth, he’s eager to capitalize on his waterworks. Starting next month, Jay & Silent Bob’s Tear Circlejerk will open digital shop. If you are a stunted, shut-in failure who is unable to properly express emotion, pay Kevin Smith $5
and he will express those emotions for you in the form of a weepy, sobby crying selfie that totally wasn’t contrived for social clout. Saw an epic display of CGI nostalgia fellatio and left edging? Kevin Smith will cry for you when no one else will. Diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma and 4 months to live? Kevin Smith will cry for you when no one else will. Weddings, graduations, evictions, births, funerals, the death of [celebrity] who was pretty much your best friend? Kevin Smith will be your guardian angel, crying for all of the above and more. If only he could cry for sins of the past. If only he could cry the cries of 100 billion dead, or the joyful tears of 6 trillion unborn. If only he could’ve wept when the doctor removed the umbilical cord
Racist Neighborhood Facebook Group Starts Facebook Group To Review Racist Neighborhood Facebook Groups YURI THRALL
STAPH WRITER
Kevin Smith, the critically ac You know it, and unless you’re the weird grandparents or pill-addled aunts who the kids are forced to talk to over the holidays, you probably don’t love it. Or maybe you do. Either or, Middlesex Matters has become the go-to hub for suburbanite neighborhood baby boomers who definitely aren’t racist, but just have a thing or two to say about the pant-sagging blacks around the corner. I recently had the displeasure of speaking to one of the head admins of the group, 52 year old mother Brandi-Lynn Gennifer, over some wine. “We don’t HATE ‘em, but just wished they kept to themselves, y’know? Black neighborhood, black residents, black mayor, we get it. Same with the gays and the illegals and the illegal gays. Why can’t they come to our beautiful country LEGALLY like the Europeans did in 1492?” In less than a year, Middlesex Matters has grown to over 3,000 members strong, a safe space for neighborhood individuals to tell it like it is without worrying
about “the safe space college liberal Mafioso.” “We’re only saying what we’re all thinking here; it’s okay to be afraid of arbitrary differences in pigment you have no control over. First the hip-hops, then the Mexicans, then the hajis, then the Chinese, like you? Sorry. I can tell you’re one of those orientals I guess. Always mix ‘em up, no offense.” When she wasn’t explaining how she’s not racist because “your people are the ones with the higher IQ,” Gennifer mentioned where she plans to take the group, a watershed milestone for boomer Facebook groups. “We noticed some groups were either too P.C. or weren’t P.C. enough. We’re open minded to Southern Pride, promoting heritage over hate, but the hoods and tiki torches are just a tad over the line. So we figured, why not make a group to review those other groups?” Coming April 15th, Neighborhood Watch Watch will selectively review other neighborhood Facebook groups with incoherently capitalized rants, YouTube journalism citations, and a dog-whistle rating system out of five. “The less whistles and more white space, the better.”
around my fucking neck. If only he could cry through the years of unrelenting bullying, beatings, dejection, and regret. If only he could’ve been there to cry for the ways you treated me, DAD. No, I will NOT forgive you leveraging grandma’s death to ask for MY meds. I will NOT forgive the hours upon hours of being cursed out for hours upon hours. You wonder why I don’t open up, but why should I, you bigoted, narcissistic fucking shit? I don’t want to hate you, but it’s getting harder and harder to like you. No amount of Kevin Smith selfies will undo the scars lain bare into my mind, my spongy, pathetic mind. If only.
RESEARCHERS
Giving STEAM a new meaning enough volunteers to hook it up to their butt and let the machine do the rest. It’s painless and quite effective. It also poses no threat to the human body. The only side effect we have found is a significant increase in sex drive” McDonald said. If they can produce 1000 machines and find enough volunteers, the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere will remain constant. Any more machines than that will slowly lower the level. “I am so proud of what this lab has accomplished. I’ve already sucked over 1 liter of carbon dioxide up my ass and that’s just the start. After I take my next shit I’m gonna go
right back to the machine. Then I’m gonna go home and plow my wife!” exclaimed Professor King Burger. The scientists predict that the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere should be back to normal within a few years. This is exciting news, and if it works as planned we may save the planet for generations to come. “I cannot express enough gratitude to everyone involved in this project. This is just one part of the life-changing work we do here at Rutgers. I can’t wait to join in and stick some carbon dioxide right up my fun hole” said Rutgers President Robert Barchi.
Inside Sheet: The (After)Life of a Ghost PINKY
SPOOKY ENTITY You probably don’t know me or have even heard of me, that’s because I’m dead. Hi I’m a ghost and people have a lot of misconceptions about me. For one I don’t just go into people’s homes and run up the electric bill! I was a person once too ya know. I’m here because I have unfinished business on Earth, the catch: I have to complete it while wearing a sheet over my head. As you can imagine it can be pretty difficult to locate your son’s killer while trying to peek through tiny eyeholes! Now the media depicts us in very ludicrous ways to be frank. No ghost is just wearing their normal clothes we all have sheets. Maybe they would wear them under the sheet, but never over or without. Now you may be wondering what my unfinished business is? You probably think it’s something crazy, something exciting, something that would make an insane movie?? Ha funny. I have to apologize to my roommate for eating his egg salad one night...that’s it. I’m trapped in purgatory until I somehow get my roommate to understand that I’m sorry. Yeah so I was really hungry one night and I saw it in the fridge. Next day, I get hit by bus. If he were hit by that bus he’d have to apologize to me for so much shit! Uh let’s see, he was drunk once and threw up in my hamper of freshly cleaned clothes, um he stole my car keys while I was asleep and left my car in Philly, although he did reimburse me for gas... Point is timing is everything. You never know when you’re gonna die, could be ten, twenty, fifty years from now or it could be later today. Also always look both ways before you cross the street, otherwise you could be wearing a sheet over your head for eternity.
In The Sheets: Sex! MATT DAVIDS SHEET SEXPERT
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have sex in a bed? Have you ever wondered what the best sheets for sex are? Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have sex?? Well worry no more your answer is here! Over the last two months I have interviewed over sixty couples having sex to get the raw data myself. My main mission, find out which sheets are the most comfortable, Egyptian Cotton, Linen, or Silk. At first I thought the obvious answer was Silk as it was so smooth. “Silky smooth” as people say. Plus, Egyptian Cotton and Linen would get really hot really quick, and you’ll risk passing out mid coitus. Much to my surprise my research proved otherwise. Thirty-two percent of couples preferred Linen, fifty-five preferred Egyptian Cotton, leaving only a measly thirteen percent to Silk. When asked why they disliked Silk, Jon Howard of Newport, Rhode Island replied, “It’s way too smooth, if you end up on it you could slide right off the bed!” His wife Rebecca Howard agreed. “Once I slid right into the vanity and broke my ankle!” she said. Other couples explained why they found Egyptian Cotton or Linen preferable. Josefina Sanchez of Bar Harbor, Maine said she preferred the smell of Linen and the texture of E. Cotton. “Linen just smells like my childhood; all my clothes were Linen including my underwear. As for the Egyptian Cotton well it just feels comfortable and I sleep well knowing I fucked like a Pharaoh!” Well there you have it, if you’re trying to have sex invest in Linen, Cotton, or even new Bamboo bedspreads. Whatever you do AVOID SILK AT ALL COSTS YOU RISK INJURY OR POSSIBLY EVEN DEATH.
Inside Sheets! KKK Edition
“NO WAY, YOU’RE NOT SEEIN’ UNDER HERE!!”-Hooded douche named Glenn.
The Daily Medium
OPINIONS
Page 6
April 1, 2019
All Family Drama Need to Stop When I’m on Break A Selfish Fuck
This is Rutgers, we rarely get breaks. This is the one and only chance for me to get some of that R&R. This whole semester has been one binge-drinking bender that has taken a lot out of me. A man can only drink so much spiked lemonade at OB’s happy hour. The deforestation of the Amazon has not gone through as much greenery as I have with the amount of bowls I’ve smoked. Also, there is classes and studying, but honestly I think I’m good on that regard. I’m more worried about being awake for four days straight on pure, industrial grade cocaine. I’m starting to see Mother Mary come to meand it isn’t in a lovey dovey, Paul McCartney way. My brain cells have evaporated within my skull this whole time and it’s time for them to trickle back down. I absolutely needed this detox week- filled with the necessary uppers and downers, of course- so that I can become a person again. Unfortunately, my family will not provide me the respite I deserve. As soon as I come home, Uncle Zach just starts moaning and groaning about his his brain tumor. Like, we get it, you are feeling pain on a daily basis, so can you please be quiet as I binge this Flat Earth documentary. Now is the only time I can watch my shows and not have the deep seated dread in my unconscious due to all the assignments I am putting off. Yeah, I know I would of watched it before break anyways, it is the principle alright. But no, I have to hear the rantings and ravings of my Mother and Father going at their fifteenth consecutive argument for the night. Who cares about who let the dog get a heatstroke in the car when they went shopping, I sure don’t! You marriage is failing and you might as well get a divorce and argue over the phone, far away from me. Ah dear sister, who also on break, you pretend to be an ally but you are just a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Stop fucking asking me how all these questions about your boyfriend, unexpected pregnancies, and how much abortions costs. These random questions that have nothing in common are just irritating you goddamn asshole. Unfortunately, all the drama never ends and break is over. Please get your shit together fam, I’m off to have another drug fueled bender which may put me in a state penitentiary.
CORRECTIONS
The Daily Targum promptly corrects all errors of opinion. If you are aware of any indivudals who believe Michael Jackson diddled those kids, please report them to The Daily Targum for immediate re-education.
EDITORIAL
Better a Furry Than a Fascist
If you’re an avid internet user that has been around the annals of the webosphere over the past 10-20 years you likely have come into contact with, and not necessarily in a positive way, the term “furry”. A furry is someone that is attracted to anthropomorphic(human-like) animals and may engage in dressing up as such an animal at conventions, during intercourse, and sometimes in everyday life. While there is a sexual component, many individuals view the furry lifestyle as more of an identity than anything else. They by and large find zoophilia abhorrent, donate to animal rights causes, and prop of the economy through expensive fursuit and custom-porn purchases. On the internet, furries receive a disproportionate amount of hate for how harmless they truly are. If you have a proclivity for the edgier side of cyberspace then you might end up on 4chan or some of the darker sides of Facebook and Reddit, there you will find a vast volume of pictures, memes, and stories all dedicated to talking about how gross and bizarre furries are. These pages often relish in their often right leaning views and their anti-politically correct statements, which might as well be code for
being mean because you think it’s funny. There has always been people hating on Furries; people don’t like things they don’t understand, and many don’t understand dressing up in animal costumes and yiffing(whatever that means). But why is furry-hate so popular in alt-right communities? Many people with right leanings hold very individualistic world-views and do not like the idea of government(or anyone else) telling them what to do. However, when it comes to people expressing their own individual rights and respecting those people’s right to get their yiff on, they lash out in some ugly ways. In 2014 there was a terror attack on a furry convention in the midwest, 19 people were hospitalized. On 4chan in particular, they decided to poke fun and laugh at what they viewed as an acceptable hate crime. This reaction is not uncommon when violence is done against other groups they do not like whether it be leftists or feminists. If these actions looks a little Fascisty to you, you’re not the only one. Suddenly it seems individual rights only apply to right leaning white males, and conformity is now the name of the game. I ask you dear reader which is more gross? Some fascist internet edgelord getting off on violence against people they don’t understand, or someone who gets off to consensual sex in a furry costume? I’ll let you be the judge.
The Daily Medium’s editorials represent the views of people from different backgrounds, sexual orientations, and species of animals including but not limited to trans dolphins, gay elephants, and a heterosexual man.
The Daily Medium
April 1, 2019
THE Definitive Performance Enhancer gunfire when I’ve gotten bored and cornered them in tactical John Comedian or Wick Center Axis Dan Bilzerian just nuts? Relock stance with my Glock 21 Gen. 4, depositing round after Joe Rogan round of .45 ACP hollow point into their skulls, execution style, for the sake of conservation. You’ve Hello freak bitches! If you follow probably never even read these the mixed martial arts scene, the words because you’re an illiterate comedy scene, the podcasting dumb fucking axis deer who can’t scene, or the axis deer hunting conceptualize human language scene, you probably know who and no one reads this trash I am. You’ve probably seen the anyway. strewn, bloodied carcasses of your relatives, silently kimura But, if you can read these words, locked, rear naked choked, and then I’m happy to tell you more close quarter stealth-killed across about my latest sponsor. I have the California wilderness. You’ve always been an advocate for probably heard the crackles of the alternative medicines, the
Why I Want to Join R. Kelly’s Sex Cult A Fearless Man
F
KYLE MEDADDY
or those of you who don’t know who R. Kelly is you must have been living under a rock, because as Michael Jackson is the king of pop, R. Kelly is the king of R&B and they are quite similar in many other ways. Ever since I was a little boy I was obsessed with R. Kelly. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. hen the first allegation came out I had no doubt he did it, but I knew he’d get away with it because he is fucking R. Kelly. Now don’t get me wrong what he did was illegal and wrong, but by
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god, I had wished I was that young girl. hen several years later at a concert in Ethiopia, which I of course attended, R. Kelly sang me a song that would enter my heart and do a dance with my penis. Asking us to come back with him to America, telling us he wanted us with him. Not only this but he also shows how much he cares about our health by asking us if we’ve gotten our shots. Then the new allegations came out. Allegations about a sex cult, a sex cult that I have always dreamed of: an R. Kelly sex cult. Then came the interview showing us he is a hurt broken man and it gave me a huge boner. He is a god and I want him to pee inside me.
T
DMT, aya, LSD, green goddess, CBD, Onnit Snake Oil, anthrax envelopes, Alpha Brain, Buttered Death Wish Coffee, Super Male Vitality, sensory deprivation float tanks, the Carnivore Diet, the fresh blood of a beating elk calf heart. Still, not even Jordan Peterson, Eddie Bravo, or Elon Musk could envision a formula for something this ingenious and enlightening. Devised from an ancient blend from the old mid-1990s era, my new, independently-sourced Jenkem strain is THE definitive performance enhancer to open your body, mind, and sinuses.
Opinions Page 7 Terence McKenna was still alive he would have a BANGING speech about how it’s the apotheosis of the duality of man. With natural emissions, it deprives the oxygen from your brain, thereby reducing the innate pain of being alive and bringing you one step to literal AND egoic death! Best of all, it’s 100% all natural folks; why should you be thrown in a cage for something NATURALLY secreted by our bodies? It’s like, fucked up, man.
Joey Diaz tried it, Duncan’s tried it, and you should too, man. Let it ferment. Take all the mason jar in. Sourced reusable and sustainably, Google “jenkem”. Jenkem is the ULTIMATE stimulant and depressant, upper and downer, shitter and pisser. If
I Was Born in the Wrong Generation A Real Important Issue
MILLIE TYLER
I’m just gonna say it: best of 70’s and 80’s stations are WAY better than modern top 40 stations. It’s not even a fair fight, all the great bands from the old days CRUSH the dime-a-dozen mumble rap that rides today’s airwaves. Do you know why that is? Survivorship bias! The best songs from ANY decade are going to be better than the average of any other! All the crap that they made in the 70s and 80s (and trust me, there was LOTS of crap) just gets left behind, and only the very best remain. I’m glad I wasn’t born in the mid-70’s, I’d miss out on all the music that wasn’t made or wasn’t popular yet, and have to hear mid-
70’s era DRIVEL. No, when I say I was born in the wrong generation, I don’t mean I was born too late. That’d just be stupid. Just because a song wasn’t written while I was growing up doesn’t mean I can’t listen to it. No, I was born too early. I like modern pop and hip-hop! There’s a lot of modern artists who definitely earned their fame, and I’m glad I got to grow up in the 2000’s listening to 00’s and 10’s music. But if I was born in the mid 2020’s, on the other hand, all the great 00’s and 10’s music would’ve
already been made, and all the shit we’d like to forget would already be fading into obscurity. The later you’re born, the more music there is to listen to, and I’d MUCH rather get to listen to 70’s-20’s music than just 70’s and 80’s music. Anyone have a time machine?
YOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. Due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not exceed 500 words. However we do not any right wing redoric brainwashing from republicans. If fact if your a heterosexual cist male don’t even waste your time submitting. You lack oppression and are so privilaged you do not have a right to an opinion. Thank you for understanding; if you don’t I don’t . I think that’s pretty reasonable, don’t you? Submit your content via e-mail to: themedium.opinions@gmail.com!
Page 8
Crossword
DIVERSIONS
April 1, 2019
YA BOIII
ACROSS 4 - What you never have to get into frat parties 5 - Men are _____ 8 - T-series ain’t nothing but a bitch ______ 9 - The devils lettuce and your best friend 11 - You can never fart silently if you shave your ______ 12 - Rutgers engineers are deprived of _______ 14 - “Smells like broke in here”-everyone who owns ________ 15 - Can I hit your ______? DOWN 1 - Let’s get this ________ 2 - International students only smoke _______ 3 - The superior juul pod flavor 6 - “Weddings are basically funerals with cake” -a famous quote by _______ 7 - Yee 10 - Slang for gravity bong (iykyk) 13 - This _____ aint shit.....40 min later *wavey asf* Answers are upside down at the bottom right! Feel free to sit on your head to read them. Alternatively, I guess you could turn the paper, but that’s boring.
Wrinkly Ball Sack or Clint Eastwood’s Face? By Icky Vicky
Answer: Wrinkly Ball Sack Reason: The hair’s are a dead give away. This is clearly the pubes of a old, aging director who holds antiquated and backward ideas and yells them to a chair (look it up folks).
Answer: Wrinkly Ball Sack Reason: These balls have faced a ton of abuse, which is visible with all the rough marks around the outer rim. I’m surprised these pair of balls are still functional.
Answer: Clint Eastwood’s Face Reason: I mean seriously, come on guys, this is literally a picture of a man’s face. You’d have to have brain cells leaking out of your ears to mistake this for a Wrinkly Ball Sack.
Answer: Wrinkly Ball Sack Reason: This one is tricky, I’ll admit it. If you have been chugging your carrot juice for that sweet, sweet Vitamin C boost to your vision, you will be able to notice that there are no eyes on this hump of flesh. Balls do not have any eyes, so that is that. Kudos for catching that very minor detail!
Horoscopes Cancer (June 22-July 22) - Cotton Candy Flavored Vape Juice You’re sweet and compassionate like cotton candy! Also, you barely have any substance and you’re made of 99% sugar. So basically, you’re great for a couple seconds, but then I remember you make me fat. So, pop that daddy into a vape and smoke that good good until Boom! You got yourself some cancer :D Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) - Guacamole You’re the center of every party! People love to eat you up, but no one wants to double dip. Also, you are a complete pain in the ass and I swear to God that my hands smell like cilantro for like three hours afterwards and I have to go around with fucking cilantro hands all day. Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) - Hot Sauce A fiery sauce for a fiery sign! Also I only consider putting you in my mouth when I’m drunk and then immediately after I have to wash any trace of you out with several gallons of milk. Also, you don’t make tacos as good as you think you do. Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) - Ranch Taurus is a bull which is toro in spanish and bulls are male cows and cows live on ranches which is basically a farm except their primary focus is cattle and sheep which makes sense because cattle is a group of cows and within that group of cows there are male cows which are called bulls. So yeah... ranch Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) - Cum Because you can suck my dick.
ACROSS DOWN 4 - Ratio 1 - Bread 5 - Trash 2 - Cigarettes 8 - Lasagna 3 - Mango 9 - Weed 6 - Rick 11 - Butthole 7 - Haw 12 - Sex 10 - Geeb 14 - Airpods 13 - Edible 15 - Juul
Here is one game that will definitely leave you stumped. Try to guess what the following four pictures are: Wrinkly Ball Sack or Clint Eastwood’s Face?
Traitorous Gumball Gemini (May 21-June 21) - Sweet and Sour Cuz you’re a two-faced bitch. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - Extra Virgin Olive Oil You’re a wizard in the deli. Also, think of the greasy, foul-breathed, acneridden, mouth-breeding incel screaming slurs over Call of Duty in his mom’s basement. Now make them a eunuch. You’re still more of a virgin than he is. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Water You sick, sick fuck. Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) - Tartar Sauce [insert recipe for tartar sauce here] Served with fish. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) - Vinegar You don’t mix with anyone, but you go really well on Italian subs. Also people can smell you like a mile away, so take a shower. Unfortunately, you don’t catch many flies (see Sagittarius below). Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -Honey Mustard Because you’re a honey. Also you get given out by the handful at McDonald’s. That’s it, people may ask for you, but most of the time you’re just passed around by people trying to get rid of you because they ran out of bbq sauce. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - Baja Blast Please don’t ask me why, but it may have something to do with your need to get Baja Blasted.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS YO! WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00PM IN ROOM 109, LSC!
April 1, 2019
The Grim Reaper
Pearl Before Swine
Read Right to Left
Fake Rehab
Satire Paper Meeting
Diversions Page 9
Satan
Stephen Patsis
Hanatewa Ryojoshijoku
Lou Skunt
P.P. Harding
Classifieds
Page 10 How to Write a Personal
April 1, 2019
1. Take a deep look inside yourself and come face to face with your deepest, darkest fears. 2. Drink between 934 and 1475 mils. of Jack Daniel’s to try and forget.
Announcements • Statements of the Obvious • Shit no one wants to know 3. Fail and begin drafting a let-
Shit You Need Done • Shit You Want to Do • People You Want to Do • What I
ter to your closest friends and family explaining why you’re leaving this life and e-mail it to: themedium.personals@gmail. com
Real Advertising Rates Real Advertisement:
4. Look for it in the paper next week. Just kidding you won’t be
Send ads to themedium.personals@gmail.com from your Rutgers E-Mail Account only.
Sick of the Targum and their grayed out space? Advertise with us and shove it in their face!
Personals:
POLICY CHANGES
I NEED YOU
All students who have missed three or more meetings of any class will now recieve oral sex next time they show up in order to bolster attendance.
Looking for someone who looks exactly like me but is 3 inches shorter. I want to see if my friends just like me for
In order to combat sexual assault on campus, all takeout swipes will now count for double. That way nobody will want to roofie your fat ass.
Looking for male cigarette smokers between ages 35 and 45 to participate in a study about how long it takes a middle aged man to purchase a pack of Marbloros from 7/11. My father has been gone for 10 years and I want to see if this is normal.
Any student suffering from frequent drug use may report to the health center for a free fentanyl overdose so as to reduce the percentage of the student body suffering Looking for young asian from addiction. girl to sit with me while I
stream Apex Legends and react to my gameplay. Voice should be 3 octaves higher than normal.
BUY ME FOR SALE: Baby shoes. Never worn. I couldn’t fit my big ass man feet in them.
for sale: Replica samurai sword. Recommended for anyone whose mom isn’t a paranoid bitch. For Sale: Mutant pet fox. Has nine tails. Favorite food is fish cakes. For Sale: Quart of human blood. I won’t ask questions if you don’t. For Sale: My virginity. Please take it. Just not out of pity please. Do it because you want to.
Looking for local gun owner to stand in the kitchen of my apartment between the hours of eleven PM and ten AM and guard my box of “Oops! All Berries!” Cap’n Crunch cereal from my thieving ass roommates.
1
Somewhere to Live • Somewhere to Be • Somewhere to go • To Call Your Home
Items for Sale Items for Give Items for Theft
/4 page
Article Mentioning Your Business
Other Options
5” x 4”
At least 6’
Napkin
???
$45.00
£Town
Bong Rip
20,000 Rubles
/8 page
Looking for stoner boyfriend to completely ruin my life. Must be white, lanky, long haired, and have absolutely NO goals or ambitions. In exchange for a constant supply of marijuana, I will have sex with you three times a week. No anal unless you give me coke. Looking for someone to shame me every time I eat junk food in order to help me achieve my summer body. Applicants must have an exgirlfriend who is at least an 8, (I am a 2) to compare me to and make me feel self conscious. Looking for marketing intern for my human trafficking operation. We primarily deal in women, ages 2 to 6. If hired, in addition to your salary you’ll recieve a free sample model with all limbs and teeth removed for ease of use. Looking for hunting enthusiast capable of tracking human game to chase me around the Livingston nature preserve over the course of a weekend. Non-lethal capture is prefered but Looking for my ex-girlfriend Marissa. Please come back to me baby. I promise I’ll change.
1
“It’s a party every week baby!” - Cory from “Cory in the House”
HOUSE ME
TELEVISION
Looking for a room in a New Brunswick apartment. Floor space must be at least 15’ x 15’. Occupants must be cool with occasional rhythmic chanting and pained screams of various barnyard animals.
I still can’t watch iCarly reruns without popping a big old stiffy every time Lubert comes on. Now that’s a real man. All my friends love Friends, but I hate Friends so I don’t think I can be friends with them anymore.
Bitching • Moaning • Whining • Groaning • Reading • Writing • Fighting • Flight-
The Daily Medium Livingston Student Center Room 109 Piscataway, NJ 08854 732-932-3930 I come from an overwhelmingly white town but after consistently watching Oprah, the Wendy William’s show, and just about everything on BET for a little over a year I consider myself to be extremely sensitive to black issues. I also say the n-word in public. All I’m saying is that Jake from Statefarm can get this dick. I swear to God I will rip the khakis right off that delicious little twink and pound his tiny ass.
Page 11
April 1, 2019 NOT FOOTBALL
Rutgers Introduces Rifle Club to Take on Incoming Busch Geese BY ROBIN BANKS WANKER
Spring has definitely sprung. Despite the nearly frigid temperatures engulfing the mid-Atlantic region, one aspect of Spring has already made its mark. That’s right. The Busch geese have been spotted flying over the ‘ol banks of the Raritan. They are back to poop up a storm. Stow away the Balenciaga and Gucci shoes and replace them with rubber Crocs. There will be shit everywhere. To combat this perennial invasion, Rutgers’ Athletic Director Pat Hobbs introduced the Rutgers Rifle Club to a group of Busch engineers and computer nerds. “Last year we brought in dogs to chase them out of our campus. But they came back with a vengeance. They done poked out one of Rover’s eyes”. This year, it is a completely different story. “Hunting is a sport everywhere except for liberal
Jersey. I’ve practiced my one shot one kill tactic too many times. Those geese are history”, said Louisiana native Buddy Duke. The Rifle Club is currently sponsored by the NRA. As a national organization, the NRA is not afraid to make hunting a bigger and more successful sport than football at Rutgers. As a result, the Rifle Club has been granted a $3 million grant from the organizations. The catch is that the members of the club are current students that have illegally stashed guns in their dorms. As a result, that money will pay for the endless amounts of beer the members will consume. Additionally, it will help pay off any law suits from students accidentally caught up in the line of fire. They are allowed to practice their “target shooting” on Mondays between 7PM and 11 PM. If the Rifle Club is successful, that would mean an end to a seemingly endless saga between man and goose.
D
id you know that there was a bowling alley under Loree Hall on Cook Douglass? If you didn’t that’s fine, because no one cares about that campus anyways. As seen on @barstoolrutgers, two idiot freshman decided to “discover” the bowling alley. What they saw was a psychedelic mural painted by the class of 1972. The Rutgers Bowling Club, which ran from 1969 to 1975, was disbanded because bowling was not practiced. Rather, a cult was formed where the numerous bowling balls were used as anal beads. After students complained about “hurting bums” the club dissolved. With the recent discovery, president Barchi confessed he was a founding member of the bowling club.
I Rutgers finally sponsoring a program worth paying for
THIS TIME STILL NO FOOTBALL
Chris Christie to be named new defensive coordinator for Rutgers Football BY ROBIN BANKS BLOKE
Lim Eun-Soo being a bad sport. By bandaging her wound, she lessened the intensity of the sport. Splattered blood would have been more appropriate.
IN BRIEF
Japan - Dinner is served On Wednesday night, 16-year-old South Korean figure skater Lim Eun-Soo’s calf was allegedly slashed by the skate of 22-year-old American skater Mariah Bell. The incident occurred during the warm up session of the ISU World Figure Skating Championships. This incident has launched not only a police investigation, but also a moral one. On her Instagram bio, Bell is a selfproclaimed “people person”. This has always been interpreted as Bell being gregarious and friendly to her fellow human race. However, now her actions are being interpreted as cannibalistic. During the warmups, the temperature in the building is around 30 degrees Fahrenheit, AKA the perfect storage temperature for human flesh. According to police reports, the skimpy clothing and bare flesh triggered Mariah Bell. Given that there were many participants from different parts of the world, different cuts of meat were also available. For Mariah Bell, her being in Asia obvi-
ously made her crave Asian food. South Korea’s Lim EunSoo just happened to be in the same dressing room as Bell. It was at this time Bell took the blade of her skate and cut Soo. With blood splattering about, Soo ran. After the incident, Bell was found cradling the skate that cut Soo. She was crying and was heard saying, “I just wanted some meat for my Korean barbeque later. It was the freshest meat I could find.” The Figure Skating Committee is investigating the incident as a hate crime. In all honesty, the woman just wanted her meat. With meat prices rising around the world, the average price of Korean barbeque will drop someone back around $20. Given Mariah Bell already spent around $1200 on a plane ticket to go to the skating rink, $20 is too much to handle. Going after free meat is commendable in itself.* * Please be advised, after such comments by Robin Banks, the Medium will be investigating the mysterious disappearance of fellow writer “Smol Tit”.
ncidentally, the first week of spring also brought forth the coming of cricket team. The cricket team features mostly South Asian students from the neighboring towns of Piscataway, Edison, and Somerset. The cricket team lied dormant during the winter months due to the frigid weather. “Our ancestors come from a warm country. We wanted to respect them”, said captain Jay Patel. The cricket team is one of the most successful teams in the history of Rutgers, mostly becauset there is no other cricket team for 100 miles.
C
oach Chris Ash was recently arrested by the Rutgers Police Department on charges of theft. Ash, who may still be the coach next year since no one else wants it, was found sneaking into wrestling coach Scott Goodale’s home to steal the national champion trophies recently won by students Nick Suriano and Anthony Ashnault. Ash is the disgraced head coach of the Rutgers Men’s football team. While being interrogated, Ash was heard saying that he was not going to win a national championship anytime soon. The motive of his theft was to impress his children, who planned on visiting him during their weekly visits to his multimilllion dollar home. He wanted to do it, #FTK.
K
neeling during the National Anthem has been met wih widespread criticism throughout the world of sports. However, many have voiced their opinion by standing by the likes of Colin Kaepernick and literally every other player. Kaepernick has decided that he has had enough. “There is no way I will ‘stand’ for this. Why is it that when I decided to kneel, I got fired. But when others do it, they still got contracts.” He also expressed that the motive behind him kneeling was that he was tired of the weight of his hair over his shoulders. “That shit weighed at least ten pounds. Along with all the pads and equipment, I was just tired man”.
TWITTER: @TheMediumRU WEBSITE: rutgersthemedium.wordpress.com BLOG: whoblogsanymore.com
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
SPORTS MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2019
QUOTE OF THE DAY “Every sport other than football does not matter, even though I have single handedly ruined the football program at this school.” —Rutgers Football Coach Chris Ash
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM
Rutgers Men’s Basketball Accidentally Left Out of Tournament BY ADVAIT SUVARNAKAR SPORTS EDITOR
What could have been for the Scarlet Knights will remain just that. In the meantime, Rutgers should be celebrating the fact that their women’s basketball team earned a 7th seed in their respective tourna-
Breaking news has come out of the NCAA’s national office in Indianapolis. According to a letter intended for immediate release, Rutgers Men’s Basketball was accidentally left out of the March Madness Tournament. What turned out to be a small hiccup in the NCAA’s scoring placement, was a huge blow to the New Jersey team. The Rutgers team, which had an impressive record for their standards, ended their season a few weeks ago. Headed by Coach Steve Pikiell, the Scarlet Knights were an incredible team this past season. This mistake by the NCAA is just one of the grievances the NCAA has faced in the past couple of years. With the player kickback scandals, to the push to pay players for their respective sports, the NCAA has a lot on its plate to deal with. Additionally, Rutgers Athletics is threatening to sue the NCAA for nearly $50 million, or the same amount of money Rutgers Athletics took from student tuition money to maintain High Point Solutions stadium. The Rutgers student body was rightfully upset. “We would’ve been a lot better off had we not known about this”, said Chad Smith. “Even though we are not the best in the country, we are still ten times better than our football team. That in and of itself deserves a journey to the tourney”, he continued.
ment. In the meantime, the NCAA and Rutgers will be working together to alleviate this misunderstanding. Many players were visibly distraught, including star guard, Geo
Baker. “This sucks man. I’m gonna be a junior next season. I am not even sure if I will even make the G league at this point”. SEE TOURNAMENT ON PAGE 10
SEE TRACK ON PAGE 13
Rutgers Men’s Basketball is looking towards the future to increase their rankings within the AP Poll next year
Rutgers Recognized As One of Few Schools Maintaining Collegiate Integrity Amid Scandal BY ADVAIT SUVARNAKAR SPORTS EDITOR
In light of the college admissions scandal bringing the country’s higher institutions of learning to their knees, Rutgers has been recognized as one of few schools to fairly recruit real athletes from high school. Given that many parents bought their children into elite schools such as Yale and UCLA, they also mentioned that their children were top athletes in high school. These children did not play popular, and actually taxing, sports such as basketball or football. Rather, some were “state champions” in less followed sports such as rowing, fencing, and gymnastics. The purpose of this was for the kids to remain under the radar throughout the admissions process.
Rutgers lesser known sports teams were rightfully proud of their integrity. “Our rowers come from towns that have a river”, said rowing coach Justin Price. “If they do not have a river or any rowing experience, they can not possibly row for our team”. Further, Rutgers’ Athletics Director, Pat Hobbs, mentioned that all Division I athletes are academically assessed. This means a minimum SAT score must be achieved. For now, Rutgers is savoring this victory of some sorts. Rutgers is currently recruiting high school athletes, something the colleges mentioned before do not have to do. By earning this distinction from the NCAA, Rutgers is poised to become a safety school for
EXTRA POINT
NCAA MEN’S SCORES
Virginia UNC
Oklahoma St. Oklahoma
Yee Haw
Rutgers -8 Any B1G team 100+
Michigan State Michigan
Hush Money
Uncle Jessie Aunt Becky
Brower Nielson
$12 $18
tears of joy tears of sadness
100 -52
SEE SCANDAL ON PAGE 10
NICK SURIANO
,not Anthony Ashnault.* Nick recently won a national championship in men’s grappling? On Tuesday Nick was allowed to ring the bell at Old Queens. * Please do not beat us up
KNIGHTS SCHEDULE
LACROSSE
WOMEN’S BASKETBALL
BASEBALL
WATER POLO
at Johns Hopkins University
WNIT 5th Place Game
at Ramapo
Passaic River
Tuesday 1:19 p.m. Boobs, NJ
Saturday, 1:00 p.m. Passaic, NJ
Today, 4:00 PM Today, 7:00 PM Bathseda, Maryland. New Brunswick