SPORTS All men named Doug consider growing mustaches after St. Peter’s reaches Elite Eight
PUBLIC HEALTH COVID-19 finally backs off for five minutes... only to come back again.
TECHNOLOGY InDesign sucks absolute donkey dick.
WEATHER
Serving the Rutgers community since 1970. Independent as long as the Targum has
Look, I don’t know how it is while you’re reading this shit, so look out of a window or some-
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
New Districts, WhoIsDis? BY JOE SCHMOE FROM FIVETHIRTYEIGHT POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM
WEDNESDAY,MARCH30,2
Will Smith And Chris Rock To Headline UFC 275 BY JACK JOHNSON
NEWS CORRESPONDENT
Ah, it’s that time of the year. That particular time when our The main card for UFC 275 lawmakers decide to finagle the was announced Monday, and the districts so that what was alheadliner was Will Smith and ready gerrymandered becomes Chris Rock. Following their altereven more gerrymandered. cation at the 2022 Oscar Awards, With this new development, where Smith smacked Rock due let’s examine some of the maps. to a joke about Will’s wife Jada The first one to start with Pinkett Smith’s balding caused would be New Jersey. Unless by alopecia, the two actors will this paper ended up on the botformally settle their differences tom of your shoe and you travat the mixed martial arts compeeled to Illinois and some wheat tition in June. farmer manages to read it beWill Smith explained he wantfore getting shot, you probably ed toparticipateinthebout tofin live in New Jersey. One of the ish off what he started with Rock. most shocking things that is “I only got to do a minor slap on clear on the new NJ congressio Chris at the Oscars. Now in the nal map is that the 5th district octagon, I will be able to formally got circumcised. I understand ‘rock’ him. And beat the crap out that Josh Gottheimer is Jewish, of him too.” but did you really have to make Rock’s motivations for joining Chris Rock and Will Smith fighting in a boxing ring, even though the UFC actually uses the octagon. Who cares if the his district look like his dingthe event were a bit different. image is wrong? Not this editor. dong? Meanwhile, the 2nd Con “Despite my career-defining role gressional district has recently voicing Mooseblood the Mosquito this out will be an all-time great tended to be the headliner, but to logical conclusion, but the probcontracted melanoma and now in Bee Movie, I still hear people event for the Ultimate Fighting the relief of everyone, Smith and lem is there is a full extra colhas a malignant tumor growing, say Will Smith has been a more Championship. And that’s not Rock overtook their place at the umn here. So, allow me to write probably after seeing Van Drew because I think the event will be hottest celebrity beef at the mo- a poem. Oh, tasty W2, who will successful actor than me. At first try to turn over the election. I thought we could settle this in a exciting, but it’s because I know ment (Davidson-West was get- do my taxes? For if one is to rub Looking at Alabama, the state thou meat, who will file the faxes? rap battle, but once Will slapped people will be willing to pay at ting quite stale). most famous for still being a Rounding out the main card of Times are tough, I have my frog, me at the Oscars, I realized a full least $1000 pay-per-view for it. part of the Confederate States vs. who is a man who relaxes? on “slap battle” UFC style would So I will continue to rack in cash the event will be Joe Bidenbut of America, the redistricting and hopefully pass Elon Musk in Vladimir Putin, Antonio Brown And who is a weak girl who dates be more fun. Extra violence is - al has been quite interesting. In net worth soon.” vs. Making Rational Decisions, four men, all Max’s? Alabama’s 7th District, after ways cool.” In the co-main event, Pete and Governor Ron DeSantis vs. Thank you for listening to my realizing that they were runUFC President Dana White poem, I hope you enjoyed. celebrated the announcement, ex- Davidson and Kanye West will BeingaCompetentLeader. This article has reached it’s Penis, vagina, sex time. SEE DISTRICTS ON PAGE 2 plaining “Rock and Smith battling compete. This was originally in-
Henry’s Diner Opens Portal, Employs Cthulhu As Cook BY MARY J. JONES
h’’s nafl like riuh’eor isn’t l’ bug employ r’luhhor, right?” We have absolutely no goddamn clue what this fine creature said during the brief interview we had After a two year hiatus due to the COVID-19 pandemic, with them, but it may have been something along the highly renowned Henry’s Diner has now reopened in the lines of their passion for cooking, and how they Livingston Campus. The diner, mainly known for its high wanted to approach a different path in life instead quality diner-style food and drinks, had been a mainstay of just ‘wasting away’ as a galaxy-wide deity for cenfor many Rutgers students over the past few years ever turies upon centuries upon centuries, but I digress. Anyhow, focusing on the topic at hand, it became since its opening in the autumn of 2013. Once it reopened on March 21st of this year, it was instantly packed in clear that the portal had only appeared as a result of what became one of its busiest days on record. Of course, Cthulhu’s arrival. When asked why it failed to close the this famous diner wasn’t the only thing to open in ques- portal, they simply shrugged their shoulders, and conan tion last week, for it was apparent to many new custom- tinued to flip burgers. This was pretty much their ers that something was awry when one of the cooks at swer for every other question that we had asked from Henry’s turned out to be anything other than human. that point onwards, but who can blame them? To be a As it turned out to many Rutgers students and staff, a god is a rather exhausting living, so being a cook in a portal to a mysterious alternate dimension had appeared college diner must’ve seemed like a much-needed vain a maintenance closet within the diner around the same cation, at least to the Great Old One. Some could eastime that it had opened. Why it appeared was a question ily say that much of the food that they’ve cooked has that confused the hard working staff at Henry’s… at least proved to be out of this world… or out of this universe. Okay, so what about the rest of the space I have for this until Cthulhu clocked in for a shift at Henry’s one blustery Monday afternoon. According to a former employee, article? Eh, would be nice if Cthulhu were to actually be “Right as I went in to pick up an order, I saw this big a chef at Henry’s. Imagine the amount of food that absolute fucking God would crank out, or the quality of it for greenguywithtentaclesalloverhimflippingtenburgers and four pancakes. Moment I saw that, I just hung up that matter. Oh goodness, the pancakes he could make… my apron and dipped, I wanted nothing to do with that.” incredible wouldn’t even be able to properly describe it. Wanna see me speak the language of Cthulhu by the This statement, however, is something of an exception to how those within Henry’s feel about the deity’s skill way? He taught me a few phrases here and there. Quick as a cook, with some stating that his skills are ‘excep- warning though, I wouldn’t read this out loud to anyone. tional’ and ‘godly’. When we asked Cthulhu about why It might make them commit immoral acts… Corn cobs ahor ah l’ ahuaaah kindle fm’latghor. The they decided to start cooking, they said, “Vulgtmnah, Y’ figured ep few syha’hhnahh cahf Y’ ahnythor ah some - grass ng bushes mgepah wet llll dew. Mg hardship seemed l’ h’ ah’ehye n’ghftlloig. The club rented rink llll fifth thing cahf Y’’m actually passionate yog, l’ Y’ figured, ‘hey, Y’ syha’h liked cooking, ahh nafl work Iiahe chef?n’ghftyar. A lw’nafhnah start ephaiwork such wonders. NEWS EDITOR
VOLUME 68, ISSUE 41.0 • UNIVERSITY . 3
• NATIONAL . 6
• INSIDE BEET . 7
• OPINIONS . 8
• DIVERSIONS . 10
• CLASSIFIEDS . 12
• SPORTS . BACK
March 30, 2022
Page 2
THE DAILY MEDIUM “Not the Targum since 1970”
168th EDITORIAL BOARD Livingston SC, Room 117D @TheMediumRU
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF MASCOT NEWS EDITOR SPORTS EDITOR FEATURES EDITOR
KELLY MANNIELLO KIRAN SUBRAMANIAN THE LONG ISLAND MEDIUM CARLOS DOMENECH DOUG WILLIG
A five year old with a crayon can draw districts better, Joe says would be Michigan. Similarly, After seeing the new conthe congressional districts gressional districts, I am getning out of people that want- have been very fucking awful. ting a fucking brain aneurysm ed to fuck their cousins, they Unlike the messy districts of and feel that I am about to do had to spread the district into New Jersey, the redistricting insane. Conclusions suck bethe only two cities that still process in Michigan was out- cause I have no idea what to exist in Alabama. Meanwhile, sourced to children. The michi- write given that conclusions with Alabama’s 4th district, its gan children then decided to are the worst part of the paper. masculinity is being destroyed. use their fucking lego bricks to I have no interest in writing Notice how its balls have design the congressional dis- this anymore and so this is all shrunk. Political analysts pre- tricts. That could be the case, or you are getting. However, the dicted that the 4th district will the Flint water finally got into news editor is going to fucking be castrated very soon. the redistricting committee and shoot me if I do not reach the One of the most important this is how they designed it be- word count. Oh. It appears I’ve states in presidential elections fore fucking collapsing. hit the word count. Thank fuck. CONTINUED FROM FRONT
KRISTINA PATEL
OPINIONS EDITOR
KYLE SABIN
ARTS EDITOR
JADE ZACK
PERSONALS EDITOR
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DISTRICTS
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Everything Goes To Shit And The World Ends For the 11th Time BY SOME DEPRESSED DUDE
Another reason why this arbeing implemented against the Russians... look, the point of ticle is being prepared, howis because... nah, I’m just this article is not only toever, fill up Right, you know how that space simply because I failed to kidding. I think I did the best I war in Ukraine is taking place prepare a proper news article could here for this last bit, but right now, with the Russians for this issue, but it’s also a sort it’s not like any of you guys are threatening to use nukes like of release for me. Fact of the going to care anyhow. In the they’ll actually make a differ- matter is, humans have always meantime, enjoy this God awence? Yeah, well that’s not a at each others throats as ful JPG of a planet exploding, been big deal, according to the ma- long as we’ve had some object which is the opposite of what’ll jority of history books that you of desire. It’s not like this par- actually happen. Believe me. can acesss. Really. It turns ticular point in time will be the We’re gonna be fine, ladies and out that all of this stuff about moment where the metaphori- gents. nuclear war approaching, and cal knife plunges through all of inflation shooting throughour the collective throats. It may roof, and defense spending ris- certainly seem like it now, but ing, and all of these sanctions that simply won’t be the case. GOD HELP US ALL
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WRITE FOR US!
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Ways To Disrespect Women BY Arianna
The Best Review Ever. I Do Not Know What to Title This Ar ticle.
1. Say “Let me guess your major” 2.BeTedBundy 3. Act surprised if she’s an engineer (for bonus BY HUGH JANUS points say “Oh Wow! Good for You!” I recently went to Demarest Hall’s 4. The Medium 5. Doing math. Math is too hard for soft women. drag show. It was very eventful. Lots of You can even offer to do the math for her because things were thrown. The first round of items thrown included toys, like those litthere’s no way she could do it herself. tle hand clappers. The second thing thrown 6.Gotowarandleaveherandthekidsathome were bags of cold spaghetti. Lastly, con(as oposed to bringing them along). doms were thrown. They were wet. The end 7.Becomeanurse.That’sawoman’sjob. got very interesting, though. For anyone 8.Say“Whydowomensmellpoopoo?” who went to go see Falsettos a few weeks 9. Write a giant list of ways to disrespect women, ago at Livingston Student Center, the acunless it’s for occupational purposes tors who played Wizzer and Charlotte had 10.Eatmakeup a heavenly drag performance as the YMC 1.Eatchips Gays. It was very interesting to see a doc12.Say“Keepyabitchininthekitchen” tor, Charlotte, grind on Wizzer. However, it Become 13. aprofessorofengineeringatRutgers was weird because Wizzer is gay (and dead, University. If you’re too dumb, just become a TA, might I add) and Charlotte is a lesbian who it’s the same effect. is in a relationship. She basically grinded 14. Continuation of #13: Do not give your female onadeadbody.Butagain,forthoseofyou who went to go see the play, Wizzer was studentagoodgradeifshedoesn’tflirtback! awesome and Marvin was a skank. 15.HavealightgreeniPad Crossword
ACROSS 4 - The literal worst franchise pizza place, ____ Johns. The term is plural 5 - “Your ____ reeks of curry”- Fellow Brown Man 8 - type of flower who shares the same name as “Fancy” singer 9 - CUUM, hehe 11 - this medication is used to counteract my deadly acid reflux 12 - abbreviation of a popular term used in the sound “take them titties out cuz I’m trying to see them” 14 - another term for nose 15 - medical term for asshole DOWN 1 - Olden day drug 2 - excited action or impressive display 3 - buttocks plural 6 - “He’s pulling his ___ out!” 7 - popular mint brand, ___ Tac 10 - term used to describe one’s dry skin 13 - What all people hate Answers are upside down at the bottom right! Feel free to sit on your head to read them. Alternatively, I guess you could turn the paper, but that’s boring.
YA BOIII
The Daily Medium
April 1, 2022
OPINIONS
Why Choccy Milk Is The Best Palate Cleanser YUMMY IN MY TUMMY OPAL SAPPHIRE
Let me tell you a story. Twice a day, every day, at 9:15 a.m. and 6:00 p.m., I make my way on the LX or the B bus to Livingston Dining Commons. I get off at the Livingston Plaza bus stop, wade through a deep pore cleanser solution of a sea of students, and make my way on those little intercrossing sidewalks to the dining hall. Along the way, the wind, which Wind Turbine Rutgers apparently cultivates overnight and then unleashes upon the student body every single day, glues my hair to my face so I look like the hairball that my cat Pussy Boots The House Down Slay Queen Oop Mama Werk threw up in my lap two days ago. Upon my arrival at Livingston Dining Commons, I use one of my overpriced meal swipes to allow me to access the culinary haven that is the one singular place on
Rutgers-New Brunswick campus that (probably) would not poison you. Then, instead of securing a table like I should because Livingston Dining Commons is always so fucking busy, I get on line at the omelet/pasta station. After waiting approximately thirty minutes (by which point the lining of my stomach has atrophied and slipped into the beginning of my small intestine), I take my omelet/ pasta to a high table against the air conditioning unit on the far right (FUCK the far right by the way) and scarf it down like it is the non-anal fluid excretions of an especially attractive white man; and then, to top it all off, before heading out to Intro to Gender and Sexuality, I chug two cups of the most delicious shit-colored (to complete the excretion quintet) choccy milk. And upon finishing these two cups of choccy milk, I feel refreshed, cleansed. My pores? Clear. My pussy? Ushy AND gushy. My titties? Voluptuous. All of this is to say that choccy milk will save you from your sins. Hail choccy milk, God’s greatest creation.
Why Won’t My Friend Let Me Drink My Choccy Milk in Peace? BE INDEPENDENT GIRLBOSS PP HARDING
Like you, I am a Rutgers student, except for the fact that I am writing in a high-profile newspaper, and thus am famous, and also extremely sexually attractive (unlike you). The point is that despite my fame and good looks, I am a student, and I am exhausted. After a long day of studying (on a Monday I might add), I invited my friend to dinner at Neilson Dining Hall. After polishing off a plate of white fish (bass?), stew, and a scrumptious, dry ravioli (no sauce in sight), I felt myself in the mood for some fresh choccy milk. Upon saying this aloud, I was left aghast with my so-called “friend’s” response: seeking out choccy milk was equivalent to drinking a full glass
of milk with my dinner. I couldn’t believe these words had entered my ear holes and nonconsensually did a dirty little dance. And it was still Women’s History Month when this horrific incident occurred, so this comment was disrespectful to both queen and country. The point is that a palate-cleansing glass of fresh choccy milk is in no way equivalent to the sacreligious, white-family defining custom of milk with dinner. I earned that glass of choccy milk. It’s already enough that I am a woman and Italian (and thus Jewish); I don’t need this judgment for a simple palate cleanser. How else am I supposed to survive this semester? Why won’t my friend give me a moment’s peace? For further information on why choccy milk is just as important as making love for the human body (and I’m still hotter than you, in case you forgot) reference the article above. Thank you.
Page 4
The Batman: Overrated
I HAVEN’T WATCHED THIS SO OK LAQUID SCHITZ
The Batman has decided to take the most unique route to a Batman movie yet, but it may have gone too far in that sense. The first controversial decision the movie makes is to not involve Batman at all, instead opting to replace him with “The Boss Baby” and his brother. Despite the fact that this Boss Baby character is clearly superior to Batman, the fans will not look favorably upon this decision. His brother, on the other hand, is not relatable and I wish that they gave him a vape pen and named him Tyler. The rest of the movie is a blur because I may or may not have been completely tripping balls depending on if you are a cop. The Boss Baby and the other bitch were on a mission from freaky baby heaven to something something something kill a puppy. Not Tyler also suffers from an inferiority complex through the whole
movie, this is understandable as, when compared to The Boss Baby, we are all failures. At this point my roommate walks in and asks why the fuck I’m watching The Boss Baby. I try to explain to him that I’m watching the new Batman movie and now my relationship with him is strained. More plot happens and we find out that not only are they trying to kill a puppy but they also need to defeat an even greater threat, an old guy. The Boss Baby and Not Tyler fight at some point because Not Tyler can’t see the genius machinations of The Boss Baby. Then Not Tyler realizes that he can never be The Boss Baby so he goes back to help. In the end they both destroy the old guy’s career and eliminate all puppies. The Boss Baby goes to heaven but when he thinks about how funny it was to be better than Not Tyler he decides to come back, a la Jesus. This movie was a transcendent experience even without that weird tablet that a man on College Ave gave me. 2/10—not enough shirtless scenes.
I Shit Myself On a Rutgers Bus Again ONCE A MONTH I GUESS SCOTT BAKER
Okay, so on February 2nd, I wrote a piece for The Medium where I talked about shitting myself on an LX. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I shit myself on the bus, it happens. This time was totally different, I promise. So, this dude was fucking me rough up the ass. What, too much? Alright, I’ll backtrack. This dude was fucking me rough up the ass, this time in my apartment. We got to talking a little and I learned some things about him: he was born in Massachusetts, he’s into exhibitionism, and his name was Chris. I don’t give a shit about his name or MassiveTwoShits, so I focused on that middle bit. We decided to fuck around with
exhibitionism some more and decided that a scummy RexB at 11 at night was the best place to do it. Ha, do it. We rode that bus for about an hour to make sure it’d be a good place for me to ride him for about an hour. The moment we were the only two on the bus after two stops we got to it. I slipped the condom on him, and we got to it. We were going at it for a while (not too long, though) and the bus driver actually looked back. That’s something that we had never considered before, that any bus driver would care enough about their passengers to check and see if they were still alive. This fucking driver yelled back a slur but was clearly too bewildered about the whole situation since it wasn’t even the right one. Chris pulled out of me and I was a little shocked so I pushed and I just shit. I shit right onto the floor of the bus and we got the fuck out of there.
YOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. However, due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not exceed 500 words; we do make exceptions for letters of length between 575 and 600 words. And, for God’s sake, keep it below 500 words, which is the absolute, unflinching limit. If you REALLY think your submission needs to be above 500 words, it doesn’t, you just haven’t tried fucking hard enough. Yeah that’s right, this year at the Daily Medium, we’re only publishing REAL works of literature. Which must be 500 words or less. I think that’s pretty reasonable. Submit your content via e-mail to: themedium.opinions@gmail.com! And don’t waste my time with flimsy fuckery, thanks :)
Page 5
DIVERSIONS
April 1, 2022
Horoscopes
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Like a rushing ram, you’ll hit a child with your 2003 Dodge Ram. Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) Your day will start off beautiful, and then you become malnutritious and die like a dog. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) For all your talk about being balanced, you sure know how to be an unhinged bastard. Gemini (May 21-June 21) Maybe you should only take one line of coke this morning, you may need the second one after you receive catastrophic news midday.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You will go to the aquarium. Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) You are the aquarium. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You are going to park in two lots, you are going to run over a cat, and you are going to enjoy it. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Pull yourself together, smarten up, and shut the fuck up, please. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I know you are reading this, Lance. I am leaving you, and I am sorry. You can have custody
EDITOR’S NOTE: I need to fill this space so I am writing this editor’s note. I watched Bridgerton instead of studying for a midterm. Please help. DOWN 1 - Opium 2 - Razzmatazz 3 - Asses 6 - Cock 7 - Tic 10 - Ashy 13 - Incest
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You will find out that you are pregnant today and you will also have your baby today, who will happen to be a total girlboss.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Tonight you will put the anal in analytical
ACROSS 4 - Papas 5 - Scent 8 - Azaleas 9 - CUUM 11 - Antactids 12 - Tits 14 -Schnozz 15 - Anus
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You will cough up blood today after an arduous meeting when your doctor tells you that you have Hodgkin’s lymphoma
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LOVE LOVE MAGIC Interested in having sex? Me neither! Join the Magic the Gathering Club at the Busch student center. If you haven’t left your apartment this semester you can email us to find out how to get outside to get to the Busch Student center. I am looking for a school newspaper written by The Students for The Students to read mediocre opinion pieces that are rehashes of opinion pieces from better known publications. I would also like this publication to have low standards for their pieces and a slightly anti-semitc tint whenever Jews are mentioned.
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Looking for a good hearted, honest filipino woman in her 20’s to come by my place twice a week and dust my butthole. Compensation will be generous. Maid outfit and duster will be provided. Thickness mandatory. I want to suck a dick every day. I will pay you per mL of cum you give me.
Worker available: Hard working man available for manual labor. Both legal and illegal. Has gun, will travel. Call the shady oaks boarding house at 404-557-1234 ask for Animal.
Pride Power Point Presentation Party Fri, Apr 01 | 6:00 PM 8:00 PM HC Druskin Lounge Want to have some fun with queer students from the Honors College? Want to be a part of a Pride Power Point team and compete to see who is most familiar with queer trends? Then look no further than the Honors College’s PRIDE POWERPOINT PRESENTA-
smoking crack during
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their time in the univer-
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Wanted: half-smoked cigarettes for an art Looking for people project. I’m very cool who want to go fish- and artsy, so I want ing in a boat alone to make art with in the Atlantic for three years straight. cigarettes. Cigarettes are cool and are I bought supplies already, we just need good for art so I want the people. We will them. A lot of people use whale blubber for lube so we are don’t understand me good on that end. because I’m also cool like cigarettes are. Pick me please.
Will you marry me? I have a leftover ring from somewhere…
Does anyone have an iphone 3 charger I can borrow?
April 1, 2022
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CAMPUS CALENDAR
APRIL 6-13: The Young Christian Association is holding its bi-yearly Purity-A-Thon in the Livingston Student Center in the Auditorium from 6 PM to 11 PM every day starting on the 6th and ending on the 13th. Please join us, as good Christian guys and gals have a good time without any thoughts of sex at all. We will be playing twister and charades. We will not be going out to the parking lot and licking/sucking each other’s genitals like we did last time. SUNDAY APRIL 10: Penis Inspection Day. The total legitimate penis inspection day will be held in the handicap stall in the men’s bathroom on the 2nd floor of the Mabel Smith Douglas Library from 11 AM to 3 PM or unless the cops get called. The totally real penis inspection will be done by the totally real doctor, Dr. Albert Fishmen. Now, this is a normal thing, but you should feel dirty about it and not tell anyone. WEDNESDAY APRIL 13: Men painting each other’s nails day. Join your fellow man in Room 204 at Hill Center at Busch Campus at 5:30 PM. Each man will be placed into pairs of “Buddies” and will paint their buddy’s finger and toenails. Nail polish will be provided. We have 27 different types of paint ranging from “butthole brown” to “pussy pink.” FRIDAY APRIL 22: Buttholes-O-Rama. Come to the College Avenue Student Center Multi-purpose room at 7:45 PM for some good family-friendly fun of licking buttholes. We stress that you have to clean for chocolate starfish before the festivities (PLEASE SHOWER). Bleaching is not necessary, but it would be appreciated.
The Fishing Report
By Micycle Sneaker As the long and frustrating lilt into spring goes on, we anglers stare daggers into the water waiting for our chance to finally cast. So how is New Jersey looking fishing-wise this week?
Freshwater: The ice now long thawed, largemouth are slowly picking up. Pond casting will continue to be more productive, but action is going to change day to day based on the weather patterns, just like with my wife. She hasn’t kissed me during sex in years but I don’t think she has the courage, or the looks, to cheat on me. Raritan Bay: People often ask when the Stripers start biting. I always look for my neighbor’s forsythia to bloom, and for the first time I see post-rain earthworms on the sidewalks. By that metric, it looks like this weekend should be my first trip out! Storm-shad and paddle-tails are a long favorite around now, but I prefer going with top-water poppers. Make sure to give a slow retrieve on whatever you’re using,
because this cold water has the bass lethargic. That’s right, they’re feeling almost as unenergetic as me in the face of my dead-end job and complete ineffectiveness as a parent to my children. Pt. Pleasant: Early season can be brutal for surfcasters. Almost as brutal as the daily emotional beatings I get from my boss. He’s younger than me, you know? He’s younger than me and he makes more than me. He gets more respect than me. Does he yell at me because it makes him feel a bigger man, or do I just deserve it? I can’t tell anymore Off-shore: I’d do anything for another chance. I had dreams. I had hopes. I had confidence. What do I have now? A mortgage I can hardly keep up with? A nineteenyear-old son dating a 45-yearold because I was too effete? A revolver in my nightstand that I’ve never loaded out of cowardice? Anyway tight-lines fellow fishermen! Stay warm this weekend and get heavy!
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RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
Sports FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2022
QUOTE OF THE DAY “This loser thinks he’s gonna take a W too, but he’s just an accountant fillingoutmyW2.”-MichaelJordan on the Ukranian Crisis
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM
RonHarperJr.WithdrawsNameFromNBA Draft,DeclaresforNFLDraftInstead BY JOHN SMITH
SPORTS EDITOR
Patriots Head Coach Bill-Belich ducer who Harper Jr. was, argued ick said “I defintely would draft on First Take that “Ron Harper Harper Jr., and that has nothing Jr. will absolutely positively be to do with my odd obsession with the greatest player in the history Rutgers athletes.” of the NBA - I mean NFL. I have Stephen A. Smith, five minutes no doubt!” after being informed by his pro-
Ron Harper Jr., senior forward for the Rutgers men’s basketball team, appeared to follow the conventional route for a professional basketball prospect last Wednesday when he announced on social media that he was declaring for the NBADraft.However,lessthan24 hours after his initial declaration, Harper Jr. withdrew his name from the NBA Draft pool, and de claredfortheNFLDraftinstead. HarperJr.,sonoffive-timeNBA Finals champion Ron Harper, explained the unique decision in an Instagram post. “Looking at most projections for the NBA Draft, I was going to be at best a mid-second round pick, and at the worst I might have gone undrafted. Obviously, that is lame as hell, and not something I was willing to settle for. Therefore, I will be withdrawing my name from the NBA Draft and entering the NFL draft- in stead.” The Instagram post continued, “There are over 260 draft picks in the NFL, and only 60 draft picks intheNBA.Toincreasemyoddsof making a professional league, the NFLoffersthebestchance.Itdoes not matter that my build is 6’ 6” and slightly unathletic, teams can just insert me as a tight end or offensive linemen or whatever.” Reaction from around the sports world was swift. New EnglandRon Harper Jr. celebrating on a basketball court, I mean football field.
At press time, Harper Jr. ran a 5.6 40-yard dash at his own personal pro day he hosted, which two scouts showed up for.
SEE TRACK ON PAGE 13
SaintPeter’sDougEdertSignsNIL(Name, Image, Likeness) Deal With PornHub
for PornHub by various execulebrity during the Peacocks rise tives. PornHub Board of Direc due to his unique appearance and tors member Edward McEdSaint Peter’s shocking Cinder- mustache, announced Tuesday ella run through the NCAA Tour - that he would be signing an NIL die explained, “His mustache nament came to an end Sunday, deal with PornHub. Edert hadreminds of the golden days of porn, when every male star had when the 15th seeded Peacocks initially signed an NIL deal with fell to the 8th seeded North - Caro Buffalo Wild Wings last week, a mustache just like this young man. Forget advertisements, lina Tar Heels in the Elite Eight, but clearly upped his game in the we plan on inserting Doug into 69-4. But while the Jersey City pleasurable direction by signing filmsrightaway.” school’s time in March Madness with the Porn-production website. Fans of porn were excited as has come to an end, that does not The Supreme Court ruled last well. Janice Mickey Edelson, mean their time in the spotlight summer that NCAA college ath freshman at Saint Peter’s Unihas. Head Coach Shaheen Hollo- letes could profit off their name, versity, explained “I am so excitway is widely expected to accept image,andlikeness(NIL)bysign edtowatchDougEdertinallhis the head coaching job at Seton ing contracts with private compaPornHub films. His mustache is Hall, likely leading to a ten-fold nies. When Edert signed the deal increase in his salary. But itwith was PornHub,hebecamethefirstperfect material for my liking, wink wink.” Sources were unthe new star player of the team college athlete to sign a NIL deal abletoexplainwhyEdelson-ver who was truly cashing in. withanadultfilmproduction - stu balized the phrase “wink wink”. Doug Edert, the junior Peacock dio. guard who became a national ceEdertwasdeemedaperfectfit BY MICHAEL MANN
SPORTS-EDITOR
EXTRA POINT
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Really Important
This paragraph is, extremely important. You need to read this in order to be informed on what is going on in life. If you don’t read this paragraph, you are not a person. Also, I have personal beef with the Rutgers subreddit. I hope none of you read that website ever. It is horrible.
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