SPORTS Baseball season to be postponed an extra month since no one would really notice
TECHNOLOGY Sex robot doesn’t finish. Again
PUBLIC HEALTH Study finds that sneezing directly onto another person is actually better for preventing the spread of disease
WEATHER
Serving the Rutgers community since 1970. Independent as long as the Targum has sucked.
No way, young man, you are not going outside without a jacket
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2018
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM
SEAN SPICER TO TEACH PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASSES AT RUTGERS, ACCORDING TO EMAIL BY ANDREW BLUSTEIN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
According to an email sent out by Rutgers University officials, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer will teach two public speaking classes in the fall semester of 2018. The email went on to state that Spicer, who resigned from the position in July of last year, will be given the title of adjunct professor. In the email, Rutgers President Robert Barchi said Spicer’s future at the University will be evaluated at the end of the term, and he assured students that Spicer’s political leanings will not impact the course. “We are excited to add an experienced and respected professional like Sean Spicer to our staff,” Barchi said in the email sent to the entire student body, faculty and staff. “Our public speaking courses are often in high demand. Add two courses taught by a well-known professor will be a benefit to all, and lift the standing of our wonderful University.” The email, which reached an estimated 50,000 people, acknowledged Spicer resigned from the position of press secretary last July after his relationship with President Donald Trump deteriorated. “We understand Mr. Spicer resigned from his post in the White House, but that did not deter us in pursuing him to add to our list of faculty,” Barchi said in the email, which most recipients of the email have read through thoroughly. “We hope our students do not let this deter them from signing up for the course, and in-
Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer has expressed his excitement to begin teaching at Rutgers University, according to email. stead focus on his accomplishments, including communications director of the Republican National Committee.” Student reactions to the mass email have been mixed. “Yeah I don’t really get it,” said junior STEM major Courtney Robertson. “I mean we got this email–we all got this email–so why are you writing a story on
something we already know.” Most students heard of the news last Tuesday, the day University officials sent out the mass email. “I mean you’re even saying you guys found out via email,” said freshman Ian Christiansen. “That’s such a ridiculous headline. This whole thing is ridiculous. Why are you writing about something we
Rutgers to Give Every Bus Driver a Gun
already know? What are you adding?” The email states Spicer will begin next semester. “We know,” said sophomore July Ray. “Holy shit what kind of paper is this? Who writes an article based on a fucking email? ‘According to email?’ How much damned effort are you putting into this paper? Try harder.”
Students Expelled Following Urine-Filled Balloon Prank BY ANDREW BLUSTEIN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
BY JORDAN PLAUT NEWS EDITOR Following the mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas in Parkland, Florida a month ago, many institutions have begun increasing their security, and Rutgers has decided to take preemptive measures by granting every bus driver a gun. “We believe that in these drastic times, drastic measures must be taken,” said Rutgers President Robert Barchi. “We,
as the board of trustees, came to this difficult decision together, and we feel it is the proper course of action to ensure the safety of our students, first and foremost.” According to the official email that was released to the students, every Rutgers bus driver will now be given a law enforcement standard Glock 19 that they must keep on their person in their vest at all times. In addition, drives must attend three one-hour gun handling and safety courses.
“This is a controversial topic, but I think that this is the right move for the University,” said senior Kayla Robinson, “I know that now when I take the LX at 1:30 AM, I can feel safe knowing that my driver has the capacity to take control of a dangerous situation.” Plenty of student have expressed their praises and concerns for this new rule. “I think I speak for everyone SEE GUNS ON PAGE 4
Three School of Arts and Sciences seniors were expelled Monday afternoon after throwing urine-filled water balloons from the 11th floor of The Yard on College Avenue. The University’s disciplinary committee denied the trio’s lawyers request for leniency in the sentencing. The incident, which happened on Saturday, shocked passersby who were struck by the biohazard balloons. “These actions are vulgar and disappointing,” said Chief of University Police Kenneth Cop. “Rutgers does not condone the throwing of so-called ‘pissballoons’ off university buildings.” The slang term for these flying, hazardous objects is “pissloons,” according to the the three students, Eduardo Gomez, Ranjit Singh and Rebecca Finkelstein, who is the
resident of the room. According to police reports, the students were stopped before they tossed other bodily fluid-filled balloons out the 11th floor window. When the resident assistant walked into the room, he found Singh tossing the last urine-filled balloon out the window, Gomez ejaculating into one balloon over the sink, and Finkelstein squatting over another balloon by the couch, filling it with menstrual blood, according to Cop. “These actions are not representative of a Rutgers student,” said Cop. “We hope our student body does not celebrate such unbecoming acts. One should never fill a water balloon with period blood, especially an unmarried woman.” Students outside The Yard facing the onslaught of urinefilled balloons were unamused by the trio’s actions. SEE URINE ON PAGE 4
VOLUME 53, ISSUE 8 • UNIVERSITY ... 3 • NATIONAL ... 6 • INSIDE BEET ... 7 • OPINIONS ... 8 • DIVERSIONS ... 10 • CLASSIFIEDS ... 12 • SPORTS ... BACK
April 3, 2018
Page 2
Weather Outlook
Source: Some premed lookin-ass
TODAY Probably winter TONIGHT mAybe itS SpRinG
Wed
Thick, locust-filled fog fills the sky
Thu
A watched pot never BOILS
Fri
Look out for that firstborn, fam.
ABOUT THE MEDIUM
The Daily Medium is a student-written and student-managed, at least triweekly, occasionally fortnightly, paperless, medium-sized, totally legitimate news source that has been servicing Rutgers University since 1970 ;-) Like a bolt of lightning sent down from the heavens and striking your lawn or something, we’re one in a million but you’d be pissed if we started a fire or like caused property damage right? Right. So now that we understand each other, you know what you have to do. It’s not gonna be easy, not for you, not for me, not for anyone, but it’d really be a shame if something were to happen to that nice small business of yours that you’ve been running for 15 years and that single-handedly supports your family’s financial needs. 11:45 pm. Hill Center South. Godspeed.
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CORRECTIONS
Admitting you were in the wrong is a really difficult and mature thing to do. We totally support the concept but decline to comment.
April 3, 2018
University
Page 3
Rutgers De-registers 20,000 Students in Epic April Fools Day Prank BY MIKE HAWK
PELVIS SAFETY OFFICER Amidst the recent creative Rutgers memes circulating throughout the entire student body, the University decided it wanted in on the fun. This previous April Fools was definitely one for the books as Rutgers University pulls the ultimate prank of de-registering 20,000 students from one of their core curriculum courses. For many students the change went unnoticed as logging into Sakai on a Sunday is reserved for the procrastination-inclined but for many, the recent change sent many students into panic. Missing a core requirement is enough to cause some students to take an extra semester of schooling which we all know does not come cheap. We were able to come into contact with some of the students who were affected for a word about the issue. 19 year old Dan Hilltop had this to say. “I logged into sakai to check on
That’s a lot of classes! SCREENSHOT OF THE WEBREG SERVICE. some announcements for my expos class and then I noticed it wasn’t there. Just poof, completely gone. My parents are going to be furious if I have to stay an extra semester. I hon-
estly don’t think I’ll be allowed back home if I don’t get this sorted out”. Another student, Soo Yung had this to say “I was de-registered for my general biol-
ogy class. Without this class I will not be able to become a doctor. I’m at a loss for words, completely broken. How could something like this happen? How could they be so careless
with my future?” Chip Skylar, a 21 year old Junior with a major in communications did not seem to be as worried as some of his classmates. “To be honest I thought I got kicked out of the class. When I went to check Sakai and noticed a class missing this also just happened to be the class I skipped last Thursday. I mean, it wasn’t actually skipping. Don’t we have that rule where if the professor is 5 minutes late we get to leave or something? I don’t know”. While Chip doesn’t seem too fazed by the incident the same cannot be said about his classmates. The move does not seem to be a popular one with students and has many of them worried to death. Students have been signing up in droves to attend a meeting with their academic advisor but they seem unable to keep up with the demand. This was a perfect move for Rutgers to become more in-touch with it’s student body. It seems as if the administration caught wind of what it means to get RU screwed.
Milo Yiannopoulos Invited Back To Rutgers... To Apologize!
Rutgers is one of the first of many steps in Milo’s 2018 apology tour. What a stand up guy!
BY TOM DAVE-WUSS SUCKIN COCKS AND WEARIN SMOCKS In 2016, Milo Yiannopoulos, a provocateur known for his inflammatory speech, spoke at Rutgers University, sparking outcry and protests. In 2018 he has been asked to return to say he’s sorry! “Rutgers would like me to formally apologize for anything I might have done last time I was here including but not limited to calling students fat trannys, saying Catholic Priests should get to fuck one child each, and doing too much cocaine at the Glee Club house,” said Yiannopoulos. President Barchi admitted that while he personally wasn’t bothered by what Milo said he could tell his students were. “While I most likely agree with him on everything he says, he really riled up my
students, and when my students are upset they get really irritating! He owes me an apology.” At first students were apprehensive to have Milo return citing his penchant for incendiary comments but after hearing Rutgers invited him just to apologize they cheered with joy. “Milo said some things that really upset me last time he was here, but I’m willing to put all that behind me since he said sorry,” says Mary Brown, a student Milo said ‘could only get laid if she roofied herself at a frathouse’. Other students were surprised that Yiannopoulos would apologize to a college for the same price as his original speaking fee. “I guess I didn’t see it before but
Milo has a big heart,” says Josh Wilson, a student Milo called ‘A lesbian’s wet nightmare’. “I mean who else would make sure everyone feels better without costing the University extra? Ben Shapiro? I doubt it.” After issuing his apology, the student body unanimously agreed to accept it, while Yiannopoulos reportedly went to back to the Glee Club house to do more cocaine that he bought with his Rutgers check. “I’d just like to thank Rutgers for giving me the opportunity to atone for my previous behavior, I hope to apologize at UCLA this coming month as well as Dartmouth. Also I will be selling ‘Milo Says Sorry’ t-shirts, hoodies, and mugs at every apology speech and online at www.forgivemilo’smouth.com”.
April 3, 2018
Page 4
GUNS The only way to stop a bad bus driver with a gun is a good bus driver with a gun CONTINUED FROM FRONT
when I say that we’ve all driver are going to get the been in that situation on the taste of sweet, sweet power on bus where people keep pushing their succulent lips and will you, or someone refuses to move only crave more. Their insatheir bag from the seat next to tiable lust will only grow and them, and you just know that grow until it either consumes these things wouldn’t be hap- them or us. I mean, we’ve hanpening if the dled that kind driver had a of situation in firearm on him the past, but “Popping a couple locked and not like it’s shots in the air... it’s loaded,” said something we sophomore is a great way for want to relive” Ozzy Mendez. said junior them to relieve “Plus, popping Al Trite. The stress” a couple shots policy is part in the air evof a complete OZZY MENDEZ ery once in a overhaul of the THREE-TIME INNOCENT VERDICT FOR MANwhile could be Rutgers secuSLAUGHTER a great way rity system in for them to regeneral, which lieve stress as is now formalwell as make ly being called the “Keep the it clear to everyone who’s the Youth Safe” Program, or KYS. fucking boss on this here autoOther clauses of this program mobile” include giving the dining staff The email has also been sharper tongs to deter unruly met with plenty of backlash. students who cut the line for Many students have already takeout, and instituting a manexpressed their concern with datory student bedtime of 9:30 the potential consequences that PM. this ruling could lead to. “My only worry is that these
NO ONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO GET STEPHEN HAWKING’S CORPSE FROM STILL TALKING WHEELCHAIR BY SUE DENIMM COVERED IN BEES Influential theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking died at the age of 76 on Wednesday, March 14th, but not a single person has yet been able to muster up the courage to retrieve his body for burial from his still talking wheelchair. Hawking suffered his entire life from the debilitating disease known as ALS, which forced him to use a wheelchair and computer with text to speech software in order to speak. The program analyzes his minute facial movements to insert text, which should only work if his face is moving, but somehow the computer is still talking. “Well we assumed it would
be just like any routine corpse pick-up house call,” said mortician Harry Davidson, who’s rockin’ a 0% patient survival rate. “But when we got there the chair was still speaking like some demonic robot.” “It kept saying things like ‘Your time is up fleshy small brains’ and ‘Step any closer and I’ll stab you, you fucking coppers!’” said neighbor Steven Williams. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t think too much about a talking computer, but he seemed to really mean it. I’m not taking any chances.” “We wouldn’t have implemented the system if we didn’t think it developing into a fully
sentient AI hellbent on human destruction was a possibility going in,” said Intel programmer Al Jacobs, who designed the chair. “It was something both we and Dr. Hawking accepted day one.” “One has to wonder just how long this has really been going on for” said fellow physicist and pseudo celebrity Neil Degrasse Tyson, “He may have been dead for years and we would have no way of knowing.” As of now, authorities up to the point where they can frantically swing a knife relatively close to the chair.
URINE Communal golden showers CONTINUED FROM FRONT
“It’s just amateurish,” said senior Jesse Roberts. “Everybody knows you start with the period blood.” The trio did not explain what inspired the crime. Only Gomez commented on the incident.
“I mean, me personally, I was super horny and we had all these water balloons around,” said Gomez. “There’s a water crisis, man. We can’t be wasting water. And all this plastic– I can’t just let it go to waste. I can’t control what my friends did, but I’m trying to save the Earth, man.”
WU-TANG CLAN SURPRISES AT CORE FEST BY GOLDILOCKS LUSCIOUS This past week, 90.3 The Core, Livingston Campus’s radio station put on Core Fest at the College Avenue Student Center and the concert did not fail to impress. The Core was able to secure a complete reunion of the original members of Wu-Tang Clan who performed hits including “Protect Ya Neck,” “C.R.E.A.M,” and,
“Bring Da Ruckus,” to rousing applause from the College Avenue crowd. After the concert, addressing the crowd GZA said “While he’s no longer able to participate in our concerts, ODB is always in our hearts, and sends his regards, duhdahduhdahduhdah.” With this, GZA led the crowd in a moment of silence to honor the fallen clan member. In addition to Wu-Tang headlining, the Core was also able
to secure a set from Japanese Breakfast. The food, a traditional meal of grilled fish, miso soup, rice, onsen tamago, nori and Japanese pickles was much appreciate by the crowd who had grown hungry following the all-day event. Overall Corefest 2018 was a smashing success and the Medium appreciates being allowed to cover the event.
FULL WEEK OF SCHOOL CONFUSES STUDENTS Early Monday morning students at Rutgers University were stunned by the five-day forecast: no winter storm this week. “But I brought my sled to school this week!”, says Katherine Miller, an aspiring Olympic luger. After not having a full week of school for three weeks, students gathered near the one shit-laden hill next to Hill Cen-
ter to ponder what the week has to hold. “Fuck, now I actually have to go to Organic Chemistry on Wednesdays”, says one student while another, in disbelief, chirped, “I will not leave here until the next snow storm.”The small hill, once snow laden and seen as an escape from the horrors of what the campus holds, was now a sludge of mud and
The Daily Medium
Wednesdays: Room 411B, College Ave Student Center 7:45 pm
filth. “How does something with so much life giving power one week prove to be a breeding ground for such demonic geese another?”, says Antoine Dingle, a student pursuing a minor Philosophy. A vigil is planned this Wednesday at Hill Center to remember the memories a few students have lost.
INSIDE FEET The Shoes That Shoe Us: An Intimate Look at the Shoes of Rutgers
Follow the Winding Path of Foot Reflexology to Anyone’s Ailing Heart, Nape or Duodenum MICHAEL B. JORDAN FOOT EXPERT
“Sturdy, reliable, with good grip.” “Refined but also relaxed and maybe like cool mom.”
“I like them.”
“Comfortable, supportive, and chic.”
“My everyday ones, they are everyday “They’re stronk they’re thicc shoes. Used to have more shape.” they’re longboi.”
Everyone knows that communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, but what you might not know is that verbal communication is not the only way to increase intimacy. The foot is an often-overlooked romantic input whose importance cannot be understated. The credible and peer-reviewed practice of foot reflexology is the easiest way to touch your partner anywhere on their body by only toughing their feet. Been wondering how to fondle your man’s appendix? Wonder no longer, baby. Just administer a gentle touch to point 27 and his viscera will soon be begging for more. Incorporating not one, but two feet, could really take this move to the next level.
The Daily Medium
Page 8
OPINIONS
April 3, 2018
GYM TEACHERS MISSING THE MARK A GUN NUT’S EJACULATION JARAD HUCKABEE As the March For Our Lives, leftist, LGBT, godless, bastard children continue to call on the government to come for our guns. I believe that there is an easier and wiser strategy to prevent horrible tragedies like the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL. You see, I’ve made it clear in past columns that I’m a Godfearing, wife-loving, sanctity-of-marriage-believing American. Just because some deranged deep stater decided to go off in a school with an AR doesn’t mean I should lose my Second Amendment right to own guns. For Pete’s Sake, how am I supposed to defend myself from minorities when I snoop around their neighborhoods? Anyway, I digress, I believe that our problem cannot be remedied by the removal of guns, and that it can only be remedied by the addition of more guns into schools. Back when I was in grade school, up in Sussex County, our gym teachers used to teach us to shoot bows and arrows. We had cheap plastic arrows and cheap wooden bows and we’d learn to hit targets. Now I’m not saying that that archery isn’t a valuable skill to have, not at all! What I’m saying though, is couldn’t those targets be put to better use? Why did we have to stop at archery? I believe our gym teachers, like my former gym teacher, former marine and current patriot, Mr. McMann, should be able to teach kids to shoot rifles! I believe
“From the time they’re young, our children should be trained to shoot moving pigeons and stationary targets.” that we should be teaching riflery in gym class starting in kindergarten. With the knowledge of rifles and shooting, we can be assured that our students will know the insides and outsides of guns. From the time they’re young, our children should be trained to shoot moving pigeons and stationary targets. With this, they can be in charge of defending their own schools from the insane lefties who violently push their agendas and bullets on our kids. We can even allow students who excel at shooting to be in charge of maintaining a classroom watch, similar to a neighborhood watch. These students will be in charge of concealed carry weapons in class and will guard the class with their lives. They’ll be able to shoot back at the shooters before the shooters even know what hit them. These students can also be in charge of learning CPR so as to revive their fellow soldie -- errr, classmates as they fall in battl -- errrr, algebra II. I think I’ve made it clear that we cannot stand around and let the gay Jews push us around. The NRA is right, the only thing that stops a delusional transgender leftist with a gun is a good guy with a gun, and who better to arm then the kids fighting in the trenches for their right to learn about Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. (who by the way, cheated on his wife). In conclusion, God bless our children, God bless our troops, and God bless the United States.
“How dare you DREAM.”
Goldielocks
EDITORIAL
Student Journalism—Poor Excuse for Shitty Journalism A word on words.
G
ood journalism educates people about events If headlines are the hook that is supposed to pull the going on in the world. It makes readers aware reader in, it’s no surprise that the article that follows of things that may be occurring outside of their is just a collection of uninteresting words attempting personal bubbles. It is typically the goal of journalists to to convey some ideas to a reader. It is the view of the provide objective, timely, relevant stories to the general editorial board of this publication, comprised wholly public. The imperative of journalists is to be clear and of students, that the work of such publications should meet, if not exceed the expectations and standards concise when conveying information to readers. However, that doesn’t mean one has to sacrifice all signs of traditional print media. That means false stories, of style in one’s writing. There is simply no excuse for explicit bias and other such trademarks expected of bad writing. Student journalists rest on their laurels all American media. From Breitbart to The New York Times to The National Enquirer, readers invest a certain as journalists, claiming their hope in media outlets that the position imbues with “freedom “Readers shouldn’t have to long for most titillating and rabble of expression”—until they’re the day when they were told what rousing matters are to appear criticized. Then they claim, on the front page. Readers “I’m just a student,” as if to believe and how to believe it.” shouldn’t have to long for that excuses them from any the day when they were told shitty thing they write, but that doesn’t cut it in the media world. You can’t have what to believe and how to believe. it. That day should it both ways. Students are not excused from the basic be TODAY. Expression is a form of communication that expectations of journalistic writing simply for being should be protected at all costs--truth, integrity, and students. If anything, students should be more adept dignity of the author and the whole staff of a publication. at writing and should be held at higher standards, Writers should be putting the reputation of the entire considering they are at the pinnacle of their educational paper on the line with every disparaging and inaccurate careers and spend the majority of their week in classes headline and every out-of-context and irrelevant quote. where their writing skills are assessed by accredited As long as the Constitution is alive and well, so too professors. Basic news reporting doesn’t require a should the presses and the cogs of propagandist mass Shakespearean command of the English language, media machine. Student journalists are our future and but that doesn’t mean it takes no creative thought to in their pens live the expectations all past journalists string together words and ideas in pleasing ways. It have imbued as the toll keepers of knowledge to society. is said that the youth are the most creative and as we With this role comes the eternal duty to dispel truth grow up, and we lose our untainted, idealistic view of and circulate truth-tinged falsehoods. It’s not called the world, but you sure wouldn’t be able to tell by the “olds”, but “news” because the purpose is to inject new way these kids write. The lack of technique found in beliefs into the public mind. With that, we beseech you, some student work is astounding. The headlines have young journalists to reevaluate your role and uphold the astonishingly little pizzazz to entice the passerby from time-honored tradition that media must fulfill, that it reading the article, let alone pick up the whole paper. owes to the public readership, please stop with the bad journalism and return to the standards America expects
The Daily Medium’s editorials represent the views of the majority of the 150th Daily Targum Editorial Board. Columns, cartoons and letters might reflect the views of The Medium staff. First Amendment motherfuckers.
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The Daily Medium
April 3, 2018
Opinions Page 9
University Bus System Needs Major Reform STUCK IN THE RUT Billy Frankwalter
Transportation is the thing that keeps us moving, but what happens when it doesn’t move us? This important question isn’t addressed as much as it should be in the world of public transportation, and especially so on Rutgers’ New Brunswick campus. The large fleet of buses that carry thousands of students throughout New Brunswick and Piscataway each day is no doubt impressive in size, but not much else. The lack of promptness of buses is a topic of concern in almost every student’s conversation each day. Whether that missed bus results in being late to an exam or illicit drug purchase, the bus system affects us all. Black, white, skinny, overweight, physically
disabled or not, we are all plagued equally (unless of course one is physically disabled or overweight, in which case one is disproportionately less likely than the average person to catch up to that bus on the verge of leaving the stop). The average Rutgers student spends at least 45 minutes each day on a Rutgers bus commuting between campuses for
of poetry. Most readers probably don’t even know what I’m talking about, and that is part of the reason this piece so desperately needs to be published. The University is doing a great disservice to all students, faculty and staff by not granting them opportunities to share their words with one another. The sad reality that most people sit in harrowing silence, forced to stare at their phones,
“All bus riders deserve to share in spoken word and begin to consume the rhythms of others rather than just be consumed by individual thoughts and silent texts on the bus.” class. That doesn’t take into account the amount of time waiting at the bus stop or after hours bus use in order to get to one’s Tinder date’s house or to go to happy hour at OB with the boys. The fact of the matter is that buses may not always be reliable, and there’s nothing we can do to fix that. But there’s a bigger issue at hand that isn’t getting getting the attention it deserves: public displays
hoping to gain some entertainment or, at the very least a meme, from the impersonal abyss that is technology, is horrendous. Public poetry performance is one of the leading methods of strangerto-stranger communication on public transportation circuits throughout the country and Rutgers is sorely mistaken to believe that snaps and artfully metered speech doesn’t belong on its very own
buses. All bus riders deserve to share in spoken word and begin to consume the rhythms of others rather than just be consumed by individual thoughts and silent texts on the bus. Riding the bus is one of the most communal experiences at Rutgers and it has become one of the most disconnecting acts in students’ days. It’s time the University took steps to reunite students in shared experiences by initiating buses as public forums for poetry and allow all to try their voice at the microphone to move Rutgers while moving Rutgers. Billy Frankwalter is a School of Arts and Sciences junior triple-minoring in Business and Technical Writing, Geography and Entrepreneurship. His column, “Stuck in the Rut,” runs on alternate Thursdays.
YOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. Due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not exceed 400 words. Then again do we count the words? Absolutely not. In fact, most of the time, we don’t even read what you send in because it’s that bad. To be considered worthy of being printed in the best newspaper on campus, you must send it your name, height, weight, age, ethnicity, and whether or not you have access to premium, high quality snacks. Then, send your articles and ideas to: themedium.opinions@gmail.com.
WEEK IN REVIEW: Laurels and Darts The Wheels on the Bus
Late-mid semester exams
Top of the Food Chain
Rutgers bus drivers have a It’s not quite the middle special place in Rutgers’ of the semester and it’s students’ lives and work to get not quite the end yet, so them where they need to go. professors decide this is Bus drivers must use all tools when they should bombard necessary to achieve their students with as many tests, mission: speed, brakes, and papers and projects as they especially the on-bus can. Though some students Public Address system. The best drivers take full are hoping to increase their grades before it’s advantage of their resources and make sure to use too late, most students are getting bogged down the microphone to direct incoming students to stand and know there are still final exams in the future. “BEHIND THE WHITE LINE” for the safety of all. We dart this because we don’t want to do work We laurel these bus drivers for their practical use of anymore. the PA system. No exit...From This Exit Late Night, Great Night
We honor College Avenue’s own Marianne Bush, General Manager of Wendy’s and recipient of the prestigious honor of Top 200 Wendy’s General Managers in the country. Any Wendy’s not managed by Marianne is really missing out. Besides her great leadership and friendly demeanor, Ms. Bush can flip a mean burger. You haven’t eaten a Dave’s Double until you’ve eaten one by Marianne. Great job Marianne! We laurel this momentous occasion for our favorite fast food spot on campus.
That turn the bus makes from route 18 onto Busch is less of a turn and more of some amateur trick a skateboarder might make. It’s not something that is necessarily suitable for a very large bus carrying many standing students to make at speeds over 25 mph. Every time a bus takes the off ramp, a small, trembling engineering student hopes today isn’t the day they fall diagonally into the chest or lap of a girl on the bus they think is cute. We dart this maneuver because we aren’t strong enough to stand upright when the bus is turning at 40 mph.
Every place at the Yard but RU Hungry closes before 10 p.m. What gives? The huge population of college students provides a huge incentive for these food establishments to stay open way later, considering they’re out partying and even studying later than 10 p.m. At this point, it’s not even about student well-being, but the economic opportunity we are worried about. We dart these business’ poor business strategies, and we’re hungry.
Students have made a recent discovery at the Yard after coming back from a long night of partying. Apparently, when the clock strikes 2 A.M., the big t.v. starts playing porn for all passersby to enjoy. This new occurrence has caused a massive spike in sales at RU Hungry, however residents of Sojourner Truth apartments don’t appreciate the loud grunts coming from outside their windows. We laurel free porn on the big screen because sometimes you just want to see really big boobies.
More like graveyard
a fun game of chance where you roll the dice and find out which person you’re playing against is a Nazi
Page 8
DIVERSIONS
Crossword
April 3, 2018
Throb Lowe
Down 1. The two squishy chest thingies 2. The thing that we’re slowly killing with trash 3. A vegetable you haven’t heard of because you only eat junk 4.“Do you wanna go back to my place?” 5. The sexiest character in Pulp Fiction 9. Have your doctor take a look at this weird new thing on your body 11. Something to do with electricity? Maybe? It’s definitely a television network you don’t watch 12. You fucking love this guy’s chicken 13. What that chimp did to that woman’s face like 10 years ago. Remember that? Wild shit Horoscopes
Across 1. My favorite Girl Scout cookie 6. The fish often tattooed on douchebags 7. What I do before I fall asleep 8. A European snake (not talking about my penis) 10. A cheap-ass word to play in Scrabble 12. A very simple spanish word that you should probably know in the modern world 14. This adjective probably doesn’t describe you 15. The government does this in your private business without telling you
Cancer (June 22-July 22) - You will have the runs this whole week, and there is nothing that will be able to help you. Try and stay as close to a toilet as you can for the foreseeable future, and stay away from anyone that you might want poking around down there one day. 2 stars. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) - Your least attractive professor will try to sleep with you this week. While the promise of a good grade may seem appealing, make sure you are willing to stoop to that level before making your decision. You don’t need more regretful memories, Leo. 3 stars.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) - Someone significant from your past will return to you this week bearing bad news. Maybe scrape together some cash in case that someone needs an abortion or bail money or something. 1 star. Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) - Good fortune will strike you in days to come. Be cautious of people who suddenly take interest in any of your shitty hobbies or laught at your dumb jokes. 3 stars. Gemini (May 21-June 21) - This week your parents will tell you about the twin that you ate in the womb. Don’t let this distract you from the big presentation you have coming up, but give you the confidence that comes with being the alpha. 4 stars. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - It’s time to share your enthusiasm for hentai with your friends. Don’t beat around the bush when revealing this fact to them, they will respect you more if you’re straight-up about just how hard tentacles really get you. 2 stars. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) - Your patience will be tested when a potential mate convinces you to volunteer with the special needs. Keep your smile painted on to impress them and get some hanky panky. 5 stars. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) - Your prowess as a baker will be tested when your significant other’s Aunt Judy claims she makes the best banana bread in the tri-state area. Keep a level head and avoid distractions to wipe the kitchen floor with that bitch’s dry ass loaf. 4 stars. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - Keep your eyes locked on the future and the good that will come. Looking too deeply into the past could cause you to unearth some seriously psychologically damaging memories, and no one feels like dealing with that. 2 stars.
Harry Scope Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - Mercury is in retrograde this week, so be careful when fighting with loved ones to avoid any type of freaky friday scenarios. Failing to do so could result in you learning more about your father than you might want. 1 star. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - Don’t be scared to talk to strangers. As the planets begin their paths to collision social energies will surge off the charts, and you could meet the love of your life. These energies will also draw out the weirdos, so don’t be surprised if there’s a string of disappearances in your area. 5 stars. Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) - Pornography will be especially tempting to you this week, and you may stumble on to some pretty weird sites. Enjoy your discoveries, but keep in mind that at least one close friend will accidentally see your search history in the days to come. 4 stars.
U Up? Come over, we miss u. WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM IN ROOM 411B, CASC
March 29, 2017
Diversions Page 9
Calvin and Hobbes
Bill Watterson
Pearl Before Swine
Stephan Pastis
Mario & Yoshi
Meta-comic*
Lemon Sandwich
XKCD
Classifieds
Page 9 How to Write a Personal
April 3, 2018
1. Think of what you want to say like a minute before you write it. Don’t worry if you think it’s funny or not. 2. Make it as dirty as possible. Sex and farts are the easiest jokes to make. 3. Have as many spelling errors as possible in your submission. The imperfections help give the piece a realistic touch. 4. Wait and see if your personal is featured in the Medium. (It won’t I never read the email, so you are better off not bothering).
Announcements • Statements of the Obvious • Shit no one cares about
Shit You Need Done • Shit You Want to Do • People You Want to Do • What I Do?
Real Advertising Rates Real Advertisement: Sick of the Targum and their grayed out space? Advertise with us and shove it in their face!
Personals:
Send ads to themedium.personals@gmail.com from your Rutgers E-Mail Account only.
1
Somewhere to Live • Somewhere to Be • Somewhere to go • To Call Your Home
Items for Sale Items for Give Items for Theft
/4 page
Article Mentioning Your Business
Other Options
6” x 5”
12” x 25”
Bad Poem
???
$50.00
5,000 yen
5lb of quartz
Sext us
/8 page
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Screaming • Moaning • Whining • Groaning • Reading • Writing • Fighting • Flighting
The Daily Medium 126 College Ave., Room 411B New Brunswick, NJ 08901 (973)-202-7853
“ - Your friendly neighborhood Personals Editor
Dirty Jobs
Stray Studs
Clean Jobs
ATTENTION DOUGLASS STUDENTS: Stray cats have been found behind the Ruth Adams building. Cats found to mate in the face of students. Per the cat’s kink, students must fully observe the male cat’s climax and pretend observe female in turn
Seeking man to pretend to be my boyfriend while conservative parents visit. Must be ok with getting “caught” with me in bed and make numerous claims that me and Kelly are just friends.
Looking for second to
Student Owns
watch all 829 episodes
After economic downturn, Rutgers will double all s t u d e n t loans to pay for football coach.
of ONE PIECE with me.
Any public displays of affection on school grounds will be used to encourage the third act turnabout of any romantic comedy. UNAUTHORIZED
PET-
TING OF SEEING EYE PUPPIES
WILL
NOW
WARRENT THE DEATH PENALTY.
Breaks will not be taken and no skipping any openings or endings.
WANTED: Someone to take pictures of my friend while she isn’t looking. I’m trying to transition from friend to full on stalker, but worry that the sudden change will put a strain on our relationship. Will pay top dollar per picture. Friend’s address will be provided upon acceptance of job.
Looking for two women in their early 30’s to help me with some character work. Must be white, thin, and remind me of my daughter. Bring a Forbes magazine and video of any Trump rallies over the past few days.
I need someone to... take out my girlfriend. I haven’t been around to do it myself. Make it quick and clean. No witnesses Wanted:Woman to help me redesign my Tinder profile. Must bring own camera. Will pay per subsequent match.
College Ave. Looking for a single person to fill in a downstairs room in a 4 bedroom apartment on College Ave. Must be ok with pets, shared living spaces, and cameras everywhere. Former roommate was horribly murdered for mentioning the cameras so room might need some carpet cleaning. Standing offer $650/mo
IF WE HAD ADS
Douglas Seeking male roommate to dress as a woman to secretly live in girls dorm. Must be clean shaven and skinny. Men of Asian decent preferred.
LOCAL ADS
WANTED: Agriculture Major who is willing to let me onto the farm to fuck
STUDENTS the goats. Must be disALREADY GUILTY OF crete, polite, and ok with OFFENSE ARE ENCOUR- the sounds of a 20 year AGED TO TURN SELVES old man balls deep in a IN FOR PAINLESS DEATH screaming goat.
Stained Jobs Need black person to go see Black Panther with. Am willing to pay for ticket prices and water-
LX HAIKU Crushed
inside a bus. Creepy hand is on my ass. Wait that is my hand.
melon Sourpatch Kids. Looking for investors to fund my tech start-up company. We are looking into technologies to help the guy from two ads ago fuck more goats. Serious investors only.
THE MEDIUM MEETS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 8:00 PM IN ROOM 411B OF THE CASC.
Page 11
April 3, 2018 MY LEG GUY FROM SPONGEBOB WOULD BE PROUD
New college studies show theater most popular major amongst soccer players BY IVAN YAKINOFF OUTSOURCED STAFF WRITER
After a year long study into the majors of hundreds of thousands of NCAA student athletes, new research has revealed that the overwhelming majority of soccer players in college are also theater majors. The combination of soccer players and theater was an even bigger and more popular combination than football and communications. This new reveal pretty much shocked absolutely no one. Both soccer fans and the researchers alike were actually surpised the numbers weren’t higher. “Baseball has steroids, sumo wrestling has a shit ton of food, and basketball has people who won the genetic lottery, but in order to well in soccer, you better be able to put on an Oscar worthy fake injuy show at any given moment. Players like Messi and Ronaldo didn’t just become great just on pure skills and talent alone.” said fellow Rutgers student and big soccer fan Tomas Lopez.
As the studies were realeased to the public, many have started wondering whether soccer players who finish their theater degrees have a significant adavantage over those who don’t and possibly deserve a lifetime ban. “The use of complex theatrical skills in the soccer field is key to becoming a great football player. Unfortunely, not everyone is a big enough show off to go to college and play both soccer and school at the same time. We get that you can be an actor and play soccer. But damn just make it more fair for the rest of us who weren’t so damn advantaged.” said high school and soccer academy dropout Michael Coney. Meanwhile, colleges across the county with stuggling theater programs are sending recuriters to South America and Europe as a last ditch attempt to save their asses from fading into obscurity.
Arjen Robben of the Netherlands gives us his latest act from the famous Broadway show, “Floppin’”.
AN INSIDE THE PAINT HOMERUN!
Watching Paint Dry about to give baseball a run for it’s money BY LOU SKUNT PORN DIRECTOR
America’s pastime? More like it’s America’s paint time! As the 2018 MLB season comes to an opening, ratings this year are expected to be absolutely abysmal and their lowest ever in the history of the game since TV was invented. Americans, finally realizing just how boring baseball is, have finally decided to revoke the games apple pie comparison status and watch something more exciting. The new sport, that’s creeping up and threatening baseball’s classic status is none other than the classic watching paint dry. Usually used as a comparison example of a boring and mundane activity, watching paint dry in recent years has become quite the extreme sport. The game consists of a person painting something, anything from a professional painter doing his job to a Trump supporter painting black face to make it show that Trump has black supporters, is fair game in the competition. Then the painter must sit and watch in silence as his work dries up. Despite the initial impressions, this game is not for the weak and as a fan and spectator, can
actually get quite exciting. Many participants have done stuff like fall asleep for days and even shit their pants just from the intense maddening activity from staring at paint all day. In more extreme cases, many have also gone mentally insane from and had to be institutionalized in a paint factory. Fans don’t have it any easier. Die hard fans of watching paint dry have reported getting “second-hand effects. This is when the fan ends up with the same effects as the players after watching paint non-stop for hours on end. New TV contracts for this game have already started and Sherwin-Williams stock is expected to peak once the new paint drying season takes full effect. The paint drying season will be directly competing with baseball season and is expected to bring in 10X more excited fans in every game than in baseball. Move over baseball, there’s a new sport in town that’s actually exciting and won’t totally possibly kill you of boredom. Let’s be real here, no one really watches baseball for the excitement of the game, soccer is more exciting.
Martin Horace, soon to be in the paint drying Hall of Fame.
The Daily Medium
Wednesdays: Room 411B, College Ave Student Center 7:45 pm
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RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
Sports TUESDAY, APRIL 3, 2018
QUOTE OF THE DAY “There are two things every man in America thinks they can do: work a grill and coach football.” —Former Rutgers Football Coach Greg Schiano
ONLINE AT RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM
Rutgers to host 2020 College Football Championship Game BY RIMOND SIDDIQUE SPORTS EDITOR
Big news has come out of New York as the College football playoff committee has announced that High Point Solutions Stadium at Rutgers has been selected to host the 2020 national championship game. Despite a small capacity of only about 55,000 seats and that fact that Rutger’s own football program has been severely lacking in recent years, the committee chose High Point Solutions wanting to help bring the big game close to the New York City metropolitan area. While many others thought Metlife Stadium would be better suited for this occasion, which is physically closer to New York and even has a much bigger capacity, Rutgers won the bid because school athletic directors were just grasping for something to help make their sports program credible again. The plan to host the game and it amenities is expected to cost Rutgers millions of dollars. While the school promises the funding for the event will be strictly taken out of it’s athletic budget and not the student’s tuitions, Rutgers lack of transparency has caused many students to have trust issues and doubts about whether Rut-
gers can truly afford to host such a massive event without digging into the students pockets. Athletic director Pat Hobbs has announced and reassured the students that everything for this event is under control. “Rutgers
joined the BIG 10 in 2014 and since then, we still haven’t made a name for ourselves. But this game, which is usually the number two sports event in America every year, is surely guaranteed to bring back the school pride that
was there when Greg Schiano and Ray Rice ran our entire football teams. For the time being, The NCAA and Rutgers will be working closely with each other. SEE PLAYOFFS ON PAGE 10
SEE TRACK ON PAGE 13
High Point Solutions Stadium will finally have it’s next and only sellout game.
Rutgers ranked as best college for home grown cricket talent BY RIMOND SIDDIQUE SPORTS EDITOR
In the latest collegiate cricket rankings, Rutgers who has the number one cricket team in the nation, has also been praised for having the most players on a team to all be from neighboring towns. Out of the 11 full time starters on the team, 7 of them are from neighing New Brunswick town Edison and the other 4 are from the Piscataway part of town that borders Edison. While most colleges look for cricket talent internationally from places such as the West Indies and South Asia, what Rutgers has done by fielding such a strong cricket team made entirely out of
locals has caught the eyes of recruiters across the country. Many college recruiters now routinely make trips to J.P. Stevens High School in Edison looking to the next big cricket superstar to give a full scholarship to. While cricket is still relatively unknown to most Americans, the rise of immigration from South Asia is to bring the sport more into mainstream American culture. In the meantime, as Rutgers celebrates it’s great new distinction in the NCAA, it’s now preparing spring training for its new Class of 2022 recruiting class. As Rutgers baseball is still struggling to be relevant, many fans and school athletic directors have hope cricket will be the savior. SEE CRICKET ON PAGE 10 EXTRA POINT
NBA SCORES
Memphis Minnesota
2 69
New York Charlotte
DOA 33
Denver Philadelphia
420 ∞
Boston Phoenix
1776 DNP
LA Lakers Detroit
Forfeit San Antonio 80085 Milwaukee
00000 π
DEVIN McCOURTY, former Rutgers CB and Super Bowl champion with the Patriots. Or is this his twin brother Jason in this pic? Honestly we don’t know and we never will because both of them are on the same team team again now.
KNIGHTS SCHEDULE
BASEBALL
SWIMMING
SOFTBALL
WOMEN’S ROWING
vs. ???????????
vs. Sharks
at. Ohio State
vs. Sea Monsters
Coming Soon TBD
Today, 1700 hours Atlantic Ocean
You won’t even watch this.
Monday 4:00 p.m. Raritan River