THE DAILY MEDIUM Volu me 4 1 , Nu mb e r 2 1
S E R V I N G
T H E
Today: More cold than normal High: 39
Low: 24
R U T G E R S
C O M M U N I T Y
S I N C E
THURSDAY MARCH 31ST, 2011
1 9 7 0
IT ALL ADDS UP
Rutgers Mathematics Team travelled to Princeton over break. Find out how they did in the Metro section.
FirstTransit considering changes to bus routes BY AMY DIMARIA OPINIONS EDITOR
University officials are on the verge of yet another difficult decision about student transportation to help balance finances. A meeting of the Transportation Coordinating Council (TCC) has proposed that weekend routes continue every day of the week and all other routes will be eliminated. “Removing the L bus and introducing the LXC was a difficult decision,” said President Richard McCormick. “But the students understand that sacrifices have to be made in an economy
like this. This plan is still in its beginning stages and may not even happen.” If the bus routes were to completely switch over to the weekend loops it is estimated to save the University $50,000 in labor and gas costs. However, the new proposed routes would skip over all residence hall stops and include 20-minute breaks at all Student Centers. Student reactions to the proposed changes have been overwhelmingly negative. “I can’t believe this is even being considered,” said AliSEE
BUSES ON
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Buses may shift to weekend routes as soon as FirstTransit inherits the contract from Academy Transporation.
INDEX UNIVERSIT Y
Sorrentino and Polizzi, pictured here with DJ Pauly D, right, will be at the LSC tonight.
‘Situation’ to join Snooki at event BY JORDAN GOCHMAN NEWS EDITOR
In a surprise announcement by the Rutgers University Programming Association, Mike ‘The Situation” Sorrentino will be joining his Jersey Shore co-star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at the Livingston Student Center this Thursday, March 31st. Previously, RUPA had announced that only Polizzi would be in attendance at a special event at the Livingston Student Center.
BY BRENDAN COOK
Students form organiation that makes them feel like their going to be successul when they grow up.
OPINIONS Either BAKA or Hillel is bad for some reason and must be stopped. UNIVERSITY . . . . 3 METRO . . . . . . . . 7 OPINIONS . . . . . . 8 DIVERSIONS . . . 10
ONLINE @
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interviewed by Adam Ace, a popular comedian known for partnering with Snooki at many events, in a style that mimics “Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Sorrentino and Polizzi will answer various questions about their life before and after being thrust into the spotlight. “You can also expect many juicy details about all the fun behind the scenes stuff that happened during the show,” SEE
SNOOKI ON
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Residence Life to cut staffing levels in dorms CONTRIBUTING WRITER
SPORTS . . . . BACK
“We couldn’t announce ‘The Situation’ was coming officially until his manager finalized the contract with RUPA,” said Greg Kassee, Vice President of the RUPA Comedy and Movies committee. “We had hoped to announce his participation in the event the same day we announced Snooki’s but it all got tied up behind the scenes. The event, intended purely for entertainment, will feature the stars of the popular MTV show being
Staffing cuts by Residence Life will affect the number of Resident Assistants at many Residence Halls, such as Clothier Hall on the College Avenue Campus. Residence Life adminsitrators hope this change will not increase deviance.
“We have decided to kill two birds with one stone,” was the way Jane Kerring began her address in a meeting of University administrators. In the meeting, different department administrators spoke of changes and progress in their respective departments. Kerring, the Director of Residence Life, made the announcement that shocked and angered many in the room. “It is with regret that I announce that in the coming school year, 40% of the resident assistant positions will be cut.” Kerring attributed the change to insufficient funds being brought into the department, and increasing expenses.
In the past years due to more residents, the department has needed to spend significant amounts of money on unexpected expenses such as the Crowne Plaza hotel arrangements, the cost of the Hotel Shuttle bus, retrofitting lounges with locks to be utilized as rooms, and increased staff to manage the amount of students. “We have come increasingly closer to going over budget in the past few years, and I do not want to see us get to that point,” said Kerring. To balance the budget in the coming school year, multiple residence life positions will be cut. The most visible one to the student body will be the decrease in resident assistants. Income will be generated by assigning the former resident assistant rooms to students as single rooms.
A decrease in expenses will come from the merging of other higher level positions, which have not yet been specified. Despite Kerring’s suggestion that the change is necessary, there was much opposition from other administrators. “Those bastards are going to go around tearing shit up now, and that’s going to be on my bill,” said Dave Johnson, Director of Facilities. The department is currently looking into a new way to enforce the policies, which are rarely enforced anyway. Some options include installing more video cameras in the Residence Halls deemed “high risk” by outgoing staff members. Other SEE
DORMS ON
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D I R E C TORY
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
WEATHER OUTLOOK
COLDCOLDCOLDCOLD
TODAY TONIGHT
FRIGID LIKE MOM
ICE ICE BABY!
For some reason, its still fucking cold out!
Still cold. Even though its April. Fuck that groundhog.
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Corrections Are you fucking kidding me? The Medium is pure satire and we have never, ever taken ourselves seriously. If you really think that we believe in any of the jokes (let me repeat for clarity, JOKES), you’re completely full of retard organs. We are a comedic satiric publication and if you have a problem with us, read the Constitution of the United States of America.
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UNIVERSITY T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
March 31, 2011
Coca-Cola returns to campus this fall
P AGE 3
Mason Gross Governing Council agrees to adjourn meeting; hold next meeting
However, during the meeting, dissent arose as students NEWS EDITOR MGSA protested the decorum of With Mason Gross the meeting that was bestudents legitimately Governing ing held. concered about such Council “Every meeting for important issues as havthe past four months has ing janitors clean the classroom floors had pizza, ” said Walter Matther, a and having SAS students carry their books, the Mason Gross Governing BFA Acting student. “I come to these Council met last night in Walters Hall meetings feeling very sure that pizza to agree that the meeting had been will be served. At this meeting pizza was not served and I was upset.” Indeed, many students were an“At this meeting, pizza gered, holding up the adjournment of the meeting for as long as five minwas not served and utes. Some offered to order pizza, provided that council funds would I was upset” pay for it. One over-achieveing stuWalter Matthews dent, Russel Sanders, MGSA ‘14, ofMGSA ‘13 fered to drive over to Easton Avenue held. They then voted on a measure to pick up pizza and soda. The council has appointed a speto promptly adjourn the meeting as cial committee to investigate the all important business had been comcause of this breach of policy and to pleted. “I think we got everything we appoint a member of the council to needed to get done accomplished,” be the council’s “Pizza Ordering Ofsaid council Vice President Chet ficial.” This move by the council has Worthington, a jazz studies major. been considered by other governing “We are looking into holding our next bodies as the Governing Council’s most successful achievement to date. meeting in the same place.” BY SUM DUM JOO
Jake Lewandowski, a Rutgers College senior, holds a once prohibited bottle of Coca-Cola aloft. Lewandowski was among several students who gathered at Brower Commons after a formal announcement was made.
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
In a stunning development, the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled in an unaminous decision that more contracts at the University were awarded illegally. In addition to the controversy regarding bus service, more controversy developed in regards to soft drinks on campus The Supreme Court found that the University made illegal negotiations with PepsiCo for the soft drink. An injunction has been granted, and starting at the beginning of fall semester, Coca-Cola, Sprite, and Powerade will be seen in place of Pepsi, Sierra Mist, and Gatorade. “We have found that the University did unfair practices in negotiating the contract in 2005, such as unfair bidding rules, illegal private negotiations, and favoritism resulting in the better bid for the exclusive soft drink rights not getting selected. Therefore, we have no choice but to void the current contract, and restore the previous contract with Coca-Cola,” wrote Chief Justice Stuart Rabner in the majority opinion. This change comes to a relief of many in the Rutgers student body after months of protesting the tyr-
anny of drinking Pepsi and Mountain Dew on campus. “Today’s a great day in Rutgers history. Now I am no longer a slave to drinking a terrible, terrible cola during class,” exclaimed SEBS junior Alex Miakos. “I mean, sure, we could always go to any store on Easton Ave to get a bottle of Coke, but what would be the point? This is the matter of principles damnit.” Pepsi hatred on campus boiled over to the point of protests, walkouts, and the throwing of vending machines into the Raritan River. This is despite previous complaints about Coca-Cola’s human rights records in Latin America. “I don’t care what terrible stuff happened half a world way by big business, this is still a smaller war crime than the terrible taste of Pepsi,” explained School of Social Work senior Gabriella Garcia, “For me, I’ll always be a Rutgers student, and I’ll always choose Coca-Cola.” Not everyone is happy about this news though. All 3 RC Cola drinkers on campus are still continuing their hunger strike at Voorhees Mall though, and they have announced that they will continue striking until Cola State University Week in late April.
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO CABO
Detective Sugarlumps, a veteran of the Mounted Patrol, was sent down to Panama City over Spring Break, as part of a joint task force to prevent underage drinking and drug use. While abroad, Sugarlumps made twenty-seven arrests, served twelve warrants and used his spare time to give a recently engaged couple a romantic beach ride at sunset.
New Technology Ushers in Age of Never Having to Speak to a Real Human Again, Ever
when given the option, young adults in the 16-28 age group would more A local survey has found that re- willingly saw off their left arm than cent technological advancements pick up the phone and actually reenabling students to order food, solve a situation while speaking to buy furniture and check their bank a fellow human being. In the space statements online have made face- of the survey allotted for students to to-face interactions with other hu- respond to the question, “When was mans an inconvenience of the past. the last time you spoke to another Survey conductors found that human being in person?” one stuBY L’IL BIT STAFF WRITER
dent simply wrote, “BBM sad face”. Communications Analyst Paul Wells also confirmed, via Skype, that personal encounters are, “… simply irrelevant in society. Common issues with interaction are bad breath and the fear that one is being judged by the other person.” John Thomas, a 17-year old with a wild, rabid look about him sug-
gesting that it had been weeks since he had seen the light of day, denied that technology has stunted the social skills of his generation. “I mean, it’s not that I’m socially retarded, you know?” he said, fixing his eyes on his iPhone. “It’s just way more convenient to order food with a few clicks of the mouse than it is to do over the phone.”
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
U N I V E R SI T Y
Rutgers Zone to open bar; serve alcohol
City council proposes Easton Avenue gentrification project
Despite high hopes when it opened last year, the Rutgers Zone Café in Livingston has not performed to the standards. Turns out, today’s college students simply do not want to share fatty malt milkshakes with the girl of their dreams. In addition, there is this little problem of being in the middle of fucking nowhere on Livingston. As a result, the place is deep in the red. But, in a surprise announcment Tuesday, Student Life announced that instead of shutting down the simple snack lounge , it will be turned into a full fledged bar selling alcoholic beverages. “We’ve seen this work at other colleges,” said Rutgers Zone Manager Lisa McGrath , in regards to the change, “It’s a huge success down at TCNJ and Rider.
And we wanted money so we had to do it.” Student Life is aiming to reopen in July. President McCormick has announced that, “I’ll take care of the liquor liscence,” by going to the next meeting of the Piscataway Township Committee, and demanding one under the threat of him personally boycotting every bar in the municipality, potentially destroying the local economy. Beers stocked at the new and improved™ Rutgers Zone will include over 35 selections, from Budweiser to River Horse, as well as fresh Jungle Juice made every morning. Reactions have been mixed so far. When asked, Mason Gross Junior Elvin La Forke pondered, “I don’t know, it’s on Livingston, so I know it will never be as crowded as Knight Club, but that is a mixed blessing overall.”
SNOOKI: FUCK continued from front
DORMS: THIS continued from front
She is an orange cum-guzzling shit stain on American Society. Do you know how much money they spend on her just so she can get her hair done? Don’t spend your time seeing her. I hear that there is an improv show at 9:30 in Van Dyck Hall tonight.
Basically, everyone can fuck and smoke to their heart’s content. How about that? You wanted that 3.5 next semester? It ain’t fucking happening! You gonna get laid all the damn time, probably by people you won’t even know! You could fuck someone to death!
BUSES: SHIT continued from front
I park on Somerset or Commercial or some place that my car actually will get stolen at! Actually, I take that back. Because I’m moving offcampus next year and I may actually get my car stolen. I don’t want to jinx myself. I’m surprisingly superstitious. Like, did you know its bad luck to say “Macbeth” in a theater? Its true! My friends once said it and I forced him outside and made him ask to be let back in, like a vampire. I don’t know why I did it, but I did. Wait, what was this article about? Oh, yeah. Busses. FUCK THEM!
BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
You can go cry to your mommy about it. WAHHHHH! I GO TO A STATE SCHOOL! I HAVE TO TAKE THE BUS! WAHHHHHH! As long as I don’t have to stand within two centimeters of some fat guy with a big backpack that is full of fucking rocks or dildoes or some dumb shit. Maybe if my mom let me bring my car to campus, I could do my part to decrease the need for campus buses. But noooooooo, she’s scared it will get stolen. Its not like
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BY JERRY SIZZLER STAFF WRITER
At the site for the Gateway project, Mayor James Cahill announced plans for a project to completely change the face of Easton Avenue as we know it: a massive scale demolition and renovation of the street from Somerset all the way down to St. Peter’s Medical Center. Starting immediately after graduation, condemnation will be applied to the entire row of properties on the street. One by one, properties will be demolished, and replaced with new development constructed by pre-selected developers. Cahill didn’t say outright why he was in favor of deconstructing and reconstructing. But comments at his press conference hinted at frustration with the student body. “New Brunswick is a
Easton Ave. Apartments will be the only thing spared. Shit.
great place, but it would be an even better place if it weren’t for all those students, not paying taxes, and running into the fists of our Police officers. This new project will fix the student problem once and for all.” The plans reveal a different city landscape altogether. Corner Tavern, Golden Rail, Old Queens, Scarlet Pub, and Knight Club will all be condemned. Whatever opportunities to drink on the Avenue will be limited to high end cocktail
and wine taverns. In addition the various mini marts will be replaced with Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Takeout joints will see in their places Tapas restaurants. But perhaps the biggest change to be seen is housing. Several apartment buildings and houses do exist currently. But under the new redevelopment plan, they will all be replaced by multiple skyscrapers containing nothing but condos.
LOCAL POLICE BLOTTER
COLLEGE AVENUE– Michael Furman of Duke St. was reported to local authorities after he was believed to have stolen baked goods from the College Ave Au Bon Pain. However, upon arrival, the owner remembered the cookies had been free samples and that he probably shouldn’t have pulled out his protective flame thrower after all. MORRIS STREET-Christine Bauscher was apprehended after running down the street in a flaming flame-retardant suit in an attempt to light everything possible thing onfire; she tripped, however, and the rolling effectively put out the flaming suit. COOK- Lou Miller was arrested for hitting an undercover officer posing as a jaywalker, who walked into Miller’s car at the last possible second and then claimed that he was driving too fast. UNION STREET- An unidentified student, 21, was sedated and arrested for putting upholstered furniture on his front porch. Remember folks, breaking zoning ordinances is a serious crime. SENIOR STREET- Police were disappointed to find that John McDermont of Senior street, a frequent criminal offender, had not actually done anything wrong last night. Police then retired to Noodle Gourmet for the next three hours while four armed robberies occurred in the College Ave area. BOYD PARK- A New Brunswick Police Department Officer attempted to arrest the Raritan River for illegally overflowing the banks onto George Street. “He was disturbing the peace and threatening traffic.” The officer tried to bring the river into custody but it resisted efforts. “I even tried punching the river as hard as I could, but it kept getting away. And I’m frustrated because punching things is the only thing I know how to do well.” If you have tips for whereabouts of the river call 555-TIPS. BARTLETT STREET- Police responded to a noise complaint on the top floor of a house across the street from the Olive Branch. A search of the house recovered several brands of cheap wine, including Mad Dog 20/20, Cisco, Wild Irish Rose, Nighttrain and three gallon sized jugs of Thunderbird wine. It was reported that there may have been threats of indecent exposure and loud screaming. PLUM STREET- Police responded to a frat party where several women were found to be asleep on the floor. When questioned, one fraternity brother stated that it was “nap time” for the girls, who were visiting from a nunnery. The brothers offered to escort the girls to a proper bed and to dress them in something more comfortable.
INSIDEBEAT THE WEEKLY ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE OF THE DAILY MEDIUM
Guess what’s going on in this picture
MARCH 31, 2011 • VOL. 1, NO. 1
Why is she dressed as Cruella de Vil? Why is he not wearing pants?
EAL
HE D WHAT’S T
IRL IN G E H T H WIT
E LO
THE M
AT IS H H W • E L IDD
HERE
VER T O T A G OKIN
March 31, 2011
Inside Beat • Page 1
ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT
S o me F a shion C rap By Kristen Cignavitch arts editor
A big trend for Spring 2011 is patterns, even though people all over the world have worn patterns every single day for centuries. I guess what is different about this season is that you should wear really gaudy patterns head to toe. There are probably people who have done that way before Spring 2011, but before that they were unfashionable. A little while ago this girl would have looked like a complete fucking douche. And to most people she still does. But this was designed by Prada. This is high fashion. There are people are paying a lot of money to wear a Hawaiian shirt with bananas on it. And I think that is absolutely fantastic.
This rounded, sans-serif font looks modern as shit especially when it has
extremelytight letter spacing as well as when it has
extre w i l e t s p a c
mely d e t e r i n g .
There are lots of rounded,
Dodos No Color | F
By Pepe Silvia staff writer
Honestly, I didn’t listen to this album. You think I fuckin have the time? I gave this album an F because that’s what I’ll get in Linear Algebra if I waste an afternoon listening to this piece of crap. I don’t think you should waste your time either, to tell the truth. Why aren’t you doing homework, asshole? You’re not worried about exams? I’m sure you’re a fucking genius who doesn’t need to study and still gets a 4.0 with no goddamn effort. If you wanna listen to 50 minutes of this shitty band at the expense of
your GPA, you’re gonna do it whether I tell you to or not. I shouldn’t even be wasting my time writing this. Fuck this shit. If you have the time to listen to music and read music reviews all motherfucking day, why are you in college? What kind of degree is so undemanding that you have all this free time? Why are you taking on student loan debt to sit around? Why the hell would anyone read any of this crap?
The Strokes
Angles | A+
By Rapist Glasses hipster editor
I don’t know, man. I liked it, but I really don’t know if you would like it. I mean, this is my favorite band, and I honestly consider this album to be their best yet. But.. just... I don’t think it’s for you. I can’t picture you, just sitting, listening to this album, and like totally loving all of the nuances yet still getting it as a whole. Maybe you might like that one song that they released as a single, but that song is
so different from the rest of them that it is no promise that you’ll like the entire thing. Don’t know why, I just don’t see it. You could try giving it a shot but I can’t make any guarantees. Just don’t go in thinking that you’ll enjoy it. I can’t put my finger on it, man, I just don’t imagine it to be very much up your ally, or your cup of tea, or whatever. Not that you shouldn’t listen to it, it’s my favorite album that has ever been produced by anyone. Just hard to imagine you being as big a fan as me.
sans-serif fonts that can be used to fill up the white space that is the result of lack of content.
Raekwon Shaolin vs. Wu-Tang | F
By Slow-Clap McGee staff writer
If someone in Rolling Stone gave this album a bad review, that would really compromise the sales of this album. No matter how catchy and intelligent the songs are, if Rolling Stone took the time to acknowledge this album just to tell everyone that it genuinely, profoundly sucked, it would get noticed. It would kill any desire for advertisers to buy the songs for commercials, MTV wouldn’t play it in the background of True Life, and the 13 year old flipping through a copy of Rolling Stone might change their mind about buying it on iTunes. The album would flop. I gave this album an F just to prove that no one gives a crap about what the Inside Beat thinks about this album. Rolling Stone gave it a pretty good review, it was a highly anticipated followup to Raekwon’s last album, and even though I am publishing that I hated the crap out of it, it will have absolutely no effect on anyone’s behavior regarding this album. Seriously, fuck this artist, their trite songwriting, their uninspired melodies, and fuck everyone in the music industry.
METRO T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
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P AGE 7
Michael Vick to introduce Pitbull at Rutgersfest BY OLIVER KLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
Famous quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles Michael Vick will be introducing Rutgersfest headlining act Pitbull. Vick continuing his road to redemption after being convicted on federal dogfighting charges feels that this is a great way to repair his image. “I really am a fan of Pitbulls,” said Vick. Plans for the introduction include Vick leading out Pitbull on a leash and having him rap into a dog bowl with a microphone attached. Seeing as this is a live performance and the high likelihood that
Pitbull will mess up a lyric, Vick will be supplied with plenty of rolled up newspapers to smack him on the nose. Plans are to use the Targum since no one reads it anyway. Pitbull, most famous for his incoherent and repetitive rapping went on record as saying, “Yo dawg I gotta help out a fellow dawg, cat is a balla.” When hearing the news, Animal rights activists were incensed at the thought of Vick being within 500 miles of another dog. They were quickly tamed when they realized their misinterpretation. However PETA apparently has chosen to ignore the memo and will protest on the principle of the matter.
Insufficent cellphone memory causes wasteful domestic spending BY HARRISON SOLO STAFF WRITER
Last night Junior Dinesh Patel’s failure to delete the contents of his inbox led to a waste of $5.27. “Dinesh had texted me asking if we needed Doritos,” said roommate John Girdley. At first Girdley could not find any Doritos in their house and responded positively. “I got a ‘hell yeah’ from him so I went in to the store to grab a jumbo bag,” said Patel. Within two minutes of sending the text Girdley found three full bags under their kitchen sink. “I sent him another message but
never heard back,” said Girdley. Patel never received the message due to a full inbox on his Samsung Gravity Touch. Investigators said that if Patel had deleted his messages in a more timely fashion, he would have received Girdley’s last text. “That’s such a sad waste of money,” said Patel. “He could have saved up to buy a better phone.” Investigators said that both parties involved should consider themselves lucky that the subject matter of their conversation was not as important as it could have been, such as the price of narcotics.
The Stargates will lower wait times by a whole ten minutes. However, it will increase the number of delays in Penn Station.
StarGateway Project to involve actual Stargates BY CO FUS STAFF WRITER
To create a solution to the slow, overcrowded trains, NJ Transit has enlisted the help of the U. S. Air Force. NJ Transit Head Bob Butterman learned about the Top Secret Stargate Program after watching the 3 SyFy TV shows about it. The Stargates, ring-shaped devices made by the beings who ascended long ago, create a wormhole linking another Stargate whose address is dialed. The trains will ride through the Stargates, travelling through this wormhole, and arrive at their destination in seconds. The Stargates normally send people to other planets. The IT & Comp Sci students have written an algorithm that will reroute the trains to various Stargates that have
just been built by the Engineering students, and lovingly placed on train routes by students in the Landscape Architecture program. The Air Force believes that this project is a practical use of cheap student labor All passengers must sign waivers that Rutgers and NJ Transit are not responsible for any harm such as but not limited to: being swallowed by a black hole, freezing on an ice planet, getting the life sucked out of you by Wraith, forced conversion to the Origin religion by the Ori, becoming a host to a parasitic Goa’uld, or being kidnapped by a lovesick robot Replicator. The Prometheus starship along with SG-1 will be sent to rescue students who purchase accident insurance prior to getting stranded on an alien world.
FDA: THAT ONE FOOD YOU LIKE IS NOW BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH In a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Ried Tamaranda, head of caloric studies at the Food and Drug Administration announced today that that one food that you find absoutely delicious and could, theoretically, “not
live without,” contains a dangerous combination of minerals and carcinogenic substances that could detrimentally affect your health. “We believe that this particular combination of ingredients releases chemical reactions that create a
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deadly combination,” said Tamaranda. “At this point, there is no benefit to eating that particular food.” Despite no healthful reason to eat this delicious food that your mom used to serve you whenever you finished your chores or got an
‘A’ on your report card, the FDA promises to study possible ways to remedy the problem. However, they do not expect results until ten years from now. -Dan “Oman” Chog Jr.
SCHOOL OF MANAGEMENT AND LABOR RELATIONS
UNION ORGANIZING 37:575:347 A NEW COURSE FOR FALL 2011! Fight the evils of Capitalism! Screw those business fat cats! Punch Business Majors in the face!
OPINIONS T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
PAGE 8 EDITORIALS
March 31, 2011
Laurels and Darts
W
hat’s up with laurels? If you don’t know, they’re a wreath of leaves made of interlocking branches of the bay laurel plant. In ancient Rome, laurel wreaths were used to crown the heads of those who had triumphed during battle. However, recent usage of the phrase “resting on your laurels” means that one relies on past successes as an excuse not to work. While those who rest on their laurels are deserving of recognition of their success, it is not prudent of them to use it as an excuse not to continue growth in their respective field. Laurels get a dart for making successful people rest rather than strive towards progress. * * * * * Darts is a very fun game. It involves standing a length away from a target made from a velvety type of material, and throwing a small, sharp arrow with the goal of having it stick in the center of the target. It is often played in bars due to the low level of technical skill necessary to play as well as the simplicity of the rules. Though it seems pretty daunting when you have never played, after playing for a little while, you get the hang of it. Playing darts seems like it has the potential to be dangerous, but as long as patrons respect that a game is going on, there is very little risk. Darts receive a laurel for being a fun challenge of precision and accuracy that you can play with friends. * * * * * Anyone who asks me about my spring break gets a dart right in their throat. It was only a week, what do you think I did? I played video games the entire time. Am I supposed to go to some tropical island for the week? Do you think I’m just made of money? Spring break is a week off from homework, being stuck at my house. I’m not going to want to go to some beach in the middle of March anyway. Then I just have to come back to a freezing wasteland. And darts to everyone who did go somewhere cool on their spring break. You’re an asshole. * * * * * The Honors Program requires students to be fluent in a foreign language, through the intermediate level. We at The Medium believe this is a conspiracy between the foreign language departments and the Honors Program to increase each other’s funding. The lower level Spanish courses are four credits instead of three. This means you have to meet more often than other courses and are required to put more effort into the class, disregarding the fact that you may have a series of difficult courses, or a life. Also, you have to take all the exams on a Sunday and it will always be on a campus that you don’t live on so you have to take a weekend bus. So language requirements, and the Rutgers Spanish Department in particular, get a dart! ¿Donde esta la bibliotecha bitches? * * * * * Ready for a history lesson? Because you’re about to get schooled. General Winfield Scott is hands down, the baddest mother in the history of the American military. When he had to take Mexico City, the crazy bastard cut his own supply lines for mobility. And you know what? It fucking worked. Oh and are you enjoying having a unified nation? You can thank Scott for that too. He devised the Anaconda Plan that won the Civil War. Plus his nickname was Old Fuss and Feathers. That’s some gangster shit right there. Laurel to WINFIELD!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ll kill a snitch. I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t.” Richard L. McCormick, Rutgers University President STORY IN UNIVERSITY
W
I Hate My Life
ow. it’s been a over and my position was while since any- Should lost, so were my friends. I think I felt the Opinions one asked me Be In The to write an opinion piece Editor spit on me as I was leaving. like this. In case you don’t Targum remember, I’m THE Neil I’ve tried calling some Kypers. I was Editor-inpeople but all I get is a voice NEIL P. KYPERS mail message. I thought I Chief for The Daily Targum and it was the sweetest gig had reached one of the new editors but after she answered she pretended you can imagine. I had gotten her voice mail. I KNOW IT With all the students at Rutgers, I stood WAS YOU, MARY! I KNOW IT! above them as a god. I controlled the news Eventually no one is going to be asking me you all heard about and not a single crosshow my day is going. They’ll just be saying, word puzzle was published without going “Are you ok, sir?” as I lay in a gutter. I’m not across my desk first. I may not have been sure how to prepare for that kind of future. able to finish a single one but dammit I I saw myself as Editor-in-Chief of the New was in control. All men envied me. Every York Times or Assistant Manager of a Sears. woman wanted to be with me. Oh god, the Now all of those dreams are worthless. Can women… you see Sears hiring someone Ever since that fateful day in “Every day that I who just used to be EIC? Yeah, February when my successor look in the mirror neither can I. took over as EIC, my life has and can no longer There aren’t that many jobs turned to absolute shit. I have major meltdowns nearly every say ‘Good Morning, for the people like me who day, forced to face the reality Editor in Chief,’ I die have lost all of their status. Who knows how long it will be of my imminent graduation. I a little more.” before I have to resort to selling can’t drive past the Targum ofmy possessions and body to make ends meet? fices without breaking out in a cold sweat. I haven’t even had the heart to tell my parSometimes I just sit in the shower with the ents about this. They’re still convinced that water as hot as it will go and I cry. editors of a college newspaper serve four year It is a hard fall when you go from the top terms. Not sure how much longer I can keep of the top to the absolute bottom of the barthat one going. Plus having my mother call rel. Every day that I look in the mirror and me and ask how her “little EIC” is doing can no longer wink and say “Good mornused to mean nothing but now it sends me ing, Neil P. Kypers, Editor in Chief ”, I die into a spiralling depression. a little more. Maybe I can just start failing all my classes I miss all the little things the most. Beand spend a few more semesters in the sysing able to answer to phone and say “Neil tem. I could be EIC of the Centurion in a Kypers, Editor in Chief.” Snapping my finweek and a half. gers and having an underclassman bring me Oh God, someone please save me from the day’s headlines. My own private baththat prospect. room. There’s no real life after that. Just emptiness. Neil P. Kypers is an SAS senior majoring in gloI used to think the staff of the paper were rious flowing hair and cowboy hats. He can be going to be my best friends forever. We found Monday through Friday in a box behind forged a bond over late nights producing the Rutgers Student Center, begging to copy edit the news as I laughed over the comics in Dinews articles. versions. But as soon as the elections were Due to space limitations submissions cannot be longer than 750 words. No one wants to read your opinion for that long anyway, you pretentious prick. All submissions must include a pretty damn good reason to publish it in the first place. Think long and hard before you send it in, I don’t have time for your bullshit. This is a legit operation here. Oh yeah, opinions@rutgersmedium.com. That’s a thing now.
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
Letter
OPINIONS
MARCH 3 1 , 2 0 1 1
9
America: Pro-Baseball and Pro-Choice
JACK KAUFMAN I was born a citizen of the United States. No one knows what that means when they are young, but they are one if they were born here. Every schoolchild acknowledges it as they recite the Pledge of Allegiance to our beautiful flag every morning. They acknowledge it as they study years of American history. Every young man acknowledges it when they go to urinate and they don’t
have to worry about pulling their foreskin out of the way. Recently there have been long debates about circumcision. These commentators have had the audacity to say if we are for circumcision, we enjoy killing penises and if we are against it we are against the freedoms guaranteed in America. I feel that there is a middle ground that we can all accept, and that is pro-choice. If a mother chooses to have her baby boy snippy snipped, then it should be her choice
and not the government. To suggest a law banning this practice is a pretty dick move. There is currently no American law requiring this, but it is required by people
“To suggest a law banning this practice is a pretty dick move.” of certain faiths, notably the Jewish faith. If we were to create a law against circumcision, we would be boning every Jewish boy by condemn-
ing them to Hell unless they went to Canada to get their meat modified. And then there are those who claim that from birth we are denied sexual pleasure due to the decreased sensitivity of our dick heads. Can I poll you guys and ask is anyone actually complaining about the pussy they get just because they’re circumcised? How many times have you fucked a girl and pulled out and said, “That was nice. I just wish it could have been better. Damn my mother
for having me circumcised. Damn her to hell!” If you have said that to a woman, you might not end up having much sex at all after that. I urge you America! Don’t go flaccid on our freedoms. Go Pro-Choice for circumcision. Jack Kaufman is a junior in the Rutgers Business School majoring in Finance. He has a penis, we assure you.
I Don’t Like The Opinions Page Letter
JORDAN GOCHMAN Every day I open the Targum and find myself in awe of the sheer stupidity that comes from the fingertips of the average Rutgers student on the Opinions page. Whether it is the ranting of a member of a religious organization or the unresearched theses by any random student with a voice, the Opinions always makes students sound uneducated. Recently, a student wrote about circumcision, as if he
were an expert on the subject. The kid is a sophomore in college, so I think he has the same right to draw an opinion on the subject as someone with a degree in Liberal Studies from a community college and works in Accounts Payable at their dad’s factory. Another thing that pisses me off is this whole BAKA/ Hillel controversy. I have no opinion on the actual subject of the controversy but it annoys me to no end when they use the Targum Opinions
page to bash each other and claim that the other side is lying. I mean, come on. This whole Israel/Palestine thing is much bigger than
construction on Livingston: everyone will notice and no one will care. What pisses me off the most is when the editorial staff of the Targum decides “Bashing each other to draw drastic conclusions which clearly mask their own in the Opinions page is like all the new con- personal desires. For examstruction on Livingston: ple, they don’t want bath salts banned, despite all of the tereveryone will notice rible things that have hapand no one will care.” pened because of improper use. They think “personal anyone can fathom. Bash- responsibility” will prevent ing each other in the Opin- future incidents. Are you ions page is like all the new fucking kidding me? Based
In order to better judge just how low you can all sink as human beings, The Targum has decided to begin printing some of the website’s most popular comments. Maybe if you see what you wrote in print, you’ll feel something close to shame. From now on, when you’re a complete spaz in the comment section, you can’t hide behind an anonymous screen name. It also helps members of the University to keep tabs on their fellow students. No longer will you have to worry that someone in your life wrote a weird as shit comment about circumcision without your knowledge.
on all that has happened, I think personal responsibility flies out the window with that stuff. Just because all you Targum folk sniff bath salts doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be banned. In short, no one at Rutgers has a right to an opinion ever. Except me. Jordan Gochman is a student at Rutgers who wrote two opeds for the Targum. He suffers from psychosomatic phantom limb syndrome.
COMMENT OF THE DAY “So, have you been enjoying the previews for Adam Lambert’s Glam Nation Live (CD/DVD) ? Am I the only one hating on that woman right smack in the center of front row whose default status for her arms is to have them up superman style all.the.effing.time , therefore blocking our view of the Glam one?” User “BroylesJessica94” in response to Adam Lambert’s video “If I Had You”
VOICE COMMENTS ONLINE AT YOUTUBE.COM
DIVERSIONS T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
P AGE 10
Horoscopes / SPICY CARAMEL
M ARCH 31, 2 0 1 1
Snarky Talking Animals
KAITIE DAVIS
Your Job Sucks
DAVIE KAITS
Today’s birthday (3/31/2011) Well aren’t you special? Not only is today your birthday, but its on the last day of March. You where born on the day that March dies. I hope you’re happy with yourself. Aries (March 21 - April 19): Today is a -76%. If you gaze out into the distance, you’re farsightedness will prevail and you might accidentally walk into that LX. Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Today is a 2. Just a 2. Your day is most likely just going to suck. The stars are really pissed off at you today, so don’t push it. I’m serious. You don’t fuck with the stars. Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Today is a √8 and chances are, you are not going to be able to figure out what the hell is going on, which is why you’re reading this to get some perspective in your sad, misguided life. Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Today is a 73484. Emotions run very high today, and this could lead to several arguments. Chill the fuck out and get over yourself. Leo (July 23 - August 22): Today is a 9. You are just going to have a kick ass day, dear fire lion. Why? That is because you are a fucking FIRE LION. Go fuck someone up. Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Today is a -34. The reason for this is because you are a Virgo, which is a virgin, so your life pretty much sucks anyway, so I have no idea why you are even looking for false hope in the horoscopes. It really isn’t going to help you with the whole virgin thing.
Libra (September 23 October 22): Today is a 0. That’s right it is neither a positive nor a negative number. Apparently you’re good at resolving conflicts. Why don’t you try busting up that gang war by the train station? Scorpio (October 23 November 21): Today is a 4375937241 because you are a drama queen and you just have to be a major pain in the ass, so we gave the highest number. Are you happy now? Good. Have a nice day and tone down the creepiness. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Today is a 69 for you Sagittarius. Interpret that however you want to. Capricorn (December 22 January 19): Today is a ≠89. Nothing will add up, because you are a sea goat, which doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. What the fuck is a sea goat anyway? A goat who lives by the sea? Goats live in moutains. Aquarius (January 20 February 18): Today is a ∑ so luckily, everything will add up like you want it to… unless you plan on being a complete asshat. Pisces (February 19 March 20): Today is a √572. Just roll with it pal, because its not going to get any better. Just give up today. Thanks.
Boonesdurry
KIATIE ADSIV
Doctors With Personal Lives
EITI DAVKAIT
Ripley’s Believe it or else (FOR KIDS!)
My Fridge
KDSLYC3
SAVID KEATII
DIVERSIONS
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
Garfield isn’t Funny
DAEK SAIVIT
MARCH 3 1 , 2 0 1 1
11
Ducko McGoose’s Search and Find Can you find the popsicle stick? (here’s a hint: it might not actually be there)
Mary Worthless
Crime and Occupational Stress!
Batfuckingman!
Sunoku
ATKA DITIVIS
KADAE TIVIS
ID KAVIDATIS
TORGO VAN PELT
Sara Paul (DC ‘01): Was manager at an Arby’s. But that closed. 7 years ago. She’s sort of chilling out for now.
Max Edwards (RC ‘99): Started watching Dr. Who before you did. Larry Pierson (LC ‘09): Has successfully found multiple avenues since high school through which to contact you and ask you out, despite the fact that you never respond. Jesse Frank (RC ‘00): Has over 400 tapes and DVD’s of BDSM porn... starring himself and nonconsenting adults. Luke Williams (RC ‘06): Has a 120 gallon tropical fish tank in his room. And likes fish. And fish.
Interested in writing for the Targum? Well this isn’t the Targum! Now your day sucks too!
Classifieds T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
P AGE 12
How to Write a Personal
M arch 31, 2011
1. Get mad at everyone. Look up from this paper. See that guy looking at you from across the room? He’s out to get you. 2. That guy also fucked your mom. That’s a pretty douche move of him. Angry? Good. 3. Write out your anger in a few quick lines and e-mail it to: personals@rutgersmedium.com 4. Look for it in the next week’s or following week’s papers, and brag to your friends how much better you are for telling that douche off.
Announcements • Statements of the Obvious • Shit no one wants to know
Real Advertising Rates Real Advertisement: Sick of the Targum and their grayed out space? Advertise with us and shove it in their face!
LOST / FOUND
Park. Contact Antoine Dod- ANYONE STILL TRYING TO son; CATCH THE WEEKEND 2 BUS AT THE SAC. IT DON’T STOP
gun. Last had it at Dunkin Donuts on Livingston.
If
THERE YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER. LOOK THE SHIT UP. PARKTRAN, BITCH.
Davis at RUPD grmdavis@aps.rutgers.edu
Lost: Master Key for Clothier Hall. I looked everywhere. If anyone finds it, please let me know.
PEOPLE
ACCOUNTING Local Pharmaceutical Entrepreneur
Looking for two guys to go searching for talented math student to assist in counting money from transacwith me to the gym. My bros tions. Must be comfortable got real life jobs and decided counting small bills and change. Must serve in rotato go out and do non work tion busting a cap in ones ass when transaction quotes out shit. do not meet the price paid. Handgun, calculator, and notebook provided. Applicants must have well Contact Shady Thomas at 848-555-0132 maintained abs so you don’t embarass me by looking like
I DO TAXES FOR FREE! Just send your name, and social security number to Smitty at skjamesonx@eden.rutgers.edu
ANIMALS I really need a parakeet. If anyone has one, call
RELIGION Need at least 400 followers to create New Religion.
Official
holidays
will exist during final exams enabling students to be excused. Contact the Holy Monkey.
male with flashy wardrobe to assist in managing a staff of sexy females providing assorted services to male customers. Salary: Whatever the hoes present you with minus my 70% cut, Cadillac with cane. Requirements: Must have taken at least 20 credits in Business and 6 in Criminal Justice. Contact: Jimmy at 908-555-0191.
Bitching • Moaning • Whining • Groaning • Reading • Writing • Fighting • Flighting
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“Why is there so much fuckin’ empty space in Targum Classifieds?” - Dr. K, Personals Editor
BANKING & FINANCE
HEALTH CARE
Help Wanted: Looking for business partner for banking job. Applicants should own black jumpsuit and a ski mask, though ski mask can be provided if necessary. ncome will be split 60/40, with my extra 20% going to administrative costs.Health insurance negotiable. Call LeRoy Thomason at 973-555-0102
Local Pharmaceutical Entrepreneur
Ayo, I need someone to answer my fone. Bitchez be on my dick all da time 4 child support n’ shit. I’m lookin’ for a fine woman 2 take my cell phone and tell deez bitchez to hop off my shit so I can live my life. Must know MS Excel and MS Outlook. E-Mail Jermaine at: hegetsitin@eden.rutgers.edu
ENGINEERING
Real Advertisement
searching for recruits to staff locations on Somerset Street and Mine Street for drug distribution. Must take one week paid training course on drugs and basic mathematics. Applicants should have experience in Sales. Contact Shady Thomas at 848-555-0132 R U BROKE? Why not work for Rutgers Health Services. We are currently looking for bright students studying Biology and Nursing to assist in many unpleasant tasks performed at our Hurtado Health center. Duties will include: - Handling urine samples - STI Tests - Athletes Foot Treatment
INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
- Colonoscopies
JUMPSTART YOUR PORN CAREER TOmatter or semen. AMAZING OPPORTUNITY! DAY! Looking for intelligent Are you alive? Are For more information, Conengineer to help me tact Helen T O’Nombro at you able to have sex? and my friend create helltono@ That’s all you need to some type of time mahealth.ruters.edu work for us. Send your chine. We really fucked sexy nude photos to some shit up over Wanted: Nurse to give spring break and need me spongebaths. Must LOVENSEXONLINE@ RUTGERS.EDU to fix it, and this is the be comfortable with male
only option. Contract to be awarded to nerdistraight because I don’t want est looking bidder. Call to engage in any faggy ass ADMINISTRATION/ Kevin or Pat at 609activities in the activities. MANAGEMENT 555-0144 or 609-5550131. HELP WANTED: Young Call Todd @ 732-555-0123 a pussy. Must absolutely be
Items for Sale Items for Give Items for Theft
/4 page
CUSTOMER SER-
found contact Officer Greg
Somewhere to Live • Somewhere to Be • Somewhere to go • To Call Your Home
/8 page
Personals:
Pregnancy Scare: On Tuesday March 29, my daughter Allison Bower of Metzger Hall realized she had missed her period. Any young men that engaged in intercourse with her between March 15 and today please contact her father. I will gladly give you her hand Found: Rapist from Lincoln in marriage.
Lost: Loaded Glock 17 hand-
1
Send them to personals@rutgersmedium.com from your Rutgers E-Mail Account only.
NOTICES
homeboy@lincolnpark.biz
Shit You Need Done • Shit You Want to Do • People You Want to Do • What I Do?
FRANCHISE
Local Pharmaceutical Entrepreneur
searching for recruits to assist in expanding distribution franchise. Potential recruits will assist with transactions occurring on Somerset or Mine Streets for training, and will be given choices of Hamilton, Sicard, or Richardson Streets to begin new franchise. Must have experience with business and accounting. Contact Shady Thomas at 848-555-0132
- ANY tasks involving fecal
nudity. Loufa and soap will be provided 732-555-0176
HOSPITALITY RUTGERS HOUSING WANTS YOU! Rutgers Housing is looking for 90 bright and tidy students to aid in the launch of a revenue generating dorm room cleaning service. This service will be provided to students for an additional $3,000 a year on their term bill. Services to be provided by our staff will be cleaning the room, mopping and sweeping, and placing a complimentary cold bottle of Aquafina on the resident’s desk for when they arrive home. Other services will be provided as feedback is generated. Contact Debbie Jackson at divajackson@rutgers.edu
TRANSPORTATION WANTED: Someone to drive me around all the time. I have places to go and the Rutgers buses aren’t working for me. There are too many weird people on them. I’ll pay the cost of a Parking Pass and gasoline. Contact Jenny prissybitch@ eden.rutgers.edu or 609-555-0159
Looking for someone to do all of my programming assignments for the next 4 years. I need a degree in Computer Science or my parents are going to stop supporting me. They give me like 2000 dollars a month so I feel a 500 FOR RENT dollar cut of that is fair. Contact me at LIFE OF LUXURY! lazyjimmy@remus.rut- Have you ever wanted a home with a large kitchen and state gers.edu. WANTED: Facebook Friends! All you have to do is add me on Facebook. All the people I know in real life refuse to add me. I’ll show them. I’m a real nice guy. My e-mail is yugsepreh@ eden.rutgers.edu
of the art appliances, but just don’t have enough money? Well we have the next best thing. A home built out of a brand new GE refrigerator box featuring a guest room made from a Kenmore Stove! Rent: 200 dollars / month, utilities not included. Security deposit negotiable.
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M Have you ever wanted to live in
C lassifie ds
***NO QUESTIONS ASKED***
a dorm at Rutgers? Here’s your Need human semen. Must big chance! I already stay with be in best condition, posmy girlfriend basically anyway, sibly refrigerated and suband I can’t get my money back mitted within 24 hours of ejaculation. E-Mail Smith at so I’m renting my room out. My l2dasmith@rutgers.edu. roommate is a douche but just
I need a certain herbal he’ll shut the fuck up and leave remedy. If you know where I could get some, call me you alone. Contact Jeremy Smith at at 609-555-0180. jerk off in front of him once and
908-555-0177
ROOMMATES ROOMMATE NEEDED: That stupid bitch that lived with us before decided to move out and we like need someone else to like live with us because our rent is like too high and my dad won’t pay for it. We don’t accept sluts like that other bitch. Contact Rebecca at rurebecca@eden.rutgers. edu
New gay male roommate wanted. Must be shaved and own a skateboard. Rent share is 200 dollars and other means of physical compensation ;). Contact Joe at joeytwink@rutgers.edu. Baseball team really wants a sassy black woman to live with us. All she has to do is sit around casually and give witty input when we’re having conversations. Starting rent 300 dollars for single room, but rent will decrease by 50 cents per witty comeback. Will be invited to away games to accompany us on bus and plane trips. Call Mike at 609-555-0129. **Southern accent is a plus!!!**
F.M.L.
WANTED HELP ME LIVE MY DREAM I have always wanted a tricycle but my mother never bought me one. I am looking for anyone who owns an adult sized tricycle so that I can commute around campus without using the bus system. Call Kayla at 908-555-0103
To my bitch of a suitemate. FUCK YOU. I don’t know how the other suitemates like you. You have to be the biggest fuckin’ airhead known to mankind!!! You really thought that bananas grow out of the ground on stalks like corn? Did you like graduate elementary school? WTF hop off of your cheating boyfriend’s dick and go read a book. AND YES HE IS CHEATING ON YOU.
To anyone? I could def use a hug right now. Parents have been giving me the cold shoulder for 3 straight weeks?. HEY! YOU OUTSIDE OF To the three girls who MY WINDOW. YOU’re tried to beatbox on supposed to smoke the bus the other day? 25 feet away from the If you try that again I doors, you’re standing won’t hesitate to push right next to it. If you off the bus into oncom- choose to die of lung cancer its all good, but ing traffic. I don’t want to.
To the guy that tried to get extra credt for answering a question during calc i recitation. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Maybe if you came to class regularly, your grades would be such that you wouldn’t need extra credit for answering simple common sense questions.
Need hitman to get rid of roommate. The dude is a complete slob who doesn’t cook or buy anything for the house. To the guy that deCall 908-555-0127 cided he wanted to use my room to fuck at the party we had the other night. The least you could have done was take your dirty fuckin boxers with you. I know who you are and if I ever see you in my house again, I will literFOR SALE ally throw you out from Local Pharmaceutical Entrepreneur my second floor winhas that really good shit. Con- dow. venient Locations on HamilWhy does my grandton, Sicard, and Richardson Streets. Payment Plans avail- mother call me everyable upon request, to prevent time I’m at work. I work our staff from busting a cap in the same time everyday, and then she gets your ass. mad and says I never Contact Shady Thomas at 848-555-0132 want to talk to her. Fuck. USED BODY BAG in relatively good condition. Has a small hole in the lower area due to unclipped toenails of the deceased. Contact Eddie at emoney4883@eden.rutgers.edu
To whomever left the kitchen in Hardenbergh a complete wreck. Do you not have home training. Clean shit up. You left fucking raw meat on the counter and shit.
HOME-icide To the guy in Perry who lives next door to me and plays a constant loop of techno from like noon til 11. I’m soooo fuckin’ glad you got written up the other day. Maybe now I can actually sit in my room without feeling as if I will go into an auditory seizure
OMG Who took that shit in Frelinghuysen 1 bathroom. Like seriously you should go see a doctor. That shit was ridic.
RIDE ME To the slightly young bus driver who plays rocks songs on that 90s sony boombox. keep on rockin bro Hey girl on the EE that had to run off the bus at passion puddle to throw up. That shit was funny as hell! I’m just glad you didn’t do it on me. To the black girl on the Fbus that the old lady was talking to. I loved the look on your face as she was talking to you. You had a weird cross between fear, confusion, and excitement.
March 31, 2011
To the douches who interrupted my Witchcraft and Magic class by cackling and jumping around on brooms; Look, that was funny the first time, but after the second time, it was Why did you jump out just really fucking stuin front of my bike? Are pid. You all fail at life you trying to die fucker. completely. To my planet earth pro- To the guy who was fessor, although u?re desperately trying not slightly attractive in a to make scratching his certain light, u seriously balls obvious on the need to fix that heavy REXL on Monday mornRussian accent of urs. ing; That was a nice try. How can u expect I admire your boldness. To my coworker. I’m never riding to work with you again. We got to work on time but I was pretty sure I was going to die on Route 18. May god have mercy on your soul.
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To the guy who is oh so paranoid that I write shit about him; I suggest you realize that the world in fact, does not revolve around you. I know that’s a difficult concept to grasp. You’re really not that interesting. Please get over yourself. To that skinny little bitch in the doorway of the F-Bus. Just because you’re a skinny little bitch does not mean you don’t have to move out of the way of the door when people are trying to get off. I shoved your ass on purpose even though I said, I was sorry. Fuck u.
To the guy who sits in the front of Witchcraft and Magic; Please stop arguing with the professor. Not only is it annoying, but it makes you (Holy shit. The last perWEEBLE!!! look like a complete sonal. Damn I’m happy To the older black dude fucking freak with no that’s over. Now to go who had handed out life whatsoever. to sleep.) sign language cards Real Advertisement to me at the grease trucks stop. I’m pretty sure you’re not deaf; i feel sorry that you’re poor but at least find a better way than tricking people to give you money cuz they think you’re deaf me to pass this class if I can?t understand a goddamn word ur sayin?
To all the guys in the front row of our War, Peace, and The Military? Our jokes are absolutely fuckin hilarious!!!! And that one about Count Dooko and James Bond: fuckin priceless. You’re on your way to suckin the professor’s cock in no time! In fact, why don’t you all just ask him out? Or better yet, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! I’m actually trying to pass to make dean’s list so my parents don’t stop paying for tution, and I can’t fucking do that while y’all are making 5th grade jokes at the start of every class. SHUT IT, OR I FUCKIN WILL!!!!! To Netflix; Thank you for making my life complete. (Okay I wasn’t gonna comment on any but awesome!!!)
Medium Personals personals@ rutgersmedium.com (This is a lot less space than Targum wastes on a daily basis. And even in this space I’m still utilizing it. I guess I’m more committed. Hmmm.)
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MARCH 3 1 , 2 0 1 1
DODD: Schiano is hoping for Dodd to eat it hard
continued from front The mirror breaker Chas Dodd is the most outspoken in opposition to this team building strategy. “It’s disturbing that they are banking on me going down at some point next season,” a nervous Dodd told reporters on the crack filled street. Dodd went on to detail many acts of vandalism committed on his person such as greasing up his cleats and
METS: It’s pointless to even try and hope. Phillies 2011, y’all continued from front
game winning RBI? A lesser fan would have found that embarrassing but I just laughed and shook my head at ol’ Luis. I had already lowered my expectations so far that no fielding error could ever hurt me. Sometimes I watch a game and almost feel something like hope stirring inside me. Then I remember
WINGS: If you believed
the paper this far...shame on you continued from front The NCAA is expected to investigate some of the rulings made by the game’s officials, especially the head on-field referee. In regards to Buffalo Wild Wings, the NCAA said it refuses to involve itself in any matter of personal interest. Certain university officials suspect that Stagnitta is blaming the loss on the rising bar and grill because of the “poor service” he received a month ago at the North Brunswick location. “I want to reassure my team and the university that I’m not targeting (Buffalo Wild Wings) because I was
S P ORT S replacing his deodorant with extra slippery soap. Reports have shown that Recruitment Director Howard Paulson has paid students on Macbeth loving Dodd’s team to sack him randomly when he is most vulnerable. “I’ve been hit a total of 28 times in the shower alone,” said Doomed, I mean Dodd. Bellia has remained silent on the matter of replacing Dodd but has nervously eyed redshirt freshman Jason Friday who has been spending a lot of time with the Knights’ playbook. that my Mets are in the same league as the Cardinals, Dodgers, and Giants, which usually puts my fears of team success to rest. The real fools are the ones who won’t hop off that “hope and change bandwagon” and want to bring our number of Championship rings all the way to three. I just continue to support my team the only way I know how; by lowering my expectations so much that any success is a wonderful surprise. What else would I do? Become a Cubs fan? They’re fucking awful. given wild sauce on my wings instead of mild,” said Stagnitta. Stagnitta said he believes the ungrateful staff is seeking vengeance against him because he tipped his server less than 18 percent of the total bill. Bella Mitchell, server, said that she was left $4.77 by Stagnitta and his friends when they dined at Buffalo Wild Wings a month ago. Their total bill was $95.23. “Like, our bar has a crapload of power over sports, they should like know this,” said Mitchell. “But the Army game, I know nothing about.” The next game for Rutgers Men’s Lacrosse team is a Big East match up against St. John’s. The game will be played in East Rutherford, NJ to ensure BWW will not become involved.
BCS: RUTGERS FOOTBALL BITCHES
continued from front “I think I’ll go for a Masters Degree even though I really don’t need it.” Rutgers alumni and current Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice said New Brunswick is the worst possible location to host any type of major college sporting event. “I just don’t understand why this bid would even make news? I can understand if I was still playing for the Knights why this might be a big deal,” said Rice.
T H E DA I LY M E D I U M
Rutgers isn’t the only New Jerseybased location to invest in hosting a large-scale football game. The New Meadowlands Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ has already been chosen to host the National Football League’s Super Bowl game in 2014. “Just imagine the momentum we would have with the Super Bowl having just been played in New Jersey a year prior!” said McCormick. The NCAA said it will strongly consider New Brunswick as a potential venue but has reassured Rutgers that hosting the championship does not guarantee their football team a bowl game itself.
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Study: Women Fake Interest in Sports BY EEZY A
CONTRIBUTING WRITER
A recent study revealed that women lie 95 percent of the time when talking about sports. The results also proved that men, upon hearing these lies, respond in pitiful and sincere ways. This type of response is most likely in an effort to sleep with these women. Though women seem to take a strong interest in sports through cheerleading, some claim to have little knowledge of what the hell is going on. “I like the cute mini skirt I get to wear everyday…and making people happy, I like that too,” Baltimore Ra-
S PORT S
vens cheerleader Shannon Greg said. However, there are women such as Alyssa Milano that have challenged the validity of this study through her NFL clothing line. This has only prompted researchers to question whether or not Milano actually knows what sports or franchises she endorses. Furthermore, researchers are skeptical as to whether or not she knows what the term “franchise” means. “For now, women will just have to pretend like they know their stuff if they want male attention,” said PhD. Student Tommy Woitowicz. “Perhaps get their man a sandwich or beer too.”
NBPD issues warrant for The Amy Zhang Stalker Captain Kenneth B. Cop of the NBPD stated, “Every effort will be made to ensure that no one hurts Rutgers Police and officers in the such a beautiful and athletic young surrounding area have been called woman. She is a treasure to the Athin to protect tennis star Amy Zhang letic Department and university as a whole.” against an apparent stalker. The Rutgers comThe No. 1 singles player received some Zhang’s delicate fea- munity has come out to express their condisturbing letters in her tures became visibly cern about the apparent gym locker that comupset at describing stalker. mented on her petite the incident and “I just hope Amy physique and tremendous tennis skills. she was unable to stays safe,” said Profes“They were disgustprovide any more sor Arnold Cambria, one of Zhang’s teachers. ing,” said Zhang at an information. “It would be a shame official press conferto miss that wonderence. “The things this guy said about my body were just…I ful smiling face in class. It seems as hope they catch this freak.” Zhang’s though she just has a light around delicate features became visibly up- her. It’s…beautiful.” Police are placing a security detail set at describing the incident and she outside of Zhang’s residence which was unable to provide any more inwill make things much difficult for formation. Representatives of the New any well-intentioned person who Brunswick Police Department were just wants to be closer to such an determined to catch the lovely Miss amazing athlete. God, she’s so fucking hot. Zhang’s stalker.
M ARCH 3 1 , 2 0 1 1
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ΑΣΠ Defeats ΘΔΧ in Beerball Championship Game BY THE IN-SHANE-IAK WHAT’S SHAKIN’ EDITOR
Alpha Sigma Phi upset Theta Delta Chi last Friday in the first weekly Rutgers Beerball Championship game. ΑΣΠ brothers David “Two-Step” Wellington and Randy “Darth Miyagi” Du overwhelmed ΘΔΧ’s Chris “Diesel” Christopher and Vance “Six Feet Six” Simon with a tremendous offensive attack. The championship game was a best-out-of-17 spectacular that featured five different brands of light beer and an unlabeled bottle of liquor. Delta Chi’s defeat came at the hands of Du’s lightning quick pitch to Christopher’s beer, which enabled the ball to bounce over 40 feet
away from the table. By the time Christopher could return the ball to the table, Du had already chugged his beer claiming victory. Sigma Phi’s first title defense will be this Friday against Alpha Epsilon Pi. ΑΕΠ’s star brother, Ted “WMD” DiSilvestro will not play due to a date with his girlfriend.
BY CASTLETON SNOB STAFF WRITER
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P AGE 16
M ARCH 31, 2011
New QB ready to take over for soon to be injured Dodd BY JOHN BENDER MANAGING EDITOR
No one can accuse 10year veteran coach Greg Schiano FOOTBALL of not having a plan for dealing with the almost guaranteed loss of sophomore Quarterback Chas Dodd for the 2011-2012 season. Schiano has tapped brand new addition to the team, Tyler Bellia, to fill the relatively regular sized shoes that will most likely be left on the field after Dodd will in all probability take a hit and be sidelined for the remainder of the season. “Hey, look at the facts. 2008, Teel breaks his
thumb, we get off to a 1-5 record. Next year, Dom Natale played like he was made of injuries, enter Savage, fuckin’ bowl win. Last year, Savage out, in Dodd,” Schiano explained over morning wood chopping. “The pattern is clear, this team’s Quarterback position is cursed so we need a solid plan for the future.” While it is true that the Knights’ Quarterback position is as susceptible to high turnover rates as the Defense Against the Dark Arts class at Hogwarts, some people are upset with this plan to replace the surely doomed QB. SEE DODD ON PAGE 14
University investigates suspicious loss to Army Buffalo Wild Wings Chief Suspect
BY WAYNE SHELAN STAFF WRITER
The Rutgers Men’s Lacrosse team was defeated by the Army MEN’S LACROSSE B l a c k ARMY 12 K n i g h t s RUTGERS 4 in a 12-4 decision over a week ago on Saturday, March 19. The team’s head coach, Jim Stagnitta, suspects foul play was involved in the match and has filed a grievance against the Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant of North Brunswick, NJ. “It is my belief that our opponents were given a distinct advantage in the second quarter,” said Stagnitta. Rutgers student athletes said they witnessed “uncommon occurrences” throughout the second quarter and
part of the final period. These occurrences included sprinkler malfunctions and outrageous penalties against the Scarlet Knights. Junior Nicholas Zerrillo said the head on-field referee was seen texting on his cell phone at various points during the second period. Other players said that the same official has been seen tending bar on the weekends at Buffalo Wild Wings which led to the suspicion of foul play. The official was unable to be reached for a comment but former lacrosse official Red D. Edwards said, “I have never heard of an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty being called for excessive passing.” The NCAA is expected to SEE WINGS ON PAGE 14
Pictured: Suspected location of the SPORTS CRIME
Dodd, getting sacked in a game against USF. According to sources, the Athletic Department has been paying people to sack Dodd randomly to soften him up.
U. Makes BCS Bid BY SHANE WHELAN WHAT’S SHAKIN’ EDITOR
President Richard McCormick has announced that Rutgers has placed a bid to host the ATHLETICS final game in the 2014 Bowl Championship Series (BCS). The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) has responded to the bid by placing Rutgers on a temporary reserve notice. The BCS National Championship Game rotates between Glendale, AZ, New Orleans, LO, Miami, FL, and Pasadena, CA. If New Brunswick/Pis-
cataway is approved it will lead off in the rotation on its third roundabout. The game would be considered as part of the 2014 season but would take place in January 2015. McCormick said, “I believe the university has established itself as a worthy place to feature the premier BCS game.” Students on campus have reacted to the news with mixed feelings of excitement, exuberance, insanity, and rage. Faculty members feel that students will prolong their education just to be around in 2014-15. Senior Ashley Kruk said, SEE
BCS ON
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TIME TO SYNCH UP!
The ladies of the Club Synchronized Swim Team hold practice in Professor Johnson’s History Class. While some are happy that Club Sports can use academic space for practice, others are currently drowning!
A true Mets fan would have given up by now Even the Playing Fealds DAN FEALDS As March comes to a close we find ourselves approaching my favorite time of the year: baseball season. It’ll be another amazing season of pitching battles, record-breaking seasons and the New York Mets never seeing the playoffs. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m one of the world’s biggest Mets fans. I’ve been a season ticket holder since I was five, my room is full of Mets memorabilia, and have experienced some very sexually confusing dreams about David Wright. No other team even comes close to them in my eyes. But it’s because I’m such a huge fan that I have already given up hope on reaching the World Series or even having a winning season. Being a fan of the Mets means understanding the team’s limits and there are a lot of them. Remember when Luis Castillo dropped a routine pop up and gave Jeter the SEE
METS ON
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